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I needed this today.....
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I heard this...
"When you set a boundary with someone who was comfortable neglecting you they will always take that as a punishment. The immature partner or family member isn't concerned about why you feel the need to set a boundary, which is usually because you feel abandoned or disrespected or exhausted from over-giving. They don't care about any of that. The only thing they care about is how your boundary is going to negatively affect them, as in they will no longer be able to do whatever they want with no consequences. So they'll say things like what's wrong with you? why are you acting like this? or I knew you never loved me. Because they want to bait you into a fight. You know what, in the past you might have taken that bait, but now we know there's no point in arguing with someone who's committed to misunderstanding us. There's no point in fighting with someone who has no interest in our health, our limits or our boundaries. Because the sad truth is no one is coming to save us. We have to be the first to respect and advocate for our needs and boundaries even if they wont. But we can still do that with kindness and gentleness but also with assertiveness because at the end of the day it's our job to know where our lines are, what we're comfortable with and what we've unapologetically need in our relationships to feel valued and safe. That's not being needy it's being honest at self-reflective and emotionally mature, and it protects us from people who aren't capable of what we deserve. And sadly, when we value and prioritize our needs just like we generously prioritize theirs it will cause some relationships to fall apart. Because the glue that was holding those together was you abandoning yourself."
Just thought I'd share.
Please share anything you heard or read that struck a chord or resonated with you recently. It might just touch someone else where they need it or the comfort within it. |
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"I heard this...
"When you set a boundary with someone who was comfortable neglecting you they will always take that as a punishment. The immature partner or family member isn't concerned about why you feel the need to set a boundary, which is usually because you feel abandoned or disrespected or exhausted from over-giving. They don't care about any of that. The only thing they care about is how your boundary is going to negatively affect them, as in they will no longer be able to do whatever they want with no consequences. So they'll say things like what's wrong with you? why are you acting like this? or I knew you never loved me. Because they want to bait you into a fight. You know what, in the past you might have taken that bait, but now we know there's no point in arguing with someone who's committed to misunderstanding us. There's no point in fighting with someone who has no interest in our health, our limits or our boundaries. Because the sad truth is no one is coming to save us. We have to be the first to respect and advocate for our needs and boundaries even if they wont. But we can still do that with kindness and gentleness but also with assertiveness because at the end of the day it's our job to know where our lines are, what we're comfortable with and what we've unapologetically need in our relationships to feel valued and safe. That's not being needy it's being honest at self-reflective and emotionally mature, and it protects us from people who aren't capable of what we deserve. And sadly, when we value and prioritize our needs just like we generously prioritize theirs it will cause some relationships to fall apart. Because the glue that was holding those together was you abandoning yourself."
Just thought I'd share.
Please share anything you heard or read that struck a chord or resonated with you recently. It might just touch someone else where they need it or the comfort within it."
Each day you bring us light and shade .thank you |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
This is beautiful.
Boundaries are so desperately important and vary from “not now, go away” to “I don’t want that with you” or “I don’t ever want to live with someone”.
Anyone that can’t recognise or respect boundaries when they’re set isn’t anyone that I ever want to give my time to. Maybe it’s a bit of black/white thinking but if someone can’t respect ‘not now’ how can you ever expect them to respect “no”?
In the interests of answering your question; “No” is a complete sentence |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Heavy for a Monday morning x"
Yes maybe it is, but unfortunately my Monday is loaded with this very subject so it helped.
Apologies, I'll do something more fun soon  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This is beautiful.
Boundaries are so desperately important and vary from “not now, go away” to “I don’t want that with you” or “I don’t ever want to live with someone”.
Anyone that can’t recognise or respect boundaries when they’re set isn’t anyone that I ever want to give my time to. Maybe it’s a bit of black/white thinking but if someone can’t respect ‘not now’ how can you ever expect them to respect “no”?
In the interests of answering your question; “No” is a complete sentence"
I think we are very much on the same page. I'm just getting a bit fed with making my boundaries clear and having them ignored. I'm losing the will in humans. And then blaming myself for my poor choices. I'm very black and white at times. |
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"This is beautiful.
Boundaries are so desperately important and vary from “not now, go away” to “I don’t want that with you” or “I don’t ever want to live with someone”.
Anyone that can’t recognise or respect boundaries when they’re set isn’t anyone that I ever want to give my time to. Maybe it’s a bit of black/white thinking but if someone can’t respect ‘not now’ how can you ever expect them to respect “no”?
In the interests of answering your question; “No” is a complete sentence"
And worthy of equal respect to the word yes . |
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I can totally relate to to that... that's usually when people disappear from your life as you're no longer serving them and their needs. Had that happen many a time! Can't cut you out of my life? Watch me....snip snip!!
Let me come back with something inspirational |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I can totally relate to to that... that's usually when people disappear from your life as you're no longer serving them and their needs. Had that happen many a time! Can't cut you out of my life? Watch me....snip snip!!
Let me come back with something inspirational "
I like the one....
If I cut you off chances are you handed me the scissors. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"That's why I keep bleating about self-respect and self-awareness.
You may like Karpmans drama triangle. If you haven't seen it before."
I shall look this up. Thanks |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"That's why I keep bleating about self-respect and self-awareness.
You may like Karpmans drama triangle. If you haven't seen it before.
I love the drama triangle. It's so helpful. "
That was enlightening reading |
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"An apology without change is just manipulation
When someone shows you who they are, believe them"
This is very true, with just a few added words. Nothing has changed or it's always been like this. It's into gaslighting.
I am very prone to it because of CSA. I tend to give partners the benefit of the doubt, because I can't tell if I am being hypersensitive or it is how you say 'when they show you'. It can trigger my PTSD.
I really need open communication in relationships. Even if it is shitty or mean, 1000 times more preferable than being maneuvered. |
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"That's why I keep bleating about self-respect and self-awareness.
You may like Karpmans drama triangle. If you haven't seen it before.
I love the drama triangle. It's so helpful.
That was enlightening reading "
It comes from Transactional Analysis. If you are really interested The Games People Play is quite eye-opening.
https://youtu.be/YOqJ4sc9TAc?si=_i7BXf9QcpQbWQth |
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"Heavy for a Monday morning x
Yes maybe it is, but unfortunately my Monday is loaded with this very subject so it helped.
Apologies, I'll do something more fun soon "
Yeah fluffy bunnies and cute kittens please  |
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By *adMerWoman
over a year ago
Sandwich |
I have been setting clearer boundaries in my life recently.
As Tea Monkey said “no is a complete sentence “. Using just the single word and not rushing to add any explanation to that word/sentence has transformed my life experiences |
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I agree with everything in this statement, but whenever I’ve tried to put it into practice, I’ve been cast as a villain. It isn’t always easy to stand up for yourself, and quite often there are negative consequences. With family, this can be very difficult. |
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