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Single parenting
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’m finding parenting hard even though I’m not single. "
I've done it with my ex and now alone (I don't co-parent) and it's 10 times harder. Not that I'm not grateful he's fucked off! |
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"Fuck me, I'm finding it hard. Anyone else? "
Financially yes. Also my girl got both hands in a huge tub of Sudocream this morning. Then started throwing her arms around. Globs of the stuff all over the sofa, rug, cushions, her toys, the TV and her - that stuff is a NIGHTMARE to get out of anything.
5 shampoos (and screams and bloody nose from falling over in the tub) later it's off her at least. The sofa will never be the same again. Suspect white stains everywhere - wonder how many will believe me when I explain what they are?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fuck me, I'm finding it hard. Anyone else?
Financially yes. Also my girl got both hands in a huge tub of Sudocream this morning. Then started throwing her arms around. Globs of the stuff all over the sofa, rug, cushions, her toys, the TV and her - that stuff is a NIGHTMARE to get out of anything.
5 shampoos (and screams and bloody nose from falling over in the tub) later it's off her at least. The sofa will never be the same again. Suspect white stains everywhere - wonder how many will believe me when I explain what they are?
"
Ouch, I’ve felt the sting of that one too. And you never quite get rid of the smell of it either. |
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"Fuck me, I'm finding it hard. Anyone else?
Financially yes. Also my girl got both hands in a huge tub of Sudocream this morning. Then started throwing her arms around. Globs of the stuff all over the sofa, rug, cushions, her toys, the TV and her - that stuff is a NIGHTMARE to get out of anything.
5 shampoos (and screams and bloody nose from falling over in the tub) later it's off her at least. The sofa will never be the same again. Suspect white stains everywhere - wonder how many will believe me when I explain what they are?
Ouch, I’ve felt the sting of that one too. And you never quite get rid of the smell of it either. "
This is where another pair of hands would have been good. One to deal with her another to deal with the living room carnage. Not sure that it's a good enough reason to get into a rship though? 
(Actually I've thought about it for 2 seconds - yes it bloody well is!!)  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fuck me, I'm finding it hard. Anyone else? "
Yes. It’s a wonder I didn’t end up a crying wreck - not solely him but all that seems stacked against single parents - single parented since he was 3. My son just turned 22, it’s still ‘challenging’ but overall not as intensely all-consuming as it were.
Best wishes things ease up for you  |
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Can only speak from the experience of being a child dad trying to raise us in the 80's dealing with all the stress of raising kid's alone,along with dealing with debts left by mum and his alcohol and pill problems on top of going through a nervous breakdown.
Then had deal with my shit he just gave up in the end and let me do whatever I wanted.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be today with the pressure of life the way it is today,the financial implications trying to feed and clothe plus keeping up with the demands of electronic equipment.
The lack of support available for working parents makes working almost impossible.
Holidays must be the hardest?
The emotional stress on single parents must be massive.
Possibly due to our lack of family support from relatives making things even harder.
I admire certain cultures who are very family orientated and support each other. |
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"Can only speak from the experience of being a child dad trying to raise us in the 80's dealing with all the stress of raising kid's alone,along with dealing with debts left by mum and his alcohol and pill problems on top of going through a nervous breakdown.
Then had deal with my shit he just gave up in the end and let me do whatever I wanted.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be today with the pressure of life the way it is today,the financial implications trying to feed and clothe plus keeping up with the demands of electronic equipment.
The lack of support available for working parents makes working almost impossible.
Holidays must be the hardest?
The emotional stress on single parents must be massive.
Possibly due to our lack of family support from relatives making things even harder.
I admire certain cultures who are very family orientated and support each other."
Think the 80s were a nightmare particularly for single dads. Mine was too for my brother and I. There was no support bc it was such a rarity (whether in fact it was or not).
At least now there's children's centres/groups which are inclusive, so much less isolating, in fact there are dad only groups. Today there's lots of support if you know where to find it. I don't want it, I'm a bit insular like that but certainly maintaining a work/ life balance is tough!
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Fuck me, I'm finding it hard. Anyone else?
Financially yes. Also my girl got both hands in a huge tub of Sudocream this morning. Then started throwing her arms around. Globs of the stuff all over the sofa, rug, cushions, her toys, the TV and her - that stuff is a NIGHTMARE to get out of anything.
5 shampoos (and screams and bloody nose from falling over in the tub) later it's off her at least. The sofa will never be the same again. Suspect white stains everywhere - wonder how many will believe me when I explain what they are?
