FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Gaslighting.

Gaslighting.

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I’ve done this before, looking at different forms of emotional abuse, and it’s been really interesting, so here we go.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a person attempts to control perception so that we start to question our own sanity.

The 5 Types Of Gaslighting:

Chronic Lying: a pattern of lying where once caught within a lie, instead of admitting the lie, your character is attacked ("you are so crazy!).

Over time, you second guess what is actually reality.

Chronic Blame: any time you have an issue, the person blames you for bringing that issue on, rather than taking accountability for their behavior.

Ex: "I wouldn't have done that if you weren't always on my case.

Narrative Creating: a pattern of re-creating a new narrative about how events went that doesn't actually match up with the events.

This makes one person the

"victim" while the other person questions their sanity.

Chronic Objecting: when you talk about the issue or try to hold the person accountable, they switch the topic and attempt to throw you off course.

Often feels like going in circles, and leaves you feeling defeated.

Reputation Smearing: a pattern of gossiping and discrediting a person in order to get people on 'their side' or to get sympathy.

This gives someone a sense of power over your reputation and how people perceive you.

I’m not claiming this as my own, this is taken from the holistic psychologist, who is an excellent resource.

Interesting to hear opinions, so you recognise it, aged you experienced it?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Describes my ex perfectly

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By *rder66Man over a year ago

Tatooine

Have experienced all, through different periods of my life with different people in my life.

Perhaps in the past I have subconsciously looked for these as a result of childhood trauma.

That is why I would not have another romatic relasionship and happy and content being on my own.

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By *eeliciouschaosWoman over a year ago

Wherever

Having experienced this throughout all my childhood and falling straight into equally abusive relationships as an after effect, I can say gaslighting is one of the most cruel and dangerous forms of abuse.

Only because can easily go unnoticed.

Thank you OP for bringing this up. I hope it helps someone who needs to read this.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Thank you for the info OP. Got a friend going through this and the explanation of the types has really helped remind me why they are struggling.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Brilliant info, thank you for taking your time to post it here. Unfortunately I’ve experienced them all through my life with different people.

I think everyone have had at least one bad gaslighter at some point in their lives.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Having experienced this throughout all my childhood and falling straight into equally abusive relationships as an after effect, I can say gaslighting is one of the most cruel and dangerous forms of abuse.

Only because can easily go unnoticed.

Thank you OP for bringing this up. I hope it helps someone who needs to read this."

This is why I do these threads, because people have said it’s helped them in the past

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I’m sorry to those who’ve experienced this, it’s so cruel and damaging

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By *inister_SpinsterWoman over a year ago

Manchester(ish).

"I’m sorry to those who’ve experienced this, it’s so cruel and damaging

I agree, having been involved with someone who consistently did all those.

Only upside, is I can spot them a mile off when other people demonstrate those behaviours and I keep a very clear distance from them.

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By *exycarlxxxMan over a year ago

port Talbot

I can sympathize and relate to you mate. Nice that there is this forum. The above description is accurate about gaslighters...and I had experience of it with my ex when we broke up. And same like me it put me off relationships for life, I've been single for years. Swinging is nice outlet to explore my sexuality and I've met a lot of people. I know it's difficult on these sites because single guys are not perceived as genuine generally speaking when it comes to meets...but with life experience I have kept myself honest and genuine towards all.

Those that have experienced such destructive personality traits I find often void themselves of responsibility, often behaving immature like and with little emotional intelligence. Being hurt badly has made me realise that it's important to try and be happy even if alone and spread happiness and respect to others.

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By *agerMorganMan over a year ago

Canvey Island

I’ve experienced this recently with an ex, the way they kept blaming me and changing the subject.

The premise was that I was, apparently, flirting with other women all the time on Facebook, in their inboxes etc. only I found she was posting pics of herself in her underwear to other blokes and in groups.

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By *TG3Man over a year ago

Dorchester

"I’ve done this before, looking at different forms of emotional abuse, and it’s been really interesting, so here we go.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a person attempts to control perception so that we start to question our own sanity.

The 5 Types Of Gaslighting:

Chronic Lying: a pattern of lying where once caught within a lie, instead of admitting the lie, your character is attacked ("you are so crazy!).

Over time, you second guess what is actually reality.

Chronic Blame: any time you have an issue, the person blames you for bringing that issue on, rather than taking accountability for their behavior.

Ex: "I wouldn't have done that if you weren't always on my case.

Narrative Creating: a pattern of re-creating a new narrative about how events went that doesn't actually match up with the events.

This makes one person the

"victim" while the other person questions their sanity.

Chronic Objecting: when you talk about the issue or try to hold the person accountable, they switch the topic and attempt to throw you off course.

Often feels like going in circles, and leaves you feeling defeated.

Reputation Smearing: a pattern of gossiping and discrediting a person in order to get people on 'their side' or to get sympathy.

This gives someone a sense of power over your reputation and how people perceive you.

I’m not claiming this as my own, this is taken from the holistic psychologist, who is an excellent resource.

Interesting to hear opinions, so you recognise it, aged you experienced it?

"
hey you've got too much time on your hands lol

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By *ea monkeyMan over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

Yup! I recognise all of those forms from previous relationships in one form or another.

The last one; reputation smearing, is pretty common and there is absolutely no way of dealing with it.

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By *hegirlwiththepeachtattooWoman over a year ago

My ex husband did this, although I didn’t know what it was at the time. He would say one thing, then just seconds later claim not to have said it. Trying to have a straightforward discussion with him was impossible, it was like he kept changing the rules.

I left him 8 years ago, that’s when i got into the lifestyle. As well as being a selfish prick in day to day life, he was the same in bed, only his satisfaction mattered. Leaving him was the best decision i ever made, i just wish I’d read something like this sooner so I’d have maybe understood it all instead of questioning my sanity.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Yup! I recognise all of those forms from previous relationships in one form or another.

The last one; reputation smearing, is pretty common and there is absolutely no way of dealing with it. "

I think with that one, you just accept that the truth will out at some point, and the people that know you, really know you, they will know that it’s not true, and you just have to not worry about the others.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"My ex husband did this, although I didn’t know what it was at the time. He would say one thing, then just seconds later claim not to have said it. Trying to have a straightforward discussion with him was impossible, it was like he kept changing the rules.

I’m sorry you went through that

, but this is exactly why I post these

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By *ea monkeyMan over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"Yup! I recognise all of those forms from previous relationships in one form or another.

The last one; reputation smearing, is pretty common and there is absolutely no way of dealing with it.

In my experience, that just doesn’t happen. People believe what they’re told, especially by friends. I have people that were friends for decades that don’t talk to me due to an ex

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By *hegirlwiththepeachtattooWoman over a year ago

"Yup! I recognise all of those forms from previous relationships in one form or another.

The last one; reputation smearing, is pretty common and there is absolutely no way of dealing with it.

In my experience, that just doesn’t happen. People believe what they’re told, especially by friends. I have people that were friends for decades that don’t talk to me due to an ex"

Same. Lifelong friends dropped me when i left my ex, he did an amazing job of painting me as the bad guy. I hold them responsible more than him, they should know better.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Yup! I recognise all of those forms from previous relationships in one form or another.

The last one; reputation smearing, is pretty common and there is absolutely no way of dealing with it.

