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Demisexual and swinging
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So a demisexual is a person who experiences sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
So in a swinging world where many express that they would struggle with their partner having an emotional connection with another, how does this work? Are demisexuals going to have a harder time in the swinging world because of the connection they naturally need? Will they experience jealousy from others more often than other sexualities? Maybe face accusations of being in love with someone else if one or both people aren't familiar with the demisexual sexuality?
Could you be with demisexual and swing?
Do you think you've ever been with a demisexual and not realised or known the term? |
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"So a demisexual is a person who experiences sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
So in a swinging world where many express that they would struggle with their partner having an emotional connection with another, how does this work? Are demisexuals going to have a harder time in the swinging world because of the connection they naturally need? Will they experience jealousy from others more often than other sexualities? Maybe face accusations of being in love with someone else if one or both people aren't familiar with the demisexual sexuality?
Could you be with demisexual and swing?
Do you think you've ever been with a demisexual and not realised or known the term?"
Guess much hinges on how to define swinging. I've seen somebody here before who says they are demisexual and then seems to have the ocassional one on one meet. Can't really see how that differs from normal life and sexual experience that most of us have at some point. Must admit the term confuses me a little and seems a bit redundant. |
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I wouldn't say I'm dimsexual although have considered it in the past, I definitely need more than a pretty face, I need some kind of connection but not an emotional connection, I need to be able to be friendly, feel comfortable, relax and be able to laugh have that attraction and for me attraction only comes with the personality.
I've never been someone who can look at anyone and think I want to fuck them, my mind doesn't work that way, I can think someone is hot but I'm a visual sense only the desire to have sex doesn't come at that point.
I'd probably describe myself as sexually awkward 
I do think dimsexual people could do well on fab however if in a couple it maybe tricky for the other half, I know I couldn't emotionally share my man, sex is sex, the rest is ours.
Mrs |
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I definitely identify as more poly than swing.
There's the occasional indulgence in empty hedonism, and it's fun for fun's sake for sure. But I'm much more invested in building actual connections. And honestly I already have enough of those, so I'm basically never seeking. |
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By *ruceyyMan
over a year ago
London |
"So a demisexual is a person who experiences sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
So in a swinging world where many express that they would struggle with their partner having an emotional connection with another, how does this work? Are demisexuals going to have a harder time in the swinging world because of the connection they naturally need? Will they experience jealousy from others more often than other sexualities? Maybe face accusations of being in love with someone else if one or both people aren't familiar with the demisexual sexuality?
Could you be with demisexual and swing?
Do you think you've ever been with a demisexual and not realised or known the term?"
Interesting post PW.
I've worked with demisexuals before (not sexually) and actually asked some this very same question. Ultimately according to the ones I asked, emotional connection doesn't mean you have to be IN LOVE with them, just that their personality is what makes them sexy to you. Of course they still like attractive looks etc, they just won't have sex with people based on that.
So ultimately it's not so different from here where people need to get along and really like the persons personality before actually having sex with them. It doesn't mean holding hands and being some form of bf/gf is required. Just that they have to CARE somewhat about the person before having sex with them. |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
As with most sexuality labels it's a spectrum and has crossovers and overlaps.
I'm demisexual, but I don't need a strong emotional bond. I need a good connection though. I can be physically attracted, strongly at times, but that doesn't mean I'm easily aroused by them or aching to have sex with them on that alone. I'll flirt and let my feelings on my attraction to them be known but ain't no sexy stuff happening unless there is a level of friendship in there. Again, doesn't have to be best friends, but a bond we mutually share.
Something close to friends with benefits. The more connected and bonded I am to somebody the greater the desire for them sexually. |
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I liked Brucey’s explanation there. That was good.
.
"Just that they have to CARE somewhat about the person before having sex with them."
See, I don’t *need* to have this, but I like to. I much prefer it.
Does that make me semidemisexual? |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"I liked Brucey’s explanation there. That was good.
.
Just that they have to CARE somewhat about the person before having sex with them.
See, I don’t *need* to have this, but I like to. I much prefer it.
Does that make me semidemisexual?"
No. It makes you a person who likes to care about those you have sex with. Like when people say they're a little bit autistic. It's a no.
And **** that sounds harsh and I'm not gatekeeping demisexuality but... no.:D |
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By *ruceyyMan
over a year ago
London |
"I liked Brucey’s explanation there. That was good.
.
Just that they have to CARE somewhat about the person before having sex with them.
See, I don’t *need* to have this, but I like to. I much prefer it.
Does that make me semidemisexual?"
That's also me. I much prefer it but have I had sex with people who I didn't really like because despite not liking each other we were horny and found each other physically attractive? Yes. So I'm not labelling myself demisexual. |
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By *ingpot!Man
over a year ago
West Cork |
Interesting thread OP!
I've often struggled with a bit of envy at the people who don't need a connection to enjoy a meet.. my wife is one of them whereas I'm much farther down the spectrum toward demi.
My connection with her is what does it for me in our group play but for solo meets, I'm just not attracted without a fairly significant rapport, if not more.
I think ENM is beautiful, and poly relationships as well when they work   |
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My partner fits the description and this is one of the reasons we've stopped meeting. Easy enough to arrange adequate getting-to-know-you when one-on-one but the kind of pace he requires just isn't practical when engaging another couple. Never an issue with feelings or jealousy though, it's still casual sex, he just needs to know and like the people involved. He would never, ever have anonymous sex, and has zero interest in attractive strangers.
