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Advice on rough sex/finger fucking
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By *4567 OP Man
over a year ago
Liverpool |
OK, this might be a long one and not sure if this is the right forum, so apologies in advance...
Met an amazing woman online (not here). Smart, funny, beautiful, sexy, loads in common - all the good stuff. Things have been going well dating wise and last week she stayed over for the first time. But then: problem.
There’s something she wants me to do, or there’s a role that she wants me to take, but she can’t tell me. I don't know whether it's because she finds it hard to describe, or maybe because she just wants me to know without having to ask for it, but she just clams up when things aren't going right. We’ve slept together twice now, and same problem both times. It seems like she wants to be dominated or treated rough. One thing she keeps asking me to do is use my hands between her legs, but not the usual fingering. But again she can’t tell me what it is she wants - all she says is ‘pressure’, and then clams up when I don't get it right. The moment we stop with sex she’s fine again, conversation goes back to normal, it’s just when we start doing stuff that she can’t talk. We’ve talked about it since, and I said maybe we’re just too different in bed, to which she got really upset. Kept on saying things like ‘I’m not normal’.
As you’ve probably already worked out from this post, I’m not naturally a dominant/rough type as I’m generally just a pretty easy-going person. I've done some D/S stuff before, but nothing too extreme, and anything we did do was always talked about/agreed beforehand (I find it helps me to have permission before I can do anything harder).
Would be interesting to hear from anyone who’s done this kind of thing what it’s like for them, especially women who like finger fucking or pressure between the legs (what is it she’s asking for?) Alternatively, if anyone knows of any good kink or D/S forums to go to instead, would be nice to hear about them. I’m guessing some people will say that you can’t learn to be dominant or rough but I feel like this is worth trying to learn if that’s what she wants. I’ve been on Pornhub watching a few videos of hard finger fucking to get some idea, and it looks fun.
Any advice welcome. Obviously anyone who jumps in with a comment like ‘send her to me mate’ will get told to go fuck themselves. Thanks |
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"OK, this might be a long one and not sure if this is the right forum, so apologies in advance...
Met an amazing woman online (not here). Smart, funny, beautiful, sexy, loads in common - all the good stuff. Things have been going well dating wise and last week she stayed over for the first time. But then: problem.
There’s something she wants me to do, or there’s a role that she wants me to take, but she can’t tell me. I don't know whether it's because she finds it hard to describe, or maybe because she just wants me to know without having to ask for it, but she just clams up when things aren't going right. We’ve slept together twice now, and same problem both times. It seems like she wants to be dominated or treated rough. One thing she keeps asking me to do is use my hands between her legs, but not the usual fingering. But again she can’t tell me what it is she wants - all she says is ‘pressure’, and then clams up when I don't get it right. The moment we stop with sex she’s fine again, conversation goes back to normal, it’s just when we start doing stuff that she can’t talk. We’ve talked about it since, and I said maybe we’re just too different in bed, to which she got really upset. Kept on saying things like ‘I’m not normal’.
As you’ve probably already worked out from this post, I’m not naturally a dominant/rough type as I’m generally just a pretty easy-going person. I've done some D/S stuff before, but nothing too extreme, and anything we did do was always talked about/agreed beforehand (I find it helps me to have permission before I can do anything harder).
Would be interesting to hear from anyone who’s done this kind of thing what it’s like for them, especially women who like finger fucking or pressure between the legs (what is it she’s asking for?) Alternatively, if anyone knows of any good kink or D/S forums to go to instead, would be nice to hear about them. I’m guessing some people will say that you can’t learn to be dominant or rough but I feel like this is worth trying to learn if that’s what she wants. I’ve been on Pornhub watching a few videos of hard finger fucking to get some idea, and it looks fun.
Any advice welcome. Obviously anyone who jumps in with a comment like ‘send her to me mate’ will get told to go fuck themselves. Thanks"
Practice on another woman first then you will be all good.  |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
Talk to her out of the bedroom and away from a sexual environment.