In my experience, that just doesn’t happen. People believe what they’re told, especially by friends. I have people that were friends for decades that don’t talk to me due to an ex"

Yep. I find people gossip about the bullshit and don't tell the person who is being lied about, so they are unaware.

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By *otSoPoshWoman over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

Nearly 40 years of experiencing this from my mother, exes, and friends.

Apparently I was too trusting in my past, and I feel sorry for anyone who wants to be close to me now. It isn't easy at all.

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By *exycarlxxxMan over a year ago

port Talbot

Can definitely sympathise with this too. I lost a lot of friends this way. Its funny how people generally agree with hearing both sides of a story. But when it comes down to it practically, they choose to do otherwise. Sometimes I think that people generally see things in black and white only, being quick to judge and form Thier own narrative without all the information...

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By *ansoffateMan over a year ago

Sagittarius A

All takes the form of one person feeling entitled to tell the other person what they think.

Disorientation by sudden changing of emotional states, being available and then distant. Acting like that things are 'in your imagination' till you struggle to trust your own perception.

I was susceptible to this as I had an abuser in my childhood that convinced me it was just bad dreams and I would be in trouble if I told anyone. She coerced me into accepting her narrative over my own.

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By *ormerWelshcouple2020Man over a year ago

Stourbridge

Genuinely never knew that this was what it meant. What is it when people ignore you?

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

Yep I've experienced thism my ex husband was a chronic liar. Eventually you start to question your version of events. Call them out on the lies and another lie comes out of their mouth to explain the first one. Reality becomes difficult to pin down.

Whether as a result of this or not I only ever believe what people show me of their character not what they tell me.

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By *he massage manMan over a year ago

filey

Yes I have experienced all of this and it was my then partners brother and his wife that kept me sane and made me realise that I was not the problem. After the split they became and still atr my very best friends.

Thanks OP for all the information

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The only way I can spot that it's happening to me is if I start feeling foggy and confused with the other person. Questioning myself, unsure if I got it wrong. I felt this recently and only then was I able to look at our interactions with a more critical eye.

I've been gaslit over a long time by an ex and I'm still susceptible to it. The only way I can figure it out is paying attention to how I feel as above. And examining what their intention is when something they do or say sets off my radar. That helps me see more clearly.

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By *erence IIMan over a year ago

Irrelevant

Well, that must includes a behaviour I never recognised as gaslighting though found it very harmful. Thank you OP

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By *hegirlwiththepeachtattooWoman over a year ago

I’m sorry you went through that

, but this is exactly why I post these

What’s even worse, is now that our eldest daughter is old enough to question his behaviour, he’s started trying to do the same with her. It’s bad enough to manipulate your partner, but your 16 year old child?! And then he wonders why she doesn’t want to see him

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By *rincipessaWoman over a year ago

your wildest dreams,

I think one of the biggest issues with this is that those who are doing it, mostly don’t and won’t recognise it in themselves. They’re master manipulators who are concerned about and care about themselves only. They’re unlikely to ever change their behaviour and the only way to deal with them is to cut yourself off from them. That is usually easier said than done, because, they’re master manipulators. Friends are what you need. Those who can see it happening, support you through it and out of it, don’t add to the problem by being hypercritical of you for not getting out sooner, but help build you back up when you’ve been torn down

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By *ansoffateMan over a year ago

Sagittarius A

"I think one of the biggest issues with this is that those who are doing it, mostly don’t and won’t recognise it in themselves. They’re master manipulators who are concerned about and care about themselves only. They’re unlikely to ever change their behaviour and the only way to deal with them is to cut yourself off from them. That is usually easier said than done, because, they’re master manipulators. Friends are what you need. Those who can see it happening, support you through it and out of it, don’t add to the problem by being hypercritical of you for not getting out sooner, but help build you back up when you’ve been torn down "

So true. Once I recognise that someone feels they can tell me my own mind and can't accept that's what they are doing - I am done. I can tell because I am the one trying to consider their feelings in that moment of challenge, but they have zero consideration for mine.

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By *eavenscentitCouple over a year ago

barnstaple

I had many years of this from my ex husband. It has made me sad at times, he now tries to do this to our adult children. He's also done it to the two women after me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Absolutely agree, and that’s also what I mean by the friends that know you, really know you, because they will understand and be there.

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By *ansoffateMan over a year ago

Sagittarius A

I'll share this actually it may help someone. My partner of 20 years had Borderline Personality Disorder and she would gaslight. It came from her insecurity. She would make a negative assumption and then through cognitive bias, favour anything that confirmed her negative belief. She was very intelligent, which meant she could really fuck with her own head. To the point she believed she knew my mind better than I did.

One occasion after 3 months of withdrawal and passive aggression, idealisation and devlaution. She claimed I was on a marital affair site. She had been flirting with a guy

on the site, because she thought it was me. I had to get my cock out, next to the picture to show her it wasn't the same. That's how delusional she had become.

I had to learn to be able to be calm until she was ready to make the accusation. I could see it coming for weeks. Then to stand my ground and refuse to accept her claims about me. What I will say for her though is, she owned it when she realised. She recovered really well, started recognising when the assumptions occurred and seeking reassurance, when she felt insecure. We ended up having a really good relationship. If you don't stand up to it. Then you end up enabling it.

If she hadn't owned it I would have walked. But she did and we would take it to therapy so there was a professional neutral party. That definitely helped.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Well damn this is so relevant right now

describes my mrs perfectly

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By *ansoffateMan over a year ago

Sagittarius A

If you want to stay with her go to a professional relationship counsellor. It's so hard for them to discern what is real or imagined. Your word may not be enough. A neutral party fixes that. If she starts accusing the counsellor of being biased toward you then, my advice would be to walk.

I think this is why they gaslight it's almost like a way of trying to get a partner to experience how they feel. It's a pretty messed up way though. But they struggle to articulate what is going on for them as they can't trust.

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By *ansexualPandaMan over a year ago

Near You

I have experienced all of that with a couple of different ex's and all of them with one in particular. I've come to recognise it pretty early on in a relationship now. I don't know why but I seem to attract them. It's probably part of the reason why I've been single for 5 years.

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By *reat me rightWoman over a year ago

Rotherham

I experienced this 10 years ago up to about 8 years ago. My ex is a narcissit but upped the ante after we parted ways. He somehow got a key to my house and used to come in when I wasn't there and move things (he ripped open our daughter prescription which was up in the bathroom and removed the label - no one else would do that- it wouldn't serve them in any way. The last thing he did was come in one morning when I was taking her to school and let one of the dogs out of their crate (absolutely no chance the madam could have let herself out). I came home to find EV sat on the back of the sofa and the money I'd raised for the air ambulance all over my living room furniture. This had been very very well hidden and wasn't spoken of as being in my home. He took £300 of it. I thought I was going mad, it was horrific

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'll share this actually it may help someone. My partner of 20 years had Borderline Personality Disorder and she would gaslight. It came from her insecurity. She would make a negative assumption and then through cognitive bias, favour anything that confirmed her negative belief. She was very intelligent, which meant she could really fuck with her own head. To the point she believed she knew my mind better than I did.