I do agree with the opinion above that it is a bit of a superfluous definition. It's like saying "I don't want it until I want it", I guess only needed if the assumed default is that everyone should want it straight up. Spontaneous desire is a fantasy we've certainly been spoon fed. |
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By *ruceyyMan
over a year ago
London |
"My partner fits the description and this is one of the reasons we've stopped meeting. Easy enough to arrange adequate getting-to-know-you when one-on-one but the kind of pace he requires just isn't practical when engaging another couple. Never an issue with feelings or jealousy though, it's still casual sex, he just needs to know and like the people involved. He would never, ever have anonymous sex, and has zero interest in attractive strangers.
I do agree with the opinion above that it is a bit of a superfluous definition. It's like saying "I don't want it until I want it", I guess only needed if the assumed default is that everyone should want it straight up. Spontaneous desire is a fantasy we've certainly been spoon fed."
Ah damn it did I miss out?! FFS!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Interesting thread OP!
I've often struggled with a bit of envy at the people who don't need a connection to enjoy a meet.. my wife is one of them whereas I'm much farther down the spectrum toward demi.
My connection with her is what does it for me in our group play but for solo meets, I'm just not attracted without a fairly significant rapport, if not more.
I think ENM is beautiful, and poly relationships as well when they work "
Well said! |
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I am demisexual. It is not a choice it is an inherent aspect of my sexuality.
I had a partner for 18 years, who was not demisexual and we got into swinging together as a couple.
I also have recently met someone who is also demisexual. I think this is probably the first time I have had such a relationship and I am already learning quite a lot about myself.
Yes I have a harder time in the swinging world as a single person. As a couple who play together it was no issue. I know the desire will be there. If I went to a club on my own, it would be the hope to get to know someone interesting rather than have sex.
I have a slight issue with the term jealousy in this context. I am not saying it is wrong, I think there's a more nuanced consideration necessary when you are with a partner. It can be used dismissively in my opinion. It is a big expectation to share emotional connection. 13+ years of swinging demonstrated to us that swingers are often far more comfortable sharing sex than emotional connection.
Qutoation from my partner:
"I have no issues at all with you fucking her. I want you to, it turns me on. I want to fuck her. It's the affection between you, when you kiss my skin crawls and I want to rip her eyes out. I know it is jealous, but that's who I am, I am territorial. I trust you I have no issue with you seeing her, but it will be without me. Trust me she is not going to have a problem with that."
So yes I think it can lead to more jealousy, because emotional connection is more threatening than sex to a relationship, for most people? That seems to be my experience. |
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"As with most sexuality labels it's a spectrum and has crossovers and overlaps.
I'm demisexual, but I don't need a strong emotional bond. I need a good connection though. I can be physically attracted, strongly at times, but that doesn't mean I'm easily aroused by them or aching to have sex with them on that alone. I'll flirt and let my feelings on my attraction to them be known but ain't no sexy stuff happening unless there is a level of friendship in there. Again, doesn't have to be best friends, but a bond we mutually share.
Something close to friends with benefits. The more connected and bonded I am to somebody the greater the desire for them sexually. "
I resonated with much of this. I find it the same as sapiosexual for me. I can be attracted to someone on a purely physical level but to make the sex really good I need an emotional and intellectual bond |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it could work in polyamory. All partners are emotionally connected in a relationship with each other. Also in friends with benefits situations as you usually have built up a friendship so you’re not strangers. Im sure there are people who chat and get to know other couples and make friends before they meet not just a few messages. I am not a swinger and I am more demi than not. I don’t find people immediately sexually attractive based on looks or little communication. |
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"I think it could work in polyamory. All partners are emotionally connected in a relationship with each other. Also in friends with benefits situations as you usually have built up a friendship so you’re not strangers. Im sure there are people who chat and get to know other couples and make friends before they meet not just a few messages. I am not a swinger and I am more demi than not. I don’t find people immediately sexually attractive based on looks or little communication. "
I wonder if sometimes it's just something that many people 'become' as they start to find more casual encounters less appealing or fulfilling |
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I definitely prefer an emotional connection. It does t need to be any deeper that a mate. I’ve developed sexual feelings for someone based on a connection. If I had bypassed that person based on looks then I would have missed out massively. There is a certain truth in laughing someone into bed.
That’s not to say I can’t or haven’t in the past had a purely lustful ONS based on pure physical attraction. It’s nowhere near as satisfying to me though. |
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By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Dorchester |
"So a demisexual is a person who experiences sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
So in a swinging world where many express that they would struggle with their partner having an emotional connection with another, how does this work? Are demisexuals going to have a harder time in the swinging world because of the connection they naturally need? Will they experience jealousy from others more often than other sexualities? Maybe face accusations of being in love with someone else if one or both people aren't familiar with the demisexual sexuality?
Could you be with demisexual and swing?
Do you think you've ever been with a demisexual and not realised or known the term?"
Its just a label in the right circumstances anyone could feel jealous even people who say they're not  |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
Most Jewish and Arabic women I know would fit this description but not identify with the term. Looks and sexual attraction are way down the list when dating but sexual attraction comes after respect and trust.
I don’t think denisexual as need an emotional connection at all , they simply don’t put much emphasis on primary attraction
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"I think it could work in polyamory. All partners are emotionally connected in a relationship with each other. Also in friends with benefits situations as you usually have built up a friendship so you’re not strangers. Im sure there are people who chat and get to know other couples and make friends before they meet not just a few messages. I am not a swinger and I am more demi than not. I don’t find people immediately sexually attractive based on looks or little communication.
I wonder if sometimes it's just something that many people 'become' as they start to find more casual encounters less appealing or fulfilling "
I have wondered about this. I can only speak for myself of course. I firmly believe that it is inherent for me. I've had too many instances of women being completely confused and sometimes pissed off with me for not wanting sex, when they are ready for it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Most Jewish and Arabic women I know would fit this description but not identify with the term. Looks and sexual attraction are way down the list when dating but sexual attraction comes after respect and trust.
