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Men and our emotions

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

I’m a proper emotional man. Not that many men I know are emotional at all. I wish men were taught it’s ok to be emotional and soft.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I think you are right, although.... shoeing emotions and being soft are not always the same thing

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"I think you are right, although.... shoeing emotions and being soft are not always the same thing"

*showing

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"I think you are right, although.... shoeing emotions and being soft are not always the same thing"

That’s so true. What is the difference to you

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By *heVonMatterhornsCouple  over a year ago

Lincoln

Yeah I'm shit at it. Sarcasm defence ftw

LvM

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By *hrista BellendWoman  over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights


"I’m a proper emotional man. Not that many men I know are emotional at all. I wish men were taught it’s ok to be emotional and soft. "

So many hide them at the detriment to others, I like your emotional intelligence pickles

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I wish I was less emotional tbh, but it is what it is.

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By *ovetolick78Man  over a year ago

The Shire

We're brought up being told things like big boys don't cry, put your big boy pants on, man up and many more.... I hid my emotions for years untill it nearly lead to a break down, opening up to people and showing proper emotions was the best thing I ever did for my sanity.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"I think you are right, although.... shoeing emotions and being soft are not always the same thing

That’s so true. What is the difference to you"

Oh wow... that's a question!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"I’m a proper emotional man. Not that many men I know are emotional at all. I wish men were taught it’s ok to be emotional and soft. "

I raised my son, now 29, mostly as a single parent and I taught him that it is absolutely okay for boys and men to show their emotional, softer sides. Unfortunately, his long term girlfriend, he met at 19, came from a family who didn't express/show their emotions and totally undid everything I taught him

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"I’m a proper emotional man. Not that many men I know are emotional at all. I wish men were taught it’s ok to be emotional and soft. "

Exactly this.

I was brought up to be hard, and hide all that stuff away.

I’m still cold and soulless in that respect to this day.

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By *hePerkyPumpkinTV/TS  over a year ago

Bristol


"I think you are right, although.... shoeing emotions and being soft are not always the same thing

That’s so true. What is the difference to you

Oh wow... that's a question! "

I'd say being soft is the inability to deal with harshness of the world around you.

Being emotional is what we all are everyday, everyone is emotional, everyone has feelings and we all find ways to express them and feel them in whatever way feels right to us.

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"I wish I was less emotional tbh, but it is what it is."
same sometimes. Same.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Absolutely nothing wrong with that Pickle. Show your emotion if it means you're not keeping it and pretending to be ok.

I'm quite emotional, if I'm angry or annoyed or happy or excited, I can more than accept having my heart on my sleeve.

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By *oecutterMan  over a year ago

Clonakilty


"

Being emotional is what we all are everyday, everyone is emotional, everyone has feelings and we all find ways to express them and feel them in whatever way feels right to us.

"

Unless you’re autistic and alexithymic.

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By *hilloutMan  over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

I'm not very emotional. Perhaps it's a generational thing as I lean towards the "stiff upper lip" mentality.

It doesn't mean I'm emotionless and there are proper times and places a man can and should let their emotions show or flow.

Ideally it's finding a balance between the two extremes. Not being stiff upper lip at all times and not displaying emotional incontinence at every turn.

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By *ohntall123Man  over a year ago

Biggleswade


"I’m a proper emotional man. Not that many men I know are emotional at all. I wish men were taught it’s ok to be emotional and soft. "

I taught my son that it was ok to show emotions, I have always shown my heart on my chest . Good for you mate that you do

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By *hePerkyPumpkinTV/TS  over a year ago

Bristol


"

Being emotional is what we all are everyday, everyone is emotional, everyone has feelings and we all find ways to express them and feel them in whatever way feels right to us.

Unless you’re autistic and alexithymic. "

Yeah fair point

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By *oecutterMan  over a year ago

Clonakilty


"I'm not very emotional. Perhaps it's a generational thing as I lean towards the "stiff upper lip" mentality.

."

I think the real question is whether we control our emotions or allow them to control us. I’m a confirmed stoic.

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By *hilloutMan  over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest


"I'm not very emotional. Perhaps it's a generational thing as I lean towards the "stiff upper lip" mentality.

.

I think the real question is whether we control our emotions or allow them to control us. I’m a confirmed stoic. "

Good point. I definitely control them over the latter.

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By *AABMan  over a year ago

Not far

I’m not embarrassed about blubbering at an emotional film or giving my grown up boys a dad hug. Quite the opposite of my own dad. I don’t go with the social stereotypes on men or women but I’m of the view that men and women are much more alike than we are led to believe if we allow ourselves to be ourselves.

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

I do think there’s a generational dynamic. In my experience Older generations of men are unhealthy with their refusal to express emotion. It’s a bit exhausting

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By *hortishblondeWoman  over a year ago

Essex

Honestly I think most men don't show emotion I wish they did ...also they very seldom tell someone how they feel woman do it then most men run a mile...

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"Honestly I think most men don't show emotion I wish they did ...also they very seldom tell someone how they feel woman do it then most men run a mile..."

Because men are unhealthy

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By *hortishblondeWoman  over a year ago

Essex


"Honestly I think most men don't show emotion I wish they did ...also they very seldom tell someone how they feel woman do it then most men run a mile...

Because men are unhealthy"

I know

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I always told my son's it was absolutely ok to show your emotions, but their dad was of the sort that boys/men don't show emotions as it shows weakness

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I have boys and they're all on the spectrum. I hope I've showed them all they can embrace their emotions. We shall see as they get older!

It's been quite strange since my father had a stroke as his emotions were unlocked as well. He's like a different man now. It's quite wonderful. I'd like a future partner to be emotionally open - I've had enough of closed off stoics!

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By *hrista BellendWoman  over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights


"Honestly I think most men don't show emotion I wish they did ...also they very seldom tell someone how they feel woman do it then most men run a mile..."

