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Touch and desire
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I'm going to be speaking from my perspective as a man, but am interested in both sides - what men and women do and think.
To set the scene, imagine this is your first social meet with a person you find attractive online. Assume you both are open to the potential for more if there's a spark (not necessarily the same day, but sometime).
In my case, no matter how attractive I find them, I find I never initiate physical contact (not accidental touches, I mean actively holding their hands, going for kisses, etc.) I'll lean towards them (not too close though, haha) maintain eye contact during our chats, and show them I'm interested with my words but nothing more. Actions are something I'm much less forward with - at the back of my mind, there's always this feeling of 'what if they take it the wrong way?' Introductory and goodbye hugs are fine, of course.
What do you think? Is this behaviour too closed-off? If something like this happened to you, would you assume disinterest? And have you made the first move sometimes (this one's more for the women)? If so, where are you and can we meet?  |
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"I'm a very touch focused person. If I like someone, there'll be a few light casual touches to check if they're okay with physical contact at that stage, and more if they're amenable."
Thank you for taking the initiative, I'm sure it's appreciated by those you meet.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If I like you then I can't help myself, gentle brief touch of your arm or similar you know! non sexual parts of the body. But I think eye contact and smiles are important too.
I recently had a social where I didn't think the guy was into me, until he took the initiative and leaned in and kissed me. It was a pretty brave thing for him to do, and I appreciated him for it, because it led to a really great meet later. I think if he hadn't done that during the social I probably wouldn't have continued to a meet, as it came across as no connection with him. |
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"
I recently had a social where I didn't think the guy was into me, until he took the initiative and leaned in and kissed me. It was a pretty brave thing for him to do, and I appreciated him for it, because it led to a really great meet later. I think if he hadn't done that during the social I probably wouldn't have continued to a meet, as it came across as no connection with him. "
If this is common thought, then I regret all the chances I've missed. What you're describing as brave is something I always think of as stupid in cases when I'm the guy.  |
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"I don't mind the odd touch, like a hand on the arm or leg, a light touch, I certainly don't want to be groped though."
Of course!
"
I like it if someone asks for a kiss too. "
Yeah, again, this is something I'm always thinking of but never actually do. But, maybe the conclusion is it's worth the risk to ask for one and get a no response than to not do it all and appear disinterested. |
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If I like you I will also likely be tactile, on top of the eye contact and smiles. Maybe a touch of your arm, or letting my leg touch yours...
It's obviously not essential and hasn't always happened, but if the signs are good on a social, a kiss is really, really helpful to fully seal that existence of chemistry and as others have said leave no ambiguity to mutual interest (which in my mind is exactly what a social is for)
If for whatever reason it hasn't gone that way and your are interested do follow up the social with a very clear indication of interest on text or however you're speaking and seek affirmation that's shared. Otherwise I'd say your risking things being misread by either side in the after math |
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"Just dive straight in for the kiss what's the worst that can happen "
Teach me your confidence, sensei! To me, the worst that can happen is them laughing and saying "Ew, no, gross!" I know it's unlikely to happen but you asked for the worst. |
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
I'm fine with a guy asking for a kiss if the social has gone well and in that case if it's a yes there is obviously a mutual attraction. But don't try and hold my hand ~ that is just too much!
I have asked for a kiss to in the past |
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"Just dive straight in for the kiss what's the worst that can happen
Teach me your confidence, sensei! To me, the worst that can happen is them laughing and saying "Ew, no, gross!" I know it's unlikely to happen but you asked for the worst."
I could think of worse tbf |
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"I don't mind the odd touch, like a hand on the arm or leg, a light touch, I certainly don't want to be groped though.
Of course!
I like it if someone asks for a kiss too.
Yeah, again, this is something I'm always thinking of but never actually do. But, maybe the conclusion is it's worth the risk to ask for one and get a no response than to not do it all and appear disinterested."
If I'm really into someone, it's pretty obvious, I know that's not the same for other people though. If I wasn't, and they asked for a kiss I'd probably make a polite excuse.
Sometimes I'll even ask for a kiss, then they know for sure! |
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"If I like you I will also likely be tactile, on top of the eye contact and smiles. Maybe a touch of your arm, or letting my leg touch yours...
