i am going through a divorce! we have separated but still live under the same roof. we both agree that it is better for all if we can stay amicable with each other.
we now plan to put the house on the market and go our separate ways! i work shifts which are basically 4 on 4 off! my ex works Monday to Thursday. i have said that i want to have my daughter on my days off! which means that she will spend 4 nights with me and then 4 nights with her mum!
my ex says that it us unreasonable and won't be fair on my daughter! she says 3 nights is fair but still too much!
we have both said that we want to keep the use of solicitors and courts to a minimum!
i am worried that if we can't agree on this it will be settled in a court and i keep hearing that the judge always sides with the mum!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hi, sorry to hear of your troubles. Been there, done that. Sigh.
How much discussion has gone into the situation up until now? Have you discussed the pros and cons of both positions? If it all ends in arguments every time have you tried writing it down for her to read when you're not around and she's more relaxed and receptive? I agree on keeping the bloodsuckers out of it, keeping it amicable is nigh on impossible once they start. Good luck, if you take nothing else from this please take the next bit. . .keep cool, don't raise your voice and stay calm. Things will move forward better that way. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What does your daughter want? If you and your wife can't agree then if it does go to court then the child has an influence these days."
Age dependent
How old is your child OP? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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1) How old is you daughter, and can she voice her opinion
2) 4 on 4 off is half the year exactly. If you have your daughter half the time you pay no maintenance. |
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"What does your daughter want? If you and your wife can't agree then if it does go to court then the child has an influence these days."
my daughter will be happy with a 50/50 split, i think!! she is only 7! will she have an influence ? |
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"What does your daughter want? If you and your wife can't agree then if it does go to court then the child has an influence these days.
Age dependent
How old is your child OP?"
I knew that but didn't want to ask a personal question.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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At 7 yes she will have a BIG say in it if it gos to court . But have you thort about it from the other side . If your ex said I work . Monday to Thursday so I want the kids Thursday night to Monday morning every week and you can have the rest that wouldn't fit with your work patten and you wouldn't be happy . So why is it you feel she should have to fit in to your 4 on 4 off work patten ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Consider mediation. It doesn't involve solicitors, its simply someone who helps your discussions remain calm, thoughtful and proactive."
And doesn't have ounce of legal clarity...I went thru mediation with my ex for my solicitor to tell me nothing we agree on stands up in a court of law...so to me a complete waste of my time and money...  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went through what you are going through 11 years ago and my ex/w and I lived under the same roof for two years while we sorted out the finances. My solicitor told me not to leave as she could drag it out for years, so hopefully you won't be going through that particularly messy aspect of splitting up.
With regards to our daughter (she was 4 at the time), she was in no position to voice her opinion on the matter and it was decided that I would have her Fri - Sun every other weekend, and then every Wednesday evening. It meant I had to go from seeing her every day of her life to every other weekend and once per midweek, but she needed the stability of that and it meant our time together was always quality time. It wasn't ideal but it worked.
Sooner or later you will meet someone else and you'll have to build a new relationship between you and your new partner at the same time that she has to form a relationship with your daughter. Having your daughter there every time your new partner visits may feel overwhelming and she could back out, plus your daughter may resent having another woman entering your life. You need time alone to develop a life of your own and fit the pieces in around it as and when they present themselves.
You will always be your daughter's father until you choose not to be and then she'll simply transfer her paternal feelings onto someone else. Be there for her even when she's not with you, make it known that you are always only a phone call away and you can ring her on the days you don't see her. Would her mum be ok with that?
Good luck, you could have a rocky road ahead of you or a nice smooth ride, it all depends on whether either of you dig your heels in instead of compromising. |
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"I went through what you are going through 11 years ago and my ex/w and I lived under the same roof for two years while we sorted out the finances. My solicitor told me not to leave as she could drag it out for years, so hopefully you won't be going through that particularly messy aspect of splitting up.
With regards to our daughter (she was 4 at the time), she was in no position to voice her opinion on the matter and it was decided that I would have her Fri - Sun every other weekend, and then every Wednesday evening. It meant I had to go from seeing her every day of her life to every other weekend and once per midweek, but she needed the stability of that and it meant our time together was always quality time. It wasn't ideal but it worked.
Sooner or later you will meet someone else and you'll have to build a new relationship between you and your new partner at the same time that she has to form a relationship with your daughter. Having your daughter there every time your new partner visits may feel overwhelming and she could back out, plus your daughter may resent having another woman entering your life. You need time alone to develop a life of your own and fit the pieces in around it as and when they present themselves.
You will always be your daughter's father until you choose not to be and then she'll simply transfer her paternal feelings onto someone else. Be there for her even when she's not with you, make it known that you are always only a phone call away and you can ring her on the days you don't see her. Would her mum be ok with that?
Good luck, you could have a rocky road ahead of you or a nice smooth ride, it all depends on whether either of you dig your heels in instead of compromising."
thanks for that.
to be perfectly honest i have no intention what so ever of starting a serious relationship now or in the future! i want to focus my all on my daughter , she is my heart beat and always will be my priority !
as for the phone call every day, i don't think the ex will allow it! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Being 7 she would definitely have a say and her thoughts would be taken into consideration.
You can get a solicitor to draw up a contact agreement which might help to make sure you both know where you stand.
Courts do like children to feel settled and may view a 50/50 split too much and could be unsettling for her.
As long as when you both have your own places you are still fairly local to each other so when she is with you, she can still attend the same school and see her friends etc
I would suggest you try to talk to your wife again and perhaps suggest 3 nights with you then 4 with her.
Good luck. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I went through what you are going through 11 years ago and my ex/w and I lived under the same roof for two years while we sorted out the finances. My solicitor told me not to leave as she could drag it out for years, so hopefully you won't be going through that particularly messy aspect of splitting up.
With regards to our daughter (she was 4 at the time), she was in no position to voice her opinion on the matter and it was decided that I would have her Fri - Sun every other weekend, and then every Wednesday evening. It meant I had to go from seeing her every day of her life to every other weekend and once per midweek, but she needed the stability of that and it meant our time together was always quality time. It wasn't ideal but it worked.
Sooner or later you will meet someone else and you'll have to build a new relationship between you and your new partner at the same time that she has to form a relationship with your daughter. Having your daughter there every time your new partner visits may feel overwhelming and she could back out, plus your daughter may resent having another woman entering your life. You need time alone to develop a life of your own and fit the pieces in around it as and when they present themselves.
You will always be your daughter's father until you choose not to be and then she'll simply transfer her paternal feelings onto someone else. Be there for her even when she's not with you, make it known that you are always only a phone call away and you can ring her on the days you don't see her. Would her mum be ok with that?
Good luck, you could have a rocky road ahead of you or a nice smooth ride, it all depends on whether either of you dig your heels in instead of compromising."
was the decision on your daughter made just between u and ur ex?
only my friend went through a custody battle when her son was 3.. and he was very much involved in the decision! there are ways on finding out things on how the child feels about each parent. he was taken to a nice play area, where a nice lady just had a friendly chat with him.. but he was asked questions in an age approprate way.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hope you can sort it out before going down the court route and don't let it get nasty, you can always apply for joint custody, but be warned even if you get the the 4 days you want, if it does turn Nast between the 2 of you she will use every trick in the book for you not to see her, and she will always win, so know matter how much your wife pissed you off don't bite |
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