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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Probably the wrong site to be asking but heck I could do with a laugh.
So I’m a full time carer for both parents at the moment, my mum is riddled with fibro and arthritis, for the most part it’s a regular day. The other one is a massive alcoholic to the point I’m having to pick him off the floor most nights.
I don’t get much free time and the few times I do I’m constantly checking my phone incase something has happened.
Just wondered if anyone else has similar issues or problems to being a full time carer |
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I'm not a full time cared but helped care for my mum for about ten years until she died last year and now my dad.
It's hard.
I don't know how old your parents are but can you get help? Are they entitled to attendance allowance or any help from social services?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm not a full time cared but helped care for my mum for about ten years until she died last year and now my dad.
It's hard.
I don't know how old your parents are but can you get help? Are they entitled to attendance allowance or any help from social services?
"
I’m already on carers allowance for caring for my mum as I have to live in the same house, I hope things aren’t too hard on yourself having to do it for a second time |
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You may already know but your local authority is legally required to provide support for carers. There should be a local service, it's usually run by a charity funded by the council. They tend to offer counselling, respite, support groups.
You should be able to Google it. If you want some help DM me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I worked in care for ten years then cared for my nan who had Alzheimer’s.
Pleeeeeeease contact your local council or gp and ask for social services referral, they’ll give you a care package to suit all three of you and ensure you get regular breaks while your parents are looked after
Ps, you’re a legend  |
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By *pYaMan
over a year ago
Ready… |
Totally agree with others, ask for help, there is no shame in asking and you may be surprised how much help is available.
It will give you some time to yourself back so you can look after yourself a little too. |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
I moved in with my mum in 2015 with my two small children as my step-dad passed away in 2012 and her health just declined after that - she worked and worked and didn’t look after herself. Her mobility was poor then (it’s much, much worse now!). She is still independent in the washing/dressing sense, for now, but she has various serious health issues.
Have a chat with local Social Services about it all, maybe getting a care package to help support you/your mum. Whether that be in the form of helping with getting washed/dressed in the mornings or social calls to give you a little break. They can also look into respite care (if you are both willing) where she goes into a home for a week or so to give you, the carer, a little extended break.
You have to look after yourself to be able to carry on looking after your mum, it can be emotionally draining and tough going as well as physically hard. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm a step removed as it's my mum that's the carer for my dad. It's hard watching him decline and she at her wits end some days. All I can say is there is help out there but it's locating it and jumping through hoops on occasion to get it.
Talk to your GP and social services and don't take no for an answer. Keep a diary of specific issues/events so you have the details to hand when speaking to people about the situation.
Try to get to any local groups where carers have the opportunity to meet up. Other people in similar positions can provide a lot of information and support x |
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"I'm not a full time cared but helped care for my mum for about ten years until she died last year and now my dad.
It's hard.
I don't know how old your parents are but can you get help? Are they entitled to attendance allowance or any help from social services?
I’m already on carers allowance for caring for my mum as I have to live in the same house, I hope things aren’t too hard on yourself having to do it for a second time"
Thank you. I'm lucky I have my husband to support me and importantly to tell me when to step back.
People expect that carers will be on duty 24/7 with no complaints, reward or respite. They'll tell them what a great job they're doing and how marvelous they are but they won't offer help and if you complain about your situation they'll tell you that they would just be grateful their parents were still alive and they would do anything for family. This leaves the carer with nowhere to go and no support.
If you feel able contact adult social services and one of the help lines for carers. Also look in to possibly finding somewhere close by to live so you can get some respite every day. You're young and what you're doing is admirable and saving the country a lot of money. Trust me though unless you make it known you'll be overlooked. You need to be at your best to care for other people.
Do you have siblings?
Cared for people can become selfish I'm not saying your mum is but check that you're not doing things for her that she could do for herself. Is your dad in danger on the floor? What would happen if you didn't pick him up? Are you enabling him (with the best of intentions) to continue drinking until he passes out because he knows you'll pick him up?