She may be more comfortable opening up ove a coffee somewhere, or even over the phone without you being together.
Some people struggle to be up front face to face and explain what they want/how they feel.
Try discussing with distance between you and be patient. If she can't verbalise what she wants right now don't push it, and focus on something else.
A |
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I guess it boils down to whether you like being rough OP, all you can do is try different techniques and see how you go. But accept that even then it may not work. Some people just aren't 100% compatible in sex no matter how hard they try. Good luck in your journey OP |
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Firstly you need to talk to her outside of the sex environment.
And explain...you can't give her what she wants until she tells you what that is.
As regarding rough play. You need to talk about hard and soft limits ...not just for her ...but for you.
Its maybe a case your just not compatible that way. But until you talk it out...you'll never know for sure. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Could you maybe explore watching porn together, and if she’s finding it difficult to tell you what she wants then she can find it in a video and show you? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You sound like you're trying really hard to communicate with her, but she's finding it difficult to acknowledge what she wants perhaps out of shame.
Wanting something that you perceive as outside the norm or wrong - can make you feel really ashamed and embarrassed. Especially if you've kept it inside for a long time and not told a soul. Or have been shamed by ex-partners for liking what they like. Reassurance helps hugely. |
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If someone wants you to do something of this nature and can't or won't articulate it, don't try to guess. If she can't find a way to communicate it even by writing it down you would be on very shaky ground if you attempted to guess and got it wrong. It's not fair on you |
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By *ruceyyMan
over a year ago
London |
I couldn't be bothered to read it all I'll be honest.
But ultimately from what I gather here's my thoughts - if it's not you, don't do it.
Sex is always shit if acts are being done for the sake of it. If it doesn't feel like something you're comfortable with, don't do it. You might love it, but let her know you aren't into it personally so she can decide whether she still wants you to |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I couldn't be bothered to read it all I'll be honest.
But ultimately from what I gather here's my thoughts - if it's not you, don't do it.
Sex is always shit if acts are being done for the sake of it. If it doesn't feel like something you're comfortable with, don't do it. You might love it, but let her know you aren't into it personally so she can decide whether she still wants you to "
This actually makes all the sense!!
A guy trying to be dominant who isn't naturally leads to shit sex. |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"I couldn't be bothered to read it all I'll be honest.
But ultimately from what I gather here's my thoughts - if it's not you, don't do it.
Sex is always shit if acts are being done for the sake of it. If it doesn't feel like something you're comfortable with, don't do it. You might love it, but let her know you aren't into it personally so she can decide whether she still wants you to
This actually makes all the sense!!
A guy trying to be dominant who isn't naturally leads to shit sex. "
As does this. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I couldn't be bothered to read it all I'll be honest.
But ultimately from what I gather here's my thoughts - if it's not you, don't do it.
Sex is always shit if acts are being done for the sake of it. If it doesn't feel like something you're comfortable with, don't do it. You might love it, but let her know you aren't into it personally so she can decide whether she still wants you to
This actually makes all the sense!!
A guy trying to be dominant who isn't naturally leads to shit sex.
As does this."
Hmm. Does one have to "be" dominant to carry out a dominant act and enjoy the pleasure their partner takes from it? Because many "Doms" are not specifically into rough play or impact etc, but they like to do what their partner will enjoy. They get sexual pleasure from her enjoyment, not the act itself. |
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"I couldn't be bothered to read it all I'll be honest.
But ultimately from what I gather here's my thoughts - if it's not you, don't do it.
Sex is always shit if acts are being done for the sake of it. If it doesn't feel like something you're comfortable with, don't do it. You might love it, but let her know you aren't into it personally so she can decide whether she still wants you to
This actually makes all the sense!!
A guy trying to be dominant who isn't naturally leads to shit sex.
As does this.
