FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > When they start fucking someone else.
When they start fucking someone else.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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And the things they did, said, sent, promised etc disappear slowly bit by bit.
The connection becomes a slow disconnection, and you can see it happening but they won't even acknowledge it. They may blatantly just be cold or even nasty. Instead of talking to you and saying they want out they wait till it fizzles or even push to break it (like a reverse discard)
What do you do? Do you just walk even when really you don't want to? Do you find it hard to? And what feelings do you have about it and yourself in the process? Does it knock your confidence, leave you feeling like just a body or something else?
Does it suck even more in a swinging site where people often claim to want multiple lovers yet when a new one comes along it becomes quite evident they are more a one person at a time type? Does it then break your trust in people further?
Bit deep I know but I'm curious, as always.
Disclaimer...this is not a me asking for advice post, it's a me asking you the questions post.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is deep. I suppose I’ve never experienced it quite like this and that could be the poly in me and I’m quite selective with partners. But I do think energy shifts are hard to deal with when they do happen. I guess the best thing to do is call it out. Sometimes I do sometimes I don’t. I think the last time I noticed an energy shift a break up came not long after and it hurt me to end that but I think it was probably the right decision. I don’t know how to answer your OP but it is thought provoking. I’ll be interested to read responses and experiences |
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This happened to me quite recently, plans made to meet after a recent holiday. Unexpectedly told when I got back that they caught feelings for another fella on here. Doesn't bother me in the slightest, each to their own.
But don't be dragging/wasting people's time which a lot of folk on here tend to do. |
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With my fb's I'm happy to be an option, as he is an option to me, that's the agreement we make from day one, so we may only meet once a year due to us both being balls deep with other people 
Now fwb's are different, we have the clear concise communication talks and are honest about how each other are feeling. If one of them chose to back bench and refuse to communicate with me frequently cos he had a new partner, I would walk due to incompatibility. Not to return. That's my default defense mode, that will not be broken |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Things change, life is busy, situations, logistics, moods, all of those things mean they may well choose others over me but I may also do the same. That's the nature of fab.
If I got the impression that they weren't interested in me at all anymore, I'd just back away. Yes, I might be a bit gutted but that's how it goes and I'm pretty used to it if honest!
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This is deep. I suppose I’ve never experienced it quite like this and that could be the poly in me and I’m quite selective with partners. But I do think energy shifts are hard to deal with when they do happen. I guess the best thing to do is call it out. Sometimes I do sometimes I don’t. I think the last time I noticed an energy shift a break up came not long after and it hurt me to end that but I think it was probably the right decision. I don’t know how to answer your OP but it is thought provoking. I’ll be interested to read responses and experiences"
I know what you mean about energy shifts. They often calm and level out after time has passed. I think there's more understanding when it's a new thing energy. But I guess when, after time, that energy sticks it's a different ball game isn't it and becomes what I describe above. |
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Not sure if you are talking about here or real life OP.
If it is here then I don’t think anyone owes anyone an oath of undying fidelity - I am here to help couples enjoy a wider sex life and I get pleasure out of that. Sure I would like to meet them again but I am not bound to them for eternity and I hope they enjoy themselves with others as well.
If you are talking about real life then I don’t understand that place so can’t help you. Sorry. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I set my ass to freeze ice mode.
I wrap my seething wrath of self righteous anger around my like a shield.
Then go fuck someone else.
"
Do you find it hard to do this though if you particularly like them or get a lot from your normal dynamic with them?
Do you try to communicate what you're feeling first or do you just go ice mode? |
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I'm aware of that new relationship energy and that not everyone manages to balance the people that already matter to them during that time.
I usually take a step back and let them know they're welcome to reach out (if they are) when the NRE calms down if they're too wrapped up in the shiny new thing to give me the focus I'm used to getting. Or, if they do handle it well and communicate, just share in their joy and accept a little less time with them than I'm used to while they settle into that new energy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This is deep. I suppose I’ve never experienced it quite like this and that could be the poly in me and I’m quite selective with partners. But I do think energy shifts are hard to deal with when they do happen. I guess the best thing to do is call it out. Sometimes I do sometimes I don’t. I think the last time I noticed an energy shift a break up came not long after and it hurt me to end that but I think it was probably the right decision. I don’t know how to answer your OP but it is thought provoking. I’ll be interested to read responses and experiences
I know what you mean about energy shifts. They often calm and level out after time has passed. I think there's more understanding when it's a new thing energy. But I guess when, after time, that energy sticks it's a different ball game isn't it and becomes what I describe above."
When it sticks, it’s time to cut it. I’ve spent time learning to know my own worth. And that ain’t it. I wish for everyone else in life to know the same. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s hard not to have some feels with a fwb as it tends to be more intimate in my experience.
Fb’s cum and go so to speak, which is a lot easier.
But I do prefer a fwb thing that being said…… it just doesn’t feel nice when it inevitably fizzles out.
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"
The connection becomes a slow disconnection, and you can see it happening but they won't even acknowledge it. They may blatantly just be cold or even nasty. Instead of talking to you and saying they want out they wait till it fizzles or even push to break it (like a reverse discard)
"
Woah, that's deep for the morning indeed. Thankfully, no has been cold or nasty to me (and I don't think I have been either - hope they think so too). I hate when they wait for it to fizzle out though, especially if we've already spoken for some time - I'd prefer them to say "no, thanks" (no "thanks" is fine too  ) instead of hoping I forget. I don't know - realising that I've been discarded is a worse feeling than being discarded for sure. |
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"I set my ass to freeze ice mode.
I wrap my seething wrath of self righteous anger around my like a shield.
Then go fuck someone else.
Do you find it hard to do this though if you particularly like them or get a lot from your normal dynamic with them?
Do you try to communicate what you're feeling first or do you just go ice mode?"
Communicate feelings?  . Absolutely not. Straight to ice mode.
And yeah. It stings a little, but it’s also to be expected anyway. But it’s mostly ego, rather than feelings that get hurt. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I set my ass to freeze ice mode.
I wrap my seething wrath of self righteous anger around my like a shield.
Then go fuck someone else.
Do you find it hard to do this though if you particularly like them or get a lot from your normal dynamic with them?
Do you try to communicate what you're feeling first or do you just go ice mode?
Communicate feelings? . Absolutely not. Straight to ice mode.
And yeah. It stings a little, but it’s also to be expected anyway. But it’s mostly ego, rather than feelings that get hurt. "
I didn't mean feelings as in feelings for them. But your feelings surrounding their actions or disconnected behaviours.
Sorry I didn't word that well the first time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s a difficult one, and entirely depends on the situation and the other person. the agreement if any you had with each other. the length of time you’ve been fb/ fwb. etc.
my biggest thing is communication, and trust. regardless of the type of dynamic.
if that’s broken i’ll ice out faster than the frost forms on a winter day. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"And the things they did, said, sent, promised etc disappear slowly bit by bit.
The connection becomes a slow disconnection, and you can see it happening but they won't even acknowledge it. They may blatantly just be cold or even nasty. Instead of talking to you and saying they want out they wait till it fizzles or even push to break it (like a reverse discard)
What do you do? Do you just walk even when really you don't want to? Do you find it hard to? And what feelings do you have about it and yourself in the process? Does it knock your confidence, leave you feeling like just a body or something else?
