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The truth about polyamory
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Things that no one tells you about being poly;
You need lots of underwear to leave at your different partners houses.
What else are the things that no one tells you about being poly? "
Toothbrushes too |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Things that no one tells you about being poly;
You need lots of underwear to leave at your different partners houses.
What else are the things that no one tells you about being poly?
Toothbrushes too "
Agreed.
Also, when you want ‘that outfit’ you never know where it might be |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Things that no one tells you about being poly;
You need lots of underwear to leave at your different partners houses.
What else are the things that no one tells you about being poly?
Toothbrushes too
Agreed.
Also, when you want ‘that outfit’ you never know where it might be"
But that’s also a nice surprise. Oh, I left that outfit that theirs! or it’s a [name of partner]’s special outfit now. I do quite like that at times.  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
If you don't want to see a cock pic? It's because you're not really poly.
I didn't know this until it was pointed out to me. Thank fuck, I'd been deluding myself I was poly.
You really need to be on top of being organised. Or date those who are. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Nobody tells you that you need to have your underwear, toothbrush and your condoms in your work bag because you’re not ready to leave them at everyone’s house yet. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Nobody tells you that all the bloody dating apps let you state that you’re poly/ non monogamous but don’t let you filter out the fucking monogamous people so you keep having to scroll through their profiles  |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Also nobody tells you that it can hurt a lot. Because there’s lots of possible heartbreak in a lifetime even if you have a nesting partner for life. "
Yes! Multiple connections means multiple endings |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"NRE is wonderful but... don't let things slide with those you're already seeing. It's easy to get carried away, to be intoxicated by NRE but try and do it mindfully."
Also NRE be confusing as fuck because I’ll be like ‘I think I’m falling in love wow’ and then a week later I’ll be like ‘eurgh I think I’ve just got the ick’. 
NRE can lull you into thinking you’re further along with a person than you are. So yes be mindful of what’s real and what’s not |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Also nobody tells you that it can hurt a lot. Because there’s lots of possible heartbreak in a lifetime even if you have a nesting partner for life.
Yes! Multiple connections means multiple endings"
 |
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"Things that no one tells you about being poly;
You need lots of underwear to leave at your different partners houses.
What else are the things that no one tells you about being poly?
Toothbrushes too "
And contact lenses and solution
Oh and to have a hairbrush permanently living in your bag |
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"Surely the easy answer is to just have them always come to your place. Problem solved!
You only need normal amounts of stuff, all in once place.
Think smarter, not harder.
"
Oh my god, what an absolute genius!  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"NRE is wonderful but... don't let things slide with those you're already seeing. It's easy to get carried away, to be intoxicated by NRE but try and do it mindfully.
Also NRE be confusing as fuck because I’ll be like ‘I think I’m falling in love wow’ and then a week later I’ll be like ‘eurgh I think I’ve just got the ick’.
NRE can lull you into thinking you’re further along with a person than you are. So yes be mindful of what’s real and what’s not "
Yes! Why does that happen? It's enough that we've got to have good calendars, spend more money and potentially have more hurt. Add in getting the ick after the NRE wears off and it's a wonder why anyone is poly. |
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"Surely the easy answer is to just have them always come to your place. Problem solved!
You only need normal amounts of stuff, all in once place.
Think smarter, not harder.
"
But then you have to put the loo seat down. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Calender management if your in kitchen table poly to ensure you don't double book "
Time management, no matter which type of polyamory you partake in, has to be a strength. As does communication. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some mono people feel poly people cannot possibly have deep connections. I’ve never had a monogamous relationship in my life. I’ve never lacked depth and intimacy with any connections. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"NRE is wonderful but... don't let things slide with those you're already seeing. It's easy to get carried away, to be intoxicated by NRE but try and do it mindfully.
NRE.? "
New
Relationship
Energy |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
Only a small subset of people can actually be poly. Many attempt it to discover that like the overwhelming number of people in society, it's not for them.
I think most of us are hard wired (myself included) to only have the capacity for one deep and significant emotional investment at a time. I think this is central to the concept of the traditional family unit. Rightly so as well, as I doubt a mostly poly society would be a functional or stable one. |
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"Things that no one tells you about being poly;
You need lots of underwear to leave at your different partners houses.
