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Bad jokes
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Why can't a nose be 12 inches?
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Because then it would be a foot 
Your turn |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A beautiful woman goes into the doctors. The Doctor:please go behind the screen and take all your clothes off.
Woman: where will I put them?
Doctor: on top of mine |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Patient: Doctor Doctor I feel like a needle.
Doctor: Get to the point. |
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Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Pull yourself together then |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Patient: Doctor Doctor I keep stealing chairs.
Doctor: Well take a seat. |
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By *t0600Man
over a year ago
elvedon |
What’s green and goes up and down ? |
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How do you make a kilo of fat attractive? Put a nipple on the end |
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By *ullyMan
over a year ago
Near Clacton |
What’s green and goes up and down
A gooseberry in a lift! |
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What is forrest gumps most commonly used password?
1forrest1
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The reason Cat Stevens didn't release any records for 20 years is because every time they gave him a recording contract he slowly pushed it off the table.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Person 1: did you know that a cheese factory exploded in France?
Person 2: that's horrible
Person 1: it is , Da Brie is everywhere! |
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Why are vampires bad at art?
They are only able to draw blood. |
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'Who is your favourite vampire?'
'The one on Sesame Street.'
'He doesn't count!'
'I can assure you he does!' |
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By *dy-ukTV/TS
over a year ago
Alcester |
[Removed by poster at 16/10/23 18:23:06] |
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By *dy-ukTV/TS
over a year ago
Alcester |
Did you hear about the Irish man who put a condom on backwards and went.... |
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Patient: Doctor, doctor! it hurts when I touch my knee!
Doctor: Hmm. Can you touch your elbow for me?
Patient: Ouch! That hurts as well!
Doctor: Hmmm. Can you touch your nose for me?
Patient: Okay. Ohhh...owww...owww...ouch! Even that hurts. What's wrong with me doctor?
Doctor: You've got a broken finger... |
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What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why can't a nose be 12 inches?
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.
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Because then it would be a foot
Your turn "
Is it bad that I don't think that's bad?  |
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What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a dog with wings?
Linda McCartney  |
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I went to a Robbie Williams concert last night and got sat next to a woman that sells insurance. And through it all she offered me protection |
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"What do you call a dog with wings?
Linda McCartney "
I never quite "got" that joke as she wasn't exactly unattractive.
A related (and equally bad) joke:
Following Paul's divorce Ringo decided to give his good friend a call:
Ringo: Eh, Paul...do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again?
Macca: No...and for fuck's sake I wish you'd call her Heather. |
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By *ez669Man
over a year ago
East Kilbride |
There was two older ladies having tea one morning
Did you come on the bus today one asked the other
Yes she replied but i managed to make it look like an asthma attack ?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge, just in case anyone wants black coffee. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two nuns in a bath.
Nun 1. Where's the soap?
Nun 2. Yes it does, doesn't it? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Next week I shall be dressing as different bread varieties
Roll on monday |
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Why didn't the ghost go to the ball?
He had no body to go with |
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What do vegetarian worms eat ,,, linda mc Cartney
I had a pair of camouflage yfronts ,,, can I find the bloody things??? |
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My lad asked if we we're pyromaniacs.
I said, yes, we arson. |
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Lost my bread knife, I was gutted………….we’ve been through thick and thin. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do donkeys get for lunch at Weston……
Half an hour. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you call a dog with wings?
Linda McCartney
I never quite "got" that joke as she wasn't exactly unattractive.
A related (and equally bad) joke:
Following Paul's divorce Ringo decided to give his good friend a call:
Ringo: Eh, Paul...do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again?
Macca: No...and for fuck's sake I wish you'd call her Heather."
Paul bought Heather a plane for her birthday. He got her a Philip's Ladyshave for the other leg.  |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
[Removed by poster at 20/10/23 12:29:56] |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Liverpool |
You're marriage!
You should be with me! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You're marriage!
You should be with me! "
Que?  |
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A man walked into a bar , it hurt ! |
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By *ndycoinsMan
over a year ago
Whaley Bridge,Nr Buxton, |
The Dalai Lama walked into Pizza Hut and asked them to "make him one with everything" |
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I decided to give up masturbating last week.
I haven't been feeling myself since... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why don't monsters eat ghosts?
Because the taste like sheet.
(Saw that on social media the other day and laughed way too much at it) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sometimes I have sex with my dad in an elevator… it felt wrong on so many levels |
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By *ddie1966Man
over a year ago
Paper Town Central, Essex. |
Did you hear the one about the Irish woodworm?
It was found dead in a brick |
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By *ddie1966Man
over a year ago
Paper Town Central, Essex. |
A woman once said to me "Are you gay?"
