 |
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices. |
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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices."
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices."
Brother I really don’t know what to say or even advise. If was my old man I would in a heart beat give him the dough. But I don’t know ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out! "
It’s his dad for Heavens sake |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake"
I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake"
I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it."
Do you love your dad? |
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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake"
Being in debt more often than not is down to choices made. Don't confuse my stance on this with a lack of empathy- I'd happily fill up someone's fridge so they weren't going to go hungry, but debts of that magnitude need to be dealt with by holding your hands up & sorting out your own solution. 15k is a huge sum & paying this off for someone doesn't necessarily help them in the long run. |
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Realistically, OP, only you can answer this one because only you know the details of your relationship and respective finances.
However, given the estrangement, how hard you have worked to live a fruitful life and be debt free, and that he has made poor choices, I’d be inclined to leave him to sort them out.
That being said, how far does that distance extend? Will it stop you reconciling? Do you want to reconcile? What will happen to him? ie will it get worse and worse until he is destitute and you feel guilty?
Cocktail of emotions and possible ramifications. Good luck! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?"
Not sure how that’s relevant? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant? "
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family? |
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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?"
And when that family take advantage of those blood ties...what then?? |
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?"
Maybe. But at some point relationships, particularly those with family become voluntary.
Family isn't always a good thing, we like to think it is but sometimes it can be toxic |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Maybe. But at some point relationships, particularly those with family become voluntary.
Family isn't always a good thing, we like to think it is but sometimes it can be toxic"
Somewhat clinical but I get your drift. I view from my a perspective? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?"
Imo we need to normalise being patented by our parents and not parenting them. |
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"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Imo we need to normalise being patented by our parents and not parenting them. "
Or at least recognising that love shouldn't go so far that you lose self respect |
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Maybe. But at some point relationships, particularly those with family become voluntary.
Family isn't always a good thing, we like to think it is but sometimes it can be toxic
Somewhat clinical but I get your drift. I view from my a perspective?"
I realise it sounds cold, but like every relationship you have to weigh up whether it's a good or bad thing in your life. Nobody has the ability to fuck you up like family. I'm not saying it's all bad. But when it is, recognise what your options are.
Staying in any abusive relationship isn't good for you. |
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"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices."
The wisest thing my dad taught me was only lend money you can afford to not have back. Being in debt and being in poverty are 2 totally separate things.
As are helping someone or doing it for them.
This one is up to you OP but don’t feel guilty either way.  |
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"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?"
Obviously you have never had members of your family shit on you and destroy your mental health.
Note: Not all my family. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Imo we need to normalise being patented by our parents and not parenting them.
Or at least recognising that love shouldn't go so far that you lose self respect "
Love hath no boundaries nor contempt
But a legion on which effort will be spent
To rectify those wrongs that are not of heart or desire
But from a burning desire |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices."
There are organisations that can help with this. Maybe just be a supportive son in this and ensure he gets the correct help and that he also understands it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Obviously you have never had members of your family shit on you and destroy your mental health.
Note: Not all my family. "
Nope I can’t say I have. There have been times when I have wanted to shoot a few family members in the knee caps but family is everything in my opinion? |
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From my experience, with not my parents, some people just don't know how to manage their money. They may get into that situation just because they don't really know how to manage it.
I don't know if that is the case or not, but sometimes what may seem like not caring, or just taking advantage may not be it.
If you haven't done it before, sit down help him look through his expenses and help him make a plan, teach him to save some money.
This may seem very simple to a lot of us, but there's still another lot that have no clue about it.
I helped a couple with 5k a few years back, under the condition they would let me look through their expenses and make a plan for them to pay it back. That was all that was needed. |
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"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Imo we need to normalise being patented by our parents and not parenting them.
Or at least recognising that love shouldn't go so far that you lose self respect
Love hath no boundaries nor contempt
But a legion on which effort will be spent
To rectify those wrongs that are not of heart or desire
But from a burning desire "
You've obviously had better family relationships than some other people in this thread.