What else are the things that no one tells you about being poly? "
The getting of birthdays wrong.....  |
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"NRE is wonderful but... don't let things slide with those you're already seeing. It's easy to get carried away, to be intoxicated by NRE but try and do it mindfully.
NRE.?
New
Relationship
Energy "
Well every days a school day.
Is that a bit like NGCE when I buy a new set of golf clubs? But then realise I am just as crap with the new ones as I was with the old ones? |
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"monogamous people think you’re just cheating.
"
I don't but I do think that there is a great deal of delusion surrounding many 'claims' of polyamory that I witness periodically.
Some call themselves poly whilst simply not committing to one 'partner' and shagging around. That doesn't constitute polyamory unless it's changed radically. |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
It makes you question the person you really are even if you don't want to.
You have to communicate things that you would sometimes hide away in the dark corners of your mind.
It makes you rethink what a happy future may look like. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships? "
It varies so much, like in a monogamous relationship.
Sometimes people really aren't poly and just want to focus on one person emotionally and fuck around with others.
I've learnt that honesty and clear communication results in me not feeling any. I can feel happy for my partner(s) enjoying themselves, that new energy that comes about and the evident happiness that springs forth. Someone's happiness, their other dynamics/relationships doesn't affect me until it does. It doesn't make me lesser because someone is enjoying spending time with another person, doesn't dilute our relationship. Until it does.
I don't really feel jealousy but I can definitely feel insecure - like if someone tells me the situation is x and then I later discover it's y. Like being told nothing has changed, someone is just a friend until you find out a few days later that it's not true.
I don't understand lying and I think in poly dynamics it shouldn't really be there. Another thing I've learnt? It's possible to be cheated on during a poly relationship. You wouldn't think it would be but sadly it happens.
Now I know the behaviour that results in my insecurity coming out to play. My insecurities aren't pleasant, I know where it stems from so I'm actively avoiding that and establishing open and honest communication as very important to me from the beginning. I don't want those feelings of insecurity to appear in future relationships and I truly believe that if approached with kindness, trust and respect for each other, they don't. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships? "
Talking, lots of talking. Jealousy and insecurities are usually a symptom that needs aren’t being met, so you need to understand yourself and what you want, then be able to communicate that effectively with your partner |
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A nesting partner is not always a primary partner.
People's needs around structure and spontaneity vary.
People's needs for communication vary.
Relationships tend to settle into harmony over time. But as you are shifting your time between partners there's qualitative transitions. It can disturb your self-concept, or make your realise its fluidity. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships?
It varies so much, like in a monogamous relationship.
Sometimes people really aren't poly and just want to focus on one person emotionally and fuck around with others.
I've learnt that honesty and clear communication results in me not feeling any. I can feel happy for my partner(s) enjoying themselves, that new energy that comes about and the evident happiness that springs forth. Someone's happiness, their other dynamics/relationships doesn't affect me until it does. It doesn't make me lesser because someone is enjoying spending time with another person, doesn't dilute our relationship. Until it does.
I don't really feel jealousy but I can definitely feel insecure - like if someone tells me the situation is x and then I later discover it's y. Like being told nothing has changed, someone is just a friend until you find out a few days later that it's not true.
I don't understand lying and I think in poly dynamics it shouldn't really be there. Another thing I've learnt? It's possible to be cheated on during a poly relationship. You wouldn't think it would be but sadly it happens.
Now I know the behaviour that results in my insecurity coming out to play. My insecurities aren't pleasant, I know where it stems from so I'm actively avoiding that and establishing open and honest communication as very important to me from the beginning. I don't want those feelings of insecurity to appear in future relationships and I truly believe that if approached with kindness, trust and respect for each other, they don't."
And how would it work if one of you wanted to make things monogamous and the other didn’t? Would that bring it to an end?
Basically it sounds like being decent to everyone is the way to make it work and not long one person off in favour of another? |
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"Surely the easy answer is to just have them always come to your place. Problem solved!
You only need normal amounts of stuff, all in once place.
Think smarter, not harder.