"
Sudocrem is a nightmare! Commiserations...
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"Fuck me, I'm finding it hard. Anyone else?
My wonderful ex thinks parenting is seeing your kids once every 12 months.
(Fyi he isn't wonderful)
"
I hear that, 3 times a year if they're lucky....and I won't go into what he thinks is adequate support for them financially 
Tinder |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
As the son of a single mother and a as good as absent father. Keep going and doing what you are doing. Your kids will appreciate it eventually.
My dad dug his own hole, and my mum showed how amazing and awesome she is. Was tough growing up, at the time me and my brother may have made it much more difficult than it should have been but once out of those teenage years I could truely see and love my mum more than I had in the previous years. |
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At the moment, touch wood. It's not too bad passed the worst of the teen years I hope.
But I am still in recovery from the trauma. Which isn't even really an exaggeration. Not their fault, they were unwell following their mother dying.
But fuck me were they some hard years. Heartbreak and anguish in perpetual cycles.
Now it's smiles and hugs almost everyday but I still get panicked at times, and worry.
Parenting is hard, single parenting can be exhausting not just physically. At first I spent a long time thinking, would my partner agree with this decision. I was so used to working together it was really difficult.
Then the relationships. I understand your kids come first. Bullshit. Minute that no longer suits it's out of the window. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Fuck me, I'm finding it hard. Anyone else? Yes. It’s a wonder I didn’t end up a crying wreck - not solely him but all that seems stacked against single parents - single parented since he was 3. My son just turned 22, it’s still ‘challenging’ but overall not as intensely all-consuming as it were.
Best wishes things ease up for you "
Hurrah you got him to adulthood! My eldest is about to turn 20, and still at home dossing. I don't have the energy to tackle him as other kids need me more. Thank you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Can only speak from the experience of being a child dad trying to raise us in the 80's dealing with all the stress of raising kid's alone,along with dealing with debts left by mum and his alcohol and pill problems on top of going through a nervous breakdown.
Then had deal with my shit he just gave up in the end and let me do whatever I wanted.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be today with the pressure of life the way it is today,the financial implications trying to feed and clothe plus keeping up with the demands of electronic equipment.
The lack of support available for working parents makes working almost impossible.
Holidays must be the hardest?
The emotional stress on single parents must be massive.
Possibly due to our lack of family support from relatives making things even harder.
I admire certain cultures who are very family orientated and support each other."
That sounds a tough childhood for you. Very tough. I'm very grateful that my ex pays maintenance and that my family support me. Because otherwise I would go under and I worry about the impact on my kids (4 of them, 3 with ASD) because I don't cope well sometimes. They're amazing and I want the best for them. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
Patenting is hard full stop. You gotta ignore what you think everyone expects and do it all you your own way.
The way I used to test how well I was doing was do I know their favourite and least favourite subjects at school, teachers names , friends names, who’s fell out with who this week, what they are currently learning about etc. not the most vital stuff but a test of the openness of relationship |
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I take my hat off to anyone who does it with more than one child. One was hard enough, but we had it reasonably good, no major issues. I often found it easier as I didn't have to do the shared care, one rule at their house, a different at mine. Basically I made all the decisions with no arguments, unlike some if my friends who just had constant battles and the ex always wanting to know their business.
I'm pretty pleased with how they turned out, first in our family to go to uni! Still have the odd wobble every now and again, but I'd say quite well adjusted! I always get compliments! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Can only speak from the experience of being a child dad trying to raise us in the 80's dealing with all the stress of raising kid's alone,along with dealing with debts left by mum and his alcohol and pill problems on top of going through a nervous breakdown.
Then had deal with my shit he just gave up in the end and let me do whatever I wanted.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be today with the pressure of life the way it is today,the financial implications trying to feed and clothe plus keeping up with the demands of electronic equipment.
The lack of support available for working parents makes working almost impossible.
Holidays must be the hardest?
The emotional stress on single parents must be massive.
Possibly due to our lack of family support from relatives making things even harder.
I admire certain cultures who are very family orientated and support each other."
Yes the emotional stress is what I find hardest and never having a day off. Especially when one of my kids is having a hard time (right now one of them is struggling big time) and the responsibility to help is all mine. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Fuck me, I'm finding it hard. Anyone else?
My wonderful ex thinks parenting is seeing your kids once every 12 months.
