FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > When they won't tell their partner/lover
When they won't tell their partner/lover
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Have you ever been in that situation?
You've started seeing them, they then reveal another partner/lover. And you hit that point when they need to be open and honest and tell the other person about you. Or do they? Do they actually need to in a world of ENM, poly, multiple partners, swinging etc.
You don't know the story between the two of them and they could quite possibly be cheating on them with you.
It goes on and they don't seem to find the right moment to tell them, or something happens and it's not the right time blah blah blah. And then it's happened hasn't it? you've ended up being the secret lover and hidden. Or are you? Is it actually wrong? or is it just what you'd prefer that's it's out in the open so you know you're not the one being used to cheat on someone else? And really its none of your business?
Does it make a difference if people are from fab or dating apps? For example if their other lover was from a dating app would you be justified in thinking the other person could think they've entered into relationship territory with the person you've got involved with and they're being misled? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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All I ever ask for is honesty. Honesty gives me choice
If they are married or in a relationship and technically cheating then I won’t get involved.
If they say they have their partners permission then I’d like to hear that.
If they announce it after seeing me for a few times then I assume they thought it would be a one off and maybe feelings are forming and they wanted me to know.
I guess it depends how I felt about them. If people cheat it’s usually because there’s an underlying issue with their relationship. In all honesty I’d end it and say take time and sort your relationship out and see what happens.
I don’t want to be a secret or have small snippets of someone’s life |
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I've never been with anyone that has had someone else in their lives, as far as I know. It's not something I would be comfortable doing, open relationship or not. On here, if I were meeting a couple that would be different, they are both there together and it's all out in the open. Singly, even if I thought they definitely had permission to play alone, I still would feel warey about it and likely wouldn't meet them.
There are enough single folk about to keep me happy. I might have to wait a year or e between meets but so be it  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Nope don’t ever feel the need to I am single they are single who they meet / fuck / date when I am not with them is none off my business
The same as it is none off there business who I meet / fuck / date
If they want to make it they business then we both need to sit and have the relationship talk
As long as they cancelling plans with me to see someone else then I don’t really care
What I mean by that is John isn’t free Monday but natalie is I make plans with them John on Sunday night or Saturday decide he his free Monday and plans with natalie get cancelled if I catch stuff like that going out
I am out and good by was nice knowing the person I am no backplan to be picked up and dropped |
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OP, is your question related to the world of swinging or the vanilla world/dating with the view of long term relationship? As the answer would be different.
Swinging world - it would not matter to me as long as the person I was meeting had good availability. If they could only meet for 15min at lunchtime every other Thursday, then I wouldn't even meet them as their availability would not be suitable. It does not matter to me whether the person is in relationship as it's their business. I do have a partner myself, we have an open relationship, with the same freedoms. He has met most of my FWBs, but he doesn't expect me to tell him all that happened during my meets. I don't expect him to tell me either.
Vanilla/dating world - if I was dating, then I would probably be looking for a relationship with that person. So them telling me they have a partner would not be good, would mean us no longer seeing each other. |
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Honestly I could not be a secret fuck on the side for a regular meet. Apart from the risk of being involved in causing someone elses pain it would make me feel... less worthy? Like I am not good enough to be seen with just good enough to fuck. If that makes sense.
If it was just a casual hookup occasionally I wouldn't care about not being included on their life but I'd not do that if they had a committed relationship too.
MrsAbz |
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Not been in the situation.
If it is wrong will depend on your moral considerations. Some will say you are not cheating, others that you help a cheater cheat.
Doesn't make a difference if here or elsewhere.
Conclusion and action you take is up to you considering the fact that they decided not to tell you the full story.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As a guy, I don’t tell women about each other when I’m seeing multiple women. I hint at it, but never directly mention other woman. They like it
As a woman though I can see why you wouldn’t want a guy to keep you “hidden” as the side chick |
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"I’m quite happy being a secret and keeping them a secret . "
Didn’t read that properly. If they’re married I’m happy being a secret. If they’re not I wouldn’t be meeting them anyway if they were meeting loads of others. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Honestly I could not be a secret fuck on the side for a regular meet. Apart from the risk of being involved in causing someone elses pain it would make me feel... less worthy? Like I am not good enough to be seen with just good enough to fuck. If that makes sense.
If it was just a casual hookup occasionally I wouldn't care about not being included on their life but I'd not do that if they had a committed relationship too.
MrsAbz "
I'm completely with you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not been in the situation.
If it is wrong will depend on your moral considerations. Some will say you are not cheating, others that you help a cheater cheat.
Doesn't make a difference if here or elsewhere.
Conclusion and action you take is up to you considering the fact that they decided not to tell you the full story.
"
It's is definitely a moral compass and self worth thing isn't it. |
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"Not been in the situation.
If it is wrong will depend on your moral considerations. Some will say you are not cheating, others that you help a cheater cheat.
Doesn't make a difference if here or elsewhere.
Conclusion and action you take is up to you considering the fact that they decided not to tell you the full story.
It's is definitely a moral compass and self worth thing isn't it."
Moral compass thing, yeah I can accept that. Self worth thing, no. I have no issues with self worth and I prefer the secret thing. |
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If your open about it being any flavour of non monogamy with them then you assume they expect you have/will have other people in the background. As a default you wouldn't expect to tell them about others unless they ask.
However as you get to know someone or more deeply involved you may feel its a common curiosity. It's about judgment. Obviously if the ask tell them. If they talk about their others that's maybe an indication to reciprocate. Likewise if you just feel it's right to then why not just tell them anyways?
If you're not telling them and its playing on your mind examin why? Is it just that it feels awkward to find the space/opportunity? If so, why? Do you feel that you've gone beyond a point that you should have before and to tell them now would seem dishonest? Do you feel a fear of risk of them not liking it or feeling you're dishonest? Do you feel they may not be as cool with non-monogamy as they state or they only like their non-monogamy one sided?
Either way it seems to me if it's playing on your mind just tell them. Don't need to be in detail, just make them aware there is other people. After all non-monogamy relys on openness and honesty too as well as an acceptance your not someone's only one. Chances are it'll be perfectly fine and weight of your chest.
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