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Invisible Backpacks
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A bit of a philosophical post. Sorry, not sorry..
We all carry around an invisible bag full of stuff we are dealing with, most of the time no one knows what's in it.
It could be an argument, it could be illness, it might be sadness, stress, frustration, guilt, anger, it might be memories or heartbreak. It might even be good things too like joy or pride or excitement.
We carry it around and it's constantly being added to or emptied by those we encounter or experiences we have.
No one ever sees it or knows what's it in but it has an effect on everything we do and how we respond to things going on around us.
This last week my bag has weighed me down in ways I've never experienced before. I almost feel like I've had to justify feeling a bit miserable. Mostly because I'm always the one who just gets on with stuff. Mostly because I'm always trying to find the bright side. Mostly because I get frustrated with myself!
However sometimes we need to put our invisible bag down and stop apologising for it to others. Our feelings are no less valid than anyone else's.
It's OK not to be ok gets flung around so much but often some of us feel like it's absolutely not OK because so many others rely on us? Because it makes those around us feel uncomfortable? Or because we just don't know what to do when that exterior starts to crack.
There's an awful lot of toxic positivity from people who just always expect you to be resilient. I mean how dare you feel sad when others have it much worse. I think many of us even tell ourselves that.
Being resilient is exhausting and sometimes it might be nice not to need to be.
The truth is we all crack anyway and if we don't put down our invisible bags of feelings and just feel them, the cracks become too much.
I'm not looking for sympathy or the usual you'll be fine type comments, I'm saying this because it's important to remember to check in on your "strong" friends and to also check in on how much you are carrying around too.
Its a reminder that no one knows what others have in their bags so it's a reminder to be just a little bit kinder, and to reach out if your backpack is getting too heavy to carry.
So as we go in to a new week please think about your invisible backpack. Try to set down what you don't need and try to top it up with kindness, love, laughter and moments that make you feel good.
Happy Monday x |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
Oh Wyld.
Yes, it's something I'm trying to practise being more aware of with everyone, regardless of whether I'm friends with them or not. Actually more so if I'm not good friends with someone, which sounds a bit daft written down but... I don't know.
I don't want to add hurt to someone's backpack. And sometimes I'll read a post or (if away from Fab) hear a comment and it hits me - this person is already having a difficult time, why would I add to it?
That moment is enough for me to stop. Step away. Try and show that person some kindness.
I think because I had a truly awful month a couple of months ago and was expected to carry on. Being positive, being told 'Oh Meli you're so resilient' when actually inside I was really hurting and scared. There was only a couple of friends really close to me who knew. Who got it.
So, yes. I'm learning to step away or handle a situation with kindness. I'm not great at it but I'm learning and getting better.
I'm also learning that sometimes people will carry your backpack for you for a bit. No questions asked. I love those people fiercely.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A bit of a philosophical post. Sorry, not sorry..
We all carry around an invisible bag full of stuff we are dealing with, most of the time no one knows what's in it.
It could be an argument, it could be illness, it might be sadness, stress, frustration, guilt, anger, it might be memories or heartbreak. It might even be good things too like joy or pride or excitement.
We carry it around and it's constantly being added to or emptied by those we encounter or experiences we have.
No one ever sees it or knows what's it in but it has an effect on everything we do and how we respond to things going on around us.
This last week my bag has weighed me down in ways I've never experienced before. I almost feel like I've had to justify feeling a bit miserable. Mostly because I'm always the one who just gets on with stuff. Mostly because I'm always trying to find the bright side. Mostly because I get frustrated with myself!
However sometimes we need to put our invisible bag down and stop apologising for it to others. Our feelings are no less valid than anyone else's.
It's OK not to be ok gets flung around so much but often some of us feel like it's absolutely not OK because so many others rely on us? Because it makes those around us feel uncomfortable? Or because we just don't know what to do when that exterior starts to crack.
There's an awful lot of toxic positivity from people who just always expect you to be resilient. I mean how dare you feel sad when others have it much worse. I think many of us even tell ourselves that.
Being resilient is exhausting and sometimes it might be nice not to need to be.