I don’t think denisexual as need an emotional connection at all , they simply don’t put much emphasis on primary attraction
"
Isn't it up to demisexuals to say what they need? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am demisexual. It is not a choice it is an inherent aspect of my sexuality.
I had a partner for 18 years, who was not demisexual and we got into swinging together as a couple.
I also have recently met someone who is also demisexual. I think this is probably the first time I have had such a relationship and I am already learning quite a lot about myself.
Yes I have a harder time in the swinging world as a single person. As a couple who play together it was no issue. I know the desire will be there. If I went to a club on my own, it would be the hope to get to know someone interesting rather than have sex.
I have a slight issue with the term jealousy in this context. I am not saying it is wrong, I think there's a more nuanced consideration necessary when you are with a partner. It can be used dismissively in my opinion. It is a big expectation to share emotional connection. 13+ years of swinging demonstrated to us that swingers are often far more comfortable sharing sex than emotional connection.
Qutoation from my partner:
"I have no issues at all with you fucking her. I want you to, it turns me on. I want to fuck her. It's the affection between you, when you kiss my skin crawls and I want to rip her eyes out. I know it is jealous, but that's who I am, I am territorial. I trust you I have no issue with you seeing her, but it will be without me. Trust me she is not going to have a problem with that."
So yes I think it can lead to more jealousy, because emotional connection is more threatening than sex to a relationship, for most people? That seems to be my experience."
Did you fuck the woman that the quote refers to? |
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"Most Jewish and Arabic women I know would fit this description but not identify with the term. Looks and sexual attraction are way down the list when dating but sexual attraction comes after respect and trust.
I don’t think denisexual as need an emotional connection at all , they simply don’t put much emphasis on primary attraction
Isn't it up to demisexuals to say what they need?"
I think opinions will vary on that one amongst demisexuals.
It is one aspect of sexuality that intersects with many others. I think my kink challenges the most prominent misudnerstandings around demisexuality: being that is another way of saying romantic or 'vanilla' or seeking love.
I need a level of intimacy that feels authentic. I don't need consumate love to have sex. And it's not all I need, 'primary attraction' isn't guaranteed just because that's there. I don't want to fuck all my friends. |
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By *unchalMan
over a year ago
Dartford |
"So a demisexual is a person who experiences sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
So in a swinging world where many express that they would struggle with their partner having an emotional connection with another, how does this work? Are demisexuals going to have a harder time in the swinging world because of the connection they naturally need? Will they experience jealousy from others more often than other sexualities? Maybe face accusations of being in love with someone else if one or both people aren't familiar with the demisexual sexuality?
Could you be with demisexual and swing?
Do you think you've ever been with a demisexual and not realised or known the term?"
Demisexual? Is that for people on a sex site who doesn't want to have sex? |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"So a demisexual is a person who experiences sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
So in a swinging world where many express that they would struggle with their partner having an emotional connection with another, how does this work? Are demisexuals going to have a harder time in the swinging world because of the connection they naturally need? Will they experience jealousy from others more often than other sexualities? Maybe face accusations of being in love with someone else if one or both people aren't familiar with the demisexual sexuality?
Could you be with demisexual and swing?
Do you think you've ever been with a demisexual and not realised or known the term?"
I wouldn't class myself as that or any other particular label.
I just have to like on some level anyone I get physical with. With some that will be on more of a friendship level as well as just physical, for others it'll be simply someone I've learnt enough about to know we sing from the same hymn sheet, rather than just another person looking for a purely physical encounter with zero need for any mental connection.
As for any concerns that anyone I meet is meeting others? None whatsoever. That's pretty much to be expected. If they are that's their business, not mine. If they're not? Likewise. |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
"I think the swinging community is the opposite of what a demisexual wants and they would probably not be interested "
Is it? Swinging isn't just about strangers or sex with any random stranger, it's partner swapping for the most part.
No part of demisexual goes against that. Demisexual doesn't mean exclusive partner either.
As a demi sexual I can have sex with somebody I'm connected to, I can also be okay with my partner (if I had one) have sex with somebody else, I can also have sex with that person's partner if I have a connection with them. It's still swinging. It's still partner swapping. I'm just much more limited and specific in a connection. |
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When topics like this are discussed, I find it interesting that it's usually in such a binary way.
Indulging in casual sex doesn't have to involve just 'fucking a stranger ' without any kind of chat as a prelude to that |
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"
Did you fuck the woman that the quote refers to?"
That's an interesting thing to focus on. I did actually, my partner was very keen for me to do so. She had a compersion element and a jealousy element going. She wanted me to, it was her idea, she just didn't want to be in the room. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So a demisexual is a person who experiences sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
So in a swinging world where many express that they would struggle with their partner having an emotional connection with another, how does this work? Are demisexuals going to have a harder time in the swinging world because of the connection they naturally need? Will they experience jealousy from others more often than other sexualities? Maybe face accusations of being in love with someone else if one or both people aren't familiar with the demisexual sexuality?
Could you be with demisexual and swing?
Do you think you've ever been with a demisexual and not realised or known the term?
Demisexual? Is that for people on a sex site who doesn't want to have sex?"
There's this thing called ' Google'  |
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"
Did you fuck the woman that the quote refers to?
That's an interesting thing to focus on. I did actually, my partner was very keen for me to do so. She had a compersion element and a jealousy element going. She wanted me to, it was her idea, she just didn't want to be in the room."
