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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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THOUGHT PROVOKING AHEAD - You may not wish to read.
I read a post recently which basically stated there is a universal opinion held by many apparently.
There appears to be a view that anyone any of us may meet off Fab is meeting others left, right and centre, and therefore should not be someone, one puts all one’s energy into. I’m not agreeing with this personally. It’s simply my understanding of a view expressed.
From that thought, I drew a connection. Perhaps parallel and never intersecting but I like to think otherwise.
To me, the view that anyone is meeting a multitude of others wasn’t what I took away from that post. It was instead the question of why it is widely assumed that anyone and everyone is meeting multiple people. Obviously one can draw the conclusion, it’s a swingers/sex site therefore it has to be true. But, is it that it is just the nature of such sites? Is it that the anticipation of potentially having sex with every new meet that fuels this view? As if the rush and anticipatory excitement of planning, and meeting with someone new sends a rush of “good feelings” that one feels the need to replicate over and over again.
If you sat with the thoughts, would you consider yourself seeking that anticipatory excitement over and over again with new people — in other words, seeking the thrill of meeting someone new and therefore you’ve become “addicted” to this “high” and want it over and over again? Or are you simply into the transactionality this site allows?
If you could insure you’d have that same build up, the anticipatory excitement, the thrill that runs through you with repeat meets with one sole person would you give up the idea that everyone is meeting all of Fab and therefore you are merely a sheep in doing the same because everyone else is doing it? If so, would you be more or less inclined to “pour” more energy into someone without the fear of simply being a notch on someone’s bedpost, potentially? |
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I haven't and won't close myself off to any possibility. Right now the ENM lifestyle suits me. I'm not sure it's the rush of the new for me. It's more that it's easier to have my needs met when spread over a few lovers.it is also easier to keep them all at arms length. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I haven't and won't close myself off to any possibility. Right now the ENM lifestyle suits me. I'm not sure it's the rush of the new for me. It's more that it's easier to have my needs met when spread over a few lovers.it is also easier to keep them all at arms length."
I’m trying to understand this. You’re ENM and you form connections devoid of any depth? Physical connections only? I have a feeling I’ve misunderstood. |
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Because we all make assumptions, you might make an assumption based on their pics or comments they make in forums doesn't make that assumption correct, you may assume we are all like minded we are not, you may assume we are all sluts and we are not  |
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There is an assumption that all women have a choice and therefore the potential to meet repeatedly and often.
There is also another assumption that all men are grateful for whatever comes their way.
An addiction to the anticipation of meeting is just another way of saying people enjoy the thrill of the chase.
Personally speaking I don't engage with anyone who does.
I don't mind in the slightest how many people they have met or had sex with in the past but when they are chatting to me I prefer that they aren't hedging their bets and are actually invested in the conversation.
That's why in all my years here I've turned down twice as many offers as I've accepted even for a social meet and also why many conversations fizzle out when they can see I'm not chasing. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"THOUGHT PROVOKING AHEAD - You may not wish to read.
I read a post recently which basically stated there is a universal opinion held by many apparently.
There appears to be a view that anyone any of us may meet off Fab is meeting others left, right and centre, and therefore should not be someone, one puts all one’s energy into. I’m not agreeing with this personally. It’s simply my understanding of a view expressed.
From that thought, I drew a connection. Perhaps parallel and never intersecting but I like to think otherwise.
To me, the view that anyone is meeting a multitude of others wasn’t what I took away from that post. It was instead the question of why it is widely assumed that anyone and everyone is meeting multiple people. Obviously one can draw the conclusion, it’s a swingers/sex site therefore it has to be true. But, is it that it is just the nature of such sites? Is it that the anticipation of potentially having sex with every new meet that fuels this view? As if the rush and anticipatory excitement of planning, and meeting with someone new sends a rush of “good feelings” that one feels the need to replicate over and over again.
If you sat with the thoughts, would you consider yourself seeking that anticipatory excitement over and over again with new people — in other words, seeking the thrill of meeting someone new and therefore you’ve become “addicted” to this “high” and want it over and over again? Or are you simply into the transactionality this site allows?
If you could insure you’d have that same build up, the anticipatory excitement, the thrill that runs through you with repeat meets with one sole person would you give up the idea that everyone is meeting all of Fab and therefore you are merely a sheep in doing the same because everyone else is doing it? If so, would you be more or less inclined to “pour” more energy into someone without the fear of simply being a notch on someone’s bedpost, potentially? "
Feels like 2 separate questions/ thoughts, not connected.
People are just notches. If not for sex, for some other friendship transaction that isn't real. Veri count, body count, gossip, whatever the currency they deal in. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think in many ways I find it hard to do the multiple people at once thing. I like to spend my energy and very limited time on one person I'm really enjoying. I want to get to know them and indulge in the newness and butterflies stage. Where everytime you meet them, there is anticipation and a rush. I want to get lost in the moment with them and it's wonderful when that happens for you both. To be honest I don't have the time or the head space for more.
