FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > To behave, or not to behave...
To behave, or not to behave...
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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In a conversation with a dear friend this morning, this topic came up.
Expectations. On how a person behaves/responds/is. Whether that's in the swinging world, the BDSM, the poly, the dating. You get the idea.
What behaviour do you expect? Are there certain things you believe are important to be shown?
Do you try and show those to others? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Poly/ dating for me- important that someone shows understanding and respect for the fact that I’m a parent and my priorities will always be my responsibilities as a parent. Also that they’re present in our time together so not constantly on their phone or giving their attention to someone or something else. That they are always polite to other people when we go out together. Some other things too |
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Being a newbie I expect nothing….but feel I should behave and listen to boundaries set by the people if I was to meet…
I also believe I’m a generally nice person and shouldn’t overstep marks or be pushy towards anybody as if I got what I’m looking for they would be doing me a favour and fulfilling a fantasy.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Expectations of people are a weird thing that causes a lot of problems. We all have our own personal beliefs, morals and views of the correct way to behave but that doesn't ultimately mean we are right and someone who thinks differently is wrong. We also can't get mad at people for not aligning with our expectations because its not our place to dictate how they behave, act or feel. My only expectation for someone is that they be who they truly are. Whether we match as people is a different story but at least everyone is on genuine level ground. |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Poly/ dating for me- important that someone shows understanding and respect for the fact that I’m a parent and my priorities will always be my responsibilities as a parent. Also that they’re present in our time together so not constantly on their phone or giving their attention to someone or something else. That they are always polite to other people when we go out together. Some other things too"
Oh Pickle. Yeah, it's important that someone recognises that - being a parent comes first.
Being present is so important. I once got gently chided for screwing up my face on a social when they logged on to Fab. If someone's not present with you, are they really wanting to be there? |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Being a newbie I expect nothing….but feel I should behave and listen to boundaries set by the people if I was to meet…
I also believe I’m a generally nice person and shouldn’t overstep marks or be pushy towards anybody as if I got what I’m looking for they would be doing me a favour and fulfilling a fantasy.."
What about your boundaries though? It's good you're respectful, really it is.
But they're not doing you a favour. No. With respect, I don't think it should be seen like that. Sure it's great when someone wants you to be part of their fantasy. Really fucking hot. No one is doing any one favours though, you're just enjoying the moment. |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"The main one for me is being present. Other than that just be a grown up, no drama or weirdness about other lovers / exes etc and no lies "
Yes, that's understandable. Drama/weirdness isn't good for anyone is it?
Lies are a big thing for me - I really don't like them. Find them confusing and then I try and work out the truth and it becomes a bit of a mess.
So for me, I guess it's down to respect? Not sure if it's respect. I might come back when I've thought of a better term.  |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Expectations of people are a weird thing that causes a lot of problems. We all have our own personal beliefs, morals and views of the correct way to behave but that doesn't ultimately mean we are right and someone who thinks differently is wrong. We also can't get mad at people for not aligning with our expectations because its not our place to dictate how they behave, act or feel. My only expectation for someone is that they be who they truly are. Whether we match as people is a different story but at least everyone is on genuine level ground."
Ah this is true. I like your more sensible posts (can't remember your current username as I'm typing this!) a lot.
That correct way to behave is a bit of a nuisance at times. I see it on BDSM threads - when they say that you should do x, y and z or you're not really *doing* it. It kind of ignores how different we all are - assumes that their way of handling things, doing them is the right way.
Yes, I think when we expect people to behave in a certain way, assume they will it can lead to negativity if they fall short of those unknown expectations. It's also not really fair on someone is it? Or on us. When I catch myself falling into that behaviour, which I can definitely do, I try and stop it and apologise for doing so.
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"In a conversation with a dear friend this morning, this topic came up.
Expectations. On how a person behaves/responds/is. Whether that's in the swinging world, the BDSM, the poly, the dating. You get the idea.
What behaviour do you expect? Are there certain things you believe are important to be shown?
Do you try and show those to others? "
Empathy.
That’s all that’s needed in life. |
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When you frame it as behaving my brat instincts make me want to misbehave 
For me, the only thing I'm ever fussed about is honesty. If there's other commitments or distractions or unfortunate things happen, that's life, that's okay. Just don't keep me in the dark if it's something relevant to my experience and any plans we had together, confirmed or otherwise. |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Just expect people to be themselves not fake.
Either you like them or you don't. We get to choose who we allow into our life.
My Door works really well, most of the time it's open "
We do choose don't we? Our friends, our sexual partners, our lovers.
Beyond that, well you can't choose to have someone behave the way you want them to. Yep, that sentence is a reminder for me because I can be rather rotten and forget that occasionally.
