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Should you lend money to a gambler?
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
I was listening to something interesting about it yesterday if you should or shouldnt help a gambler.
They said that one shouldnt really help one by lending money, they said that it may sound uncaring, but it is really the only thing you can do so that the gambler will experience the consequences of his or her gambling.
They also talked about other things like how it is fueling their gambling addiction and that the chances of you getting the money back is very low, which is true.
What is your view about it, do you think that it is a good or bad idea to help someone who is gambling?  |
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By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Dorchester |
"I was listening to something interesting about it yesterday if you should or shouldnt help a gambler.
They said that one shouldnt really help one by lending money, they said that it may sound uncaring, but it is really the only thing you can do so that the gambler will experience the consequences of his or her gambling.
They also talked about other things like how it is fueling their gambling addiction and that the chances of you getting the money back is very low, which is true.
What is your view about it, do you think that it is a good or bad idea to help someone who is gambling? "
i don’t lend money anymore, you never get it back  |
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It depends.
What's your connection to the gambler, what's the money for, do you know for sure what they're going to spend it on?
As a general rule I'd say no but it's not that easy or straightforward if you're very closely involved with the person. |
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Hypothetical situation.
You're in a commited relationship with a gambling addict. You've agreed to keep finances separate for obvious reasons, the rent/mortgage/utilities/food bill becomes due but they don't have their half because a dead cert wasn't such a dead cert. What do you do? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was listening to something interesting about it yesterday if you should or shouldnt help a gambler.
They said that one shouldnt really help one by lending money, they said that it may sound uncaring, but it is really the only thing you can do so that the gambler will experience the consequences of his or her gambling.
They also talked about other things like how it is fueling their gambling addiction and that the chances of you getting the money back is very low, which is true.
What is your view about it, do you think that it is a good or bad idea to help someone who is gambling? "
I will never help any addict with money, period. If they want help or advice they can come to me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hypothetical situation.
You're in a commited relationship with a gambling addict. You've agreed to keep finances separate for obvious reasons, the rent/mortgage/utilities/food bill becomes due but they don't have their half because a dead cert wasn't such a dead cert. What do you do? "
Divorce. |
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
"Morning shag
Nope as it adds to further debts and you out of pocket unless it's a dead cert he/she is going to win and you've doubled your money "
Morning and yes, that is right, as it also adds further to the debts and you get out of pocket too  |
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"Hypothetical situation.
You're in a commited relationship with a gambling addict. You've agreed to keep finances separate for obvious reasons, the rent/mortgage/utilities/food bill becomes due but they don't have their half because a dead cert wasn't such a dead cert. What do you do? "
Sticky one isn't it. It depends. It might come to cutting ties completely and ending things. But if it's a committed relationship then it shouldn't be the first step.
Addiction can destroy any relationship if not damage it.
Coming back to the scenario you raised. You cover the month, they get help. They understand it will never happen again. If it does, you're gone and it's over.
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
In some ways with addictions, the sooner they hit the bottom, the better it is for them. |
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"Hypothetical situation.
You're in a commited relationship with a gambling addict. You've agreed to keep finances separate for obvious reasons, the rent/mortgage/utilities/food bill becomes due but they don't have their half because a dead cert wasn't such a dead cert. What do you do? "
People don't change their behaviour until they are forced to confront unpleasant realities. An addict likely needs to hit rock bottom to change, the sooner they hit rock bottom the sooner they can recover and move on with their lives.
In this hypothetical I wouldn't be in a relationship with a gambling addict, but if I was and it had gotten to this point then it would be the end of the relationship. The trust has been broken. |
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It’s always a good idea to help someone as long as that help is going to be a positive.
To help someone get out the mess they are in because of gambling yes happily.
To further them in their habit no. |
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"Hypothetical situation.
You're in a commited relationship with a gambling addict. You've agreed to keep finances separate for obvious reasons, the rent/mortgage/utilities/food bill becomes due but they don't have their half because a dead cert wasn't such a dead cert. What do you do?
People don't change their behaviour until they are forced to confront unpleasant realities. An addict likely needs to hit rock bottom to change, the sooner they hit rock bottom the sooner they can recover and move on with their lives.
In this hypothetical I wouldn't be in a relationship with a gambling addict, but if I was and it had gotten to this point then it would be the end of the relationship. The trust has been broken."
What does one do when the house you live in is under threat, not pay their half and jeopardise your own security? Walking away is one option of course but the opportunity isn't always there or one might not be ready to give up on the relationship.
It is never as easy as do or do not do. |
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"Hypothetical situation.
You're in a commited relationship with a gambling addict. You've agreed to keep finances separate for obvious reasons, the rent/mortgage/utilities/food bill becomes due but they don't have their half because a dead cert wasn't such a dead cert. What do you do?
