FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > On reflection...
On reflection...
Jump to: Newest in thread
 |
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Morning all ... so I've had a surreal couple of days and I'm feeling very rejected and reflective. Short background, recently out of the blue someone I'd seen quite a lot in the past got back in touch which was a nice surprise, we arranged to meet for a coffee catch up and then just disappeared out of my life. That exact day, someone new that I had been really interested in meeting just blocked me out of the blue when things seemed to be going really well. I'm left scratching my head. I mean clearly the common ground here is me. But how do you know what you did wrong when they just stop like that? Can you reflect back and find what it was? I feel like I must be doing something to push people to this. I'm going to spend a few days looking at how I am with people but just wondered if anyone else did this? Or do you just assume it's them and move on. I mean I will move on but I struggle when I experience what I consider odd behaviour without explanation. I guess it's the nature of the site, so should I just accept it, or should I look to try and fix something within me that must be wrong?
Sorry for the long post but your thoughts are welcome. It's good to talk  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
I can understand why you might automatically assume that you're reason as you were common to both situations. But I don't think you can say that, maybe it was but you won't know the reasoning of others.
Fab life is so fickle, things can change in the blink of an eye and for no apparent reason. It's the price of admission unfortunately.
Rejection is never easy to deal with, particularly when you're blindsided by it. How you go forward from it now is up to you. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"you cant fix something within yourself when there is nothing wrong with you,, unfortunatley thats life,, we live and learn all the time,, dont beat yourself up over its his loss.."
See, how do I know it's not me though? It kinda feels like it is me for it to happen twice in one day. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
It's difficult, because as a single guy, you get use to rejection and ghosting, you don't expect ladies to get the same thing done to them.
The easy answer is move on, but that's horse shit, as even though it's fab, you start thinking why.
I see nothing in your profile that would scare anyone (indeed, you're an attractive lady), so, I think it's the throw away nature of this site.
Hope it doesn't stop you having a rewarding weekend |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I can understand why you might automatically assume that you're reason as you were common to both situations. But I don't think you can say that, maybe it was but you won't know the reasoning of others.
Fab life is so fickle, things can change in the blink of an eye and for no apparent reason. It's the price of admission unfortunately.
Rejection is never easy to deal with, particularly when you're blindsided by it. How you go forward from it now is up to you. "
I think that's the hard bit. If I move forward and do the same thing again, then the same thing will happen won't it? So I have to change something to stop it. Or is it something out of my control and just a coincidence? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I guess you'll never know if they choose not to communicate it. While it's confusing, it's something that you just need to accept and move on. Maybe it was you, maybe they have personal things going on, maybe they've took something said badly or maybe they didn't plan on sticking around in the first place. Point is there's so many scenarios and if someone wants to be in your life they will be. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Did you have the coffee catch up or did they ghost before?
I know it can feel like it's you but it really could just be a coincidence.
You're already feeling shit from 2 rejections, don't feel worse by thinking you are the issue.
Unless you told them both you are now into some weird kink or recently became a nun.
Chin up.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Did you have the coffee catch up or did they ghost before?
I know it can feel like it's you but it really could just be a coincidence.
You're already feeling shit from 2 rejections, don't feel worse by thinking you are the issue.
Unless you told them both you are now into some weird kink or recently became a nun.
Chin up. "
Ah yes it's always when I mending being a nun! .. dammit I wish it were that easy. And thank you, you're right of course. It was before the catch up. I think I need to lick my wounds for a little while and maybe not overthink it. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I guess you'll never know if they choose not to communicate it. While it's confusing, it's something that you just need to accept and move on. Maybe it was you, maybe they have personal things going on, maybe they've took something said badly or maybe they didn't plan on sticking around in the first place. Point is there's so many scenarios and if someone wants to be in your life they will be."
Rational me knows this. I need to find rational me again  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Rejection happens. Ghosting happens. Blocking happens. It’s shit for sure but as long as there are people on the planet it’ll happen.
I actually think it’s really good that you’re looking at yourself for answers, too many people blame everyone else and then cast all men/women as flakey/time wasters/messers. It’s a positive thing to be reflective and to think about whether it was anything you said or did even if you don’t come up with any answers.