Does it suck even more in a swinging site where people often claim to want multiple lovers yet when a new one comes along it becomes quite evident they are more a one person at a time type? Does it then break your trust in people further?
Bit deep I know but I'm curious, as always.
Disclaimer...this is not a me asking for advice post, it's a me asking you the questions post.
"
Bookmarking. I’ll answer with my deep thoughts later.
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Had it with FWB. Went from regular meets to less frequently.
Then something happened to jolt the trust a little (could have worked it out) and he disappears, never to be seen again.
Was a bit concerning at first, but we don't owe each other anything. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
Ach.
I am poly and to me having that open and honest communication is really important.
I've tried tackling it head on. Acknowledging things had changed, feelings had etc. I was fine with it, I wanted to be free to carry on. Yet I was repeatedly told nothing had changed, they loved me etc.
As time went on it became more apparent. The pet names stopped. The morning messages. The excitement in planning things. And then the lies started. Well, I stopped being able to overlook them. The promises made were soon forgotten.
I do find it hard to walk away because I don't like giving up on people. I don't want to hurt someone. If people are told negative things, it can reaffirm their worries and doubts. I didn't want to do that. Thought I could cope.
My confidence gets knocked a lot by emotional flip-flopping, breadcrumbing to use a current trendy term. I've always cheerleadered people on when it comes to them meeting others. Been there when it's been a crap social/date. Felt happiness and expressed it when things were going well. I adore NRE, love seeing those I care about be genuinely happy, that frisson of joy they communicate with others.
I can't cope with lack of honesty. It erodes trust and the dynamic. And it leaves me doubting myself a lot. My confidence dips, I start doubting if people would choose to spend time with me.
And then at some point, I choose myself. Listen to my friends after they've been telling me for ages to...
Walk away. Even if it's painful and I'm unsure if I should. Even with the abuse that follows. I don't let my trust and hope in others break, I refuse to become cynical because of the actions of one person. Life happens. And there is so much joy and great sex and adventures to be found out there.
I've only really experienced it once so I'm quite fortunate. I think if it ever arises again? I'll walk away earlier.
If only so my shovel hands of a friend doesn't get to say "I Told You So".
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
As soon as I start feeling like I'm not really wanted I start to pull away. They will soon show where their desires lie.
It's a definite knock to my confidence but then also not really a surprise as I never particularly believe I'm 'wanted' in the first place. I always have some level of protection around myself.
People change as does life. I assume I'm no longer fit for the purpose they want and let them move on to what they want and hopefully I learn something along the way  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Ach.
I am poly and to me having that open and honest communication is really important.
I've tried tackling it head on. Acknowledging things had changed, feelings had etc. I was fine with it, I wanted to be free to carry on. Yet I was repeatedly told nothing had changed, they loved me etc.
As time went on it became more apparent. The pet names stopped. The morning messages. The excitement in planning things. And then the lies started. Well, I stopped being able to overlook them. The promises made were soon forgotten.
I do find it hard to walk away because I don't like giving up on people. I don't want to hurt someone. If people are told negative things, it can reaffirm their worries and doubts. I didn't want to do that. Thought I could cope.
My confidence gets knocked a lot by emotional flip-flopping, breadcrumbing to use a current trendy term. I've always cheerleadered people on when it comes to them meeting others. Been there when it's been a crap social/date. Felt happiness and expressed it when things were going well. I adore NRE, love seeing those I care about be genuinely happy, that frisson of joy they communicate with others.
I can't cope with lack of honesty. It erodes trust and the dynamic. And it leaves me doubting myself a lot. My confidence dips, I start doubting if people would choose to spend time with me.
And then at some point, I choose myself. Listen to my friends after they've been telling me for ages to...
Walk away. Even if it's painful and I'm unsure if I should. Even with the abuse that follows. I don't let my trust and hope in others break, I refuse to become cynical because of the actions of one person. Life happens. And there is so much joy and great sex and adventures to be found out there.
I've only really experienced it once so I'm quite fortunate. I think if it ever arises again? I'll walk away earlier.
If only so my shovel hands of a friend doesn't get to say "I Told You So".
"
I'm very similar to this. Very similar. Only I'm not poly. Like you I don't like giving up on people. But I struggle with it greatly when I communicate what I am feeling and seeing but the other person won't communicate back or hear me or acknowledge. I take longer to walk away because I'd rather they understood why I'm going and have a chance to fix it or explain things if they want to, but I just prefer them to know why I'm going. The ice mode mentioned above is a hard place to suddenly go to. Though if they are nasty anger and upset can take me there easily. I've experienced it twice, not just in fab. The second time I walked away and I didn't even explain why I left because the level of nasty from that person turned me straight to ice queen the second it finished coming out of their mouth.
You wrote..'I can't cope with lack of honesty. It erodes trust and the dynamic. And it leaves me doubting myself a lot. My confidence dips, I start doubting if people would choose to spend time with me'
That's me too.
I'm already a bit cynical, life hasn't been kind in some respects to prevent that. I struggle with it. But sometimes it serves me well. Its not always a bad thing. But it also means that when I start feeling that pinching more I know I need to walk. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
I’m probably guilty of this but I don’t think I’ve ever experienced it myself on the receiving end. If people handle it well they stay in my life and we figure it out eventually.
Love ultimately leads to pain and loss , just accept that from the start |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Massive confidence knock. I process it for couple of weeks within myself. Then I move on. This is ego for sure, and it can be restored. Someone said here before, I want to be a choice, not an option. |
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"And the things they did, said, sent, promised etc disappear slowly bit by bit.
The connection becomes a slow disconnection, and you can see it happening but they won't even acknowledge it. They may blatantly just be cold or even nasty. Instead of talking to you and saying they want out they wait till it fizzles or even push to break it (like a reverse discard)
What do you do? Do you just walk even when really you don't want to? Do you find it hard to? And what feelings do you have about it and yourself in the process? Does it knock your confidence, leave you feeling like just a body or something else?
Does it suck even more in a swinging site where people often claim to want multiple lovers yet when a new one comes along it becomes quite evident they are more a one person at a time type? Does it then break your trust in people further?
Bit deep I know but I'm curious, as always.
Disclaimer...this is not a me asking for advice post, it's a me asking you the questions post.
"
Like anything else that changes... Either accept it or move on. Nothing stays the same. |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
I used to try and attempt to bring attention back to me from time to time, keep the connection and communication open but often found if that were the case then there was no interest left anymore.
Now when things feel like they are drifting in that direction, I'll check in now and again and then if its still essentially one sided, I drop it, leave the ball in their court and see where they take things.
You can often tell the difference between courtesy messages and genuine interest and intent for interaction. People like to discard of their toys quite easily. I used to take it very personal, it hit hard and hurt. Now, I just move on, it stings of course always does but it becomes more of a dull irritation and then numb.
