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Feelings of inadequacy
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By *ede OP Woman
over a year ago
the abyss |
Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others  |
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By *apidaryMan
over a year ago
Chipping Norton |
There's a sonnet about desiring everyone else's abilities, about feeling that your own are rubbish in comparison, complaining that everything you do is second rate compared to what everyone else can do. The guy who wrote it was thoroughly miserable, utterly convinced of his own inadequacy. It always cheers me up a little; it was written by Shakespeare.
He meant it, too. And we all get those feelings from time to time. Focusing on the things and people one enjoys, on the task at hand, on the next meal, on whatever little positives one can find - that's no solution, but it often seems the best approach. |
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"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others "
Oh definitely, great topic! I find it highly depends on the context for me - on some issues, I have full conviction in what I'm doing and don't care what others think - I'm happy to debate them even. On others though, like here for example, it is driven by feedback - the usual, criticism, rejection, etc. I don't think I have a way to deal with them either - sometimes I may wallow in self pity (even though it's not helpful) but generally, I try to improve myself in some way when that happens. Then, it's about looking forward to good experiences in the future and hoping the bad memories naturally fade away. Some of these feelings are constantly locked in though and re-surface from time to time, and in those cases, I try to look at it positively - try to be a better person than I was when I felt inadequate. |
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By *ede OP Woman
over a year ago
the abyss |
"There's a sonnet about desiring everyone else's abilities, about feeling that your own are rubbish in comparison, complaining that everything you do is second rate compared to what everyone else can do. The guy who wrote it was thoroughly miserable, utterly convinced of his own inadequacy. It always cheers me up a little; it was written by Shakespeare.
He meant it, too. And we all get those feelings from time to time. Focusing on the things and people one enjoys, on the task at hand, on the next meal, on whatever little positives one can find - that's no solution, but it often seems the best approach."
Do you know the title of the sonnet? I would love to read it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Social media doesn’t help, everyone posts their best lives, but never the trials and tribulations.
It give a false impression of “normal”.
I’ve lived with imposter syndrome most of my working life, it’s illogical but I just have to manage it.
As you say, it’s Friday  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes, that little bitchy voice is constant in the back of my brain. Apparently is due to the way my needs weren't fulfilled when an infant or so, not much we can't do. I manage and cope with logic. I write down my achievements, I set goals to achieve, small and big, so I don't forget how fucking amazing I am.
I started writing letters to myself in the past and in the future, and read them helps a lot.
There are other tricks, it worths the effort to experiment a bit. As our brain tends to play with us, we need to be smarter than ourselves
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"Apparently is due to the way my needs weren't fulfilled when an infant or so, not much we can't do."
This psychodynamic theory is not really scientific - the usual approach is to blame anything and everything on childhood issues and the unconscious, etc. And because these can't be falsified, they offer little value imo. |
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"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others "
I think we all sometimes struggle that way, I have no real suggestions as to how to abate them. If it’s worth anything, we think you’re awesome xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Apparently is due to the way my needs weren't fulfilled when an infant or so, not much we can't do.
This psychodynamic theory is not really scientific - the usual approach is to blame anything and everything on childhood issues and the unconscious, etc. And because these can't be falsified, they offer little value imo."
I have no idea, Does it really make a difference after 40+x years? 
what I know is sometimes having a reason, a diagnosis, an explanation.. help to frame the problem and tackle it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I get major imposter syndrome! I really struggle at work to feel like I belong in spaces or that I’m good or smart enough.
I have been in relationships where I’ve felt like I’m not good enough. And I think those feelings still creep into my relationships now which makes me difficult I think because I sometimes want or ask for reassurance. Words of affirmation are big on my love languages now and years ago they weren’t. So that’s interesting and I think it makes me a needy and intense partner to have.
Anyway generally now I know my worth. I see that there’s good in me and that it’s possible that others see that too. And I think I’m desirable and attractive and worthy of being loved. So I will not settle for less anymore. Not in friendships or in relationships. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Imposter syndrome?
Yeah. It creeps in from time to time.
Human nature though isn't it, to reflect, doubt and give in to negativity.
I just pick a fight with myself, prove a point to me that it's wrong.
