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Topped from the bottom
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I don't even know if I've asked the question correctly 
I only heard about it within the last few weeks and it peaked my interest as to if you could train someone to dom you |
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"I don't even know if I've asked the question correctly
I only heard about it within the last few weeks and it peaked my interest as to if you could train someone to dom you "
What do you mean by train them? Is the person Dominant and you want to train them to be your Dominant or are they not Dominant at all and you want to make them so? |
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"Topping from the bottom is where a submissive gets the Dom to do what they want.
The sub wants to get a spanking so they misbehave until they get the punishment they want for example "
There's no fun in that for me. Which is why I think BDSM can be like a game of chess |
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"Topping from the bottom is where a submissive gets the Dom to do what they want.
The sub wants to get a spanking so they misbehave until they get the punishment they want for example "
Or the submissive manipulates the dominant into some form of play that they want to do, rather than the activity the dominant wants.
It's a big no no.
However most long term D/s relationships develop a form of this by repetition. The dom likes doing a. The sub eventually associates activity a with pleasure, so sometimes the sub might suggest activity a because they know the dominant likes it and they like it too.
Is this topping from the bottom? Or good anticipation?
As a dominant are you doing something you don't want to do?
If so you are being topped from the bottom
Or you are married. |
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"Topping from the bottom is where a submissive gets the Dom to do what they want.
The sub wants to get a spanking so they misbehave until they get the punishment they want for example
Or the submissive manipulates the dominant into some form of play that they want to do, rather than the activity the dominant wants.
It's a big no no.
However most long term D/s relationships develop a form of this by repetition. The dom likes doing a. The sub eventually associates activity a with pleasure, so sometimes the sub might suggest activity a because they know the dominant likes it and they like it too.
Is this topping from the bottom? Or good anticipation?
As a dominant are you doing something you don't want to do?
If so you are being topped from the bottom
Or you are married. "
This has just made me laugh. But to answer that, in general that may happen after being with each other for years. But his lordship is aware of this and will throw a spanner in the works every now and again. |
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Great scenes should be negotiated and discussed beforehand, the parties involved. Many conflate topping from the bottom with discussing needs/desires/negotiations. Good D/s relationships are built on communication and trust. If the bottom feels that they are unable to communicate their needs directly, and manipulate the Top into activity (topping from the bottom), it is worth revisiting the communication and negotiation styles. Xx ms |
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"Topping from the bottom is where a submissive gets the Dom to do what they want.
The sub wants to get a spanking so they misbehave until they get the punishment they want for example
There's no fun in that for me. Which is why I think BDSM can be like a game of chess "
It is.
The dominant has control.
But because the dominant only has control as long as the submissive gives it freely, then who actually has the ultimate control?
It's chess and it's fluid. There can be ebbs and flows as power passes back and forth in a relationship over time.
My personal preference is for it to be a struggle. A fight. Topping someone with no struggle is boring. I like to take what I want but to do it consentually. Chess. |
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"Great scenes should be negotiated and discussed beforehand, the parties involved. Many conflate topping from the bottom with discussing needs/desires/negotiations. Good D/s relationships are built on communication and trust. If the bottom feels that they are unable to communicate their needs directly, and manipulate the Top into activity (topping from the bottom), it is worth revisiting the communication and negotiation styles. Xx ms"
This  |
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"Topping from the bottom is where a submissive gets the Dom to do what they want.
The sub wants to get a spanking so they misbehave until they get the punishment they want for example
There's no fun in that for me. Which is why I think BDSM can be like a game of chess
It is.
The dominant has control.
But because the dominant only has control as long as the submissive gives it freely, then who actually has the ultimate control?
It's chess and it's fluid. There can be ebbs and flows as power passes back and forth in a relationship over time.
My personal preference is for it to be a struggle. A fight. Topping someone with no struggle is boring. I like to take what I want but to do it consentually. Chess. "
Similar I like the struggle, some would say that was me being a brat. I like the game of chess that mentally exhausts you before you are then physically exhausted. |
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"Topping from the bottom is where a submissive gets the Dom to do what they want.
The sub wants to get a spanking so they misbehave until they get the punishment they want for example
There's no fun in that for me. Which is why I think BDSM can be like a game of chess
It is.
The dominant has control.
But because the dominant only has control as long as the submissive gives it freely, then who actually has the ultimate control?
It's chess and it's fluid. There can be ebbs and flows as power passes back and forth in a relationship over time.