It's obviously not essential and hasn't always happened, but if the signs are good on a social, a kiss is really, really helpful to fully seal that existence of chemistry and as others have said leave no ambiguity to mutual interest (which in my mind is exactly what a social is for)
If for whatever reason it hasn't gone that way and your are interested do follow up the social with a very clear indication of interest on text or however you're speaking and seek affirmation that's shared. Otherwise I'd say your risking things being misread by either side in the after math"
I think I know the whatever reason - it's me! I do follow up on text though, but always wonder if that's too late. Is their mind made up at that point? The more I think about it, the more I realise that my inhibitions are irrational - expecting a social with no touch to then lead to sex on a subsequent meet sounds bonkers when I write it down. |
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"If I like you I will also likely be tactile, on top of the eye contact and smiles. Maybe a touch of your arm, or letting my leg touch yours...
It's obviously not essential and hasn't always happened, but if the signs are good on a social, a kiss is really, really helpful to fully seal that existence of chemistry and as others have said leave no ambiguity to mutual interest (which in my mind is exactly what a social is for)
If for whatever reason it hasn't gone that way and your are interested do follow up the social with a very clear indication of interest on text or however you're speaking and seek affirmation that's shared. Otherwise I'd say your risking things being misread by either side in the after math
I think I know the whatever reason - it's me! I do follow up on text though, but always wonder if that's too late. Is their mind made up at that point? The more I think about it, the more I realise that my inhibitions are irrational - expecting a social with no touch to then lead to sex on a subsequent meet sounds bonkers when I write it down."
Don't give yourself that kind of hard time, putting yourself out there with someone relatively unknown to you is scary af, but the signs of mutual like will be there, seek them, trust them... then touch them  |
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"If I REALLY fancy someone I'll touch them and initiate contact. Less common. If I'm unsure, I'll see if they do and see how that makes me feel. "
This is also really true, I've been seeing a guy a few months now who I was completely on the fence about til he kissed me, sometimes you need that to know if its  |
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By *EAT..85Woman
over a year ago
Nottingham |
"If I REALLY fancy someone I'll touch them and initiate contact. Less common. If I'm unsure, I'll see if they do and see how that makes me feel.
This is also really true, I've been seeing a guy a few months now who I was completely on the fence about til he kissed me, sometimes you need that to know if its "
Yup, a kiss can change everything! |
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"Just dive straight in for the kiss what's the worst that can happen
Teach me your confidence, sensei! To me, the worst that can happen is them laughing and saying "Ew, no, gross!" I know it's unlikely to happen but you asked for the worst.
I could think of worse tbf "
I can't imagine what evil you're thinking of! They throw their drink on you - comedy movie style? |
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I'm with you, OP, and always have been. I know, from conversations long after the event, that it has led to mutual disappointment and mixed messages on more than one occasion. But that's a risk I can live with. Rejection isn't. |
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"I don't mind the odd touch, like a hand on the arm or leg, a light touch, I certainly don't want to be groped though.
Of course!
I like it if someone asks for a kiss too.
Yeah, again, this is something I'm always thinking of but never actually do. But, maybe the conclusion is it's worth the risk to ask for one and get a no response than to not do it all and appear disinterested.
If I'm really into someone, it's pretty obvious, I know that's not the same for other people though. If I wasn't, and they asked for a kiss I'd probably make a polite excuse.
Sometimes I'll even ask for a kiss, then they know for sure! "
In my case, the last paragraph is the only way I'd know at all haha. But yeah, it seems like asking for a kiss is the easiest step - it's still polite & less risky than touching or just going in for one. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To be honest, I never really think about it. Just simply roll with the flo.
Let chemistry run its course, since what's meant to be will be, if nothing happens, then even that's good because we still shared experiences in meeting each others acquaintances...
It's not about getting down and sticky always on 1st meeting...! |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
I'm quite a tactile person when I'm with people I like, platonic or otherwise. I would never ever initiate the kisses - I don't want to be rejected. I haven't so far in life. Not going to have that as a possibility now.
It's not because I'm a woman (hello my glorious bisexuality), it's more because... I can't tell if someone is interested in me easily. |
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"If I REALLY fancy someone I'll touch them and initiate contact. Less common. If I'm unsure, I'll see if they do and see how that makes me feel.
This is also really true, I've been seeing a guy a few months now who I was completely on the fence about til he kissed me, sometimes you need that to know if its "
Hard not to give myself a hard time when I read such examples. Thank you though, this is still useful - can keep this in mind for the future. |
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If you never make the first move, and they don’t feel comfortable making the first move, that’s a lot of missed opportunities.