"
Right, but then that means whoever is visiting you needs those things at your place so the comment is still relevant. |
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"Only a small subset of people can actually be poly. Many attempt it to discover that like the overwhelming number of people in society, it's not for them.
I think most of us are hard wired (myself included) to only have the capacity for one deep and significant emotional investment at a time. I think this is central to the concept of the traditional family unit. Rightly so as well, as I doubt a mostly poly society would be a functional or stable one."
The traditional family unit is rare these days. When it is functional, it is the best thing for the family and probably society. The problem is these days it's just not happening and a badly functioning family unit I believe is worse than the so called broken marriage. This was certainly true in my case. My marriage was not fulfilling me at all. I was so much happier as a single mum and my kids were too. Dating though as a single mum is hard so I just stayed celibate until they grew up. I wouldn't have survived without having a bedroom far from the kids bedroom and a wonderful vibrator |
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"Only a small subset of people can actually be poly. Many attempt it to discover that like the overwhelming number of people in society, it's not for them.
I think most of us are hard wired (myself included) to only have the capacity for one deep and significant emotional investment at a time. I think this is central to the concept of the traditional family unit. Rightly so as well, as I doubt a mostly poly society would be a functional or stable one.
The traditional family unit is rare these days. When it is functional, it is the best thing for the family and probably society. The problem is these days it's just not happening and a badly functioning family unit I believe is worse than the so called broken marriage. This was certainly true in my case. My marriage was not fulfilling me at all. I was so much happier as a single mum and my kids were too. Dating though as a single mum is hard so I just stayed celibate until they grew up. I wouldn't have survived without having a bedroom far from the kids bedroom and a wonderful vibrator "
Do you really believe it is rare? I don't. |
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That a lot of people will presume your relationships aren't "serious", that it's just a phase and one day you'll grow up and want to settle down in mono land like a real adult
That even people who do accept that your relationships are "real", will likely presume you operate on a hierarchical basis and fixate on this as the only valid poly relationship structure.
That people will seemingly never tire of asking you who your favourite is |
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"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships? "
Open communication. Not making either a taboo subject.
I think that applies universally for me. If it feels like I or a partner can't be vulnerable and share thoughts or feelings then it slowly poisons the well.
'holding out' to quote an old partner. |
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"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships? "
You don't keep them out. You embrace them, examine them, support each other through them, develop and grow emotionally together. |
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"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships?
Compersion and communication. "
•
I was actually going to ask this as well (but was too afraid to ask): does compersion play a pivotal role when it comes to 'successful' polyamory?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships?
Compersion and communication.
•
I was actually going to ask this as well (but was too afraid to ask): does compersion play a pivotal role when it comes to 'successful' polyamory? "
She does. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships?
Compersion and communication.
•
I was actually going to ask this as well (but was too afraid to ask): does compersion play a pivotal role when it comes to 'successful' polyamory?
She does. "
Seriously though, yes I think it does for me. I am happy for all of my partners when they are happy and when they find happiness.
I think if I felt other things about my partners being with other people or doing other things I’d want them to be positive or else I’d think I’m not really doing poly well. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships?
Compersion and communication.
What is compersion?"
I understand it as the happiness you feel for your partner being happy with others. |
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"
I was actually going to ask this as well (but was too afraid to ask): does compersion play a pivotal role when it comes to 'successful' polyamory? "
There's no single right way to do poly. Compersion is lovely, but it's not essential. You can feel neutral or even indifferent about your partner's other connections and that is perfectly valid. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
I was actually going to ask this as well (but was too afraid to ask): does compersion play a pivotal role when it comes to 'successful' polyamory?
There's no single right way to do poly. Compersion is lovely, but it's not essential. You can feel neutral or even indifferent about your partner's other connections and that is perfectly valid."
That’s v true. |
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I've googled a definition because I wanted to check I'd got it right...
Compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others. It is the sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when their positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly. Thus, compersion can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness.
J |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
"Only a small subset of people can actually be poly. Many attempt it to discover that like the overwhelming number of people in society, it's not for them.
I think most of us are hard wired (myself included) to only have the capacity for one deep and significant emotional investment at a time. I think this is central to the concept of the traditional family unit. Rightly so as well, as I doubt a mostly poly society would be a functional or stable one.