My first duty is to me and to keep myself whole. My inner circle - which may or may not include my family - come second, a distant second, if they do not impinge upon my ability to keep myself whole. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"No no no no no!! His debt, his problem!
Part of me is skeptical as to why his partner shared that with you, was it to guilt you into helping again? "
she just wants to have an easy life. Apparently he gets angry with her. |
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Obviously the responses on this thread are only based upon what limited details the OP has given. There's probably more to this than meets the eye...
Do you have siblings that could also help and share the burden, what about his partner - perhaps the debts are 'hers' (speculation), is he quite elderly and therefore unable to manage the concept of money? Is he in debt because of poor lifestyle choices (e.g. gambling etc) or perhaps his own money has eroded due to medical bills... ...
Only you can truly answer this.
Your mental health and wellbeing is paramount.
I can't help veer towards a "no" answer. |
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"No no no no no!! His debt, his problem!
Part of me is skeptical as to why his partner shared that with you, was it to guilt you into helping again? she just wants to have an easy life. Apparently he gets angry with her."
I would not intrude on their relationship problems |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"From my experience, with not my parents, some people just don't know how to manage their money. They may get into that situation just because they don't really know how to manage it.
I don't know if that is the case or not, but sometimes what may seem like not caring, or just taking advantage may not be it.
If you haven't done it before, sit down help him look through his expenses and help him make a plan, teach him to save some money.
This may seem very simple to a lot of us, but there's still another lot that have no clue about it.
I helped a couple with 5k a few years back, under the condition they would let me look through their expenses and make a plan for them to pay it back. That was all that was needed."
Are you an accountant with a soul? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
" she just wants to have an easy life. Apparently he gets angry with her.
Why does she stay with him ?"
both lonely they don't know anyone where they live. They moved to the are because they brought a caravan. |
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"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
The wisest thing my dad taught me was only lend money you can afford to not have back. Being in debt and being in poverty are 2 totally separate things.
As are helping someone or doing it for them.
This one is up to you OP but don’t feel guilty either way. "
Your dad sounds like a legend. There's great advice here.
It seems quite mercenary to consider inheritance, but it is there and it could be a clue to why your dad's partner mentioned it to you, but equally, if you are likely to inherit his assets, could be a shrewd investment. |
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"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
The wisest thing my dad taught me was only lend money you can afford to not have back. Being in debt and being in poverty are 2 totally separate things.
As are helping someone or doing it for them.
This one is up to you OP but don’t feel guilty either way.
Your dad sounds like a legend. There's great advice here.
It seems quite mercenary to consider inheritance, but it is there and it could be a clue to why your dad's partner mentioned it to you, but equally, if you are likely to inherit his assets, could be a shrewd investment. "
He really was darling. I miss him. A lot  |
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"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
The wisest thing my dad taught me was only lend money you can afford to not have back. Being in debt and being in poverty are 2 totally separate things.
As are helping someone or doing it for them.
This one is up to you OP but don’t feel guilty either way.
Your dad sounds like a legend. There's great advice here.
It seems quite mercenary to consider inheritance, but it is there and it could be a clue to why your dad's partner mentioned it to you, but equally, if you are likely to inherit his assets, could be a shrewd investment.
He really was darling. I miss him. A lot "
Me too, mine not yours though xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Imo we need to normalise being patented by our parents and not parenting them.
Or at least recognising that love shouldn't go so far that you lose self respect
Love hath no boundaries nor contempt
But a legion on which effort will be spent
To rectify those wrongs that are not of heart or desire
But from a burning desire
You've obviously had better family relationships than some other people in this thread.
My first duty is to me and to keep myself whole. My inner circle - which may or may not include my family - come second, a distant second, if they do not impinge upon my ability to keep myself whole."
This is getting far too deep and I cannot comment on your experiences nor would I be so presumptuous to do so.
The op has said his old man may need a sub as he has a problem with a cash flow problem. My comments are based on the fact that if I was in that predicament with the old fella I would sort it. Then Give a wide lecture on being responsible and take him for a pint of Holts bitter ( his favourite) bug I can’t as he resides in the ethereal soup.