I don’t really know what I do, but I’m generally cautious because I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable. I don’t care so much about being rejected but I do care if she has a shit time because I was too pushy. |
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"I'm quite a tactile person when I'm with people I like, platonic or otherwise. I would never ever initiate the kisses - I don't want to be rejected. I haven't so far in life. Not going to have that as a possibility now.
It's not because I'm a woman (hello my glorious bisexuality), it's more because... I can't tell if someone is interested in me easily. "
Almost every word of this chimes so true with me, Meli. I'm a terrible bisexual and an even worse woman, but apart from that, absolutely all of this. |
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"I'm with you, OP, and always have been. I know, from conversations long after the event, that it has led to mutual disappointment and mixed messages on more than one occasion. But that's a risk I can live with. Rejection isn't."
I think the unanimous winner seems to be - ask for a kiss. It shows interest and has a defined rejection - they say no. The others have unknown rejections, and that can be scary I agree. |
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"If I REALLY fancy someone I'll touch them and initiate contact. Less common. If I'm unsure, I'll see if they do and see how that makes me feel.
This is also really true, I've been seeing a guy a few months now who I was completely on the fence about til he kissed me, sometimes you need that to know if its
Yup, a kiss can change everything! "
Oh I definitely agree, sealed the deal here 
Tinder |
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"I'm quite a tactile person when I'm with people I like, platonic or otherwise. I would never ever initiate the kisses - I don't want to be rejected. I haven't so far in life. Not going to have that as a possibility now.
It's not because I'm a woman (hello my glorious bisexuality), it's more because... I can't tell if someone is interested in me easily. "
I have the exact same problem ! I’m rubbish at signals and flirting and all thst stuff . I’d explore my bi side a little more , but am totally bloody useless at reading women etc …
In my uni days I was chatted up by couple and didn’t even realise they both interested until they both touched my knee lol - was a great night in the end but I’m quite shy and introverted so I missed the sighs completely lol |
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"I'm quite a tactile person when I'm with people I like, platonic or otherwise. I would never ever initiate the kisses - I don't want to be rejected. I haven't so far in life. Not going to have that as a possibility now.
It's not because I'm a woman (hello my glorious bisexuality), it's more because... I can't tell if someone is interested in me easily. "
Spider-Men pointing at each other meme. Although I'm fine with being rejected, just not in unknown ways. |
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"I'm quite a tactile person when I'm with people I like, platonic or otherwise. I would never ever initiate the kisses - I don't want to be rejected. I haven't so far in life. Not going to have that as a possibility now.
It's not because I'm a woman (hello my glorious bisexuality), it's more because... I can't tell if someone is interested in me easily.
I have the exact same problem ! I’m rubbish at signals and flirting and all thst stuff . I’d explore my bi side a little more , but am totally bloody useless at reading women etc …
In my uni days I was chatted up by couple and didn’t even realise they both interested until they both touched my knee lol - was a great night in the end but I’m quite shy and introverted so I missed the sighs completely lol "
This thread has been quite useful, glad I bumped it. I got to know I'm not alone and some practical solutions to the problem. Thank you everyone! |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"I'm quite a tactile person when I'm with people I like, platonic or otherwise. I would never ever initiate the kisses - I don't want to be rejected. I haven't so far in life. Not going to have that as a possibility now.
It's not because I'm a woman (hello my glorious bisexuality), it's more because... I can't tell if someone is interested in me easily.
Almost every word of this chimes so true with me, Meli. I'm a terrible bisexual and an even worse woman, but apart from that, absolutely all of this. "
Ha! Well yes, those details aside...
It's one of those difficult things to navigate. Sure, there'll be missed opportunities but I'd much rather miss out on those occasionally and not misread things than make an absolute arse of myself.
Maybe we should actually push ourselves a little bit El? You know, venture in to a brave new world and all of that. |
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"I'm quite a tactile person when I'm with people I like, platonic or otherwise. I would never ever initiate the kisses - I don't want to be rejected. I haven't so far in life. Not going to have that as a possibility now.
It's not because I'm a woman (hello my glorious bisexuality), it's more because... I can't tell if someone is interested in me easily.
Almost every word of this chimes so true with me, Meli. I'm a terrible bisexual and an even worse woman, but apart from that, absolutely all of this.
