FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Attachment breaking.
Attachment breaking.
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I feel absolutely dreadful and will procrastinate about it for ages. I will usually write a lengthy letter explaining how I'm feeling in the end, in the hope it can be sorted, but this has never happened. Once that has been done, I'm quite good at cutting ties and moving on. I'm gutted but I know I've done the best I can to sort it. And we as people can't sort it out unfortunately |
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By *oyRoy06Man
over a year ago
leighton buzzard |
There've only been a few times where i've had to break attachments with people of i have considered to be my closest friends.
For me, one thing i cannot forgive is breaking my trust; that happened and cut off all contact and walked away. Never looked back |
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It usually makes me sad at the loss of something that once was important.
In order to truly break a bond, for me, I need complete no contact for at least 90 days... which basically means forever really as I won't get back in touch.
Doesn't mean I don't ever miss them or think of them, just they cannot be a part of my future life for whatever reason.
MrsAbz |
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In real life I don’t think I have ever had to break an attachment. I have drifted apart from friends but never ended a friendship or relationship with anyone.
With a fab person I had to because I knew it was in both our best interests. We knew it was coming it was just a case of who pulled the plug. No contact was the only way to do it. It was difficult at first but over time it got easier. I chose to walk away without any drama as that’s just not me.
Kx
Kx |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
I'm not one for conflict so by the time I break an attachment I'm usually that broken down I just closedown and drift away into the background.
If they wanted to discuss things though I obviously would and I'm always honest about how I am feeling and if I think attachments/relationships can be mended. When they can't be I'm usually left feeling an enormous amount of inadequacy in myself for not being a better partner/friend  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Be straight forward and honest, I'd tell them I'm pulling away from the relationship for whatever the reason is, and that space is need. It can be sad to lose any relationship but if it's the right decision I'd probably be feeling OK about it, at the end of the day you're ending it for a reason! Hope that helps |
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"Clinical and clear cut, under the patio they go 
Under the hot tub...
You helping move it compy that shits heavy
How many times...the shit goes outside the hot tub in the bucket  "
Nah that's what the pumps for |
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I’ve had to do it for my marriage, but even then it’s not a complete break because of the children.
I’ve had it done to me a couple of times, it absolutely devastated me. Like losing someone when they die, except they were still there for other people, just not me.
A bit like being dumped as a teenager, your opinion of it varies if you’re the dumper or dumpee. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wish someone could give me the answer to this. I'm now single for the first time in 16 years and I have no idea how to process it. How can you move on from a person who's been there your whole life, its shitty. I know I need to detatch but how I'm gonna do it, who knows. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Being honest if the relationship / friendship has got to that point I’ve already emotionally cut myself off, I’m not one to dwell on situations especially as I know i will have done everything possible to maintain it from my side. |
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"I wish someone could give me the answer to this. I'm now single for the first time in 16 years and I have no idea how to process it. How can you move on from a person who's been there your whole life, its shitty. I know I need to detatch but how I'm gonna do it, who knows. "
A day at a time. One day at a time. You'll get there, it will take a lot longer than you want it to. The worst case scenario is half as long as the relationship did. You're right it's absolutely shitty and there's no easy way that I know of anyway. |
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"I wish someone could give me the answer to this. I'm now single for the first time in 16 years and I have no idea how to process it. How can you move on from a person who's been there your whole life, its shitty. I know I need to detatch but how I'm gonna do it, who knows. "
I know that feeling my partner of 7 years just moved on without a care in the world found someone new on here!
I'm struggling I didn't even see it coming and had committed everything to her |
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"I wish someone could give me the answer to this. I'm now single for the first time in 16 years and I have no idea how to process it. How can you move on from a person who's been there your whole life, its shitty. I know I need to detatch but how I'm gonna do it, who knows.
I know that feeling my partner of 7 years just moved on without a care in the world found someone new on here!
I'm struggling I didn't even see it coming and had committed everything to her"
The chances are they had checked out and did their grieving before you had any idea. So you get blindsided while they had been considering their options. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As a neurodivergent.. i tend to just let them know face to face there is a problem, ask them can we fix it, if yes great, if no then i just dont bother making contact.... i sound like a super b i a t c h but i find it really difficult to have emotions so its a logical process for me. .. its why i dont date or have any illusions of future relationships. Its not fair to the other person. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I can't completely sever those ties. At times it would make it easier, I wish I could but can't.
Recently I've tried to sever ties, I've blocked etc, but it doesnt work as I don't want to be mean to him or hurt him. I can't completely walk away. I don't think it's helping either of us though. Unconsciously I'm nit picking and being argumentative just to see if it drives him away. Again that healthy for neither of us. I've been through hell these last few weeks and he's being understanding. Which I don't want him to be.
