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How many times...
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Do you let someone cancel before you give up hope?
Even when very very valid reasons, how long do you hold out hope you'll meet someone? 3 cancels? No meets in a month?
Its wearing me down being repeat cancelled on by multiple people and I need a rule. |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
Twice.
Once for benefit of the doubt and after the second......give up.
Unless of course you've seen them on the national news being surgically removed from a bear, in which case let them off a second time.
Lightening does strike twice but rarely three times.  |
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My feelings, if my heart's not in it then I back away. I'll usually try and have a conversation about it.
Ooh ooh I can give you a rule a friend gave me.
If you can't say what you feel you need to say it's time to back way.
I think it's more complex and nuanced than a specific number of cancellations. |
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By *aizyWoman
over a year ago
west midlands |
If they've let me know they are cancelling I'll keep trying to re-arrange if they want to, life does have a habit of getting in the way. If they can't even be bothered to let me know they are cancelling, once and I'm done with them. |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
It depends on lots of things. And who it is.
Some reasons are extremely genuine and valid, shit happens and life does get in the way. Would be nice if I'm in that position the other person were understanding about it.
But some people are stupidly flakey and don't have any care for how it impacts the person they are cancelling on. Cancel on a whim or at the slightest hint of another offer etc. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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OP, up until 2 or so years ago I gave 1 chance. Now, it’s 1 strike and they’re out. I’m extremely empathetic, not a pushover and it’s quite obvious when someone’s taking the piss. If they let you down but really want to see you they’d go all out to make it happen. Lots of msgs and rearranging. Otherwise you’re just a fallback  |
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"Do you let someone cancel before you give up hope?
Even when very very valid reasons, how long do you hold out hope you'll meet someone? 3 cancels? No meets in a month?
Its wearing me down being repeat cancelled on by multiple people and I need a rule. "
I'd say same people cancel twice would go on my block list probably.
I've never had a meet from here, but I didn't give up yet.
It's a new account, so I'm here longer than my profile states.
Probably if this profile ends up stale for a long time, than I give up.
No third time charm... |
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2 at most, and that's only if I think they've got a genuine reason.
And what time frame? If they cancel well in advance, not such a big deal, but on the day, when you've planned around it... Nah, you can do one mate!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It depends on lots of things. And who it is.
Some reasons are extremely genuine and valid, shit happens and life does get in the way. Would be nice if I'm in that position the other person were understanding about it.
But some people are stupidly flakey and don't have any care for how it impacts the person they are cancelling on. Cancel on a whim or at the slightest hint of another offer etc. "
This.
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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
"Do you let someone cancel before you give up hope?
Even when very very valid reasons, how long do you hold out hope you'll meet someone? 3 cancels? No meets in a month?
Its wearing me down being repeat cancelled on by multiple people and I need a rule. "
Rule of 3 sounds good to me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No fixed rule.
Ever potential friend will give me a different kind of vibe. That will tell me what to do regarding cancellations. The right person can have as many chances as it takes to get together.
I’ve had to cancel at short notice a few times and have still met the person involved.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not cancelling but I have someone who says they want a repeat meet, but every time I ask if they are free they say no sorry they can't because of XYZ.
I know damn fine they don't want a repeat meet but I keep asking because FFS they should grow a pair and just say no.  |
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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago
Calderdale innit |
Same person, I'd give two chances, that's if I believed the reason for the first cancellation.
If they let me down 2nd time, that'd be it for me & they'd end up blocked.
If its happening with different meets, I'd probably step back for a while. I had one no show years ago, left me waiting in a bar and didn't show & it feel crappy. So I can see why people get disillusioned when it happens a few times & it does seem to be happening a lot looking at threads. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Honestly, depends on the person.
If it's someone I've talked to for a long time and they can turn me on (not easy!) then I would still attempt to meet.
Others though, if they turn me down once, I'm pretty much done. |
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Very much depends on the person and reason, sometimes it’s one and done, usually though I’ll give someone a second chance, but I have given a 3rd chance to 2 people in the past and neither was worth it imho, so for me it’s 2 I’d say. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
Generally I'm pretty easy going. I've not experienced it often and I believe the odd time it's happened. The difference is in how it's handled. If I believe it, if their intent is demonstrably still there, I'm quite a soft touch and will say yes, I believe you and understand.
