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Relationship over- how to proceed
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So I’m not looking for judgement, no on in real life to turn to. Been on the sofa for a couple of weeks, live with my partner and own our house together, she can’t afford the payments and I can’t afford to pay the house and a new place. No idea how we move forward from here without me looking like a tw@t |
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I've been here so I know what you're going through, it's hard but you could either hang tight until the market sorts itself out or if it can't wait then put the house on the market and sell and try and have it all done with leaving it all nicely, bare in mind the longer you leave it then there's a risk of it all going wrong and you could be potentially left with hardly anything, especially with people that can get involved |
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You need a lawyer OP, just the first hour or half an hour to discuss choices and options.
If you’re on that sofa and asking here then you’ve made your decision mentally, the hardest part is saying it out loud; once you do, it’ll be all uphill from there, otherwise it’s just digging a deeper hole to climb from.
Try and treat the entire process as a business decision or series of decisions, taking the emotion out of it wherever you can.
I’ve been on the sofa, it was 25 years ago and I’ve still the remnants of PTSD associated with my climb back to sanity.
PM me if you need to rant or chat, many of us have been there and if we can help, we will  |
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By *ogo1189Man
over a year ago
Rossendale |
I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out. Even so, I don’t understand why both options are for her to keep the house:
Option 1: she keeps the house, you get a new place, each pays for their own but she can’t afford it
Option 2: she keeps the house, you get a new place, you pay for both
Where’s option 3? Why doesn’t she move out into a place she can afford and you keep the house?
Failing that, yes, the reality is you’re going to have to sell and both give it up. You might lose money but that’s how investments work. You don’t always make money. Moreover, buying a house is supposed to be about secure accommodation, not about making money
Seeing the property market as a guaranteed cash cow is exactly why the market has been fucked for the last 25 years and why there are so many homeless and unable to rent, let alone unable to buy
Count yourselves lucky that that’s not you or her. If she can’t afford it and you bought her out, at least you would both have the money to live somewhere and one of you would keep the house. At worst, you both sell and you lose some money. Count yourselves lucky that you had that money to lose. You’ll get it back |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you’re both going your separate ways then as said further up option 3 is you putting yourself first, and she takes care of herself.
It’s harsh but 10 years ago to the day as I write this the apartment was being packed up when she was at work so I could escape that vortex of control.
You must look after yourself first. |
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By *ogo1189Man
over a year ago
Rossendale |
I’d avoid divorce lawyers like the plague too. If you guys have split amicably, divorce lawyers will deliberately ruin that. They’ll exaggerate issues and get you focusing on nothing but the negatives in your relationship for years while it’s dragged through the courts.
All because the worse the other side was, the more they can take through CFA or just standard fees by dragging it out. It will ruin your relationship and put strain on every other relationship you have. Those vultures live to involve kids if you have them too, which isn’t fair on the kids
Speak with property lawyers instead and try to come to an agreement between the two of you. Focus on equity release. Use it to buy her out now and repay the vendor in a manner you can afford. Just make sure your equity release agreement allows you to buy back and isn’t simply you selling and renting back her half of the property |
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"If you’re both going your separate ways then as said further up option 3 is you putting yourself first, and she takes care of herself.
It’s harsh but 10 years ago to the day as I write this the apartment was being packed up when she was at work so I could escape that vortex of control.
You must look after yourself first."
^^^ This and this and this ^^^ |
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By *ogo1189Man
over a year ago
Rossendale |
"I'm so sorry OP, very hard situation 
Try to remember that this is someone that you love or at least loved. Act with dignity, kindness and respect where you can."
Absolutely. Your marriage might not have worked out but you can still have a healthy relationship |
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"I'm so sorry OP, very hard situation
Try to remember that this is someone that you love or at least loved. Act with dignity, kindness and respect where you can.
Absolutely. Your marriage might not have worked out but you can still have a healthy relationship "
Remind yourself of this every day and do your best to calm any argument. When I split from my husband I just repeated in my head that this will be over soon. |
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Sorry to here that been through a divorce myself and may be going through a second one soon!
The first one was more messy than it had to be, solictors got involved etc. However what went in my favor is that she quit her job right after we got married (without discussing it with me) so I paid for everything for 18 months, she moved out back to her mums so was able to get her off the mortgage and deeds easily.
Not sure what you can do if you ca t afford the mortgage by yourself. An option could be rent the house and both of you move out into cheaper accommodation?
My best advice is don't get emotional or start fighting over who owns what. It's only stuff and can be replaced. Switch off your emotions and treat it as a business deal.
Why ex wife thought she was getting loads of money but the house wouldn't sell due to the fact it was put up for "sale" by my brothers estates agents so they made sure no clients knew about it.
I offered her 8k to buy her out but she wanted 10k so said she would wait until the house had sold. Played the long game and then she wanted to get married again but owed her solicitor 2k. She asked me to pay her bill and she would sign the house over. I let her wait for a few weeks to sweat and then paid it.