The truth is we all crack anyway and if we don't put down our invisible bags of feelings and just feel them, the cracks become too much.
I'm not looking for sympathy or the usual you'll be fine type comments, I'm saying this because it's important to remember to check in on your "strong" friends and to also check in on how much you are carrying around too.
Its a reminder that no one knows what others have in their bags so it's a reminder to be just a little bit kinder, and to reach out if your backpack is getting too heavy to carry.
So as we go in to a new week please think about your invisible backpack. Try to set down what you don't need and try to top it up with kindness, love, laughter and moments that make you feel good.
Happy Monday x"
Thank you for this xxx |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
I think it’s also important to find a way to hack & take things out.
For me it’s photography and jewellery making as I can’t draw or write. No one knows what my work really represents but me, but when it’s completed, out there , on a persons skin or a wall or even a post in a group , it’s finally dealt with & free!
Bread making too ! It’s so therapeutic  |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
Beautiful words as always MsWyld
There is currently a lot in my backpack but I'm in the process of trying to deal with some of it a bit at a time. But this can be upsetting and draining.
I actually think I'm my own toxic positivty, always just getting on with things and never sharing the weight. Ignoring my backpack to help friends unravel theirs as that I find is much easier.
But we move. One day at a time. One step at a time. Sometimes just one moment at a time |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hey MsWyld
You’re right and it’s good to put that pack down, it’s good to talk too and help empty some of it as well.
I like heading into the hills walking when I feel weighed down, but I’ve also a mate I can talk to when I need it.
Great words and I hope this eeek you feel so much better |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Never has a forum post resonated so much with me! I have had my struggles through the years and was always the “strong one” etc! They way you have worded that is absolutely perfect!
Thank you MsWyld ?? |
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'stay strong'
Echoes in my mind when memories cascade and I have to ground myself.
They aren't words of comfort or guidance. They are the words I have to battle against. The words that soothe me are the words given to me 24 years ago. Round the back of Lodge Lane community centre in Toxteth by a girl of 19. With eyes so wild they looked straight into your soul:
'you can't kid a kidda... Kidda.'
The prettiest face I ever saw in my life, her faded scars, too old to be on someone so young. Chomping cockily on her strawberry Hubba bubba and blowing bubbles. She reached out to me, with her hand, scarred by a knife where someone she should have been able to trust, had pinned it to a door. Touched my cheek tenderly and as my eyes closed I heard the bubble pop, felt her raise up on her toes and kiss me softly. My whole body just relaxed; my head dropped onto her shoulder and she held me. Then said 'Fuck it just feel how you feel.'
I wept like a widow, as she soothed me like I was her child.
We sat off on the brow until the sun set. I emptied my backpack in front of her. And she did the same. In fact we did that for quite a while. So long so we painted her front room in shades of pink and christened it the womb room. We sat off there through the highs and lows for what turned into years.
I learnt that love is what heals and the backpack... It's not separate to you, no matter how much you wish it to be, it's part of you. And somehow, accepting that makes the load lighter. Like a runner whose found their rhythm. You start working with yourself not against.
People avoid the real through toxic positivity and veil it with compassion. When really what's needed is a reminder that it is ok to be fallible because that's fucking human.
So yeah in her honour OP. 'Is right kidda.' |
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I feel you, OP.
Giving ourselves permission to feel the feelings rather than just ploughing on is tough. Especially when you're the one other people are relying on.
I think it's possible to do both. I watched my daughter in a difficult situation the other day. Thought she was going to crumble. Then she started saying to herself, over and over, "If I take my time, I can do it. If I take my time, I can do it. If I take my time, I can do it." And she did it.
I try not to tell myself everything is OK when it's not. On the tough days I just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Acknowledging the challenge and adjusting to it.
Thank you for sharing. I used to do a lot more of that around here. You've inspired me today.
Mrs TMN x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A bit of a philosophical post. Sorry, not sorry..
We all carry around an invisible bag full of stuff we are dealing with, most of the time no one knows what's in it.
It could be an argument, it could be illness, it might be sadness, stress, frustration, guilt, anger, it might be memories or heartbreak. It might even be good things too like joy or pride or excitement.