One occasion after 3 months of withdrawal and passive aggression, idealisation and devlaution. She claimed I was on a marital affair site. She had been flirting with a guy

on the site, because she thought it was me. I had to get my cock out, next to the picture to show her it wasn't the same. That's how delusional she had become.

If she hadn't owned it I would have walked. But she did and we would take it to therapy so there was a professional neutral party. That definitely helped."

Totally get this, often people gaslight and have no idea they are doing so. Any previously hurt person or child has the capacity to gaslight. And many times it's never meant even how it comes across ...

Sometimes our own behaviour can trigger it in another, there are many therapies out there that can help but standing up to it (when and if we realise) is the best thing. Maybe the other person after the realisation will be open to help

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

So would an example of this be

Having a 6 month affair with a mutual colleague but denying that an affair had taken place

When presented with the evidence got aggressive bordering violent

Only admitting to a one night stand after managing to purge all the evidence spanning a six month period bar one explicit text message that had been screen shotted

After admitting the one night stand then blamed me for being so shit, awful, lazy, fat, ugly that I made her do it

Divorced me for unreasonable behaviour and top of the list was that I tried to force her to go to a sex club and told all her family the same thing (for the record she suggested going to a sex club once in our relationship and when comparing the timing with information that came out after the divorce aligned perfectly with the other affair she had that I didn't know about)

For a supposedly intelligent man I still feel pretty fucking stupid

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By *ustyntheB3astCouple over a year ago

Fife

This is very interesting. I’ve always wondered what was meant by gaslighting. Definitely have been subjected to this in the past, ex wife must have a degree in gaslighting!… very hard to defend against

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By *ansoffateMan over a year ago

Sagittarius A

"So would an example of this be

Having a 6 month affair with a mutual colleague but denying that an affair had taken place

When presented with the evidence got aggressive bordering violent

Only admitting to a one night stand after managing to purge all the evidence spanning a six month period bar one explicit text message that had been screen shotted

After admitting the one night stand then blamed me for being so shit, awful, lazy, fat, ugly that I made her do it

For a supposedly intelligent man I still feel pretty fucking stupid

Yes re-writing history is a form of gaslighting.

It's not stupid to trust your partner. She's is responsible for betraying your trust.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So would an example of this be

Having a 6 month affair with a mutual colleague but denying that an affair had taken place

When presented with the evidence got aggressive bordering violent

Only admitting to a one night stand after managing to purge all the evidence spanning a six month period bar one explicit text message that had been screen shotted

After admitting the one night stand then blamed me for being so shit, awful, lazy, fat, ugly that I made her do it

For a supposedly intelligent man I still feel pretty fucking stupid

Being lied to doesn't make you or anyone else stupid. I've felt the same way, I kicked myself over and over when my LTR ended and I realised what he'd been doing. But they're the ones doing wrong.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It’s not just exes once your switch goes snd you see this behaviour you see that friends and family can be gas lighters too

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Only because can easily go unnoticed.

Thank you OP for bringing this up. I hope it helps someone who needs to read this.

This is why I do these threads, because people have said it’s helped them in the past

Do one on coercive control…see how many people recognise their own dilemma

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Every time this type of thread appears there follows a host of responses about how people recognise this as their ex...

How come no one ever says ... Oh yeah, I was like that to my ex.... or I'm still like that with my partner

As it's been pointed out that there is a lack of responsibility and a whole bunch of lying going on .... I'm giving all those in denial to come forward as a gaslighter

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Every time this type of thread appears there follows a host of responses about how people recognise this as their ex...

How come no one ever says ... Oh yeah, I was like that to my ex.... or I'm still like that with my partner

As it's been pointed out that there is a lack of responsibility and a whole bunch of lying going on .... I'm giving all those in denial to come forward as a gaslighter"

See this is an interesting one. I've been watching married at first sight Australia series 10 and there's a couple Brontë and Harrison and both of them have been accusing each other of gaslighting. Now my money is actually on the male Harrison as being the actual gaslighter but is it always the one that consistently takes the upper hand as a result of that behaviour that is gaslighting or not?

Personally I think there is a vast difference between manipulative behaviour and gaslighting. Practically everyone manipulats their environment and people around them in one form or another.

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By *riving_Home_For_MimiWoman over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

So many times, and you don't realise until you get out of that situation. First time I was maybe 20? And it escalated to physical abuse, 2nd time I was 24, more coercive behaviour. Last time I was 25, also escalated to physical abuse.

It wasn't even a thing people talked about 20 years ago, even now I have moments of clarity about how I was treated.

I was the one that was made out to be taking advantage, cheating and being crazy. The last one even took me to the doctors to get me diagnosed!

Can spot it a mile away these days!

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By *emorefridaCouple over a year ago

La la land

"Every time this type of thread appears there follows a host of responses about how people recognise this as their ex...

How come no one ever says ... Oh yeah, I was like that to my ex.... or I'm still like that with my partner

As it's been pointed out that there is a lack of responsibility and a whole bunch of lying going on .... I'm giving all those in denial to come forward as a gaslighter"

Interesting point, which is a valid one. I did gaslight my gaslighter. Denied I was going leave that I was happy. He was voilent so there was a fear of retribution, but that doesn't negate the fact of what I did to him.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Every time this type of thread appears there follows a host of responses about how people recognise this as their ex...

How come no one ever says ... Oh yeah, I was like that to my ex.... or I'm still like that with my partner

As it's been pointed out that there is a lack of responsibility and a whole bunch of lying going on .... I'm giving all those in denial to come forward as a gaslighter

Erm there is a huge difference between massaging the truth for self preservation and gaslighting! The gaslighting in this case was massively effective because you are still blaming yourself

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Describes my c*nt ex to a tee. Pathological liar about everything .. big and small ...., always the victim when questioned or worse still called out even when i had evidence ..... I was crazy horrible wife ... then crazy bitch ex wife.

I questioned my own sanity and reality so many times before I finally had the courage to throw him out. He is still a liar I just refuse to be drawn into his drama these days.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Every time this type of thread appears there follows a host of responses about how people recognise this as their ex...

How come no one ever says ... Oh yeah, I was like that to my ex.... or I'm still like that with my partner

As it's been pointed out that there is a lack of responsibility and a whole bunch of lying going on .... I'm giving all those in denial to come forward as a gaslighter

Erm there is a huge difference between massaging the truth for self preservation and gaslighting! The gaslighting in this case was massively effective because you are still blaming yourself

Which is why victim blaming can be so damaging.

Accountability and ownership - yes, victim blaming - no.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Every time this type of thread appears there follows a host of responses about how people recognise this as their ex...

How come no one ever says ... Oh yeah, I was like that to my ex.... or I'm still like that with my partner

As it's been pointed out that there is a lack of responsibility and a whole bunch of lying going on .... I'm giving all those in denial to come forward as a gaslighter

Erm there is a huge difference between massaging the truth for self preservation and gaslighting! The gaslighting in this case was massively effective because you are still blaming yourself

Which is why victim blaming can be so damaging.

Accountability and ownership - yes, victim blaming - no. "

The difference between the gaslighter and gaslit is the fact that one feels remorse and the other doesn't know what that is.

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By *aucasian GhandiMan over a year ago

from my dad's left nut (Warwick)

Gaslighting can happen in a variety of ways. Some examples include:

Countering: This is when someone questions a person’s memory. They may say things such as, “Are you sure about that? You have a bad memory,” or “I think you are forgetting what really happened.”