My personal preference is for it to be a struggle. A fight. Topping someone with no struggle is boring. I like to take what I want but to do it consentually. Chess.
Similar I like the struggle, some would say that was me being a brat. I like the game of chess that mentally exhausts you before you are then physically exhausted. "
That part is complicated. You are fulfilling needs in yourself I think. My wife needs me to be stronger than her. She's a strong woman but feels protected because I am stronger.
I am stronger because I have her. So its a chicken and egg thing at this point |
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"Topping from the bottom is where a submissive gets the Dom to do what they want.
The sub wants to get a spanking so they misbehave until they get the punishment they want for example
There's no fun in that for me. Which is why I think BDSM can be like a game of chess
It is.
The dominant has control.
But because the dominant only has control as long as the submissive gives it freely, then who actually has the ultimate control?
It's chess and it's fluid. There can be ebbs and flows as power passes back and forth in a relationship over time.
My personal preference is for it to be a struggle. A fight. Topping someone with no struggle is boring. I like to take what I want but to do it consentually. Chess.
Similar I like the struggle, some would say that was me being a brat. I like the game of chess that mentally exhausts you before you are then physically exhausted.
That part is complicated. You are fulfilling needs in yourself I think. My wife needs me to be stronger than her. She's a strong woman but feels protected because I am stronger.
I am stronger because I have her. So its a chicken and egg thing at this point"
Hmm that's interesting Mr Arrows. And is something I'm going to ponder about. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"Great scenes should be negotiated and discussed beforehand, the parties involved. Many conflate topping from the bottom with discussing needs/desires/negotiations. Good D/s relationships are built on communication and trust. If the bottom feels that they are unable to communicate their needs directly, and manipulate the Top into activity (topping from the bottom), it is worth revisiting the communication and negotiation styles. Xx ms"
Mainly this, although I would preface by saying that in BDSM everyone does their own thing and applies terms in their own understanding. Therefore it is critical before starting a relationship being very clear on how the dynamic will work, whether the dynamic is solo scene or a full blown relationship.
As part of the discussion is the issue of behaviours between the participants.
Topping from the bottom is generally seen as a negative behaviour. I have mostly seen it described as taking control from the dominant in a manner which has not been negotiated or agreed. However, it will be seen differently by different people so each relationship needs to negotiate what is acceptable.
I would suggest that if properly discussed there is a huge difference between giving polite feedback by the submissive of their wants and needs and the submissive taking control. Even in scene if the submissive/bottom makes unagreed demands or makes them in a way that has not been agreed the Top/Dominant can ignore them or the Dominant can stop the scene and obtain clarity about the subs/bottoms thinking.
Of course there is the issue of brats, and I don't do brats.  |
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"Topping from the bottom is where a submissive gets the Dom to do what they want.
The sub wants to get a spanking so they misbehave until they get the punishment they want for example
There's no fun in that for me. Which is why I think BDSM can be like a game of chess
It is.
The dominant has control.
But because the dominant only has control as long as the submissive gives it freely, then who actually has the ultimate control?
It's chess and it's fluid. There can be ebbs and flows as power passes back and forth in a relationship over time.
My personal preference is for it to be a struggle. A fight. Topping someone with no struggle is boring. I like to take what I want but to do it consentually. Chess.
Similar I like the struggle, some would say that was me being a brat. I like the game of chess that mentally exhausts you before you are then physically exhausted.
That part is complicated. You are fulfilling needs in yourself I think. My wife needs me to be stronger than her. She's a strong woman but feels protected because I am stronger.
I am stronger because I have her. So its a chicken and egg thing at this point
Hmm that's interesting Mr Arrows. And is something I'm going to ponder about. "
If she just did everything I said as i said it, I would get bored and she would be a lesser version than herself. So she fights. She shows me she's not weak. And I show her I'm stronger in this battle of the wills. And then we do what I want. But it has changed slightly from what I had envisioned originally. It's synthesis. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Topping from the bottom is where a submissive gets the Dom to do what they want.
The sub wants to get a spanking so they misbehave until they get the punishment they want for example
There's no fun in that for me. Which is why I think BDSM can be like a game of chess
It is.
The dominant has control.
But because the dominant only has control as long as the submissive gives it freely, then who actually has the ultimate control?
It's chess and it's fluid. There can be ebbs and flows as power passes back and forth in a relationship over time.
My personal preference is for it to be a struggle. A fight. Topping someone with no struggle is boring. I like to take what I want but to do it consentually. Chess.