Dig your heels in. Stare it down.
So much more fun that way. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I get major imposter syndrome! I really struggle at work to feel like I belong in spaces or that I’m good or smart enough.
I have been in relationships where I’ve felt like I’m not good enough. And I think those feelings still creep into my relationships now which makes me difficult I think because I sometimes want or ask for reassurance. Words of affirmation are big on my love languages now and years ago they weren’t. So that’s interesting and I think it makes me a needy and intense partner to have.
Anyway generally now I know my worth. I see that there’s good in me and that it’s possible that others see that too. And I think I’m desirable and attractive and worthy of being loved. So I will not settle for less anymore. Not in friendships or in relationships. "
When I self sabotage I look in the mirror. Tell myself some affirmations and then I meditate. |
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"Apparently is due to the way my needs weren't fulfilled when an infant or so, not much we can't do.
This psychodynamic theory is not really scientific - the usual approach is to blame anything and everything on childhood issues and the unconscious, etc. And because these can't be falsified, they offer little value imo.
I have no idea, Does it really make a difference after 40+x years?
what I know is sometimes having a reason, a diagnosis, an explanation.. help to frame the problem and tackle it. "
Yeah, that's true, but there are better methods to tackle the problem - like the cognitive-behavioural approach. Better than the Greek mythology as psychology approach of psychodynamics imo  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Oh GOD YES!
Do I ever have feelings of inadequacy, of not being enough etc the list can go in. Yes they stem from insecurity and lack of self confidence.
You know your not enough, comparing all the time. I'm grown up, some things I think sod it take me as I am. Other times when it's something I really really care about, I know I'm not enough. I end up trying to sabotage it, just get away because I hate the feeling of lack of self worth and the host of other negative feelings it provokes.
And then I'm fine, but then something triggers it, a comment, photos etc that a mutual friend has liked and it invades your space.
I now block. I don't want to see. Be poked and triggered by someone else having fun. They can post that stuff, it's not horrific, or bad it's just fun, but for me it's painful and just reiterates horrible feelings.
How do I try and stop it? I have to let it ride out. Sometimes it can take days, no sleep constant low moods. Other times I vent it out, but it's how I do that, that can cause problems. |
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By *ede OP Woman
over a year ago
the abyss |
"I get major imposter syndrome! I really struggle at work to feel like I belong in spaces or that I’m good or smart enough.
I have been in relationships where I’ve felt like I’m not good enough. And I think those feelings still creep into my relationships now which makes me difficult I think because I sometimes want or ask for reassurance. Words of affirmation are big on my love languages now and years ago they weren’t. So that’s interesting and I think it makes me a needy and intense partner to have.
Anyway generally now I know my worth. I see that there’s good in me and that it’s possible that others see that too. And I think I’m desirable and attractive and worthy of being loved. So I will not settle for less anymore. Not in friendships or in relationships. "
Yes imposter syndrome is horrible. I definitely understand the feeling like you are a hard partner to have. Do you feel the affirmations always help to soothe you worries? |
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It’s a constant feeling and in all aspects of my life.
I’m not doing well enough at work.
Not getting it right as a parent.
Not being a good enough wife.
Kidding myself that I should get any interest on here for anything other than a quick shag.
I find when I feel like I am winning in one aspect then I’m failing in the others.
Sometimes I can bury these feelings but other times they get to me and keep me awake at night. I guess I just live with it. It’s part of being me and I know it’s not uncommon.
Kx |
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By *ede OP Woman
over a year ago
the abyss |
"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others
I think we all sometimes struggle that way, I have no real suggestions as to how to abate them. If it’s worth anything, we think you’re awesome xx"
Awww you two 
I definitely agree and think everyone struggles now and then through life though. |
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By *ede OP Woman
over a year ago
the abyss |
"It’s a constant feeling and in all aspects of my life.
I’m not doing well enough at work.
Not getting it right as a parent.
Not being a good enough wife.
Kidding myself that I should get any interest on here for anything other than a quick shag.
I find when I feel like I am winning in one aspect then I’m failing in the others.
Sometimes I can bury these feelings but other times they get to me and keep me awake at night. I guess I just live with it. It’s part of being me and I know it’s not uncommon.