It made me question my need for connection, which I concluded I do need. So I keep at it. |
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Everything ends, especially with people on here. It might leave you feeling used, or wronged, or heartbroken. But it’s probably not malicious (unless they specifically treat you badly). It’s mostly that in a transient, disposable world, those connections that we all value are ephemeral. We all fall into the trap of thinking there is something there, when in fact there isn’t. The old values - loyalty, integrity, honour, commitment - for the most part are just hollow marketing buzz words. They no longer have weight and meaning. Everything is disposable, including other people. And I suspect we are all guilty of it. A bit cynical I know. Let’s hope the day gets better Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The connection becomes a slow disconnection, and you can see it happening but they won't even acknowledge it. They may blatantly just be cold or even nasty. Instead of talking to you and saying they want out they wait till it fizzles or even push to break it (like a reverse discard)"
If I've talked to them about this, and they won't even acknowledge that this is happening?
I walk. I won't allow anyone else to make me feel I'm not worth more. Done with that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sorry can I just ask what
NRE is? I've seen it twice on this post.
Find this post really interesting and thought provoking- thank you xx "
New relationship energy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sorry can I just ask what
NRE is? I've seen it twice on this post.
Find this post really interesting and thought provoking- thank you xx "
New relationship energy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"And the things they did, said, sent, promised etc disappear slowly bit by bit.
The connection becomes a slow disconnection, and you can see it happening but they won't even acknowledge it. They may blatantly just be cold or even nasty. Instead of talking to you and saying they want out they wait till it fizzles or even push to break it (like a reverse discard)
What do you do? Do you just walk even when really you don't want to? Do you find it hard to? And what feelings do you have about it and yourself in the process? Does it knock your confidence, leave you feeling like just a body or something else?
Does it suck even more in a swinging site where people often claim to want multiple lovers yet when a new one comes along it becomes quite evident they are more a one person at a time type? Does it then break your trust in people further?
Bit deep I know but I'm curious, as always.
Disclaimer...this is not a me asking for advice post, it's a me asking you the questions post.
"
I have learnt fab is full of ghosters with a rare few genuine people. I learn not to pin hopes.
If people ghost me simples a block button is on hand to get rid of bad apples. I do not tolerate mind games.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sorry can I just ask what
NRE is? I've seen it twice on this post.
Find this post really interesting and thought provoking- thank you xx
New relationship energy"
Ahh right! Thank you Jennie and Sally xx |
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Put your disclaimers at the start, I was getting upset for you then!
Like Pickle said if I notice the energy shift in the relationship, I bring it into the open. Is that poly, I suppose it may well tap into that, it is a good point.
It depends on that conversation. As a general principle I will walk eventually if there's no conversation about it. If they tell me nothing has changed - this is now concerning territory for me. I will start detaching at that point. Any sexual desire I had for that person will fade too.
It's not sex with other people that bothers me. I am usually filled with compersion and the more I care about someone the more I feel that. The things that hurt me are associated with honesty, respect and trust. They are core principles applicable to any relationship. Trust is about trust not sex.
Of course, if I am hurt it will affect my capacity to trust again for a little while. In my experience, I have seen it coming. Some people will lie through their teeth. If they can't own it, respect me enough to be honest. There's nothing left to discuss. There's no point being 'friends' because we have a completely different understanding of what that word means.
Is that specific to swingers sites? I don't think so. I don't think swingers are inherently any less trustworthy than people generally. Sometimes it is other people's lack of trust and they want to beat you to it People who can't trust play all kinds of weird and wonderful games. There's not many I haven't seen. |
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With one guy back when i dated I did pick him up on it and he got angry and said when we are finished he would tell me. He never did so technically I'm still going out with him. 3 years later. I've had a few go like that. I just then focus on the ones that are going well. It's one of the reasons I love ENM. There is always somebody else. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve just walked away from my long term fwb, the communication went sour, I got bored, I hate it when that happens so I walk once the talking has been done |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve just walked away from my long term fwb, the communication went sour, I got bored, I hate it when that happens so I walk once the talking has been done "
We had to do the same with our regular fwb.
It was getting too intence with him and possessive.
We unfortunately had to block him in everything.  |
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If in here i don't take too seriously as this is a site where i interchange sex with people with who i have connection and vice versa and as we all know we here because our desires and fantasies saying this also not less important we do make friends in here that we value.
Out from here , i do accept friendship but once i feel those friends are not honest, are manipulators or people who distort the truth, i automatically stop talking or having any kind of aproach with them. I prefer to be called a cold person for not talk to them than to be be a cynic and fake person .
It hurts? Yes it hurts but after sometime i feel much much better not been surrounded by people who doesn't deserve my attention or energy but i don't wish i never wished and i will never wish bad to anyone even to my enemies |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I mean. If I asked her to piss on my cock and she did it once, and now she won’t do it.
Something has changed.
Here’s a generic answer. Nobody has really ever promised me anything here, so I take what’s given and know they can easily change from there side because of loads that could be going on in their real life.
But, if they had promised me anything and this had changed eg, dates of meeting up or ways of having sex, I’d ask why.
I find after time, connections are supposed to grow closer and more settled, if not and it starts to disconnect, I’d probably ask why that is. Communication is everything to me. Experience has shown when someone stops talking or listening they will drift off. Ghosting etc.
But more specifically, I personally only promise what I can and will give. And if I ever thought what type of relationship I wanted with someone had changed, id tell them. As id respect that type of honesty too.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve just walked away from my long term fwb, the communication went sour, I got bored, I hate it when that happens so I walk once the talking has been done
We had to do the same with our regular fwb.
It was getting too intence with him and possessive.
We unfortunately had to block him in everything. "
Yeah I get that
I got the constant asking to see me, am I meeting anyone else, it bores me, I haven’t blocked him on here yet  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve just walked away from my long term fwb, the communication went sour, I got bored, I hate it when that happens so I walk once the talking has been done
We had to do the same with our regular fwb.
It was getting too intence with him and possessive.
We unfortunately had to block him in everything.
Yeah I get that
I got the constant asking to see me, am I meeting anyone else, it bores me, I haven’t blocked him on here yet "
We had to a few times on here because he kept making new profiles shame because he was a really nice guy ,but think he was looking for something more that obviously me being married it was never going to happen |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve just walked away from my long term fwb, the communication went sour, I got bored, I hate it when that happens so I walk once the talking has been done
We had to do the same with our regular fwb.
It was getting too intence with him and possessive.
We unfortunately had to block him in everything.
Yeah I get that
I got the constant asking to see me, am I meeting anyone else, it bores me, I haven’t blocked him on here yet
We had to a few times on here because he kept making new profiles shame because he was a really nice guy ,but think he was looking for something more that obviously me being married it was never going to happen "
Clingy then….. tbh we’ve done this a few times over the years, I’ve known him 10+ years… but I’m done for good now |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve just walked away from my long term fwb, the communication went sour, I got bored, I hate it when that happens so I walk once the talking has been done
We had to do the same with our regular fwb.
It was getting too intence with him and possessive.
We unfortunately had to block him in everything.
Yeah I get that
I got the constant asking to see me, am I meeting anyone else, it bores me, I haven’t blocked him on here yet
We had to a few times on here because he kept making new profiles shame because he was a really nice guy ,but think he was looking for something more that obviously me being married it was never going to happen
Clingy then….. tbh we’ve done this a few times over the years, I’ve known him 10+ years… but I’m done for good now "
That’s a shame when that has to happen.