Withholding: This involves someone pretending they do not understand the conversation, or refusing to listen, to make a person doubt themselves. For example, they might say, “Now you are just confusing me,” or “I do not know what you are talking about.”

Trivializing: This occurs when a person belittles or disregards how someone else feels. They may accuse them of being “too sensitive” or overreacting in response to valid and reasonable concerns.

Denial: Denial involves a person refusing to take responsibility for their actions. They may do this by pretending to forget what happened, saying they did not do it, or blaming their behavior on someone else.

Diverting: With this technique, a person changes the focus of a discussion by questioning the other person’s credibility. For example, they might say, “That is just nonsense you read on the internet. It is not real.”

Stereotyping: a person may intentionally use negative stereotypes about someone’s gender, race, ethnicity, sexuality, nationality, or age to gaslight them. For example, they may say that no one will believe a woman if she reports abuse.

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By *ansoffateMan over a year ago

Sagittarius A

"Every time this type of thread appears there follows a host of responses about how people recognise this as their ex...

How come no one ever says ... Oh yeah, I was like that to my ex.... or I'm still like that with my partner

As it's been pointed out that there is a lack of responsibility and a whole bunch of lying going on .... I'm giving all those in denial to come forward as a gaslighter

This is the difference for me, what you did was based on a rational threat to your self. What gaslighters do is based on an irrational perceived threat, their insecurity.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It's really good information and might help some see the signs to get help for it for both the victim and the perpetrator. However, I think those definitions will vary from person to person and their tolerance to it will vary as well to the point where gaslighting for one, might not be for another.

Essentially all I'm saying is, don't take those definitions word for word to attribute it to how you feel.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It's really good information and might help some see the signs to get help for it for both the victim and the perpetrator. However, I think those definitions will vary from person to person and their tolerance to it will vary as well to the point where gaslighting for one, might not be for another.

Essentially all I'm saying is, don't take those definitions word for word to attribute it to how you feel."

It may be one, two or all that occur too .

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By *emorefridaCouple over a year ago

La la land

"Every time this type of thread appears there follows a host of responses about how people recognise this as their ex...

How come no one ever says ... Oh yeah, I was like that to my ex.... or I'm still like that with my partner

As it's been pointed out that there is a lack of responsibility and a whole bunch of lying going on .... I'm giving all those in denial to come forward as a gaslighter

This is the difference for me, what you did was based on a rational threat to your self. What gaslighters do is based on an irrational perceived threat, their insecurity. "

Thanks for all the replies above, just will reply to one though. But what we have to be mindful of is that gaslighters are manipulative people. If he was on here I'm sure he could easily spin a sorry that would sound like he was angelic and I was a horrible piece of work.

I'm no angel though and I did do things that were questionable. Though I don't blame myself, I query if I could have done things better. But I think that is human nature, if you're not mean person by nature.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Essentially all I'm saying is, don't take those definitions word for word to attribute it to how you feel."

Fair enough but take the label away and there is still a behaviour that is utterly unacceptable in play here. When one person actively seeks to dominate another to disguise behaviour that they fully know is wrong - that is exponentially wrong beyond the original behaviour - call that behaviour what you like but it's the top level of wrongness

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I query if I could have done things better. But I think that is human nature, if you're not mean person by nature. "

A gaslighter will never query if they could have done things better. It's someone else's fault that they behaved how they did.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Essentially all I'm saying is, don't take those definitions word for word to attribute it to how you feel.

Ahhh I think that's the difference though, some may not willingly know that it's wrong but can want to change once they realise. I've been guilty of assigning blame and forcing accountability when things haven't gone the way I wanted to which could be a sign of me gaslighting, but that one in particular just really stood out to me because I don't like to think I've tried to harm people as a result.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Essentially all I'm saying is, don't take those definitions word for word to attribute it to how you feel.

Everyone knows deep inside what is right and wrong, yes people will justify but ultimately they know. Diminishing responsibility doesn't mean you aren't responsible.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Oh look. You just described my relationship with my ex fiancé.

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By *he_Secret_GardenWoman over a year ago

Naughty Lane

"Describes my ex perfectly

Yup...they are so sweet at start.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

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By *aucasian GhandiMan over a year ago

from my dad's left nut (Warwick)

Essentially all I'm saying is, don't take those definitions word for word to attribute it to how you feel."

What you'll find is that there are common behaviours that you see in both victim and perpetrators. On varying scales, generally the same types of behaviours are displayed amongst those who gaslight and those that are gaslit.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't? "

Reconcile with yourself that you did everything that you could. Lay it to bed and for want of a better term, build a bridge and get over it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't? "

Five years later, I still want to scream about it sometimes and I'm never going to say my piece either. The only thing that helps is reminding myself how happy I am without him. No regrets.

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By *aucasian GhandiMan over a year ago

from my dad's left nut (Warwick)

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Reconcile with yourself that you did everything that you could. Lay it to bed and for want of a better term, build a bridge and get over it

Sorry but "build a bridge and get over it" is so dismissive

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Reconcile with yourself that you did everything that you could. Lay it to bed and for want of a better term, build a bridge and get over it

I'm good most days. But every is often I get reminded of it all and then it just bubbles.

It's the reconciling bit that I did everything I could that's hard... Because I was belittled too.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Five years later, I still want to scream about it sometimes and I'm never going to say my piece either. The only thing that helps is reminding myself how happy I am without him. No regrets. "

five years later?

Oh god, please no. I'm sorry you went through it. I have no regrets either so I get that part. Maybe we should go find someone out in the wilderness together and just scream.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Reconcile with yourself that you did everything that you could. Lay it to bed and for want of a better term, build a bridge and get over it

Sorry but "build a bridge and get over it" is so dismissive "

Easier said than done.

Absolutely love your status by the way.

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By *aucasian GhandiMan over a year ago

from my dad's left nut (Warwick)

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Five years later, I still want to scream about it sometimes and I'm never going to say my piece either. The only thing that helps is reminding myself how happy I am without him. No regrets.

five years later?

Oh god, please no. I'm sorry you went through it. I have no regrets either so I get that part. Maybe we should go find someone out in the wilderness together and just scream. "

We're talking about trauma which has a lasting legacy within us. Unfortunately we can take time to heal from traumatic events, that have emotionally scarred us

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By *aucasian GhandiMan over a year ago

from my dad's left nut (Warwick)

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Reconcile with yourself that you did everything that you could. Lay it to bed and for want of a better term, build a bridge and get over it

Sorry but "build a bridge and get over it" is so dismissive

Easier said than done.

Absolutely love your status by the way. "

It's all about perception, there's more to my status but didn't have the word space

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Five years later, I still want to scream about it sometimes and I'm never going to say my piece either. The only thing that helps is reminding myself how happy I am without him. No regrets.

five years later?

Oh god, please no. I'm sorry you went through it. I have no regrets either so I get that part. Maybe we should go find someone out in the wilderness together and just scream.

We're talking about trauma which has a lasting legacy within us. Unfortunately we can take time to heal from traumatic events, that have emotionally scarred us "

I put oh god please no at the thought of me feeling the same for for 5 years and how horrible that must be for her.