The traditional family unit is rare these days. When it is functional, it is the best thing for the family and probably society. The problem is these days it's just not happening and a badly functioning family unit I believe is worse than the so called broken marriage. This was certainly true in my case. My marriage was not fulfilling me at all. I was so much happier as a single mum and my kids were too. Dating though as a single mum is hard so I just stayed celibate until they grew up. I wouldn't have survived without having a bedroom far from the kids bedroom and a wonderful vibrator
Do you really believe it is rare? I don't. "
I don't either. It doesn't have the same expression as say, 2 generations ago bit continues to be the norm most strive for. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships?
Compersion and communication.
What is compersion?
Feeling happiness when someone you love is happy.
J"
How did I get through 41 years without hearing this word |
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"Surely the easy answer is to just have them always come to your place. Problem solved!
You only need normal amounts of stuff, all in once place.
Think smarter, not harder.
"
Lol I like your thinking |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships?
Compersion and communication.
What is compersion?
Feeling happiness when someone you love is happy.
J
How did I get through 41 years without hearing this word "
You joined fab a year too late. There used to be a fabber called compersion. That’s where I first heard it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I've googled a definition because I wanted to check I'd got it right...
Compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others. It is the sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when their positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly. Thus, compersion can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness.
J"
Ooh so like being happy when your mate wins the bingo or your kids have a good day? |
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By *aizyWoman
over a year ago
west midlands |
"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships?
Compersion and communication.
What is compersion?
Feeling happiness when someone you love is happy.
J
How did I get through 41 years without hearing this word "
46 years and its the first time I've heard it! |
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"I've googled a definition because I wanted to check I'd got it right...
Compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others. It is the sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when their positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly. Thus, compersion can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness.
J
Ooh so like being happy when your mate wins the bingo or your kids have a good day?"
Exactly like that. It's just weirdly harder when it's your special sexy person. I don't know if that's natural or societal though.
J |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships?
....I don't want those feelings of insecurity to appear in future relationships and I truly believe that if approached with kindness, trust and respect for each other, they don't.
And how would it work if one of you wanted to make things monogamous and the other didn’t? Would that bring it to an end?
Basically it sounds like being decent to everyone is the way to make it work and not long one person off in favour of another?"
Being decent is the bare minimum. It should be in any relationship, monogamous or poly.
"If it feels like I or a partner can't be vulnerable and share thoughts or feelings then it slowly poisons the well."
I really liked this from Hans above and it very much aligns with my views and what I've learnt about myself and my approach to things.
I think there's this ideal that poly is held to that isn't quite there with monogamy. You have to get along with your metamours or you're not poly. You have to be happy/feel compersion with hearing/seeing about them having sex with/dating others for it to be valid. No. There's not one true way of being poly. If you're constantly feeling negativity towards it? That's not great and should be discussed openly with the other person, there should be a space for that discussion to be held whilst you look at why that is.
I think relationships are transient, they fluctuate, whether it's from becoming more settled or another person being part of someone's life. As long as there's that solid healthy communication both ways (which involves listening more than talking sometimes!) it can work.
Sometimes poly dynamics don't work, people fall out of love, it's not healthy etc. That's fine. It happens. In my mind I'd like to think that the friendship is different and can weather changes to what it is without losing that. |
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"Surely the easy answer is to just have them always come to your place. Problem solved!
You only need normal amounts of stuff, all in once place.
Think smarter, not harder.
Right, but then that means whoever is visiting you needs those things at your place so the comment is still relevant. "
Plus polys must save a fortune on energy bill |
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"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships?
Compersion and communication.
What is compersion?
Feeling happiness when someone you love is happy.
J
How did I get through 41 years without hearing this word "
It's a relatively new term that originates from within the poly community.
New to English language. I used to used the term Mudita. My partner and I struggled endlessly to find a word we had for the feeling.
I would say it is the antithesis to jealousy in a way. Following the threads of our jealousy openly together is what led to the prominece of that feeling.
Like someone said above you can grow emotionally together. It's a beautiful thing. Well to me anyway.
|
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"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships?
Compersion and communication.