But it's our core needs that don't match and I can't be as he needs. He can't be what I need and that's the sad part. |
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"Whether it's a close friendship. A relative. A romantic partner. Even a work colleague.
When it comes time to break those ties, how do you do it? And how do you feel about doing it?"
If I were you I’d probably just bring them some delicious home baked goods, probably featuring milk chocolate chips. Then I’d buy them a few beers… yen is a good number. Then let them down very gently and possibly give them a sloppy bj to remember me by  |
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
Hmmmm
Interesting query Meli.. Wondering why you ask?
I always try to accept that community, friendships and connection are always in flux.
Its rare that I instigate an attachment break alone. I tend to bring issues to the forefront and encourage a dialogue. Something that might entice a mutual rekindling or a mutual ending.
Hey.. Attachments can be beautifully broken internally without even involving the others! What a revolution that can be!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm rubbish at it. I respect people's wishes but I find it hard.
Sometimes even with those who have really hurt me, I get sucked back in so easily that perhaps the attachment is never broken.
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By *oonloverWoman
over a year ago
bognor regis |
"There've only been a few times where i've had to break attachments with people of i have considered to be my closest friends.
For me, one thing i cannot forgive is breaking my trust; that happened and cut off all contact and walked away. Never looked back"
This -100% |
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All relationships are transitory, nobody is there from the second you're born until the second you die. How those relationships end varies depending on the who, what, when and why. Mainly they're just filed into my brain box titled 'people I used to know'.
If somebody wrongs me though, I'll tell them why I think they're a douchebag and then walk away. I'm usually very emotionless in those situations, they're just gone from my life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I wish someone could give me the answer to this. I'm now single for the first time in 16 years and I have no idea how to process it. How can you move on from a person who's been there your whole life, its shitty. I know I need to detatch but how I'm gonna do it, who knows. "
Oh , sorry hear that … I usually take 3 years to get over a ended relationship that was not even 2 years long .
Hope you don’t spend the next 16 years hammering it x x
Hmmmm , try don’t let it drive you mad …. before you know it is gone …
U have lovely curves , nice photo x x
If you feel like get some fresh air ,
Always welcome to came and stay in my relaxing private mini holliday hotel :
Rebound Sweet
Super king bed , mini cinema , open cafe , and little spa massage for free and Yoni if you pleased x x
Loads of love x x
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"Whether it's a close friendship. A relative. A romantic partner. Even a work colleague.
When it comes time to break those ties, how do you do it? And how do you feel about doing it?"
Sometimes things take a natural course because you change , I came out of a 20 year relationship and had to break many ties , the people that stayed around are still with me . But it’s never easy . Some times once you do it ( even though it’s hard ) it will become easier . Hope that helps |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whether it's a close friendship. A relative. A romantic partner. Even a work colleague.
When it comes time to break those ties, how do you do it? And how do you feel about doing it?"
Depends how much you care .
I lost lovers will hurt me for life , is what it is and I have a lovely daughter now x x love her
Other contacts I simply can’t be bothered with insignificant links . And I don’t give a fly ….
Friends ? Not sure if I truly ever found the meaning of that word ….
I’m my daughter’s best friend . I gone that far
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"Whether it's a close friendship. A relative. A romantic partner. Even a work colleague.
When it comes time to break those ties, how do you do it? And how do you feel about doing it?
Depends how much you care .
I lost lovers will hurt me for life , is what it is and I have a lovely daughter now x x love her
Other contacts I simply can’t be bothered with insignificant links . And I don’t give a fly ….
Friends ? Not sure if I truly ever found the meaning of that word ….
I’m my daughter’s best friend . I gone that far
"
I’m like that with my son , lovely isn’t it . Pleased for you fella |
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I go and have a good old cry, then I slide them into the friendzone, the slow fade path is next and pretty soon I realise that I cared more for them, than they did for me. That breaks the attachment and I'm free, to do it all over again. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Thank you to those who offered support advice, I appreciate it. Those who have used it as a window to try and fuck, keep it to the thread and give your head a wobble.
Sigh.. this place sometimes. |
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By *mf123Man
over a year ago
with one foot out the door |
"I dont how that switch to abandon people im close with to fate im used to it now so i dont let folks in now so its no longer a problem "
wow that was either a dyslexia spike or a fat thumb
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
. |
"I feel absolutely dreadful and will procrastinate about it for ages. I will usually write a lengthy letter explaining how I'm feeling in the end, in the hope it can be sorted, but this has never happened. Once that has been done, I'm quite good at cutting ties and moving on. I'm gutted but I know I've done the best I can to sort it. And we as people can't sort it out unfortunately "
Ah, lengthy letters are a good idea. I think writing a letter, even if never sent or read by another is cathartic in itself. Gives you a chance to let your stream of consciousness flow unfiltered. Maybe even write something you weren't aware you were feeling. |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"Whether it's a close friendship. A relative. A romantic partner. Even a work colleague.