Kx"
I definitely feel this |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I get major imposter syndrome! I really struggle at work to feel like I belong in spaces or that I’m good or smart enough.
I have been in relationships where I’ve felt like I’m not good enough. And I think those feelings still creep into my relationships now which makes me difficult I think because I sometimes want or ask for reassurance. Words of affirmation are big on my love languages now and years ago they weren’t. So that’s interesting and I think it makes me a needy and intense partner to have.
Anyway generally now I know my worth. I see that there’s good in me and that it’s possible that others see that too. And I think I’m desirable and attractive and worthy of being loved. So I will not settle for less anymore. Not in friendships or in relationships.
Yes imposter syndrome is horrible. I definitely understand the feeling like you are a hard partner to have. Do you feel the affirmations always help to soothe you worries?"
Most of the time they don’t help but sometimes they do. Therapy helps the most  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I regularly put myself down before others do as it hurts less if I do. I apologise to others for being boring, banal or not bringing much to the friendship. When I go pub quizzing I over do it as feel have to prove my worth and my presence on the team.
A lifetime of trying to live to other people's expectations has left my confidence destroyed. Even when I did work I had imposter syndrome.
It's left me questioning why I am even here any more and the world would be better if I wasn't. Living with those thoughts but not acting on them leaves me jaded and lacking motivation to change as don't know how to change or believe change will work. So I plod on and be grateful I don't have addictions to completely destroy myself. |
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By *host63Man
over a year ago
Bedfont Feltham |
"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others "
A person would not be human if they did not have feelings like this from time to time.
Speaking as a man who genuinely likes this lifestyle and is on here this site and the level of rejection you get does make these feelings worse in a way.
If I am feeling low I just avoid fab and focus on the other things that make me feel good, such as my dancing working and other things that make me happy. |
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By *ede OP Woman
over a year ago
the abyss |
"I regularly put myself down before others do as it hurts less if I do. I apologise to others for being boring, banal or not bringing much to the friendship. When I go pub quizzing I over do it as feel have to prove my worth and my presence on the team.
A lifetime of trying to live to other people's expectations has left my confidence destroyed. Even when I did work I had imposter syndrome.
It's left me questioning why I am even here any more and the world would be better if I wasn't. Living with those thoughts but not acting on them leaves me jaded and lacking motivation to change as don't know how to change or believe change will work. So I plod on and be grateful I don't have addictions to completely destroy myself. "
Yes I definitely agree with the putting yourself down first hurts less - preempting it. Being unable to take compliments comes into that bracket too.
It's never easy sitting with the feelings but they can become the 'norm'!
Extra soft pillows for your pillow fort today |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's honestly a constant battle in every aspect of my life. At work when I deal with serious impostor syndrome and feeling that I have to constantly prove I'm good enough at my job or else I'll end up getting "found out" and having others think I'm a liability although that's something I'm trying to work on.
In my personal life, wanting to make sure I do well by my family and especially my parents who worked their arses off to give me a good life and wanting to live to what I think their expectations are.
And I've especially been feeling it on Fab recently where I see so many people having meets and new verifications and wondering where I'm going wrong despite feeling like I've done everything by the book in how to set my profile out and it still doesn't work (another single male moaning, I know) which has caused me to feel qute inadequate.
I know this is a long post, but I suppose a lot of my inadequacies come from what I think other people's expectations of me are and wanting to live up to them and not knowing how to get that satisfaction from myself. |
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"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others "
Could be worth looking into hormone / diet / cortisol/ adrenal / supplements aspects that influence this. You won’t get sound advice from a GP but you will from a functional medic |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others "
Oh lovely, I could have written this.
I constantly struggle with not feeling good enough in almost all situations.
I also tie myself in knots over things I really shouldn't because of it.
I don't know the answer, but I hope you find a way to deal with it.
I tend to keep pushing myself but as a result I have really shitty boundaries and people please far too much. |
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By *ede OP Woman
over a year ago
the abyss |
"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others
Could be worth looking into hormone / diet / cortisol/ adrenal / supplements aspects that influence this. You won’t get sound advice from a GP but you will from a functional medic "
I've definitely thought about looking into this as it has seemed to get worse over time - thank you |
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" Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?"