In a roundabout way I am saying that family is everything if you have problems then sort it if the problems are beyond repair then move on.
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
The wisest thing my dad taught me was only lend money you can afford to not have back. Being in debt and being in poverty are 2 totally separate things.
As are helping someone or doing it for them.
This one is up to you OP but don’t feel guilty either way.
Your dad sounds like a legend. There's great advice here.
It seems quite mercenary to consider inheritance, but it is there and it could be a clue to why your dad's partner mentioned it to you, but equally, if you are likely to inherit his assets, could be a shrewd investment. "
that's a big if |
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"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Imo we need to normalise being patented by our parents and not parenting them.
Or at least recognising that love shouldn't go so far that you lose self respect
Love hath no boundaries nor contempt
But a legion on which effort will be spent
To rectify those wrongs that are not of heart or desire
But from a burning desire
You've obviously had better family relationships than some other people in this thread.
My first duty is to me and to keep myself whole. My inner circle - which may or may not include my family - come second, a distant second, if they do not impinge upon my ability to keep myself whole.
This is getting far too deep and I cannot comment on your experiences nor would I be so presumptuous to do so.
The op has said his old man may need a sub as he has a problem with a cash flow problem. My comments are based on the fact that if I was in that predicament with the old fella I would sort it. Then Give a wide lecture on being responsible and take him for a pint of Holts bitter ( his favourite) bug I can’t as he resides in the ethereal soup.
In a roundabout way I am saying that family is everything if you have problems then sort it if the problems are beyond repair then move on.
"
So the fact that they've been estranged and he's lent his dad money in the past...?
I think a cordial relationship with family, where possible, is better than none. |
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"
The op has said his old man may need a sub as he has a problem with a cash flow problem. My comments are based on the fact that if I was in that predicament with the old fella I would sort it.
"
I think a cash flow problem and his partner asking for £15k are a bit different |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Imo we need to normalise being patented by our parents and not parenting them.
Or at least recognising that love shouldn't go so far that you lose self respect
Love hath no boundaries nor contempt
But a legion on which effort will be spent
To rectify those wrongs that are not of heart or desire
But from a burning desire
You've obviously had better family relationships than some other people in this thread.
My first duty is to me and to keep myself whole. My inner circle - which may or may not include my family - come second, a distant second, if they do not impinge upon my ability to keep myself whole.
This is getting far too deep and I cannot comment on your experiences nor would I be so presumptuous to do so.
The op has said his old man may need a sub as he has a problem with a cash flow problem. My comments are based on the fact that if I was in that predicament with the old fella I would sort it. Then Give a wide lecture on being responsible and take him for a pint of Holts bitter ( his favourite) bug I can’t as he resides in the ethereal soup.
In a roundabout way I am saying that family is everything if you have problems then sort it if the problems are beyond repair then move on.
So the fact that they've been estranged and he's lent his dad money in the past...?
I think a cordial relationship with family, where possible, is better than none."
And why are we even commenting on an intimate family issue on a recreational sex site? |
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
I'm just reflecting what you said OP. You had issues getting your finance under control and so has your dad. It's not the first time for your dad and you weren't repaid for smaller amounts. You don't have a close relationship with him
You have posted an number of times about becoming debt free.
If you help your dad, will this mean you going back into debt?
If you do help your dad, then recognise that it's unlikely you'll be repaid if past experience is any indicator |
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"It’s his dad for Heavens sake
I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it."
But do you really want to live such an 'if you scratch my back...' sort of life? You might, which is fine, but worth asking if you are that person. |
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If your father raises the subject help him seek advice from a debt charity. One person going in to debt to get another out of it seems illogical to me but helping someone sort their debt out preferable.
I haven't read it all but if he hasn't asked you directly for help and advice maybe leave it be |
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"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Imo we need to normalise being patented by our parents and not parenting them.