But you're right it was a shitty comment from me.

I'm sorry bunny.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Five years later, I still want to scream about it sometimes and I'm never going to say my piece either. The only thing that helps is reminding myself how happy I am without him. No regrets.

five years later?

Oh god, please no. I'm sorry you went through it. I have no regrets either so I get that part. Maybe we should go find someone out in the wilderness together and just scream. "

Five years later it's not often and it passes more quickly. I find it super hard to get angry, I tend to get upset. But as soon as I remind myself that I'm free now - it starts to feel better.

Gaslighting can be a small thing they've done daily over a number of years so I guess it's not surprising it may take some time to rid ourselves of the spectre. And the anger. Even if it's suppressed. We can go shout together if it would help!

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By *aucasian GhandiMan over a year ago

from my dad's left nut (Warwick)

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Five years later, I still want to scream about it sometimes and I'm never going to say my piece either. The only thing that helps is reminding myself how happy I am without him. No regrets.

five years later?

Oh god, please no. I'm sorry you went through it. I have no regrets either so I get that part. Maybe we should go find someone out in the wilderness together and just scream.

We're talking about trauma which has a lasting legacy within us. Unfortunately we can take time to heal from traumatic events, that have emotionally scarred us

I put oh god please no at the thought of me feeling the same for for 5 years and how horrible that must be for her.

But you're right it was a shitty comment from me.

I'm sorry bunny. "

You have nothing to apologise for, I was just sharing my lived experience of trauma, and my experience of working with ppl with trauma

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Five years later, I still want to scream about it sometimes and I'm never going to say my piece either. The only thing that helps is reminding myself how happy I am without him. No regrets.

five years later?

Oh god, please no. I'm sorry you went through it. I have no regrets either so I get that part. Maybe we should go find someone out in the wilderness together and just scream.

We're talking about trauma which has a lasting legacy within us. Unfortunately we can take time to heal from traumatic events, that have emotionally scarred us

I put oh god please no at the thought of me feeling the same for for 5 years and how horrible that must be for her.

But you're right it was a shitty comment from me.

I'm sorry bunny. "

Have you tried taking it out on a pillow? Hands and knees on your bed, and beat that pillow and scream and roar.

Journaling can help too.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Five years later, I still want to scream about it sometimes and I'm never going to say my piece either. The only thing that helps is reminding myself how happy I am without him. No regrets.

five years later?

Oh god, please no. I'm sorry you went through it. I have no regrets either so I get that part. Maybe we should go find someone out in the wilderness together and just scream.

We're talking about trauma which has a lasting legacy within us. Unfortunately we can take time to heal from traumatic events, that have emotionally scarred us

I put oh god please no at the thought of me feeling the same for for 5 years and how horrible that must be for her.

But you're right it was a shitty comment from me.

I'm sorry bunny. "

You're good PW. It's not the same. Like any trauma, the impact lessens over time. He amped it up after we split 5 years ago, but I went grey rock and I'm still grey rock.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Five years later, I still want to scream about it sometimes and I'm never going to say my piece either. The only thing that helps is reminding myself how happy I am without him. No regrets.

five years later?

Oh god, please no. I'm sorry you went through it. I have no regrets either so I get that part. Maybe we should go find someone out in the wilderness together and just scream.

We're talking about trauma which has a lasting legacy within us. Unfortunately we can take time to heal from traumatic events, that have emotionally scarred us

I put oh god please no at the thought of me feeling the same for for 5 years and how horrible that must be for her.

But you're right it was a shitty comment from me.

I'm sorry bunny.

You're good PW. It's not the same. Like any trauma, the impact lessens over time. He amped it up after we split 5 years ago, but I went grey rock and I'm still grey rock.

Good on you for the gray rock part. That can be hard on itself.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Five years later, I still want to scream about it sometimes and I'm never going to say my piece either. The only thing that helps is reminding myself how happy I am without him. No regrets.

five years later?

Oh god, please no. I'm sorry you went through it. I have no regrets either so I get that part. Maybe we should go find someone out in the wilderness together and just scream.

We're talking about trauma which has a lasting legacy within us. Unfortunately we can take time to heal from traumatic events, that have emotionally scarred us

I put oh god please no at the thought of me feeling the same for for 5 years and how horrible that must be for her.

But you're right it was a shitty comment from me.

I'm sorry bunny.

Have you tried taking it out on a pillow? Hands and knees on your bed, and beat that pillow and scream and roar.

Journaling can help too. "

I don't get physically angry if that makes sense. I'd feel weird doing that, I'm not sure I could actually do it.

Plus I think the neighbour's might get a tad concerned at anything vocal.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Reconcile with yourself that you did everything that you could. Lay it to bed and for want of a better term, build a bridge and get over it

Sorry but "build a bridge and get over it" is so dismissive "

I am genuinely sorry if it comes across as dismissive. Unfortunately it's a massive simplification of what needs to be done.

Shall I simile here? Abseiling off a huge height can be hugely traumatic and for some seem impossible. But the only way of doing it is to lean back and let some rope out.

I'm not saying that leaning back is easy but you aren't abseiling without it. It's also a conscious decision - you can also decide in your own mind to move on. Put it this way people can try and push you over that edge but as long as you have a firm locking grip on the rope you are not moving from the top of that descent!

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By *aucasian GhandiMan over a year ago

from my dad's left nut (Warwick)

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Reconcile with yourself that you did everything that you could. Lay it to bed and for want of a better term, build a bridge and get over it

Sorry but "build a bridge and get over it" is so dismissive

I am genuinely sorry if it comes across as dismissive. Unfortunately it's a massive simplification of what needs to be done.

Shall I simile here? Abseiling off a huge height can be hugely traumatic and for some seem impossible. But the only way of doing it is to lean back and let some rope out.

Totally different concept, with abseiling you already have that conscious security net, the rope. Which you know will hold you, support you. It's got you which brings that sense of comfort, to be able to push through those fears lean back and let some rope out.

However, we're talking about the internal traumas and the feelings attachec, and with out the coping stragies in place. Or knowing how t9 access those functional coping mechanisms, there is no safety net to fall back on.

I personally just found the comment didn't sit right with me, so I spoke out. Yes I agree it's a massive over simplification of, just what a road it it is to even start to come to terms with traumatic experience. Which I don't think helps people, if they believe its a simple process..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Reconcile with yourself that you did everything that you could. Lay it to bed and for want of a better term, build a bridge and get over it

Sorry but "build a bridge and get over it" is so dismissive

I am genuinely sorry if it comes across as dismissive. Unfortunately it's a massive simplification of what needs to be done.

Shall I simile here? Abseiling off a huge height can be hugely traumatic and for some seem impossible. But the only way of doing it is to lean back and let some rope out.

You can go around the roundabout as many times as you want - you aren't getting off it until you take the exit. The action is simple, agreed the limitations are not but ultimately my comment stands - you have to give the rope slack or you'll remain at the top.

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By *aucasian GhandiMan over a year ago

from my dad's left nut (Warwick)

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Reconcile with yourself that you did everything that you could. Lay it to bed and for want of a better term, build a bridge and get over it

Sorry but "build a bridge and get over it" is so dismissive

I am genuinely sorry if it comes across as dismissive. Unfortunately it's a massive simplification of what needs to be done.