For me, 100% high family expectations and strict cultural imperatives. Achievements were barely acknowledged let alone celebrated but unsatisfactory outcomes were punished - the kind of treatment that generates both fear of failure and fear of success. I got a lot of pressure easing after my father died, sorry to admit. I will continue feeling that I have underperformed in life and thinking that maybe I am lazy or useless. But have also reached a stage where all bets are off.
R has been very helpful in untangling this, equating self worth with achievement, even though he is bound down by similar pressures. He likes to remind me the popular quote "I am a human being, not a human doing". I am still trying to identify my authentic drive/ambition, ie. what I sincerely want to achieve for myself and those I care for vs the goals I was taught I should be aiming for. |
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I used to worry about what other people thought. Then I realised that everyone is worrying about themselves and they don’t have time to worry about anything else. Most people don’t even see me so I just decided to not care about what I thought others might be thinking about me and just focus on having fun and enjoying life.
#problemSolved |
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By *loydyMan
over a year ago
British |
"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others "
don't bottle it up look for a friendly ear male or female |
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By *essaMayWoman
over a year ago
Fairytale Wood |
I see the threads some i read, some i avoid. But whether forums chat or messages these sites and social media are total BS fests. Pretty much everyone is bigging themselves up.
If a thread is started about FFM then pretty much every following comment will be claiming to have done one better.
Its not easy but a good starting place is finding the strength to realise you're not inadequate you are you and not someone else. I know your feelings i was there once, someone helped me.
Just remember that take what people say here and other social media with a pinch of salt. Recognise your own worth and not what what you think other people think. More often than not they are trying to cover up their own feelings of inadequacy.
Good look OP  |
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By *ede OP Woman
over a year ago
the abyss |
" Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
For me, 100% high family expectations and strict cultural imperatives. Achievements were barely acknowledged let alone celebrated but unsatisfactory outcomes were punished - the kind of treatment that generates both fear of failure and fear of success. I got a lot of pressure easing after my father died, sorry to admit. I will continue feeling that I have underperformed in life and thinking that maybe I am lazy or useless. But have also reached a stage where all bets are off.
R has been very helpful in untangling this, equating self worth with achievement, even though he is bound down by similar pressures. He likes to remind me the popular quote "I am a human being, not a human doing". I am still trying to identify my authentic drive/ambition, ie. what I sincerely want to achieve for myself and those I care for vs the goals I was taught I should be aiming for."
That is such a good point - it so often blurs what we really want to achieve in life and what would truly make us happy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm okay until I start comparing myself. That's a shortcut to feeling inadequate but so hard to stop.
J"
Agreed, esp on social media or sites like this |
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By *viatrixWoman
over a year ago
Redhill |
Only place I feel like this is at work.
I mostly work with people up to 32 years younger than I- and it seems that we women can’t be kind to one other through the ages … never have and never will! sometimes I get patronised by girls who could be my daughters… and I feel a bit insecure/incompetent because I am maybe not tall enough, slim enough, beautiful enough, young enough?
But sure as hell I am intelligent, cultivated and educated more than enough, so I try to give myself a pep talk before every work day. Most times unsuccessfully.
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It was something that plagued me in my childhood and early life.
I can pretty much pinpoint it yes. I've learnt to be quite deeply introspective, the know thyself and own your shit principle is one that I place a lot of stock in.
Nothing was ever good enough for my Dad. I have no recollection of praise from him at all. Just abuse. I was 'stupid' despite achieving academically. I was 'lazy' yet I was in football and rugby teams, did Judo and ran 3 different distances for the athletics team. Had jobs from 13.
I rebelled hard in my adolescence; having undiagnosed ADHD probably didn't help. But for a long time it niggled away at my core. I found it very hard to believe I was lovable. I carried a lot of shame from the abuse I experienced. Kindness freaked me out: what is it they want me to do? And I found, it was only partners who'd experienced similar who could cope with me. I used to get so defensive, when partners would be sympathetic: I believed they would leave, when they 'found out'. I think that's hard to understand unless you've had similar. Nobody wants to hear that shit. I mean I must have deserved it, I kept being told I did. I didn't understand why, so I guess I must be stupid. Otherwise why was this happening to me?
