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Mens thought process
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Afternoon.
I (Danish) have been searching for a secondary partner (on various dating apps etc) for a very long time, I'm very clear in what I want (emphasis on friends, is very very important to me) and yes I know I already have a partner but we aren't a judgy bunch here (lol).
Why is it, men who message me (when they actually do as I think I get matched after they played swipe roulette) talk back and forth, I clarify they understand what I'm looking for and almost every time they go "so when can we meet" or "any kinks I should know about".
Really gets on my nerves because say I didnt have a partner already, is this something men say to them too or is it they don't actually understand at all and just see what I'm looking for is just sex based? (Which I know it may come across as at first glance but I am very clear what I am looking for: almost like a boyfriend but I just don't meet you family" is one of my lines).
Just wanted to air my thoughts out loud, thanks for listening!
Danish x
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By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Dorchester |
"Afternoon.
I (Danish) have been searching for a secondary partner (on various dating apps etc) for a very long time, I'm very clear in what I want (emphasis on friends, is very very important to me) and yes I know I already have a partner but we aren't a judgy bunch here (lol).
Why is it, men who message me (when they actually do as I think I get matched after they played swipe roulette) talk back and forth, I clarify they understand what I'm looking for and almost every time they go "so when can we meet" or "any kinks I should know about".
Really gets on my nerves because say I didnt have a partner already, is this something men say to them too or is it they don't actually understand at all and just see what I'm looking for is just sex based? (Which I know it may come across as at first glance but I am very clear what I am looking for: almost like a boyfriend but I just don't meet you family" is one of my lines).
Just wanted to air my thoughts out loud, thanks for listening!
Danish x
"
You want romance don't you  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Afternoon.
I (Danish) have been searching for a secondary partner (on various dating apps etc) for a very long time, I'm very clear in what I want (emphasis on friends, is very very important to me) and yes I know I already have a partner but we aren't a judgy bunch here (lol).
Why is it, men who message me (when they actually do as I think I get matched after they played swipe roulette) talk back and forth, I clarify they understand what I'm looking for and almost every time they go "so when can we meet" or "any kinks I should know about".
Really gets on my nerves because say I didnt have a partner already, is this something men say to them too or is it they don't actually understand at all and just see what I'm looking for is just sex based? (Which I know it may come across as at first glance but I am very clear what I am looking for: almost like a boyfriend but I just don't meet you family" is one of my lines).
Just wanted to air my thoughts out loud, thanks for listening!
Danish x
You want romance don't you "
Yeah, I mean I already do but life is short and if there is another man out there that wants to romance me too, why not lol |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not all men are like this but sadly a lot of the ones on dating sites are! "
Oh I know not all men, there are damn fine ones out there but miles away from me and yes, dating apps are the worst! |
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I'm not sure I understand the problem. You're looking to start a relationship with someone and they ask when you're free to meet. That seems fairly standard to me.
Plus, Alice and I talked about any kinks we had before we met. And we certainly weren't just interested in sex. |
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I don't have a partner but I have met some wonderful guys from here. I am not looking for anything long term but friendship is also paramount to me. Yes there are so many guys I wouldn't get on with so it can be a bit of a trawl through. But then you happen on someone either through messages or in the forum and it can be like the sun coming out. |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
I should probably stay off this thread....
But I'd advise to take your time and spend a long while making any decisions on potential candidates.
Some guys will say anything to get what they (not you) want, which is essentially sex.
Others will state they understand the dynamic you're looking for and are totally happy with it and comfortable with any agreed boundaries. Initially.
Other may well just tell you what you want to hear and go along with it, with a completely different long term agenda in mind that you won't find out about til later.
It can be a minefield. It can also seriously impact existing relationships and dynamics.
Tread carefully and good luck.
A |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why didn't you just come straight out with it and say i want romance? "
I do sometimes but again, they seem to bypass that, clearly as I've been looking for a year and a half. But I will make sure I say from now on romance more. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I should probably stay off this thread....
But I'd advise to take your time and spend a long while making any decisions on potential candidates.
Some guys will say anything to get what they (not you) want, which is essentially sex.
Others will state they understand the dynamic you're looking for and are totally happy with it and comfortable with any agreed boundaries. Initially.
