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What does it mean to be a good Dom
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From the perspective of a bi sub:
A good dom (which I only ever use in the fetish/BDSM sense personally) takes control.
The SM (sadomasochistic) type of dom requires some form of 'sub'. If you use 'dom' just to mean someone who is dominating in the bedroom, you don't necessarily need a naturally submissive partner or indeed any fetishistic sex (we all have our own little kinks imo!).
Communities involve people looking out for each other, and in general the fetish community looks out for people who take advantage or unnecessarily hurt each other in a damaging and lasting emotional and/or physical sense. Breaking laws is another taboo that ultimately hurts the community. On the fringes there are people into some a) crazy and b) very dodgy stuff.
In the middle are a lot of people having a lot of fun!
The good dom understands role play, give and take, boundaries, self control, subspace and the dom place!
pt |
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"From the perspective of a bi sub:
A good dom (which I only ever use in the fetish/BDSM sense personally) takes control.
The SM (sadomasochistic) type of dom requires some form of 'sub'. If you use 'dom' just to mean someone who is dominating in the bedroom, you don't necessarily need a naturally submissive partner or indeed any fetishistic sex (we all have our own little kinks imo!).
Communities involve people looking out for each other, and in general the fetish community looks out for people who take advantage or unnecessarily hurt each other in a damaging and lasting emotional and/or physical sense. Breaking laws is another taboo that ultimately hurts the community. On the fringes there are people into some a) crazy and b) very dodgy stuff.
In the middle are a lot of people having a lot of fun!
The good dom understands role play, give and take, boundaries, self control, subspace and the dom place!
pt"
Makes sense... Thank you for replying |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"From the perspective of a bi sub:
A good dom (which I only ever use in the fetish/BDSM sense personally) takes control.
The SM (sadomasochistic) type of dom requires some form of 'sub'. If you use 'dom' just to mean someone who is dominating in the bedroom, you don't necessarily need a naturally submissive partner or indeed any fetishistic sex (we all have our own little kinks imo!).
Communities involve people looking out for each other, and in general the fetish community looks out for people who take advantage or unnecessarily hurt each other in a damaging and lasting emotional and/or physical sense. Breaking laws is another taboo that ultimately hurts the community. On the fringes there are people into some a) crazy and b) very dodgy stuff.
In the middle are a lot of people having a lot of fun!
The good dom understands role play, give and take, boundaries, self control, subspace and the dom place!
pt"
Just to add, communication and consistency are two positive traits to look for in a good Dom.
It is also highly subjective to the the subs needs, a bad D type for one sub is another's perfect match. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Trust.
That needs to be something that is built over time. It's trust that they know you and your limits and they'd never push that for thier own gain.
The ability to communicate well with their sub is also important.
I think for me mostly trust is the one and also being with a Dom who will respect your limits yet is always pushing you and trying new things. They also need to spend the time with you to do this. For me it's not just a one off, it needs to be a developed relationship over time.
I know there are Dom's/dommes for hire by the hour, so I don't know how I'd fit them in my ideals. But at least there, I believe there is a bit of rapport building and communicating to find out limits, wants and needs. |
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"Trust.
That needs to be something that is built over time. It's trust that they know you and your limits and they'd never push that for thier own gain.
The ability to communicate well with their sub is also important.
I think for me mostly trust is the one and also being with a Dom who will respect your limits yet is always pushing you and trying new things. They also need to spend the time with you to do this. For me it's not just a one off, it needs to be a developed relationship over time.
I know there are Dom's/dommes for hire by the hour, so I don't know how I'd fit them in my ideals. But at least there, I believe there is a bit of rapport building and communicating to find out limits, wants and needs."
Thank you  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A good dominant is subjective in the eyes of the submissive.
A sub looking for a degrading dom isn't going to have compatibility with a pleasure dom. It's not as black and white as people interpret.
In my opinion the below are aspects that any dominant person should demonstrate:
- strong communication skills, not only to express themselves, but to learn more and understand desires, limits and develop the relationship with a submissive.
- confidence. Not arrogance during interaction.
- empathy, to build a meaningful connection between the d/s so both feel safe in exploring new things. But then to actually invest and want to spend time caring about each other during aftercare.
There are other countless areas which could be focused on (curiosity to new things and self improvement), but they are applicable to anyone, not just a dominant. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When you go on a hunger strike because your sub won't do as you say because they're a bratty sub 
See you haven't quite hit the dirty protest stage yet "
There's time! |
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"When you go on a hunger strike because your sub won't do as you say because they're a bratty sub
See you haven't quite hit the dirty protest stage yet
There's time! "
Indian takeaways hotter the better. are your friend in this instance.... |
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As a pleasure Dom, trust to me is key, understanding my subs boundaries and desires. Which boundaries are flexible and controlling urges to elicite most pleasure for my sub. Occasional control to keep the dynamic alive |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's about the person not about being dom.