When it comes time to break those ties, how do you do it? And how do you feel about doing it?"
Honestly? Shit.
But it needs to happen even when it's circumstances beyond your control.
Because if you don't it'll give you sleepless night, stress and distract you from the important things in life and moving on.
Much easier to do when they already have of course. |
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It depends on the situation, but generally I make myself feel better by saying itll only be worse even further down the road, and cause more upset.
always feels shit and wrong for a good while after regardless |
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By *apidaryMan
over a year ago
Chipping Norton |
"Whether it's a close friendship. A relative. A romantic partner. Even a work colleague.
When it comes time to break those ties, how do you do it? And how do you feel about doing it?"
Ideally? Do it properly. Make clear what's going on. Arrange a meet. Give the relationship, be it romance or friendship or work, a proper send off. Acknowledge what was difficult, appreciate what was good, accept the the shared experiences don't get deleted once you separate but remain a portion of each of your lives - "I am a part of all that I have met". Toast the end of things.
(Alternatively; blank, delete and pretend. Not everything in life is ideal.) |
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"I wish someone could give me the answer to this. I'm now single for the first time in 16 years and I have no idea how to process it. How can you move on from a person who's been there your whole life, its shitty. I know I need to detatch but how I'm gonna do it, who knows. "
You have to see it as a rebuild. Find ways around it. If he put upthe shelves(apologies for the cliche) watch YouTube videos and do it yourself or get a good handyman. Believe in yourself and your ability to adapt. Happy to chat if it would help. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I wish someone could give me the answer to this. I'm now single for the first time in 16 years and I have no idea how to process it. How can you move on from a person who's been there your whole life, its shitty. I know I need to detatch but how I'm gonna do it, who knows. "
God I just read this and  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whether it's a close friendship. A relative. A romantic partner. Even a work colleague.
When it comes time to break those ties, how do you do it? And how do you feel about doing it?"
It depends. On a lot of things.
I’ve done it twice now. Once a good friend who disappeared , I miss that friendship.
And my ex wife who I had been with for 26!yrs. I’m still getting over the fact someone can make promises to someone they said they loved and wanted to die in each others arms…. And she threw me in the gutter when times got tough and a better man came along. …, so there’s that.
Now I’ve got the tools to know, I survive. And I became a better man as I learned how strong I can be mentally.
It’s not me, it’s them.  |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"Whether it's a close friendship. A relative. A romantic partner. Even a work colleague.
When it comes time to break those ties, how do you do it? And how do you feel about doing it?
It depends. On a lot of things.
I’ve done it twice now. Once a good friend who disappeared , I miss that friendship.
And my ex wife who I had been with for 26!yrs. I’m still getting over the fact someone can make promises to someone they said they loved and wanted to die in each others arms…. And she threw me in the gutter when times got tough and a better man came along. …, so there’s that.
Now I’ve got the tools to know, I survive. And I became a better man as I learned how strong I can be mentally.
It’s not me, it’s them. "
Spot on Woody. |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
. |
Thank you for all your replies! I'm not going to go back and comment on them but I really appreciate you posting.
For those who are doing so, I hope you're able to do so relatively easily. |
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I used to be very avoidant, just letting it die out from neglect and not confronting the issues directly.
These days I work hard to verbalise what is and isn't working for me, and if they decide my way isn't their way, and the compromise doesn't work for one of us, we can part ways with closure at least |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I let a friendship go last week and I've been wracked with guilt about the way I did it. I wish I had just let it die a death naturally instead of saying that I didn't feel that our lives aligned anymore. She didn't reply.
I didn't tell her the real reason. That would have been a lot more hurtful. And unnecessary. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Whether it's a close friendship. A relative. A romantic partner. Even a work colleague.
When it comes time to break those ties, how do you do it? And how do you feel about doing it?
It depends. On a lot of things.
I’ve done it twice now. Once a good friend who disappeared , I miss that friendship.
And my ex wife who I had been with for 26!yrs. I’m still getting over the fact someone can make promises to someone they said they loved and wanted to die in each others arms…. And she threw me in the gutter when times got tough and a better man came along. …, so there’s that.
Now I’ve got the tools to know, I survive. And I became a better man as I learned how strong I can be mentally.
It’s not me, it’s them. "
Fucking love this Woody.. |
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"I let a friendship go last week and I've been wracked with guilt about the way I did it. I wish I had just let it die a death naturally instead of saying that I didn't feel that our lives aligned anymore. She didn't reply.
I didn't tell her the real reason. That would have been a lot more hurtful. And unnecessary. "
Sounds fairly balanced to me. I think it is a bit disingenuous to just let something fizzle, if it has been meaningful. I've been in the middle of that, as a mutual friend and it is really quite sad to see the other person wondering what she did wrong and still upset about it years later.