Other may well just tell you what you want to hear and go along with it, with a completely different long term agenda in mind that you won't find out about til later.
It can be a minefield. It can also seriously impact existing relationships and dynamics.
Tread carefully and good luck.
A"
Thank you, you've explained it perfectly, I have been looking for a very long time so I have come accustomed to the way men talk to me, hence why most of the time they get a swift thanks but no thanks quite early on x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think asking when you can meet is somewhat expected...otherwise you'll never get the secondary boyfriend as you do have to actually meet people..
"
It's the way it's implied, of course meeting them is part of the plan, it's the way it's said, sorry I might have worded it badly. |
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With my last girl friend we talked (messages and phone) for 4 months first before we actually met, things kept getting in the way. We learnt more about each other that way by chatting and asking all sorts of questions that we probably would have if we had met sooner. Unfortunately life issue made it such that we could no longer see each other but we were like best friends when we were together. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm not sure I understand the problem. You're looking to start a relationship with someone and they ask when you're free to meet. That seems fairly standard to me.
Plus, Alice and I talked about any kinks we had before we met. And we certainly weren't just interested in sex. "
Thanks for your comment
I think I worded it badly (I struggle making myself clear)
What I meant was they ask about kinks with in the first few messages of establishing what I am looking for, I would rather they focus on trying to get to know me first, rather than what makes me tick in the bedroom
And of course I expect to meet, it's the way they imply meeting me
X |
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By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Dorchester |
I'm not the usual i don't have sex on the brain or think with my appendage and i feel like I'm romantic but maybe I'm not. I guess your problem is you have a partner how would he feel if you fell in love and ditched him? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm not the usual i don't have sex on the brain or think with my appendage and i feel like I'm romantic but maybe I'm not. I guess your problem is you have a partner how would he feel if you fell in love and ditched him? "
Hmmm very good question, I am positive he will be reading this thread and will comment himself eventually. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Try to view it from their perspective.
If they're searching in a dating app, it's highly likely they are either already in a relationship and looking for a hook up or actually looking for a partner. Potentially.
If they are fully available to commit to being a secondary partner, what do they get long term?
They get to play at being second fiddle, whilst you have it all.
Once the date comes to an end, you head back to your main relationship and they had back alone.
Maybe that prospect is not appealing or even considered, and so they automatically assume it's about extramarital sex.
I don't have the full picture, no idea how you put this across to them and so I might have misunderstood, I certainly don't mean this to come across as attacking, I'm just trying to add another perspective.
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I think I get what you mean. I don't think the issue is specific to men though.
I think maybe it's just being human? I've been talking to a woman a while I met off a dating app. Says she's poly and demi-sexual.
Then boom out of the blue she smashed in a kink explosion into the conversation. Humans are organic, things don't always happen in logical sequence.
For whatever reason she had the urge and went with it. I kinda like that openness and spontaneity. |
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By *rJ88888Man
over a year ago
London/Cardiff |
"I think I get what you mean. I don't think the issue is specific to men though.
I think maybe it's just being human? I've been talking to a woman a while I met off a dating app. Says she's poly and demi-sexual.
Then boom out of the blue she smashed in a kink explosion into the conversation. Humans are organic, things don't always happen in logical sequence.
For whatever reason she had the urge and went with it. I kinda like that openness and spontaneity."
I dunno man I just feel demoralised all the time now. Especially on this site where women are ruthless! All I am is kind and considerate, and I get nothing but negativity in return. Been on here for 11 months, had an account before as well and it’s just the same crap. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Try to view it from their perspective.
If they're searching in a dating app, it's highly likely they are either already in a relationship and looking for a hook up or actually looking for a partner. Potentially.
If they are fully available to commit to being a secondary partner, what do they get long term?
They get to play at being second fiddle, whilst you have it all.
Once the date comes to an end, you head back to your main relationship and they had back alone.
Maybe that prospect is not appealing or even considered, and so they automatically assume it's about extramarital sex.
I don't have the full picture, no idea how you put this across to them and so I might have misunderstood, I certainly don't mean this to come across as attacking, I'm just trying to add another perspective.
"
Perfectly worded and not attacking and perfectly justified question, you are completely right. |
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By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Dorchester |
"I think I get what you mean. I don't think the issue is specific to men though.