(Fyi he isn't wonderful)
"
I guessed he wasn't! My ex has one of them EOW and sees the rest a few times a year. They find this upsetting. Never misses Father's Day lol. When I'm feeling ok I tell myself he is missing out big time because they're great kids! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I raised 4 on my own. Difficult, yes but not impossible. I'd say loneliness was the hardest part.
I wasnt the perfect mum but one is a senior nurse, one is in childcare and other runs their own business so they turned out okay. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As the son of a single mother and a as good as absent father. Keep going and doing what you are doing. Your kids will appreciate it eventually.
My dad dug his own hole, and my mum showed how amazing and awesome she is. Was tough growing up, at the time me and my brother may have made it much more difficult than it should have been but once out of those teenage years I could truely see and love my mum more than I had in the previous years."
Thank you. I just hope I'm doing enough. It doesn't feel like it. But I'm there.
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I think more than the every day stress and whatnot I think having the other parent as a completely disinterested party with no contract whatsoever is a tough pill to swallow, like in my case when a baby was his idea (up until 20 wks then demanded an abortion). I worry about difficult conversations ahead with my girl. She's such a happy little thing now. This is a constant worry. Esp as she has zero family on my side, it's just me which also will be difficult for her in the future which will definitely single her out. |
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"Every single day
Tinder
I'm sorry, Tinder. I know you have neurodivergent kids too, I think? "
My youngest yeah, tourettes/tic disorder and awaiting further assessment for adhd/asd
The worst is my now teen feels she has to step up and back me up rather than just enjoy her childhood herself
Tinder x |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
"As the son of a single mother and a as good as absent father. Keep going and doing what you are doing. Your kids will appreciate it eventually.
My dad dug his own hole, and my mum showed how amazing and awesome she is. Was tough growing up, at the time me and my brother may have made it much more difficult than it should have been but once out of those teenage years I could truely see and love my mum more than I had in the previous years.
Thank you. I just hope I'm doing enough. It doesn't feel like it. But I'm there.
"
Doesn't matter!
Do you treat them as you would like to be treated if you were a child, given the circumstances?
You know you are doing what you can within your ability, regardless of it feeling enough or not. Given time they will see that, if they don't already. |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
"Every single day
Tinder
I'm sorry, Tinder. I know you have neurodivergent kids too, I think?
My youngest yeah, tourettes/tic disorder and awaiting further assessment for adhd/asd
The worst is my now teen feels she has to step up and back me up rather than just enjoy her childhood herself
Tinder x"
Does she feel she needs to, or does she want to?
If it's the later that's not a bad thing and something you certainly should be proud of, which I know you are. Should be proud either way of course, but if it is a want then she can enjoy childhood as well as being a supporting part of the family.
I think it's different from the adult dumping in on the kid, instead of allowing them to help. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"At the moment, touch wood. It's not too bad passed the worst of the teen years I hope.
But I am still in recovery from the trauma. Which isn't even really an exaggeration. Not their fault, they were unwell following their mother dying.
But fuck me were they some hard years. Heartbreak and anguish in perpetual cycles.
Now it's smiles and hugs almost everyday but I still get panicked at times, and worry.
Parenting is hard, single parenting can be exhausting not just physically. At first I spent a long time thinking, would my partner agree with this decision. I was so used to working together it was really difficult.
Then the relationships. I understand your kids come first. Bullshit. Minute that no longer suits it's out of the window."
I think if you'd parented together with your wife, it would be so difficult to do it on your own. And navigate their grief as well as your own. Impossible really. But you have - and got them through. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Patenting is hard full stop. You gotta ignore what you think everyone expects and do it all you your own way.
The way I used to test how well I was doing was do I know their favourite and least favourite subjects at school, teachers names , friends names, who’s fell out with who this week, what they are currently learning about etc. not the most vital stuff but a test of the openness of relationship "
I'm just not convinced my way is any good. But it's all I have. Just stumbling through and hope my love for them is apparent. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Every single day
Tinder
I'm sorry, Tinder. I know you have neurodivergent kids too, I think?
My youngest yeah, tourettes/tic disorder and awaiting further assessment for adhd/asd
The worst is my now teen feels she has to step up and back me up rather than just enjoy her childhood herself
Tinder x"
Ah jeez, so much going on! I think certain kids are very prone to thinking they need to step up - my youngest did the same. It's a difficult mindset to challenge because their generosity comes from a great place but it's harmful to them long-term. Is there a young carers group nearby? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I take my hat off to anyone who does it with more than one child. One was hard enough, but we had it reasonably good, no major issues. I often found it easier as I didn't have to do the shared care, one rule at their house, a different at mine. Basically I made all the decisions with no arguments, unlike some if my friends who just had constant battles and the ex always wanting to know their business.
