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Can you escape a toxic marriage?
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
The question comes as I am watching eastenders, have you also seen it?
Basically, suki is living with her husband nish and suki is having a secret forbidden romance with another woman who is called eve.
They want to live together suki and eve, but suki feels that she cant leave nish and every time that she tries to do it, something comes up and stops her leaving her husband for eve.
Suki even called the police on her husband on a shady deal that he was doing behind her back, so she could get the chance to leave him.
As she tried to leave one time she ended up in the hospital, but later the police came and arrested him, he wasnt happy about it as he found out that it was his wife suki who reported him.
What is your view about it, can you escape a toxic marriage and have you tried to do it and how did it go, also is there a sign that a marriage can develop into it too? |
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By *abluesbabyMan
over a year ago
Gibraltar/Cheshire/London |
You can indeed escape one. I'm living proof and it was the best thing for me (and ultimately my ex) to be away from her. She tried every "trick" to thwart it as she wanted the control sadly. But I had to get away and it was the best outcome. |
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I did that, 7 years ago.
It wasn’t easy, as an immigrant, with two disabled kids and no income, no family or friends but I did that and I’m glad I did, before it was too late.
For everyone in similar situation, there is support available and doors are open, so is my inbox.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m sure you can but it must be very difficult! A good friend of mine escaped, not married but together 12 years. The strength and bravery it takes is on a completely different scale though. I never realised til I saw someone personally go through it.
Mr |
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
It's not easy, far from easy. But it is possible and there may be scars after. Some have paid with their lives. The analogy of the slow boiled frog is good. Very often a person doesn't realise they're trapped until it's too late too walk away easily.
Coercive control is only recently become and offence across the UK & NI. It's not a easy charge to convict on but hopefully the courts and police will get up to speed on it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You might need to explain a little more about Eastenders in order to ensure that we get the full context.
I think if you start from the beginning, 1985, I believe we find Arthur Fowler, Ali Osman and Den Watts forcing their way into Reg Cox's flat and there is poor old Reg near death.
Da da da da da, de da. Da da da da da, da da da, de da da...
Take it from there Shag.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You might need to explain a little more about Eastenders in order to ensure that we get the full context.
I think if you start from the beginning, 1985, I believe we find Arthur Fowler, Ali Osman and Den Watts forcing their way into Reg Cox's flat and there is poor old Reg near death.
Da da da da da, de da. Da da da da da, da da da, de da da...
Take it from there Shag...."
Two words.
Christmas club money. |
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Yes you can, I did, but the thing is when you’re in it you don’t realise ( well I didn’t anyway ) just how toxic it is, feelings etc come into play, you question your own mental state thinking am I mental or am I just being told this, I knew the relationship wasn’t good but it’s only when I’d got out and “ free “ that I realised just how bad it was and how much I was gaslighted.
The mr |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
Must be very difficult for a woman if they are dependant, have kids and the guy is abusive emotionally.
I have a friend and each time she tries to leave the prick he cries like a baby and threatens to kill himself and she ends up feeling sorry for him and staying. |
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Yes it is possible…..I recently pulled the plug on a 25yr marriage as we were in a downward spiral, not necessary extreme toxic but getting there and I relented and kept trying and it just hasn’t worked. Living arrangements aren’t ideal but we are more civilised not being tied so it can be done.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It can be hard to for lots of reasons but it can be done and there are places that will give a woman a place to go, with her kids if needed. Lots of support around.
Though look up the 'boiling frog syndrome' and abusive relationships.
