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Lesson learnt, or is it?
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
In the last two weeks I have had someone show up 2 hours late (I had assumed I was stood up), two people cancel roughly 5 hours before (one in reply to my message checking details, the other was the only person to contact me first and was actually apologetic), and one who when I messaged to sort the details the morning of never replied.
These are all people I have met in person before.
I am the common denominator. So I think a lesson should be learnt. But... will I learn it? 
Tell me what lesson you have learnt recently or what lesson you keep failing to learn?  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
Never send a message saying you want space and no contact because you're not enjoying the conversation and weird dynamic.
It's not worth the toxicity and lies that follow. You don't need to tell someone what actions you're taking. Just do it.
I hope you learn your lesson Amber. Tut tut. (I don't think it's a *you* problem but who the fuck knows any more).
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Never send a message saying you want space and no contact because you're not enjoying the conversation and weird dynamic.
It's not worth the toxicity and lies that follow. You don't need to tell someone what actions you're taking. Just do it.
I hope you learn your lesson Amber. Tut tut. (I don't think it's a *you* problem but who the fuck knows any more).
"
Omg Meli 
Sorry that you learned that lesson |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Amber, I'm genuinely struggling to see a 'you lesson' in that. Can you see a common theme in the messages in the build up?
Meli, that's a shitty but useful lesson.
Jx"
What about my sympathy |
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People aren’t always totally honest in their interactions here or in non monogamy in general and I need to be more cautious.
Ps if any readers think it’s about them, it’s not o just got stood up by a guy. |
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"Amber, I'm genuinely struggling to see a 'you lesson' in that. Can you see a common theme in the messages in the build up?
Meli, that's a shitty but useful lesson.
Jx
What about my sympathy"
Was yours genuine? You were laughing. OK, I'm glad you learned such a valuable lesson and that the repulsion dies down soon.
Am I going to have to give everyone on this thread sympathy? 
J |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Amber, I'm genuinely struggling to see a 'you lesson' in that. Can you see a common theme in the messages in the build up?
Meli, that's a shitty but useful lesson.
Jx
What about my sympathy
Was yours genuine? You were laughing. OK, I'm glad you learned such a valuable lesson and that the repulsion dies down soon.
Am I going to have to give everyone on this thread sympathy?
J"
I think you will  |
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"Never send a message saying you want space and no contact because you're not enjoying the conversation and weird dynamic.
It's not worth the toxicity and lies that follow. You don't need to tell someone what actions you're taking. Just do it.
I hope you learn your lesson Amber. Tut tut. (I don't think it's a *you* problem but who the fuck knows any more).
"
That is fucking really shit. I am sorry Meli. You shouldnt receive abuse for being honest.
"
You don't need to tell someone what actions you're taking. Just do it.
"
This is a good point though and I am going to take that away with me.  |
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"In the last two weeks I have had someone show up 2 hours late (I had assumed I was stood up), two people cancel roughly 5 hours before (one in reply to my message checking details, the other was the only person to contact me first and was actually apologetic), and one who when I messaged to sort the details the morning of never replied.
These are all people I have met in person before.
I am the common denominator. So I think a lesson should be learnt. But... will I learn it?
Tell me what lesson you have learnt recently or what lesson you keep failing to learn? "
I don't think there's a lesson apart from you shouldn't meet 3 of the guys again - nothing to do with you I don't think, although I'm sorry that happened. If anything, they should be the ones learning a lesson about respect. I said 3 instead of all, because the guy who contacted first and was apologetic may have had a valid reason, but you'll know better. |
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If anyone is more that 3 minutes and 42 seconds late that's it for me, I'm done.
I am 100% certain it's not you. You could charm the chrome off a trailer hitch.
What have I learnt. That I need to stop talking myself out of meeting people. That's become a bad habit lately. Although I haven't arranged and cancelled, just throwing that out there, given the context. I just keep stalling, something is going on in the auld noggin.
Never learn... Hmmm that putting off admin and then trying to do it all in one go doesn't work. Oh and that bacon does not qualify as one of your 5 a day. |
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"Amber, I'm genuinely struggling to see a 'you lesson' in that. Can you see a common theme in the messages in the build up?
Meli, that's a shitty but useful lesson.
Jx"
I think my lesson is message 24 hours before to confirm. If they don't get back to you by the morning of it is ok to assume it is cancelled and make other plans, that making other plans is not unfair. |
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"The real me is too much to handle and I'm sick of masking just to fit in.
It's much easier to stay away from people and drama and not get hurt.
K
"
Oh I have had the "you are a bit much" shit. It is outrageously frustrating. I have had this less from the swingers group social scene than anywhere else in life and I mask way less too. Possibly because we are all "a bit much".