Hmm. Does one have to "be" dominant to carry out a dominant act and enjoy the pleasure their partner takes from it? Because many "Doms" are not specifically into rough play or impact etc, but they like to do what their partner will enjoy. They get sexual pleasure from her enjoyment, not the act itself. "
I'm in agreement with this. So many profiles state that their enjoyment comes from a woman's pleasure. |
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So OP
Have you held her by the hair and face fucked her, made her gag, pull her off, slap her face lightly, hand on her throat, tell her shes a dirty whore
Put your hand between her legs, if shes wet, its what she wants
Give her pussy a slap, lightly to start, if she yelps with pleasure do it a bit harder, ask is this what you want, try slapping her arse, lightly and build the intensity depending on her reaction
Intersperse the pain with the pleasure and build it |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
So I just managed to get over the lack of line breaks and read it all.
OP - she has a desire or lust or whatever you wanna call it to be made to feel a certain way, maybe vulnerable, violated, used possibly something very specific physically to hit the spot.
I have an idea or ideas of what it might be, but like others have said if you are un comfortable exploring this, and she’s uncomfortable describing it verbally, because it’s hard to, or she feels embarrassed, or feels something wrong with her then it’s gonna be hard for you to do it safely, because you should be the one showing her there’s nothing wrong with her, & figuring out how to hit the spots, but you don’t have the confidence or experience to
|
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"So OP
Have you held her by the hair and face fucked her, made her gag, pull her off, slap her face lightly, hand on her throat, tell her shes a dirty whore
Put your hand between her legs, if shes wet, its what she wants
Give her pussy a slap, lightly to start, if she yelps with pleasure do it a bit harder, ask is this what you want, try slapping her arse, lightly and build the intensity depending on her reaction
Intersperse the pain with the pleasure and build it"
Under no circumstances try this. Ffs. |
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By *ruceyyMan
over a year ago
London |
"I couldn't be bothered to read it all I'll be honest.
But ultimately from what I gather here's my thoughts - if it's not you, don't do it.
Sex is always shit if acts are being done for the sake of it. If it doesn't feel like something you're comfortable with, don't do it. You might love it, but let her know you aren't into it personally so she can decide whether she still wants you to
This actually makes all the sense!!
A guy trying to be dominant who isn't naturally leads to shit sex.
As does this.
Hmm. Does one have to "be" dominant to carry out a dominant act and enjoy the pleasure their partner takes from it? Because many "Doms" are not specifically into rough play or impact etc, but they like to do what their partner will enjoy. They get sexual pleasure from her enjoyment, not the act itself. "
It is about what both enjoy. A Dominant guy wouldn't do it if he didn't get off on it. Likewise, due to consent, it's pretty damn imperative the woman is enjoying it to and has agreed to whatever limits before hand as well as agreed on a safe word.
The submissive women I have had sex with have purely wanted me to do what I wanted and got off on that. I got off on them getting turned on by me doing that.
Basically - any sex it's pretty key both fucking love it  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So OP
Have you held her by the hair and face fucked her, made her gag, pull her off, slap her face lightly, hand on her throat, tell her shes a dirty whore
Put your hand between her legs, if shes wet, its what she wants
Give her pussy a slap, lightly to start, if she yelps with pleasure do it a bit harder, ask is this what you want, try slapping her arse, lightly and build the intensity depending on her reaction
Intersperse the pain with the pleasure and build it"
Fucks sake  |
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If she can't explain what she wants neither of you can consent to whatever act it is she wants. What happens if you think she wants x but actually wants z and you accidentally cross a line?
Plus I'd be concerned if she's too embarrassed to ask for it, how is she going to react to you after you've done whatever it is she wants?
Tread carefully is my advice |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I couldn't be bothered to read it all I'll be honest.
But ultimately from what I gather here's my thoughts - if it's not you, don't do it.
Sex is always shit if acts are being done for the sake of it. If it doesn't feel like something you're comfortable with, don't do it. You might love it, but let her know you aren't into it personally so she can decide whether she still wants you to
This actually makes all the sense!!
A guy trying to be dominant who isn't naturally leads to shit sex.
As does this.