(Also why my profile states I don't want anyone that would make me their frog)
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By *oot toyMan
over a year ago
Portchester |
You can escape….I had to do just that. Ok, so in my case, as a guy, the problem was with her, she was a complete narcissist, fortunately I was able to live with a friend for a while…..during which time I retrieved all my bits and pieces, then I found somewhere else to live. The hard bit was….emotionally…..getting her out of my head. And it took a while…..but I got there. However, after that particular experience, I went and got involved with someone who was exactly the same…..got out of that one as well. It does make me wonder if it’s me that’s the problem. I don’t know the answer there. What I do know, is that after everything I’m not planning on getting involved again…… |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes you can, I did, but the thing is when you’re in it you don’t realise ( well I didn’t anyway ) just how toxic it is, feelings etc come into play, you question your own mental state thinking am I mental or am I just being told this, I knew the relationship wasn’t good but it’s only when I’d got out and “ free “ that I realised just how bad it was and how much I was gaslighted.
The mr "
I've been through exactly the same. I even began questioning myself. Really messed with me. Probably why I'm on here and not in another relationship tbh. |
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By * and BCouple
over a year ago
Durham |
"The question comes as I am watching eastenders, have you also seen it?
Basically, suki is living with her husband nish and suki is having a secret forbidden romance with another woman who is called eve.
They want to live together suki and eve, but suki feels that she cant leave nish and every time that she tries to do it, something comes up and stops her leaving her husband for eve.
Suki even called the police on her husband on a shady deal that he was doing behind her back, so she could get the chance to leave him.
As she tried to leave one time she ended up in the hospital, but later the police came and arrested him, he wasnt happy about it as he found out that it was his wife suki who reported him.
What is your view about it, can you escape a toxic marriage and have you tried to do it and how did it go, also is there a sign that a marriage can develop into it too?"
You are mixing up an awful soap to reality, one of the reasons society has lost track of respect, watching negativity all the time WILL rub off. Real life is what you make of it. Be positive, leave drama behind. Not sure most people want a drama free life these days  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"It can be hard to for lots of reasons but it can be done and there are places that will give a woman a place to go, with her kids if needed. Lots of support around.
Though look up the 'boiling frog syndrome' and abusive relationships.
(Also why my profile states I don't want anyone that would make me their frog)
"
I'd not heard of the boiling frog syndrome before, thank you for sharing that.  |
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
"Yes you can. You just leave. In the UK there is support. If you are experiencing domestic violence and have kids then take them and go. "
Yes, you are right there too as you just have to leave.
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Fleeing is easier said than done.
There are refuges around for woman, but resource there are very limited, but its a safe place. Not herd of any for gents, which is such a shame.
You do get help with completing out forms to claim benefits, if you are unable to work. But it takes a while before benefits kick in. Where does the rent for the refuge come from and the food until the benefits kick in.
Sometimes you are put in a refuge miles from home, if with kids, you need to source schools, the kids give up their friends, emotional heartache, as the kids might be missing their dad. Pets, they cant br taken. These are just a few things to consider.
Fleeing is the best thing you will ever do but until that day of freedom hits you, it's a hard
struggle and many many tears will be shed by all.
Those who fled are survivors
???? |
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"Fleeing is easier said than done.
There are refuges around for woman, but resource there are very limited, but its a safe place. Not herd of any for gents, which is such a shame.
You do get help with completing out forms to claim benefits, if you are unable to work. But it takes a while before benefits kick in. Where does the rent for the refuge come from and the food until the benefits kick in.
Sometimes you are put in a refuge miles from home, if with kids, you need to source schools, the kids give up their friends, emotional heartache, as the kids might be missing their dad. Pets, they cant br taken. These are just a few things to consider.
Fleeing is the best thing you will ever do but until that day of freedom hits you, it's a hard
struggle and many many tears will be shed by all.
Those who fled are survivors
????"
meant yo be hearts
 |
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
"I did that, 7 years ago.
It wasn’t easy, as an immigrant, with two disabled kids and no income, no family or friends but I did that and I’m glad I did, before it was too late.
For everyone in similar situation, there is support available and doors are open, so is my inbox.
"
That is good you did it and yes, it is not easy to do |
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By *bw44DDWoman
over a year ago
Nottingham |
Yes you can.