Or at least recognising that love shouldn't go so far that you lose self respect
Love hath no boundaries nor contempt
But a legion on which effort will be spent
To rectify those wrongs that are not of heart or desire
But from a burning desire
You've obviously had better family relationships than some other people in this thread.
My first duty is to me and to keep myself whole. My inner circle - which may or may not include my family - come second, a distant second, if they do not impinge upon my ability to keep myself whole.
This is getting far too deep and I cannot comment on your experiences nor would I be so presumptuous to do so.
The op has said his old man may need a sub as he has a problem with a cash flow problem. My comments are based on the fact that if I was in that predicament with the old fella I would sort it. Then Give a wide lecture on being responsible and take him for a pint of Holts bitter ( his favourite) bug I can’t as he resides in the ethereal soup.
In a roundabout way I am saying that family is everything if you have problems then sort it if the problems are beyond repair then move on.
So the fact that they've been estranged and he's lent his dad money in the past...?
I think a cordial relationship with family, where possible, is better than none.
And why are we even commenting on an intimate family issue on a recreational sex site?"
Because the OP brought it up. Much weirder things have been discussed here. |
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"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Obviously you have never had members of your family shit on you and destroy your mental health.
Note: Not all my family.
Nope I can’t say I have. There have been times when I have wanted to shoot a few family members in the knee caps but family is everything in my opinion?"
The members of my chosen family are everything. However I didn't choose my blood relatives, and they don't get an unconditional pass just because they're blood. |
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"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
There are organisations that can help with this. Maybe just be a supportive son in this and ensure he gets the correct help and that he also understands it. "
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Honestly I don't think there is a question here, if you need to ask then you've probably already made the decision not to help but want justification that's the right thing to do. I can't tell you that but what I can say is do whatever you feel is right.
Sometimes people can use help as a weapon and go on a power trip dangling it infront of someone. Its not about being worthy of help or mistakes they've made in the past. It's about two people in the present moment and if one can lend a helping hand then great, if not that's your choice too.
I don't like this attitude of people have made their own beds, let them lie in it. Actually it's not that simple. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices."
Only you can make that decision. Me personally, if I could I would help my parents out no matter what, they've been there for me for 40years.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Would I?! Personally, yes, because I do things out of the goodness of my heart, irrelevant of what the person has done but I’m just like that.
Only you can make that choice though
Mrs
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
This is a really tough one! Me and my dad are really close and he’s helped me out as much as I’ve helped him out. So I would without hesitation but if I was in your situation I’d feel like I’m being taken advantage of if it’s not the first time.
It all depends what you WANT to do and not what you feel you should do or feel duty bound to do
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
" she just wants to have an easy life. Apparently he gets angry with her.
Why does she stay with him ?"
both lonely they don't know anyone where they live. They moved to the are because they brought a caravan. |
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Presumably, OP told the parent/partner that he was all paid up and fine and dandy.
If so, big mistake. I don't even tell people I've won £25 on the Premium Bonds for fear of a loan request. They almost always have a knack of transforming from a loan to a write off, anyway.
Serial overspenders are usually not just good at parting with money themselves but also good at making you feel that you should be embarrassed at having any contingency balance for your rainy day. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices."
Help him with debt advice. Don't tell him you are debt free and don't give him any money. |
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Personally, I would be looking at ways to help him sort out his own situation. So often debt problems are at their worst when they are ignored, and there are many ways of making the situation better without having to pay off the debt yourself.
Cal |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I wouldn’t personally give him the money but there are ways that can help him out …. Maybe look up debt advice and show him what he and he’s partner can do to help themselves….. if you give him the money it will put you back into debt and they will prob keep asking for more and if it’s through poor choice they may do the same again in the future |
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By *929Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
If he hasn’t paid back in the past give him nothing. People with those type of spending habits never ever change or learn if he asks for help tell him to do the same as you did, work save and do without to get himself debt free. |
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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Imo we need to normalise being patented by our parents and not parenting them.