I said "No. I can't be arsed" |
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By *ddie1966Man
over a year ago
Paper Town Central, Essex. |
I've been told that lesbian carpenters do amazing tongue and groove work. |
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By *ddie1966Man
over a year ago
Paper Town Central, Essex. |
Doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains!!!
Pull yourself together man!!!! |
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By *ddie1966Man
over a year ago
Paper Town Central, Essex. |
cheque please and call me a taxi..... Quickly!!¡! |
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Patient: Doctor, doctor! I have a massive shit every morning at 8.00.
Doctor: There's nothing wrong with that. It just sounds like a perfectly normal, regular bowel movement. What appears to be the problem?
Patient: I don't wake up until 9.00...
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I only trust people who like big butts.
Apparently, they cannot lie... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Knock Knock
Who's there
I can't see through wall's |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Doctor doctor I think I'm going deaf.
What are the symptoms?
It's a cartoon series with Homer and Bart in it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why did the hedgehog cross the road
Too see his flat mate  |
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Knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock...
Who's there?
Someone with OCD... |
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I have a trannie friend in the north west of England..
...... they have a Wigan address.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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With ur ocd and my spd we'll make a good team |
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By *trideMan
over a year ago
Plymouth |
She went to the doctor’s because she had pain in her crotch when it rained.
He examined her digitally and orally, but could find nothing wrong. So he told her to return when it rained.
When she did, he cut two inches off the tops of her wellington boots.
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"Patient: Doctor, doctor! it hurts when I touch my knee!
Doctor: Hmm. Can you touch your elbow for me?
Patient: Ouch! That hurts as well!
Doctor: Hmmm. Can you touch your nose for me?
Patient: Okay. Ohhh...owww...owww...ouch! Even that hurts. What's wrong with me doctor?
Doctor: You've got a broken finger..."
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"She went to the doctor’s because she had pain in her crotch when it rained.
He examined her digitally and orally, but could find nothing wrong. So he told her to return when it rained.
When she did, he cut two inches off the tops of her wellington boots.
"
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By *xydadbodMan
over a year ago
Milton keynes |
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere. |
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"With ur ocd and my spd we'll make a good team "
Knock, knock, rattle, rattle, tap, tap, ding-dong...
Who's there?
Erm, you apparently?
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees….?
Because they’re really good at hiding! |
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I saw a chameleon yesterday.
So I think it's fair to say it was a pretty shit chameleon. |
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By *ildbillkidMan
over a year ago
where the road goes on forever |
A blind man walked into a department store, picked up his dog and started whirling it around by its leash, the workers hurried over to ask what the man was doing, he said he was just looking around |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between a sewing machine and a female jogger?
A sewing machine only has one bobbin. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have dyslexia and it's urined my life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the Irish man who put a condom on backwards and went.... "
Oi! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My ex girlfriend had a wierd fetish, she used to dress up as herself and act like a bitch all the time |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why did the chicken cross the road...
To get to the other side
Knock knock who is there. DR.who Dr who you just said it
What is black n white and read all over... A newspaper
Why did the orange stop halfway up the hill... It ran out of juice |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you all a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no eye deer.
Are my go to's. Not sure how well they go written down but hay ho. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did the the toaster say to slice of bread?
... I want you inside me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 22/10/23 16:05:10] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"[Removed by poster at 22/10/23 16:05:10]"
Give it to me...
Give it to me... She yelled.
I am so wet, give it to me now. She could scream all she wanted but I was keeping the umbrella |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you do if you're trekking through the jungle and come across a tiger?
Wipe it off and say sorry. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Last one.. How do you make a pool table laugh?...
Tickle its balls |
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I've been reading a book called how to use a ladder......
Its a step by step guide
You've really for to hand it short people.....
Because they usually can't reach it
After a passionate kiss on the sofa she said "let's take this upstair" .....
I said "ok, you grab on end, ill grab the other"
My wizard friend asked me to proof read one of his scrolls....
Well, it was more of a spell check really.
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Patient: Doctor! Sometimes I think that I'm a marquee and the next minute I feel like a wigwam. It's stressing me out
Doctor: The problem is that you're two tents |
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By *inell1Man
over a year ago
Ipswich |
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?? A carrot |
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By *RWoodyCouple
over a year ago
Lincolnshire |
My father was just the greatest. Worked 12 hours a day, day in day out to put food on our table.
Great man.
Really slow cook.
J x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a bloke with a blue dick?
A tight fisted wan*er! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a police man that sits in a tree?
Special Branch.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do you all a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no eye deer.
Are my go to's. Not sure how well they go written down but hay ho."
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?
Still no fucking eye deer. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was?
Then it dawned on me.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 22/10/23 20:56:28] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The Tory party *runs and hides* |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I couldn't believe the highway department called my dad a thief..
But when I got home, the signs were all there. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Saw a man throwing cheese and milk around in tescos the other day!