It’s extremely difficult and for a long time it’ll feel like you’ve done the wrong thing and made the worst mistake but in time you’ll realise it was the best thing you ever did and you’ll feel so proud that you had the courage to stand up and walk away when every fibre of your being is telling you to stay |
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
"It can be hard to for lots of reasons but it can be done and there are places that will give a woman a place to go, with her kids if needed. Lots of support around.
Though look up the 'boiling frog syndrome' and abusive relationships.
(Also why my profile states I don't want anyone that would make me their frog)
"
You are right there, it can be hard. I will look up that syndrome and as you say, having a lot of support helps too |
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
"Must be very difficult for a woman if they are dependant, have kids and the guy is abusive emotionally.
I have a friend and each time she tries to leave the prick he cries like a baby and threatens to kill himself and she ends up feeling sorry for him and staying. "
Yes, it must be very difficult, especially if they are dependent too. |
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"The question comes as I am watching eastenders, have you also seen it?
Basically, suki is living with her husband nish and suki is having a secret forbidden romance with another woman who is called eve.
They want to live together suki and eve, but suki feels that she cant leave nish and every time that she tries to do it, something comes up and stops her leaving her husband for eve.
Suki even called the police on her husband on a shady deal that he was doing behind her back, so she could get the chance to leave him.
As she tried to leave one time she ended up in the hospital, but later the police came and arrested him, he wasnt happy about it as he found out that it was his wife suki who reported him.
What is your view about it, can you escape a toxic marriage and have you tried to do it and how did it go, also is there a sign that a marriage can develop into it too?"
Someone watches Eastenders?
I,m sure there's a BBC helpline. |
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
"Fleeing is easier said than done.
There are refuges around for woman, but resource there are very limited, but its a safe place. Not herd of any for gents, which is such a shame.
You do get help with completing out forms to claim benefits, if you are unable to work. But it takes a while before benefits kick in. Where does the rent for the refuge come from and the food until the benefits kick in.
Sometimes you are put in a refuge miles from home, if with kids, you need to source schools, the kids give up their friends, emotional heartache, as the kids might be missing their dad. Pets, they cant br taken. These are just a few things to consider.
Fleeing is the best thing you will ever do but until that day of freedom hits you, it's a hard
struggle and many many tears will be shed by all.
Those who fled are survivors
???? meant yo be hearts
"
Yes, you are right there, as fleeing is easier said than done. I also agree that they are the survivors as well as they can start over without them. |
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
"Fleeing is easier said than done.
There are refuges around for woman, but resource there are very limited, but its a safe place. Not herd of any for gents, which is such a shame.
You do get help with completing out forms to claim benefits, if you are unable to work. But it takes a while before benefits kick in. Where does the rent for the refuge come from and the food until the benefits kick in.
Sometimes you are put in a refuge miles from home, if with kids, you need to source schools, the kids give up their friends, emotional heartache, as the kids might be missing their dad. Pets, they cant br taken. These are just a few things to consider.
Fleeing is the best thing you will ever do but until that day of freedom hits you, it's a hard
struggle and many many tears will be shed by all.
Those who fled are survivors
???? meant yo be hearts
Yes, you are right there, as fleeing is easier said than done. I also agree that they are the survivors as well as they can start over without them. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You can and I did after 21 years. I stayed 18 years longer than I should have
It was a comment about how I made his cup of tea that was the catalyst to finding the strength to leave "
I don't like tea, so I would have had to leave if you had kept making me one  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Yes you can.
Men and women regularly have to do it, and though seldom easy, well worth it. All toxic relationships, marital or otherwise, should always be ended. |
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By *lexV16Man
over a year ago
Welling |
"The question comes as I am watching eastenders, have you also seen it?
Basically, suki is living with her husband nish and suki is having a secret forbidden romance with another woman who is called eve.
They want to live together suki and eve, but suki feels that she cant leave nish and every time that she tries to do it, something comes up and stops her leaving her husband for eve.
Suki even called the police on her husband on a shady deal that he was doing behind her back, so she could get the chance to leave him.
As she tried to leave one time she ended up in the hospital, but later the police came and arrested him, he wasnt happy about it as he found out that it was his wife suki who reported him.