Sticky one isn't it. It depends. It might come to cutting ties completely and ending things. But if it's a committed relationship then it shouldn't be the first step.
Addiction can destroy any relationship if not damage it.
Coming back to the scenario you raised. You cover the month, they get help. They understand it will never happen again. If it does, you're gone and it's over.
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
In some ways with addictions, the sooner they hit the bottom, the better it is for them."
Yes I agree. |
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"Hypothetical situation.
You're in a commited relationship with a gambling addict. You've agreed to keep finances separate for obvious reasons, the rent/mortgage/utilities/food bill becomes due but they don't have their half because a dead cert wasn't such a dead cert. What do you do?
Divorce. "
That is the solution I eventually used to resolve the situation but if your name is on mortgage papers and utilities they're not bothered who pays as long as it's paid. The person who isn't an addict also gets a poor credit rating and all the other crap that goes along with it |
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"Hypothetical situation.
You're in a commited relationship with a gambling addict. You've agreed to keep finances separate for obvious reasons, the rent/mortgage/utilities/food bill becomes due but they don't have their half because a dead cert wasn't such a dead cert. What do you do?
Sticky one isn't it. It depends. It might come to cutting ties completely and ending things. But if it's a committed relationship then it shouldn't be the first step.
Addiction can destroy any relationship if not damage it.
Coming back to the scenario you raised. You cover the month, they get help. They understand it will never happen again. If it does, you're gone and it's over.
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
In some ways with addictions, the sooner they hit the bottom, the better it is for them.
Yes I agree. "
I know hindsight is great and sometimes we only learn from painful mistakes and maybe the experiences of others.
Unless the addiction is a secret one, there are usually warning signs. It's up to the individual when they want to sound the alarm and enforce boundaries.
Gambling right now is so dangerous. 20 years you had to go to a bookies or casino, now all you need is a phone.
However addictions are addictions. Some you might get in the supermarket. Some in the off licence or maybe sending someone a loosely coded message. It's an easy hole to fall in to and harder to get out off. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That is the solution I eventually used to resolve the situation but if your name is on mortgage papers and utilities they're not bothered who pays as long as it's paid. The person who isn't an addict also gets a poor credit rating and all the other crap that goes along with it"
Sad but true. They can chase me for her debts until the cows come home, but they won't get any more blood out of this stone. Life is enough of a gamble without letting someone else place your bets. Know when to hold em for sure, but don't hesitate to fold em before your in too deep. |
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"Hypothetical situation.
You're in a commited relationship with a gambling addict. You've agreed to keep finances separate for obvious reasons, the rent/mortgage/utilities/food bill becomes due but they don't have their half because a dead cert wasn't such a dead cert. What do you do?
People don't change their behaviour until they are forced to confront unpleasant realities. An addict likely needs to hit rock bottom to change, the sooner they hit rock bottom the sooner they can recover and move on with their lives.
In this hypothetical I wouldn't be in a relationship with a gambling addict, but if I was and it had gotten to this point then it would be the end of the relationship. The trust has been broken.
What does one do when the house you live in is under threat, not pay their half and jeopardise your own security? Walking away is one option of course but the opportunity isn't always there or one might not be ready to give up on the relationship.
It is never as easy as do or do not do."
You pay both halves and separate. If you're not ready to give up the relationship then how bad does it need to get before you are ready? Because it's not going to get better by itself, this only gets worse.
People will often prefer familiarity regardless of how bad it is over change. Weird quirk of human nature. |
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I would NEVER give a gambler anything that I know would help fuel their addiction. Gambling is one of my biggest pet hates, because I've seen so many broken homes, broken marriages, and also violence in relationships where a partner is a compulsive gambler.
Yes, I buy a weekly lottery ticket, but that's as far as it goes...
(hides under the parapet, waiting for the devils' advocates to say "but it's still gambling, etc......"). |
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By *oggoneMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"I would NEVER give a gambler anything that I know would help fuel their addiction. Gambling is one of my biggest pet hates, because I've seen so many broken homes, broken marriages, and also violence in relationships where a partner is a compulsive gambler.
Yes, I buy a weekly lottery ticket, but that's as far as it goes...
(hides under the parapet, waiting for the devils' advocates to say "but it's still gambling, etc......")."
Everyone has differing thresholds, weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Some can buy a lottery ticket or enjoy a bottle of wine and then walk away. Others can't. |
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"Hypothetical situation.
You're in a commited relationship with a gambling addict. You've agreed to keep finances separate for obvious reasons, the rent/mortgage/utilities/food bill becomes due but they don't have their half because a dead cert wasn't such a dead cert. What do you do?