I think maybe it's just being human? I've been talking to a woman a while I met off a dating app. Says she's poly and demi-sexual.
Then boom out of the blue she smashed in a kink explosion into the conversation. Humans are organic, things don't always happen in logical sequence.
For whatever reason she had the urge and went with it. I kinda like that openness and spontaneity.
I dunno man I just feel demoralised all the time now. Especially on this site where women are ruthless! All I am is kind and considerate, and I get nothing but negativity in return. Been on here for 11 months, had an account before as well and it’s just the same crap. "
Do you approach it with sex in mind? Are your messages sex orientated? |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
I like to know early on what sexual stuff is expected of me, even though I'd like the friendship part to be just as important.
I don't want long, drawn out scenarios messaged to me; but I do want to know whether they are thinking of tying me up or taking me to a club.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I like to know early on what sexual stuff is expected of me, even though I'd like the friendship part to be just as important.
I don't want long, drawn out scenarios messaged to me; but I do want to know whether they are thinking of tying me up or taking me to a club.
"
That's fair enough x |
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We can't consider men's thought processes and exclude women's thought processes.
Maybe neither are explicit enough or clear enough about what they actually want.
Maybe too many assumptions are made about just how much strangers should delay/change their own needs and wants to satisfy anothers.
I'd be upfront about wanted a good old fashioned courtship first because that is how it sounds to me. Nothing wrong with that from quite a few people's perspectives I guess but perhaps not from the perspective of a bloke who is romancing someone else's partner. Generally blokes do the courtship dance when they are chasing something. It seems somewhat redundant to chase something that's already caged.
How about saying you just want a good old fashioned laugh with someone looking for the same ? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We can't consider men's thought processes and exclude women's thought processes.
Maybe neither are explicit enough or clear enough about what they actually want.
Maybe too many assumptions are made about just how much strangers should delay/change their own needs and wants to satisfy anothers.
I'd be upfront about wanted a good old fashioned courtship first because that is how it sounds to me. Nothing wrong with that from quite a few people's perspectives I guess but perhaps not from the perspective of a bloke who is romancing someone else's partner. Generally blokes do the courtship dance when they are chasing something. It seems somewhat redundant to chase something that's already caged.
How about saying you just want a good old fashioned laugh with someone looking for the same ?"
Yeah, I understand how it comes across, maybe I do need to change stuff up, thanks granny |
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"I think I get what you mean. I don't think the issue is specific to men though.
I think maybe it's just being human? I've been talking to a woman a while I met off a dating app. Says she's poly and demi-sexual.
Then boom out of the blue she smashed in a kink explosion into the conversation. Humans are organic, things don't always happen in logical sequence.
For whatever reason she had the urge and went with it. I kinda like that openness and spontaneity.
I dunno man I just feel demoralised all the time now. Especially on this site where women are ruthless! All I am is kind and considerate, and I get nothing but negativity in return. Been on here for 11 months, had an account before as well and it’s just the same crap. "
I quite like ruthless, so I'm probably not the best to offer you support with that.
Nice is overrat |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Are there many men who want to be someone's secondary partner if sex isn't at least a consideration. When would you expect sex to be discussed?"
Obviously sex is on the table, I make that clear too I would just prefer said messages not to go like this
"What you looking for?"(even if it's clear in my bio)
I explain
"Cool, so a relationship but not"
"Exactly that" I respond
"So what are your kinks"
I want to talk about sex but not 4 messages in.
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"Are there many men who want to be someone's secondary partner if sex isn't at least a consideration. When would you expect sex to be discussed?
Obviously sex is on the table, I make that clear too I would just prefer said messages not to go like this
"What you looking for?"(even if it's clear in my bio)
I explain
"Cool, so a relationship but not"
"Exactly that" I respond
"So what are your kinks"
I want to talk about sex but not 4 messages in.
"
Maybe not on a sex site then? |
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"Mens thought process is so very different to ours. I could not even try to understand it. They probably say the same about us  "
Oh we definitely do, you women are a wonder to behold when it comes to your thought processes haha |
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Wading through the instant gratification hunters on here is hard work, match them against the liars, who will say anything you want to hear, in order to get into your pants. Then to top it all off the secret lifestyle keepers, of which we have no idea of what dramatics we are entering.