What is your view about it, can you escape a toxic marriage and have you tried to do it and how did it go, also is there a sign that a marriage can develop into it too?"
Yes you can. Get professional help if can’t handle on your own.
I got divorced even though my marriage want toxic it just stoped working. Can’t see why some stays |
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Yes you can. You report him, leave and then the system lets him wondering around for a year until the court hearing, if you're lucky to get one, and the only protection they can actually offer you is to put you and your children in a refugee hostel, where you and your children will basically be isolated from the world until he is eventually incarcerated.
Yes, you can apply for a non-mol3station order etc, but abusers don't give a sh$t about these, they just want revenge and to harm you. So yeah all is sooo easy peasy
There's still a lot to be done when it comes to abusers/domestic violence |
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"Sure you can. Sometimes it just takes a couple of tries though . "
It takes on average 7 attempts before someone leaves a toxic relationship.
I am so happy to be out of mine. I only wish I had done it much sooner. |
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By *EAT..85Woman
over a year ago
Nottingham |
"Sure you can. Sometimes it just takes a couple of tries though .
It takes on average 7 attempts before someone leaves a toxic relationship.
I am so happy to be out of mine. I only wish I had done it much sooner. "
7. That's a depressing number.
Mine was third try lucky and only because he'd found someone else. |
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"Sure you can. Sometimes it just takes a couple of tries though .
It takes on average 7 attempts before someone leaves a toxic relationship.
I am so happy to be out of mine. I only wish I had done it much sooner.
7. That's a depressing number.
Mine was third try lucky and only because he'd found someone else. "
I was a three as well. Remember 7 is the average, there will be many 10+.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I left an abusive relationship, and it was the best thing I have ever done. It hasn't been easy and there are still occasions (rarer these days, thank goodness) where I am still afraid of his reaction to certain things. We have contact as we share 2 children.
There are refuges for men and women and women with families.
If anyone would benefit from some advice or signposting for support, drop me a DM.
Her |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I left an abusive relationship, and it was the best thing I have ever done.
* It hasn't been easy and there are still occasions (rarer these days, thank goodness) where I am still afraid of his reaction to certain things. We have contact as we share 2 children. *
There are refuges for men and women and women with families.
If anyone would benefit from some advice or signposting for support, drop me a DM.
Her"
* This is what I meant when asked what 'escape' means.
It doesn't always end when a person leaves the relationship/ shared home.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Must be very difficult for a woman if they are dependant, have kids and the guy is abusive emotionally.
I have a friend and each time she tries to leave the prick he cries like a baby and threatens to kill himself and she ends up feeling sorry for him and staying. "
She should still go..in that situation it's like snakes & ladders...you're nearly out and then you find yourself back at the start again ...l know it isn't one bit easy ..but it's still better than the alternative. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The question comes as I am watching eastenders, have you also seen it?
Basically, suki is living with her husband nish and suki is having a secret forbidden romance with another woman who is called eve.
They want to live together suki and eve, but suki feels that she cant leave nish and every time that she tries to do it, something comes up and stops her leaving her husband for eve.
Suki even called the police on her husband on a shady deal that he was doing behind her back, so she could get the chance to leave him.
As she tried to leave one time she ended up in the hospital, but later the police came and arrested him, he wasnt happy about it as he found out that it was his wife suki who reported him.
What is your view about it, can you escape a toxic marriage and have you tried to do it and how did it go, also is there a sign that a marriage can develop into it too?
Yes you can. Get professional help if can’t handle on your own.
I got divorced even though my marriage want toxic it just stoped working. Can’t see why some stays "
I wonder if you've read through the rest of the responses? Because asking why people stay does ignore the complicated reasons why people stay. For example if there is abuse in a relationship, it's very likely to get worse if the abused partner says they're leaving. So many people say "why didn't she leave?" and it smacks of victim-blaming I'm afraid. |
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"The question comes as I am watching eastenders, have you also seen it?