If I'm uncertain I'm probably a bit cautious. I don't like the idea of my attention, meeting me not really being something would want to do. I'd hate that. So I'll accept it and just step away a little bit. |
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Depends how much we like them…
There’s only ever been one chick we always really liked that cancelled on us.
More than once was the answer.
It went in her favour that when she didn’t cancel she was fucking epic for a night out and a cuddle.
We still like her but we’d never arrange to meet her again. |
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"Honestly, depends on the person.
If it's someone I've talked to for a long time and they can turn me on (not easy!) then I would still attempt to meet.
Others though, if they turn me down once, I'm pretty much done."
Sheesh. Much as I hate to admit it, and agreeing is boooring, this nails it for me as well. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If they've let me know they are cancelling I'll keep trying to re-arrange if they want to, life does have a habit of getting in the way. If they can't even be bothered to let me know they are cancelling, once and I'm done with them."
Agree! If it’s no show that’s it, done. Last minute cancel and messing me around, done. Cancel with a real valid reason sure, of course another chance - but that’s it. I absolutely hate my time being wasted |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not cancelling but I have someone who says they want a repeat meet, but every time I ask if they are free they say no sorry they can't because of XYZ.
I know damn fine they don't want a repeat meet but I keep asking because FFS they should grow a pair and just say no. "
I’d love to hear other’s view on this. I also get annoyed when someone keeps saying they want to meet again but never seem to actually want to agree to a date, just chat endlessly. |
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We've been going with a two strikes rule. Understand that life gets in the way sometimes and can't be avoided but we've also had some very last minute drop outs where its been far too late for us to make other arrangements and when we have limited free dates it gets a bit frustrating. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you let someone cancel before you give up hope?
Even when very very valid reasons, how long do you hold out hope you'll meet someone? 3 cancels? No meets in a month?
Its wearing me down being repeat cancelled on by multiple people and I need a rule. "
I hear you!
Same thing here, repeatedly cancelled by various people. It's unbelievable, but like you say always genuine reasons you couldn't possibly challenge or call BS on but you know they can't all be true.
I'm axing one later, I'm just waiting on what I know is going to happen.
Used to have a three strikes rule but now it's ..fuck me around a second time you're gone.
My child free time is mine to use wisely, not let someone else fuck up. So if they cancel me the day before that goes massively against them. I'll axe them for one strike if I think they knew sooner and could have given more notice.
I had three things go tits up weekend just gone. |
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All very helpful comments thanks all xx
I'm going to keep following my heart and giving chances when it feels legit.
Agree a no show is a straight away gone. For sure.
I'll probably do 3 cancels and no more of its random cancels and stuff bevsuse either you're fucking me about or you don't have time for a new connection. But when there's real life stuff going on and I don't feel useless and worthless I'll keep giving chances.
Thanks again friends xx |
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By *jj2012Man
over a year ago
Barry |
"Do you let someone cancel before you give up hope?
Even when very very valid reasons, how long do you hold out hope you'll meet someone? 3 cancels? No meets in a month?
Its wearing me down being repeat cancelled on by multiple people and I need a rule. "
I wouldn't give someone an opportunity to rearrange but if cancelled twice then I'd be thinking they just want a pen pal or some attention and wouldn't waste anymore of my time  |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Honestly, depends on the person.
If it's someone I've talked to for a long time and they can turn me on (not easy!) then I would still attempt to meet.
Others though, if they turn me down once, I'm pretty much done."
Actually, this for me too.
If I (and he actually) had a rule set in stone I'd have never met one of my absolute favourite people... life kept getting in the way for us both and we each cancelled on the other. |
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Varies.
Depends how invested I am. If I already knew that things would be hectic and prone to disruption. Whether I think they're worth it. Whether I believe and agree with what they prioritised above our plans.
New person without a valid reason? Once and out probably.
When it gets to the point where I realise I'm not getting excited to see them, I'm just spending what should be the happy buildup already moping while I wait for the cancellation notification, it doesn't matter how much I want to see them again. It's not worth it any more  |
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We have never turned anyone down after agreeing a meet. Only 1 that ghosted us after agreeing to meet them and only 1 that pretended not to know us after we said hi in the club.
OP, we can say hand on heart if you wanted to meet up and we said we were going to be there, the only thing to stop us would be war or the zombie apocalypse.