I'm pretty pleased with how they turned out, first in our family to go to uni! Still have the odd wobble every now and again, but I'd say quite well adjusted! I always get compliments!"
Yay on getting them to adulthood! It's something to be proud of. I've managed it with one but his autism seems to be more entrenched the older he gets. Maturity of a 15yo. |
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"As the son of a single mother and a as good as absent father. Keep going and doing what you are doing. Your kids will appreciate it eventually.
My dad dug his own hole, and my mum showed how amazing and awesome she is. Was tough growing up, at the time me and my brother may have made it much more difficult than it should have been but once out of those teenage years I could truely see and love my mum more than I had in the previous years.
Thank you. I just hope I'm doing enough. It doesn't feel like it. But I'm there.
"
If they know they are loved it IS enough. The rest is all gravy. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It is certainly challenging but it passes so fast. Then you get lovely adult children who can cook and stuff."
It's not passing fast when you cry every day |
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I genuinely love it. They are my three best friends and the dynamic is wonderful. Don't get me wrong there are challenges due to two of them being under 10, but on the whole it couldn't be better. |
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"Every single day
Tinder
I'm sorry, Tinder. I know you have neurodivergent kids too, I think?
My youngest yeah, tourettes/tic disorder and awaiting further assessment for adhd/asd
The worst is my now teen feels she has to step up and back me up rather than just enjoy her childhood herself
Tinder x
Does she feel she needs to, or does she want to?
If it's the later that's not a bad thing and something you certainly should be proud of, which I know you are. Should be proud either way of course, but if it is a want then she can enjoy childhood as well as being a supporting part of the family.
I think it's different from the adult dumping in on the kid, instead of allowing them to help. "
It's a bit of both, she saw a lot more than she should have with me and my ex, she feels she has to protect me, but she also wants to help, wants the responsibility, wants to do her bit because we're a team the three of us x
Tinder x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Every single day
Tinder
I'm sorry, Tinder. I know you have neurodivergent kids too, I think?
My youngest yeah, tourettes/tic disorder and awaiting further assessment for adhd/asd
The worst is my now teen feels she has to step up and back me up rather than just enjoy her childhood herself
Tinder x
Does she feel she needs to, or does she want to?
If it's the later that's not a bad thing and something you certainly should be proud of, which I know you are. Should be proud either way of course, but if it is a want then she can enjoy childhood as well as being a supporting part of the family.
I think it's different from the adult dumping in on the kid, instead of allowing them to help.
It's a bit of both, she saw a lot more than she should have with me and my ex, she feels she has to protect me, but she also wants to help, wants the responsibility, wants to do her bit because we're a team the three of us x
Tinder x"
That is really sweet to read. My youngest has been a rock to her sister, more so than sisterly love demands, it is lovely to see their relationship in action. X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As the son of a single mother and a as good as absent father. Keep going and doing what you are doing. Your kids will appreciate it eventually.
My dad dug his own hole, and my mum showed how amazing and awesome she is. Was tough growing up, at the time me and my brother may have made it much more difficult than it should have been but once out of those teenage years I could truely see and love my mum more than I had in the previous years.
Thank you. I just hope I'm doing enough. It doesn't feel like it. But I'm there.
Doesn't matter!
Do you treat them as you would like to be treated if you were a child, given the circumstances?
You know you are doing what you can within your ability, regardless of it feeling enough or not. Given time they will see that, if they don't already."
No, I always think I can do more. They can be very critical, but I think they also see that I love them. |
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"It is certainly challenging but it passes so fast. Then you get lovely adult children who can cook and stuff.
It's not passing fast when you cry every day "
Oh darlin, look being a parent is really bloody hard and believe me when I say that those who've been there and done that know that doing it on your own is truly challenging.
Please give yourself a break, if your children are fed and clothed and have a bed to sleep in each night then you've got this. Reach out to friends when you need a cry, it's cathartic. Never apologise for feeling down occasionally, you're doing a bloody hard job 
And like the above poster said, they can become lovely adult children who will make you proud - and maybe cook lol!  |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
My son's an adult now and I was always a single parent. Think I found it easier that having complications with visitation or disagreements with other parent etc. Although it was by no means a walk in the park, I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't say I was a good parent but I got them to adulthood alive and well |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sorry to everyone who is having a rough time. I’ve been doing it for 5 years - luckily at the moment having a spell where I feel I’m coping well and it’s working.