You either accept the way they behave or you move on to someone whose behaviour is more compatible with you. |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"In a conversation with a dear friend this morning, this topic came up.
Expectations. On how a person behaves/responds/is. Whether that's in the swinging world, the BDSM, the poly, the dating. You get the idea.
What behaviour do you expect? Are there certain things you believe are important to be shown?
Do you try and show those to others?
Empathy.
That’s all that’s needed in life. "
Aww, that's sweet. I don't think empathy is something that naturally comes to many people.
It's hard sometimes to stop and try and understand how another person feels. The world would be better if there was more empathy, maybe a stepping stone to that could be a willingness to listen to another's point of view and try to understand it. Even if you don't agree. |
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"Being a newbie I expect nothing….but feel I should behave and listen to boundaries set by the people if I was to meet…
I also believe I’m a generally nice person and shouldn’t overstep marks or be pushy towards anybody as if I got what I’m looking for they would be doing me a favour and fulfilling a fantasy..
What about your boundaries though? It's good you're respectful, really it is.
But they're not doing you a favour. No. With respect, I don't think it should be seen like that. Sure it's great when someone wants you to be part of their fantasy. Really fucking hot. No one is doing any one favours though, you're just enjoying the moment."
I would like to think if my boundaries were getting a tad too close I’d be brave enough to halt proceedings. I wouldn’t want to take advantage or be taken advantage of…. |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"When you frame it as behaving my brat instincts make me want to misbehave
For me, the only thing I'm ever fussed about is honesty. If there's other commitments or distractions or unfortunate things happen, that's life, that's okay. Just don't keep me in the dark if it's something relevant to my experience and any plans we had together, confirmed or otherwise."
Sometimes, briefly, I forgot how often we share similar views on things. And then I'm quickly reminded.
Playing up when someone says to behave is rather fun isn't it?
That's not the similar view though - it's how you talk about honesty. I think that's my main thing. I don't want to know the minor details, in fact, I'm decidedly good not. But being kept in the dark when things affect me, plans discussed doesn't work for me. Never has - my first partner did it quite a lot and it got to the point where I couldn't deal with it any more. It's hard to explain without sounding daft though! |
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I behave depending on the situation in the main. I do have a steak in me that won't behave just because, and I do have to reign it in because I can be a grade A twat. But usually me 'playing up" so to speak is my way of showing I'm not happy in some way or another. And I'm pushing limits to see if I'm safe or not. I mean it's a stupid coping strategy and totally not recommended.
I think though in general it's always best to be upfront about expectations, so everyone is happy.
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"Expectations of people are a weird thing that causes a lot of problems. We all have our own personal beliefs, morals and views of the correct way to behave but that doesn't ultimately mean we are right and someone who thinks differently is wrong. We also can't get mad at people for not aligning with our expectations because its not our place to dictate how they behave, act or feel. My only expectation for someone is that they be who they truly are. Whether we match as people is a different story but at least everyone is on genuine level ground."
If the world was full of people that truly understood this it would be a far happier place  |
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"Sometimes, briefly, I forgot how often we share similar views on things. And then I'm quickly reminded.
Playing up when someone says to behave is rather fun isn't it?
That's not the similar view though - it's how you talk about honesty. I think that's my main thing. I don't want to know the minor details, in fact, I'm decidedly good not. But being kept in the dark when things affect me, plans discussed doesn't work for me. Never has - my first partner did it quite a lot and it got to the point where I couldn't deal with it any more. It's hard to explain without sounding daft though!"
Oh it doesn't sound daft at all. It's a big thing that so many people overlook or take for granted. Or get embarrassed because they missed something and even the day after still haven't reached out to just say hey I fucked up there, or even to talk at all. It stings. And it stinks. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m getting to the point where I was in the past.recently I’ve been very sensitive and temperamental with what I expect and what I get given with any type or relationship with people.
Now I just expect to be given what they want to give. After a while I know if that’s enough for me or did it match what I gave them. Sometimes it is surprising.
I will always offer honesty and friendliness, that’s a given. Do I expect that? It’s pretty basic, so if they can’t do that?……
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"I’m getting to the point where I was in the past.recently I’ve been very sensitive and temperamental with what I expect and what I get given with any type or relationship with people.
Now I just expect to be given what they want to give. After a while I know if that’s enough for me or did it match what I gave them. Sometimes it is surprising.
I will always offer honesty and friendliness, that’s a given. Do I expect that? It’s pretty basic, so if they can’t do that?……
"
I think things are nuanced - friendliness of course. That's vital.
The level of honesty for me is based on the the level of relationship. Actually, as I'm typing that I'm thinking yeah, that's bollocks.
It's not the level of honesty that changes. It's the level of openness. I wouldn't expect someone I've just met to tell me everything. Nor want them to. But what they do say should be honest. |
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