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Jokes.....
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DR: No!No! Put your clothes back on...
Just show me your fucking tongue! | |||
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I replied,
"Only you, all the others kept me awake all night shagging!" | |||
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" Man and wife are out shopping together. Wife sees some shoes she wants but her husband says, "No way! They're way to expensive." Later that nite in bed he lays a hand on his wifes pussy, She says, "I don't fucking think so mate! If you can't afford to shoe the horse, then you ain't fucking riding it!!!""  | |||
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"Paddy goes into Wetherspoons and asks how much are the cocktails? Barman says, "£4 a glass and £10 for a Pitcher" Paddy replied " I'll have a glass, fuck the photo!"" | |||
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" Arsenal last won a trophy back in 2005 and the 'Crazy frog' was No1 eight years on, and he's still there! " | |||
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"Arsenal manager arsene wenger was so annoyed with his teams performance the other Night he stormed off down the tunnel saying he just needed some space. They found him in the trophy room" Thats not funny. The Arsenal trophy room got broken into and everything in it nicked. Police are looking for a man carrying a red carpet. | |||
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"Got this through on email today... Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your arse kicked. WARNING: the crumsumpten of alckiyol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel Gode. " | |||
" The government has passed a new bill in parliment. Now Gay men looking for a partner are entitled to more money. It's called 'Knobseekers Allowance!' Just letting you know so you can backdate your claim. " mfao | |||
"Apparently Oscar Pistorious wanted a new bathroom door... But his missus was dead against it...." Guess he didn't have a leg to stand on in the matter! | |||
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" Bloke rings down to the hotel reception and asks to be put through to the maintainance department immediately.. "What seems to be the problem sir?" ... "I've just had a huge arguement with my wife and she's threatening to jump out of the window". The concierge is somewhat taken aback but calmly informs his guest "I'm sorry sir,but your enquirey is surely a domestic matter?" "Listen here you idiot the fucking window won't open,get the maintenance man up here right now" " Lol Bloody jobsworths. | |||
"Just joined a website called constipated.com but am finding it difficult to log out.....:0))" I just joined Conjunctivitus.com. Its a site for sore eyes. | |||
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Apparently wrapping your cock in a copy of the Beano and wanking is not
Comic Relief.
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"Just joined a website called constipated.com but am finding it difficult to log out.....:0))" you need to remove the colon from the address bar  | |||
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" Don't forget Comic Releif this year.. Just £5 can help a diabled African learn the difference between an intruder and a girlfriend." | |||
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"I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! £35,000 - £40,000 So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000." " | |||
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"Did you hear about the paperboy ??? He blew away "Lol I use to be a paperboy. | |||
" I just installed Bonnie Tyler's voice on my Sat-Nav. It's awful, it keeps telling me to "Turn Around" and every now and then it falls apart. "I've just arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting the bathroom wall and singing 'It's a heartache, nothing but a heartache!' I thought to myself... she's a Bonnie Tyler | |||
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"Two cows in a field one says " Im really concerned about this BSE disease " The other replies " I dont give a fuck im a helicopter " " | |||
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" I was working in Tesco, re-arranging boxes of soap powder in aisle 7, when in walks the girl I'd scored with last night. "Oi!.You told me you were a stunt pilot...you lying bastard!" I replied "No,I told you I was part of the Ariel display team...!" " | |||
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"There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ." I said "Come in and sit down." I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?" He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."" Would someone please carbon date this gag x | |||
"There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ." I said "Come in and sit down." I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?" He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."" Lol | |||
"There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ." I said "Come in and sit down." I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?" He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before." Lol "Good one!!! Like it!! | |||
"There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ." I said "Come in and sit down." I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?" He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before." Would someone please carbon date this gag x" Apologies if I offended you..I did not mean to! | |||
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"There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ." I said "Come in and sit down." I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?" He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before." Would someone please carbon date this gag x Apologies if I offended you..I did not mean to! "C1978? S'ok, we'll survive xx | |||
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" Man and wife are out shopping together. Wife sees some shoes she wants but her husband says, "No way! They're way to expensive." Later that nite in bed he lays a hand on his wifes pussy, She says, "I don't fucking think so mate! If you can't afford to shoe the horse, then you ain't fucking riding it!!!"" | |||
"Arsenal manager arsene wenger was so annoyed with his teams performance the other Night he stormed off down the tunnel saying he just needed some space. They found him in the trophy room" | |||
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"Man rolls over in bed and grins at his wife - she says Not tonight i`ve got gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and i want to stay clean. Man rolls over and feeling rejected. After 5 min he rolls back over and asks `do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow ?" thats even made me smile xx | |||
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"Marriage is like a deck of cards, in the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond, by the end you`ll wish you had a fuckin club and a spade !" ooooooooooo is that right , lol | |||
"Marriage is like a deck of cards, in the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond, by the end you`ll wish you had a fuckin club and a spade ! ooooooooooo is that right , lol "iam afraid so lol xx | |||
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"A man invites his mate back home for dinner. His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking! What the f**k did you invite him round for?" "’Cos he's thinking of getting married." "Pmsl | |||
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"Son phones his dad that's recently gone into a nursing home. Son asks,hey dad how are you getting on in there? Dad says it's bloody marvellous in here son, Yesterday the nurse was bathing me and I got a boner and she just sucked me off without battering an eye lid. Son says that's fantastic dad!... I'll phone you next week. The following week the son phones to see how the old boy is doing. He says, son it's awful I wanna go home! Why asks the son. Old boy says I fell down yesterday and a young male nurse scuttled me from behind! Son replies well I guess you gotta take the rough with the smooth dad. Old boy says that wouldn't be so bad son, but I only get a boner once a month but I fall down at least four times a day "Lol | |||
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"Oldie but goodie! MAN OF THE HOUSE A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."" Haha | |||
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