Similar I like the struggle, some would say that was me being a brat. I like the game of chess that mentally exhausts you before you are then physically exhausted.
That part is complicated. You are fulfilling needs in yourself I think. My wife needs me to be stronger than her. She's a strong woman but feels protected because I am stronger.
I am stronger because I have her. So its a chicken and egg thing at this point
Hmm that's interesting Mr Arrows. And is something I'm going to ponder about.
If she just did everything I said as i said it, I would get bored and she would be a lesser version than herself. So she fights. She shows me she's not weak. And I show her I'm stronger in this battle of the wills. And then we do what I want. But it has changed slightly from what I had envisioned originally. It's synthesis. "
The first word that came to mind when I read your post was symbiosis. Gosh I know our relationship as we set it out is different to the actual reality of being in a long term D/s relationship. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Great scenes should be negotiated and discussed beforehand, the parties involved. Many conflate topping from the bottom with discussing needs/desires/negotiations. Good D/s relationships are built on communication and trust. If the bottom feels that they are unable to communicate their needs directly, and manipulate the Top into activity (topping from the bottom), it is worth revisiting the communication and negotiation styles. Xx ms
Mainly this, although I would preface by saying that in BDSM everyone does their own thing and applies terms in their own understanding. Therefore it is critical before starting a relationship being very clear on how the dynamic will work, whether the dynamic is solo scene or a full blown relationship.
As part of the discussion is the issue of behaviours between the participants.
Topping from the bottom is generally seen as a negative behaviour. I have mostly seen it described as taking control from the dominant in a manner which has not been negotiated or agreed. However, it will be seen differently by different people so each relationship needs to negotiate what is acceptable.
I would suggest that if properly discussed there is a huge difference between giving polite feedback by the submissive of their wants and needs and the submissive taking control. Even in scene if the submissive/bottom makes unagreed demands or makes them in a way that has not been agreed the Top/Dominant can ignore them or the Dominant can stop the scene and obtain clarity about the subs/bottoms thinking.
Of course there is the issue of brats, and I don't do brats. "
Oh Zensual this brat is heartbroken  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
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"Topping from the bottom is where a submissive gets the Dom to do what they want.
The sub wants to get a spanking so they misbehave until they get the punishment they want for example
There's no fun in that for me. Which is why I think BDSM can be like a game of chess
It is.
The dominant has control.
But because the dominant only has control as long as the submissive gives it freely, then who actually has the ultimate control?
It's chess and it's fluid. There can be ebbs and flows as power passes back and forth in a relationship over time.
My personal preference is for it to be a struggle. A fight. Topping someone with no struggle is boring. I like to take what I want but to do it consentually. Chess.
Similar I like the struggle, some would say that was me being a brat. I like the game of chess that mentally exhausts you before you are then physically exhausted.
That part is complicated. You are fulfilling needs in yourself I think. My wife needs me to be stronger than her. She's a strong woman but feels protected because I am stronger.
I am stronger because I have her. So its a chicken and egg thing at this point
Hmm that's interesting Mr Arrows. And is something I'm going to ponder about.
If she just did everything I said as i said it, I would get bored and she would be a lesser version than herself. So she fights. She shows me she's not weak. And I show her I'm stronger in this battle of the wills. And then we do what I want. But it has changed slightly from what I had envisioned originally. It's synthesis.
The first word that came to mind when I read your post was symbiosis. Gosh I know our relationship as we set it out is different to the actual reality of being in a long term D/s relationship."
Lol. I deleted the word symbiosis and put in synthesis.
The beauty of D/s is that your relationship is YOURS. As long as you are both happy, everyone else can fuck right off.
We have been chatting for about 5 years now I think. I remember how you felt at the time and I know how you say you feel now. You seem genuinely happy. So don't stress it. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
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"Great scenes should be negotiated and discussed beforehand, the parties involved. Many conflate topping from the bottom with discussing needs/desires/negotiations. Good D/s relationships are built on communication and trust. If the bottom feels that they are unable to communicate their needs directly, and manipulate the Top into activity (topping from the bottom), it is worth revisiting the communication and negotiation styles. Xx ms
Mainly this, although I would preface by saying that in BDSM everyone does their own thing and applies terms in their own understanding. Therefore it is critical before starting a relationship being very clear on how the dynamic will work, whether the dynamic is solo scene or a full blown relationship.
As part of the discussion is the issue of behaviours between the participants.