However, that's just me and I know others do things differently. I don't expect any exclusivity. It doesn't upset me if they are meeting others, I'm pleased for them.
I suppose in many ways I do assume people are meeting multiple people and chatting and planning to do so.
I am very much a hopeless romantic navigating a hook up culture, so I just do my own thing rather than worry about others.
For all of those reasons I'm a bit of a rubbish swinger but I am a very tactile lover. I'm good with that for however long it lasts.
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
It’s definitely not the thrill of meeting new people for me. I prefer just meeting one and sticking with them until it either ends or it doesn’t.
For me that way leads to better sex, relaxation (in their company), knowing what works/what doesn’t, fun and anticipation of seeing them again.
For me, meeting new people is a nightmare. I get anxious. Every single time. I found it such an ordeal that it is one of the (many) reasons I no longer meet. And it’s not them - it’s totally me. I just don’t want to put myself through it for casual meaningless sex. I prefer the comfort of familiarity that a regular someone brings.
I realise I probably sound a boring fart but I don’t care. It worked for me when I was meeting.
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It’s definitely not the thrill of meeting new people for me. I prefer just meeting one and sticking with them until it either ends or it doesn’t.
For me that way leads to better sex, relaxation (in their company), knowing what works/what doesn’t, fun and anticipation of seeing them again.
For me, meeting new people is a nightmare. I get anxious. Every single time. I found it such an ordeal that it is one of the (many) reasons I no longer meet. And it’s not them - it’s totally me. I just don’t want to put myself through it for casual meaningless sex. I prefer the comfort of familiarity that a regular someone brings.
I realise I probably sound a boring fart but I don’t care. It worked for me when I was meeting.
"
You don’t at all sound like a boring fart. If it’s what suits you, then it’s simply that. Your way!
The anxiety of meeting people is also very real for many. I have a partner of over a decade, who is poly along with me, and shares in your sentiment. They can’t be bothered to make new connections by meeting new people for the very same reasons. Instead they relish in the familiarity of existing connections.
The brilliant thing in life, in your own, there’s no rules to doing it. You just do what best suits you, and that’s what you’ve managed. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think in many ways I find it hard to do the multiple people at once thing. I like to spend my energy and very limited time on one person I'm really enjoying. I want to get to know them and indulge in the newness and butterflies stage. Where everytime you meet them, there is anticipation and a rush. I want to get lost in the moment with them and it's wonderful when that happens for you both. To be honest I don't have the time or the head space for more.
However, that's just me and I know others do things differently. I don't expect any exclusivity. It doesn't upset me if they are meeting others, I'm pleased for them.
I suppose in many ways I do assume people are meeting multiple people and chatting and planning to do so.
I am very much a hopeless romantic navigating a hook up culture, so I just do my own thing rather than worry about others.
For all of those reasons I'm a bit of a rubbish swinger but I am a very tactile lover. I'm good with that for however long it lasts.
"
Thanks for your thoughts. I reckon being tactile as a lover doesn’t make you a rubbish swinger. 
Your statement about being a hopeless romantic navigating a hook up culture made me think you’re just an extra ordinary woman living in an ordinary art world. |
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I don’t think the site is “transactional” (hate that word!) - I like to meet multiple people but the “high” I get from that is about meeting people and having a good time with them. It is social not transactional.
I don’t get “excited” about the anticipation of a meet which is probably why I find people who just want to chat more than a bit boring. They are getting their kicks from the chat whereas it really does nothing for me. |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
Some people are just into meeting a lot of people, possibly because they like variety, possibly because yes, its the thrill of the chase and that anticipation that you mention. Some may do so because they want to avoid any connection other than purely physical of course, keeping emotions for partners if in couples and if single, keeping that kind of thing for potential off site LTR's.
Others may be happy just meeting a small number of regular friends, where there's more of a connection and a FWB relationship, where you can delve deeper with others and still get that 'anticipation' and excitement that comes with each meet, especially if you're exploring new things together.
Others find it hard to focus on more than one person at a time and will be almost 'exclusive' for a while, til any such relationship fizzles out naturally, or someone new catches their eye.
There'll never be a one size fits all model because people are people. They do what they want based on their own desires, attitudes and comfort zones. The tricky part is when their model doesn't match that of someone they become interested in, as there can often be a conflict of interests, one side wanting a different approach to the other, and as a result - disappointed and rejection.
But that's as true in life off site as on. |
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"It’s definitely not the thrill of meeting new people for me. I prefer just meeting one and sticking with them until it either ends or it doesn’t.
For me that way leads to better sex, relaxation (in their company), knowing what works/what doesn’t, fun and anticipation of seeing them again.
For me, meeting new people is a nightmare. I get anxious. Every single time. I found it such an ordeal that it is one of the (many) reasons I no longer meet. And it’s not them - it’s totally me. I just don’t want to put myself through it for casual meaningless sex. I prefer the comfort of familiarity that a regular someone brings.
I realise I probably sound a boring fart but I don’t care. It worked for me when I was meeting.