In this case tho it sounds very much like coincidence that both guys did this on the same day. That only happened because they made those decisions on that particular day. Understandable that made you feel shit but that really was outside of your control.
I don’t know you and I’ve never met you and I wasn’t at your meeting with the first guy and haven’t seen your messages with the second guy so I can’t say whether I think it was you or them.
That said, you are a very beautiful woman and you’re obviously intelligent and intuitive so unless you turn up to meets in a wedding dress with a list of names for your future children I can’t see anything that would put anyone off!
Dust yourself down and get back up, not everyone fits with everyone else and that’s fine. There’s 8 billion people on the planet so don’t let the rude and immature behaviour of two of them get you down |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"I can understand why you might automatically assume that you're reason as you were common to both situations. But I don't think you can say that, maybe it was but you won't know the reasoning of others.
Fab life is so fickle, things can change in the blink of an eye and for no apparent reason. It's the price of admission unfortunately.
Rejection is never easy to deal with, particularly when you're blindsided by it. How you go forward from it now is up to you.
I think that's the hard bit. If I move forward and do the same thing again, then the same thing will happen won't it? So I have to change something to stop it. Or is it something out of my control and just a coincidence?"
You will never know, you can say it was something you did/said or decide it was a decision outside of your involvement. But in either scenario, rejection hurts.
It's very easy to assume that as the common denominator then it's you. Don't. Every contact on fab is a discrete event. What happened yesterday doesn't automatically influence what happens tomorrow. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"You might feel like the common denominator but it’s not necessarily taking into account their personal circumstances.
Always about to talk SS, you know that  "
Thank you |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *avexxMan
over a year ago
cheshire |
"Rejection happens. Ghosting happens. Blocking happens. It’s shit for sure but as long as there are people on the planet it’ll happen.
I actually think it’s really good that you’re looking at yourself for answers, too many people blame everyone else and then cast all men/women as flakey/time wasters/messers. It’s a positive thing to be reflective and to think about whether it was anything you said or did even if you don’t come up with any answers.
In this case tho it sounds very much like coincidence that both guys did this on the same day. That only happened because they made those decisions on that particular day. Understandable that made you feel shit but that really was outside of your control.
I don’t know you and I’ve never met you and I wasn’t at your meeting with the first guy and haven’t seen your messages with the second guy so I can’t say whether I think it was you or them.
That said, you are a very beautiful woman and you’re obviously intelligent and intuitive so unless you turn up to meets in a wedding dress with a list of names for your future children I can’t see anything that would put anyone off!
Dust yourself down and get back up, not everyone fits with everyone else and that’s fine. There’s 8 billion people on the planet so don’t let the rude and immature behaviour of two of them get you down "
,, fluffy nailed it.. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
If you had some something really bad I'm sure you would know about it.
They probably both have partners and started to get a conscience/worried about getting found out.
It is hard tho if you liked them. but they say there's plenty more fish in tge sea..there's also plenty of sunken treasure and human excrement. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Did you have the coffee catch up or did they ghost before?
I know it can feel like it's you but it really could just be a coincidence.
You're already feeling shit from 2 rejections, don't feel worse by thinking you are the issue.
Unless you told them both you are now into some weird kink or recently became a nun.
Chin up.
Ah yes it's always when I mending being a nun! .. dammit I wish it were that easy. And thank you, you're right of course. It was before the catch up. I think I need to lick my wounds for a little while and maybe not overthink it. "
Ok so the catch up ghoster was them. They may have life stuff or don't want you to see they are different in some way now.
The other is because you are a nun. 
Licking is good. Thinking is not. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"should I just accept it, or should I look to try and fix something within me that must be wrong?
Sorry for the long post but your thoughts are welcome. It's good to talk "
Since you can’t control what others think, feel, say, or do I suspect you’ll be happier all round if you learn to become indifferent to others’ behaviour and attitudes.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *olarMan
over a year ago
woking |
Stop blaming yourself for situations out of your control. The site is mad bad good and downright frustrating sometimes. People are fickle and often dismissive and come across disengaged with what you are striving to achieve. Having said that there are also great people too.
Good luck. Just be confident and happy in yourself |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I have just been blocked and discarded merely because I met someone haha. Fab is fickle.
Honestly it is good to be reflective of course for your own personal growth but do not beat yourself up over it.