This

It destroys relationships as he's already moved on, before she has even had a chance to address any problems with the relationship

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By *ovetolick78Man  over a year ago

The Shire


"Honestly I think most men don't show emotion I wish they did ...also they very seldom tell someone how they feel woman do it then most men run a mile..."

I learnt the hard way, I quiet often have chats with certain friends about how I'm feeling as need the release

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Too much stoic shaming going on here.

I'm out.

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By *otSoPoshWoman  over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

I wish people were taught how to deal with their emotions without making them other people's problem.

Men, women, anyone should feel that having emotions and expressing them is totally acceptable. But people should also be taught that their emotions aren't the most important thing in any room. Just because something has made you feel a certain way... let's say something has upset you... it doesn't mean the rest the world isn't important too.

There should be balance with expression and acceptance of the emotions of ourselves and of others.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

There’s nothing wrong with showing emotion, and of course it’s hugely important that anyone suffering emotional or mental trauma feel safe and secure enough to open up and get any help they can. Suicide is a massive issue amongst men and anything to help reduce that is critical.

But outside of those extremes I think it’s important that people are able to be *resilient* - my perception is that these days people seem a little less able to handle challenges and obstacles that come their way, and crumble in the face of any push back or adversity.

So at the same time we teach our children to be free to express how they’re feeling, it’s also important to equip them with the skills to best emotionally handle the shit that life invariably throws at you.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"I wish people were taught how to deal with their emotions without making them other people's problem.

Men, women, anyone should feel that having emotions and expressing them is totally acceptable. But people should also be taught that their emotions aren't the most important thing in any room. Just because something has made you feel a certain way... let's say something has upset you... it doesn't mean the rest the world isn't important too.

There should be balance with expression and acceptance of the emotions of ourselves and of others."

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"Too much stoic shaming going on here.

I'm out."

Catch you later, Ricky

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"I wish people were taught how to deal with their emotions without making them other people's problem.

Men, women, anyone should feel that having emotions and expressing them is totally acceptable. But people should also be taught that their emotions aren't the most important thing in any room. Just because something has made you feel a certain way... let's say something has upset you... it doesn't mean the rest the world isn't important too.

There should be balance with expression and acceptance of the emotions of ourselves and of others."

I think consent is always important. And that’s why I did a thread a while back on oversharing, but why I think oversharing can be bad. And trauma dumping. All those things.

But anyway I agree but I think it doesn’t really change my original thoughts- I wish men were taught that it’s ok to be emotional.

I also agree that it would be nice if this was for everyone but I also think specifically this is an issue I think impacts men and the way boys are raised. I say that as a man who was once a boy and has been raised with some traditional, toxic views of masculinity that overwhelmingly impacts men and boys.

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"I have boys and they're all on the spectrum. I hope I've showed them all they can embrace their emotions. We shall see as they get older!

It's been quite strange since my father had a stroke as his emotions were unlocked as well. He's like a different man now. It's quite wonderful. I'd like a future partner to be emotionally open - I've had enough of closed off stoics!"

It’s hard. And actually it’s taken lots of help for me to get to a place where I feel comfortable opening up when given the space to rather than burying my head, and shutting off my emotions.

I’m glad your boys have you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

I think my feeling is that we need to create spaces for our boys to feel comfortable talking when they need to. Rather than never talking and being eaten up. The point of this thread is that. Because men aren’t emotional enough. And aren’t emotionally intelligent enough. I appreciate that we all think we are and we all may be. But unfortunately that’s not the case for so many men that struggle everyday with their feelings and emotions.

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

Anyway that’s enough of that

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By *otSoPoshWoman  over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon


"I wish people were taught how to deal with their emotions without making them other people's problem.

Men, women, anyone should feel that having emotions and expressing them is totally acceptable. But people should also be taught that their emotions aren't the most important thing in any room. Just because something has made you feel a certain way... let's say something has upset you... it doesn't mean the rest the world isn't important too.

There should be balance with expression and acceptance of the emotions of ourselves and of others.

I think consent is always important. And that’s why I did a thread a while back on oversharing, but why I think oversharing can be bad. And trauma dumping. All those things.

But anyway I agree but I think it doesn’t really change my original thoughts- I wish men were taught that it’s ok to be emotional.

I also agree that it would be nice if this was for everyone but I also think specifically this is an issue I think impacts men and the way boys are raised. I say that as a man who was once a boy and has been raised with some traditional, toxic views of masculinity that overwhelmingly impacts men and boys. "

I agree. I wish men were taught to better deal with their emotions. I think there would be a lot more well adjusted men in the world. I disagree with "be emotional" though, and instead offer "accept their emotions". Feeling the thing often isn't the issue. Accepting the thing and not suppressing the thing is the issue, and passing on to the next generation that emotion is human as opposed to feminine is most important.

And I say these things as a woman raised with boys who were raised in a variety of ways, toxic masculinity and toxic femininity among them, and who has known many men who still struggle to accept their emotions are acceptable and don't make them less of men despite what others may say.

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"I wish people were taught how to deal with their emotions without making them other people's problem.

Men, women, anyone should feel that having emotions and expressing them is totally acceptable. But people should also be taught that their emotions aren't the most important thing in any room. Just because something has made you feel a certain way... let's say something has upset you... it doesn't mean the rest the world isn't important too.

There should be balance with expression and acceptance of the emotions of ourselves and of others.

I think consent is always important. And that’s why I did a thread a while back on oversharing, but why I think oversharing can be bad. And trauma dumping. All those things.

But anyway I agree but I think it doesn’t really change my original thoughts- I wish men were taught that it’s ok to be emotional.

I also agree that it would be nice if this was for everyone but I also think specifically this is an issue I think impacts men and the way boys are raised. I say that as a man who was once a boy and has been raised with some traditional, toxic views of masculinity that overwhelmingly impacts men and boys.