To me, that just sounds like the perfect ingredients for future conflict in a relationship |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the swinging community is the opposite of what a demisexual wants and they would probably not be interested
Is it? Swinging isn't just about strangers or sex with any random stranger, it's partner swapping for the most part.
No part of demisexual goes against that. Demisexual doesn't mean exclusive partner either.
As a demi sexual I can have sex with somebody I'm connected to, I can also be okay with my partner (if I had one) have sex with somebody else, I can also have sex with that person's partner if I have a connection with them. It's still swinging. It's still partner swapping. I'm just much more limited and specific in a connection. "
People seem to have a hard time separating connection from monogamy. Just because some people need more of a connection doesn't mean they want a monogamous romantic relationship. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"I think the swinging community is the opposite of what a demisexual wants and they would probably not be interested
Is it? Swinging isn't just about strangers or sex with any random stranger, it's partner swapping for the most part.
No part of demisexual goes against that. Demisexual doesn't mean exclusive partner either.
As a demi sexual I can have sex with somebody I'm connected to, I can also be okay with my partner (if I had one) have sex with somebody else, I can also have sex with that person's partner if I have a connection with them. It's still swinging. It's still partner swapping. I'm just much more limited and specific in a connection. "
How would you build a connection with a partner though ? You’re the only person I’ve come across here that sounds Demi, consistently over posts etc, I know sone people like to collect new labels but the Demi people I’ve know have always been very sure they are Demi and never experienced primary connection. They meet on dating apps and dint like clubs/parties etc
So curious how it works swinging ? |
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"I think the swinging community is the opposite of what a demisexual wants and they would probably not be interested
Is it? Swinging isn't just about strangers or sex with any random stranger, it's partner swapping for the most part.
No part of demisexual goes against that. Demisexual doesn't mean exclusive partner either.
As a demi sexual I can have sex with somebody I'm connected to, I can also be okay with my partner (if I had one) have sex with somebody else, I can also have sex with that person's partner if I have a connection with them. It's still swinging. It's still partner swapping. I'm just much more limited and specific in a connection. "
Agreed and very much the same. I can also enjoy partners having sex with other people, in the sense of compersion. |
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"So a demisexual is a person who experiences sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
So in a swinging world where many express that they would struggle with their partner having an emotional connection with another, how does this work? Are demisexuals going to have a harder time in the swinging world because of the connection they naturally need? Will they experience jealousy from others more often than other sexualities? Maybe face accusations of being in love with someone else if one or both people aren't familiar with the demisexual sexuality?
Could you be with demisexual and swing?
Do you think you've ever been with a demisexual and not realised or known the term?"
I’m in my 50s and I can honestly tell you as much as I don’t like labels of any sort, I can finally find myself a label that fits and I identify myself as demisexual.
It took me a while to find out why I’m never attracted to societal stereotypes of “hot” people from the get go but give me some sort of emotional connection and I don’t honestly care about how they look.
I find it extremely difficult in terms of swinging.
Being also borderline sapiosexual, with very limited time to meet and make actual connections, and with very specific physical type I’m attracted to, no wonder I have only had sex with two people in the whole two years I’ve been on this site.
And I don’t expect it to change anytime.
I don’t look for any kind of relationship, it’s only the emotional bond I crave, in order to make me want to have sex with someone. If I got some breadcrumbs and then nothing or just a bare minimum, I’m going to lose my interest.
I don’t look for ONS as these do nothing for me, no matter how “hot” the person looks.
I don’t want sexual fix as it does nothing to me either. I’d rather have a wank.
Make me feel like you care and actually mean it - and I’m all yours.
Strange, I know.
We are all different and I’m glad we are.
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"
Did you fuck the woman that the quote refers to?
That's an interesting thing to focus on. I did actually, my partner was very keen for me to do so. She had a compersion element and a jealousy element going. She wanted me to, it was her idea, she just didn't want to be in the room.
To me, that just sounds like the perfect ingredients for future conflict in a relationship "
It was ok to be honest. I was worried about that myself, but it went fine. |
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"
Did you fuck the woman that the quote refers to?
That's an interesting thing to focus on. I did actually, my partner was very keen for me to do so. She had a compersion element and a jealousy element going. She wanted me to, it was her idea, she just didn't want to be in the room.
To me, that just sounds like the perfect ingredients for future conflict in a relationship
It was ok to be honest. I was worried about that myself, but it went fine."
And still you did it  |
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"So a demisexual is a person who experiences sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
So in a swinging world where many express that they would struggle with their partner having an emotional connection with another, how does this work? Are demisexuals going to have a harder time in the swinging world because of the connection they naturally need? Will they experience jealousy from others more often than other sexualities? Maybe face accusations of being in love with someone else if one or both people aren't familiar with the demisexual sexuality?
Could you be with demisexual and swing?
Do you think you've ever been with a demisexual and not realised or known the term?"
me and wife used to swing and I loved her loving the other man |
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"
Did you fuck the woman that the quote refers to?
That's an interesting thing to focus on. I did actually, my partner was very keen for me to do so. She had a compersion element and a jealousy element going. She wanted me to, it was her idea, she just didn't want to be in the room.
To me, that just sounds like the perfect ingredients for future conflict in a relationship
It was ok to be honest. I was worried about that myself, but it went fine.
And still you did it "
I think that's very common in swinging generally. Couples have boundaries that they discuss, what is ok what isn't. You don't know till you try.
My partner said that she would be ok with it and wanted me to. I respected the autonomy of her mind. I was concerned that she only wanted this because I was ok with her meeting other people separately. She assured me that this was not the case. |
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"
Did you fuck the woman that the quote refers to?
That's an interesting thing to focus on. I did actually, my partner was very keen for me to do so. She had a compersion element and a jealousy element going. She wanted me to, it was her idea, she just didn't want to be in the room.