Hmm. Does one have to "be" dominant to carry out a dominant act and enjoy the pleasure their partner takes from it? Because many "Doms" are not specifically into rough play or impact etc, but they like to do what their partner will enjoy. They get sexual pleasure from her enjoyment, not the act itself.
It is about what both enjoy. A Dominant guy wouldn't do it if he didn't get off on it. Likewise, due to consent, it's pretty damn imperative the woman is enjoying it to and has agreed to whatever limits before hand as well as agreed on a safe word.
The submissive women I have had sex with have purely wanted me to do what I wanted and got off on that. I got off on them getting turned on by me doing that.
Basically - any sex it's pretty key both fucking love it "
Maybe I didn't explain it well. I was saying there is a difference between men who get off on being rough/giving pain etc and men who get off on the enjoyment their partner shows with certain activities. Personally my take is that dominance is about control, not consensual rough sex. |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"So OP
Have you held her by the hair and face fucked her, made her gag, pull her off, slap her face lightly, hand on her throat, tell her shes a dirty whore
Put your hand between her legs, if shes wet, its what she wants
Give her pussy a slap, lightly to start, if she yelps with pleasure do it a bit harder, ask is this what you want, try slapping her arse, lightly and build the intensity depending on her reaction
Intersperse the pain with the pleasure and build it
Under no circumstances try this. Ffs."
Why not?
It is called fractionation and creates subspace through overloading the conscious mind through sensual stimulation overload, or have I been doing things wrong.
My suggestion would be insert two fingers, slowly press down on the G spot. Start rocking your fingers in and outincreasing pressure, as soon as her eyes start to dilate say ‘ good girl’.
Or you could have a cup of tea and talk about it. |
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Haven't read the thread so maybe something similar has come up. I've met a couple of people hell bent on making me squirt and ultimately caused bleeding. It didn't hurt bc there's not many nerve endings up there but still was a bit unpleasant |
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"I couldn't be bothered to read it all I'll be honest.
But ultimately from what I gather here's my thoughts - if it's not you, don't do it.
Sex is always shit if acts are being done for the sake of it. If it doesn't feel like something you're comfortable with, don't do it. You might love it, but let her know you aren't into it personally so she can decide whether she still wants you to "
Ok I did read it all and I didn't get that feeling. I also didn't get the feeling she wants him to be rough or dominant. OP - you might be right but sounds more like she wants you to touch or finger her in a particular way not necessarily roughly. For example, more pressure on her clit, more on her g spot, perhaps both together, perhaps more fingers. perhaps whole hand. You can do all those things without being rough or dominant. As others have said somehow you need to communicate what she wants via porn or perhaps next time just ask clearly? Or ask her to try to show you or guide your hands? The more I think about this less the less i think it has to do with d/s aspects but might be wrong. |
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"So OP
Have you held her by the hair and face fucked her, made her gag, pull her off, slap her face lightly, hand on her throat, tell her shes a dirty whore
Put your hand between her legs, if shes wet, its what she wants
Give her pussy a slap, lightly to start, if she yelps with pleasure do it a bit harder, ask is this what you want, try slapping her arse, lightly and build the intensity depending on her reaction
Intersperse the pain with the pleasure and build it"
Jeez there isn't really anything in OP's post to suggest she wants those3 things. That is such a huge jump and I think quite poor advice in the circumstances. (And I like these things in the right situation with the right person AFTER some communication not BEFORE to test the water). |
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This is highly personal for each of us and you can only really learn what she wants from her. She will need to open up, in her own way, rather than somewhat relying on trial and error or guesswork.
If it's not fully satisfactory now, perhaps discuss what could satisfy you both. Share your patience. |
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If your cock is in her mouth it may affect her ability to articulate what she wants… do you ask her and she says mmmfffmfmmfffmnmffmmffff. Cough mmmdfffmmmffffggggnnnn ?? I often forget ive left my cock in a ladies mouth… you get forgetful when you get to my age!!! |
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By *ruceyyMan
over a year ago
London |
"I couldn't be bothered to read it all I'll be honest.