Good luck to you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Okay firstly thanks for all the positive messages I genuinely wasn’t expecting it and wasn’t aiming for it either, we’ve looked at professional social workers (we being my mum and me) and we already know they wouldn’t last long as the other parent would have them sent away really quickly as he refuses to admit to the problems and the alcohol addiction. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm not a full time cared but helped care for my mum for about ten years until she died last year and now my dad.
It's hard.
I don't know how old your parents are but can you get help? Are they entitled to attendance allowance or any help from social services?
I’m already on carers allowance for caring for my mum as I have to live in the same house, I hope things aren’t too hard on yourself having to do it for a second time
Thank you. I'm lucky I have my husband to support me and importantly to tell me when to step back.
People expect that carers will be on duty 24/7 with no complaints, reward or respite. They'll tell them what a great job they're doing and how marvelous they are but they won't offer help and if you complain about your situation they'll tell you that they would just be grateful their parents were still alive and they would do anything for family. This leaves the carer with nowhere to go and no support.
If you feel able contact adult social services and one of the help lines for carers. Also look in to possibly finding somewhere close by to live so you can get some respite every day. You're young and what you're doing is admirable and saving the country a lot of money. Trust me though unless you make it known you'll be overlooked. You need to be at your best to care for other people.
Do you have siblings?
Cared for people can become selfish I'm not saying your mum is but check that you're not doing things for her that she could do for herself. Is your dad in danger on the floor? What would happen if you didn't pick him up? Are you enabling him (with the best of intentions) to continue drinking until he passes out because he knows you'll pick him up?
Good luck to you"
I’ll try and respond to this as much as I can. So my mum can still do things and we’ve both agreed that where she can still be independent then I take a step back unless I’m needed.
On the other hand the other parent (if you haven’t guessed we don’t have the best of family relationships) is more problematic, if I don’t pick him up he’s more likely to cause further damage trying to pick himself up, I guess in a way we do enable a bit because if we don’t buy the alcohol that risks him trying to walk to the local shop daily to buy more, we try to make sure he’s not drinking too much but he has a habit of secret drinking when nobody is in the room. He was recently told by doctors to stop drinking after being diagnosed with early altziemers and having several mini strokes but as I said if we stop buying the alcohol he finds other means of getting, I have poured several full bottles down the sink hoping that would help but he just went out and bought more the next day. As an example I did the food shop with my mum around 11am this morning and coming close to midday when we got back he’d already d*unk his first can, he’d been awake maybe an hour. |
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"I'm a step removed as it's my mum that's the carer for my dad. It's hard watching him decline and she at her wits end some days. All I can say is there is help out there but it's locating it and jumping through hoops on occasion to get it.
Talk to your GP and social services and don't take no for an answer. Keep a diary of specific issues/events so you have the details to hand when speaking to people about the situation.
Try to get to any local groups where carers have the opportunity to meet up. Other people in similar positions can provide a lot of information and support x"
It's well saying "don't take no for an answer" but I have asked for help from social services for my Dad, who has dementia and is getting steadily worse. I am a wheelchair user and so have my own difficulties yet I have had my Dad discharged into my sole care from hospital after a procedure requiring sedation but with zero assistance from anyone to get him to the car safely. Porters refused to go beyond the main door of the hospital but the car park is across a road and a short walk away.
When he fell and broke his neck last year, A&E tried to just put him in a hospital bus to send him home, despite evident lack of capacity to consent to discharge and being totally unable to remember what had happened to him and trying to take off the collar. Apparently I was supposed to look after him on my own, at his non wheelchair accessible house with stairs, whilst also being responsible for a 6yo and working FT. My response was to take his house keys away, to lock the door to the house and fucked off. I had to effectively barricade the house to stop them just bringing him home. He languished "bed blocking" in hospital for 8wks because no intermediate care bed could be found. All SS did for the entire time was call me, reminding me Dad was bed blocking and could I please take him home because he had capacity blah blah. This is despite him being under DoLS order in the hospital. Eventually, he was discharged with a twice daily care package, which I was assured would continue until such time as we thought he was okay. It was ended by SS, via telephone consultation with my DAD (not me) after 2 weeks. No further support has been forthcoming.