I understand that you have no idea why or what you may have done wrong. You may have done nothing wrong at all. It could be all them.
By all means process what happened and think about what it could have been but don't boil your own head over it. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Morning all ... so I've had a surreal couple of days and I'm feeling very rejected and reflective. Short background, recently out of the blue someone I'd seen quite a lot in the past got back in touch which was a nice surprise, we arranged to meet for a coffee catch up and then just disappeared out of my life. That exact day, someone new that I had been really interested in meeting just blocked me out of the blue when things seemed to be going really well. I'm left scratching my head. I mean clearly the common ground here is me. But how do you know what you did wrong when they just stop like that? Can you reflect back and find what it was? I feel like I must be doing something to push people to this. I'm going to spend a few days looking at how I am with people but just wondered if anyone else did this? Or do you just assume it's them and move on. I mean I will move on but I struggle when I experience what I consider odd behaviour without explanation. I guess it's the nature of the site, so should I just accept it, or should I look to try and fix something within me that must be wrong?
Sorry for the long post but your thoughts are welcome. It's good to talk "
Horrible situation to be in. First thing I'd suggest is take a breath...pause and let all your thoughts pass by without actually interacting (can't think of a better word) with them.
I've realised over the years that when something like that happens and your emotions are triggered there thing that was taught to me but my councillor and phycologist was ...
Your emotional state will change and cycle until it starts to settle back to what it wants to be at, the "normal" so to speak.
One on that state you can then decide where you wish to address your focus.
I'm going to be a little harsh and say, it may will be you that is pushing them away.
But
If you have looked at the way you behaved and you see nothing wrong with it and that is who you truly think you are then it is 100% "bullet" dodged for you.
I look at myself, far too often, through the lense of others. My job performance reports, my dad's opinion or my mates judging me while paying sport. It's exhausting.
Because of that I have found that I am 3 or 4 different people and my life never really mixes and I'm without true deep founded friendships.
Over all what I'm trying to say
Is consider what others say or how they treat you.
Your actions will have an impact on those things but you always most remember that other people are arseholes and we all are complex and out for ourselves. The rare ones will be therefore you.
It's not your fault they choose to blank you and cut you off. But it's now down to you how you respond to that.
If I could be so bold I'd suggest, think what they might be going through, did they give you any clues that they are maybe cheating on another partner and came back to you to explore the possibility of what could have been.
They might have come to see you for emotional boost because they know you're a lovely person but now to embarrassed or to weak to own up that they don't want more.
We can all be to hung up about not hurting others when we should be able to be open and say how are feel without each person getting to upset.
Sorry for the waffle...I feel for you and hope it doesn't consume you and you can enjoy your weekend xxx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *nitterWoman
over a year ago
the land of tall tales and yarn |
**twirls in, throws glitter and bops SS on the nose playfully**
Now you just stop those silly thoughts,you are smart, witty, beautiful and kind.
Whatever their reason it doesn"t change the fact that ultimatley it is their lose.
Chin up and get your swag on.
Knitter kisses and huggles for you. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Unless you’ve said something out of the ordinary or you shared your face pics just moments before they blocked/ghosted then I can’t see that it could be you.
The first one you say got back in touch after a long time and the second just blocked you during chats. Both suggest they could maybe have partners and were seeing how easy it would be to hook up with you and maybe you’ve said something which made them think there wasn’t a chance of a quick knee tembler!
You’ll send your thoughts all over the place but we’ve found you can’t justify some people’s actions.
K
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I think you could drive yourself to distraction looking for reasons that you’ll probably never find out. For it to happen twice on the same day is probably just coincidence. Knowing of you as I have over the years, you’re a straight shooter, and I imagine you’d give anyone else the advice to chalk it off as an anomaly and to move on, rather than over analyse it. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It's hard and it's fucking shite . I've been there and I'm still convinced I was the problem.
As someone said above I think it's good to not automatically assume the man is a dick as most do. But I also wouldn't dwell on it, easier said than done I know.