Topping from the bottom is generally seen as a negative behaviour. I have mostly seen it described as taking control from the dominant in a manner which has not been negotiated or agreed. However, it will be seen differently by different people so each relationship needs to negotiate what is acceptable.
I would suggest that if properly discussed there is a huge difference between giving polite feedback by the submissive of their wants and needs and the submissive taking control. Even in scene if the submissive/bottom makes unagreed demands or makes them in a way that has not been agreed the Top/Dominant can ignore them or the Dominant can stop the scene and obtain clarity about the subs/bottoms thinking.
Of course there is the issue of brats, and I don't do brats. "
Well put. |
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"Topping from the bottom is where a submissive gets the Dom to do what they want.
The sub wants to get a spanking so they misbehave until they get the punishment they want for example
There's no fun in that for me. Which is why I think BDSM can be like a game of chess
It is.
The dominant has control.
But because the dominant only has control as long as the submissive gives it freely, then who actually has the ultimate control?
It's chess and it's fluid. There can be ebbs and flows as power passes back and forth in a relationship over time.
My personal preference is for it to be a struggle. A fight. Topping someone with no struggle is boring. I like to take what I want but to do it consentually. Chess.
Similar I like the struggle, some would say that was me being a brat. I like the game of chess that mentally exhausts you before you are then physically exhausted.
That part is complicated. You are fulfilling needs in yourself I think. My wife needs me to be stronger than her. She's a strong woman but feels protected because I am stronger.
I am stronger because I have her. So its a chicken and egg thing at this point
Hmm that's interesting Mr Arrows. And is something I'm going to ponder about.
If she just did everything I said as i said it, I would get bored and she would be a lesser version than herself. So she fights. She shows me she's not weak. And I show her I'm stronger in this battle of the wills. And then we do what I want. But it has changed slightly from what I had envisioned originally. It's synthesis.
The first word that came to mind when I read your post was symbiosis. Gosh I know our relationship as we set it out is different to the actual reality of being in a long term D/s relationship.
Lol. I deleted the word symbiosis and put in synthesis.
The beauty of D/s is that your relationship is YOURS. As long as you are both happy, everyone else can fuck right off.
We have been chatting for about 5 years now I think. I remember how you felt at the time and I know how you say you feel now. You seem genuinely happy. So don't stress it. "
See great minds think alike. Mr Arrows I am in a good place yes. That's the thing kink is as individual as any other type of relationship. Think that's what I've learnt over the years. |
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I learned that no one can judge my relationship, and I can't judge anyone else's.
For a while I thought I needed to qualify it, or leave things out when I was talking to others about it, just in case they thought it wasn't a proper Ds relationship. Fuck that. I'm happy and she's happy that is all that matters
I don't think myself a dominant because it puts a label on me and labels are limiting. I am a bloke with control issues who is married to his best mate, who also has control issues that line up perfectly with mine. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"Great scenes should be negotiated and discussed beforehand, the parties involved. Many conflate topping from the bottom with discussing needs/desires/negotiations. Good D/s relationships are built on communication and trust. If the bottom feels that they are unable to communicate their needs directly, and manipulate the Top into activity (topping from the bottom), it is worth revisiting the communication and negotiation styles. Xx ms
Mainly this, although I would preface by saying that in BDSM everyone does their own thing and applies terms in their own understanding. Therefore it is critical before starting a relationship being very clear on how the dynamic will work, whether the dynamic is solo scene or a full blown relationship.
As part of the discussion is the issue of behaviours between the participants.
Topping from the bottom is generally seen as a negative behaviour. I have mostly seen it described as taking control from the dominant in a manner which has not been negotiated or agreed. However, it will be seen differently by different people so each relationship needs to negotiate what is acceptable.
I would suggest that if properly discussed there is a huge difference between giving polite feedback by the submissive of their wants and needs and the submissive taking control. Even in scene if the submissive/bottom makes unagreed demands or makes them in a way that has not been agreed the Top/Dominant can ignore them or the Dominant can stop the scene and obtain clarity about the subs/bottoms thinking.
Of course there is the issue of brats, and I don't do brats.
Oh Zensual this brat is heartbroken "
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"Is this like saying there's a fluid power dynamic?"
Fluid power dynamics are based on communication and trust.
Topping from the bottom is manipulation of the top. If the dynamic has agreed that this is an element that is wanted and mutually agreed then that’s the specifics of that dynamic. But, again it comes back to effective communication and consent. |
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