What is compersion?
Feeling happiness when someone you love is happy.
J
·
How did I get through 41 years without hearing this word "
•
Well, Tunbridge Hells is quite rural 'Hicksville' and isolated.  |
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"How do you poly crew keep the jealousy and insecurity out of your relationships?
You don't keep them out. You embrace them, examine them, support each other through them, develop and grow emotionally together. "
This is beautifully said! I struggle a lot with jealousy myself but it's all learning curve! |
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"I've googled a definition because I wanted to check I'd got it right...
Compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others. It is the sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when their positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly. Thus, compersion can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness.
J"
It's so nice when I get that feeling and not the jealous feelings! It does comes after a lot of communication and love. |
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"Surely the easy answer is to just have them always come to your place. Problem solved!
You only need normal amounts of stuff, all in once place.
Think smarter, not harder.
"
This is the way. I like to sleep in peace anyway so rarely do sleepovers. But when I do it's my favourite person visiting me or a hotel so I don't have to leave anything  |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Surely the easy answer is to just have them always come to your place. Problem solved!
You only need normal amounts of stuff, all in once place.
Think smarter, not harder.
Right, but then that means whoever is visiting you needs those things at your place so the comment is still relevant.
Plus polys must save a fortune on energy bill"
The extra money goes on dates |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
"Surely the easy answer is to just have them always come to your place. Problem solved!
You only need normal amounts of stuff, all in once place.
Think smarter, not harder.
Right, but then that means whoever is visiting you needs those things at your place so the comment is still relevant.
Plus polys must save a fortune on energy bill"
Save on fuel and travel expenses. Also depending on how often they are over, charge some rent and living expenses.
As for their stuff, just buy multiple chests, put a name label on it and shove all their stuff in that one place. Like a locker or pigeon hole from school. |
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"With all jokes aside I have to say this is one of the best threads in a long while.
I've learnt a lot.
Thank you TM.  "
Oh yes definitely loved reading down the thread as it's full of funny and lovely replies! |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
Just thought of another , you have to make some sacrifices on other areas
It’s just not possible to have multiple partners and give all other areas like friends, career, health , family, hobbies the kind of attention they really need.
often poly people do bad in multiple other areas through relationship addiction
|
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"Just thought of another , you have to make some sacrifices on other areas
It’s just not possible to have multiple partners and give all other areas like friends, career, health , family, hobbies the kind of attention they really need.
often poly people do bad in multiple other areas through relationship addiction
"
Whereas monogamous people are always capable of giving their all to all of friends, career, health , family, and hobbies?
Having multiple partners does not translate as addiction. |
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By *opinovMan
over a year ago
Point Nemo, Cumbria |
"With all jokes aside I have to say this is one of the best threads in a long while.
I've learnt a lot.
Thank you TM.
Oh yes definitely loved reading down the thread as it's full of funny and lovely replies! "
Me too - a really interesting, educational and heartening topic... much food for thought here. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"Just thought of another , you have to make some sacrifices on other areas
It’s just not possible to have multiple partners and give all other areas like friends, career, health , family, hobbies the kind of attention they really need.
often poly people do bad in multiple other areas through relationship addiction
Whereas monogamous people are always capable of giving their all to all of friends, career, health , family, and hobbies?
Having multiple partners does not translate as addiction."
Exactly…. It’s Hard enough with one partner for most people especially if they have full time work, family etc
If you have multiple something has to give .
It’s just a reality |
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By *ookie46Woman
over a year ago
Deepest darkest Peru |
"With all jokes aside I have to say this is one of the best threads in a long while.
I've learnt a lot.
Thank you TM.
Oh yes definitely loved reading down the thread as it's full of funny and lovely replies!
Me too - a really interesting, educational and heartening topic... much food for thought here."
It’s been a good and interesting read |
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"Just thought of another , you have to make some sacrifices on other areas
It’s just not possible to have multiple partners and give all other areas like friends, career, health , family, hobbies the kind of attention they really need.
often poly people do bad in multiple other areas through relationship addiction
Whereas monogamous people are always capable of giving their all to all of friends, career, health , family, and hobbies?
Having multiple partners does not translate as addiction.