Ha! Well yes, those details aside...
It's one of those difficult things to navigate. Sure, there'll be missed opportunities but I'd much rather miss out on those occasionally and not misread things than make an absolute arse of myself.
Maybe we should actually push ourselves a little bit El? You know, venture in to a brave new world and all of that."
I don't think you are wrong at all...at least, I think I should, and I'm sure you know yourself. But as you and many others know, I REALLY don't need any help making an absolute arse of myself, so I suspect withdrawn will continue to be my way until I'm 100% sure. |
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"I'm quite a tactile person when I'm with people I like, platonic or otherwise. I would never ever initiate the kisses - I don't want to be rejected. I haven't so far in life. Not going to have that as a possibility now.
It's not because I'm a woman (hello my glorious bisexuality), it's more because... I can't tell if someone is interested in me easily.
Almost every word of this chimes so true with me, Meli. I'm a terrible bisexual and an even worse woman, but apart from that, absolutely all of this.
Ha! Well yes, those details aside...
It's one of those difficult things to navigate. Sure, there'll be missed opportunities but I'd much rather miss out on those occasionally and not misread things than make an absolute arse of myself.
Maybe we should actually push ourselves a little bit El? You know, venture in to a brave new world and all of that."
I think I've made an arse of myself either way - because even though I was not rejected for a kiss I didn't ask for - I wasted their time. I'm leaning towards trying in the moment and failing than beating myself up afterwards. |
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By *mf123Man
over a year ago
with one foot out the door |
"Touch is an important part of communicating my intentions to someone, and yes it would put me off, if he wasn't as tactile as me. But I'm very clear, that I am from the get go "
translated grabs ballbag and takes it to room |
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"Touch is an important part of communicating my intentions to someone, and yes it would put me off, if he wasn't as tactile as me. But I'm very clear, that I am from the get go "
If you're being tactile yourself, then I think it's fine to expect the same if they're interested. The issue seems to be what if both parties are waiting for each other to make the first move. |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
I'm a naturally tactile person, so for me, touching a hand or arm isn't necessarily a sign that I want things to go further, and I'd not take general touching of hand or arm as a sign that the other person wanted more.
It's more the nature of the touch. If his hand lingers on mine, if he strokes my arm, or hand. A brush of the knee means nothing, but a gentle nudge of legs against mine, combined with the look in his eyes as he flicks between watching my eyes and lips... that could mean he's imagining a kiss or more.
I won't overtly initiate more than a touch, but if I can't tell from his body language, I'll just ask.
That's the beauty of language... it can be spoken as well as unspoken. |
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"Touch is an important part of communicating my intentions to someone, and yes it would put me off, if he wasn't as tactile as me. But I'm very clear, that I am from the get go
If you're being tactile yourself, then I think it's fine to expect the same if they're interested. The issue seems to be what if both parties are waiting for each other to make the first move. "
I'm happy to make the first move tbh |
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"Touch is an important part of communicating my intentions to someone, and yes it would put me off, if he wasn't as tactile as me. But I'm very clear, that I am from the get go translated grabs ballbag and takes it to room "
Nah I'd chuck you over my shoulder before you teabagged me... |
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"Touch is an important part of communicating my intentions to someone, and yes it would put me off, if he wasn't as tactile as me. But I'm very clear, that I am from the get go
If you're being tactile yourself, then I think it's fine to expect the same if they're interested. The issue seems to be what if both parties are waiting for each other to make the first move.
I'm happy to make the first move tbh "
Does stealing my biscuits over coffee count as the first move?  |
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"I'm a naturally tactile person, so for me, touching a hand or arm isn't necessarily a sign that I want things to go further, and I'd not take general touching of hand or arm as a sign that the other person wanted more.
It's more the nature of the touch. If his hand lingers on mine, if he strokes my arm, or hand. A brush of the knee means nothing, but a gentle nudge of legs against mine, combined with the look in his eyes as he flicks between watching my eyes and lips... that could mean he's imagining a kiss or more.
I won't overtly initiate more than a touch, but if I can't tell from his body language, I'll just ask.
That's the beauty of language... it can be spoken as well as unspoken."
Yeah, but it seems I missed the masterclass on socials haha.
I find it much easier to be bold on chat than irl.