I agree. I wish men were taught to better deal with their emotions. I think there would be a lot more well adjusted men in the world. I disagree with "be emotional" though, and instead offer "accept their emotions". Feeling the thing often isn't the issue. Accepting the thing and not suppressing the thing is the issue, and passing on to the next generation that emotion is human as opposed to feminine is most important.

And I say these things as a woman raised with boys who were raised in a variety of ways, toxic masculinity and toxic femininity among them, and who has known many men who still struggle to accept their emotions are acceptable and don't make them less of men despite what others may say."

Lol posh, we’re not disagreeing here. I added the bit I added about being a man because I was just acknowledging that despite being a man I’m not sugarcoating the issue. It wasn’t an attempt at undermining your perspective as a woman…

But anyway I’ve mentally checked out of this thread

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By *otSoPoshWoman  over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon


"I wish people were taught how to deal with their emotions without making them other people's problem.

Men, women, anyone should feel that having emotions and expressing them is totally acceptable. But people should also be taught that their emotions aren't the most important thing in any room. Just because something has made you feel a certain way... let's say something has upset you... it doesn't mean the rest the world isn't important too.

There should be balance with expression and acceptance of the emotions of ourselves and of others.

I think consent is always important. And that’s why I did a thread a while back on oversharing, but why I think oversharing can be bad. And trauma dumping. All those things.

But anyway I agree but I think it doesn’t really change my original thoughts- I wish men were taught that it’s ok to be emotional.

I also agree that it would be nice if this was for everyone but I also think specifically this is an issue I think impacts men and the way boys are raised. I say that as a man who was once a boy and has been raised with some traditional, toxic views of masculinity that overwhelmingly impacts men and boys.

I agree. I wish men were taught to better deal with their emotions. I think there would be a lot more well adjusted men in the world. I disagree with "be emotional" though, and instead offer "accept their emotions". Feeling the thing often isn't the issue. Accepting the thing and not suppressing the thing is the issue, and passing on to the next generation that emotion is human as opposed to feminine is most important.

And I say these things as a woman raised with boys who were raised in a variety of ways, toxic masculinity and toxic femininity among them, and who has known many men who still struggle to accept their emotions are acceptable and don't make them less of men despite what others may say.

Lol posh, we’re not disagreeing here. I added the bit I added about being a man because I was just acknowledging that despite being a man I’m not sugarcoating the issue. It wasn’t an attempt at undermining your perspective as a woman…

But anyway I’ve mentally checked out of this thread"

I'm aware we aren't disagreeing. I thought we were having a discussion. I miss being able to have a discussion where people aren't diametrically opposed to each other yet can debate nuance.

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"I wish people were taught how to deal with their emotions without making them other people's problem.

Men, women, anyone should feel that having emotions and expressing them is totally acceptable. But people should also be taught that their emotions aren't the most important thing in any room. Just because something has made you feel a certain way... let's say something has upset you... it doesn't mean the rest the world isn't important too.

There should be balance with expression and acceptance of the emotions of ourselves and of others.

I think consent is always important. And that’s why I did a thread a while back on oversharing, but why I think oversharing can be bad. And trauma dumping. All those things.

But anyway I agree but I think it doesn’t really change my original thoughts- I wish men were taught that it’s ok to be emotional.

I also agree that it would be nice if this was for everyone but I also think specifically this is an issue I think impacts men and the way boys are raised. I say that as a man who was once a boy and has been raised with some traditional, toxic views of masculinity that overwhelmingly impacts men and boys.

I agree. I wish men were taught to better deal with their emotions. I think there would be a lot more well adjusted men in the world. I disagree with "be emotional" though, and instead offer "accept their emotions". Feeling the thing often isn't the issue. Accepting the thing and not suppressing the thing is the issue, and passing on to the next generation that emotion is human as opposed to feminine is most important.

And I say these things as a woman raised with boys who were raised in a variety of ways, toxic masculinity and toxic femininity among them, and who has known many men who still struggle to accept their emotions are acceptable and don't make them less of men despite what others may say.

Lol posh, we’re not disagreeing here. I added the bit I added about being a man because I was just acknowledging that despite being a man I’m not sugarcoating the issue. It wasn’t an attempt at undermining your perspective as a woman…

But anyway I’ve mentally checked out of this thread

I'm aware we aren't disagreeing. I thought we were having a discussion. I miss being able to have a discussion where people aren't diametrically opposed to each other yet can debate nuance."

I’ve been on fab for years- people can tell you I’m no good at that

They’ve told me that.

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By *otSoPoshWoman  over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon


"I wish people were taught how to deal with their emotions without making them other people's problem.

Men, women, anyone should feel that having emotions and expressing them is totally acceptable. But people should also be taught that their emotions aren't the most important thing in any room. Just because something has made you feel a certain way... let's say something has upset you... it doesn't mean the rest the world isn't important too.

There should be balance with expression and acceptance of the emotions of ourselves and of others.

I think consent is always important. And that’s why I did a thread a while back on oversharing, but why I think oversharing can be bad. And trauma dumping. All those things.

But anyway I agree but I think it doesn’t really change my original thoughts- I wish men were taught that it’s ok to be emotional.

I also agree that it would be nice if this was for everyone but I also think specifically this is an issue I think impacts men and the way boys are raised. I say that as a man who was once a boy and has been raised with some traditional, toxic views of masculinity that overwhelmingly impacts men and boys.

I agree. I wish men were taught to better deal with their emotions. I think there would be a lot more well adjusted men in the world. I disagree with "be emotional" though, and instead offer "accept their emotions". Feeling the thing often isn't the issue. Accepting the thing and not suppressing the thing is the issue, and passing on to the next generation that emotion is human as opposed to feminine is most important.

