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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
This isn’t a thread about Russian semaphore conventions, this is about those warning signs and the context of them.
This is a multi layered question and as such, a matter of context and perspective…
Firstly, what behaviours are red flags to you, what would give you pause and question whether you want to be with someone?
Secondly, are there ever situations where those behaviours might not be such an issue? Certain people where those red flags either aren’t so problematic or you are willing to look past them?
This thread is inspired by various conversations with friends and loved ones where historical red flag behaviour for them either hasn’t been such an issue or they have tried to see past it. Is that something that you have done and why is that?
Thoughts folks.. |
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Without going into specific detail there is zero chance I would ever look passed a red flag or enable anyone displaying one.
The main red flags for me are people who are literally all things to all men.
They are privately vicious in their attacks on other fabbers, demonising and scheming but as nice as pie to those same people in a public forum.
Anyone enabling that type of behaviour is also on the red flag list. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"Nah. Not giving anyone any kind of ammunition or info on how to work around me, for beneficial or nefarious reasons. "
That's actually quite wise. Yeah, I'll do the same.
I have ignored personal red flags to me before. Tried to see past them even when they've pointed out to me by close friends and loved ones because I try and give people a chance. Don't believe in giving up on people etc. It's complicated!
It's not something I'd do now though. They exist for a reason for me.
(I'm a bit soft and I'll probably do it before the year is through) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There’s physical ones like smoking I’ll never get past
Other things take context, it’s not all green and red
People these days are so quick to dismiss someone on the smallest grounds. They’re only hurting themselves really by being so overly pessimistic and dismissive and wondering why they’re alone or can’t get meets |
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I've looked past red flags far too often in my 20's and have the PTSD to prove it. So never again, no matter how trivial or small it may seem.
Red flags on here though...
* men who address Matt as if he is my pimp
* women who are "bi for the lads" or "fab-bi"... just not my thing, I want my pussy licked too ya know!
* people who instantly want to chat offsite
* obviously just generally rude people
* the "fancy a fuck" "I'm free now" crowd... they clearly haven't read our profile and I just get the ick with it
Thise are our main ones before we actually get talking properly and find others.
Ms x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My red flags are mine and personal. If I tell them here then someone can or could actively talk to me and not set them off
I will talk to someone one on one about them and also ask for clarification if they say something especially if it is written as the written word can be deciphered in so many ways. Especially depending on my mood
I have been blocked for asking for clarification and that’s fine. |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
To be honest I'm not entirely sure what my red flags are. It can be different with different people.
More often it's more me getting an uncomfortable gut feeling that something isn't right one way or another but not able to pinpoint a specific reason.
Have I looked past red flags? Yes I have.
Will I do it again? Probably.
Why? Because I'm a twat who never learns  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have overlooked smaller red flags where the subject matter is not applicable to the set up with someone I'm seeing. Because they simply don't affect me or the set up I'd not be that invested. But I would choose not to enter into a long term relationship with someone showing me red flags. Especially when those red flags include abusive behaviours like control, possessiveness, lovebombing, manipulation and a complete disrespect of my boundaries.
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"These threads always turn into a 'How to write a fake profile' guide.
Just be honest and if no one is interested just accept that maybe swinging isn't for you
"
That’s not how I intended it, it’s more about personal introspection and how/why some people can or do make us see past the red flags. |
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"...what behaviours are red flags to you, what would give you pause and question whether you want to be with someone?"
•
When someone tries to shoehorn themselves into my realistic expectations with their unrealistic behaviour.
Other than that I'm keeping my red flag markers to myself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"People that bang on about red flags is a red flag for me.
What about a pirate? If he’s hot..
I like hot pirates
But if they were banging on about red flags? "
They can walk the plank. |
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Toms red flags are those people who are woke snowflakes with little or no sense of humour who take offence because anyone who does not share their views must be an enemy of the State and be cancelled ... if the cap fits and all that..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"People that bang on about red flags is a red flag for me.
