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If you're submissive...
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
...does that mean you aren't proactive?
If the subject of off fab communication is on your mind will you ask or wait to be asked?
Do you still ask someone to meet for a social or for more? Or do you wait for them to make the move?
Can you be submissive and still proactive, or do you think that goes against your submissive nature?
If you're not submissive and someone who claims to be makes those moves would you put their submissiveness in doubt? Or would you rather they just made the suggestions? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I get a lot of messages from subs, it seems to be an umbrella term and meaning can range from pro active to pillow princess, micromanaging or seeking out their wants and needs
From what I gather each person has their own definition of what it means to them personally
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I firmly believe you can be submissive and proactive.
Giving your submission to someone surely is a choice ... and in my experience one that has to be earned.
If it's just offered up on a plate...where's the fun in that...for both parties. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I get a lot of messages from subs, it seems to be an umbrella term and meaning can range from pro active to pillow princess, micromanaging or seeking out their wants and needs
From what I gather each person has their own definition of what it means to them personally
"
I'd agree with that |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I firmly believe you can be submissive and proactive.
Giving your submission to someone surely is a choice ... and in my experience one that has to be earned.
If it's just offered up on a plate...where's the fun in that...for both parties. "
Concur there too! |
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There are as many ways to be submissive as there are people who are, or want to be. I don't have interests in being a doormat, away from anything sexual, where I'd give another 100% agency for myself. I may not want to be submissive with someone, once met either, so everything rests on how we match and how I'd like my role to be.
As such, I'm as proactive as I want to be and will engage with partners, for example, to get things moving and prepared, etc. I'll also give feedback as I see fit. |
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Good question Posh. I can be submissive but only once I'm in the bedroom (or other place the sex is happening). So I'm quite happy to be proactive up to that point but maybe that's because I'm more switch.
Any waiting is more likely to be a fear of rejection than being submissive.
Jx |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
Oohhh interesting topic. I can be very proactive in my day to day life (work, home etc) as I have to be to get things done.
My submissiveness correlates with how I feel with a partner in a relationship or sexual manner. As in, the more comfortable and safe I feel with someone the more submissive I am likely to be  |
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I think submission and proactiveness aren’t related in anyway.
Submissive doesn’t equal shy.
I’m very submissive sexually, but not a sub. - most people don’t understand the difference and I think it’s crucial.
I can communicate perfectly well and that doesn’t affect how I am sexually. At all. |
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I'm submissive always to Hades, not just when doing the sex stuff  That doesn't mean I wait constantly for instruction or refrain from making decisions but discuss with Hades first before making those decisions. I've found it helps me see things from another perspective and stops rash choices!
In work life I'm far from submissive and prefer to be in control!
Cherry x  |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I think submission and proactiveness aren’t related in anyway.
Submissive doesn’t equal shy.
I’m very submissive sexually, but not a sub. - most people don’t understand the difference and I think it’s crucial.
I can communicate perfectly well and that doesn’t affect how I am sexually. At all. "
And I'd agree completely, for me.
I am aware that there are some people who won't make suggestions to move things along as described in the OP, however, and when asked why they didn't speak up they have quoted "being sub" as the reason.
I'm curious to see how many people would align to that way of thinking and how many wouldn't, I suppose. |
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I'm a Dom leaning switch. And I can be very fluid in the moment, if the connection has the kind of quality that leads to spontaneity. Which on face value suggests I do best with switches and 'bratty' subs. But don't judge the cover of a book by how it looks!
It's almost an ancillary layer for me; more a dynamic to navigate - to get to the point we have the intimacy we need to let go. Because ultimately I am primal.
It's whether it feels mutually desired that's primary for me. For that to happen I'd phrase it more like this... They need to express a desire to understand me on an equivalent level to their desire to be understood by me.
How that is done 'proactively' can be highly demonstrative or very subtle. If mutual consideration is in place and the chemistry is there: the power dynamic can be anywhere.
I agree submission is a gift, often a beautiful one. However, it is arbitrary if it's just about what's needed to be done to earn it. I want to know what it is about me that makes them feel I deserve the honour of such a gift. And how do you know, if you don't understand me?
In that context a lollipop can be a more meaningful gift to me than a Dodge challenger Hellcat... stab it and steer  |
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By *mber81Woman
over a year ago
Chorley, Eng |
"I think submission and proactiveness aren’t related in anyway.
Submissive doesn’t equal shy.
I’m very submissive sexually, but not a sub. - most people don’t understand the difference and I think it’s crucial.
I can communicate perfectly well and that doesn’t affect how I am sexually. At all. "
Oh this is a good point. I am very new to properly thinking about it and would love to hear your distinction.