I moved from general conversation to general conversation + flirting (without touch / body involvement) but this thread has showed that it should be general conversation + flirting including touch. |
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"Touch is an important part of communicating my intentions to someone, and yes it would put me off, if he wasn't as tactile as me. But I'm very clear, that I am from the get go
If you're being tactile yourself, then I think it's fine to expect the same if they're interested. The issue seems to be what if both parties are waiting for each other to make the first move.
I'm happy to make the first move tbh
Does stealing my biscuits over coffee count as the first move? "
Of course
Followed by a slow snog of course |
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"Touch is an important part of communicating my intentions to someone, and yes it would put me off, if he wasn't as tactile as me. But I'm very clear, that I am from the get go
If you're being tactile yourself, then I think it's fine to expect the same if they're interested. The issue seems to be what if both parties are waiting for each other to make the first move.
I'm happy to make the first move tbh "
I wish everyone I met was like you, wouldn't have to think about it at all! |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I'm a naturally tactile person, so for me, touching a hand or arm isn't necessarily a sign that I want things to go further, and I'd not take general touching of hand or arm as a sign that the other person wanted more.
It's more the nature of the touch. If his hand lingers on mine, if he strokes my arm, or hand. A brush of the knee means nothing, but a gentle nudge of legs against mine, combined with the look in his eyes as he flicks between watching my eyes and lips... that could mean he's imagining a kiss or more.
I won't overtly initiate more than a touch, but if I can't tell from his body language, I'll just ask.
That's the beauty of language... it can be spoken as well as unspoken.
Yeah, but it seems I missed the masterclass on socials haha.
I find it much easier to be bold on chat than irl.
I moved from general conversation to general conversation + flirting (without touch / body involvement) but this thread has showed that it should be general conversation + flirting including touch."
There is always another option, which is when you're chatting beforehand mention that you're nervous about making a move as you don't know how it'll be received... and agree some kind of signal in advance. Like if she's stroking the sugar packets suggestively... or if you wiggle your eyebrows. I don't know 
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If I don't know someone, I'll naturally be touch-averse with them. I'll never make contact. What I will be doing however is intently studying their body language, since 80% or more of communication is non-verbal.
Of their verbal communication, I'll be listening intently to what they say and comparing it to their body language. I'll also be listening to their words for any subtext. |
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"I'm a naturally tactile person, so for me, touching a hand or arm isn't necessarily a sign that I want things to go further, and I'd not take general touching of hand or arm as a sign that the other person wanted more.
It's more the nature of the touch. If his hand lingers on mine, if he strokes my arm, or hand. A brush of the knee means nothing, but a gentle nudge of legs against mine, combined with the look in his eyes as he flicks between watching my eyes and lips... that could mean he's imagining a kiss or more.
I won't overtly initiate more than a touch, but if I can't tell from his body language, I'll just ask.
That's the beauty of language... it can be spoken as well as unspoken.
Yeah, but it seems I missed the masterclass on socials haha.
I find it much easier to be bold on chat than irl.
I moved from general conversation to general conversation + flirting (without touch / body involvement) but this thread has showed that it should be general conversation + flirting including touch.
There is always another option, which is when you're chatting beforehand mention that you're nervous about making a move as you don't know how it'll be received... and agree some kind of signal in advance. Like if she's stroking the sugar packets suggestively... or if you wiggle your eyebrows. I don't know
"
Haha, that's a funny mental image. Now I want to do that with someone! That should be a thread in itself - how to find a woman who'll suggestively stroke sugar packets for me |
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"Touch is an important part of communicating my intentions to someone, and yes it would put me off, if he wasn't as tactile as me. But I'm very clear, that I am from the get go
If you're being tactile yourself, then I think it's fine to expect the same if they're interested. The issue seems to be what if both parties are waiting for each other to make the first move.
I'm happy to make the first move tbh
Does stealing my biscuits over coffee count as the first move?
Of course
Followed by a slow snog of course "
As a bonus, I get to taste my biscuits that you pinched  |
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"If I don't know someone, I'll naturally be touch-averse with them. I'll never make contact. What I will be doing however is intently studying their body language, since 80% or more of communication is non-verbal.
Of their verbal communication, I'll be listening intently to what they say and comparing it to their body language. I'll also be listening to their words for any subtext."
Given the cases above where a kiss changed everything, these don't seem to be enough apparently. |
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"I'm a naturally tactile person, so for me, touching a hand or arm isn't necessarily a sign that I want things to go further, and I'd not take general touching of hand or arm as a sign that the other person wanted more.