But ultimately from what I gather here's my thoughts - if it's not you, don't do it.
Sex is always shit if acts are being done for the sake of it. If it doesn't feel like something you're comfortable with, don't do it. You might love it, but let her know you aren't into it personally so she can decide whether she still wants you to
This actually makes all the sense!!
A guy trying to be dominant who isn't naturally leads to shit sex.
As does this.
Hmm. Does one have to "be" dominant to carry out a dominant act and enjoy the pleasure their partner takes from it? Because many "Doms" are not specifically into rough play or impact etc, but they like to do what their partner will enjoy. They get sexual pleasure from her enjoyment, not the act itself.
It is about what both enjoy. A Dominant guy wouldn't do it if he didn't get off on it. Likewise, due to consent, it's pretty damn imperative the woman is enjoying it to and has agreed to whatever limits before hand as well as agreed on a safe word.
The submissive women I have had sex with have purely wanted me to do what I wanted and got off on that. I got off on them getting turned on by me doing that.
Basically - any sex it's pretty key both fucking love it
Maybe I didn't explain it well. I was saying there is a difference between men who get off on being rough/giving pain etc and men who get off on the enjoyment their partner shows with certain activities. Personally my take is that dominance is about control, not consensual rough sex. "
I get what you're saying and without the whole dominant submissive debate again - obviously dominant submissive dynamics and relationships vary from couple to couple (or meet to meet)
I don't think getting off on the partner getting off is anything to do with Dom/sub sex. That's just how sex should be generally no? |
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"I couldn't be bothered to read it all I'll be honest.
But ultimately from what I gather here's my thoughts - if it's not you, don't do it.
Sex is always shit if acts are being done for the sake of it. If it doesn't feel like something you're comfortable with, don't do it. You might love it, but let her know you aren't into it personally so she can decide whether she still wants you to
This actually makes all the sense!!
A guy trying to be dominant who isn't naturally leads to shit sex.
As does this.
Hmm. Does one have to "be" dominant to carry out a dominant act and enjoy the pleasure their partner takes from it? Because many "Doms" are not specifically into rough play or impact etc, but they like to do what their partner will enjoy. They get sexual pleasure from her enjoyment, not the act itself.
It is about what both enjoy. A Dominant guy wouldn't do it if he didn't get off on it. Likewise, due to consent, it's pretty damn imperative the woman is enjoying it to and has agreed to whatever limits before hand as well as agreed on a safe word.
The submissive women I have had sex with have purely wanted me to do what I wanted and got off on that. I got off on them getting turned on by me doing that.
Basically - any sex it's pretty key both fucking love it
Maybe I didn't explain it well. I was saying there is a difference between men who get off on being rough/giving pain etc and men who get off on the enjoyment their partner shows with certain activities. Personally my take is that dominance is about control, not consensual rough sex.
I get what you're saying and without the whole dominant submissive debate again - obviously dominant submissive dynamics and relationships vary from couple to couple (or meet to meet)
I don't think getting off on the partner getting off is anything to do with Dom/sub sex. That's just how sex should be generally no? "
I think this is old chestnut of looking at BDSM as one thing when actually is it separate and can do one part with any of the others. For example can be dominant without anything rough or painful/sadistic/masochistic. Actually can be dominant in a very gentle way with no s/m or bondage or anything rough. Voice and instructions enough. Ditto can enjoy bondage with no d,s or m. Of course can combine different elements too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So OP
Have you held her by the hair and face fucked her, made her gag, pull her off, slap her face lightly, hand on her throat, tell her shes a dirty whore
Put your hand between her legs, if shes wet, its what she wants
Give her pussy a slap, lightly to start, if she yelps with pleasure do it a bit harder, ask is this what you want, try slapping her arse, lightly and build the intensity depending on her reaction
Intersperse the pain with the pleasure and build it
Under no circumstances try this. Ffs.
Why not?
It is called fractionation and creates subspace through overloading the conscious mind through sensual stimulation overload, or have I been doing things wrong.