OP
I am probably more sexually submissive to switch. But I like pushing back in sexually submissive scenarios so bratty submissive? I am not submissive in any other area of my life.
I absolutely do not need or expect others to move things along for me. I will suggest things to move things forward and enjoy doing so. And if I don't then I either am just really busy or undecided or I have already said I am not interested and don't want to have to keep reiterating that.
I am not scared of rejection though. But I am terrible at reading signs  |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"
OP
I am probably more sexually submissive to switch. But I like pushing back in sexually submissive scenarios so bratty submissive? I am not submissive in any other area of my life.
I absolutely do not need or expect others to move things along for me. I will suggest things to move things forward and enjoy doing so. And if I don't then I either am just really busy or undecided or I have already said I am not interested and don't want to have to keep reiterating that.
I am not scared of rejection though. But I am terrible at reading signs "
I absolutely could have written this... almost... and probably would have, in response to the questions.
I'd not say I'm a switch, but bratty submissive, yes. And terrified of rejection. Even though I expect it every time, I'll still be proactive about things. I like the know if there is something there, and the only way to know for sure is to be standing in front of each other and find out if the chemistry is there in person. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I'm a Dom leaning switch. And I can be very fluid in the moment, if the connection has the kind of quality that leads to spontaneity. Which on face value suggests I do best with switches and 'bratty' subs. But don't judge the cover of a book by how it looks!
It's almost an ancillary layer for me; more a dynamic to navigate - to get to the point we have the intimacy we need to let go. Because ultimately I am primal.
It's whether it feels mutually desired that's primary for me. For that to happen I'd phrase it more like this... They need to express a desire to understand me on an equivalent level to their desire to be understood by me.
How that is done 'proactively' can be highly demonstrative or very subtle. If mutual consideration is in place and the chemistry is there: the power dynamic can be anywhere.
I agree submission is a gift, often a beautiful one. However, it is arbitrary if it's just about what's needed to be done to earn it. I want to know what it is about me that makes them feel I deserve the honour of such a gift. And how do you know, if you don't understand me?
In that context a lollipop can be a more meaningful gift to me than a Dodge challenger Hellcat... stab it and steer "
I kinda want the Hellcat. But the lollipop can definitely mean more, I agree 
I guess what you're saying is that you don't want to be the only one that steps forward, or always be the first to do so even though taking charge is your comfort zone? You want the other person to close the gap at the same time, or first... so you know they actually want it. |
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"I'm a Dom leaning switch. And I can be very fluid in the moment, if the connection has the kind of quality that leads to spontaneity. Which on face value suggests I do best with switches and 'bratty' subs. But don't judge the cover of a book by how it looks!
It's almost an ancillary layer for me; more a dynamic to navigate - to get to the point we have the intimacy we need to let go. Because ultimately I am primal.
It's whether it feels mutually desired that's primary for me. For that to happen I'd phrase it more like this... They need to express a desire to understand me on an equivalent level to their desire to be understood by me.
How that is done 'proactively' can be highly demonstrative or very subtle. If mutual consideration is in place and the chemistry is there: the power dynamic can be anywhere.
I agree submission is a gift, often a beautiful one. However, it is arbitrary if it's just about what's needed to be done to earn it. I want to know what it is about me that makes them feel I deserve the honour of such a gift. And how do you know, if you don't understand me?
In that context a lollipop can be a more meaningful gift to me than a Dodge challenger Hellcat... stab it and steer
I kinda want the Hellcat. But the lollipop can definitely mean more, I agree
I guess what you're saying is that you don't want to be the only one that steps forward, or always be the first to do so even though taking charge is your comfort zone? You want the other person to close the gap at the same time, or first... so you know they actually want it."
That's pretty spot on. It's almost as if you know me.
Sometimes it doesn't matter who closed the gap first or more. That's my preference 
Yeah but 'wanting it ain't enough' - homage to a homie. It has to be expressed in such a way that I feel it. Then I will take charge. Otherwise, I circle at the boundary of the gap. For a while anyway. If they are particularly enticing they may even get a curious tilt of the head from me before I let it go. |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"I am more with guys .. Sub but tell them what I want if that makes sense ..
Sometimes I regret it ouch "
That's kind of what I mean. You're proactive about what you want yet a bottom  |
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By *otSoPosh OP Woman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"One thing does not necessarily correlate to the other. I’m only mildly submissive when it concerns sex and only when I think the person I’m with creates a safe space for me to let go "
For me it doesn't correlate at all, for some it would seem it does. So I agree, it doesn't necessarily correlate.