Anyone that finds you "too much" is missing out on your passion and excitement and don't deserve your time. Though I also know that is easier said than felt. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Also, I don’t think you’ll learn your lesson you little masochist 
I mean if people keep cancelling how will I receive the pain I so desire?"
you will keep arranging meets because you secretly love being stood up and let down? |
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"I've had all of that from people I've met yet still met them again. I always expect cancellations, it's comes with the territory. I always have a plan B.
pt"
It is not so much that is has happened as it definitely comes with fab life and more that it has happened with people I have met before so I may be choosing badly (or reading signs badly) and that I don't love having other people as plan b's. But that doesn't mean I can't have a different type of plan b. Take out and vibrator can also be fun.  |
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"People aren’t always totally honest in their interactions here or in non monogamy in general and I need to be more cautious.
Ps if any readers think it’s about them, it’s not o just got stood up by a guy. "
I would be very happy to be your plan b. Fuck that guy (well you are not but you know what I mean).
It is difficult though to maintain a line between enjoyment and caution.
Come up North and twang my suspenders and we can comiserate together. I know a good dungeon. |
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"People aren’t always totally honest in their interactions here or in non monogamy in general and I need to be more cautious.
Ps if any readers think it’s about them, it’s not o just got stood up by a guy.
I would be very happy to be your plan b. Fuck that guy (well you are not but you know what I mean).
It is difficult though to maintain a line between enjoyment and caution.
Come up North and twang my suspenders and we can comiserate together. I know a good dungeon."
I know it might be a while till I see you again but I know it’ll be worth it when I do. You’re truly a great friend. |
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"Maybe the lesson is that if you arrange to meet 4 people in a short space of time on an internet site, the probability is that at least some of them will be unreliable "
I will keep that in mind should I ever do it.
In this case one was met on fab but I have met him three times before. The other 3 were met in real life. And I have spoken to/seen a number of times over the course of a few months
Not sure that makes this any better though  |
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"Amber, I'm genuinely struggling to see a 'you lesson' in that. Can you see a common theme in the messages in the build up?
Meli, that's a shitty but useful lesson.
Jx
I think my lesson is message 24 hours before to confirm. If they don't get back to you by the morning of it is ok to assume it is cancelled and make other plans, that making other plans is not unfair."
Good plan. |
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"Lesson I keep failing to learn - to be realistic in my expectations of myself. Sounds a bit shit, OP. I'd go with a big wank instead.
Mrs TMN x"
Oh that is a good one.
Don't set youraelf up for failure. Ambition is good. Over expectation is bad.
Hard one to learn though. Good luck.
Off for a big wank now. |
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"In the last two weeks I have had someone show up 2 hours late (I had assumed I was stood up), two people cancel roughly 5 hours before (one in reply to my message checking details, the other was the only person to contact me first and was actually apologetic), and one who when I messaged to sort the details the morning of never replied.
These are all people I have met in person before.
I am the common denominator. So I think a lesson should be learnt. But... will I learn it?
Tell me what lesson you have learnt recently or what lesson you keep failing to learn?
I don't think there's a lesson apart from you shouldn't meet 3 of the guys again - nothing to do with you I don't think, although I'm sorry that happened. If anything, they should be the ones learning a lesson about respect. I said 3 instead of all, because the guy who contacted first and was apologetic may have had a valid reason, but you'll know better."
Thank you. To be honest two, maybe three, maybe even all have a valid reason. But only one handled it well. Things happen, sometimes you have to cancel but I am definitely going to be changing how I deal with arranging socials (and meets) in the future even when I already know the person. |
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"In the last two weeks I have had someone show up 2 hours late (I had assumed I was stood up), two people cancel roughly 5 hours before (one in reply to my message checking details, the other was the only person to contact me first and was actually apologetic), and one who when I messaged to sort the details the morning of never replied.
These are all people I have met in person before.
I am the common denominator. So I think a lesson should be learnt. But... will I learn it?
Tell me what lesson you have learnt recently or what lesson you keep failing to learn?
I don't think there's a lesson apart from you shouldn't meet 3 of the guys again - nothing to do with you I don't think, although I'm sorry that happened. If anything, they should be the ones learning a lesson about respect. I said 3 instead of all, because the guy who contacted first and was apologetic may have had a valid reason, but you'll know better.
Thank you. To be honest two, maybe three, maybe even all have a valid reason. But only one handled it well. Things happen, sometimes you have to cancel but I am definitely going to be changing how I deal with arranging socials (and meets) in the future even when I already know the person. "
I just saw your post about messaging 24 hours before - yes definitely, I always send something like 'looking forward to seeing you tomorrow' just so they know it's happening! If I'm travelling, I also give updates like 'on the train', etc. because I want them to know. They should've done it for sure. |
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"If anyone is more that 3 minutes and 42 seconds late that's it for me, I'm done.
I am 100% certain it's not you. You could charm the chrome off a trailer hitch.