To me, that just sounds like the perfect ingredients for future conflict in a relationship
It was ok to be honest. I was worried about that myself, but it went fine.
And still you did it
I think that's very common in swinging generally. Couples have boundaries that they discuss, what is ok what isn't. You don't know till you try.
My partner said that she would be ok with it and wanted me to. I respected the autonomy of her mind. I was concerned that she only wanted this because I was ok with her meeting other people separately. She assured me that this was not the case."
I would have thought that if there were any doubts expressed, the safest (for the relationship) option, would be not to try at all.
It's not like it could be undone if it turned out badly |
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"
Did you fuck the woman that the quote refers to?
That's an interesting thing to focus on. I did actually, my partner was very keen for me to do so. She had a compersion element and a jealousy element going. She wanted me to, it was her idea, she just didn't want to be in the room.
To me, that just sounds like the perfect ingredients for future conflict in a relationship
It was ok to be honest. I was worried about that myself, but it went fine.
And still you did it
I think that's very common in swinging generally. Couples have boundaries that they discuss, what is ok what isn't. You don't know till you try.
My partner said that she would be ok with it and wanted me to. I respected the autonomy of her mind. I was concerned that she only wanted this because I was ok with her meeting other people separately. She assured me that this was not the case.
I would have thought that if there were any doubts expressed, the safest (for the relationship) option, would be not to try at all.
It's not like it could be undone if it turned out badly "
I agree this wasn't some seat-of-the pants impulsive decision It took quite some time for us both to feel safe and I was the one with most apprehension.
I've heard a similar comment you are making from people who talk about swinging generally. "It's not worth the risk."
For us it was worth the risk. We trusted the strength of our relationship, our love essentially. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
Let's see.
Do you have to have a close emotional connection to say you're demisexual? No. A connection before experiencing sexual/physical desire for someone? Yes. It's a spectrum really - for some they need a deeper connection, as in a romantic one, for others a friendship. My attraction can grow and wane depending on the strength of that.
I don't think socio-cultural upbringing makes someone demisexual. Nor does religion. Let's do away with that daftness.
I've realised more and more, especially over the past year or so that I am demisexual. In my early twenties I'd have one night stands. Now? I can't. I don't feel that desire to have sex with someone unless there's that base line of friendship.
There's a bit of a myth that I've heard before - people who are highly sexed (as in have a high libido) can't be demi. No, I can be. Once there's that level of friendship then I'm all systems go. Before then? Well, I can flirt and enjoy that friendship growing, the potential of it but I don't want to have sex with them.
I also don't need to be in love or be in a relationship to explore sexual desire. I've never had sex in a club, at a party. No desire to really, unless it was with a friend who says cunt in her delightful manner.
I'm quite happily openly telling people that I won't be having sex without a "connection" because I don't have the desire to think I'm leading people on or nor want a relationship with them.
I think you can be demi and swing, whatever swinging is. Swinging doesn't mean without a connection. It doesn't mean ONS. I've got some great people in my life who I've established that connection with and the closer the friendship, the more that sexual desire grows.
The idea that Fab folk can't be both, real demisexuals are on dating sites blah blah blah is utter tosh.
My partner is aware I need a connection in order to want to have sex with someone. He's also comfortable with it because, well, it's friendship. Definitely nothing more currently.
I think you can potentially more open to experiencing jealousy etc - people are human and there's a difference between someone having a fuck and someone being friends and having a fuck. More of a potential for feelings to develop I guess?
It's something you have to navigate on an individual level though - open and honest communication, trust and respect is incredibly important.
I've waffled a bit because after a few months of being told I wasn't demi because I'm quite sexually charged and I don't need to love the person I'm rather passionate about it.
|
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"
I've waffled a bit because after a few months of being told I wasn't demi because I'm quite sexually charged and I don't need to love the person I'm rather passionate about it.
"
There's zero waffle in that for me.
I agree that our culture can't make someone demisexual. It can however affect the beliefs we hold about ourselves? I grew up in a time and place where anything other than being 'heterosexual' was completely unacceptable.
So it has been a journey for me, as have other aspects of my sexuality. Some of it, especially earlier on in my life, is actually rooted in trauma.
Libido I agree is unrelated to demisexuality. When I am with a a compatible partner it can go through to roof.
You're not really demi, sub, dom, bi... Like my comment earlier about the autonomy of another person's mind. I consider that to be an aspect of respect. All I really take from comments like that is: we probably aren't going to get along well, if you believe you can define who I am for me. Question, challenge, discuss sure inform me who I am. You know nothing about Hans |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So a demisexual is a person who experiences sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
So in a swinging world where many express that they would struggle with their partner having an emotional connection with another, how does this work? Are demisexuals going to have a harder time in the swinging world because of the connection they naturally need? Will they experience jealousy from others more often than other sexualities? Maybe face accusations of being in love with someone else if one or both people aren't familiar with the demisexual sexuality?
Could you be with demisexual and swing?
Do you think you've ever been with a demisexual and not realised or known the term?
I’m in my 50s and I can honestly tell you as much as I don’t like labels of any sort, I can finally find myself a label that fits and I identify myself as demisexual.
It took me a while to find out why I’m never attracted to societal stereotypes of “hot” people from the get go but give me some sort of emotional connection and I don’t honestly care about how they look.
I find it extremely difficult in terms of swinging.
Being also borderline sapiosexual, with very limited time to meet and make actual connections, and with very specific physical type I’m attracted to, no wonder I have only had sex with two people in the whole two years I’ve been on this site.
And I don’t expect it to change anytime.
