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Dealing with grief is individual
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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While reading a post on here about someone who has just lost a sibling, I was reminded of the recent loss of my dad and dealing with grief.
Like with many emotions grief is very individual and will affect people in different ways and how they deal with it will be different. I think there are various factors that will affect grief after a loss :
How close you were to the personm
The relationship with the person, whether it be family, close friend or acquaintance.
The cause of death, whether it be old age, long illness, sudden, accident or suicide.
How recent the loss was.
Some who have dealt with this before me have said grief can hit for days, weeks, months or even years after the loss. Certain days will be worse than others, like the first birthday, first Christmas etc since the loss.
Other things can evoke memories out of the blue and can creep up on you.
Anyone dealing with grief has my sympathy. Don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself time to heal. Life has to go on but grief has to be dealt with.
Due to my fractured relationship with my dad I don't know if my grieving was done long before the loss or its still to come. My siblings and I all had different relationships with him so it haa affected us all differently. Some of us have fond memories, others not so fond. |
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"While reading a post on here about someone who has just lost a sibling, I was reminded of the recent loss of my dad and dealing with grief.
Like with many emotions grief is very individual and will affect people in different ways and how they deal with it will be different. I think there are various factors that will affect grief after a loss :
How close you were to the personm
The relationship with the person, whether it be family, close friend or acquaintance.
The cause of death, whether it be old age, long illness, sudden, accident or suicide.
How recent the loss was.
Some who have dealt with this before me have said grief can hit for days, weeks, months or even years after the loss. Certain days will be worse than others, like the first birthday, first Christmas etc since the loss.
Other things can evoke memories out of the blue and can creep up on you.
Anyone dealing with grief has my sympathy. Don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself time to heal. Life has to go on but grief has to be dealt with.
Due to my fractured relationship with my dad I don't know if my grieving was done long before the loss or its still to come. My siblings and I all had different relationships with him so it haa affected us all differently. Some of us have fond memories, others not so fond. "
That's a lovely post. Sorry for your loss and for others who lost lived ones. I had my fair share in the recent years and months. Never easy and sure everyone deals with it differently as you so elegantly put it. I have my own wayscof coping with it which can and wi no doubt differ to that of others. Whatever feels right for you but often that includes talking to others even if they are not family and friends and get so.e strength from that.  |
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The main thing when supporting a grieving person is to let them do it their way. Only offer support if you genuinely mean it, don't say things like 'time is a great healer', never use the word lucky in combination with your sympathy or say "well he/ she had a good innings".
As you say op everyone deals with it differently and when my mum died I found myself almost having to explain the way I was to some people who obviously wanted me to react a certain way.
I always remember my aunt being criticised when my grandmother (her mum) died because she didn't cry. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The main thing when supporting a grieving person is to let them do it their way. Only offer support if you genuinely mean it, don't say things like 'time is a great healer', never use the word lucky in combination with your sympathy or say "well he/ she had a good innings".
As you say op everyone deals with it differently and when my mum died I found myself almost having to explain the way I was to some people who obviously wanted me to react a certain way.
I always remember my aunt being criticised when my grandmother (her mum) died because she didn't cry. "
Exactly. As of yet I have not shed tears and made me worry people would think I did not care. |
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A topic I have discussed in great depth and am doing with a friend right now.
Whilst I agree grief is unique to the individual. I don't see that socially that principle is well accommodated. If people don't recover in a relatively short space of time it is pathologised.
There's a societal expectation to 'get on with things'. Which contradicts what we intuitively know to be true of grief. |
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"The main thing when supporting a grieving person is to let them do it their way. Only offer support if you genuinely mean it, don't say things like 'time is a great healer', never use the word lucky in combination with your sympathy or say "well he/ she had a good innings".
As you say op everyone deals with it differently and when my mum died I found myself almost having to explain the way I was to some people who obviously wanted me to react a certain way.
I always remember my aunt being criticised when my grandmother (her mum) died because she didn't cry.
Exactly. As of yet I have not shed tears and made me worry people would think I did not care. "
My mum died in March 2022. I was with her, I didn't cry then, I didn't cry at her funeral. I cried a couple of months later when I received a card from a good friend of mine with a voucher to buy a plant in her memory. I still grieved though and no less because I didn't do it according to how other people wanted mevto. Don't worry about what people think (easier said than done I know). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"While reading a post on here about someone who has just lost a sibling, I was reminded of the recent loss of my dad and dealing with grief.
Like with many emotions grief is very individual and will affect people in different ways and how they deal with it will be different. I think there are various factors that will affect grief after a loss :
How close you were to the personm
The relationship with the person, whether it be family, close friend or acquaintance.
The cause of death, whether it be old age, long illness, sudden, accident or suicide.
How recent the loss was.
Some who have dealt with this before me have said grief can hit for days, weeks, months or even years after the loss. Certain days will be worse than others, like the first birthday, first Christmas etc since the loss.
Other things can evoke memories out of the blue and can creep up on you.
Anyone dealing with grief has my sympathy. Don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself time to heal. Life has to go on but grief has to be dealt with.
Due to my fractured relationship with my dad I don't know if my grieving was done long before the loss or its still to come. My siblings and I all had different relationships with him so it haa affected us all differently. Some of us have fond memories, others not so fond. "
Grief is a strange one...I agree...it s very much about the individual about how your process it ...how long it takes etc
For me the loss of mum...hit around 10 / 11 months down the line, coincidentally it was in the space between Christmas and her birthday and approaching the anniversary of her passing. So it just all bit home...
But I would add time does help...not because it's easier....I just think you learn how to manage it better. Well for me anyway.
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I lost my dad suddenly and unexpected, almost 9yrs ago now. The way he died, fulfilled my greatest childhood fear.
Don't think I will ever get over it tbh. I still miss him everyday. Time makes it easier to control the hurt though.
Lots of love to those who have lost a loved one too.
MrsAbz |
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Grief is individual, but it does also follow an established process - albeit very loosely and somewhat different for everybody. Hence the five stages. There is certainly no time limit though. We are fast approaching an anniversary, and 6 years down the line it still weighs heavy and this time of the year is always difficult. And I agree there is a societal expectation that we ought to be over it by now, even though what happened was bordering on the catastrophic for us. Some people genuinely don’t care about your loss. There is a stunning, brutal lack of empathy in some people. |
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Have list many over the years and grieved differently for each one!my unborn child both parents stepdad partner and good friends most recently my lovely spaniel nearly 4 weeks ago! My heart still aches for him! Miss him so so much!it creeps up on me out of the blue x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a lovely relationship with my Dad,so when he passed away almost 9 years ago I'd never experienced pain like it,I still think and miss him every day,more pain was around the corner though,my partner passed away laying beside me in bed just 6months later and tbh I just wanted to die myself as I was grieving Dad,it took me almost 4 years to take my Partners things away,I did get through it though,my life is just different now |
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