What have I learnt. That I need to stop talking myself out of meeting people. That's become a bad habit lately. Although I haven't arranged and cancelled, just throwing that out there, given the context. I just keep stalling, something is going on in the auld noggin.
Never learn... Hmmm that putting off admin and then trying to do it all in one go doesn't work. Oh and that bacon does not qualify as one of your 5 a day."
Jesus. How many times do I have to apologise for that extra 4 seconds? And what exactly am I doing to the trailer hitch?
Sometimes we talk ourselves out of things we don't actually want to do. Sometimes we talk ourselves out of things that we want because we think we don't deserve it or that we won't get it or some other self sabotage. You might need to talk to someone wise to figure it out. I highly recommend therapy too.
Have some beans with your bacon. That counts. And putting off admin is my default position now. This is definitely a lesson I have not learnt either. Good luck.  |
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"Also, I don’t think you’ll learn your lesson you little masochist
I mean if people keep cancelling how will I receive the pain I so desire? you will keep arranging meets because you secretly love being stood up and let down? "
|
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"My lesson learned is not to take over someone else's thread. 
J
Oh shush (in the nicest way!). You're not taking over someone's thread. Just being an adorable contributor to it. "
Here, here.
But if either of you want to tie me up and take over I am fine with that. |
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"People aren’t always totally honest in their interactions here or in non monogamy in general and I need to be more cautious.
Ps if any readers think it’s about them, it’s not o just got stood up by a guy.
I would be very happy to be your plan b. Fuck that guy (well you are not but you know what I mean).
It is difficult though to maintain a line between enjoyment and caution.
Come up North and twang my suspenders and we can comiserate together. I know a good dungeon.
I know it might be a while till I see you again but I know it’ll be worth it when I do. You’re truly a great friend. "
|
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"
I think my lesson is message 24 hours before to confirm. If they don't get back to you by the morning of it is ok to assume it is cancelled and make other plans, that making other plans is not unfair.
Good plan."
Thank you |
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"
I just saw your post about messaging 24 hours before - yes definitely, I always send something like 'looking forward to seeing you tomorrow' just so they know it's happening! If I'm travelling, I also give updates like 'on the train', etc. because I want them to know. They should've done it for sure."
Yeah I can over communicate and I have tried to chill out with that but I may have gone too far in the other direction so I will be taking this approach in the future. . |
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By *mber81 OP Woman
over a year ago
Lives in Preston, Eng |
"My lesson learned is not to take over someone else's thread.
J
You can take over my thread any day.
I’ll watch please"
Think I might not arrange anything with men for a while so you will just have to imagine. |
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"I've had all of that from people I've met yet still met them again. I always expect cancellations, it's comes with the territory. I always have a plan B.
pt
It is not so much that is has happened as it definitely comes with fab life and more that it has happened with people I have met before so I may be choosing badly (or reading signs badly) and that I don't love having other people as plan b's. But that doesn't mean I can't have a different type of plan b. Take out and vibrator can also be fun.
"
I just think shit happens if life. It's a plus when these things come off. All kinds things can happen, and the last thing I'd want is anything to be forced too (supposing someone isn't feeling it or even communicative any more), as forced in that way is a disaster for all sex imo, even the kinky shit I'm into lol. (I'm kind of suspicious of people who coerce and push far too much too - one or two people are Fab actually deserve to be eventually let down imo.)
My Plan B's are normally other things, especially if I'm travelling somewhere. I don't think I've ever managed a plan b that's someone else - that does seem a bit off, though I'm sure I've looked around after being left free again (ie dumped but in more positive language)!
pt |
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"If anyone is more that 3 minutes and 42 seconds late that's it for me, I'm done.
I am 100% certain it's not you. You could charm the chrome off a trailer hitch.
What have I learnt. That I need to stop talking myself out of meeting people. That's become a bad habit lately. Although I haven't arranged and cancelled, just throwing that out there, given the context. I just keep stalling, something is going on in the auld noggin.
Never learn... Hmmm that putting off admin and then trying to do it all in one go doesn't work. Oh and that bacon does not qualify as one of your 5 a day.
Jesus. How many times do I have to apologise for that extra 4 seconds? And what exactly am I doing to the trailer hitch?
Sometimes we talk ourselves out of things we don't actually want to do. Sometimes we talk ourselves out of things that we want because we think we don't deserve it or that we won't get it or some other self sabotage. You might need to talk to someone wise to figure it out. I highly recommend therapy too.
Have some beans with your bacon. That counts. And putting off admin is my default position now. This is definitely a lesson I have not learnt either. Good luck. "
I'm trying to let it go, but those 4 seconds where an eternity of anguish.
Oops did I commit a malaphor? How clumsy of me not to notice.
Therapy pffft waste of time. Besides I made the last one cry and then felt guilty about it.
Beans genius, why didn't I think of that? |
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