I don’t look for any kind of relationship, it’s only the emotional bond I crave, in order to make me want to have sex with someone. If I got some breadcrumbs and then nothing or just a bare minimum, I’m going to lose my interest.
I don’t look for ONS as these do nothing for me, no matter how “hot” the person looks.
I don’t want sexual fix as it does nothing to me either. I’d rather have a wank.
Make me feel like you care and actually mean it - and I’m all yours.
Strange, I know.
We are all different and I’m glad we are.
"
You're not the only person who feels like this. There are times this place makes me feel I'm mad because I don't relate to the ways other people approach attraction. |
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Technically, I fit in that label but if I used everh label I fit with, they would be hanging off me so I don't tend to bother. I do explain when I start talking to someone that I can't and won't do ONS and I need more than I quick thing. Posts above saying it doesn't have to mean love or a relationship but for me, it does need to be a relationship. There are loads of different types of relationships, it doesn't have to be a scary word that only leads to marriage and kids.
I have different kinds of relationships with different people and they are all special to me but they all started with me getting to know that person for whatever reason.
I'm not a swinger, I don't class any part of what I enjoy as swinging. As for the jealousy part, it's not any different for me as I'm in a poly relationship so we navigate all those feelings anyway. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"When topics like this are discussed, I find it interesting that it's usually in such a binary way.
Indulging in casual sex doesn't have to involve just 'fucking a stranger ' without any kind of chat as a prelude to that "
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I'm quite an emotional soul. I like feelings and I love connections.
Sex is so much better and more enjoyable for me with them.
Sometimes those connections last and sometimes they are fleeting,but every one has been special in it's own way.
Sometimes I get lost, d*unk in the potent mix of passion, desire, excitement, affection, chemistry and lust and possibly, I might even fall a little bit in love in that moment. I'm OK with that.
I'd rather that, than feel nothing at all. |
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Riffing off Rose-tinted Glasses post, maybe I'm hemisemidemisexual Or maybe I'm just complicated. It is exhausting trying to keep up with my own emotions and attempting to understand my own gender and sexuality, so everything is easier if I've got some level of emotional connection before making a sexual connection. On the other hand, in the days before social media and things like fab, my uncertainty and lack of interpersonal confidence made it very difficult for me to even make the initial contact necessary before any emotional connection could grow. And having built any non-sexual friendship, the possibility of destroying that by raising the spectre of sex would leave me virtually paralysed.
At least with fab or similar, the subject of sex is pre-announced and understood to be at least a possibility, making it easier for me to build connections which might then at some point include sex.
So am I demisexual? Buggered if I know. I have taken part in short notice meets, in clubs and otherwise, where some form of sexual activity has occurred with people I'd never met before and might never meet again. This has always been kind of "hard work" emotionally though and seldom very satisfying for me.
But I don't need or want to be in a long term romantic relationship with someone to get sexual fulfillment, I don't need to LOVE someone, but maybe I do need to feel a little love (with a little L) and hopefully have that returned.
Perhaps I just overthink everything. Riffing on the words of Pete Townshend (not on fab, at least as far as I know) from 1973, "Demisexual? I'm bleeding Quadrosexual!"*
* If you know, you know, and if you're any younger than me you probably don't. But it's probably the best album that The Who ever made. |
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"Riffing off Rose-tinted Glasses post, maybe I'm hemisemidemisexual Or maybe I'm just complicated. It is exhausting trying to keep up with my own emotions and attempting to understand my own gender and sexuality, so everything is easier if I've got some level of emotional connection before making a sexual connection. On the other hand, in the days before social media and things like fab, my uncertainty and lack of interpersonal confidence made it very difficult for me to even make the initial contact necessary before any emotional connection could grow. And having built any non-sexual friendship, the possibility of destroying that by raising the spectre of sex would leave me virtually paralysed.
At least with fab or similar, the subject of sex is pre-announced and understood to be at least a possibility, making it easier for me to build connections which might then at some point include sex.
So am I demisexual? Buggered if I know. I have taken part in short notice meets, in clubs and otherwise, where some form of sexual activity has occurred with people I'd never met before and might never meet again. This has always been kind of "hard work" emotionally though and seldom very satisfying for me.
But I don't need or want to be in a long term romantic relationship with someone to get sexual fulfillment, I don't need to LOVE someone, but maybe I do need to feel a little love (with a little L) and hopefully have that returned.
Perhaps I just overthink everything. Riffing on the words of Pete Townshend (not on fab, at least as far as I know) from 1973, "Demisexual? I'm bleeding Quadrosexual!"*
* If you know, you know, and if you're any younger than me you probably don't. But it's probably the best album that The Who ever made."
Polly, the way you write and think
(with a little L) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
I've been otherwise occupied today ...beautiful sculptures in beautiful grounds.
Started reading the replies and my eyes are closing. So I'll catch up tomorrow.
It's such a shame the one I was hoping to post on here hasn't done so....yet. |
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"Riffing off Rose-tinted Glasses post, maybe I'm hemisemidemisexual Or maybe I'm just complicated. It is exhausting trying to keep up with my own emotions and attempting to understand my own gender and sexuality, so everything is easier if I've got some level of emotional connection before making a sexual connection. On the other hand, in the days before social media and things like fab, my uncertainty and lack of interpersonal confidence made it very difficult for me to even make the initial contact necessary before any emotional connection could grow. And having built any non-sexual friendship, the possibility of destroying that by raising the spectre of sex would leave me virtually paralysed.
At least with fab or similar, the subject of sex is pre-announced and understood to be at least a possibility, making it easier for me to build connections which might then at some point include sex.