On the other hand, there's no need to rub someone's nose in it with a list of everything they did wrong. If it is beyond resolving, what would be the purpose of going into such detail? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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On the rare occasion I've done this, as opposed to contact just fizzling out, I've said my piece on why and then gone no contact, usually with blocking the person on everything.
It's going to suck to a degree because there's obviously a connection to that person. But if something has happened that warrants cutting ties, you have to remember that there's a good reason for it. |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
On here? I just block and move on. No point keeping in touch because you just get used as a distraction/ego boost.
With friends? Usually it’s a mutual drifting apart with both sides lacking in putting in effort to keep the friendship ticking over.
Relationships? A “we need to talk” chat. And we all know how those go! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I let a friendship go last week and I've been wracked with guilt about the way I did it. I wish I had just let it die a death naturally instead of saying that I didn't feel that our lives aligned anymore. She didn't reply.
I didn't tell her the real reason. That would have been a lot more hurtful. And unnecessary.
Sounds fairly balanced to me. I think it is a bit disingenuous to just let something fizzle, if it has been meaningful. I've been in the middle of that, as a mutual friend and it is really quite sad to see the other person wondering what she did wrong and still upset about it years later.
On the other hand, there's no need to rub someone's nose in it with a list of everything they did wrong. If it is beyond resolving, what would be the purpose of going into such detail?"
It did feel wrong to me to just keep avoiding her and hope she got the hint! I feel relieved now I don't have to see her again tbh. It was all about her and her drama in her perfect fucking life and she never even noticed I was drowning. She's been good to my kid so I've no desire to hurt her. |
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"I let a friendship go last week and I've been wracked with guilt about the way I did it. I wish I had just let it die a death naturally instead of saying that I didn't feel that our lives aligned anymore. She didn't reply.
I didn't tell her the real reason. That would have been a lot more hurtful. And unnecessary.
Sounds fairly balanced to me. I think it is a bit disingenuous to just let something fizzle, if it has been meaningful. I've been in the middle of that, as a mutual friend and it is really quite sad to see the other person wondering what she did wrong and still upset about it years later.
On the other hand, there's no need to rub someone's nose in it with a list of everything they did wrong. If it is beyond resolving, what would be the purpose of going into such detail?
It did feel wrong to me to just keep avoiding her and hope she got the hint! I feel relieved now I don't have to see her again tbh. It was all about her and her drama in her perfect fucking life and she never even noticed I was drowning. She's been good to my kid so I've no desire to hurt her. "
Did you actually tell her you were drowning and could do with her support? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I let a friendship go last week and I've been wracked with guilt about the way I did it. I wish I had just let it die a death naturally instead of saying that I didn't feel that our lives aligned anymore. She didn't reply.
I didn't tell her the real reason. That would have been a lot more hurtful. And unnecessary.
Sounds fairly balanced to me. I think it is a bit disingenuous to just let something fizzle, if it has been meaningful. I've been in the middle of that, as a mutual friend and it is really quite sad to see the other person wondering what she did wrong and still upset about it years later.
On the other hand, there's no need to rub someone's nose in it with a list of everything they did wrong. If it is beyond resolving, what would be the purpose of going into such detail?
It did feel wrong to me to just keep avoiding her and hope she got the hint! I feel relieved now I don't have to see her again tbh. It was all about her and her drama in her perfect fucking life and she never even noticed I was drowning. She's been good to my kid so I've no desire to hurt her.
Did you actually tell her you were drowning and could do with her support?"
Yes |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
. |
"I let a friendship go last week and I've been wracked with guilt about the way I did it. I wish I had just let it die a death naturally instead of saying that I didn't feel that our lives aligned anymore. She didn't reply.
I didn't tell her the real reason. That would have been a lot more hurtful. And unnecessary. "
I'm sorry you've been through that Sally, it doesn't sound like an easy decision to make.
Sometimes you have to do what's right for you. If conversations etc aren't bringing you any joy any more, there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that and stepping away. You don't need to list all of her faults. You've done it with dignity. That's what I try and do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I let a friendship go last week and I've been wracked with guilt about the way I did it. I wish I had just let it die a death naturally instead of saying that I didn't feel that our lives aligned anymore. She didn't reply.
I didn't tell her the real reason. That would have been a lot more hurtful. And unnecessary.
I'm sorry you've been through that Sally, it doesn't sound like an easy decision to make.
Sometimes you have to do what's right for you. If conversations etc aren't bringing you any joy any more, there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that and stepping away. You don't need to list all of her faults. You've done it with dignity. That's what I try and do. "
I think it was when I reached out at Christmas saying how bad I felt. She just ignored my message. I couldn't get that out of my head. I felt like I wasn't good enough to be in her life, but possibly it's the other way around. But still no need to hurt people who you've shared good times with. |
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