But I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding another one |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve just walked away from my long term fwb, the communication went sour, I got bored, I hate it when that happens so I walk once the talking has been done
We had to do the same with our regular fwb.
It was getting too intence with him and possessive.
We unfortunately had to block him in everything.
Yeah I get that
I got the constant asking to see me, am I meeting anyone else, it bores me, I haven’t blocked him on here yet
We had to a few times on here because he kept making new profiles shame because he was a really nice guy ,but think he was looking for something more that obviously me being married it was never going to happen
Clingy then….. tbh we’ve done this a few times over the years, I’ve known him 10+ years… but I’m done for good now That’s a shame when that has to happen.
But I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding another one "
Haha I’m not looking for now, just chatting |
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There’s a difference between fleeting contacts and people you hope are going to be around for a while.
With the longer term people, if someone starts to detach I’ll wait and see how it settles. Like others have said, when you very first connect with someone you click with, it can be that bit more involved and that isn’t sustainable.
If it becomes obvious it’s a detachment rather than an evening out, I won’t chase. I’ll just move on and focus on other people who are interested. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"And the things they did, said, sent, promised etc disappear slowly bit by bit.
The connection becomes a slow disconnection, and you can see it happening but they won't even acknowledge it. They may blatantly just be cold or even nasty. Instead of talking to you and saying they want out they wait till it fizzles or even push to break it (like a reverse discard)
What do you do? Do you just walk even when really you don't want to? Do you find it hard to? And what feelings do you have about it and yourself in the process? Does it knock your confidence, leave you feeling like just a body or something else?
Does it suck even more in a swinging site where people often claim to want multiple lovers yet when a new one comes along it becomes quite evident they are more a one person at a time type? Does it then break your trust in people further?
Bit deep I know but I'm curious, as always.
Disclaimer...this is not a me asking for advice post, it's a me asking you the questions post.
"
Some people might think this post is deep but it's just being realistic, it's everywhere, listen to the songs , they're full of a person fucking someone till someone new comes along, it's unbelievable tough for someone that's at the wrong end of everything ie the person that's left behind by the person who goes and fucks another. It's all well and good while its happening but if a guy or a girl wants..and does.
want to fuck others..if a guy does it maybe the girl is devastated IF she has feelings for the guy and the same applies to the guy BUT if both know that each other can fuck who they want when they want everything is ok in that department but the danger of someone getting feelings for the other person is always there .
Great question OP...great question |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Also. This is Fab. Trust is a big deal for me. So I go into things trusting people and there’d honesty.
I read often how people take things at face value here.
But I always am truthful, so when I find people don’t believe a word I say, I can struggle with that. Because I trust their words, it’s their actions that tell me if I was right to or not.
So seeing a change in someone can be an indication if I was right or wrong too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I had a FB for nearly a year, to look at us we were completely different in every possible way but sexually we just clicked.
Not sure if it was his age (16 years younger than me) but he was quite "I don't want you seeing anyone else" and got annoyed if I spoke to other guys, which at the start was quite exciting but as I was looking for something a little more than a quick fuck every now and again, his behaviour towards me seeing or even speaking to other guys got boring. He kept insisting I was the only one he was seeing in all that time but when you meet someone over that length of time, you notice things and the thing that really got me? I didn't care he was seeing other people, he didn't need to pretend to me "I was the only one".
I had to bite the bullet and end it with him recently which made me sad.
Danish x |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"If only so my shovel hands of a friend doesn't get to say "I Told You So".
I'm very similar to this. Very similar. Only I'm not poly. Like you I don't like giving up on people. But I struggle with it greatly when I communicate what I am feeling and seeing but the other person won't communicate back or hear me or acknowledge. I take longer to walk away because I'd rather they understood why I'm going and have a chance to fix it or explain things if they want to, but I just prefer them to know why I'm going. The ice mode mentioned above is a hard place to suddenly go to. Though if they are nasty anger and upset can take me there easily. I've experienced it twice, not just in fab. The second time I walked away and I didn't even explain why I left because the level of nasty from that person turned me straight to ice queen the second it finished coming out of their mouth."
I can understand that completely PW. Really, I do. I'm happy to move to friendships, have done very happily and successfully. The ice mode is quite a cold way of being isn't it? I think there's a point where you do shut down, it's almost a protective mode. For me, like you, it's when things become nasty. Abusive. If me walking can be handled gracefully, I'll leave the door open. If not, I shut down and out.
"You wrote..'I can't cope with lack of honesty. It erodes trust and the dynamic. And it leaves me doubting myself a lot. My confidence dips, I start doubting if people would choose to spend time with me'
That's me too.
I'm already a bit cynical, life hasn't been kind in some respects to prevent that. I struggle with it. But sometimes it serves me well. Its not always a bad thing. But it also means that when I start feeling that pinching more I know I need to walk."
I don't think a bit of cynicism is necessarily a bad thing at all. It can serve you, help keep your peace.
I do find lack of honesty very difficult to process in all honesty. It's about how it's managed which is the most important thing to me. If I can still trust them or there's that effort to rebuild it, I'm able to navigate it with far more grace.
For me personally though? I refuse to become cynical. Even a little bit. I don't want to shut myself off from my happiness. Those days when my confidence has really dipped? I brush myself off again, start doing things that build it up. Focus on people who remind me of joy. Walking away is difficult but reminding yourself you deserve better helps. x |
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Do you remember my “competitive” post from the other day OP?
That’s how I feel.
What do I do? I step back, I’m out, my mindset is as Bad Nanna said “let them have him”.
It’s deep, it hurts, it’s hard.
Hugs x |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"I'm aware of that new relationship energy and that not everyone manages to balance the people that already matter to them during that time.
I usually take a step back and let them know they're welcome to reach out (if they are) when the NRE calms down if they're too wrapped up in the shiny new thing to give me the focus I'm used to getting. Or, if they do handle it well and communicate, just share in their joy and accept a little less time with them than I'm used to while they settle into that new energy."
This is what I try to do...
And as the current partner who is the cause of (and of course experiencing) NRE... I am trying hard to ensure my boyfriend is actually working to make sure his other partners are feeling as connected and his quality time with them is as good as with me...
And my boyfriend is helping make sure my husband isn't suffering too...
The good thing about kitchen table polyamoury I guess, while it's not for everyone it works well for us because it means we all want to support each other |
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"I'm aware of that new relationship energy and that not everyone manages to balance the people that already matter to them during that time.
I usually take a step back and let them know they're welcome to reach out (if they are) when the NRE calms down if they're too wrapped up in the shiny new thing to give me the focus I'm used to getting. Or, if they do handle it well and communicate, just share in their joy and accept a little less time with them than I'm used to while they settle into that new energy.
This is what I try to do...
And as the current partner who is the cause of (and of course experiencing) NRE... I am trying hard to ensure my boyfriend is actually working to make sure his other partners are feeling as connected and his quality time with them is as good as with me...
And my boyfriend is helping make sure my husband isn't suffering too...
The good thing about kitchen table polyamoury I guess, while it's not for everyone it works well for us because it means we all want to support each other "
I like that. I've tried to have similar in the past. I don't think it has ever quite been achieved, but as an ideal I do like it. It feels like a myth but I would love it to be true. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"When the weekly bouquet of seasonal flowers stop arriving at my doorstep, that's when I know I'm no longer her passion of the month."