So am I demisexual? Buggered if I know. I have taken part in short notice meets, in clubs and otherwise, where some form of sexual activity has occurred with people I'd never met before and might never meet again. This has always been kind of "hard work" emotionally though and seldom very satisfying for me.
But I don't need or want to be in a long term romantic relationship with someone to get sexual fulfillment, I don't need to LOVE someone, but maybe I do need to feel a little love (with a little L) and hopefully have that returned.
Perhaps I just overthink everything. Riffing on the words of Pete Townshend (not on fab, at least as far as I know) from 1973, "Demisexual? I'm bleeding Quadrosexual!"*
* If you know, you know, and if you're any younger than me you probably don't. But it's probably the best album that The Who ever made."
No matter what you comment on Polly, it’s always thought provoking.
Also on a basic level an enjoyable but enlightening insight to your real self. |
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By *ellykitWoman
over a year ago
gloucester |
I think it depends on how you define ‘a connection’.
It’s possible to have a deep and meaningful after only knowing someone for a few hours, we sometimes bond with others very quickly and don’t know why.
Such a connection doesn’t necessarily have to be permanent, and a brief encounter can be intense even if it fizzles out after a short time. Every ‘connection’ is valuable regardless of how long it is sustained for.
Some of the best meets are insanely ‘connected’ even if for only 24 hours or so.
IF you need a more traditional girlfriend/boyfriend type of ‘connection’ I am not sure how swinging would work if you needed that from everyone you were to have sex with;
unless your were playing the ‘hotwife’ role within a primary relationship and your ‘meets’ served as extras within your committed/romantic sex life?? |
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"I think it depends on how you define ‘a connection’.
It’s possible to have a deep and meaningful after only knowing someone for a few hours, we sometimes bond with others very quickly and don’t know why.
Such a connection doesn’t necessarily have to be permanent, and a brief encounter can be intense even if it fizzles out after a short time. Every ‘connection’ is valuable regardless of how long it is sustained for.
Some of the best meets are insanely ‘connected’ even if for only 24 hours or so.
IF you need a more traditional girlfriend/boyfriend type of ‘connection’ I am not sure how swinging would work if you needed that from everyone you were to have sex with;
unless your were playing the ‘hotwife’ role within a primary relationship and your ‘meets’ served as extras within your committed/romantic sex life??"
That's reasonably close to one aspect of the relationship I had.
We had a primary relationship. I had secondary poly relationships. She had meets that would probably fit the definition of swinging more accurately. We played as a couple.
Basically our relationships was: we wanted each other to experience everything that turned us on together and individually. Which included but was not limited to swinging.
Worked really well for us we loved it! |
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I have not heard the term before but I am sure it is a huge challenge. All forms of ENM from swing to polyamory are challenging because most of us are brought up in mononormative cultures with paradigms that would be at odds with this. Most find that love is the bit that's most mono despite loving children, family, friends etc.
I am sure that time, patience and lots of communication can work but fab is a bit short on those!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I've been otherwise occupied today ...beautiful sculptures in beautiful grounds.
Started reading the replies and my eyes are closing. So I'll catch up tomorrow.
It's such a shame the one I was hoping to post on here hasn't done so....yet. "
Why not message her and ask for her thoughts? |
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I definitely have to have some sort of connection but wouldn't go as far as to say I'm demi sexual, I can just find someone attractive immediately but usually unless they can back it up with something I loose interest almost immediately. |
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"I definitely have to have some sort of connection but wouldn't go as far as to say I'm demi sexual, I can just find someone attractive immediately but usually unless they can back it up with something I loose interest almost immediately. "
That’s probably the best way to describe me! |
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Haven’t read every comment, so might be repeating things others have said.
I identify as demisexual. For me, I don’t need a ‘strong emotional connection’ as in love, but I do need to actually like someone. I think this is why things like gloryholes and dark rooms don’t really work for me, unless in a group of people I already know and trust. So, if I chat to someone for half an hour and get a good vibe, I’m ok. Also, I’m generally sluttier with women than men. Probably because I find them attractive much more easily.
I also find that I have the best time with people I could develop stronger feelings for. That doesn’t mean that I will fall in love, but if I can see they’re someone I could love, it’s far better sex.
As said somewhere above, it’s a spectrum. Some Demi people identify strongly with the ace community, and others with the allosexuals. I’m closer to allo than ace, personally. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Haven’t read every comment, so might be repeating things others have said.
I identify as demisexual. For me, I don’t need a ‘strong emotional connection’ as in love, but I do need to actually like someone. I think this is why things like gloryholes and dark rooms don’t really work for me, unless in a group of people I already know and trust. So, if I chat to someone for half an hour and get a good vibe, I’m ok. Also, I’m generally sluttier with women than men. Probably because I find them attractive much more easily.
I also find that I have the best time with people I could develop stronger feelings for. That doesn’t mean that I will fall in love, but if I can see they’re someone I could love, it’s far better sex.
As said somewhere above, it’s a spectrum. Some Demi people identify strongly with the ace community, and others with the allosexuals. I’m closer to allo than ace, personally. "
What's allo and ace?
I know I can Google but other peoole might not bother, so if they read your reply they will learn something.  |
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By *oxesMan
over a year ago
Southend, Essex |
"So a demisexual is a person who experiences sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.
So in a swinging world where many express that they would struggle with their partner having an emotional connection with another, how does this work? Are demisexuals going to have a harder time in the swinging world because of the connection they naturally need? Will they experience jealousy from others more often than other sexualities? Maybe face accusations of being in love with someone else if one or both people aren't familiar with the demisexual sexuality?
Could you be with demisexual and swing?
Do you think you've ever been with a demisexual and not realised or known the term?"
This is a good point to and not something many people will able to answer without heavy reflection. |
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" What's allo and ace?