We carry it around and it's constantly being added to or emptied by those we encounter or experiences we have.
No one ever sees it or knows what's it in but it has an effect on everything we do and how we respond to things going on around us.
This last week my bag has weighed me down in ways I've never experienced before. I almost feel like I've had to justify feeling a bit miserable. Mostly because I'm always the one who just gets on with stuff. Mostly because I'm always trying to find the bright side. Mostly because I get frustrated with myself!
However sometimes we need to put our invisible bag down and stop apologising for it to others. Our feelings are no less valid than anyone else's.
It's OK not to be ok gets flung around so much but often some of us feel like it's absolutely not OK because so many others rely on us? Because it makes those around us feel uncomfortable? Or because we just don't know what to do when that exterior starts to crack.
There's an awful lot of toxic positivity from people who just always expect you to be resilient. I mean how dare you feel sad when others have it much worse. I think many of us even tell ourselves that.
Being resilient is exhausting and sometimes it might be nice not to need to be.
The truth is we all crack anyway and if we don't put down our invisible bags of feelings and just feel them, the cracks become too much.
I'm not looking for sympathy or the usual you'll be fine type comments, I'm saying this because it's important to remember to check in on your "strong" friends and to also check in on how much you are carrying around too.
Its a reminder that no one knows what others have in their bags so it's a reminder to be just a little bit kinder, and to reach out if your backpack is getting too heavy to carry.
So as we go in to a new week please think about your invisible backpack. Try to set down what you don't need and try to top it up with kindness, love, laughter and moments that make you feel good.
Happy Monday x"
I don't have one not because I don't have problems but because when I do I set time aside to deal wth them one at a time and meditate on them until they go away. |
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"A bit of a philosophical post. Sorry, not sorry..
We all carry around an invisible bag full of stuff we are dealing with, most of the time no one knows what's in it.
It could be an argument, it could be illness, it might be sadness, stress, frustration, guilt, anger, it might be memories or heartbreak. It might even be good things too like joy or pride or excitement.
We carry it around and it's constantly being added to or emptied by those we encounter or experiences we have.
No one ever sees it or knows what's it in but it has an effect on everything we do and how we respond to things going on around us.
This last week my bag has weighed me down in ways I've never experienced before. I almost feel like I've had to justify feeling a bit miserable. Mostly because I'm always the one who just gets on with stuff. Mostly because I'm always trying to find the bright side. Mostly because I get frustrated with myself!
However sometimes we need to put our invisible bag down and stop apologising for it to others. Our feelings are no less valid than anyone else's.
It's OK not to be ok gets flung around so much but often some of us feel like it's absolutely not OK because so many others rely on us? Because it makes those around us feel uncomfortable? Or because we just don't know what to do when that exterior starts to crack.
There's an awful lot of toxic positivity from people who just always expect you to be resilient. I mean how dare you feel sad when others have it much worse. I think many of us even tell ourselves that.
Being resilient is exhausting and sometimes it might be nice not to need to be.
The truth is we all crack anyway and if we don't put down our invisible bags of feelings and just feel them, the cracks become too much.
I'm not looking for sympathy or the usual you'll be fine type comments, I'm saying this because it's important to remember to check in on your "strong" friends and to also check in on how much you are carrying around too.
Its a reminder that no one knows what others have in their bags so it's a reminder to be just a little bit kinder, and to reach out if your backpack is getting too heavy to carry.
So as we go in to a new week please think about your invisible backpack. Try to set down what you don't need and try to top it up with kindness, love, laughter and moments that make you feel good.
Happy Monday x"
There certainly are some things you can unpack, while there will always be things you can't and you have to learn to carry it in a different way. In this regard life is learning to let go of somethings, and carrying somethings better.
And while we might want to be vulnerable , it can be a double edged sword. So while we can be screaming out for a chance to be vulnerable, we can be terrified of doing so. |
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Thanks for this post OP The invisible backpack combined with the mental load can be unbearable sometimes. The heaviest part of the invisible backpack is the secret compartments - the bits you just can't share so you carry them around all the time. Sometimes you can forget they're there for a little while though.