And I say these things as a woman raised with boys who were raised in a variety of ways, toxic masculinity and toxic femininity among them, and who has known many men who still struggle to accept their emotions are acceptable and don't make them less of men despite what others may say.

Lol posh, we’re not disagreeing here. I added the bit I added about being a man because I was just acknowledging that despite being a man I’m not sugarcoating the issue. It wasn’t an attempt at undermining your perspective as a woman…

But anyway I’ve mentally checked out of this thread

I'm aware we aren't disagreeing. I thought we were having a discussion. I miss being able to have a discussion where people aren't diametrically opposed to each other yet can debate nuance.

I’ve been on fab for years- people can tell you I’m no good at that

They’ve told me that. "

The world seems to be getting to be no good at it.

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By *oadsafun1960Man  over a year ago

Somerset & Hertfordshire

I've always believed in showing my emotions rather than bottling them up where they can fester and turn you into a cold hearted person.

But I've always put on a brave face, to be strong for others when they needed it, I only shared my emotions with people I thought I could trust and only ever found one person who I thought was my soulmate.

Sadly now my ex, who doesn't practice what she preaches, saw it as a weakness, twisting comments she made to me, by accusing me of pretending I didn't understand her, she was completely uncaring, making me feel worthless for burdening her with my emotions.

It turned out she was just building up to dumping me, as soon as she did she isolated me, bragging how easy it was for her to not feel any remorse, then started a new profile with another guy on here a day later!

Stupidly I still care, even though I now realise she never has, it was just a game to her, a seven year game.

I'm trying hard not to act how I feel, but doubt I will ever trust anyone enough to share my emotions again.

So be careful who you trust to share your emotions with if they don't respect you they will hurt you.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"I have boys and they're all on the spectrum. I hope I've showed them all they can embrace their emotions. We shall see as they get older!

It's been quite strange since my father had a stroke as his emotions were unlocked as well. He's like a different man now. It's quite wonderful. I'd like a future partner to be emotionally open - I've had enough of closed off stoics!

It’s hard. And actually it’s taken lots of help for me to get to a place where I feel comfortable opening up when given the space to rather than burying my head, and shutting off my emotions.

I’m glad your boys have you. "

Aw thank you Steve. I suspect boys raised by single mums are likely to be more in touch with their emotions. Little contact with their dad. Autism does mean a more inflexible view of things though - tricky.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman  over a year ago

Reading

I don't think it's always a man woman thing. I'm not very emotional.

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By *mf123Man  over a year ago

with one foot out the door

I try my best to purge all emotion iv already had them i dont need more im not built to manage them its much easier this way so much duller but so much safer too

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By *G LanaTV/TS  over a year ago

Gosport

[Removed by poster at 13/09/23 09:47:35]

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By *acDreamyMan  over a year ago

Wirral

It can still be short term protective though.

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By *G LanaTV/TS  over a year ago

Gosport

Not that I am answering for other men as I realise my experience may be somewhat different, but my experience may be interesting to some in this discussion.

Before hormone treatment, so under a typical male balance of testosterone and low estrogen, I was pretty emotionally flat with the exception of anger. Now my emotions are much more of a rollercoaster. Not only am I much less prone to anger but feel happiness and sadness much more often and far more intensely

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By *ansoffateMan  over a year ago

Sagittarius A


"Not that I am answering for other men as I realise my experience may be somewhat different, but my experience may be interesting to some in this discussion.

Before hormone treatment, so under a typical male balance of testosterone and low estrogen, I was pretty emotionally flat with the exception of anger. Now my emotions are much more of a rollercoaster. Not only am I much less prone to anger but feel happiness and sadness much more often and far more intensely"

Would you say that is preferable? It is a subject of great interest to me. I hope you don't mind the question.

There's quite a bit of evidence to support the belief that emotional diversity is very important for people. As in the ability to feel the full range of our emotions.

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By *G LanaTV/TS  over a year ago

Gosport


"Not that I am answering for other men as I realise my experience may be somewhat different, but my experience may be interesting to some in this discussion.

Before hormone treatment, so under a typical male balance of testosterone and low estrogen, I was pretty emotionally flat with the exception of anger. Now my emotions are much more of a rollercoaster. Not only am I much less prone to anger but feel happiness and sadness much more often and far more intensely

Would you say that is preferable? It is a subject of great interest to me. I hope you don't mind the question.

There's quite a bit of evidence to support the belief that emotional diversity is very important for people. As in the ability to feel the full range of our emotions."

Obviously it has both its positive and negative aspects. Those times when I start crying either because I'm so happy or sad are sometimes awkward. Overall though I am in a much better place for having the increased emotional response and it certainly help with both having empathatic response to other people and being able to express it and support them.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Bottling up emotions.. Op

Simply is not healthy for men or women.

Suppression of our feelings build up and build up. It can cause further problems.

It is good to vent anger but in a safe and healthy way.

Crying, is good to let go of quashed anquish, anxiety, hurt, death etc.

Talk to a Gp if you need more advice.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple  over a year ago

North West


"

Being emotional is what we all are everyday, everyone is emotional, everyone has feelings and we all find ways to express them and feel them in whatever way feels right to us.

Unless you’re autistic and alexithymic. "

People with autism have emotions, but they make express them differently to that which people expect or assume, or they may be outwardly unemotional or struggle to define or explain emotions. But it's not true to say people with autism do not have emotions.

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By *ansoffateMan  over a year ago

Sagittarius A


"Not that I am answering for other men as I realise my experience may be somewhat different, but my experience may be interesting to some in this discussion.

Before hormone treatment, so under a typical male balance of testosterone and low estrogen, I was pretty emotionally flat with the exception of anger. Now my emotions are much more of a rollercoaster. Not only am I much less prone to anger but feel happiness and sadness much more often and far more intensely

Would you say that is preferable? It is a subject of great interest to me. I hope you don't mind the question.