"
This for me too. I don’t have the time or want to meet lots of people. I’ve always stuck to one (maximum 2 on occasions) men and most of those have lasted ages. The whole swinging lifestyle isn’t me at all but I’ve always found what I wanted here |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s definitely not the thrill of meeting new people for me. I prefer just meeting one and sticking with them until it either ends or it doesn’t.
For me that way leads to better sex, relaxation (in their company), knowing what works/what doesn’t, fun and anticipation of seeing them again.
For me, meeting new people is a nightmare. I get anxious. Every single time. I found it such an ordeal that it is one of the (many) reasons I no longer meet. And it’s not them - it’s totally me. I just don’t want to put myself through it for casual meaningless sex. I prefer the comfort of familiarity that a regular someone brings.
I realise I probably sound a boring fart but I don’t care. It worked for me when I was meeting.
This for me too. I don’t have the time or want to meet lots of people. I’ve always stuck to one (maximum 2 on occasions) men and most of those have lasted ages. The whole swinging lifestyle isn’t me at all but I’ve always found what I wanted here "
So there’s no room at the inn? |
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"It’s definitely not the thrill of meeting new people for me. I prefer just meeting one and sticking with them until it either ends or it doesn’t.
For me that way leads to better sex, relaxation (in their company), knowing what works/what doesn’t, fun and anticipation of seeing them again.
For me, meeting new people is a nightmare. I get anxious. Every single time. I found it such an ordeal that it is one of the (many) reasons I no longer meet. And it’s not them - it’s totally me. I just don’t want to put myself through it for casual meaningless sex. I prefer the comfort of familiarity that a regular someone brings.
I realise I probably sound a boring fart but I don’t care. It worked for me when I was meeting.
This for me too. I don’t have the time or want to meet lots of people. I’ve always stuck to one (maximum 2 on occasions) men and most of those have lasted ages. The whole swinging lifestyle isn’t me at all but I’ve always found what I wanted here
So there’s no room at the inn?"
There’s always room for ladies |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s definitely not the thrill of meeting new people for me. I prefer just meeting one and sticking with them until it either ends or it doesn’t.
For me that way leads to better sex, relaxation (in their company), knowing what works/what doesn’t, fun and anticipation of seeing them again.
For me, meeting new people is a nightmare. I get anxious. Every single time. I found it such an ordeal that it is one of the (many) reasons I no longer meet. And it’s not them - it’s totally me. I just don’t want to put myself through it for casual meaningless sex. I prefer the comfort of familiarity that a regular someone brings.
I realise I probably sound a boring fart but I don’t care. It worked for me when I was meeting.
This for me too. I don’t have the time or want to meet lots of people. I’ve always stuck to one (maximum 2 on occasions) men and most of those have lasted ages. The whole swinging lifestyle isn’t me at all but I’ve always found what I wanted here
So there’s no room at the inn?
There’s always room for ladies "
What did you just call me  |
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"It’s definitely not the thrill of meeting new people for me. I prefer just meeting one and sticking with them until it either ends or it doesn’t.
For me that way leads to better sex, relaxation (in their company), knowing what works/what doesn’t, fun and anticipation of seeing them again.
For me, meeting new people is a nightmare. I get anxious. Every single time. I found it such an ordeal that it is one of the (many) reasons I no longer meet. And it’s not them - it’s totally me. I just don’t want to put myself through it for casual meaningless sex. I prefer the comfort of familiarity that a regular someone brings.
I realise I probably sound a boring fart but I don’t care. It worked for me when I was meeting.
This for me too. I don’t have the time or want to meet lots of people. I’ve always stuck to one (maximum 2 on occasions) men and most of those have lasted ages. The whole swinging lifestyle isn’t me at all but I’ve always found what I wanted here
So there’s no room at the inn?
There’s always room for ladies
What did you just call me "
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m just here filling the gap of my single years until eventually I hope to meet someone I truly connect with and then I’ll leave completely. I do tend to only meet once or twice and then move on because I guess I’m not getting what I’m ultimately searching for (a true emotional connection) so I get bored and seek that out on a subconscious level maybe. That being said I don’t expect to find that on this site and would probably find that elsewhere as discussed on another thread about finding a partner on a site like this. I’m perfectly capable of monogomy so I don’t think it’s anything to do with a high of meeting someone new. It’s not having my emotional needs fulfilled most probably. |
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I think this is perhaps where being demi breaks both moulds (to the extent they are definitive).
Anticipation takes a slightly different form, it is slower burn usually where sexual desire tends to emerge spontaneously in conversation or it doesn't. Usually, at that point a substantial connection has already formed.
If I spread myself too thin, what I find is women lose interest. Which is quite understandable. So I will always be predisposed to less rather than more. I have been told my whole life I am boyfriend material.
I am always going to desire a relationship where there is a high level of intimacy and likely swing as a couple. As I know that's my greatest joy.
I can't really help if someone has an adverse opinion on that. I am not willing to change it because someone doesn't like it. I'll happily discuss it with people and hear them out.
It's a really interesting subject, I feel borders on so many other aspects e.g. group dynamics. |
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