J |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"'stay strong'
Echoes in my mind when memories cascade and I have to ground myself.
They aren't words of comfort or guidance. They are the words I have to battle against. The words that soothe me are the words given to me 24 years ago. Round the back of Lodge Lane community centre in Toxteth by a girl of 19. With eyes so wild they looked straight into your soul:
'you can't kid a kidda... Kidda.'
The prettiest face I ever saw in my life, her faded scars, too old to be on someone so young. Chomping cockily on her strawberry Hubba bubba and blowing bubbles. She reached out to me, with her hand, scarred by a knife where someone she should have been able to trust, had pinned it to a door. Touched my cheek tenderly and as my eyes closed I heard the bubble pop, felt her raise up on her toes and kiss me softly. My whole body just relaxed; my head dropped onto her shoulder and she held me. Then said 'Fuck it just feel how you feel.'
I wept like a widow, as she soothed me like I was her child.
We sat off on the brow until the sun set. I emptied my backpack in front of her. And she did the same. In fact we did that for quite a while. So long so we painted her front room in shades of pink and christened it the womb room. We sat off there through the highs and lows for what turned into years.
I learnt that love is what heals and the backpack... It's not separate to you, no matter how much you wish it to be, it's part of you. And somehow, accepting that makes the load lighter. Like a runner whose found their rhythm. You start working with yourself not against.
People avoid the real through toxic positivity and veil it with compassion. When really what's needed is a reminder that it is ok to be fallible because that's fucking human.
So yeah in her honour OP. 'Is right kidda.'"
I wish that I could frame this and show it to people in my life that are struggling.
It’s very true that toxic positivity is a barrier, it’s also true that releasing that pain is something that needs to come in time, when the person is ready.
I hope that everyone finds that support when they need it |
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"'stay strong'
Echoes in my mind when memories cascade and I have to ground myself.
They aren't words of comfort or guidance. They are the words I have to battle against. The words that soothe me are the words given to me 24 years ago. Round the back of Lodge Lane community centre in Toxteth by a girl of 19. With eyes so wild they looked straight into your soul:
'you can't kid a kidda... Kidda.'
The prettiest face I ever saw in my life, her faded scars, too old to be on someone so young. Chomping cockily on her strawberry Hubba bubba and blowing bubbles. She reached out to me, with her hand, scarred by a knife where someone she should have been able to trust, had pinned it to a door. Touched my cheek tenderly and as my eyes closed I heard the bubble pop, felt her raise up on her toes and kiss me softly. My whole body just relaxed; my head dropped onto her shoulder and she held me. Then said 'Fuck it just feel how you feel.'
I wept like a widow, as she soothed me like I was her child.
We sat off on the brow until the sun set. I emptied my backpack in front of her. And she did the same. In fact we did that for quite a while. So long so we painted her front room in shades of pink and christened it the womb room. We sat off there through the highs and lows for what turned into years.
I learnt that love is what heals and the backpack... It's not separate to you, no matter how much you wish it to be, it's part of you. And somehow, accepting that makes the load lighter. Like a runner whose found their rhythm. You start working with yourself not against.
People avoid the real through toxic positivity and veil it with compassion. When really what's needed is a reminder that it is ok to be fallible because that's fucking human.
So yeah in her honour OP. 'Is right kidda.'
I wish that I could frame this and show it to people in my life that are struggling.
It’s very true that toxic positivity is a barrier, it’s also true that releasing that pain is something that needs to come in time, when the person is ready.
I hope that everyone finds that support when they need it"
Thank you. I agree and sometimes that timing has such a sense of synchronicity it can feel almost as if it was fated.
I hope so too all I can do is be there when they are ready. |
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By *avinaTVTV/TS
over a year ago
Transsexual Transylvania |
"A bit of a philosophical post. Sorry, not sorry..
We all carry around an invisible bag full of stuff we are dealing with, most of the time no one knows what's in it.
It could be an argument, it could be illness, it might be sadness, stress, frustration, guilt, anger, it might be memories or heartbreak. It might even be good things too like joy or pride or excitement.