There's quite a bit of evidence to support the belief that emotional diversity is very important for people. As in the ability to feel the full range of our emotions.

Obviously it has both its positive and negative aspects. Those times when I start crying either because I'm so happy or sad are sometimes awkward. Overall though I am in a much better place for having the increased emotional response and it certainly help with both having empathatic response to other people and being able to express it and support them."

I am really happy for you. And it's a positive reassurance for me too. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

I believe it improves empathy too. I have definitely found that to be the case. It's like the more I accept and allow myself to feel emotions, the more I am able to accept and receive them in others.

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By *ad NannaWoman  over a year ago

East London

When people talk about men not showing emotions they usually mean not crying-unless it's at the birth of a baby or football match when their team loses.

There are many emotions, like anger, and sadness that men show in public.

I have seen many, big, strong men cry from arguing with family, or at funerals, but

I think most people do their crying in private anyway.

Women are more likely to share their reasons for crying or seek help.

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By *ansoffateMan  over a year ago

Sagittarius A


"

Being emotional is what we all are everyday, everyone is emotional, everyone has feelings and we all find ways to express them and feel them in whatever way feels right to us.

Unless you’re autistic and alexithymic.

People with autism have emotions, but they make express them differently to that which people expect or assume, or they may be outwardly unemotional or struggle to define or explain emotions. But it's not true to say people with autism do not have emotions. "

I am going to back you on that one to the hilt.

I am finding a partner, with ASD, needs very open conversations about emotions. I find it quite beautiful. It is in no way limited, she is a very deep person.

She needs it clearly expressed though, no deflecting with humour. She picks up on that instantly. I find it humbling at times. The level of emotional awareness and empathy she has.

It's not just how people express themselves it's the capacity of others to tune in to their frequency.

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By *ora the explorerWoman  over a year ago

Paradise, Herts


"

Being emotional is what we all are everyday, everyone is emotional, everyone has feelings and we all find ways to express them and feel them in whatever way feels right to us.

Unless you’re autistic and alexithymic.

People with autism have emotions, but they make express them differently to that which people expect or assume, or they may be outwardly unemotional or struggle to define or explain emotions. But it's not true to say people with autism do not have emotions.

I am going to back you on that one to the hilt.

I am finding a partner, with ASD, needs very open conversations about emotions. I find it quite beautiful. It is in no way limited, she is a very deep person.

She needs it clearly expressed though, no deflecting with humour. She picks up on that instantly. I find it humbling at times. The level of emotional awareness and empathy she has.

It's not just how people express themselves it's the capacity of others to tune in to their frequency."

That last paragraph is spot on

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By *oecutterMan  over a year ago

Clonakilty


"I have boys and they're all on the spectrum. I hope I've showed them all they can embrace their emotions. We shall see as they get older "

I’m on the spectrum, too. I’d suggest you don’t hold your breath

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By *penbicoupleCouple  over a year ago

Northampton


"I’m a proper emotional man. Not that many men I know are emotional at all. I wish men were taught it’s ok to be emotional and soft. "

Completely agree. I sometimes wish I was a bit less emotional, but other days I quite like that side of me.

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By *penbicoupleCouple  over a year ago

Northampton


"Too much stoic shaming going on here.

I'm out."

Ironic that it would bother you.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"I have boys and they're all on the spectrum. I hope I've showed them all they can embrace their emotions. We shall see as they get older

I’m on the spectrum, too. I’d suggest you don’t hold your breath "

Thanks so much. Very helpful.

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By *oecutterMan  over a year ago

Clonakilty


"People with autism have emotions, but they make express them differently to that which people expect or assume, or they may be outwardly unemotional or struggle to define or explain emotions. But it's not true to say people with autism do not have emotions."

Ya know, surveys reliably show 90% of autistics abhor person-first language. I don’t have autism in the same way as Bishop Desmond Tutu didn’t have blackness. It’s what we are, not something we have.

As for emotions, read what I wrote, not what you seem to think I wrote.

And finally, you’ll find a lot of autistics - typically those we commonly refer to as “Aspies” do not have emotions in the way you’re describing. This is especially true of the 50% of us who are also alexithymic. We literally have no idea what words to use to describe what we’re feeling, or even if we’re feeling anything at all.

We tend to recognise each other quickly and generally get on well together.

Hans Asperger’s original paper was titled “Autistic psychopathy in children” for a good reason.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"I’m a proper emotional man. Not that many men I know are emotional at all. I wish men were taught it’s ok to be emotional and soft. "

I'm a fem guy and proud of it. Only regret not being who I am years ago. And yes I'm a crossdresser

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"People with autism have emotions, but they make express them differently to that which people expect or assume, or they may be outwardly unemotional or struggle to define or explain emotions. But it's not true to say people with autism do not have emotions.

Ya know, surveys reliably show 90% of autistics abhor person-first language. I don’t have autism in the same way as Bishop Desmond Tutu didn’t have blackness. It’s what we are, not something we have.

As for emotions, read what I wrote, not what you seem to think I wrote.

And finally, you’ll find a lot of autistics - typically those we commonly refer to as “Aspies” do not have emotions in the way you’re describing. This is especially true of the 50% of us who are also alexithymic. We literally have no idea what words to use to describe what we’re feeling, or even if we’re feeling anything at all.

We tend to recognise each other quickly and generally get on well together.

Hans Asperger’s original paper was titled “Autistic psychopathy in children” for a good reason.

"

Where does one find these stats you speak of? The words aspie and aspergers have been "downgraded" in some circles and it's not diagnosed in many parts of the UK - it's High Functioning Autism.

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By *ansoffateMan  over a year ago

Sagittarius A


"

Being emotional is what we all are everyday, everyone is emotional, everyone has feelings and we all find ways to express them and feel them in whatever way feels right to us.

Unless you’re autistic and alexithymic.

