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By *lirty14u OP Man
over a year ago
Milton Keynes |
THE 12 BAR, 3 CHORD, SHUFFLEBOTTOM, SMOKEFILLED, 3 FINGERS STRAIGHT UP, WHORECHASING, RENTDODGING, HARPOON-BLOWING TRUTH
1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes . . . sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4) The Blues is not about choice. If you be stuck in a ditch, you be stuck in a ditch - there just ain't no way out.
5) Blues cars: Chevys, Ford Cortinas and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Mercedes. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' minibus ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Milton Keynes. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg ' cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9) You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway; b) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed; d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) Wine Bar; b) Gallery openings; c) Costas; d) Golf courses
11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a work fleece, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than dirt; b) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be satisfied. No, if a) You have all your teeth; b) You were once blind but now can see; c) The man in Memphis lived; d) You have a works pension or trust fund.
13) Blues is not a matter of colour. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; b) Whiskey or bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) Flavia; b) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.
15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match, processing invoices or getting liposuction.
16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat River Dumpling
17) Some Blues names for men a) Joe; b) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big Willie
18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.); c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.); d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.
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