The safe space is the important thing during sex. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think a submissive needs to be proactive in the beginning to work out if someone matches them in terms of being dominant or a dom.
They will need to instigate conversations and ask a lot of questions for starters.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No I’m not in the least submissive, but I could be.
I suppose it comes from how I can be sensual.
So let’s say I lean toward dominant, but I wait to find what a woman really wants. Because the way I see it, I want to give her what she wants. So am I proactive? No, because chances are, there’s another dozen guys trying to get something from her. If she wants me, I’m always here.  |
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By *ruceyyMan
over a year ago
London |
"I think a submissive needs to be proactive in the beginning to work out if someone matches them in terms of being dominant or a dom.
They will need to instigate conversations and ask a lot of questions for starters.
"
I've found many who say they like submissive sex just say they are until I ask them to what degree and what limits they have personally but maybe that's just lil old me! |
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"...does that mean you aren't proactive?
If the subject of off fab communication is on your mind will you ask or wait to be asked?
Do you still ask someone to meet for a social or for more? Or do you wait for them to make the move?
Can you be submissive and still proactive, or do you think that goes against your submissive nature?
If you're not submissive and someone who claims to be makes those moves would you put their submissiveness in doubt? Or would you rather they just made the suggestions?"
I prefer to have more agency over my life, I'm not just going to wait around for the right person to hopefully find me. I'm sub but also very driven and proactive in life in general. |
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In my experience the sub's needs are of primary importance to the dom, so understanding them becomes an imperative from the outset, the dom is not there to simply overpower people purely for their own benefit as that is not submission but generally symptomatic of loss of self worth.
A sub should actively chose to obey me out of choice because there is a reward structure that creates a enriching bond.
Ultimately it can be argued that the sub has more power than the dom, through this poeer dynamic as the dom is resonsible for, and therefor serving their sub.
The beauty of power play is the submission, ultimately trusting the dom with your wellbeing and sometimes being pushed beyond you comfort zones and feeling like a plaything, but then ultimately reaping the benefits.
I've always considered intimacy and trust to be 1,000 times more of a turn on than genitals and is the reason we like to build bonds even in the short term.
Nothing turns me on more than intimacy, and is also the reason that someone entrusting you, welcoming you within their comfort zone is so fucking exciting, better than all the Internet boobs and porn in the world.
But the sub shouldn't be sub purely because they lack a choice, otherwise they aren't YOURS, they are anyone's, choice and proactivity lead to the best arrangements.
Subs should have the power to say no, request things but submit when master makes them. |
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"In my experience the sub's needs are of primary importance to the dom, so understanding them becomes an imperative from the outset, the dom is not there to simply overpower people purely for their own benefit as that is not submission but generally symptomatic of loss of self worth.
A sub should actively chose to obey me out of choice because there is a reward structure that creates a enriching bond.
Ultimately it can be argued that the sub has more power than the dom, through this poeer dynamic as the dom is resonsible for, and therefor serving their sub.
The beauty of power play is the submission, ultimately trusting the dom with your wellbeing and sometimes being pushed beyond you comfort zones and feeling like a plaything, but then ultimately reaping the benefits.
I've always considered intimacy and trust to be 1,000 times more of a turn on than genitals and is the reason we like to build bonds even in the short term.
Nothing turns me on more than intimacy, and is also the reason that someone entrusting you, welcoming you within their comfort zone is so fucking exciting, better than all the Internet boobs and porn in the world.
But the sub shouldn't be sub purely because they lack a choice, otherwise they aren't YOURS, they are anyone's, choice and proactivity lead to the best arrangements.
Subs should have the power to say no, request things but submit when master makes them. "
This is a great Dom take. |
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By *r.SpiceWoman
over a year ago
Manchester |
I think there's lots of confusion between being submissive and being a sub.. id like to think I am proactive yet, I'd prefer being submissive when I am having sex..I can be very vocal about what steers things up for me and I expect the person I'm with to do the same.. dont think that's considered a dom, is it?? |
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Depends a lot to be honest. My submission is purely within play time. Outside of that, I would like to be treated as just another person. I want that separation. So I can be proactive outside the play time. I understand that there are also lifestyle submissives who like to submit all the time and their behaviour in these cases is different. |
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I think subs can be proactive, for example "i would like to take You for coffee Mistress, at this place whenever is convenient for You"
I really like it with they have ideas for sessions too, it shows they've put some thought into it. |
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I'm submissive, but I'm very proactive.
If we have a new implement or new kind of play. I will do as much research as my other half. We both take safety very seriously. I will discuss my own limits and set them. I'm very proactive until we start a scene, then it becomes my time to switch off. |
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