People with autism have emotions, but they make express them differently to that which people expect or assume, or they may be outwardly unemotional or struggle to define or explain emotions. But it's not true to say people with autism do not have emotions.

I am going to back you on that one to the hilt.

I am finding a partner, with ASD, needs very open conversations about emotions. I find it quite beautiful. It is in no way limited, she is a very deep person.

She needs it clearly expressed though, no deflecting with humour. She picks up on that instantly. I find it humbling at times. The level of emotional awareness and empathy she has.

It's not just how people express themselves it's the capacity of others to tune in to their frequency.

That last paragraph is spot on "

Thanks for tuning into me

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By *penbicoupleCouple  over a year ago

Northampton


"People with autism have emotions, but they make express them differently to that which people expect or assume, or they may be outwardly unemotional or struggle to define or explain emotions. But it's not true to say people with autism do not have emotions. "

Autistic people with alexithymia (which is sometimes said to be as many as 1 in 5 of us) might struggle too feel their emotions, notice them, be able to identify them, or express them.

As you'd expect, it presents differently in different individuals.

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By *penbicoupleCouple  over a year ago

Northampton


"The words aspie and aspergers have been "downgraded" in some circles and it's not diagnosed in many parts of the UK - it's High Functioning Autism. "

Functional labels are no less helpful than references to Hans Asperger.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple  over a year ago

North West


"People with autism have emotions, but they make express them differently to that which people expect or assume, or they may be outwardly unemotional or struggle to define or explain emotions. But it's not true to say people with autism do not have emotions.

Ya know, surveys reliably show 90% of autistics abhor person-first language. I don’t have autism in the same way as Bishop Desmond Tutu didn’t have blackness. It’s what we are, not something we have.

As for emotions, read what I wrote, not what you seem to think I wrote.

And finally, you’ll find a lot of autistics - typically those we commonly refer to as “Aspies” do not have emotions in the way you’re describing. This is especially true of the 50% of us who are also alexithymic. We literally have no idea what words to use to describe what we’re feeling, or even if we’re feeling anything at all.

We tend to recognise each other quickly and generally get on well together.

Hans Asperger’s original paper was titled “Autistic psychopathy in children” for a good reason.

"

My husband is autistic and struggles to "label" or explain how he's feeling. However, he is not devoid of feeling in itself. I didn't deal with the part on being alexithymic because I have no experience of this and so would not venture anything on it. However I did pick up on the aspect of autism because there continues to be assumptions on the part of many that, because autistic people/people with autism (whichever form is preferred) don't express emotions in the same way as people who are not autistic, that this is the same as not having emotions.

There are many different ways to demonstrate emotions, other than applying verbal labels, which is what my husband certainly struggles to do. For example, he isn't able to distinguish between joy and happiness - to him, these are one and the same emotion that is "positive". However, if given an emotions wheel that includes descriptors of joy and happiness, he might then select one or the other but based on empiricism and not feeling. I don't know if that makes sense?!

Often, his facial expressions do not match the outward evidence of how he's feeling, e.g. a seemingly angry face might actually be serious concentration. This can be confusing to people who don't know him/understand and can be assumed to be that he lacks certain emotions but that's not true.

Anyway. There may well be a subset of autistic people/people with autism who do lack emotion, but it certainly doesn't apply to all by any means. What does apply is a significant difference in how emotions are outwardly demonstrated to others and how emotions can be explained or described by people themselves.

My use of person centred language was rooted in advice that this is how to avoid discriminatory assumptions but I recognise this doesn't apply to everyone. I am physically disabled but my disability doesn't fit into a neat category. I am a person with a disability. I am not autistic/deaf/blind or anything that has such a descriptor. However my disability cannot be separated from my being. It's a difficult one as to how best to describe these things because it's very individual.

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By *oecutterMan  over a year ago

Clonakilty


". However my disability cannot be separated from my being. It's a difficult one as to how best to describe these things because it's very individual. "

Quite so. This is exactly why most autistics prefer identity first language. So do many disabled people (such as my son).

Tangentially (and amusingly to me) autism is defined as a disability, although I don’t see that way. It’s my clichéd superpower.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple  over a year ago

North West


". However my disability cannot be separated from my being. It's a difficult one as to how best to describe these things because it's very individual.

Quite so. This is exactly why most autistics prefer identity first language. So do many disabled people (such as my son).

Tangentially (and amusingly to me) autism is defined as a disability, although I don’t see that way. It’s my clichéd superpower. "

O totally understand that and respect how people wish to be described/addressed. Not all disabilities/differences can be described as such, though. How would you apply a similar descriptor to a person with cerebral palsy or multiple sclerosis or spina bifida? Or someone with a nerve compression injury due to pregnancy, leading to loss of muscle function in one limb (plus some other little bits)? The last one is me

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By *inky_couple2020Couple  over a year ago

North West

Also my husband does not usually consider himself to have a disability/be disabled. However, he does in certain scenarios - when it's less of a superpower and more of a frustration.

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By *cnugatugMan  over a year ago

Chatham

I don't often show my emotions because I have been hurt so many times but that doesn't mean I don't have them I just chose who to show and open up to

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By *penbicoupleCouple  over a year ago

Northampton


"There may well be a subset of autistic people/people with autism who do lack emotion, but it certainly doesn't apply to all by any means."

I don't think there's any evidence to support the idea that autism *in and of itself* causes a lack of emotion (rather than experiencing them differently, or a difference in naming and expressing them). So, I think it's important to clarify that *if* an autistic person literally lacks emotions it would be for other reasons.

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By *oecutterMan  over a year ago

Clonakilty


". How would you apply a similar descriptor to a person with cerebral palsy or multiple sclerosis or spina bifida? Or someone with a nerve compression injury due to pregnancy, leading to loss of muscle function in one limb (plus some other little bits)? The last one is me "

I’d ask their preference. Ultimately we all get to choose how we describe ourselves.