His GP sends me texts and emails but offers zero practical help. My Dad is helped day to day by his neighbours and the staff at the restaurant next door, who encourage him to eat and tell me immediately about anything concerning. Dad lives an hour plus drive away and apart from my brother (who helps occasionally), that's it. No other family.
OP, I take my metaphorical hat off to you  |
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"I'm a step removed as it's my mum that's the carer for my dad. It's hard watching him decline and she at her wits end some days. All I can say is there is help out there but it's locating it and jumping through hoops on occasion to get it.
Talk to your GP and social services and don't take no for an answer. Keep a diary of specific issues/events so you have the details to hand when speaking to people about the situation.
Try to get to any local groups where carers have the opportunity to meet up. Other people in similar positions can provide a lot of information and support x
It's well saying "don't take no for an answer" but I have asked for help from social services for my Dad, who has dementia and is getting steadily worse. I am a wheelchair user and so have my own difficulties yet I have had my Dad discharged into my sole care from hospital after a procedure requiring sedation but with zero assistance from anyone to get him to the car safely. Porters refused to go beyond the main door of the hospital but the car park is across a road and a short walk away.
When he fell and broke his neck last year, A&E tried to just put him in a hospital bus to send him home, despite evident lack of capacity to consent to discharge and being totally unable to remember what had happened to him and trying to take off the collar. Apparently I was supposed to look after him on my own, at his non wheelchair accessible house with stairs, whilst also being responsible for a 6yo and working FT. My response was to take his house keys away, to lock the door to the house and fucked off. I had to effectively barricade the house to stop them just bringing him home. He languished "bed blocking" in hospital for 8wks because no intermediate care bed could be found. All SS did for the entire time was call me, reminding me Dad was bed blocking and could I please take him home because he had capacity blah blah. This is despite him being under DoLS order in the hospital. Eventually, he was discharged with a twice daily care package, which I was assured would continue until such time as we thought he was okay. It was ended by SS, via telephone consultation with my DAD (not me) after 2 weeks. No further support has been forthcoming.
His GP sends me texts and emails but offers zero practical help. My Dad is helped day to day by his neighbours and the staff at the restaurant next door, who encourage him to eat and tell me immediately about anything concerning. Dad lives an hour plus drive away and apart from my brother (who helps occasionally), that's it. No other family.
OP, I take my metaphorical hat off to you "
 I could add my own experiences to this but it would just be more of the same. Hence my post up thread. Everyone tells you to insist on what you're entitled to but they have no idea how exhausting it is and how guilty you feel. |
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"I'm not a full time cared but helped care for my mum for about ten years until she died last year and now my dad.
It's hard.
I don't know how old your parents are but can you get help? Are they entitled to attendance allowance or any help from social services?
I’m already on carers allowance for caring for my mum as I have to live in the same house, I hope things aren’t too hard on yourself having to do it for a second time
Thank you. I'm lucky I have my husband to support me and importantly to tell me when to step back.
People expect that carers will be on duty 24/7 with no complaints, reward or respite. They'll tell them what a great job they're doing and how marvelous they are but they won't offer help and if you complain about your situation they'll tell you that they would just be grateful their parents were still alive and they would do anything for family. This leaves the carer with nowhere to go and no support.
If you feel able contact adult social services and one of the help lines for carers. Also look in to possibly finding somewhere close by to live so you can get some respite every day. You're young and what you're doing is admirable and saving the country a lot of money. Trust me though unless you make it known you'll be overlooked. You need to be at your best to care for other people.
Do you have siblings?
Cared for people can become selfish I'm not saying your mum is but check that you're not doing things for her that she could do for herself. Is your dad in danger on the floor? What would happen if you didn't pick him up? Are you enabling him (with the best of intentions) to continue drinking until he passes out because he knows you'll pick him up?