We go to Chams, Xtasia, Libs frequently. |
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If it's someone I have not met before twice, first time let off second time knock it in the head. If it's someone I know and they are reliable just on a bad streak more than that as things can crop up, especially if it's a couple and both have to have time free |
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Only you will know this answer OP. You could have built up a year of conversation and banter etc and feel that the person deserves a few more attempts than someone who you have only just been chatting to. You won't fully know who has the most bona fide excuse to cancel and just have to go with your instinct. |
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We would normally say twice but....having cancelled on an absolute Saint of a lady twice in the last 3 months for different amd unforseen reasons, the fact that she has stuck by us makes us want to give others the benefit of the doubt.
We immediately offered to do a video call so she knew we were genuine...that videocall has led to some text flirting, and we are meeting her and her girlfriend this weekend.
We are highly appreciative of her and won't be cancelling again!
So - maybe 3 times is too much...?!?! |
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By *lan157Man
over a year ago
a village near Haywards Heath in East Sussex |
I have given two chances and I listen to the reasons. They may well be genuine. If it happens a third time or I sense any difficulty arranging it then I will kick myself for being too patient and move on. |
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By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Dorchester |
"Do you let someone cancel before you give up hope?
Even when very very valid reasons, how long do you hold out hope you'll meet someone? 3 cancels? No meets in a month?
Its wearing me down being repeat cancelled on by multiple people and I need a rule. "
I'm not sure why they are cancelling on you but even with a valid excuse its not good enough, value your time and block them its harsh i know but its the only way. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If it ever came down to it: Valid excuses, and you can tell deep down whether they make sense or not - 2 strikes.
If it's someone I'm interested in, then I'll continue to allow them to arrange something but it'll work around plans I've arranged. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Valid excuse that makes sense I'll accept once then if done again I'm out. Sorry but my time is extremely limited and I'm not hanging around for other people ha. For me emergencies seem to happen far too often on here.
Like I said a valid reason sure but if it keeps happening then I'm not convinced anymore. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"For my special friends, as many times as they need, we are together for the long haul
Everyone else....Once."
Special friends are different agree with that one. New friends what I wrote. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you let someone cancel before you give up hope?
Even when very very valid reasons, how long do you hold out hope you'll meet someone? 3 cancels? No meets in a month?
Its wearing me down being repeat cancelled on by multiple people and I need a rule. "
Once and once only. |
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If I know they are real people on here as have had video calls. I’ll probably give 1 cancel away . 2 I’d be throwing on the back burner and Jesse it as a if I happen to cross them somewhere than cool.
Someone I don’t know is valid well I would just move along 99% of time unless happen to be in same area at that time and would do a coffee meet quickly . |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
I don’t have a set rule, for me it’s more about judging each situation on its merits and what their situation is like. It might be once, it might be 5 times if the trust is there or not and the reasons are valid.
I have found myself in situations where I’ve had a run of situations where I’ve had to cancel; family issues, car problems, etc. I would hope that someone would understand that these things happen sometimes and wouldn’t adhere to an arbitrary number of chances just because.
If they’re cancelling because their hairdressers budgie has a cough, I’m done first time though |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Yeah I'm not excited for the meet. Just got that pit of dread waiting for the cancel. If he does cancel tomorrow then I'm done. Its a miserable feeling. "
If it is making you miserable and full of dread, maybe it isn't a meet you really want? |
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"Yeah I'm not excited for the meet. Just got that pit of dread waiting for the cancel. If he does cancel tomorrow then I'm done. Its a miserable feeling. "
I think for me, if I felt that way I'd want to express it. Otherwise it could set a precedent of accepting a dynamic you aren't happy with. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Yeah I'm not excited for the meet. Just got that pit of dread waiting for the cancel. If he does cancel tomorrow then I'm done. Its a miserable feeling. "
I’d say that you should probably cut your loses now. Even if it does go ahead, what faith will you have in subsequent meets?
Are you wanting to meet him because you want to or just for a level of closure on this issue? |
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"Yeah I'm not excited for the meet. Just got that pit of dread waiting for the cancel. If he does cancel tomorrow then I'm done. Its a miserable feeling.
If it is making you miserable and full of dread, maybe it isn't a meet you really want?"
I feel bad cutting it off because it is a very very good reason. But idk. Just feel like a mug either way at this point. |
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"Yeah I'm not excited for the meet. Just got that pit of dread waiting for the cancel. If he does cancel tomorrow then I'm done. Its a miserable feeling.