Exactly…. It’s Hard enough with one partner for most people especially if they have full time work, family etc
If you have multiple something has to give .
It’s just a reality "
Are you speaking from personal experience here?
My own limited experience of being part of a poly couples life for a year doesn't tally with what your saying.
It makes sense to me that people who spend their time challenging themselves to communicate better and evolve their emotional intelligence beyond base level emotions might very well be better at nurturing in general.
Poly folk are also simply humans in the world and fallible like everyone else. |
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How people have the time, resources and energy to build and maintain multiple intimate relationships and manage all the other practicalities of life...friends, family, jobs, kids, hobbies, time just for you |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"Just thought of another , you have to make some sacrifices on other areas
It’s just not possible to have multiple partners and give all other areas like friends, career, health , family, hobbies the kind of attention they really need.
often poly people do bad in multiple other areas through relationship addiction
Whereas monogamous people are always capable of giving their all to all of friends, career, health , family, and hobbies?
Having multiple partners does not translate as addiction.
Exactly…. It’s Hard enough with one partner for most people especially if they have full time work, family etc
If you have multiple something has to give .
It’s just a reality
Are you speaking from personal experience here?
My own limited experience of being part of a poly couples life for a year doesn't tally with what your saying.
It makes sense to me that people who spend their time challenging themselves to communicate better and evolve their emotional intelligence beyond base level emotions might very well be better at nurturing in general.
Poly folk are also simply humans in the world and fallible like everyone else."
I’m taking about quantity of serious romantic relationships and all that entrails practically plus all life’s other responsibilities.
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"How people have the time, resources and energy to build and maintain multiple intimate relationships and manage all the other practicalities of life...friends, family, jobs, kids, hobbies, time just for you "
Exactly that yes. It’s a choice to prioritise multiple romantic relationships , other people choose a marriage, career or community etc it’s not a dig, it’s reality |
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This has been a really interesting thread that has made me think lots of thoughts
I love my husband, kids and family. The love I have for any one of them doesn't diminish the love I have for another. So it feels that in principle I have the potential to be poly. But it doesn't feel like I would have enough time to commit to someone else. Not fairly anyway.
J |
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"Only a small subset of people can actually be poly. Many attempt it to discover that like the overwhelming number of people in society, it's not for them.
I think most of us are hard wired (myself included) to only have the capacity for one deep and significant emotional investment at a time. I think this is central to the concept of the traditional family unit. Rightly so as well, as I doubt a mostly poly society would be a functional or stable one.
The traditional family unit is rare these days. When it is functional, it is the best thing for the family and probably society. The problem is these days it's just not happening and a badly functioning family unit I believe is worse than the so called broken marriage. This was certainly true in my case. My marriage was not fulfilling me at all. I was so much happier as a single mum and my kids were too. Dating though as a single mum is hard so I just stayed celibate until they grew up. I wouldn't have survived without having a bedroom far from the kids bedroom and a wonderful vibrator
Do you really believe it is rare? I don't. "
These days yes. I know very few people under 50 who aren't divorced at least once. |
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"I’m taking about quantity of serious romantic relationships and all that entrails practically plus all life’s other responsibilities."
I think that has less to do with poly and more to do with the people involved.
I've had monogamous relationships that left me too exhausted to deal with hobbies or friends or family all by themselves. I'm glad to he well away from living like that.
And doesn't everyone shift the priorities according to the reality? Right now work is killing me, so I'm having less time I'm willing to spend with family and focusing more on the people and activities that actually bring me joy.
Sometimes I'll drop a social or hobby engagement to do something with one of my partners. Sometimes family need me more and I have to pretty much drop everything I would enjoy because regardless of whether I like them or not, family is important. Sometimes I just need some me time and take a few hermit days to not deal with any of those things at all.
Nobody, but nobody, is ever running at 100% in all of friends, family, relationships, work, and hobbies. For more than the maximum 4 seconds that they may all be absolutely harmonious, at least. |
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"This has been a really interesting thread that has made me think lots of thoughts
I love my husband, kids and family. The love I have for any one of them doesn't diminish the love I have for another. So it feels that in principle I have the potential to be poly. But it doesn't feel like I would have enough time to commit to someone else. Not fairly anyway.