Took me a long time to get to a place that I could call self-acceptance. I'm still crap at self-care. But I can say if others believe that I'm not good enough that's their problem. And I can let people love me, although it's not easy at times. But then I'm not sure it's supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows? That's good enough for me, I guess.
Even now, sometimes I still find myself saying she's too nice for me. Old habits die hard. At least I can laugh at it, albeit ironically. |
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"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others "
All the god dam time and it does my bloody head in.
Feeling inadequate is horrible and I wish I knew what brought it on and how to change it but unfortunately I've no answers for you.
I'm currently in one of the I'm shit at everything periods, parenting, being a partner, general adulting and life.
I need a huge kick up the arse & I do wish I could see myself as others do or maybe they are just being kind when they say I'm doing well I'm not too sure.
I hope you feel better soon Cede it's a horrible feeling.
Mrs x |
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Sometimes difficult to rationalise something which in its nature is irrational- one way I find to deal with a feeling that I might not be as good at something as someone is to
Compete against someone I know I can beat - myself… I can get better at things and i can measure that by setting myself goals. Competing or comparing against others is self defeating as you aren’t them. X |
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By *assy69Man
over a year ago
West Sussex and Wales |
"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others "
Every day, I always feel inadequate with regards to my job. I know I am bloody good at it, that I know it all inside out, but even so, I am always filled with self doubt when advising clients  |
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"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others
All the god dam time and it does my bloody head in.
Feeling inadequate is horrible and I wish I knew what brought it on and how to change it but unfortunately I've no answers for you.
I'm currently in one of the I'm shit at everything periods, parenting, being a partner, general adulting and life.
I need a huge kick up the arse & I do wish I could see myself as others do or maybe they are just being kind when they say I'm doing well I'm not too sure.
I hope you feel better soon Cede it's a horrible feeling.
Mrs x"
Now if that had been a cock up the arse.. I could have helped!!  x |
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By *ede OP Woman
over a year ago
the abyss |
"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others
All the god dam time and it does my bloody head in.
Feeling inadequate is horrible and I wish I knew what brought it on and how to change it but unfortunately I've no answers for you.
I'm currently in one of the I'm shit at everything periods, parenting, being a partner, general adulting and life.
I need a huge kick up the arse & I do wish I could see myself as others do or maybe they are just being kind when they say I'm doing well I'm not too sure.
I hope you feel better soon Cede it's a horrible feeling.
Mrs x"
I hate the goblins that say people are just being nice rather than honest. Especially trying to explain to them that you don't think they are lying - your brain just doesn't compute the compliment  |
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"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others
All the god dam time and it does my bloody head in.
Feeling inadequate is horrible and I wish I knew what brought it on and how to change it but unfortunately I've no answers for you.
I'm currently in one of the I'm shit at everything periods, parenting, being a partner, general adulting and life.
I need a huge kick up the arse & I do wish I could see myself as others do or maybe they are just being kind when they say I'm doing well I'm not too sure.
I hope you feel better soon Cede it's a horrible feeling.
Mrs x
I hate the goblins that say people are just being nice rather than honest. Especially trying to explain to them that you don't think they are lying - your brain just doesn't compute the compliment "
It's difficult isn't it, I don't think people are generally that fake or lying but.... I can't see it myself so it's difficult to understand their perspective I guess when your brain thinks the opposite.
You sound very like me which isn't great I wanna give you a hug so virtual hugs incoming
Mrs |
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"There's a sonnet about desiring everyone else's abilities, about feeling that your own are rubbish in comparison, complaining that everything you do is second rate compared to what everyone else can do. The guy who wrote it was thoroughly miserable, utterly convinced of his own inadequacy. It always cheers me up a little; it was written by Shakespeare.
He meant it, too. And we all get those feelings from time to time. Focusing on the things and people one enjoys, on the task at hand, on the next meal, on whatever little positives one can find - that's no solution, but it often seems the best approach.
Do you know the title of the sonnet? I would love to read it."