I thought, how dairy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I put an hawaian pizza in the oven.. when I took it out it was burnt to a cinder..
I shudda put it on alloha setting.
I got one of those ready meal .. the instructions said to put it in the oven at 180 °... Now its in the bottom of the oven.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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He drew a knife
I drew a knife
He drew a gun
I drew a gun
We ended up with two pictures of knifes and guns. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One! How many people does it take to master time travel? |
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By *g200Man
over a year ago
Manchester |
[Removed by poster at 23/10/23 03:31:29] |
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What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? ,,,,,A head banger |
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By *rC99Man
over a year ago
Liverpool |
What do you call a three legged donkey? Wonky Donkey
What do you call a one eyed three legged donkey?
Winky Wonky Donkey |
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By *rC99Man
over a year ago
Liverpool |
A horse walks into a pub.
Barman asks "Why the long face"? |
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My dear old grandfather was the sort of man who could never bring himself to throw anything away.
Which probably explains why he died during World War II holding a hand grenade... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What noise does a mushroom car make… shrroooooom! |
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I've got a part-time job making plastic Dracula models for Hallowe'en.
Mind you, there's only two of us so I have to make every second Count... |
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How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it down a hill.. |
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Why did the crab go to prison?
He started pinching things |
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I decided to put all my old dogging gear up for sale on ebay.
I haven't received any bids yet but I've got 14 watchers... |
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Adding a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
John ate Kelly's sandwich.
John ate Kelly's colon. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A horse walks into a pub.
Barman asks "Why the long face"?"
A horse walks into a bar.
Barman says "I think you've had enough already" |
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Her: Speak soon Darling xx
Him: OK, it won't be too long.
Her: I'm missing you already xxx
Him: I miss you too.
Her: I love you xxxx
Him: I love you too.
Her: Darling, could you put x's after your texts? Xxxx
Him: OK, I love you Lisa, Jennifer, Carol, Sarah, Jane
Her: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! |
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Why did the cannibal not eat the comedian?
He said they tasted funny |
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Knock knock
Who’s there
Cowsgo
Cowsgo who?
No, cows go moo |
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My mate suddenly quit his job at BMW.
He gave no indication he was leaving... |
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My wife’s sister once knocked me out. She’s a sick fucker, I mean who puts chloroform on their used underwear? |
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By *ermite12ukMan
over a year ago
Solihull and Brentwood |
What goes: Click, click, click, is that it?
Click, click, click. Is that it?....
Stevie Wonder playing with a Rubik's Cube. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As I sat looking up at the stars, in awe of their timelessness and marvelling at God's universal creation, I couldn't help thinking that I must get the roof tiles over the bathroom sorted. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do women and noodles have in common ?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
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By *jj2012Man
over a year ago
Barry |
What do call a lady with one leg
Eline
What do call a lady with one leg covered in seamen
Coooommmmee onnnn Eline  |
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day! |
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By *rRiosMan
over a year ago
dublin |
"What do call a lady with one leg
Eline
What do call a lady with one leg covered in seamen
Coooommmmee onnnn Eline "
What do you call a lady between two houses… Elaine
My friend Carlos had his car stol€n, we call him Los now |
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"What do call a lady with one leg
Eline
What do call a lady with one leg covered in seamen
Coooommmmee onnnn Eline
What do you call a lady between two houses… Elaine
My friend Carlos had his car stol€n, we call him Los now "
That truly, is bad! Bravo |
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i was walking around singing Oasis the other day and Mistress told me to stop...
...i said maybe... |
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By *rRiosMan
over a year ago
dublin |
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick |
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Why did the mouse cross the road?
To get its old age pension.
Do you get it?
No? Neither did the mouse, he wasn't over 65. |
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"What’s brown and sticky?
A stick"
What's blue and sticky?
A stick in disguise! |
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What's white and pirouettes?
Come Dancing |
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What's black and white and dangerous?
A Nun on a skateboard |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 02/11/23 01:38:12] |
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Hear about Mickey Mouse's Helicopter?
Disneyland? |
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What do you call a dog with no legs??
Whatever you want it’s not gonna come to you |
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"What do you call a dog with no legs??
Whatever you want it’s not gonna come to you "
i call Willow and my dog comes a'running (she's got legs though )
Where does the Loan Ranger take his rubbish?
To the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump! |
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A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you." |
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By *rRiosMan
over a year ago
dublin |
[Removed by poster at 02/11/23 18:44:08] |
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By *rRiosMan
over a year ago
dublin |
‘I hooked up with a guy who told me he was 12”. It wasn’t 12” but it sure did smell like a foot’ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What do call a lady with one leg
Eline
What do call a lady with one leg covered in seamen
Coooommmmee onnnn Eline
What do you call a lady between two houses… Elaine
My friend Carlos had his car stol€n, we call him Los now "
Oh dear  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why couldn't get worm get served at the bar? ????