You get flowers....crikey I'm doing this all wrong! |
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"When the weekly bouquet of seasonal flowers stop arriving at my doorstep, that's when I know I'm no longer her passion of the month.
You get flowers....crikey I'm doing this all wrong! "
I worked with a girl years ago who’s partner up and left her and when they talked it through he said I thought you knew since I stopped buying you flowers every week  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Do you remember my “competitive” post from the other day OP?
That’s how I feel.
What do I do? I step back, I’m out, my mindset is as Bad Nanna said “let them have him”.
It’s deep, it hurts, it’s hard.
Hugs x"
Yes I do, and I can see the link.
I guess I don't feel competitive so I hadn't linked that word to it. But yes I see where you're coming from. You thread is an interesting read. |
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To answer your question OP, if I feel a change in energy I’ll usually call it. It can be tough especially if it’s been fun or if the other person blatantly denies any change, but you have to know your own worth. |
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"When the weekly bouquet of seasonal flowers stop arriving at my doorstep, that's when I know I'm no longer her passion of the month.
·
You get flowers....crikey I'm doing this all wrong! "
•
Ahem, I thought the flowers were from you. |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
Years ago when I was younger I would have stayed and did unfortunately,now I would just walk away if they start acting like that.I learned to have more respect for myself than to let someone treat me badly again.
On here it's about open communication I have found and it can work well if ye are on the same page and truthful with people you meet. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"When the weekly bouquet of seasonal flowers stop arriving at my doorstep, that's when I know I'm no longer her passion of the month.
·
You get flowers....crikey I'm doing this all wrong!
•
Ahem, I thought the flowers were from you. "
Oh shit....sorry got you confused with someone else. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"It’s a difficult one, and entirely depends on the situation and the other person. the agreement if any you had with each other. the length of time you’ve been fb/ fwb. etc.
my biggest thing is communication, and trust. regardless of the type of dynamic.
if that’s broken i’ll ice out faster than the frost forms on a winter day. "
This! |
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For the more casual encounters I may get wistful, disappointed, or even down on myself but accept this is the nature of the "NSA sex" beast so don't feel entitled and ultimately don't entirely care.
With more serious relationships, it's so much harder. I've only one relationship that survived my partner introducing new people, and I'm married to him/live with him so that might have been the safety net there. The fall in attention, lack of availability, lack of consideration was very difficult to swallow. I won't put it all on them, part of the deterioration was because of my abandonment issues, my fears and insecurities creating a vicious circle of stress for all involved.
I stuck it out for years because foolishly I thought things were workable, and of course because I actually loved these people (still love some of them ha). Existing partners never ever posed a "threat", it was always the shifting sands of people coming and going that caused issues. I would at times bitterly withdraw in an attempt to give space, which just allowed them to ignore me more, and later they'd tell me I didn't make my needs clear enough.
One year things came to a head, and a bunch of long-term relationships came to an end one after the other, some were just an affirmation of separate paths and others a self-destroying exercise. After that time, something changed in me and I just don't look to others with the same enthusiasm, hopeful expectation, or tenderness of heart. I don't know if this is something I will or should recover from, or if it's a "healthier" way of being.
On the flip side I am sure I have alienated a few worthy people with my own desire for others/focus on others. I think in all open relationships the notions of loyalty, commitment and dedication are unavoidably challenged, and for a relationship to survive long-term these need to be freshly defined to the satisfaction of those involved. |
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I've had it happen. Reconnected with someone, was having a great time, fulfilled one of his ideas, then one time he just didn't turn up as arranged.
Months later he reappears with a new "outlook" and a partner (despite saying he wasn't looking for that) and in something he'd never expressed an interest in, and we did used to chat about dynamics.
It really hurt, he could have just told me, I would have wished him well. I just blocked, sulked for a bit and moved on. Now I just remember the good times. |
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
The type of personality you're describing sounds like someone with avoidant attatchment style.
And they just don't have the skills or awareness to navigate it well and on line with everyones needs.
Not everyone does non monogomy well. It's a bit of a minefield.
Someone might cope with the fizzle out and just let them go. Maybe adjust to it and create a new dynamic which works for everyone. Or,see it as an opportunity to let go and set a personal boundary.
Others will be triggered and it will feel hurtful and disrespectful and like they've pulled away hard.
I have encountered this a bit and it really helped me to understand a little bit more about attachment styles and good communication.
Sure is shitty if you're the one who didn't want anything to change.
X
|
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By *oxy jWoman
over a year ago
somerset |
theres aline in the sand any emotional bullshit stays on the other side of that line guess its easy being a happy married woman but i really do not want or meet those wh cant control emotional stuff or jealousy for me swinging is stress free fun im exclusive to no one and i dont want them exclusive to me ... if a regular becomes less regular or i get the feeling im backup then its on yer bike and see no more...
to m e my boyfriends are sexual boyfriends and thats its they are friends with me and cuck / hubs there no blurred lines from any off us ... we aint poly
guess we are all so different but swinging is about having fun and nothing else |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"The type of personality you're describing sounds like someone with avoidant attatchment style.
And they just don't have the skills or awareness to navigate it well and on line with everyones needs.
Not everyone does non monogomy well. It's a bit of a minefield.
Someone might cope with the fizzle out and just let them go. Maybe adjust to it and create a new dynamic which works for everyone. Or,see it as an opportunity to let go and set a personal boundary.
Others will be triggered and it will feel hurtful and disrespectful and like they've pulled away hard.
I have encountered this a bit and it really helped me to understand a little bit more about attachment styles and good communication.
Sure is shitty if you're the one who didn't want anything to change.
X
"
Really interesting answer, am I reading right that the person disconnecting/discarding is the one with the avoidant attachment style?
I really should read up on attachment styles a bit more. It's not something I currently factor in....and clearly I should.
|
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
I'm used to it. I'd rather they just pissed off and left me alone, instead of suddenly remembering they haven't spoken to me in a while and do the you OK thing.
It took my husband years to go, and he made my life hell before I gave him the final push.
|
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
"The type of personality you're describing sounds like someone with avoidant attatchment style.
And they just don't have the skills or awareness to navigate it well and on line with everyones needs.
Not everyone does non monogomy well. It's a bit of a minefield.
Someone might cope with the fizzle out and just let them go. Maybe adjust to it and create a new dynamic which works for everyone. Or,see it as an opportunity to let go and set a personal boundary.
Others will be triggered and it will feel hurtful and disrespectful and like they've pulled away hard.
I have encountered this a bit and it really helped me to understand a little bit more about attachment styles and good communication.
Sure is shitty if you're the one who didn't want anything to change.
X
Really interesting answer, am I reading right that the person disconnecting/discarding is the one with the avoidant attachment style?
I really should read up on attachment styles a bit more. It's not something I currently factor in....and clearly I should.
"
Yes it's quite likely that the one pulling away may be a default mechanism due to deep rooted childhood attachment coping strategies. We all have developed them..its normal and natural developmental psychology. So even the more challenging styles are very human responses.
(I'm not validating difficult or bad behaviour but having some understanding might help to alleviate how hard it feels).
It's also possible that other styles may pull away too. If your style is very different, it can be jarring to experience another.