Sonnet 150
Frank |
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By *apidaryMan
over a year ago
Chipping Norton |
No, I was mainly thinking of 29:
When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man’s art and that man’s scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
(Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth) sings hymns at heaven’s gate;
For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.
|
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By *ede OP Woman
over a year ago
the abyss |
"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others
All the god dam time and it does my bloody head in.
Feeling inadequate is horrible and I wish I knew what brought it on and how to change it but unfortunately I've no answers for you.
I'm currently in one of the I'm shit at everything periods, parenting, being a partner, general adulting and life.
I need a huge kick up the arse & I do wish I could see myself as others do or maybe they are just being kind when they say I'm doing well I'm not too sure.
I hope you feel better soon Cede it's a horrible feeling.
Mrs x
I hate the goblins that say people are just being nice rather than honest. Especially trying to explain to them that you don't think they are lying - your brain just doesn't compute the compliment
It's difficult isn't it, I don't think people are generally that fake or lying but.... I can't see it myself so it's difficult to understand their perspective I guess when your brain thinks the opposite.
You sound very like me which isn't great I wanna give you a hug so virtual hugs incoming
Mrs "
Real hugs soon |
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"It's honestly a constant battle in every aspect of my life. At work when I deal with serious impostor syndrome and feeling that I have to constantly prove I'm good enough at my job or else I'll end up getting "found out" and having others think I'm a liability although that's something I'm trying to work on.
In my personal life, wanting to make sure I do well by my family and especially my parents who worked their arses off to give me a good life and wanting to live to what I think their expectations are.
And I've especially been feeling it on Fab recently where I see so many people having meets and new verifications and wondering where I'm going wrong despite feeling like I've done everything by the book in how to set my profile out and it still doesn't work (another single male moaning, I know) which has caused me to feel qute inadequate.
I know this is a long post, but I suppose a lot of my inadequacies come from what I think other people's expectations of me are and wanting to live up to them and not knowing how to get that satisfaction from myself."
Oh, Joe. *Hugs*
All we're going to say is that your life is your life. It's not your parent's life. Yes, they've worked hard and you've reaped the benefits, but you have to live YOUR life. Trying to satisfy everyone else around you will only lead to distress.
That's probably really unhelpful but we firmly believe that people should NOT be trying to do what relatives think they should be doing, nor whatever "tradition" says they should. |
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"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others "
I do get them, and am going through a bit of a phase of it right now. Why? Not being where I want to be in life and not knowing how to get there, and doubting that if I did I'd be up to it. Self-confidence is definitely an issue - I see people applying for and getting jobs but even though I'm very well educated every time I look at a job description I just see all the things in it that I don't think I can do.
I'm also a massive over-thinker, especially socially, which makes it harder to relax in social situations and enjoy them.
What do I do about them? I wish I had an answer to this. As I've gotten older I've started to understand myself better and some of the reasons for this, and try to be kind to myself over the feelings. I think about the things I am good at and know about and try to do things that relate to them, so I have 'quick wins' to feel good about.
Ultimately, I'm trying to remember that many people in this life don't know what they're doing and are winging it, so maybe I shouldn't feel so bad about doing the same! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Feel it all the time. Be the good guy. He a gentle man and nothing. I found drinking helped but was obviously not a good solution and pissed off my family. Honestly I just do what I get told to do all the damm time which is suck it up |
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By *ost SockMan
over a year ago
West Wales and Cardiff |
"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others "
I’ve struggled massively with this, particularly with work. I’ve just never found it easy and felt comfortable.
I read a book by Johan Hari a few years back about how work is what is responsible to a large extent for the crisis in mental health we see today. He’s a controversial journalist in some ways, but it did ring true.
I’ve been lucky in that I’ve stumbled on a second area of employment in recent years in which I feel really comfortable and confident. This is soooo not me! It’s a bit of a shock to feel like this and back yourself without question.
I feel like it’s given me an insight into the way hugely successful people operate. Fundamentally though, I always struggle with similar things to you. It an get easier though . |
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I definitely get feelings of inadequacy. On my worst days, I am just one big feeling of inadequacy!