There’s a decent although perhaps imperfect analogy with gender and pronouns here.

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By *oecutterMan  over a year ago

Clonakilty


"There may well be a subset of autistic people/people with autism who do lack emotion, but it certainly doesn't apply to all by any means.

I don't think there's any evidence to support the idea that autism *in and of itself* causes a lack of emotion (rather than experiencing them differently, or a difference in naming and expressing them). So, I think it's important to clarify that *if* an autistic person literally lacks emotions it would be for other reasons.

"

Yes, indeed. Such as alexithymia (which is not quite an absence of emotion).

For example, I don’t feel grief. Nor do I exhibit any signs of experiencing it and yet being unaware of it. It’s the same with worry. Stress, on the other hand, is mostly undetectable but a real swine.

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By *oecutterMan  over a year ago

Clonakilty


"Also my husband does not usually consider himself to have a disability/be disabled. However, he does in certain scenarios - when it's less of a superpower and more of a frustration. "

Busy places? Noise? Bright lights?

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By *inky_couple2020Couple  over a year ago

North West


". How would you apply a similar descriptor to a person with cerebral palsy or multiple sclerosis or spina bifida? Or someone with a nerve compression injury due to pregnancy, leading to loss of muscle function in one limb (plus some other little bits)? The last one is me

I’d ask their preference. Ultimately we all get to choose how we describe ourselves.

There’s a decent although perhaps imperfect analogy with gender and pronouns here. "

The thing is, there are no equivalent ways to describe those disabilities though. You can say "autistic" or "I am autistic" or "person with autism" but you can't say "cerebral palsy-ist" or "I am cerebral palsy-ist" because it doesn't make any sense. The only word that could be used would be "disabled" or "I am disabled". With most disabilities and differences, the only wording that includes the specific condition is person-first language.

I happen to prefer being referred to by my name

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

The autistic spectrum is wide and varied. It defines a cause and not the effects. It is impossible for anyone to understand an individual with ASD's abilities or difficulties from that single definition. Most laypeoples understanding comes from experience with a single individual, or the media, both of which will often give them a false impression.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I would consider myself to have a good emotional intelligence which is different from being emotional.

I have always been told I wear my heart on my sleeve, it is always obvious how I feel to others and sometimes that is good and maybe sometime not so much.

I was diagnosed this year with ADHD at 46 and had made a big difference to how I feel about my emotions and how I show them.

Showing emotion is a source of strength as you can acknollage and deal with them rather than bottling up or lashing out, but if I do over step with a reaction I acknowledge it and take responsibility.

Yes have emotions, be aware of them, use and act on them appropriately. I also have 3 teenage boys who have seem a full range of emotions from me in a healthy way which is a good thing for them in the future gor future relationships but also their mental health and general well being.

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By *oecutterMan  over a year ago

Clonakilty


"The autistic spectrum is wide and varied. It defines a cause and not the effects. It is impossible for anyone to understand an individual with ASD's abilities or difficulties from that single definition. Most laypeoples understanding comes from experience with a single individual, or the media, both of which will often give them a false impression."

As they say, “If you’ve met one autistic, you’ve met one autistic”.

Normies can be incredibly frustrating with their assumptions, to be sure.

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By *ansoffateMan  over a year ago

Sagittarius A


"There may well be a subset of autistic people/people with autism who do lack emotion, but it certainly doesn't apply to all by any means.

I don't think there's any evidence to support the idea that autism *in and of itself* causes a lack of emotion (rather than experiencing them differently, or a difference in naming and expressing them). So, I think it's important to clarify that *if* an autistic person literally lacks emotions it would be for other reasons.

Yes, indeed. Such as alexithymia (which is not quite an absence of emotion).

For example, I don’t feel grief. Nor do I exhibit any signs of experiencing it and yet being unaware of it. It’s the same with worry. Stress, on the other hand, is mostly undetectable but a real swine.

"

There are days when the ability not to feel grief would very much feel like a superpower, to me.

Your posts have educated me today, thank you.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"The words aspie and aspergers have been "downgraded" in some circles and it's not diagnosed in many parts of the UK - it's High Functioning Autism.

Functional labels are no less helpful than references to Hans Asperger. "

I was told off for using the word Aspergers on a FB group. My kids are diagnosed with it.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"The autistic spectrum is wide and varied. It defines a cause and not the effects. It is impossible for anyone to understand an individual with ASD's abilities or difficulties from that single definition. Most laypeoples understanding comes from experience with a single individual, or the media, both of which will often give them a false impression."

And the media seems to just regurgitate stereotypes about autism doesn't it? I imagine it's quite galling.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple  over a year ago

North West


"The autistic spectrum is wide and varied. It defines a cause and not the effects. It is impossible for anyone to understand an individual with ASD's abilities or difficulties from that single definition. Most laypeoples understanding comes from experience with a single individual, or the media, both of which will often give them a false impression.

As they say, “If you’ve met one autistic, you’ve met one autistic”.

Normies can be incredibly frustrating with their assumptions, to be sure. "

It's the same with many (all??) areas of neurodivergence, disability, learning differences etc. One person with condition X is not the same as a second person with the same diagnosis. Autistic people are not unique in being unique.

ABs seem to think all wheelchair users are a) wheelchair BOUND *shudders* and b) can't possibly use their legs in any way, whatsoever. The truth is obviously very different and completely individual to the individual who uses a wheelchair.

Like I said, my "label" is my name. My diagnosis wouldn't fit on a label anyway!!! It'd be the length of the receipt you get from the supermarket when you do the Christmas shop, rather than label-sized

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By *ust little old me 13Man  over a year ago

Preston

This is big...fuck me wow,how do I start?