Good luck with your search OP, I'm pretty sure my hunting days, for any new relationship are over, I'm just happy sailing the wind with what I have x |
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"Mens thought process is so very different to ours. I could not even try to understand it. They probably say the same about us "
Thirsty - Drink
Hungry - Meat
Cold - Fire
Sad, happy or anything in between - Hug
Horny - Sex |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd probably suggest that you agree to these meets so long as your primary partner comes along too. I'm sure that'll help out the genuinely understanding from the FAF Brigade  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Are there many men who want to be someone's secondary partner if sex isn't at least a consideration. When would you expect sex to be discussed?
Obviously sex is on the table, I make that clear too I would just prefer said messages not to go like this
"What you looking for?"(even if it's clear in my bio)
I explain
"Cool, so a relationship but not"
"Exactly that" I respond
"So what are your kinks"
I want to talk about sex but not 4 messages in.
Maybe not on a sex site then? "
I'm not talking about a sex site, I expect it here lol |
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"Mens thought process is so very different to ours. I could not even try to understand it. They probably say the same about us
Thirsty - Drink
Hungry - Meat
Cold - Fire
Sad, happy or anything in between - Hug
Horny - Sex"
Hahaha
Here here  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Afternoon.
I (Danish) have been searching for a secondary partner (on various dating apps etc) for a very long time, I'm very clear in what I want (emphasis on friends, is very very important to me) and yes I know I already have a partner but we aren't a judgy bunch here (lol).
Why is it, men who message me (when they actually do as I think I get matched after they played swipe roulette) talk back and forth, I clarify they understand what I'm looking for and almost every time they go "so when can we meet" or "any kinks I should know about".
Really gets on my nerves because say I didnt have a partner already, is this something men say to them too or is it they don't actually understand at all and just see what I'm looking for is just sex based? (Which I know it may come across as at first glance but I am very clear what I am looking for: almost like a boyfriend but I just don't meet you family" is one of my lines).
Just wanted to air my thoughts out loud, thanks for listening!
Danish x
"
I hear you op.
For some reason online has stopped people from using social skills, respect, dignity and well if they not right op. Jog them on.
Happy hunting op |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Because they just want a fuck. Dating sites or here it's all the same.
There are still some who are happy to remember and care that you're a human being and not a wet hole but they are very very rare.. |
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"Mens thought process is so very different to ours. I could not even try to understand it. They probably say the same about us
Thirsty - Drink
Hungry - Meat
Cold - Fire
Sad, happy or anything in between - Hug
Horny - Sex"
I'll just correct that for you:
Thirsty - Sex
Hungry - Sex
Cold - Sex
Sad, happy or anything in between - Sex
Horny - Sex
|
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"Afternoon.
I (Danish) have been searching for a secondary partner (on various dating apps etc) for a very long time, I'm very clear in what I want (emphasis on friends, is very very important to me) and yes I know I already have a partner but we aren't a judgy bunch here (lol).
Why is it, men who message me (when they actually do as I think I get matched after they played swipe roulette) talk back and forth, I clarify they understand what I'm looking for and almost every time they go "so when can we meet" or "any kinks I should know about".
Really gets on my nerves because say I didnt have a partner already, is this something men say to them too or is it they don't actually understand at all and just see what I'm looking for is just sex based? (Which I know it may come across as at first glance but I am very clear what I am looking for: almost like a boyfriend but I just don't meet you family" is one of my lines).
Just wanted to air my thoughts out loud, thanks for listening!
Danish x
I hear you op.
For some reason online has stopped people from using social skills, respect, dignity and well if they not right op. Jog them on.
Happy hunting op"
Much truth to that. Instant karmas gonna get you. |
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"Mens thought process is so very different to ours. I could not even try to understand it. They probably say the same about us
Thirsty - Drink
Hungry - Meat
Cold - Fire
Sad, happy or anything in between - Hug
Horny - Sex
I'll just correct that for you:
Thirsty - Sex
Hungry - Sex
Cold - Sex
Sad, happy or anything in between - Sex
Horny - Sex
"
Can't argue with that. |
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