We carry it around and it's constantly being added to or emptied by those we encounter or experiences we have.
No one ever sees it or knows what's it in but it has an effect on everything we do and how we respond to things going on around us.
This last week my bag has weighed me down in ways I've never experienced before. I almost feel like I've had to justify feeling a bit miserable. Mostly because I'm always the one who just gets on with stuff. Mostly because I'm always trying to find the bright side. Mostly because I get frustrated with myself!
However sometimes we need to put our invisible bag down and stop apologising for it to others. Our feelings are no less valid than anyone else's.
It's OK not to be ok gets flung around so much but often some of us feel like it's absolutely not OK because so many others rely on us? Because it makes those around us feel uncomfortable? Or because we just don't know what to do when that exterior starts to crack.
There's an awful lot of toxic positivity from people who just always expect you to be resilient. I mean how dare you feel sad when others have it much worse. I think many of us even tell ourselves that.
Being resilient is exhausting and sometimes it might be nice not to need to be.
The truth is we all crack anyway and if we don't put down our invisible bags of feelings and just feel them, the cracks become too much.
I'm not looking for sympathy or the usual you'll be fine type comments, I'm saying this because it's important to remember to check in on your "strong" friends and to also check in on how much you are carrying around too.
Its a reminder that no one knows what others have in their bags so it's a reminder to be just a little bit kinder, and to reach out if your backpack is getting too heavy to carry.
So as we go in to a new week please think about your invisible backpack. Try to set down what you don't need and try to top it up with kindness, love, laughter and moments that make you feel good.
Happy Monday x"
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Other people's pain is uncomfortable whether physical or emotional. You see it when a small child hurts themself and an adult scoops them up with "you're ok!" But they're not ok, they're in pain. If you as an adult, can't handle them feeling bad then how the hell are they supposed to.
Sorry OP, it's slightly off topic but something I feel really strongly about.
J
PS, if you feel personally attacked and spot that you are an "You're ok"-er, try reframing with an "Are you ok?" |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
"Other people's pain is uncomfortable whether physical or emotional. You see it when a small child hurts themself and an adult scoops them up with "you're ok!" But they're not ok, they're in pain. If you as an adult, can't handle them feeling bad then how the hell are they supposed to.
Sorry OP, it's slightly off topic but something I feel really strongly about.
J
PS, if you feel personally attacked and spot that you are an "You're ok"-er, try reframing with an "Are you ok?" "
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"Other people's pain is uncomfortable whether physical or emotional. You see it when a small child hurts themself and an adult scoops them up with "you're ok!" But they're not ok, they're in pain. If you as an adult, can't handle them feeling bad then how the hell are they supposed to.
Sorry OP, it's slightly off topic but something I feel really strongly about.
J
PS, if you feel personally attacked and spot that you are an "You're ok"-er, try reframing with an "Are you ok?" "
I don't think that's off topic at all - it's only relatively recently I've become aware of my own tendency to be a rescuer, rather than sitting with the uncomfortable emotions. Trying very hard to allow myself that grace as well as others. I think it's hardest for me when it's my own children.
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"it's important to remember to check in on your "strong" friends and to also check in on how much you are carrying around too"
This is why old soldiers occasionally need to get together and shoot the breeze. It is not about past glories, even if it is dressed up as that for show, but about letting out the memories that bubble away below the surface which cannot really be shared with someone who was not there. Everyday life should be a happy life, not weighed down with past trauma. |
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There are days I just want to say “fuck this shit, I’m outta here” and leave this site for the sake of everyone but then I log in and I see posts like this.
Those who know me they also know the real heaviness of my invisible backpack and how desperately I refuse to put it down.
Somehow today I realised it’s ok to do so and I’m not exactly alone.
Thank you
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I feel weight on my shoulders all the time. I still try to help others carry their backpack when I can and when they need it. Paradoxically, I feel that maybe sometimes temporarily taking a weight for others can make your own weight feel less. Would be nice though if once in a while I could lay my troubles down and have someone make me feel sensual again rather than always serious. |
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