Good luck to you
I’ll try and respond to this as much as I can. So my mum can still do things and we’ve both agreed that where she can still be independent then I take a step back unless I’m needed.
On the other hand the other parent (if you haven’t guessed we don’t have the best of family relationships) is more problematic, if I don’t pick him up he’s more likely to cause further damage trying to pick himself up, I guess in a way we do enable a bit because if we don’t buy the alcohol that risks him trying to walk to the local shop daily to buy more, we try to make sure he’s not drinking too much but he has a habit of secret drinking when nobody is in the room. He was recently told by doctors to stop drinking after being diagnosed with early altziemers and having several mini strokes but as I said if we stop buying the alcohol he finds other means of getting, I have poured several full bottles down the sink hoping that would help but he just went out and bought more the next day. As an example I did the food shop with my mum around 11am this morning and coming close to midday when we got back he’d already d*unk his first can, he’d been awake maybe an hour. "
I'm glad your mum is as independent as possible  .
A close relative of mine, *not my mum* was an alcoholic (passed away from alcohol related issues last year). I contacted Al Anon who helped me see things from a different perspective, if you haven't already I suggest you speak to them they're very supportive.
As Mrs KC says hats off to you. Keep talking to people who understand the reality and why you need to get it off your chest, they're few and far between. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm not a full time cared but helped care for my mum for about ten years until she died last year and now my dad.
It's hard.
I don't know how old your parents are but can you get help? Are they entitled to attendance allowance or any help from social services?
I’m already on carers allowance for caring for my mum as I have to live in the same house, I hope things aren’t too hard on yourself having to do it for a second time
Thank you. I'm lucky I have my husband to support me and importantly to tell me when to step back.
People expect that carers will be on duty 24/7 with no complaints, reward or respite. They'll tell them what a great job they're doing and how marvelous they are but they won't offer help and if you complain about your situation they'll tell you that they would just be grateful their parents were still alive and they would do anything for family. This leaves the carer with nowhere to go and no support.
If you feel able contact adult social services and one of the help lines for carers. Also look in to possibly finding somewhere close by to live so you can get some respite every day. You're young and what you're doing is admirable and saving the country a lot of money. Trust me though unless you make it known you'll be overlooked. You need to be at your best to care for other people.
Do you have siblings?
Cared for people can become selfish I'm not saying your mum is but check that you're not doing things for her that she could do for herself. Is your dad in danger on the floor? What would happen if you didn't pick him up? Are you enabling him (with the best of intentions) to continue drinking until he passes out because he knows you'll pick him up?
Good luck to you
I’ll try and respond to this as much as I can. So my mum can still do things and we’ve both agreed that where she can still be independent then I take a step back unless I’m needed.
On the other hand the other parent (if you haven’t guessed we don’t have the best of family relationships) is more problematic, if I don’t pick him up he’s more likely to cause further damage trying to pick himself up, I guess in a way we do enable a bit because if we don’t buy the alcohol that risks him trying to walk to the local shop daily to buy more, we try to make sure he’s not drinking too much but he has a habit of secret drinking when nobody is in the room. He was recently told by doctors to stop drinking after being diagnosed with early altziemers and having several mini strokes but as I said if we stop buying the alcohol he finds other means of getting, I have poured several full bottles down the sink hoping that would help but he just went out and bought more the next day. As an example I did the food shop with my mum around 11am this morning and coming close to midday when we got back he’d already d*unk his first can, he’d been awake maybe an hour.
I'm glad your mum is as independent as possible .
A close relative of mine, *not my mum* was an alcoholic (passed away from alcohol related issues last year). I contacted Al Anon who helped me see things from a different perspective, if you haven't already I suggest you speak to them they're very supportive.
As Mrs KC says hats off to you. Keep talking to people who understand the reality and why you need to get it off your chest, they're few and far between. "
Coincidentally I’m a trained drugs and alcohol councillor and I’m the one person he won’t listen to when it comes to knowing what’s happening. It’s not so much getting things off my chest but hearing other stories to find ways of dealing with certain moments. |
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