You aren't responsible for others actions, if in their eyes you are the problem, that's their problem not yours. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Sorry to hear you had a tough time recently. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong at all. If people are flakey and they feel a need to ghost or block suddenly, leaving you with no feedback at all then I think they are the problem -- not you
Think about it. If you've been getting on really well, surely they would be able to tell you something along the lines of "I don't feel like meeting now." Or actually communicating something if they have a problem instead of suddenly breaking of contact
There can be genuine reasons for ghosting. Like life suddenly getting in the way but you'll never know if they don't get back to you. But blocking suddenly is bad, I think. Some people like to abuse blocking features, acting like they are in control and asserting their boundaries but really they're acting out of impulse which benefits no one
But I know how easy it is to obsess and overthink when things like that happen and you're already invested in the person on some level. And with no feedback on why it happened, you get stuck in a feedback loop within yourself trying to find an answer you will probably never get
Moving on is important. The problem I've experienced with this is that I ended up concluding I was the problem then assumed it was me that needed to change. And then trying to change myself based on criteria I convinced myself was true. So definitely don't do that. Just take a little bit of time for yourself and recuperate your feelings
Hope this helps |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Morning all ... so I've had a surreal couple of days and I'm feeling very rejected and reflective. Short background, recently out of the blue someone I'd seen quite a lot in the past got back in touch which was a nice surprise, we arranged to meet for a coffee catch up and then just disappeared out of my life. That exact day, someone new that I had been really interested in meeting just blocked me out of the blue when things seemed to be going really well. I'm left scratching my head. I mean clearly the common ground here is me. But how do you know what you did wrong when they just stop like that? Can you reflect back and find what it was? I feel like I must be doing something to push people to this. I'm going to spend a few days looking at how I am with people but just wondered if anyone else did this? Or do you just assume it's them and move on. I mean I will move on but I struggle when I experience what I consider odd behaviour without explanation. I guess it's the nature of the site, so should I just accept it, or should I look to try and fix something within me that must be wrong?
Sorry for the long post but your thoughts are welcome. It's good to talk "
maybe you mentioned the guy from the past and that was the killer for the guy who blocked you  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I wouldn't spend another second trying to analyse it, people do what they do for all reasons and whatever the cause it will probably be for a different reason altogether than what you originally thought.
But I can honestly say I'd lay a bet on you not being the reason.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I know where you are coming from, I do the same.
Although you may not have done anything wrong in the slightest and if you had, the person you are talking to not taking the time to explain what it is.
That's no great loss. Similar to an argument and years of old stuff you weren't aware of come out. They've been holding that for ages waiting for an opportunity rather than be an adult about it.
I'd say the blocking is a blessing and removed some drama from your life freeing your time for different possibilities. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It can be so hard to try and understand when these things happen but the reality is you might never know.
Its easy to say this but, you can only control what you can control. Unfortunately the actions of others isn't it.
They need to own that, not you.
You can control how you respond to it. Don't tie yourself in knots over this.
Maybe take some time to focus on other things x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You might feel like the common denominator but it’s not necessarily taking into account their personal circumstances.
Always about to talk SS, you know that
Thank you "
PS having met you, I can absolutely confirm that it’s you xoxo |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I’m going to say I think it is *you* but not in the way you might necessarily think…
Do you feel differently about anything, about yourself, anything about your mindset that you didn’t feel whilst meeting previously?
It’s very easy to give out u*conscious vibes that may repel
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"You might feel like the common denominator but it’s not necessarily taking into account their personal circumstances.
Always about to talk SS, you know that
Thank you
PS having met you, I can absolutely confirm that it’s you xoxo"
Dickhead  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Thank you for all your input. It might be me, it might be them. Who knows. I guess I just like people to be upfront. That's my nature.
Anyway I've smashed some balls on the tennis court this morning and feel much better. Next! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Thank you for all your input. It might be me, it might be them. Who knows. I guess I just like people to be upfront. That's my nature.
Anyway I've smashed some balls on the tennis court this morning and feel much better. Next! "
Dammit should have said "new balls please" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I think you’re being hard on yourself. Of course you’ll feel like it’s to do with you but equally sometimes people don’t have the space for us and they don’t know how to communicate that. That’s on them. There’s lots of things it could be. Reflection is good but don’t drive yourself mad thinking about reasons that you’ll never Know.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Listen, two people ghosted you without so much as a care in the world to explain why.
There's so many possibilities, including that they may have had a horrible accident, you never know?
