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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Can you be just friends or Fwb with someone when you have the feels and the love bug and it’s not reciprocated.
Or you don’t feel the same way about someone as they do you and they still want to be friends.
And relating it to Fab or Swinging - can you be a FB or FWB with someone that gets all loved up before you do?
Swinging is mostly about shutting down your emotional attachment and NSA for the most of it. Or at least that’s what I’ve mostly seen and experienced. So it shouldn’t be that hard should it? Or is it more difficult than that?
I’m going to sit on my sofa….alone, and cuddle my cusion as I to miss these type of conversations with myself.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Just to add. How many of you here have been like me when you split from a wife or long term GF or BF and said. We can still be friends, and that didn’t work out? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When we say (to ourselves) we can remain friends with someone we were in love with, I think what we really mean to say is I’m grieving and I want to stay with this dying love until the lady flicker of life leaves it. To know I was there at the end. But goodbye isn’t goodbye until you get up and leave the cold body.
Ok maybe I need a holiday. |
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"Just to add. How many of you here have been like me when you split from a wife or long term GF or BF and said. We can still be friends, and that didn’t work out? "
I stayed close friends with my ex husband for around seven years, until he met his next life partner, then we naturally let each other go. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When we say (to ourselves) we can remain friends with someone we were in love with, I think what we really mean to say is I’m grieving and I want to stay with this dying love until the lady flicker of life leaves it. To know I was there at the end. But goodbye isn’t goodbye until you get up and leave the cold body.
Ok maybe I need a holiday. "
* last |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"When we say (to ourselves) we can remain friends with someone we were in love with, I think what we really mean to say is I’m grieving and I want to stay with this dying love until the lady flicker of life leaves it. To know I was there at the end. But goodbye isn’t goodbye until you get up and leave the cold body.
Ok maybe I need a holiday.
* last "
Yeh, for me I think there was an exact moment when the Penny dropped. (Or the flame went out) actually, I remember many, but I think I was hopeful that they wouldn’t have mattered in the long run.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When we say (to ourselves) we can remain friends with someone we were in love with, I think what we really mean to say is I’m grieving and I want to stay with this dying love until the lady flicker of life leaves it. To know I was there at the end. But goodbye isn’t goodbye until you get up and leave the cold body.
Ok maybe I need a holiday.
* last
Yeh, for me I think there was an exact moment when the Penny dropped. (Or the flame went out) actually, I remember many, but I think I was hopeful that they wouldn’t have mattered in the long run.
"
It always hurts. Be kind to yourself. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
This is where being poly and having friends that are either poly adjacent or ENM is very helpful; there’s no shutting down of emotions and everything is open to discussion.
Sex will always bring up emotions and feelings of attachment, strong connections and repeat meets will only exacerbate them. To think that we can simply shut off what we’re feeling is a bit shortsighted really and for many people it isn’t possible
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Is that what swinging is?
Sounds like an airplane lasagne and a single serving screw top Chilean merlot. I'd need a stiff gin after that oh Gordons in a plastic beaker. Joy. Lime? No of course not, silly of me.
I can only speak for myself. I don't have friends I don't love and love me back. Whether we fuck, eat dinner or play miniature-golf.
Someone can always want more than the other person wants to give and that can fluctuate. I've never had a relationship where the fundamental trust and openness it was built upon was maintained, fail.
I don't do FB so I don't know sorry Woody.
I wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with someone who wanted far more than I did and couldn't compromise on that. Whether it was sexual or not. |
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I need the energy to be of a similar level in both directions.
Obviously there's always fluctuations. Ebbs and surges and moods and circumstances.
But if I feel that overall one of us wants it to be something the other doesn't want it to be at all, it's time to call it a day.
However, I still have people I care deeply for, and people that are casual fuck buddies. Both are entirely achievable as long as the dynamic is right and the feelings are compatible with each other. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I need the energy to be of a similar level in both directions.
Obviously there's always fluctuations. Ebbs and surges and moods and circumstances.
But if I feel that overall one of us wants it to be something the other doesn't want it to be at all, it's time to call it a day.
However, I still have people I care deeply for, and people that are casual fuck buddies. Both are entirely achievable as long as the dynamic is right and the feelings are compatible with each other."
This very true.
If both parties want something different then it’s a basic incompatibility. It’s no one’s fault but the incompatibility would preclude the relationship going any further. It’s better to just walk away and find people who can fulfil the needs of both sides.
Trying to make it work or push past the needs of one or the other will only end up causing hurt |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
I think it can very much depend on the connection you have with someone and how much of yourself you have given over.