Basically, suki is living with her husband nish and suki is having a secret forbidden romance with another woman who is called eve.
They want to live together suki and eve, but suki feels that she cant leave nish and every time that she tries to do it, something comes up and stops her leaving her husband for eve.
Suki even called the police on her husband on a shady deal that he was doing behind her back, so she could get the chance to leave him.
As she tried to leave one time she ended up in the hospital, but later the police came and arrested him, he wasnt happy about it as he found out that it was his wife suki who reported him.
What is your view about it, can you escape a toxic marriage and have you tried to do it and how did it go, also is there a sign that a marriage can develop into it too?
Yes you can. Get professional help if can’t handle on your own.
I got divorced even though my marriage want toxic it just stoped working. Can’t see why some stays
I wonder if you've read through the rest of the responses? Because asking why people stay does ignore the complicated reasons why people stay. For example if there is abuse in a relationship, it's very likely to get worse if the abused partner says they're leaving. So many people say "why didn't she leave?" and it smacks of victim-blaming I'm afraid. "
it does smack of victim blaming but I think out of convenience as much as anything. Its very difficult without firsthand experience to understand the thinking process of someone trapped in an abusive relationship. Don't think for a second I'm trying to justify anyone saying this. Saying 'why don't they just leave' is pretty tone deaf and shows a lack of awareness. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The question comes as I am watching eastenders, have you also seen it?
Basically, suki is living with her husband nish and suki is having a secret forbidden romance with another woman who is called eve.
They want to live together suki and eve, but suki feels that she cant leave nish and every time that she tries to do it, something comes up and stops her leaving her husband for eve.
Suki even called the police on her husband on a shady deal that he was doing behind her back, so she could get the chance to leave him.
As she tried to leave one time she ended up in the hospital, but later the police came and arrested him, he wasnt happy about it as he found out that it was his wife suki who reported him.
What is your view about it, can you escape a toxic marriage and have you tried to do it and how did it go, also is there a sign that a marriage can develop into it too?
Yes you can. Get professional help if can’t handle on your own.
I got divorced even though my marriage want toxic it just stoped working. Can’t see why some stays
I wonder if you've read through the rest of the responses? Because asking why people stay does ignore the complicated reasons why people stay. For example if there is abuse in a relationship, it's very likely to get worse if the abused partner says they're leaving. So many people say "why didn't she leave?" and it smacks of victim-blaming I'm afraid.
it does smack of victim blaming but I think out of convenience as much as anything. Its very difficult without firsthand experience to understand the thinking process of someone trapped in an abusive relationship. Don't think for a second I'm trying to justify anyone saying this. Saying 'why don't they just leave' is pretty tone deaf and shows a lack of awareness."
I know many people don't have much awareness of why individuals don't leave. Or understand just how coercive control works (boiling frog as mentioned). I dismiss the effects myself at times, and I've experienced coercive control.
I struggled for many years to leave because he told me how much it would harm the kids, because I'd never find anyone else, because we couldn't afford to split up, because he loved me and wanted to keep trying. It all sounds...pathetic written down. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You can and I did after 21 years. I stayed 18 years longer than I should have
It was a comment about how I made his cup of tea that was the catalyst to finding the strength to leave "
was it not yorkshire i can definitely tell when some one tries to fob me off with a tetlys |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The question comes as I am watching eastenders, have you also seen it?
Basically, suki is living with her husband nish and suki is having a secret forbidden romance with another woman who is called eve.
They want to live together suki and eve, but suki feels that she cant leave nish and every time that she tries to do it, something comes up and stops her leaving her husband for eve.
Suki even called the police on her husband on a shady deal that he was doing behind her back, so she could get the chance to leave him.
As she tried to leave one time she ended up in the hospital, but later the police came and arrested him, he wasnt happy about it as he found out that it was his wife suki who reported him.
What is your view about it, can you escape a toxic marriage and have you tried to do it and how did it go, also is there a sign that a marriage can develop into it too?