He was already legless lol xx |
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I have piles and piles of ironing to do.
I don't know which is worse... |
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I was going to apply for a patent for reusing teabags but Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me. |
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By *apxxxWoman
over a year ago
North Shropshire not Wales!!!ffs & Manchester |
Why do elephants paint their balls red? so they can hide in cherry trees
...whats the noisiest thing in the jungle? Monkeys eating cherries |
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I just got fired from my driving job for sleeping with a passenger.
The funeral home will struggle to find someone dedicated like me to drive the herse. |
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Nagb.
That's bang out of order... |
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What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic
(Sorry lol) |
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What's better than eating a Mandarin?
Eating Amanda out  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two cannibal's were eating a Clown.
One looks at the other and says....
Does this taste funny? |
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Have you heard about the chewable amphetamine that's been selling fast in Lancashire?
It's called "E by gum" |
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"Two cannibal's were eating a Clown.
One looks at the other and says....
Later that same day, one of the cannibals passed his mother-in-law on the street.
Does this taste funny?"
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What’s better than eating a mandarin ?
Eating Amanda out |
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By *_jayxxMan
over a year ago
Stourbridge |
What's Peter Pans favourite place to eat out?
Wendy's |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My missus accuses me of acting like a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down. |
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By *ez669Man
over a year ago
East Kilbride |
Whats the difference between a dollar and a pound
I dont doller your wife |
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By *_jayxxMan
over a year ago
Stourbridge |
Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken comes in a different box |
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By *andV4044Couple
over a year ago
Birmingham |
What is a crazy Rastafarian’s favourite cheese?
Emmental |
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Just from Alan Davies on QI...
What kind of bees are the kind that produce milk?
.
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Boo bees |
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Knock.
Who's there?
A pigeon with a broken neck... |
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How do you find will smith in the snow ?
Fresh prints |
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What's red,green,black and blue and goes Ker thump Ker thump
An elf in a tumble dryer |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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SON: "Dad did you get the results of the DNA test back?"
DAD: "Call me George"
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If you know of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone this year because they have no family or close friends, can you please let me know so I can contact them?
I need to borrow some chairs... |
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Did you hear about the undertaker who jumped off the high flats and survived?
He landed on his herse |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
A small Caithness hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The assistant looked really concerned, "Whatever happened till ye, honey? Ye look like ye hev been wrestlan an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he hed been saving up for 75 years, an I thought he meant his feckin money!!" |
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The poxy bloody train companies.... |
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What’s the difference between a dollar and a pound ?
I don’t know
I can’t dollar your mum
Sorry I’ll get my coat |
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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
Is ‘buttcheeks’ 1 word?
Or do I have to spread them? lol |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Sometimes I have sex with my dad in an elevator… it felt wrong on so many levels "
here come the Level 42 joke.."Looking back, it's so bizarre/It runs in the family" |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
oral sex : the taste of things to cum. |
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I had to phone work this morning,
i said "sorry boss, i can't come in today. I'm sick"
He said "how sick are you?"
I said "I'm in bed with my sister." |
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I own two shirts and a piece of neckwear that used to belong to the guy out of The Mamas & the Papas.
All the sleeves are brown,
And the tie is grey. |
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What's red and lies in a corner
A baby playing with razor blades |
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What has 4 legs and 1 arm
A pittbull in a kinder garden
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[Removed by poster at 16/11/23 01:50:20] |
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Her : i'd like a whisky please
Him : sure, how much?
Her : 2 fingers!
Him : do you want the 2 fingers before or after the whisky? |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Her : i'd like a whisky please
Him : sure, how much?
Her : 2 fingers!
Him : do you want the 2 fingers before or after the whisky?"
What does a supermodel have for pudding? Well it ain't that whiskey |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 16/11/23 22:31:38] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's heavy and the other's a little lighter. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There was a massive fight in my local Chip Shop earlier...
Someone battered the fish. |
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My Christmas decorations are up.
Up in the loft, where they fucking belong in November... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's black & white & red (read) all over....
A Newspaper |
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What's the difference between jam and jelly.........
I can't jelly my dick in your ass |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"There was a massive fight in my local Chip Shop earlier...
Someone battered the fish."
I only come for the scraps. |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"What's black & white & red (read) all over....
A Newspaper "
sun burnt nun, pengiun or zebra, a lion's lunch (aka a dead zebra) |
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Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" clearly never suffered from erectile dysfunction. |
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"What's the difference between jam and jelly.........
I can't jelly my dick in your ass "
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never had a lentil on my face... |
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By *avinaTVTV/TS
over a year ago
Transsexual Transylvania |
What's the difference between a seagull and a puppy?
The seagull flits along the shore... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why do Norwegian warships have barcodes on the them??
So you can Scandinavian |
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