Assuming it is ghosting, that's not mature behaviour. And I'd try to eradicate thoughts of personal self worth coming into it purely on that rationale. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *obajxMan
over a year ago
Cheshire |
"Morning all ... so I've had a surreal couple of days and I'm feeling very rejected and reflective. Short background, recently out of the blue someone I'd seen quite a lot in the past got back in touch which was a nice surprise, we arranged to meet for a coffee catch up and then just disappeared out of my life. That exact day, someone new that I had been really interested in meeting just blocked me out of the blue when things seemed to be going really well. I'm left scratching my head. I mean clearly the common ground here is me. But how do you know what you did wrong when they just stop like that? Can you reflect back and find what it was? I feel like I must be doing something to push people to this. I'm going to spend a few days looking at how I am with people but just wondered if anyone else did this? Or do you just assume it's them and move on. I mean I will move on but I struggle when I experience what I consider odd behaviour without explanation. I guess it's the nature of the site, so should I just accept it, or should I look to try and fix something within me that must be wrong?
Sorry for the long post but your thoughts are welcome. It's good to talk "
It's nothing to do with you and everything to do with them |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
You can only control what you give not what you get, trying to figure out why people do what they do is the road to depression. Reflect on their recent behaviour and you’ll realise you deserve better and they don’t deserve you in their lives. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Morning all ... so I've had a surreal couple of days and I'm feeling very rejected and reflective. Short background, recently out of the blue someone I'd seen quite a lot in the past got back in touch which was a nice surprise, we arranged to meet for a coffee catch up and then just disappeared out of my life. That exact day, someone new that I had been really interested in meeting just blocked me out of the blue when things seemed to be going really well. I'm left scratching my head. I mean clearly the common ground here is me. But how do you know what you did wrong when they just stop like that? Can you reflect back and find what it was? I feel like I must be doing something to push people to this. I'm going to spend a few days looking at how I am with people but just wondered if anyone else did this? Or do you just assume it's them and move on. I mean I will move on but I struggle when I experience what I consider odd behaviour without explanation. I guess it's the nature of the site, so should I just accept it, or should I look to try and fix something within me that must be wrong?
Sorry for the long post but your thoughts are welcome. It's good to talk
"
.
You will always be the common ground to anything that happens to you though, it doesn't necessarily mean if signifies anything more than just that. I can see how it's disconcerting but these just seem like two typical Fab events to me, as you presupposed. Life often seems like it's full of coincidences and freaky events because it actually statistically is.
pt |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I can empathise with the unexplained odd behaviours. It's a struggle for me too.
When it's a vanishing act so to speak, as you describe - it's not so bad.
When it's within a relationship - it can cause me a fair bit of psychological distress. Especially the incongruence between behaviours and words - thing.
I guess in the end you have to walk away and provide your own closure with some people. If you know their behaviour is a problem for you.
What I find peculiar is that nearly everyone claims to want open communication and honesty. Rather have the bad news than none at all etc. But it's 50/50 whether they do. I guess for some it's when it suits them, rather than consideration for a partner's feelings?
It's that balance, which informs me of when it's time to check out. People aren't an exact science though are they? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
OP, I'm truly sorry to hear about your experiences and I am certain this blip and misstep on your Fab journey is a transient one.
There is some very useful feedback on this thread, but I suggest that you search for similar threads created by men to get a more balanced and objective viewpoint. These things happen. It's not his loss, despite what others may think. It's not your loss either; it's life. Regrettably breadcrumbing, fickleness and timewasting is all part of the journey.
Look beyond the sycophancy on this thread and take onboard the support and solidarity that you've received herein, disregard the incongruous and baseless comments that "they must have had partners". Men are allowed to change their minds even if they resort to gutless ghosting and breadcrumbing; women often exercise the same discretion too.
All p+sitive aspects moving forward and good luck to you.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Thank you all for speaking so much sense. On reflection, I'm truly still positive. I've got other awesomeness to concentrate on so no more time to waste on what might have been. It won't be, and that's all I need to know. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Thank you all for speaking so much sense. On reflection, I'm truly still positive. I've got other awesomeness to concentrate on so no more time to waste on what might have been. It won't be, and that's all I need to know. "
You know you're hot |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