I 100% agree. You should see the posts on Fet!"
The only red flag I’m concerned with is when I think someone is a cunt. |
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Yes I have red flags, but I'm also aware that they are very specific to me in general. So I wouldn't say x is a walking red flag, which so many people do because I think it's unjust.
I tend to think that the majority mean is that they see amber flags. In other words needs more time to figure out what's occurring. Because all of us can be absolute cunts at times and display red/amber flags. That doesn't make us problematic people. |
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Somebody who expects me to pay for stuff for them. I don't mean accepts me doing it, but actually expects it.
Somebody who never says thank you.
Somebody who takes without giving.
This describes my ex wife. My marriage was a very bad experience, which is why these are now red flags. Luke |
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I feel like we could discuss this for hours.
I think red flags are individual to each person. What I might see as red flags in someone, you might not.
I think it depends on where I'm at more than the other person. Am I being really honest with myself about my intentions/desires/hopes with this person? Am I trying to make the relationship less or more than it is? Am I aware of my own boundaries and am I maintaining them? And if not, why not?
Ultimately, I think knowing and trusting myself is the key to building relationships. If I can't do that, I'm fated to keep following the same patterns of behaviour.
Mrs TMN x |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
I have a few, based on personal experiences. My non negotiables are:
Violent men
Men who have a drink problem
Men who gaslight
Men with wandering eyes, roaming hands and a traitorous cock
Obviously there are more, but the above are ones I won’t stand for at all.
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If someone doesn't respect my autonomy of mind - I have to distance myself. It's that slippery feel where the power dynamic shifts from being mutual, but there's no explicit communication.
It's unfair to call it an objective red-flag. I am hyper-sensitive to it as it relates to my CSA.
I have a need for open explicit communication. It's a hard boundary for any intimate relationship.
Prejudice in its various forms are instant killers.
Low self-awareness is a problem as people can only communicate what they are aware of.
No Celine Dion that's banned.
I'm working on looking passed the liking of sprouts.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"If someone doesn't respect my autonomy of mind - I have to distance myself. It's that slippery feel where the power dynamic shifts from being mutual, but there's no explicit communication.
It's unfair to call it an objective red-flag. I am hyper-sensitive to it as it relates to my CSA.
I have a need for open explicit communication. It's a hard boundary for any intimate relationship.
Prejudice in its various forms are instant killers.
Low self-awareness is a problem as people can only communicate what they are aware of.
No Celine Dion that's banned.
I'm working on looking passed the liking of sprouts. "
Celine Dion cannot be a red flag. Be serious now.
.
.
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.
.
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.
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Katy Perry, on the other hand... |
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"If someone doesn't respect my autonomy of mind - I have to distance myself. It's that slippery feel where the power dynamic shifts from being mutual, but there's no explicit communication.
It's unfair to call it an objective red-flag. I am hyper-sensitive to it as it relates to my CSA.
I have a need for open explicit communication. It's a hard boundary for any intimate relationship.
Prejudice in its various forms are instant killers.
Low self-awareness is a problem as people can only communicate what they are aware of.
No Celine Dion that's banned.
I'm working on looking passed the liking of sprouts.
Celine Dion cannot be a red flag. Be serious now.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Katy Perry, on the other hand..."
I'm content for both to be banned, if that is acceptable to you? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"If someone doesn't respect my autonomy of mind - I have to distance myself. It's that slippery feel where the power dynamic shifts from being mutual, but there's no explicit communication.
It's unfair to call it an objective red-flag. I am hyper-sensitive to it as it relates to my CSA.
I have a need for open explicit communication. It's a hard boundary for any intimate relationship.
Prejudice in its various forms are instant killers.
Low self-awareness is a problem as people can only communicate what they are aware of.
No Celine Dion that's banned.
I'm working on looking passed the liking of sprouts.