I think for me, if I felt that way I'd want to express it. Otherwise it could set a precedent of accepting a dynamic you aren't happy with."
I think either way I will tell them. Either as a "I'm done" or "glad you're here but xyz"
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"Yeah I'm not excited for the meet. Just got that pit of dread waiting for the cancel. If he does cancel tomorrow then I'm done. Its a miserable feeling.
I’d say that you should probably cut your loses now. Even if it does go ahead, what faith will you have in subsequent meets?
Are you wanting to meet him because you want to or just for a level of closure on this issue? "
I don't even know. Hope? |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Yeah I'm not excited for the meet. Just got that pit of dread waiting for the cancel. If he does cancel tomorrow then I'm done. Its a miserable feeling.
I’d say that you should probably cut your loses now. Even if it does go ahead, what faith will you have in subsequent meets?
Are you wanting to meet him because you want to or just for a level of closure on this issue?
I don't even know. Hope?"
Hope alongside the pit of dread? |
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"Yeah I'm not excited for the meet. Just got that pit of dread waiting for the cancel. If he does cancel tomorrow then I'm done. Its a miserable feeling.
I think for me, if I felt that way I'd want to express it. Otherwise it could set a precedent of accepting a dynamic you aren't happy with.
I think either way I will tell them. Either as a "I'm done" or "glad you're here but xyz"
"
Absolute respect for that. Knowing a partner will have the difficult conversation and express her feelings is essential for me.
Get your answer and your closure then, nothing lingers.
Well if they are honest and can cope with a little challenge.  |
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"Yeah I'm not excited for the meet. Just got that pit of dread waiting for the cancel. If he does cancel tomorrow then I'm done. Its a miserable feeling.
I’d say that you should probably cut your loses now. Even if it does go ahead, what faith will you have in subsequent meets?
Are you wanting to meet him because you want to or just for a level of closure on this issue?
I don't even know. Hope?"
I’d say communicate what it’s making you feel and see what they say. |
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OP you should get back a modicum of confidence by the outpouring of positive feedback on this thread, I can only imagine the offers hitting your inbox on the back of it.
Suggest going to a club, meeting a few people without arranging it and having some fun.
If you want the reassurance of knowing first, we'll happily meet you at Chams - and I'll wager half the forum would too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yeah I'm not excited for the meet. Just got that pit of dread waiting for the cancel. If he does cancel tomorrow then I'm done. Its a miserable feeling.
I’d say that you should probably cut your loses now. Even if it does go ahead, what faith will you have in subsequent meets?
Are you wanting to meet him because you want to or just for a level of closure on this issue?
I don't even know. Hope?"
Did he turn up? |
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For us all depends on how we feel about the person and how much notice and circumstances etc, so no specific number.
From personal experience we've had to cancel a meet at short notice twice with the same couple in two consecutive attempts to meet, once because the car decided to have a fit on the way and needed recovering and the second because one of our kids ended up in hospital.
Thankfully they were understanding and happy to rearrange both times.
Real life can and does get in the way so we won't use a set X number of strikes rule and are appreciative of others who don't impose one either |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"OP you should get back a modicum of confidence by the outpouring of positive feedback on this thread, I can only imagine the offers hitting your inbox on the back of it.
Suggest going to a club, meeting a few people without arranging it and having some fun.
If you want the reassurance of knowing first, we'll happily meet you at Chams - and I'll wager half the forum would too."
This was very smooth, I applaud your efforts |
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"OP you should get back a modicum of confidence by the outpouring of positive feedback on this thread, I can only imagine the offers hitting your inbox on the back of it.
Suggest going to a club, meeting a few people without arranging it and having some fun.
If you want the reassurance of knowing first, we'll happily meet you at Chams - and I'll wager half the forum would too.
This was very smooth, I applaud your efforts "
To be fair, we would be there anyway, if people reach over and grab us in the couples room we aren't likely to stop them |
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It really does depend, is the honest but annoying answer. Depends on the person; depends on the reasons; depends on the dynamic. I have to work at not getting overinvested sometimes so it can be good for me to draw a line and step back. I hope things went better than you feared.