Communicative, self awareness, mindfulness, respect, empathy, compassion, the ability to disagree maturely and respectfully, confident not arrogant, assertive not pushy or entitled, compersion, patience, nurturing plus more.
Someone who will devote their time and effort into a sub to a level that is on par with a long term relationship at the very least.
I'm submissive, but no one has got near it yet as that list is a tall order.
I can enter into BDSM scenes with some but the D/s side of me takes a hell of a lot more to get to. |
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By *AM-93Man
over a year ago
scunthorpe |
Respect, trust, understanding, honesty and rules.
Make sure you set out your safe words, you must respect the others wishes for what not to do etc then the rest is down to you!
I love being a Dom and also I have been partial so being slightly submissive too and not had any complaints either way so far |
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By *empted23Couple
over a year ago
countryside |
Anyone can swing a whip or a flogger
( although not everyone can do so safely )
But it doesn’t make you a Dom
I’m largely going to Echo previous answers
COMMUNICATION - Listen as much if not more than you speak
Honesty , clarity , know your self , so you can focus on your sub
It’s a guiding Roll , yes you get the gratification of submission but you should be helping your sub not just to develop and be a better sub but achieve their potential in all aspects of life
Accountability is a key part aswell
We can all have an off day but if your inconsistent and lazy or inattentive and not developing yourself too
Your not going to be a very good Dom
What the service / submission and domination look like though is an ocean of diferent possibles that you work out through intense negotiation with your sub |
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"I'm very surprised that nobody had mentioned after care as being important
Exactly what I was going to comment but I saw your reply.
After care is everything for me.
"
.
Add it to the discussion, nobody has gone into too much detail...
It think some people do need a lot of after care, others like me tend to prepare and are happy with the minimum (ie use of a loo or a glass of water, but I can pre-prepare even for that sometimes). What is always unacceptable of course is turfing someone out when they need a bit of recovery time. In terms of community acceptance anyway, on the fringes you see it all.
It all needs to be discussed for sure.
pt |
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A dom/sub dynamic is just another form of relationship with bits added.
Most relationships have a leader. Someone who decides what happens or makes big decisions. No one says it but its just there. In a dom sub dynamic that is clearly defined.
Submission is a gift. It must be given freely. Control is clearly given to someone else without coercion or pressure. In return a good dominant agrees not to abuse the trust given to them.
A good dominant needs to be able to communicate well. That means listening as well as talking. "Do this" is fine but a good dominant often just needs to say, this is what I want, and they get it. Conversely a good dominant doesn't need a sub to say I can't do that, because they pay attention.
A sub/dominant relationship is just like every other relationship only with more clearly defined roles and expectations. So a good dominant is just like a good wife or husband. |
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Some people would say a dom needs to protect or guide or shelter their sub.
But I think it's simpler look at what makes a good husband/wife.
Don't be a wanker. Don't be abusive. Communicate well and don't take yourself so serious |
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"It can't just be " do this or I'll spank/choke you..."
And I'm also guessing it's a natural position and not something that can be forced... So how does it work!"
5hink you'll find 95% of people here honestly have no idea ( whilst many im sure will argue otherwise), I recently wrote an article on this. The short answer is about being astute enough and aware enough to hold space for a partner to explore aspects of themselves on all the levels.. the three most people understand are the physical, emotional and mental levels.
My perspective there is another too but I'm not going into that in this post.
The natural position you referred to is someone being in their own power, knowing themselves and loving themselves unconditionally and with little regard for other peoples perspectives and expectations. You know these people when you meet them... because you can feel that 'flavour emanating from them. Essentially they know who they are. This allows them the ability to hold space for others because they have been there, experienced it and know what a sub is going through.
The spanking choking mentality comes from 50 shades era where people dip there foot in but the plague of insecurities and fears, coupled with the lack of knowledge of themselves... you get motives and intentions that drip feed into the space that is being held and can in some situations cause some nasty experiences.
I would argue there are pretend doms who put on a facade at the weekends, and real doms who live it because it requires a great deal of self awareness and work. Issue 5hese days there is a mass influx of the first and that is becoming the norm.
Could go on for hours but I will finish with the point... not all dom sub relationships are sexual. Something to think about.
|
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"It can't just be " do this or I'll spank/choke you..."
And I'm also guessing it's a natural position and not something that can be forced... So how does it work!
5hink you'll find 95% of people here honestly have no idea ( whilst many im sure will argue otherwise), I recently wrote an article on this. The short answer is about being astute enough and aware enough to hold space for a partner to explore aspects of themselves on all the levels.. the three most people understand are the physical, emotional and mental levels.
My perspective there is another too but I'm not going into that in this post.