But if you do some reading beware.. There are some trashy interpretations/articles which are 'magazine' style. A little black and white and shallow.
Go for the ones that are grounded in sound psychology and attachment theory. Non judgemental and informative.
For me, once I did some work around this, it created a more peaceful route to understanding partners behaviours.. and I am more able to get clear about my own style and role in my relationships, whatever they might be. Take responsibility and also create good clear boundaries with compassion when coming across challenging behaviour.
I don't know this person and definitely don't want to play amateur psychotherapist on them. But your post made me think of all of this perhaps being useful.
|
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"The type of personality you're describing sounds like someone with avoidant attatchment style.
And they just don't have the skills or awareness to navigate it well and on line with everyones needs.
Not everyone does non monogomy well. It's a bit of a minefield.
Someone might cope with the fizzle out and just let them go. Maybe adjust to it and create a new dynamic which works for everyone. Or,see it as an opportunity to let go and set a personal boundary.
Others will be triggered and it will feel hurtful and disrespectful and like they've pulled away hard.
I have encountered this a bit and it really helped me to understand a little bit more about attachment styles and good communication.
Sure is shitty if you're the one who didn't want anything to change.
X
Really interesting answer, am I reading right that the person disconnecting/discarding is the one with the avoidant attachment style?
I really should read up on attachment styles a bit more. It's not something I currently factor in....and clearly I should.
Yes it's quite likely that the one pulling away may be a default mechanism due to deep rooted childhood attachment coping strategies. We all have developed them..its normal and natural developmental psychology. So even the more challenging styles are very human responses.
(I'm not validating difficult or bad behaviour but having some understanding might help to alleviate how hard it feels).
It's also possible that other styles may pull away too. If your style is very different, it can be jarring to experience another.
But if you do some reading beware.. There are some trashy interpretations/articles which are 'magazine' style. A little black and white and shallow.
Go for the ones that are grounded in sound psychology and attachment theory. Non judgemental and informative.
For me, once I did some work around this, it created a more peaceful route to understanding partners behaviours.. and I am more able to get clear about my own style and role in my relationships, whatever they might be. Take responsibility and also create good clear boundaries with compassion when coming across challenging behaviour.
I don't know this person and definitely don't want to play amateur psychotherapist on them. But your post made me think of all of this perhaps being useful.
"
This this and this.
There are also online tests you can do.
I have some avoidant tendencies. I was on a course quite recently and almost everyone on that course had some level of avoidant or dependent attachment style. A purely secure attachment style is quite rare. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I set my ass to freeze ice mode.
I wrap my seething wrath of self righteous anger around my like a shield.
Then go fuck someone else.
Do you find it hard to do this though if you particularly like them or get a lot from your normal dynamic with them?
Do you try to communicate what you're feeling first or do you just go ice mode?"
Definitely straight to ice mode (love that description), self preservation, having self worth and knowing for every one that has cooled on you, another exciting adventure awaits.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"The type of personality you're describing sounds like someone with avoidant attatchment style.
And they just don't have the skills or awareness to navigate it well and on line with everyones needs.
Not everyone does non monogomy well. It's a bit of a minefield.
Someone might cope with the fizzle out and just let them go. Maybe adjust to it and create a new dynamic which works for everyone. Or,see it as an opportunity to let go and set a personal boundary.
Others will be triggered and it will feel hurtful and disrespectful and like they've pulled away hard.
I have encountered this a bit and it really helped me to understand a little bit more about attachment styles and good communication.
Sure is shitty if you're the one who didn't want anything to change.
X
Really interesting answer, am I reading right that the person disconnecting/discarding is the one with the avoidant attachment style?
I really should read up on attachment styles a bit more. It's not something I currently factor in....and clearly I should.
Yes it's quite likely that the one pulling away may be a default mechanism due to deep rooted childhood attachment coping strategies. We all have developed them..its normal and natural developmental psychology. So even the more challenging styles are very human responses.
(I'm not validating difficult or bad behaviour but having some understanding might help to alleviate how hard it feels).
It's also possible that other styles may pull away too. If your style is very different, it can be jarring to experience another.
But if you do some reading beware.. There are some trashy interpretations/articles which are 'magazine' style. A little black and white and shallow.
Go for the ones that are grounded in sound psychology and attachment theory. Non judgemental and informative.
For me, once I did some work around this, it created a more peaceful route to understanding partners behaviours.. and I am more able to get clear about my own style and role in my relationships, whatever they might be. Take responsibility and also create good clear boundaries with compassion when coming across challenging behaviour.
I don't know this person and definitely don't want to play amateur psychotherapist on them. But your post made me think of all of this perhaps being useful.
"
Thank you.
I'm definitely going to explore this a little more. |
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By *mf123Man
over a year ago
with one foot out the door |
I stay well away from any emotionso dont find myself in thar place of loss it almost became my end once better to stay far away from that kind of thing as it only leads to pain in the end |
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"The type of personality you're describing sounds like someone with avoidant attatchment style.
And they just don't have the skills or awareness to navigate it well and on line with everyones needs.
Not everyone does non monogomy well. It's a bit of a minefield.
Someone might cope with the fizzle out and just let them go. Maybe adjust to it and create a new dynamic which works for everyone. Or,see it as an opportunity to let go and set a personal boundary.
Others will be triggered and it will feel hurtful and disrespectful and like they've pulled away hard.
I have encountered this a bit and it really helped me to understand a little bit more about attachment styles and good communication.
Sure is shitty if you're the one who didn't want anything to change.
X
Really interesting answer, am I reading right that the person disconnecting/discarding is the one with the avoidant attachment style?
I really should read up on attachment styles a bit more. It's not something I currently factor in....and clearly I should.
Yes it's quite likely that the one pulling away may be a default mechanism due to deep rooted childhood attachment coping strategies. We all have developed them..its normal and natural developmental psychology. So even the more challenging styles are very human responses.
(I'm not validating difficult or bad behaviour but having some understanding might help to alleviate how hard it feels).
It's also possible that other styles may pull away too. If your style is very different, it can be jarring to experience another.
But if you do some reading beware.. There are some trashy interpretations/articles which are 'magazine' style. A little black and white and shallow.
Go for the ones that are grounded in sound psychology and attachment theory. Non judgemental and informative.
For me, once I did some work around this, it created a more peaceful route to understanding partners behaviours.. and I am more able to get clear about my own style and role in my relationships, whatever they might be. Take responsibility and also create good clear boundaries with compassion when coming across challenging behaviour.
I don't know this person and definitely don't want to play amateur psychotherapist on them. But your post made me think of all of this perhaps being useful.
"
I'm very sorry, this is not a criticism of you but of attachment theory. Fab seems to have an unhealthy obsession with psychoanalysis in general even though most of it is blatantly unscientific and disproven. As the resident skeptic, I should link its criticism by a renowned Harvard psychologist: https://www.fatherly.com/health/attachment-theory-wrong-attachment-styles-dont-matter
"what happens to you in the first year or two of life has an effect, but it’s tiny. If I take a 1-year-old child who is securely attached, and the parents die and the child is adopted by a cruel foster parent, that child is in trouble. Their secure attachment is useless. When you think about it, it’s silly that after the first year you could predict with any confidence what this person is going to be like in 20 years. It’s a ridiculous idea." |
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
"The type of personality you're describing sounds like someone with avoidant attatchment style.