It's more the nature of the touch. If his hand lingers on mine, if he strokes my arm, or hand. A brush of the knee means nothing, but a gentle nudge of legs against mine, combined with the look in his eyes as he flicks between watching my eyes and lips... that could mean he's imagining a kiss or more.
I won't overtly initiate more than a touch, but if I can't tell from his body language, I'll just ask.
That's the beauty of language... it can be spoken as well as unspoken.
Yeah, but it seems I missed the masterclass on socials haha.
I find it much easier to be bold on chat than irl.
I moved from general conversation to general conversation + flirting (without touch / body involvement) but this thread has showed that it should be general conversation + flirting including touch.
There is always another option, which is when you're chatting beforehand mention that you're nervous about making a move as you don't know how it'll be received... and agree some kind of signal in advance. Like if she's stroking the sugar packets suggestively... or if you wiggle your eyebrows. I don't know
"
Love this |
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"Touch is an important part of communicating my intentions to someone, and yes it would put me off, if he wasn't as tactile as me. But I'm very clear, that I am from the get go
If you're being tactile yourself, then I think it's fine to expect the same if they're interested. The issue seems to be what if both parties are waiting for each other to make the first move.
I'm happy to make the first move tbh
Does stealing my biscuits over coffee count as the first move?
Of course
Followed by a slow snog of course
As a bonus, I get to taste my biscuits that you pinched "
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"Touch is an important part of communicating my intentions to someone, and yes it would put me off, if he wasn't as tactile as me. But I'm very clear, that I am from the get go translated grabs ballbag and takes it to room
Nah I'd chuck you over my shoulder before you teabagged me... oy im the shoulder thrower round these parts  "
Shoulder thrower cum ballsack twirler...
I'd give you a 5 sec head start  |
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"Given the cases above where a kiss changed everything, these don't seem to be enough apparently."
Nope, but they get you there. Because after seeing the dawn arise and chatting all night to the then wasn't Mrs DS, on our first meeting, I said to her, "May I kiss you ?" and she said "Yes". That was 33 years ago. |
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"I'm going to be speaking from my perspective as a man, but am interested in both sides - what men and women do and think.
To set the scene, imagine this is your first social meet with a person you find attractive online. Assume you both are open to the potential for more if there's a spark (not necessarily the same day, but sometime).
In my case, no matter how attractive I find them, I find I never initiate physical contact (not accidental touches, I mean actively holding their hands, going for kisses, etc.) I'll lean towards them (not too close though, haha) maintain eye contact during our chats, and show them I'm interested with my words but nothing more. Actions are something I'm much less forward with - at the back of my mind, there's always this feeling of 'what if they take it the wrong way?' Introductory and goodbye hugs are fine, of course.
What do you think? Is this behaviour too closed-off? If something like this happened to you, would you assume disinterest? And have you made the first move sometimes (this one's more for the women)? If so, where are you and can we meet? "
Damn is that relatable |
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"I keep my hands off. I'm terrible at judging what other people are thinking and I'd rather appear stand offish than overstep boundaries "
Are you me? Okay, I think it's final - I'm going to work up the courage to ask for permission (and take a possible no) rather than continue my current behaviour (as described above). One side has to! |
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"Given the cases above where a kiss changed everything, these don't seem to be enough apparently.
Nope, but they get you there. Because after seeing the dawn arise and chatting all night to the then wasn't Mrs DS, on our first meeting, I said to her, "May I kiss you ?" and she said "Yes". That was 33 years ago."
Wholesome
But yeah, the question still needs to be asked out loud and not be kept in my mind. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm such a tactile person but I'm shockingly bad at picking up signals.
Once met a guy for a social, we got on great,chatted for hours, hugged when we left. I texted and asked did he want to meet again. His reply was no thanks.
I honestly never have a clue and for fear of rejection I probably come across as not interested.
I wonder how many missed opportunities I've had
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"I'm going to be speaking from my perspective as a man, but am interested in both sides - what men and women do and think.
To set the scene, imagine this is your first social meet with a person you find attractive online. Assume you both are open to the potential for more if there's a spark (not necessarily the same day, but sometime).