Mrs TMN x |
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Cancelled again so I've said lets stop attempting to meet up. It's the same thing threading through all the cancellations so I just can't see it happening any time soon. I'm a bit gutted and feel quite stupid but I can't be mad at them. Bit mad at myself. |
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"Cancelled again so I've said lets stop attempting to meet up. It's the same thing threading through all the cancellations so I just can't see it happening any time soon. I'm a bit gutted and feel quite stupid but I can't be mad at them. Bit mad at myself. "
Headphones Prodigy - No good.
Usually does the trick for me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Cancelled again so I've said lets stop attempting to meet up. It's the same thing threading through all the cancellations so I just can't see it happening any time soon. I'm a bit gutted and feel quite stupid but I can't be mad at them. Bit mad at myself. "
Ah, I'm sorry. 
You've done nothing wrong. Don't be mad at yourself. You don't deserve it. |
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"Cancelled again so I've said lets stop attempting to meet up. It's the same thing threading through all the cancellations so I just can't see it happening any time soon. I'm a bit gutted and feel quite stupid but I can't be mad at them. Bit mad at myself.
Ah, I'm sorry.
You've done nothing wrong. Don't be mad at yourself. You don't deserve it. "
Thank you. I've deep cleaned my bathroom and given my kitchen a surface clean. Living room is next then tackling the hell scape that is my bedroom and storage area... I know how to live! |
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"Cancelled again so I've said lets stop attempting to meet up. It's the same thing threading through all the cancellations so I just can't see it happening any time soon. I'm a bit gutted and feel quite stupid but I can't be mad at them. Bit mad at myself.
Headphones Prodigy - No good.
Usually does the trick for me."
Fuck yeah |
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90% of our meets over the years have been working single mums so been cancelled on a few times. People have busy lives , it happens , but did have one lady that we think never had any intention of meeting and after 3 no shows she was blocked
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Cancelled again so I've said lets stop attempting to meet up. It's the same thing threading through all the cancellations so I just can't see it happening any time soon. I'm a bit gutted and feel quite stupid but I can't be mad at them. Bit mad at myself.
Ah, I'm sorry.
You've done nothing wrong. Don't be mad at yourself. You don't deserve it.
Thank you. I've deep cleaned my bathroom and given my kitchen a surface clean. Living room is next then tackling the hell scape that is my bedroom and storage area... I know how to live! "
Sounds like punishment to me! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Cancelled again so I've said lets stop attempting to meet up. It's the same thing threading through all the cancellations so I just can't see it happening any time soon. I'm a bit gutted and feel quite stupid but I can't be mad at them. Bit mad at myself. "
Why can't you be mad at them?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Life gets in the way sometimes so I try not to judge but I've never cancelled on anyone.
At the very least I expect plenty of notice. I don't tend to arrange meets more than a week ahead now, even though I'd prefer to, just to reduce the likelihood of cancellations.
Chin up and on to the next. Maybe do a club meet or a social instead and see if you can't find yourself someone to play with on the day. |
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"Cancelled again so I've said lets stop attempting to meet up. It's the same thing threading through all the cancellations so I just can't see it happening any time soon. I'm a bit gutted and feel quite stupid but I can't be mad at them. Bit mad at myself.
Ah, I'm sorry.
You've done nothing wrong. Don't be mad at yourself. You don't deserve it.
Thank you. I've deep cleaned my bathroom and given my kitchen a surface clean. Living room is next then tackling the hell scape that is my bedroom and storage area... I know how to live!
Sounds like punishment to me! "
I'm going with the whole delayed gratification thing. When everything is clean and warm and lovely it'll be worth it... |
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"Cancelled again so I've said lets stop attempting to meet up. It's the same thing threading through all the cancellations so I just can't see it happening any time soon. I'm a bit gutted and feel quite stupid but I can't be mad at them. Bit mad at myself.
Why can't you be mad at them?
"
Proper serious life shit |
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By *ary69321Man
over a year ago
Newcastle upon tyne |
I wouldn't cancel, I was supposed to meet someone two weeks ago, I drove to their house, they said they would wait outside, they never showed up, I got a message later saying hey daddy, no explanation nothing, I wouldn't meet with them again. |
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"Cancelled again so I've said lets stop attempting to meet up. It's the same thing threading through all the cancellations so I just can't see it happening any time soon. I'm a bit gutted and feel quite stupid but I can't be mad at them. Bit mad at myself. "
Don't be mad at yourself, get over it by going the Chams and getting some man meat |
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