Yes you can. Get professional help if can’t handle on your own.
I got divorced even though my marriage want toxic it just stoped working. Can’t see why some stays
I wonder if you've read through the rest of the responses? Because asking why people stay does ignore the complicated reasons why people stay. For example if there is abuse in a relationship, it's very likely to get worse if the abused partner says they're leaving. So many people say "why didn't she leave?" and it smacks of victim-blaming I'm afraid.
it does smack of victim blaming but I think out of convenience as much as anything. Its very difficult without firsthand experience to understand the thinking process of someone trapped in an abusive relationship. Don't think for a second I'm trying to justify anyone saying this. Saying 'why don't they just leave' is pretty tone deaf and shows a lack of awareness.
I know many people don't have much awareness of why individuals don't leave. Or understand just how coercive control works (boiling frog as mentioned). I dismiss the effects myself at times, and I've experienced coercive control.
I struggled for many years to leave because he told me how much it would harm the kids, because I'd never find anyone else, because we couldn't afford to split up, because he loved me and wanted to keep trying. It all sounds...pathetic written down. "
No it doesn't. Xx |
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By *lexV16Man
over a year ago
Welling |
"
it does smack of victim blaming but I think out of convenience as much as anything. Its very difficult without firsthand experience to understand the thinking process of someone trapped in an abusive relationship. Don't think for a second I'm trying to justify anyone saying this. Saying 'why don't they just leave' is pretty tone deaf and shows a lack of awareness.
I know many people don't have much awareness of why individuals don't leave. Or understand just how coercive control works (boiling frog as mentioned). I dismiss the effects myself at times, and I've experienced coercive control.
I struggled for many years to leave because he told me how much it would harm the kids, because I'd never find anyone else, because we couldn't afford to split up, because he loved me and wanted to keep trying. It all sounds...pathetic written down. "
My point was everyone can leave. Some (majority on toxic marriage) needs help. I’d suggest try once, if you can’t - look for help. I feel really sorry for all these going or went through few cycles. I have few friends I still can’t convince atleast to go for professional counselling or advise |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes you can escape physically but mentally the feelings can take time to heal and if you have to have contact with that person ie if children are the s wounds can easily be opened back up. |
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"The question comes as I am watching eastenders, have you also seen it?
Basically, suki is living with her husband nish and suki is having a secret forbidden romance with another woman who is called eve.
They want to live together suki and eve, but suki feels that she cant leave nish and every time that she tries to do it, something comes up and stops her leaving her husband for eve.
Suki even called the police on her husband on a shady deal that he was doing behind her back, so she could get the chance to leave him.
As she tried to leave one time she ended up in the hospital, but later the police came and arrested him, he wasnt happy about it as he found out that it was his wife suki who reported him.
What is your view about it, can you escape a toxic marriage and have you tried to do it and how did it go, also is there a sign that a marriage can develop into it too?
Yes you can. Get professional help if can’t handle on your own.
I got divorced even though my marriage want toxic it just stoped working. Can’t see why some stays
I wonder if you've read through the rest of the responses? Because asking why people stay does ignore the complicated reasons why people stay. For example if there is abuse in a relationship, it's very likely to get worse if the abused partner says they're leaving. So many people say "why didn't she leave?" and it smacks of victim-blaming I'm afraid.
it does smack of victim blaming but I think out of convenience as much as anything. Its very difficult without firsthand experience to understand the thinking process of someone trapped in an abusive relationship. Don't think for a second I'm trying to justify anyone saying this. Saying 'why don't they just leave' is pretty tone deaf and shows a lack of awareness.
I know many people don't have much awareness of why individuals don't leave. Or understand just how coercive control works (boiling frog as mentioned). I dismiss the effects myself at times, and I've experienced coercive control.
I struggled for many years to leave because he told me how much it would harm the kids, because I'd never find anyone else, because we couldn't afford to split up, because he loved me and wanted to keep trying. It all sounds...pathetic written down. "
It doesn't pathetic at all. Sometimes it takes time and distance to be given the chance to see things. When you're in the middle of it, it's nigh impossible to see it.