She didn't do herself any favors she told all her friends I was knocking her around for sympathy and they didn't believe her then found out shevwas having and affair the whole time while playing the victim and took my side.
I actually moved out of our house but didn't tell her and was renting it out and making a nice profit. |
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By *ames-77Man
over a year ago
milton keynes |
"So I’m not looking for judgement, no on in real life to turn to. Been on the sofa for a couple of weeks, live with my partner and own our house together, she can’t afford the payments and I can’t afford to pay the house and a new place. No idea how we move forward from here without me looking like a tw@t"
Tricky situation I've been in this scenario before.. I have advice If you would like to message me.. it's only really truly tricky if you have kids.. why else would you be considering paying for her to stay in the house plus a place for you to live |
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By *ogo1189Man
over a year ago
Rossendale |
"Sorry to here that been through a divorce myself and may be going through a second one soon!
The first one was more messy than it had to be, solictors got involved etc. However what went in my favor is that she quit her job right after we got married (without discussing it with me) so I paid for everything for 18 months, she moved out back to her mums so was able to get her off the mortgage and deeds easily.
Not sure what you can do if you ca t afford the mortgage by yourself. An option could be rent the house and both of you move out into cheaper accommodation?
My best advice is don't get emotional or start fighting over who owns what. It's only stuff and can be replaced. Switch off your emotions and treat it as a business deal.
Why ex wife thought she was getting loads of money but the house wouldn't sell due to the fact it was put up for "sale" by my brothers estates agents so they made sure no clients knew about it.
I offered her 8k to buy her out but she wanted 10k so said she would wait until the house had sold. Played the long game and then she wanted to get married again but owed her solicitor 2k. She asked me to pay her bill and she would sign the house over. I let her wait for a few weeks to sweat and then paid it.
She didn't do herself any favors she told all her friends I was knocking her around for sympathy and they didn't believe her then found out shevwas having and affair the whole time while playing the victim and took my side.
I actually moved out of our house but didn't tell her and was renting it out and making a nice profit."
She might not have told people you were knocking her around for sympathy. There are legal aid advantages if there was violence in the relationship
Solicitors often push couples into saying there was violence when there wasn’t simply so they can get their pay day. Everything said above sounds like a standard divorce where the divorce lawyers have been allowed to have their way
Avoid divorce lawyers like the plague - or like covid, whichever keeps you furthest away |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've recently gone through this myself,
I brought my ex out of the house, I took on a slightly higher mortgage and she got a lump sum to start elsewhere. |
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"So I’m not looking for judgement, no on in real life to turn to. Been on the sofa for a couple of weeks, live with my partner and own our house together, she can’t afford the payments and I can’t afford to pay the house and a new place. No idea how we move forward from here without me looking like a tw@t"
Oh and another piece of advice to let friends or family get in your ear and cloud your judgement. They have all this great advice and myths that they heard from what happened to some mysterious guy down the local pub! They mean well but are shouting from the sidelines and aren't going through it. Block it out, think about what will make you happy and focus on the end game.
Lol when I confronted my wife about the affair she denied everything. So I told her his name address, where he worked, car make, model registration even what position he played in the local football team
The look on her face was priceless and told her I knew for ages and would always be one step ahead.
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Sorry it's not worked out for you OP. Regarding some of the advice of some of the men on here regarding what women are like when they are getting divorced, is absolute twaddle or every man on here is extremely unlucky.
I female moved out the marital home as I couldn't afford it. We did get solicitors because there was issues with pensions, so it was just simpler. There was no encouragement from the solicitor to say anything untrue whatsoever. In all honesty it was a simple process much the same as using a solicitor when purchasing a house etc. |
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By *ogo1189Man
over a year ago
Rossendale |
"Sorry it's not worked out for you OP. Regarding some of the advice of some of the men on here regarding what women are like when they are getting divorced, is absolute twaddle or every man on here is extremely unlucky.
I female moved out the marital home as I couldn't afford it. We did get solicitors because there was issues with pensions, so it was just simpler. There was no encouragement from the solicitor to say anything untrue whatsoever. In all honesty it was a simple process much the same as using a solicitor when purchasing a house etc. "
From the law society website: “Legal aid is no longer available for most divorce cases, unless there are concerns of domestic abuse or violence. It’s still available for mediation.”
What does the government think is going to happen to people when their partner involves lawyers but they, themselves, can’t afford them? There’s little choice other than to say there was violence even when there wasn’t
Gender makes no difference in the situation
There’s more than one way to encourage an action. People don’t always outright say what they want you to do, the drop hints like this
It sounds like you went for mediation rather than taking it to court, or you could both afford to pay
Even the mediation service is questionable. All it takes is one unscrupulous lawyer to say “I think you’re entitled to more and mediation isn’t going to work” for it to all fall apart and we’re back to the question of affordability
Remember, the longer the divorce goes on, the more they get paid. If the couple get back together, the pay cheques stop
I’ve no doubt there are some good lawyers out there but market forces are unquestionably against ethics in this arena |
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thought I could stay there but now unsure