Not really come up with ways of dealing...apart from to try not to compare myself with others. Comparison really is the thief of joy, but with social media and everything, it's difficult to avoid.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I'm genuinely sorry that anyone feels like this because it's so draining. Affects everything.
There are two things that have helped me aside from therapy - affirmations and "good things" every day.
I use an app called "I am" and speak the affirmations out loud. Feel like an utter twonk BUT it helps. And a psychologist years ago suggested writing 3 good things down at the end of the day. I made one of my kids laugh etc or helped a friend. Forces me to find something good about myself. |
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By *ede OP Woman
over a year ago
the abyss |
Just wanted to pop on and say thank you to everyone for engaging on this thread. There has been some really interesting tips and information. I know it's not easy opening up about these things but sometimes it's just nice to know you are not alone.
I hope you all have a beautiful Saturday and sending hugs to everyone who needs them |
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By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Dorchester |
"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others "
I don't really get these feelings ever but i imagine for those that do it can be debilitating  |
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By *ede OP Woman
over a year ago
the abyss |
"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others I don't really get these feelings ever but i imagine for those that do it can be debilitating "
Not entirely sure about the necessity of fluttery eyes but sarcasm about people struggling with mental health isn't welcome here thank you |
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By *nitterWoman
over a year ago
the land of tall tales and yarn |
"No, I was mainly thinking of 29:
When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man’s art and that man’s scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
(Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth) sings hymns at heaven’s gate;
For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.
"
Not often you get Shakespear in the forum |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
Yes, Cede. I do sometimes. It's often triggered by things that are happening in my life. And I don't like them. I don't really compare myself to others - it's feeling that in myself I an perhaps not good enough. It's not that I want to better than others, nor the best. It's more, I want to be a better version of myself.
I'm getting better at managing them; whether that's through removing myself from situations that lend themselves more easily to the brain goblins. Surrounding myself with good people. Doing things that make me remember I'm more than good enough.
It's not always easy. My friends pick up when there have been external factors that awaken those feelings and sometimes I don't listen. Some days I think "bleurgh, no don't" and cancel things and hide.
I'm enjoying actively fighting those niggles - doing things for me. Working on improving myself. And trying not to fixate or allow those occasional thoughts to become a mindset.
|
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"Only place I feel like this is at work.
I mostly work with people up to 32 years younger than I- and it seems that we women can’t be kind to one other through the ages … never have and never will! sometimes I get patronised by girls who could be my daughters… and I feel a bit insecure/incompetent because I am maybe not tall enough, slim enough, beautiful enough, young enough?
But sure as hell I am intelligent, cultivated and educated more than enough, so I try to give myself a pep talk before every work day. Most times unsuccessfully.
"
I was on an all female team and it was dreadful. Never felt so stupid in my life. Now I work with men. So much better. #notallwomen #notallmen #rolleyes |
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By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Dorchester |
"Do you get them? How do they affect you on here, work, family etc.
Can you pin point why you get them or where they come from?
How do you deal with the feeling or stop it ruining things for you?
For me they are kind of a constant companion, sometimes worse than others. I feel they often stop me from really enjoying things or going for what I want in life. I've never really known where they have stemmed from but probably linked to self confidence for me. I've never really found a way to deal with them other than wait until they abate.
Maybe a bit heavy for a Friday but hoping that it may help others I don't really get these feelings ever but i imagine for those that do it can be debilitating
Not entirely sure about the necessity of fluttery eyes but sarcasm about people struggling with mental health isn't welcome here thank you "
it wasn't sarcasm |
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"Only place I feel like this is at work.
I mostly work with people up to 32 years younger than I- and it seems that we women can’t be kind to one other through the ages … never have and never will! sometimes I get patronised by girls who could be my daughters… and I feel a bit insecure/incompetent because I am maybe not tall enough, slim enough, beautiful enough, young enough?
But sure as hell I am intelligent, cultivated and educated more than enough, so I try to give myself a pep talk before every work day. Most times unsuccessfully.
I was on an all female team and it was dreadful. Never felt so stupid in my life. Now I work with men. So much better. #notallwomen #notallmen #rolleyes"
I function far better in predominantly male teams than I do in predominantly female teams. My closest and most trusted colleagues are all men. |
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