I'm gunna keep this as basic as I can,I hope anyone who reads this,who has problems expressing emotions,takes something from it

Me.....till I was 37 life was fucking easy,by that I mean,no life changing or reality of life moments thrown at me,my kids sister is severely handicapped,from birth,to me it's normal,I've never known any different,as a kid,I always felt loved,cared for,but I was made to feel like I was soft if I was upset or felt unhappy,and toldI had nothing to be upset about,look at your sister,must have killed my parents,I didn't think fuck all of it then,I was happy to go under the radar and basically within reason,do whatever I liked,I could write a book on the escapees we got upto as kids

Anyway fast forward back to me at 37,life's easy

September 2015 dad's got cancer

October 2015 sister goes into hospital.....for the next 8 months and 7 serious brain operations

December 2015 day after my birthday,my nan died,my second mum

Oct 2016 step son killed in a hit and run incident 15 years old

I've had to learn how to express my emotions, because I didn't know how to,just to process all that and stop it from destroying me,hey I'm a positive person and I'm a strong minded person too,but not expressing my emotions could have killed me.......it's ok not to be ok

Real men cry

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By *penbicoupleCouple  over a year ago

Northampton


"The words aspie and aspergers have been "downgraded" in some circles and it's not diagnosed in many parts of the UK - it's High Functioning Autism.

Functional labels are no less helpful than references to Hans Asperger.

I was told off for using the word Aspergers on a FB group. My kids are diagnosed with it. "

You may have been a victim of some autistic people's aversion to "autistic moms" on social media.

I also would have pointed out that asperger's is an outdated diagnosis, but hopefully would have been a bit more gracious about it!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"The words aspie and aspergers have been "downgraded" in some circles and it's not diagnosed in many parts of the UK - it's High Functioning Autism.

Functional labels are no less helpful than references to Hans Asperger.

I was told off for using the word Aspergers on a FB group. My kids are diagnosed with it.

You may have been a victim of some autistic people's aversion to "autistic moms" on social media.

I also would have pointed out that asperger's is an outdated diagnosis, but hopefully would have been a bit more gracious about it! "

I was asking for support and got told off when it's the diagnosis my kids have. It was a parents group! A little frustrating.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"The words aspie and aspergers have been "downgraded" in some circles and it's not diagnosed in many parts of the UK - it's High Functioning Autism.

Functional labels are no less helpful than references to Hans Asperger.

I was told off for using the word Aspergers on a FB group. My kids are diagnosed with it.

You may have been a victim of some autistic people's aversion to "autistic moms" on social media.

I also would have pointed out that asperger's is an outdated diagnosis, but hopefully would have been a bit more gracious about it!

I was asking for support and got told off when it's the diagnosis my kids have. It was a parents group! A little frustrating."

The parents are sometimes the worst as they can lack the ability to understand how other families are affected differently. They may very well be high functioning neurodivergent but have not sought a diagnosis. Cut them some slack as one would hope for oneself for this is not an easy path.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"The words aspie and aspergers have been "downgraded" in some circles and it's not diagnosed in many parts of the UK - it's High Functioning Autism.

Functional labels are no less helpful than references to Hans Asperger.

I was told off for using the word Aspergers on a FB group. My kids are diagnosed with it.

You may have been a victim of some autistic people's aversion to "autistic moms" on social media.

I also would have pointed out that asperger's is an outdated diagnosis, but hopefully would have been a bit more gracious about it!

I was asking for support and got told off when it's the diagnosis my kids have. It was a parents group! A little frustrating.

The parents are sometimes the worst as they can lack the ability to understand how other families are affected differently. They may very well be high functioning neurodivergent but have not sought a diagnosis. Cut them some slack as one would hope for oneself for this is not an easy path."

I'm a parent of autistics? I just left the group.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman  over a year ago

Reading


"Not that I am answering for other men as I realise my experience may be somewhat different, but my experience may be interesting to some in this discussion.

Before hormone treatment, so under a typical male balance of testosterone and low estrogen, I was pretty emotionally flat with the exception of anger. Now my emotions are much more of a rollercoaster. Not only am I much less prone to anger but feel happiness and sadness much more often and far more intensely"

I'm not sure why some men channel so much of their emotion into anger. Society innit I guess.

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By *rHotNottsMan  over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

I’m not that emotional anymore because I learned as I got older emotions are usually exaggerated responses; road rage, jealous rage, honeymoon periods etc

and so you look back and think what an idiot I couldn’t see rationally, why ? Emotions got in the way

But when I need o have a good cry, at a funeral etc, it’s healthy and essential to grieve then move forward , if I love someone I tell them and show it. If I feel sad , I allow myself to be sad but don’t feel the need to share it with complete strangers etc

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By *oecutterMan  over a year ago

Clonakilty


"

And the media seems to just regurgitate stereotypes about autism doesn't it? I imagine it's quite galling. "

It is. As a consequence I am frequently told my perception and experience of my own autism over the last 58 years is wrong.

I call it “normiesplaining”

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I am comfy with my emotions and I’ve taught my boys, and girls, that emotions aren’t weakness

For instance I can weep at a movie or show but also when beyond upset/angry one welcomes a hug or reassuring word the other means please keep the duck away from me

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By *oecutterMan  over a year ago

Clonakilty


"The words aspie and aspergers have been "downgraded" in some circles and it's not diagnosed in many parts of the UK - it's High Functioning Autism.

Functional labels are no less helpful than references to Hans Asperger.

I was told off for using the word Aspergers on a FB group. My kids are diagnosed with it. "

I wish these people would fall off a cliff. HFA isn’t a diagnosis in the DSM or the ICD. The designated levels relate to support needs not functional abilities.

Functional labels are misleading. And crass.

I’ve been told (more like instructed) by busybodies not to use the term Asperger’s or the epithet “Aspie”. They tell me they’re “offended”.

I don’t give a hoot about their feelings. I was diagnosed as Asperger’s and I love the epithet.

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