And they just don't have the skills or awareness to navigate it well and on line with everyones needs.
Not everyone does non monogomy well. It's a bit of a minefield.
Someone might cope with the fizzle out and just let them go. Maybe adjust to it and create a new dynamic which works for everyone. Or,see it as an opportunity to let go and set a personal boundary.
Others will be triggered and it will feel hurtful and disrespectful and like they've pulled away hard.
I have encountered this a bit and it really helped me to understand a little bit more about attachment styles and good communication.
Sure is shitty if you're the one who didn't want anything to change.
X
Really interesting answer, am I reading right that the person disconnecting/discarding is the one with the avoidant attachment style?
I really should read up on attachment styles a bit more. It's not something I currently factor in....and clearly I should.
Yes it's quite likely that the one pulling away may be a default mechanism due to deep rooted childhood attachment coping strategies. We all have developed them..its normal and natural developmental psychology. So even the more challenging styles are very human responses.
(I'm not validating difficult or bad behaviour but having some understanding might help to alleviate how hard it feels).
It's also possible that other styles may pull away too. If your style is very different, it can be jarring to experience another.
But if you do some reading beware.. There are some trashy interpretations/articles which are 'magazine' style. A little black and white and shallow.
Go for the ones that are grounded in sound psychology and attachment theory. Non judgemental and informative.
For me, once I did some work around this, it created a more peaceful route to understanding partners behaviours.. and I am more able to get clear about my own style and role in my relationships, whatever they might be. Take responsibility and also create good clear boundaries with compassion when coming across challenging behaviour.
I don't know this person and definitely don't want to play amateur psychotherapist on them. But your post made me think of all of this perhaps being useful.
I'm very sorry, this is not a criticism of you but of attachment theory. Fab seems to have an unhealthy obsession with psychoanalysis in general even though most of it is blatantly unscientific and disproven. As the resident skeptic, I should link its criticism by a renowned Harvard psychologist: https://www.fatherly.com/health/attachment-theory-wrong-attachment-styles-dont-matter
"what happens to you in the first year or two of life has an effect, but it’s tiny. If I take a 1-year-old child who is securely attached, and the parents die and the child is adopted by a cruel foster parent, that child is in trouble. Their secure attachment is useless. When you think about it, it’s silly that after the first year you could predict with any confidence what this person is going to be like in 20 years. It’s a ridiculous idea.""
I hear ya. Not taking it personally thanks.
I don't think it's as simple as that either. That's not what I'm saying. Psychotherapists I have worked with also agree it's not so black and white. It's not about prediction. Nor is it only simply about the first one or two years of life. It's not definitive or perscriptive or diagnostic and can be in flux over time and differ from person to person.
I think there is loads of interesting research but it's too late for my brain cells to be bothered to seek any out. People can do their own delving and get things right for them if they want.
I don't think it's unhealthy to be inquisitive about our own human nature. It's a good thing to
look at how we function in our relationships, for me .. Simply learning about how we are wired.
The forum is here for all sorts of discussions to take or leave.
Bed for me now though.
Night x
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It only affects me if I have feelings for that person. I can have Fb’s and not care if they move on or have other partners but romantically when I really like someone I only lien them and would only sleep with them and I’d be hurt if they moved on to someone else. In that case I do leave them to it as what can I do about it? They don’t want me anymore and that won’t change. I just hurt for a while until it doesn’t anymore. |
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"The type of personality you're describing sounds like someone with avoidant attatchment style.
And they just don't have the skills or awareness to navigate it well and on line with everyones needs.
Not everyone does non monogomy well. It's a bit of a minefield.
Someone might cope with the fizzle out and just let them go. Maybe adjust to it and create a new dynamic which works for everyone. Or,see it as an opportunity to let go and set a personal boundary.
Others will be triggered and it will feel hurtful and disrespectful and like they've pulled away hard.
I have encountered this a bit and it really helped me to understand a little bit more about attachment styles and good communication.
Sure is shitty if you're the one who didn't want anything to change.
X
Really interesting answer, am I reading right that the person disconnecting/discarding is the one with the avoidant attachment style?
I really should read up on attachment styles a bit more. It's not something I currently factor in....and clearly I should.
Yes it's quite likely that the one pulling away may be a default mechanism due to deep rooted childhood attachment coping strategies. We all have developed them..its normal and natural developmental psychology. So even the more challenging styles are very human responses.
(I'm not validating difficult or bad behaviour but having some understanding might help to alleviate how hard it feels).
It's also possible that other styles may pull away too. If your style is very different, it can be jarring to experience another.
But if you do some reading beware.. There are some trashy interpretations/articles which are 'magazine' style. A little black and white and shallow.
Go for the ones that are grounded in sound psychology and attachment theory. Non judgemental and informative.
For me, once I did some work around this, it created a more peaceful route to understanding partners behaviours.. and I am more able to get clear about my own style and role in my relationships, whatever they might be. Take responsibility and also create good clear boundaries with compassion when coming across challenging behaviour.
I don't know this person and definitely don't want to play amateur psychotherapist on them. But your post made me think of all of this perhaps being useful.
I'm very sorry, this is not a criticism of you but of attachment theory. Fab seems to have an unhealthy obsession with psychoanalysis in general even though most of it is blatantly unscientific and disproven. As the resident skeptic, I should link its criticism by a renowned Harvard psychologist: https://www.fatherly.com/health/attachment-theory-wrong-attachment-styles-dont-matter
"what happens to you in the first year or two of life has an effect, but it’s tiny. If I take a 1-year-old child who is securely attached, and the parents die and the child is adopted by a cruel foster parent, that child is in trouble. Their secure attachment is useless. When you think about it, it’s silly that after the first year you could predict with any confidence what this person is going to be like in 20 years. It’s a ridiculous idea.""
Your statement about the initial theory carrying that much impact into adulthood from infancy is absolutely valid. It is not in modern usage considered to have the same lasting impact. Well by most. It has had been advanced since. I am not it's greatest advocate myself, but I would contend that it does have functional value. It is simply not a complete picture of attachment, but we don't have a complete picture yet either? Should we ignore it?
It is not intended to give a complete explanation. It is intended to give people a way of understanding how they form attachments and deal with relationships. It's important to remember that the tests are generally done as adults. It initiates reflection on how we behave and interact.
I understand the skepticism scientifically. But also I hark back to our discussion about consciousness? It is not an exact science we are dealing with fundamentally?
If it leads to caregivers understanding the needs of children better. And those children achieving better outcomes. Would you not consider it a worthwhile endeavour?
https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-health-development/attachment-early-years |
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"The type of personality you're describing sounds like someone with avoidant attatchment style.
And they just don't have the skills or awareness to navigate it well and on line with everyones needs.
Not everyone does non monogomy well. It's a bit of a minefield.
Someone might cope with the fizzle out and just let them go. Maybe adjust to it and create a new dynamic which works for everyone. Or,see it as an opportunity to let go and set a personal boundary.
Others will be triggered and it will feel hurtful and disrespectful and like they've pulled away hard.
I have encountered this a bit and it really helped me to understand a little bit more about attachment styles and good communication.