Best advice I can give is lower your standards - the house doesn’t need to be spotless 100% of the time, some weeks it’s ok to live out of the washing basket, and now and then toast for dinner is not the end of the world. Try and be kind to yourself on the tough day - as long as they get lots of love and cuddles, are clean and eat something they will be fine xx |
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"Fuck me, I'm finding it hard. Anyone else?
Financially yes. Also my girl got both hands in a huge tub of Sudocream this morning. Then started throwing her arms around. Globs of the stuff all over the sofa, rug, cushions, her toys, the TV and her - that stuff is a NIGHTMARE to get out of anything.
5 shampoos (and screams and bloody nose from falling over in the tub) later it's off her at least. The sofa will never be the same again. Suspect white stains everywhere - wonder how many will believe me when I explain what they are?
Ouch, I’ve felt the sting of that one too. And you never quite get rid of the smell of it either. "
Vinegar and baking soda.
Grab your upholstery brush and work the vinegar into the stain but only gently. Apply the baking soda and rub it into the stain. Leave for 10 minutes until all of the vinegar and sudocrem has had chance to be absorbed into the baking soda. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fuck me, I'm finding it hard. Anyone else?
Financially yes. Also my girl got both hands in a huge tub of Sudocream this morning. Then started throwing her arms around. Globs of the stuff all over the sofa, rug, cushions, her toys, the TV and her - that stuff is a NIGHTMARE to get out of anything.
5 shampoos (and screams and bloody nose from falling over in the tub) later it's off her at least. The sofa will never be the same again. Suspect white stains everywhere - wonder how many will believe me when I explain what they are?
"
Oooh maybe new sofa for christmas. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I think more than the every day stress and whatnot I think having the other parent as a completely disinterested party with no contract whatsoever is a tough pill to swallow, like in my case when a baby was his idea (up until 20 wks then demanded an abortion). I worry about difficult conversations ahead with my girl. She's such a happy little thing now. This is a constant worry. Esp as she has zero family on my side, it's just me which also will be difficult for her in the future which will definitely single her out. "
Ah, I'm sorry to hear that. It is the hardest thing to talk to them about the other parent if there's little interest. My ex has made it so obvious he values his step-kids far more and I hurt for my kids. Your girl has you and that's all that matters to her. |
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"Fuck me, I'm finding it hard. Anyone else?
Financially yes. Also my girl got both hands in a huge tub of Sudocream this morning. Then started throwing her arms around. Globs of the stuff all over the sofa, rug, cushions, her toys, the TV and her - that stuff is a NIGHTMARE to get out of anything.
5 shampoos (and screams and bloody nose from falling over in the tub) later it's off her at least. The sofa will never be the same again. Suspect white stains everywhere - wonder how many will believe me when I explain what they are?
Oooh maybe new sofa for christmas. "
I work with teenagers and see the mess that follows them. A new sofa when she's left home. So a pretty long wait from toddler till then!! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"At first…yes it’s damn hard. Financially, physically and mentally it’s fucking tough.
But I’m 5 years into solo parenting, it’s just me and always me. And I wouldn’t change it  x"
I'm 5 years in too. It's just got harder every year for various reasons. I'd still never go back to being with my ex though! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The last 4 ish years have been a rollercoaster. And this is why I am walking around as a dazed and burnt out husk of a woman. X"
I'm sorry to read that. What's the biggest challenge for you? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My son's an adult now and I was always a single parent. Think I found it easier that having complications with visitation or disagreements with other parent etc. Although it was by no means a walk in the park, I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't say I was a good parent but I got them to adulthood alive and well "
I like the phrase "good enough parent" - I will do!
Hurrah for getting him to adulthood!  |
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"At first…yes it’s damn hard. Financially, physically and mentally it’s fucking tough.
But I’m 5 years into solo parenting, it’s just me and always me. And I wouldn’t change it x
I'm 5 years in too. It's just got harder every year for various reasons. I'd still never go back to being with my ex though! "
I hope things get better for you. Parenting is tough for a variety of reasons from been babies to teens. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Financially, emotionally and logistically but I wouldnt change a thing. Ive my boy 80% of time and daughter half; I dont have much of a support network but I hope when theyre older theyll realise how despite all the struggles I made it fun for them.
Keep your head up single parents. Im sure youre all doing the best you can x |
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