People don't change their behaviour until they are forced to confront unpleasant realities. An addict likely needs to hit rock bottom to change, the sooner they hit rock bottom the sooner they can recover and move on with their lives.
In this hypothetical I wouldn't be in a relationship with a gambling addict, but if I was and it had gotten to this point then it would be the end of the relationship. The trust has been broken.
What does one do when the house you live in is under threat, not pay their half and jeopardise your own security? Walking away is one option of course but the opportunity isn't always there or one might not be ready to give up on the relationship.
It is never as easy as do or do not do.
You pay both halves and separate. If you're not ready to give up the relationship then how bad does it need to get before you are ready? Because it's not going to get better by itself, this only gets worse.
People will often prefer familiarity regardless of how bad it is over change. Weird quirk of human nature. "
How bad do things need to be when you're commited to someone? That threshold is different for everyone |
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"I would NEVER give a gambler anything that I know would help fuel their addiction. Gambling is one of my biggest pet hates, because I've seen so many broken homes, broken marriages, and also violence in relationships where a partner is a compulsive gambler.
Yes, I buy a weekly lottery ticket, but that's as far as it goes...
(hides under the parapet, waiting for the devils' advocates to say "but it's still gambling, etc......")."
There's a very wide gap between a weekly lottery ticket and a gambling addict for someone who isn't an addict |
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"Hypothetical situation.
You're in a commited relationship with a gambling addict. You've agreed to keep finances separate for obvious reasons, the rent/mortgage/utilities/food bill becomes due but they don't have their half because a dead cert wasn't such a dead cert. What do you do?
People don't change their behaviour until they are forced to confront unpleasant realities. An addict likely needs to hit rock bottom to change, the sooner they hit rock bottom the sooner they can recover and move on with their lives.
In this hypothetical I wouldn't be in a relationship with a gambling addict, but if I was and it had gotten to this point then it would be the end of the relationship. The trust has been broken.
What does one do when the house you live in is under threat, not pay their half and jeopardise your own security? Walking away is one option of course but the opportunity isn't always there or one might not be ready to give up on the relationship.
It is never as easy as do or do not do.
You pay both halves and separate. If you're not ready to give up the relationship then how bad does it need to get before you are ready? Because it's not going to get better by itself, this only gets worse.
People will often prefer familiarity regardless of how bad it is over change. Weird quirk of human nature.
How bad do things need to be when you're commited to someone? That threshold is different for everyone "
Well yeah that is the question. How bad are you willing to let things get? Your individual level of tolerance is the answer. It's also about how much you want to believe in blind hope versus cold reality. Hope is the anytithisis of action. |
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"Hypothetical situation.
You're in a commited relationship with a gambling addict. You've agreed to keep finances separate for obvious reasons, the rent/mortgage/utilities/food bill becomes due but they don't have their half because a dead cert wasn't such a dead cert. What do you do?
People don't change their behaviour until they are forced to confront unpleasant realities. An addict likely needs to hit rock bottom to change, the sooner they hit rock bottom the sooner they can recover and move on with their lives.
In this hypothetical I wouldn't be in a relationship with a gambling addict, but if I was and it had gotten to this point then it would be the end of the relationship. The trust has been broken.
What does one do when the house you live in is under threat, not pay their half and jeopardise your own security? Walking away is one option of course but the opportunity isn't always there or one might not be ready to give up on the relationship.
It is never as easy as do or do not do.
You pay both halves and separate. If you're not ready to give up the relationship then how bad does it need to get before you are ready? Because it's not going to get better by itself, this only gets worse.
People will often prefer familiarity regardless of how bad it is over change. Weird quirk of human nature.
How bad do things need to be when you're commited to someone? That threshold is different for everyone
Well yeah that is the question. How bad are you willing to let things get? Your individual level of tolerance is the answer. It's also about how much you want to believe in blind hope versus cold reality. Hope is the anytithisis of action."
Yep.
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Too many questions need answering to make a decision. 1st one is, are they getting serious help and want to beat their addiction? Is the money actually for something essential for their own life/wellbeing? What is their relationship to you? Are you helping them on their journey to beat their addiction? Are they likely to miss-use that money in their current state of mind?
They're just a few axamples off the top of my head. Some things in life aren't just a simple yes or no answer. |
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By *hagTonight OP Man
over a year ago
From the land of haribos. |
"It depends.
What's your connection to the gambler, what's the money for, do you know for sure what they're going to spend it on?
As a general rule I'd say no but it's not that easy or straightforward if you're very closely involved with the person."
Yes, it depends and as you say there, if the person is close, it might be a difficult decision to make |
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