Or at least recognising that love shouldn't go so far that you lose self respect
Love hath no boundaries nor contempt
But a legion on which effort will be spent
To rectify those wrongs that are not of heart or desire
But from a burning desire "
Sorry, but this sanctimonious response is completely void of any understanding of toxic family relationships. The people who can hurt you the worst in this world are those who you share blood with. Just being family is not enough of a reason to put yourself in financial hardship. I don't know enough about the OPs situation, but it definitely sounds like he is being preyed upon to rectify their poor choices.
Those willing to use blood ties to their own advantage are not the sort of family I would put myself out for. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Honestly having been there with a partner to the tune of £20k, I totally understand. I also helped a friend in crisis who lived with me rent/bill free and i paid for food etc for around a year.
What i learned from those experiences is that people who make poor choices or live extravagantly, continue to make the same decisions whether their slate is clean or overdrawn. Neither made any effort to repay or even just acknowledge my kindness.
Having said that if my family asked me for money and i had it, i would give it to them, but i don't think i would take a loan to put myself in debt. |
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Imo we need to normalise being patented by our parents and not parenting them.
Or at least recognising that love shouldn't go so far that you lose self respect
Love hath no boundaries nor contempt
But a legion on which effort will be spent
To rectify those wrongs that are not of heart or desire
But from a burning desire
Sorry, but this sanctimonious response is completely void of any understanding of toxic family relationships. The people who can hurt you the worst in this world are those who you share blood with. Just being family is not enough of a reason to put yourself in financial hardship. I don't know enough about the OPs situation, but it definitely sounds like he is being preyed upon to rectify their poor choices.
Those willing to use blood ties to their own advantage are not the sort of family I would put myself out for."
family members may well manipulate but sometimes it's the sense of obligation that can be hardest to deal with. |
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"No no no no no!! His debt, his problem!
Part of me is skeptical as to why his partner shared that with you, was it to guilt you into helping again? she just wants to have an easy life. Apparently he gets angry with her."
So why would she put up with that?
He doesn't sound good with money, so how long would he actually be debt free before running it up again?
I would just point him in the direction of some help. |
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"No no no no no!! His debt, his problem!
Part of me is skeptical as to why his partner shared that with you, was it to guilt you into helping again? she just wants to have an easy life. Apparently he gets angry with her.
I would not intrude on their relationship problems "
Totally agree with Swing on this one, their relationship issues are a them problem not a you problem. Know this must be such a difficult dilemma for you to be faced with though but you’ll make the right decision for you at the end of the day. |
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By *.L.0460.Woman
over a year ago
Bognor Regis |
"Hey sexy people I need some serious advice. As you may know I have worked my arse to become mortgage and debt free. I visited my dad and still in the area with him and his partner. Now he didn't know about what I have done as we have barely spoken for years and building bridges. His partner told me that my dad is in 15k debt. I ha e hped him out in the past and he has never paid it back bit nothing to this extent. Question is do I help him and and put myself back. His debts are through poor choices.
Absobloodylutely not!!
Let him declare bankruptcy & sort his own shit out!
It’s his dad for Heavens sake I can understand but he never once helped me when I needed it.
Do you love your dad?
Not sure how that’s relevant?
Is not the root of our being the love we have for others especially our family?
Imo we need to normalise being patented by our parents and not parenting them.
Or at least recognising that love shouldn't go so far that you lose self respect
Love hath no boundaries nor contempt
But a legion on which effort will be spent
To rectify those wrongs that are not of heart or desire
But from a burning desire
Sorry, but this sanctimonious response is completely void of any understanding of toxic family relationships. The people who can hurt you the worst in this world are those who you share blood with. Just being family is not enough of a reason to put yourself in financial hardship. I don't know enough about the OPs situation, but it definitely sounds like he is being preyed upon to rectify their poor choices.
Those willing to use blood ties to their own advantage are not the sort of family I would put myself out for.
family members may well manipulate but sometimes it's the sense of obligation that can be hardest to deal with."
Yep, and those doing the begging/ manipulating know that very well  |
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