Sure is shitty if you're the one who didn't want anything to change.
X
Really interesting answer, am I reading right that the person disconnecting/discarding is the one with the avoidant attachment style?
I really should read up on attachment styles a bit more. It's not something I currently factor in....and clearly I should.
Yes it's quite likely that the one pulling away may be a default mechanism due to deep rooted childhood attachment coping strategies. We all have developed them..its normal and natural developmental psychology. So even the more challenging styles are very human responses.
(I'm not validating difficult or bad behaviour but having some understanding might help to alleviate how hard it feels).
It's also possible that other styles may pull away too. If your style is very different, it can be jarring to experience another.
But if you do some reading beware.. There are some trashy interpretations/articles which are 'magazine' style. A little black and white and shallow.
Go for the ones that are grounded in sound psychology and attachment theory. Non judgemental and informative.
For me, once I did some work around this, it created a more peaceful route to understanding partners behaviours.. and I am more able to get clear about my own style and role in my relationships, whatever they might be. Take responsibility and also create good clear boundaries with compassion when coming across challenging behaviour.
I don't know this person and definitely don't want to play amateur psychotherapist on them. But your post made me think of all of this perhaps being useful.
I'm very sorry, this is not a criticism of you but of attachment theory. Fab seems to have an unhealthy obsession with psychoanalysis in general even though most of it is blatantly unscientific and disproven. As the resident skeptic, I should link its criticism by a renowned Harvard psychologist: https://www.fatherly.com/health/attachment-theory-wrong-attachment-styles-dont-matter
"what happens to you in the first year or two of life has an effect, but it’s tiny. If I take a 1-year-old child who is securely attached, and the parents die and the child is adopted by a cruel foster parent, that child is in trouble. Their secure attachment is useless. When you think about it, it’s silly that after the first year you could predict with any confidence what this person is going to be like in 20 years. It’s a ridiculous idea."
I hear ya. Not taking it personally thanks.
I don't think it's as simple as that either. That's not what I'm saying. Psychotherapists I have worked with also agree it's not so black and white. It's not about prediction. Nor is it only simply about the first one or two years of life. It's not definitive or perscriptive or diagnostic and can be in flux over time and differ from person to person.
I think there is loads of interesting research but it's too late for my brain cells to be bothered to seek any out. People can do their own delving and get things right for them if they want.
I don't think it's unhealthy to be inquisitive about our own human nature. It's a good thing to
look at how we function in our relationships, for me .. Simply learning about how we are wired.
The forum is here for all sorts of discussions to take or leave.
Bed for me now though.
Night x
"
Thanks.
Psychotherapy is a *very* broad term - do you mean people practising scientific therapies like CBT or people who use psychoanalytic/psychodynamic approaches? If the latter, then of course they'll defend anything in their domain. The article I linked to talks about 'attachment' tests for adults as well and how they're as flawed as the ones for children (which was the original theory). At least they're accepting the initial formulation was completely wrong.
No, it's not unhealthy at all - psychology is good, I completely agree with you on that. My issue is when people conflate psychoanalysis with psychology - it's like astrology and astronomy - just because both words have the same prefix, doesn't mean they're equally valid! Of course, people can take what they want - I'm just offering the view that 'hey, I know this sounds interesting and intuitive but it's complete bs' |
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"The type of personality you're describing sounds like someone with avoidant attatchment style.
And they just don't have the skills or awareness to navigate it well and on line with everyones needs.
Not everyone does non monogomy well. It's a bit of a minefield.
Someone might cope with the fizzle out and just let them go. Maybe adjust to it and create a new dynamic which works for everyone. Or,see it as an opportunity to let go and set a personal boundary.
Others will be triggered and it will feel hurtful and disrespectful and like they've pulled away hard.
I have encountered this a bit and it really helped me to understand a little bit more about attachment styles and good communication.
Sure is shitty if you're the one who didn't want anything to change.
X
Really interesting answer, am I reading right that the person disconnecting/discarding is the one with the avoidant attachment style?
I really should read up on attachment styles a bit more. It's not something I currently factor in....and clearly I should.
"
If you're bored on an evening browse Heidi Priebe on YouTube for some clear straight-forward content on this subject.
duke what's your star sign?   |
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"The type of personality you're describing sounds like someone with avoidant attatchment style.
And they just don't have the skills or awareness to navigate it well and on line with everyones needs.
Not everyone does non monogomy well. It's a bit of a minefield.
Someone might cope with the fizzle out and just let them go. Maybe adjust to it and create a new dynamic which works for everyone. Or,see it as an opportunity to let go and set a personal boundary.
Others will be triggered and it will feel hurtful and disrespectful and like they've pulled away hard.
I have encountered this a bit and it really helped me to understand a little bit more about attachment styles and good communication.
Sure is shitty if you're the one who didn't want anything to change.
X
Really interesting answer, am I reading right that the person disconnecting/discarding is the one with the avoidant attachment style?
I really should read up on attachment styles a bit more. It's not something I currently factor in....and clearly I should.
If you're bored on an evening browse Heidi Priebe on YouTube for some clear straight-forward content on this subject.
duke what's your star sign? "
I'm right on the Aquarius-Pisces cusp - just because I don't believe in it doesn't mean I don't enjoy the occasional hilarious horoscope! A website named 'Trusted Astrology' has given us the fancy title of 'The Heartbreakers of the Zodiac'!
https://trusted-astrology.com/aquarius-pisces-cusp/
It's my new profile title - the old one was boring, so thank you for helping me with that. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
I think NRE is quite hard to manage sometimes. I posted the thread awhile back about in general to do your friends become lovers, or your lovers become friends. I think it makes a big difference when you are Poly and someone new comes along, generally my lovers become friends, strength of a friendship, determines, what will the weather |
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"And the things they did, said, sent, promised etc disappear slowly bit by bit.
The connection becomes a slow disconnection, and you can see it happening but they won't even acknowledge it. They may blatantly just be cold or even nasty. Instead of talking to you and saying they want out they wait till it fizzles or even push to break it (like a reverse discard)
What do you do? Do you just walk even when really you don't want to? Do you find it hard to? And what feelings do you have about it and yourself in the process? Does it knock your confidence, leave you feeling like just a body or something else?
Does it suck even more in a swinging site where people often claim to want multiple lovers yet when a new one comes along it becomes quite evident they are more a one person at a time type? Does it then break your trust in people further?
Bit deep I know but I'm curious, as always.
Disclaimer...this is not a me asking for advice post, it's a me asking you the questions post.
"
well, I’m a cuck without my queen. I’m one of those rare people who gets excited to be part of a partners sexual journey with enough confidence to do none monogamy within a loving and secure relationship. People just don’t talk enough and end up where they end up, some people over stay their welcome in a relationship, some people are too insecure to leave a relationship. It comes down to comparability, honesty and dialogue in my humble opinion. |
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I'm happy for lovers to have other lovers - the thought of them enjoying themselves gives me joy. I struggle when it disrupts the normal rhythm of their communication with me. I have a horror of pushing myself in where I'm not wanted, so as soon as messaging tails off and we don't see each other as often as usual I start questioning whether I'm making a nuisance of myself by initiating unwelcome conversations. |
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