My suggestion would be insert two fingers, slowly press down on the G spot. Start rocking your fingers in and outincreasing pressure, as soon as her eyes start to dilate say ‘ good girl’.
Or you could have a cup of tea and talk about it."
Why not? Because suggesting doing a whole load of rough, degrading things to a woman who hasn't expressed that she wants them is wrong.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I couldn't be bothered to read it all I'll be honest.
But ultimately from what I gather here's my thoughts - if it's not you, don't do it.
Sex is always shit if acts are being done for the sake of it. If it doesn't feel like something you're comfortable with, don't do it. You might love it, but let her know you aren't into it personally so she can decide whether she still wants you to
This actually makes all the sense!!
A guy trying to be dominant who isn't naturally leads to shit sex.
As does this.
Hmm. Does one have to "be" dominant to carry out a dominant act and enjoy the pleasure their partner takes from it? Because many "Doms" are not specifically into rough play or impact etc, but they like to do what their partner will enjoy. They get sexual pleasure from her enjoyment, not the act itself.
It is about what both enjoy. A Dominant guy wouldn't do it if he didn't get off on it. Likewise, due to consent, it's pretty damn imperative the woman is enjoying it to and has agreed to whatever limits before hand as well as agreed on a safe word.
The submissive women I have had sex with have purely wanted me to do what I wanted and got off on that. I got off on them getting turned on by me doing that.
Basically - any sex it's pretty key both fucking love it
Maybe I didn't explain it well. I was saying there is a difference between men who get off on being rough/giving pain etc and men who get off on the enjoyment their partner shows with certain activities. Personally my take is that dominance is about control, not consensual rough sex.
I get what you're saying and without the whole dominant submissive debate again - obviously dominant submissive dynamics and relationships vary from couple to couple (or meet to meet)
I don't think getting off on the partner getting off is anything to do with Dom/sub sex. That's just how sex should be generally no? "
I was talking about it specifically in relation to so-called "dominant" activities. Because there was mention of a guy needing to be naturally dominant to do them. Yeah I agree with you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I couldn't be bothered to read it all I'll be honest.
But ultimately from what I gather here's my thoughts - if it's not you, don't do it.
Sex is always shit if acts are being done for the sake of it. If it doesn't feel like something you're comfortable with, don't do it. You might love it, but let her know you aren't into it personally so she can decide whether she still wants you to
This actually makes all the sense!!
A guy trying to be dominant who isn't naturally leads to shit sex.
As does this.
Hmm. Does one have to "be" dominant to carry out a dominant act and enjoy the pleasure their partner takes from it? Because many "Doms" are not specifically into rough play or impact etc, but they like to do what their partner will enjoy. They get sexual pleasure from her enjoyment, not the act itself.
It is about what both enjoy. A Dominant guy wouldn't do it if he didn't get off on it. Likewise, due to consent, it's pretty damn imperative the woman is enjoying it to and has agreed to whatever limits before hand as well as agreed on a safe word.
The submissive women I have had sex with have purely wanted me to do what I wanted and got off on that. I got off on them getting turned on by me doing that.
Basically - any sex it's pretty key both fucking love it
Maybe I didn't explain it well. I was saying there is a difference between men who get off on being rough/giving pain etc and men who get off on the enjoyment their partner shows with certain activities. Personally my take is that dominance is about control, not consensual rough sex.
I get what you're saying and without the whole dominant submissive debate again - obviously dominant submissive dynamics and relationships vary from couple to couple (or meet to meet)
I don't think getting off on the partner getting off is anything to do with Dom/sub sex. That's just how sex should be generally no?
I think this is old chestnut of looking at BDSM as one thing when actually is it separate and can do one part with any of the others. For example can be dominant without anything rough or painful/sadistic/masochistic. Actually can be dominant in a very gentle way with no s/m or bondage or anything rough. Voice and instructions enough. Ditto can enjoy bondage with no d,s or m. Of course can combine different elements too. "
"This old chestnut" is this about my comment? I don't see BDSM as one thing nor did I express that? |
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