Shall I simile here? Abseiling off a huge height can be hugely traumatic and for some seem impossible. But the only way of doing it is to lean back and let some rope out.

So if the actions were so simple, why do people struggle so badly with the action.

Because they don't know how to put the action in to change. So there is a saying.

"If we're always in the jar we never see the label". I'll leave that with you.

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By *elisandre300Woman over a year ago

dontbefuckingnosey

this…

You’ve managed to explain really eloquently exactly what I wanted to say yet couldn’t.

I’ve run into a few people IRL and on here who are quick to blame others for this type of behaviour yet it’s them that are the manipulators. And it’s funny how you only see it (they’re manipulative behavior) when you reach out and talk to others who have had run ins with them… it’s also never the people you suspect it to be!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Genuinely never knew that this was what it meant. What is it when people ignore you? "

Do you mean silent treatment?

Like when you've had a disagreement and they refuse to see you, talk to you, message or call etc?

Silent treatment is usually defined as emotional abuse.

A form of punishment (aka control) designed to cause harm by making the victim feel powerless, invisible, insignificant and non existent.

That said people sometimes need space and time to calm down and process from a disagreement before reconnecting and talking things through. And different people can take different lengths of time to calm down and process.

Knowing the difference between when it's silent treatment and a calm down process is sometimes difficult to know. You need to know your partner well to know which it is. And this is how subtle abuse can creep in because while you're trying to work it out, its being done, then you're in the middle of it when you finally do work it out.

However I've experienced a case where someone said they needed time to process and calm before reconnecting when in fact I fully believe it was abusive silent treatment covered up by saying it was the other. And I fully believe that because that a cycle of behaviour showed it to be their reaction when things didn't go their way or wasn't of any benefit to them and the silent treatment got more lengthy each time.

It felt like I was being punished for not behaving how they thought I should or how they wanted me to. Especially if I had challenged them which was something they just couldn't deal with. They were always right and never wrong.

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By *hrista BellendWoman over a year ago

Delightful Bliss

This

I've seen people who gaslight, be gaslit themselves. They don't recognise that they do it, but can recognise when people do it to them. Its very bizarre

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By *hrista BellendWoman over a year ago

Delightful Bliss

Mafs australia has a master manipulator on there this season and watching his behaviour is very eye opening

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Genuinely never knew that this was what it meant. What is it when people ignore you?

Do you mean silent treatment?

Like when you've had a disagreement and they refuse to see you, talk to you, message or call etc?

Silent treatment is usually defined as emotional abuse.

A form of punishment (aka control) designed to cause harm by making the victim feel powerless, invisible, insignificant and non existent.

Oh this sounds familiar.

I used to get the silent treatment a lot. Even once we had kids.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Mafs australia has a master manipulator on there this season and watching his behaviour is very eye opening "

And his name is Harrison

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Mafs australia has a master manipulator on there this season and watching his behaviour is very eye opening

And his name is Harrison

I wanted to smash his face with a huge cake so many time!

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By *agic.MMan over a year ago

Orpington

"Oh stop complaining, you're like a baby"

"Not this again...just man up already"

"Clearly you're not man enough to handle a woman like me"

"Look at X and Y's relationship... they constantly argue (that's what couples do), but they still love eachother... he doesn't let that affect him... why can't you be like that"

Never again!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

""Oh stop complaining, you're like a baby"

"Not this again...just man up already"

"Clearly you're not man enough to handle a woman like me"

"Look at X and Y's relationship... they constantly argue (that's what couples do), but they still love eachother... he doesn't let that affect him... why can't you be like that"

Never again!"

sorry to read that. They're horrible things to hear.

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By *ilsaGeorgeCouple over a year ago

kent

I didn’t realise gaslighting included having your reputation trashed. I’m sitting here now trying to accept that along with the horrific emotional abuse and the attempted destruction of my career, I have been gaslighted on several occasions as well. I don’t know how I feel about this. It doesn’t make any difference at all, but in some ways it does. I can add it to the list of cruelties I’ve faced, but that doesn’t dilute the sense of injustice. I don’t know. Will be thinking on this for a long time.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

I had this happen to me in a relationship well over 30 years ago. He convinced me I was going mad. Tried denying things he said or twisting them around. Having mental health problems I did think it was my mind playing tricks on me. I'd never heard of gaslighting.

It's only in recent years I've heard of the term and yes he was a text book case

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I didn’t realise gaslighting included having your reputation trashed. I’m sitting here now trying to accept that along with the horrific emotional abuse and the attempted destruction of my career, I have been gaslighted on several occasions as well. I don’t know how I feel about this. It doesn’t make any difference at all, but in some ways it does. I can add it to the list of cruelties I’ve faced, but that doesn’t dilute the sense of injustice. I don’t know. Will be thinking on this for a long time. "

It does make a difference, doesn't it? Because you will be reevaluating things based on this new knowledge. I did the same when I realised about financial abuse. There is nothing to be done after the fact, but it's another thing to process.

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By *ilsaGeorgeCouple over a year ago

kent

It is another thing. Just another thing. Reevaluating is true. But I’m going to try not to dwell. Accepting that I have no power to change anything has been a hard journey. It’s not something I want to reopen.

Did you process? Did you find a way to be at peace?

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By *ansoffateMan over a year ago

Sagittarius A

"Genuinely never knew that this was what it meant. What is it when people ignore you?

Do you mean silent treatment?

Like when you've had a disagreement and they refuse to see you, talk to you, message or call etc?

Silent treatment is usually defined as emotional abuse.

A form of punishment (aka control) designed to cause harm by making the victim feel powerless, invisible, insignificant and non existent.

That's the creeping power shift approach. The intention is for you to become obsessed with keeping them happy. I've had that one. 'If you don't know why I am upset there's no point telling you.'. Very common.

I think, when you start trying to work your partner out you are entering into dangerous ground. If you are doing that then you aren't trusting them. It will sabotage the relationship.

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By *ubal1Man over a year ago

Newry Down

Gaslighting is remarkably common, but there is a way of stopping it at source; be ruthlessly blunt about calling out BS, instantly;

gaslighters love easy targets who don't speak out. If they realise that you won't tolerate BS of any kind, they will move onto a more gullible mark.

I used to hang around with a guy, decades ago, who would swear that black was white!

He got married to a naive gullible woman, and that provided the ideal time to terminate our so-called relationship.

Be blunt with these idiots and expose their BS.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Described two of my exes to a tee! Although one was extremely physically violent.

Mrs

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Gaslighting is remarkably common, but there is a way of stopping it at source; be ruthlessly blunt about calling out BS, instantly;

gaslighters love easy targets who don't speak out. If they realise that you won't tolerate BS of any kind, they will move onto a more gullible mark.

I used to hang around with a guy, decades ago, who would swear that black was white!

He got married to a naive gullible woman, and that provided the ideal time to terminate our so-called relationship.

Be blunt with these idiots and expose their BS."

Oh right, so we're just gullible?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Describes my ex perfectly

Yep same here…. I had no idea what she was doing to me and I blamed myself… what a fool.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

"Gaslighting is remarkably common, but there is a way of stopping it at source; be ruthlessly blunt about calling out BS, instantly;

gaslighters love easy targets who don't speak out. If they realise that you won't tolerate BS of any kind, they will move onto a more gullible mark.