In my case, no matter how attractive I find them, I find I never initiate physical contact (not accidental touches, I mean actively holding their hands, going for kisses, etc.) I'll lean towards them (not too close though, haha) maintain eye contact during our chats, and show them I'm interested with my words but nothing more. Actions are something I'm much less forward with - at the back of my mind, there's always this feeling of 'what if they take it the wrong way?' Introductory and goodbye hugs are fine, of course.
What do you think? Is this behaviour too closed-off? If something like this happened to you, would you assume disinterest? And have you made the first move sometimes (this one's more for the women)? If so, where are you and can we meet?
Damn is that relatable "
Welcome to the club! |
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"But yeah, the question still needs to be asked out loud and not be kept in my mind. "
I'll be absolutely honest. As I formed the question, my heart was pounding in my chest, and I was absolutely terrified.
But it wasn't the thought of reject that terrified me. It was the thought of asking. Easily the most scariest thing I have ever done in my life. And 33 years later, I am so glad I did |
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"I'm such a tactile person but I'm shockingly bad at picking up signals.
Once met a guy for a social, we got on great,chatted for hours, hugged when we left. I texted and asked did he want to meet again. His reply was no thanks.
I honestly never have a clue and for fear of rejection I probably come across as not interested.
I wonder how many missed opportunities I've had
"
OMG! How ridiculous do you think it is that I had the exact same situation (except gender reversal) down to the details? In fact, that is what inspired me to make this post.
I hope it gives you some solace in knowing that you're not alone - I feel exactly the same way - regretting the opportunities I missed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The whole touching aspect is so horny - you have to make sure all parties are ok with it I think "
Reminds me of the Cuddle Puddle from a private play party. Darkened room with mattresses covering the floor, blankets and cushions.
Free to enter if you dare, very tactile experience |
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"I'm such a tactile person but I'm shockingly bad at picking up signals.
Once met a guy for a social, we got on great,chatted for hours, hugged when we left. I texted and asked did he want to meet again. His reply was no thanks.
I honestly never have a clue and for fear of rejection I probably come across as not interested.
I wonder how many missed opportunities I've had
OMG! How ridiculous do you think it is that I had the exact same situation (except gender reversal) down to the details? In fact, that is what inspired me to make this post.
I hope it gives you some solace in knowing that you're not alone - I feel exactly the same way - regretting the opportunities I missed."
When the objective is to seduce and be seduced long talks won't necessarily do it, quite the reverse. People are after explosive excitement, it's fickle yes but rather natural. You say you flirt but I am not convinced! If touching/kissing is too much for you and talking is your strong game, ramp up the flirting, and make it explicit. People can't read your mind so freely give them a piece of it. Compliments, innuendos, openly expressing your positive lustful thoughts and desires, sharing a fantasy involving the person, be creative. Saying "I'd love to kiss you" requires no action on your part and doesn't put the other person on the spot but clearly communicates your intention or at least your desire. How can I do this and be sure I won't offend, you ask? And the answer is, you're nowhere near that point! So "being explicit" wouldn't be my advice to everyone, but to someone like you it is (sure, maybe there'll be an insufferable pushy horndog unveiled underneath, in which case I apologise for encouraging to let that djin out ha!) With experience you'll get more confidence in being the active pursuer, yes it is not easy for the reserved shy introverted and socially anxious or challenged. Personally I love shy men and I've pounced on a few (not always appreciated!)
And another thing - proposing something and hearing no shouldn't be so big a deal. I know most of us don't have the self-esteem to endure it but it really doesn't mean an overall rejection, just a negative to the specific thing that is being propositioned at that particular moment&place. It is NOT a reflection on your worth, overall attractiveness or anything else that deep. Besides sometimes things fail to ignite for no specific reason and that is fine too, it's part of the process |
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"I'm such a tactile person but I'm shockingly bad at picking up signals.
Once met a guy for a social, we got on great,chatted for hours, hugged when we left. I texted and asked did he want to meet again. His reply was no thanks.
I honestly never have a clue and for fear of rejection I probably come across as not interested.
I wonder how many missed opportunities I've had
OMG! How ridiculous do you think it is that I had the exact same situation (except gender reversal) down to the details? In fact, that is what inspired me to make this post.
I hope it gives you some solace in knowing that you're not alone - I feel exactly the same way - regretting the opportunities I missed.
