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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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This won't mean much to many here and that's fine.
I have just lost my dad, been expected over the last couple of weeks but now it's happened.
We did not have the best of relationships and I was not strong enough to go back and see him while he was in hospital. Too afraid one of us would say the wrong thing and did not want our last interaction to be an argument.
Dreading going back for the funeral but have to for family sake.
Want to cause myself pain as that's how I deal with emotions but I can't go back home covered in cuts and bruises.
Thanks for reading. |
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By *nkyCplCouple
over a year ago
Northampton |
We all deal with grief differently and you shouldn’t feel ashamed for how you’re handling yours.
Talking from experience I would recommend going to the funeral and using it to say your goodbyes however you see fit. I think down the line you may regret it if you didn’t, but I can’t see there being any regrets if you do attend.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bless you op. It’s impossibly hard when someone you don’t have a good relationship with dies and your grief just isn’t understood in the same way as ‘conventional’ grief. Instead of self harming can you do something else to allow yourself to feel the pain? Go for a run or punch the shit out of the sofa? Write your feelings down whatever they are and however bad you think they are.  |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
If you feel you have unspoken feelings that you want to get off your chest then you could put it in a letter addressed to your dad. Treat it as a way of saying everything you wanted to say but couldn’t. And then put it away somewhere or burn it, whether you do that now or later on down the line, whatever. You don’t have to tell anyone about it. But you’ve taken the time to think about your feelings and “air” them. That might help.
Hurting yourself is a temporary salve to heal the pain you feel, but really you need someone to talk to, to listen, to support.
Can you chat to one of the Bereavement charities and tell them how you’re feeling? Loss is hard under any circumstance, but when there is the added complication of a difficult relationship it can require a special touch to coax us into sharing and talking.
Grief affects us all differently and there is no wrong or right way to grieve.
Sending condolences on your loss x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Really feel for you OP
Grief is a horrific feeling, a wild ride that seemingly has no end.
Try not to make rash decisions, don't hurt yourself, just speak to people and get things off of your chest.
Your brain will be a muddle for a while, but when clarity comes you'll feel better and you'll process things better. Also don't feel guilty for living life, this is your process. |
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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago
Calderdale innit |
I'm so very sorry for your loss op ,grief cab be vwry complicated & dig up allsorts of feelings.
Be kind to yourself and if you want to talk, the charity Cruse are great (i used to volunteer for them).
I know its easy to say,but try not to blame yourself for a relationship that wasn't the easiest.No matter what your relationship was like,you've still lost someone & it hurts like mad.
Sending a big hug your way x |
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Sorry to read this, OP. Please try not to harm yourself - that will not help anyone.
Sounds like you had a complicated relationship. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, so just give yourself time and space to process everything. Talk, and try not to bottle things up. |
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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago
Not all that North of North London |
I had been estranged from my dad for 14 years when he died, it was weird and took a long time to process, but you'll get there.
Maybe speak to a bereavement counsellor?
With regards to self-harming, have you had help for that before? Reach out to your mental health workers? Or make an urgent referral? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Appreciate the comments. I want to hurt but fortunately can stop myself from doing it at the moment.
Have prewarned my therapist I will need a session when back from the funeral. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"Appreciate the comments. I want to hurt but fortunately can stop myself from doing it at the moment.
Have prewarned my therapist I will need a session when back from the funeral. "
I used to feel a little bit like you. Over the years I found peace and now I just focus on things I am proud of about myself that I can give him credit for.
Not everything needs to be said or resolved even to get closure, but it’s a work in progress to just choose to put some things away and focus on and remember other things  |
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I’ve lost a great many people in my life, and grief has been a constant companion. The worst and most visceral is our daughter. We got to hold her just once. There are many good things written about grief, but even understanding the psychological processes and stages does little to help in the moment. The way I think of it is this: the hurt never goes. It doesn’t fade, the loss doesn’t get smaller, the hole through your life doesn’t shrink, the sharpness never dulls. What happens is that you accumulate layers of life, as more time goes by, that wrap around your grief and insulate you from it. Eventually there will be days, then weeks, then months when it doesn’t sting as bad. This takes time. And that’s all there is to it. Time isn’t a healer - I hate that expression - but it’s insulation, a barrier, that makes it bearable.
Self harm won’t help. It might in the moment, briefly, but it won’t last. I know. So it isn’t worth going down that path because ultimately it gives you nothing. Talking does help, if you have someone you can be honest with. Something about expressing the pain and the guilt out loud helps soften the intensity of the feelings. Natural sleep also helps. If you can do that. It’s healthy oblivion as opposed to unhealthy oblivion, and our brains do a lot of healing and emotional regulation when we sleep.
No idea if the above is helpful, but please know you’re not alone Xx |
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