I used to hang around with a guy, decades ago, who would swear that black was white!

He got married to a naive gullible woman, and that provided the ideal time to terminate our so-called relationship.

Be blunt with these idiots and expose their BS."
That's easier said then done. As I said earlier I had no idea what gaslighting was. It's nothing to be gullible. What I have learnt from this thread is I waant the only one. I put it to bed along time ago but seeing it written down makes me feel better. I didn't know I was being gaslighted as many women it's just informative threads like this where it makes sense

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By *un Times 1Man over a year ago

coventry

"I’ve done this before, looking at different forms of emotional abuse, and it’s been really interesting, so here we go.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a person attempts to control perception so that we start to question our own sanity.

The 5 Types Of Gaslighting:

Chronic Lying: a pattern of lying where once caught within a lie, instead of admitting the lie, your character is attacked ("you are so crazy!).

Over time, you second guess what is actually reality.

Chronic Blame: any time you have an issue, the person blames you for bringing that issue on, rather than taking accountability for their behavior.

Ex: "I wouldn't have done that if you weren't always on my case.

Narrative Creating: a pattern of re-creating a new narrative about how events went that doesn't actually match up with the events.

This makes one person the

"victim" while the other person questions their sanity.

Chronic Objecting: when you talk about the issue or try to hold the person accountable, they switch the topic and attempt to throw you off course.

Often feels like going in circles, and leaves you feeling defeated.

Reputation Smearing: a pattern of gossiping and discrediting a person in order to get people on 'their side' or to get sympathy.

This gives someone a sense of power over your reputation and how people perceive you.

I’m not claiming this as my own, this is taken from the holistic psychologist, who is an excellent resource.

Interesting to hear opinions, so you recognise it, aged you experienced it?

I was married to a Psychologist. I actually thought my perception of events was distorted. As when I got into a conversation with her,. I would say X,Y & Z happened. She would come back with C,X &W. I actually thought I was going insane.

Someone told me to record every conversation I had with her(Clandestinely). It was only after this that I was being Gaslighted/manipulated.

I used to present in front of large audiences. I can no longer do this as she had me convinced, that I was a very poor communicator. To this day, I still ask people do they understand what I have just said. That is one to one.

As you can imagine I am no longer married to that Woman.

Domestic abuse, is not about violence. It takes many forms. The trauma is long lasting.

It happens to Males as well as Females.

Males tend not to say anything. Just check out eventually.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Gaslighting is remarkably common, but there is a way of stopping it at source; be ruthlessly blunt about calling out BS, instantly;

gaslighters love easy targets who don't speak out. If they realise that you won't tolerate BS of any kind, they will move onto a more gullible mark.

I used to hang around with a guy, decades ago, who would swear that black was white!

He got married to a naive gullible woman, and that provided the ideal time to terminate our so-called relationship.

Be blunt with these idiots and expose their BS."

It’s not that simple.

People like this, they deliberately choose a vulnerable target that they can manipulate.

People pleasers are much less likely to call them out, and that’s why they choose them.

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By *ansoffateMan over a year ago

Sagittarius A

"I’ve done this before, looking at different forms of emotional abuse, and it’s been really interesting, so here we go.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a person attempts to control perception so that we start to question our own sanity.

The 5 Types Of Gaslighting:

Chronic Lying: a pattern of lying where once caught within a lie, instead of admitting the lie, your character is attacked ("you are so crazy!).

Over time, you second guess what is actually reality.

Chronic Blame: any time you have an issue, the person blames you for bringing that issue on, rather than taking accountability for their behavior.

Ex: "I wouldn't have done that if you weren't always on my case.

Narrative Creating: a pattern of re-creating a new narrative about how events went that doesn't actually match up with the events.

This makes one person the

"victim" while the other person questions their sanity.

Chronic Objecting: when you talk about the issue or try to hold the person accountable, they switch the topic and attempt to throw you off course.

Often feels like going in circles, and leaves you feeling defeated.

Reputation Smearing: a pattern of gossiping and discrediting a person in order to get people on 'their side' or to get sympathy.

This gives someone a sense of power over your reputation and how people perceive you.

I’m not claiming this as my own, this is taken from the holistic psychologist, who is an excellent resource.

Interesting to hear opinions, so you recognise it, aged you experienced it?

Someone told me to record every conversation I had with her(Clandestinely). It was only after this that I was being Gaslighted/manipulated.

As you can imagine I am no longer married to that Woman.

Domestic abuse, is not about violence. It takes many forms. The trauma is long lasting.

It happens to Males as well as Females.

Males tend not to say anything. Just check out eventually.

That's why I speak out about it. I spent years hiding it.

Rewriting history is the worst at causing you to lose faith in your judgment, I found.

After a while I would just give up hoping for an easier life. But no amount of control is ever enough for them. Control doesn't appease insecurity.

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By *aggonerMan over a year ago

for a penny

What about when someone gets found out and then claims they are the victim?

Is that gaslighting?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What about when someone gets found out and then claims they are the victim?

Is that gaslighting? "

It can absolutely happen like that. They can paint themselves as the victim, I think that is partly where reputation smearing will come into play.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Gaslighting is remarkably common, but there is a way of stopping it at source; be ruthlessly blunt about calling out BS, instantly;

gaslighters love easy targets who don't speak out. If they realise that you won't tolerate BS of any kind, they will move onto a more gullible mark.

I used to hang around with a guy, decades ago, who would swear that black was white!

He got married to a naive gullible woman, and that provided the ideal time to terminate our so-called relationship.

Be blunt with these idiots and expose their BS."

Caling out bullshit with someone who believes they are right will only get you into a massive conflict where they will do anything to argue their case. Even those that aren't gullible will stay quiet or only call it so far because deep down they know its absolutely fucking pointless to call out someone who will NOT have it that they are wrong. Those like that will argue it out, hold on to it and state their cases over and over until they have beat you into submission verbally or manipulated your way of thinking to convince you they are right. And they won't drop it until they are satisfied they have proved their point. And even then they will still reference it at the very least.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What about when someone gets found out and then claims they are the victim?

Is that gaslighting?

It can absolutely happen like that. They can paint themselves as the victim, I think that is partly where reputation smearing will come into play.

Don't you think also that there is cases where someone is the victim, will open up about it and look like they are smearing their abuser just by talking about it? Which then of course plays into the abusers hands to play the victim.

Which is why so many stay quiet and don't say anything. Fearing they won't be believed and end up worse off for it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What about when someone gets found out and then claims they are the victim?

Is that gaslighting?

It can absolutely happen like that. They can paint themselves as the victim, I think that is partly where reputation smearing will come into play.

Which is why so many stay quiet and don't say anything. Fearing they won't be believed and end up worse off for it.

Yes, this too. There’s a lot of fear involved.

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By *ansoffateMan over a year ago

Sagittarius A

"Gaslighting is remarkably common, but there is a way of stopping it at source; be ruthlessly blunt about calling out BS, instantly;

gaslighters love easy targets who don't speak out. If they realise that you won't tolerate BS of any kind, they will move onto a more gullible mark.

I used to hang around with a guy, decades ago, who would swear that black was white!