When the objective is to seduce and be seduced long talks won't necessarily do it, quite the reverse. People are after explosive excitement, it's fickle yes but rather natural. You say you flirt but I am not convinced! If touching/kissing is too much for you and talking is your strong game, ramp up the flirting, and make it explicit. People can't read your mind so freely give them a piece of it. Compliments, innuendos, openly expressing your positive lustful thoughts and desires, sharing a fantasy involving the person, be creative. Saying "I'd love to kiss you" requires no action on your part and doesn't put the other person on the spot but clearly communicates your intention or at least your desire. How can I do this and be sure I won't offend, you ask? And the answer is, you're nowhere near that point! So "being explicit" wouldn't be my advice to everyone, but to someone like you it is (sure, maybe there'll be an insufferable pushy horndog unveiled underneath, in which case I apologise for encouraging to let that djin out ha!) With experience you'll get more confidence in being the active pursuer, yes it is not easy for the reserved shy introverted and socially anxious or challenged. Personally I love shy men and I've pounced on a few (not always appreciated!)
And another thing - proposing something and hearing no shouldn't be so big a deal. I know most of us don't have the self-esteem to endure it but it really doesn't mean an overall rejection, just a negative to the specific thing that is being propositioned at that particular moment&place. It is NOT a reflection on your worth, overall attractiveness or anything else that deep. Besides sometimes things fail to ignite for no specific reason and that is fine too, it's part of the process "
Thank you, I think this has been my favourite reply on the thread so far! Just for letting me imagine someone pouncing on me. But seriously, I need to follow your advice. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
I’d say just be yourself. If physical contact feels wring to you then don’t do it. Sone people don’t like it especially at first.
I’m the polar opposite to you, I’m very touchy feely & I will touch & hold the hand of my date within minutes normally but if I sense they uncomfortable with it I stop - it’s very easy to pick up in. But if by 2-3rd date they are still uncomfortable , we are simply not compatible.
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"I find the perfect time for a kiss is when you walk them to their car. You will have more privacy.
What is thing you speak of? A "car"? As a true Londoner, I can't relate.
Bus stop then lol"
That's better haha. |
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"I’d say just be yourself. If physical contact feels wring to you then don’t do it. Sone people don’t like it especially at first.
I’m the polar opposite to you, I’m very touchy feely & I will touch & hold the hand of my date within minutes normally but if I sense they uncomfortable with it I stop - it’s very easy to pick up in. But if by 2-3rd date they are still uncomfortable , we are simply not compatible.
"
It's not that it feels wrong to me, I'm more concerned about "what if it feels wrong to them?" That's why I (used to) prefer them to initiate. This thread has given me some concrete ideas to apply in practice now though. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm going to be speaking from my perspective as a man, but am interested in both sides - what men and women do and think.
To set the scene, imagine this is your first social meet with a person you find attractive online. Assume you both are open to the potential for more if there's a spark (not necessarily the same day, but sometime).
In my case, no matter how attractive I find them, I find I never initiate physical contact (not accidental touches, I mean actively holding their hands, going for kisses, etc.) I'll lean towards them (not too close though, haha) maintain eye contact during our chats, and show them I'm interested with my words but nothing more. Actions are something I'm much less forward with - at the back of my mind, there's always this feeling of 'what if they take it the wrong way?' Introductory and goodbye hugs are fine, of course.
What do you think? Is this behaviour too closed-off? If something like this happened to you, would you assume disinterest? And have you made the first move sometimes (this one's more for the women)? If so, where are you and can we meet? "
Well I can read eye contact and body language so never had a problem initiating. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m not an overly tactile person and like you OP I sometimes get a little worried about how the other person will take it. I never want to overstep their boundaries or be rejected but if I get the vibe that feelings are reciprocated then I will test the water a little, touching their arm or resting my hand on their thigh and gauging their reaction to it. If they don’t recoil in horror then you should be ok it’s just getting over that initial fear holding you back. |
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"I’m not an overly tactile person and like you OP I sometimes get a little worried about how the other person will take it. I never want to overstep their boundaries or be rejected but if I get the vibe that feelings are reciprocated then I will test the water a little, touching their arm or resting my hand on their thigh and gauging their reaction to it. If they don’t recoil in horror then you should be ok it’s just getting over that initial fear holding you back. "
A conclusion I've come to on fab is that beauty (it's subjective, I know) is not correlated to self-confidence at all, at least in terms of the touch aspect. I can imagine someone recoiling in horror when I do that, but for you (and some others in this thread) to think the same, it blows my mind haha. |
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