I know someone trapped in a marriage that's coercive. Her prison is a comfortable one but still a prison. She has been told multiple times by me and professionals her husband is coercive and controlling. One minute she'll admit it, next she will shoot the messenger. Until she decides to do something, she's a prisoner. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
it does smack of victim blaming but I think out of convenience as much as anything. Its very difficult without firsthand experience to understand the thinking process of someone trapped in an abusive relationship. Don't think for a second I'm trying to justify anyone saying this. Saying 'why don't they just leave' is pretty tone deaf and shows a lack of awareness.
I know many people don't have much awareness of why individuals don't leave. Or understand just how coercive control works (boiling frog as mentioned). I dismiss the effects myself at times, and I've experienced coercive control.
I struggled for many years to leave because he told me how much it would harm the kids, because I'd never find anyone else, because we couldn't afford to split up, because he loved me and wanted to keep trying. It all sounds...pathetic written down.
My point was everyone can leave. Some (majority on toxic marriage) needs help. I’d suggest try once, if you can’t - look for help. I feel really sorry for all these going or went through few cycles. I have few friends I still can’t convince atleast to go for professional counselling or advise "
I guess for many people, it can take many years to even recognise that they're in a toxic relationship. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Yes you can. Get professional help if can’t handle on your own.
I got divorced even though my marriage want toxic it just stoped working. Can’t see why some stays
I wonder if you've read through the rest of the responses? Because asking why people stay does ignore the complicated reasons why people stay. For example if there is abuse in a relationship, it's very likely to get worse if the abused partner says they're leaving. So many people say "why didn't she leave?" and it smacks of victim-blaming I'm afraid.
it does smack of victim blaming but I think out of convenience as much as anything. Its very difficult without firsthand experience to understand the thinking process of someone trapped in an abusive relationship. Don't think for a second I'm trying to justify anyone saying this. Saying 'why don't they just leave' is pretty tone deaf and shows a lack of awareness.
I know many people don't have much awareness of why individuals don't leave. Or understand just how coercive control works (boiling frog as mentioned). I dismiss the effects myself at times, and I've experienced coercive control.
I struggled for many years to leave because he told me how much it would harm the kids, because I'd never find anyone else, because we couldn't afford to split up, because he loved me and wanted to keep trying. It all sounds...pathetic written down.
It doesn't pathetic at all. Sometimes it takes time and distance to be given the chance to see things. When you're in the middle of it, it's nigh impossible to see it.
I know someone trapped in a marriage that's coercive. Her prison is a comfortable one but still a prison. She has been told multiple times by me and professionals her husband is coercive and controlling. One minute she'll admit it, next she will shoot the messenger. Until she decides to do something, she's a prisoner. "
It's extraordinary how persuasive it is as a strategy. Even years later, it's very difficult for me to see how it was past the fog he created. I hope your friend will be able to see past it all soon. |
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
"Not at all easy to escape no! But I did many moons ago from my first marriage! Was horrendous! But I came out the other side! X"
You are right there, it is not easy, that is good that you managed to do it x |
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By *ornycougaWoman
over a year ago
Wherever I lay my hat |
"Yes you can, I did, but the thing is when you’re in it you don’t realise ( well I didn’t anyway ) just how toxic it is, feelings etc come into play, you question your own mental state thinking am I mental or am I just being told this, I knew the relationship wasn’t good but it’s only when I’d got out and “ free “ that I realised just how bad it was and how much I was gaslighted.
The mr "
This is exactly my experience. I didn't even realised I was being gaslighted until I left. The toxicity had become so normal - and because he told me it was all in my head or my doing. So yes you can escape. Repairing the damage and learning to trust again isn't easy tho. |
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By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Dorchester |
Nope don't watch TV much and certainly not eastenders its not a true reflection in the life of a londoner but escaping a toxic or unhappy marriage is down to the people involved its difficult but if you have the motivation easy  |
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