Celine Dion cannot be a red flag. Be serious now.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Katy Perry, on the other hand...
I'm content for both to be banned, if that is acceptable to you?"
Sure but we are already friends!  |
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"If someone doesn't respect my autonomy of mind - I have to distance myself. It's that slippery feel where the power dynamic shifts from being mutual, but there's no explicit communication.
It's unfair to call it an objective red-flag. I am hyper-sensitive to it as it relates to my CSA.
I have a need for open explicit communication. It's a hard boundary for any intimate relationship.
Prejudice in its various forms are instant killers.
Low self-awareness is a problem as people can only communicate what they are aware of.
No Celine Dion that's banned.
I'm working on looking passed the liking of sprouts.
Celine Dion cannot be a red flag. Be serious now.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Katy Perry, on the other hand...
I'm content for both to be banned, if that is acceptable to you?
Sure but we are already friends! "
Yeah but you may start expressing your feelings through the medium of song.
I've made this mistake before, it's 10 years on now and she sends me music, I feel obliged to listen to that I can't stand . |
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My brain is soup and I'm not sure this is the right word but people who minimalise/devalue your time, to suit their agenda.
Recently I had a guy say "but your only doing this/you're not going out until then" whilst trying to invite himself round.
And then repeatedly pestered with offers until I blocked him, after saying I wasn't interested.
Honestly... there are so many red flags. |
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Secondly... yes, if I'm not going to be heavily involved with someone, certain red flags wouldn't bother me, because it's not going to be my problem, I can enjoy the time I have with them, in our situation.
I have overlooked in the past due to wanting to spend time with specific people, but that's never ended well, sometimes it really just proved the point, and then I was over them. |
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This is probably going to open a can of worms, but a male female couples profile where there's 16 photos of the woman in various situations and maybe one of the man, accompanied by text which is clearly written by the man where he's referring to his partner as 'she' or 'her'.
I know there are some viable reasons why people might have this as their 'communication style', but it never feels safe and right to me. IMO if you're playing as a couple and you're both enthusiastic about the prospect then your profile should reflect that.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"If someone doesn't respect my autonomy of mind - I have to distance myself. It's that slippery feel where the power dynamic shifts from being mutual, but there's no explicit communication.
It's unfair to call it an objective red-flag. I am hyper-sensitive to it as it relates to my CSA.
I have a need for open explicit communication. It's a hard boundary for any intimate relationship.
Prejudice in its various forms are instant killers.
Low self-awareness is a problem as people can only communicate what they are aware of.
No Celine Dion that's banned.
I'm working on looking passed the liking of sprouts.
Celine Dion cannot be a red flag. Be serious now.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Katy Perry, on the other hand...
I'm content for both to be banned, if that is acceptable to you?
Sure but we are already friends!
Yeah but you may start expressing your feelings through the medium of song.
I've made this mistake before, it's 10 years on now and she sends me music, I feel obliged to listen to that I can't stand ."
You've put the idea in my head now |
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"If someone doesn't respect my autonomy of mind - I have to distance myself. It's that slippery feel where the power dynamic shifts from being mutual, but there's no explicit communication.
It's unfair to call it an objective red-flag. I am hyper-sensitive to it as it relates to my CSA.
I have a need for open explicit communication. It's a hard boundary for any intimate relationship.
Prejudice in its various forms are instant killers.
Low self-awareness is a problem as people can only communicate what they are aware of.
No Celine Dion that's banned.
I'm working on looking passed the liking of sprouts.
Celine Dion cannot be a red flag. Be serious now.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Katy Perry, on the other hand...
I'm content for both to be banned, if that is acceptable to you?
Sure but we are already friends!
Yeah but you may start expressing your feelings through the medium of song.
I've made this mistake before, it's 10 years on now and she sends me music, I feel obliged to listen to that I can't stand .
You've put the idea in my head now "
It was my plan all along. I love Celine Dion really. |
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