J"
B and I have just had an interesting conversation about all this. How it's much more unusual for a family relationship to end. How family NRE (eg kids being born) and grieving are done together. That it would be much harder to navigate that for a partner's relationship (not impossible but harder).
J |
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"How people have the time, resources and energy to build and maintain multiple intimate relationships and manage all the other practicalities of life...friends, family, jobs, kids, hobbies, time just for you
Exactly that yes. It’s a choice to prioritise multiple romantic relationships , other people choose a marriage, career or community etc it’s not a dig, it’s reality "
I agree with your fundamental point that time is finite.
I had what were very poly orientated relationships, although we didn't use that terminology. Then I nested with someone had children. There was a brief attempt at having two partners live with me, before we had kids. Fucking disaster. When we had kids, certainly the early years: we barely had time for each other, let alone anyone else. The weekends we got babysitters we pounced on each other then felt guilty for abandoning the kids.
Now there is an argument that society is setup with a mono bias. If you talk to people who have lived on communes, those social structures can be more poly accommodating. So I'd say there's scope for social change, but that's never fast.
And it's not just NRE people get ill, have accidents, become carers. Life throws curve balls. All of that has to be managed too. Unless you just abandon relationships that aren't fun. That's not for me, like you say responsibilities.
You have a point, in my opinion. There are sacrifices due to pragmatic factors. |
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"Things that no one tells you about being poly;
You need lots of underwear to leave at your different partners houses.
What else are the things that no one tells you about being poly? "
Hey there's only one pair of pants of yours at mine right now! Rude.
No one tells you that you WILL have to ask which Toothbrush is each partners because you WILL forget.
Also no one tells you the amount of jargon you have to learn. Gah. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Things that no one tells you about being poly;
You need lots of underwear to leave at your different partners houses.
What else are the things that no one tells you about being poly?
Hey there's only one pair of pants of yours at mine right now! Rude.
No one tells you that you WILL have to ask which Toothbrush is each partners because you WILL forget.
Also no one tells you the amount of jargon you have to learn. Gah. "
That’s because I don’t have enough at home! I need a second job to pay for all of the clothes I need to leave |
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"Only a small subset of people can actually be poly. Many attempt it to discover that like the overwhelming number of people in society, it's not for them.
I think most of us are hard wired (myself included) to only have the capacity for one deep and significant emotional investment at a time. I think this is central to the concept of the traditional family unit. Rightly so as well, as I doubt a mostly poly society would be a functional or stable one.
The traditional family unit is rare these days. When it is functional, it is the best thing for the family and probably society. The problem is these days it's just not happening and a badly functioning family unit I believe is worse than the so called broken marriage. This was certainly true in my case. My marriage was not fulfilling me at all. I was so much happier as a single mum and my kids were too. Dating though as a single mum is hard so I just stayed celibate until they grew up. I wouldn't have survived without having a bedroom far from the kids bedroom and a wonderful vibrator
Do you really believe it is rare? I don't. "
Of course it isn’t |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"I’m taking about quantity of serious romantic relationships and all that entrails practically plus all life’s other responsibilities.
I think that has less to do with poly and more to do with the people involved.
I've had monogamous relationships that left me too exhausted to deal with hobbies or friends or family all by themselves. I'm glad to he well away from living like that.
And doesn't everyone shift the priorities according to the reality? Right now work is killing me, so I'm having less time I'm willing to spend with family and focusing more on the people and activities that actually bring me joy.
Sometimes I'll drop a social or hobby engagement to do something with one of my partners. Sometimes family need me more and I have to pretty much drop everything I would enjoy because regardless of whether I like them or not, family is important. Sometimes I just need some me time and take a few hermit days to not deal with any of those things at all.
Nobody, but nobody, is ever running at 100% in all of friends, family, relationships, work, and hobbies. For more than the maximum 4 seconds that they may all be absolutely harmonious, at least."
Yeah I think you’re right it is to do with the people involved to a large degree and peoples interpretation of poly.
