 |
By *apidaryMan
over a year ago
Chipping Norton |
From memory there was another version of "the worst job I ever had", which consisted of Clive being tasked with removing the snot from Hitler's nose.
Clive: Er, I’ll tell you the worst job I ever had.
Derek: What was that?
Clive: The worst job I ever had was with Jayne Mansfield. You know, she was a fantastic bird, you know…
Derek: Yeah, yeah.
Clive: … big tits, huge bum, and everything like that, but I had the terrible job of retrieving lobsters from her bum.
Derek: Really? Bloody hell, that must have been a task.
Clive: Well, it was quite a task ’cause she had a big bum…
Derek: Well, I remember.
Clive: … and they were big lobsters.
Derek: I remember she had a huge bum.
Clive: Well, she had one and, er, you know, presumably in the afterlife…
Derek: (belches) Oh dear.
Clive: Shut up… she still has one. But I had to, used to go round, you know, of an evening…And, er, I had to retrieve these lobsters from her arsehole.
Derek: Yeah, well, I remember she had a lot of trouble with-, with lobsters up her arsehole.
Clive: Well, you see, the lobsters…
Derek: Basically, she suffered from, er, what was known in-, in the medical trade as ‘lobsters-up-the-arsehole’… this was the scientific, er, term for it but, you know, in general terms it was known as ‘Lobsterisimus -um- Bummakisimus‘.
Derek: Yeah, yeah.
Clive: And it was my job every evening to go round to Jayne…
Derek: Mmm.
Clive: … who was a sweet girl.
Derek: Yeah.
Clive: Sweet, charming, shy, mysterious girl…
Derek: Yeah.
Clive: … and get these fucking lobsters out of her arsehole.
Derek: Yeah.
Clive: Which is so tricky because she was a very sensitive woman, you know.
Derek: Yeah, yeah.
Clive: I used to go round there every evening and these lobsters, you know, she used to go out bathing in Malibu…
Derek: Yeah.
Clive: … which is where she used to go out bathing.
Derek: Yeah, oh, Malibu, yeah.
Clive: Malibu, yes. Malibu-de-bum-bum. And, erm, up went the lobsters – boing! – straight up her arsehole.
Derek: Well, I think, you know, I think she brought it on herself, really, didn’t she?
Clive: Not so much brought them on herself as so much encouraged them, you know…
Derek: Yeah, yeah.
Clive: … by the flagrant display which she got up to.
Derek: Well, I think she was a dirty cow.
Clive: Well…
Derek: And being…
Clive: No, n-, no, no, be fair, be fair. You can call her a dirty cow but, let’s face it, a lot of lobsters fancied her bum.
Derek: Yeah, well, I think, I-, let’s face it, I think it was a fifty-fifty arrangement. I think that-, I-, I don’t…
Clive: Yeah. The lob-, the lobsters didn’t say, “we have the upper hand”…
Derek: No.
Clive: … Jayne didn’t say, “we have the upper hand”…
Derek: There was no-, there was no feeling of, er, domination.
Clive: No. It was a…
Derek: A-, fif-
Clive: … fifty-fifty thing.
Derek: I think the lobsters got quite a nip out of it…
Clive: Yeah.
Derek: Uh-huh-huh. And, er, I think Jayne got a lot out of it.
Clive: Yeah, but it was my job, my job to retrieve the lobsters from her bum after the event. |
)
Just as we got the pump to the surface his grip slipped and he let go causing the pump to PLOP down into the shit and piss covering me in a huge splat.
I vommed the fire brigade guy's hosed me down but could hardly stand up for laughing.
I've had an extremely weak gag reflex since,the smell of shit gets me every time.
That was about 1989
) that’s what I called it
Anyway, did it for a summer during school, treated like crap by all , some people I knew 