I think it can be very difficult to navigate to a friendship with clear boundaries from something much deeper. Sometimes giving both parties the space away from eachother helps reduce the initial upset or emotional tie.
Sometimes you need to cut contact completely for a while to give time to heal, process and understand.
I have done this before: had the conversation so everyone understands why space is needed, spent time apart and then naturally come back together as a very good friendship which I'm grateful for |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
"I need the energy to be of a similar level in both directions.
Obviously there's always fluctuations. Ebbs and surges and moods and circumstances.
But if I feel that overall one of us wants it to be something the other doesn't want it to be at all, it's time to call it a day.
However, I still have people I care deeply for, and people that are casual fuck buddies. Both are entirely achievable as long as the dynamic is right and the feelings are compatible with each other.
This very true.
If both parties want something different then it’s a basic incompatibility. It’s no one’s fault but the incompatibility would preclude the relationship going any further. It’s better to just walk away and find people who can fulfil the needs of both sides.
Trying to make it work or push past the needs of one or the other will only end up causing hurt "
This is also very true. Sometimes you have to be the one to make the uncomfortable decisions so everyone can be happier in the long run. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't think I could develop any kind of strong feelings towards someone if I didn't at least perceive it to be reciprocal "
But how do you know? And, so you wait for them 1st?  |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
It doesn’t need to be reciprocated for me, I have a kind of love for most people I have had relationships with on here. It’s not a needy possessive love, more respect, admiration etc loving them for who they are are rather than needing something back.
There is a nice quote about love on someone’s leg here, it says ‘it is not self-seeking’ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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All human beings are built differently so I think it's all very dependant on who you are and your attachment style. I am very, very good at decompartmentalising and I'm quite avoidant when it comes to emotions so for me I could easily switch from feeling crazy intense love to friendship, but that's not very healthy or normal. I think the healthy thing would be to step away entirely from someone if you have strong feelings and they don't feel the same way. Being around some one and wanting to give them love and affection and them not wanting you to or not giving it back would be horrific for someone's self esteem and mental health no matter how much you logically tell yourself it's not about you. |
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Personally if one has the feels and one doesn't for me I'd see it as prolonging the heart ache especially if there's more than friendship involved.
If I knew someone we'd met had feelings for one of us we'd put a stop to meeting it wouldn't be fair on them or us.
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"I don't think I could develop any kind of strong feelings towards someone if I didn't at least perceive it to be reciprocal
But how do you know? And, so you wait for them 1st? "
Oh I just meant that if someone was keeping me at arms length I wouldn't be invested enough to develop any kind of feelings |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Wad hoping for a herbie thread
Ocho!!
I was waiting g for someone to find the reference.
do you remember the Lindsay Lohan one not long ago? "
Beep beep  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't think I could develop any kind of strong feelings towards someone if I didn't at least perceive it to be reciprocal
But how do you know? And, so you wait for them 1st?
Oh I just meant that if someone was keeping me at arms length I wouldn't be invested enough to develop any kind of feelings "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Can you be just friends or Fwb with someone when you have the feels and the love bug and it’s not reciprocated.
Or you don’t feel the same way about someone as they do you and they still want to be friends.
And relating it to Fab or Swinging - can you be a FB or FWB with someone that gets all loved up before you do?
Swinging is mostly about shutting down your emotional attachment and NSA for the most of it. Or at least that’s what I’ve mostly seen and experienced. So it shouldn’t be that hard should it? Or is it more difficult than that?
I’m going to sit on my sofa….alone, and cuddle my cusion as I to miss these type of conversations with myself. "
Answer to first question.. No.
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It's down to the individual woody, are they in tune with their emotions or out of touch with it. Some people are warm loving compassionate people and others are pretty cold
Does a person feel they can not live life without someone, I personally believe life can be done alone, personal goals are easier to achieve that way.
Some may desire a relationship that they can sadly settle for anything which is scary and sad at the same time
Lastly we go through different things at each chapter of our lives so does the heart desire a love or not currently. Some people only stay single for a year or 2 before they end up in a relationship and some stay single a lot longer which can be down to their own choice and they wouldn't experience the love bug because what their heart and mind is set on has nothing to do with love.
A lot of people learn themselves when they are single to be able to know their worth and know what they would settle for hence why some stay in abusive relationships because sadly they don't know their own worth.
Love is beautiful but the right kind of love and it's best a person is single and happy then in a relationship they feel suffocated and unhappy in |
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