I think I have good capacity to be poly because I can almost always choose the depth of feeling I have for people, compartmentalise well and enjoy multiple partners. But I can’t be messaging multiple partners constantly I need to completely detach. Some poly people I’ve met dont like this and feel hurt
And then on very rare occasion I want to give someone everything I have so I question if I’m poly at all |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
So for me, a big thing about being poly is the ability to have feelings for more than one person at a time. If I wanted to have sex with lots of people, stay friends but nothing more, I'd say I'm not poly. There seems to be a trend within the community for people to use the term when really ENM would suit them better (albeit the ethical part comes in to play if you cheat). Someone who has lots of fuckbuddies, has a slut phase but is emotionally monogamous isn't poly. That's not how it works.
I think sometimes people mistakenly think that being poly means someone wants all of their attention and time. That the time management isn't feasible because everyone needs to be getting 100% of you all the time. It is more than possible to have a successful career, a loving and loved family and also have poly relationships.
I don't think the poly people I know, myself included, want or expect that level of sole focus. I do know that having honest and open communication is vital. That level of trust needs for it work can easily be affected, even more so if there are several people involved.
I met someone's erm other person recently. Do I think you need to? No. You can be happy without meeting them. Which kind of leads on to...
As far as compersion goes? It's something that happens over time. You are not a bad person if you don't feel it immediately every single time. You're human. I really doubted if I was poly when I was told I should be joyful at seeing a not consented to penis picture that was caused by another. Nope. That's fine. You don't have to push for compersion.
I think having boundaries, that listening and talking is really important. It's about respect, a desire to be open and grow a relationship. All romantic relationships, whether poly or mono deserve that space to be open with each other. To let someone in and let someone see all of you.
I've learnt a lot along my poly journey. The OP will probably remember the early days of me questioning if I was poly when a dear friend told me he loved me and I thought. Gosh. Maybe I do have feelings for him in more than I'm obsessed with his V. Am I an awful person? Will I find other weirdos like me?
And I have. I've discovered a lot about myself, about others. Cherished my time with people, laughed a lot. I've also cried. Doubted myself. I told myself several times I was done with relationships outside my fiancé. I've experienced a lot. The highs and the lows.
Polyamory isn't easy. People are fucking complex, peculiar things. Myself included. It's kind of worth it though. |
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"So for me, a big thing about being poly is the ability to have feelings for more than one person at a time. If I wanted to have sex with lots of people, stay friends but nothing more, I'd say I'm not poly. There seems to be a trend within the community for people to use the term when really ENM would suit them better (albeit the ethical part comes in to play if you cheat). Someone who has lots of fuckbuddies, has a slut phase but is emotionally monogamous isn't poly. That's not how it works.
I think sometimes people mistakenly think that being poly means someone wants all of their attention and time. That the time management isn't feasible because everyone needs to be getting 100% of you all the time. It is more than possible to have a successful career, a loving and loved family and also have poly relationships.
I don't think the poly people I know, myself included, want or expect that level of sole focus. I do know that having honest and open communication is vital. That level of trust needs for it work can easily be affected, even more so if there are several people involved.
I met someone's erm other person recently. Do I think you need to? No. You can be happy without meeting them. Which kind of leads on to...
As far as compersion goes? It's something that happens over time. You are not a bad person if you don't feel it immediately every single time. You're human. I really doubted if I was poly when I was told I should be joyful at seeing a not consented to penis picture that was caused by another. Nope. That's fine. You don't have to push for compersion.
I think having boundaries, that listening and talking is really important. It's about respect, a desire to be open and grow a relationship. All romantic relationships, whether poly or mono deserve that space to be open with each other. To let someone in and let someone see all of you.
I've learnt a lot along my poly journey. The OP will probably remember the early days of me questioning if I was poly when a dear friend told me he loved me and I thought. Gosh. Maybe I do have feelings for him in more than I'm obsessed with his V. Am I an awful person? Will I find other weirdos like me?
And I have. I've discovered a lot about myself, about others. Cherished my time with people, laughed a lot. I've also cried. Doubted myself. I told myself several times I was done with relationships outside my fiancé. I've experienced a lot. The highs and the lows.
Polyamory isn't easy. People are fucking complex, peculiar things. Myself included. It's kind of worth it though."
Cheers Meli. That was a good read. |
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