The natural position you referred to is someone being in their own power, knowing themselves and loving themselves unconditionally and with little regard for other peoples perspectives and expectations. You know these people when you meet them... because you can feel that 'flavour emanating from them. Essentially they know who they are. This allows them the ability to hold space for others because they have been there, experienced it and know what a sub is going through.
The spanking choking mentality comes from 50 shades era where people dip there foot in but the plague of insecurities and fears, coupled with the lack of knowledge of themselves... you get motives and intentions that drip feed into the space that is being held and can in some situations cause some nasty experiences.
I would argue there are pretend doms who put on a facade at the weekends, and real doms who live it because it requires a great deal of self awareness and work. Issue 5hese days there is a mass influx of the first and that is becoming the norm.
Could go on for hours but I will finish with the point... not all dom sub relationships are sexual. Something to think about.
"
excellent |
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I have a dom (outside of FS) who might actually be autistic and can't do certain things. He needs help and I have to hide how I do it because of his ego (sorry to the occasional dom who thinks 'topping from the bottom' is a sin - it just happens some times, don't be too bothered by it. Ideally if it bothers you, you won't notice!) The dom I refer to is a bit naturally mean, but not a bad person. It's symbiotic. At least one of you needs to be on the ball though, I think. I also know someone I don't particularly like, but somehow we get it right.
pt |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dominant partner must possess the ability to thoroughly understand the immediate and hidden desires of their submissive. Effective communication and the skill to decipher thoughts are essential traits for a Dominant. While a Dominant respects boundaries, they should also have insight into the deepest corners of the submissive's mind, even those unspoken desires. These insights can be gleaned from behavioral patterns, life choices, reading preferences, travel aspirations, and what excites them.
A Dominant must use these elements to discover what would truly bring enjoyment to the submissive's life and gently push boundaries in that direction.
Building trust is paramount, as without it, exploring limits or any other aspect of the dynamic won't be possible. This is a long-term journey, not a quick overnight endeavor. It requires setting goals and designing a path to achieve them. The joy lies in the journey itself, not just in reaching the destination. |
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I really don't think there's a specific specification. Although granted there are some characteristics and attitudes I think most would agree are desirable. But what makes a good Dom is very specific to the individual/s involved, thier needs and desires. A "good Dom" doesn't necessarily fit a stereotype. And the most effective Dom's who've we've seen tend to be the most unassuming and lovely people. And they may not necessarily give themselves that label or like that label. Obviously as I've said to some extent is subjective. However in our experience you know a good Dom when you encounter one. Even if their dynamic is not your dynamic and thus not for you personally you know a good one and a bad one. Or more importantly you recognise the ones you can trust and feel at ease with and the ones you don't. I'd say we've seen a few on either end of the good and bad spectrum. I would say temperament, nature and attitude are so important over technical execution (providing its safe). The personal interaction, trust and mind space is far more important than how tidy or advanced the ropework is for an example. |
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There is no definitive answer, much the same as what makes the perfect boyfriend. It varies so much from person to person and often it's unquantifiable what makes someone your perfect partner.
I think there's a difference between being a top for a scene and someone's Dominant. And I believe there is more of a checklist of you are topping for a scene. |
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I can certainly say what a 'bad dom' might be. Someone who grooms certain vulnerable and often-younger people that he feels utter contempt for, fills them with lies, gets them to need him in some way, then treats them violently for his own dark sexual fulfilment. Someone who needs all of this to be aroused and feel he's the top dog.
pt |
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A good Dom respects his sub puts the needs and desires of the sub first and give to the sub understanding care and support and gives ultimate sexual pleasure and mental stimulation and forfillment . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I can certainly say what a 'bad dom' might be. Someone who grooms certain vulnerable and often-younger people that he feels utter contempt for, fills them with lies, gets them to need him in some way, then treats them violently for his own dark sexual fulfilment. Someone who needs all of this to be aroused and feel he's the top dog.
pt"
Aka an abuser.
Drives me fucking crazy seeing this happen in the lifestyle.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Something a group of LMI came up with.
A good Dom:
Takes His time, savors every moment.
Thinks ahead, plans what He wants to do, where He wants to go.
He makes a conscious effort to improve His skills, to become a Master.
Is the steadfast rock, never loses focus or control.
Watches His sub, reads her body, her expressions, her reactions.
Takes note of every sight, sound, taste, smell, texture and touch.
Takes total control in a respectful and reassuring way.
Does not allow his sub to hide, He knows her beauty and all of her little imperfections.
Understands how a woman's body works, and how to get the results He wants.
He communicates in explicit terms, before, during and after.
He claims ownership of his sub's body, for His use.
He shows respect and cares for his sub's body, health and mind.
He guides his sub to places she has never been before.
He cherishes her submission.
A little gendered but in that group it was the makeup. |
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