I know I can Google but other peoole might not bother, so if they read your reply they will learn something. "
So ace is asexual. That’s something I can’t explain in detail (I don’t have the knowledge really), but very briefly it’s someone who doesn’t experience sexual desire. There’s more too it, but that’s a small nutshell.
Allosexual/Allo is the opposite, so it’s someone who does experience sexual feelings and desires. So, what you might call ‘normal’ if you wanted to talk that way, but I don’t want to use that, as asexuality shouldn’t be considered abnormal.
Hope that makes sense! |
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"Haven’t read every comment, so might be repeating things others have said.
I identify as demisexual. For me, I don’t need a ‘strong emotional connection’ as in love, but I do need to actually like someone. I think this is why things like gloryholes and dark rooms don’t really work for me, unless in a group of people I already know and trust. So, if I chat to someone for half an hour and get a good vibe, I’m ok. Also, I’m generally sluttier with women than men. Probably because I find them attractive much more easily.
I also find that I have the best time with people I could develop stronger feelings for. That doesn’t mean that I will fall in love, but if I can see they’re someone I could love, it’s far better sex.
As said somewhere above, it’s a spectrum. Some Demi people identify strongly with the ace community, and others with the allosexuals. I’m closer to allo than ace, personally. "
I really liked that, resonated strongly for me.
I also think it's important to remember that it's one aspect of a person that has interrelations with other aspects.
I am sure many people demi people do identify with the ace community. I don't but that's got nothing to do with sexuality at all. I simply don't identify with communities of any nature. That's more a philosophical belief. It's just a word, which closely defines a prominent aspect of my sexuality. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
" What's allo and ace?
I know I can Google but other peoole might not bother, so if they read your reply they will learn something.
So ace is asexual. That’s something I can’t explain in detail (I don’t have the knowledge really), but very briefly it’s someone who doesn’t experience sexual desire. There’s more too it, but that’s a small nutshell.
Allosexual/Allo is the opposite, so it’s someone who does experience sexual feelings and desires. So, what you might call ‘normal’ if you wanted to talk that way, but I don’t want to use that, as asexuality shouldn’t be considered abnormal.
Hope that makes sense! "
Yes it does, thank you. |
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"I struggle understand why a demisexual person would even be involved in swinging!
Even after reading the thread? "
Yes even then, needing an emotional attachment and NSA sex just don't fit together. |
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"I struggle understand why a demisexual person would even be involved in swinging! "
Because we still like sex with many people and like being free and easy  Swinging is not just casual sex is it, there's a big social component to it for those who want/enjoy it. |
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"I struggle understand why a demisexual person would even be involved in swinging!
Even after reading the thread?
Yes even then, needing an emotional attachment and NSA sex just don't fit together. "
Plenty of posters made the distinction between feeling connection and forming attachment |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I struggle understand why a demisexual person would even be involved in swinging!
Even after reading the thread?
Yes even then, needing an emotional attachment and NSA sex just don't fit together. "
Lots of people don't want NSA sex, though. They're looking for FWB. And clearly they do fit together for some people. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I struggle understand why a demisexual person would even be involved in swinging!
Even after reading the thread?
Yes even then, needing an emotional attachment and NSA sex just don't fit together. "
So swinging to you means NSA fucking around? That's ok. For others it means different things. |
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"I struggle understand why a demisexual person would even be involved in swinging!
Even after reading the thread?
Yes even then, needing an emotional attachment and NSA sex just don't fit together. "
It looks like you swing, do you guys have some level of emotional connection? |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
"I struggle understand why a demisexual person would even be involved in swinging!
Even after reading the thread?
Yes even then, needing an emotional attachment and NSA sex just don't fit together. "
It was explained quite well by multiple people, myself included.
What is swinging? Partner swapping - 100% possible to be done by demisexuals. At a push you could say swinging is sex with multiple partners, either together or 1on1. Again, entirely possible for demisexuals to do.
NSA is not the only way to enjoy swinging. The only difference is a connection (the strength varies person to person) is needed to want to have sex with those people. I can have a partner I have sex with, I can have sex with others, my partner can have sex with others, we can have sex with others together. Is that not swinging? The only difference is I won't sleep with those people without a connection/bond/friendship.
I expect there are couples out there that only have sex with those in a tight nit group of swinging friends they have formed and have small exclusive parties among themselves. Are they not swingers doing what swingers do?
So for you swinging is NSA only, which is fine. You do you. But NSA is not swinging, it's just a different part of sex that applies to all other aspects of the sexual world. Ill advised but even extreme BDSM can be NSA. |
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"I struggle understand why a demisexual person would even be involved in swinging!
Even after reading the thread?
Yes even then, needing an emotional attachment and NSA sex just don't fit together.
It was explained quite well by multiple people, myself included.
What is swinging? Partner swapping - 100% possible to be done by demisexuals. At a push you could say swinging is sex with multiple partners, either together or 1on1. Again, entirely possible for demisexuals to do.
NSA is not the only way to enjoy swinging. The only difference is a connection (the strength varies person to person) is needed to want to have sex with those people. I can have a partner I have sex with, I can have sex with others, my partner can have sex with others, we can have sex with others together. Is that not swinging? The only difference is I won't sleep with those people without a connection/bond/friendship.
I expect there are couples out there that only have sex with those in a tight nit group of swinging friends they have formed and have small exclusive parties among themselves. Are they not swingers doing what swingers do?
So for you swinging is NSA only, which is fine. You do you. But NSA is not swinging, it's just a different part of sex that applies to all other aspects of the sexual world. Ill advised but even extreme BDSM can be NSA. "
Really well put! |
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