He got married to a naive gullible woman, and that provided the ideal time to terminate our so-called relationship.

Be blunt with these idiots and expose their BS.

Disagree with that one, depending on context. If someone is telling you what you think. You have to stand your ground on that. And repeatedly if necessary.

If it's some neutral subject matter then sure. But a person's thoughts aren't neutral ground. They belong to the person. A person's inability to trust isn't grounds to tell someone they are wrong about their own mind.

I can't recall ever feeling entitled enough to tell someone what they think. I've got insecure and asked for reassurance. It's a beautiful thing when someone is willing to be vulnerable like that - I really respect that.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Gaslighting is remarkably common, but there is a way of stopping it at source; be ruthlessly blunt about calling out BS, instantly;

gaslighters love easy targets who don't speak out. If they realise that you won't tolerate BS of any kind, they will move onto a more gullible mark.

I used to hang around with a guy, decades ago, who would swear that black was white!

He got married to a naive gullible woman, and that provided the ideal time to terminate our so-called relationship.

Be blunt with these idiots and expose their BS.

Disagree with that one, depending on context. If someone is telling you what you think. You have to stand your ground on that. And repeatedly if necessary.

Maybe apply what I said to dealing with a narcissist.

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By *ansoffateMan over a year ago

Sagittarius A

"Gaslighting is remarkably common, but there is a way of stopping it at source; be ruthlessly blunt about calling out BS, instantly;

gaslighters love easy targets who don't speak out. If they realise that you won't tolerate BS of any kind, they will move onto a more gullible mark.

I used to hang around with a guy, decades ago, who would swear that black was white!

He got married to a naive gullible woman, and that provided the ideal time to terminate our so-called relationship.

Be blunt with these idiots and expose their BS.

Disagree with that one, depending on context. If someone is telling you what you think. You have to stand your ground on that. And repeatedly if necessary.

Maybe apply what I said to dealing with a narcissist. "

Gray rock? Sure that's effective if you just want to get rid of them.

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By *isionofdignityWoman over a year ago

reading

My father and my brother have the majority of these traits and growing up watching my mother deal with it was terrible becoming a beaten down person . I grew up with that too and have literally just walked away from one of them vowing I would never be spoken to like that again .

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You described most people on fab

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By *ellinever70Woman over a year ago

Ayrshire

"You described most people on fab

Or their ex

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You described most people on fab

Really? Have you read the thread and the kind of experiences people have had? Gaslighting is emotional abuse. Often over a prolonged period.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Gaslighting is remarkably common, but there is a way of stopping it at source; be ruthlessly blunt about calling out BS, instantly;

gaslighters love easy targets who don't speak out. If they realise that you won't tolerate BS of any kind, they will move onto a more gullible mark.

I used to hang around with a guy, decades ago, who would swear that black was white!

He got married to a naive gullible woman, and that provided the ideal time to terminate our so-called relationship.

Be blunt with these idiots and expose their BS.

They will also play it in the background as well. They will tell you that you are right to your face and then systematically get everyone else around you to tell you that you are wrong, sometimes spending months going around it until at a suitable point they publicly gang up on you in a very embarrassing way and humiliate you so that you never argue with them again!!

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By *hrista BellendWoman over a year ago

Delightful Bliss

"You described most people on fab

Really? Have you read the thread and the kind of experiences people have had? Gaslighting is emotional abuse. Often over a prolonged period. "

It's actually very common on dating sites and especially in fwb relationships. I've been on here 4 years and seen it destroy forum fwb couples time and time again

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You described most people on fab

Really? Have you read the thread and the kind of experiences people have had? Gaslighting is emotional abuse. Often over a prolonged period.

It's actually very common on dating sites and especially in fwb relationships. I've been on here 4 years and seen it destroy forum fwb couples time and time again"

I wasn't denying it happens here. Of course it does. But suggesting that most people here gaslight is minimising it.

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By *ansoffateMan over a year ago

Sagittarius A

"Gaslighting is remarkably common, but there is a way of stopping it at source; be ruthlessly blunt about calling out BS, instantly;

gaslighters love easy targets who don't speak out. If they realise that you won't tolerate BS of any kind, they will move onto a more gullible mark.

I used to hang around with a guy, decades ago, who would swear that black was white!

He got married to a naive gullible woman, and that provided the ideal time to terminate our so-called relationship.

Be blunt with these idiots and expose their BS.

Yeah I've had that done to me that was nasty. Never looked at that as gaslighting though. I can see how that works. I don't like when people collude in groups, it puts me off people if I see it happening. Antilocution that's the word I was looking for. Sleazy form of bullying ganging up. Like my uncle said to me pick out the leader and pop him the nose, even if you lose you'll feel better about yourself. Never had a bullying issue after that.

That's quite reassuring because I only ever go for women that speak their minds. But that's because I have hyper-vigilance around consent. I need to know it's what they want. That feelings and desires are mutual.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The problem with mental abuse like that is other than cutting them out of your life there really isn't alot that you can do to combat it. Particularly difficult if you have kids with them and worse still when you see them passing that behaviour pattern down.

I still don't know how to manage this individual who's belief system is so strong its almost radicalised that she has never done anything wrong in her life ever. She kept my daughter out of my life by making her borderline suicidal and my son is slipping away from me daily as well now.

We went to councilling and he told me flatly that he had never in all his years of doing it met anyone as emotionally closed down as her - that was his way of advising me to cut my losses.

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By *ritishguyMan over a year ago

chatburn

Someone has been watching MafsAU,

Lol

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By *ansoffateMan over a year ago

Sagittarius A

"The problem with mental abuse like that is other than cutting them out of your life there really isn't alot that you can do to combat it. Particularly difficult if you have kids with them and worse still when you see them passing that behaviour pattern down.

We went to councilling and he told me flatly that he had never in all his years of doing it met anyone as emotionally closed down as her - that was his way of advising me to cut my losses."

That sucks I hate seeing that happen. I have a mate I've known since I was 3 and his ex is doing similar to him. Hasn't seen his kids for years. He is an absolute star of a guy and it has left him devastated. He's managed to get it into court and her BS is all unravelling now. She still refuses to accpet it.

For me I was so close to leaving, I appreciate you pointing that out. A lot of the advice on here is how to get rid of them. Not so easy when you have kids and you are worried about leaving them with your partner, due to how bad her MH is. It was this pattern of: absolutely lovely towards me; withdrawal; psychological abuse; accusation; realisation she was being paranoid - back to step 1. It was so draining and disorientating.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Well this is why I stuck with it for the best part of ten years. I put up with it all as I knew how it would go after we split up. To a degree I was trying to protect my kids from her and her mother - the pattern actually stretches back to her grandmother and it's a horrible thing to say but I seriously hope that my kids don't have kids as I can't see any other way of the cycle getting broken.

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By *ansoffateMan over a year ago

Sagittarius A

"Well this is why I stuck with it for the best part of ten years. I put up with it all as I knew how it would go after we split up. To a degree I was trying to protect my kids from her and her mother - the pattern actually stretches back to her grandmother and it's a horrible thing to say but I seriously hope that my kids don't have kids as I can't see any other way of the cycle getting broken."

Feel for you - I can understand why you would say that. My daughters have said they never want their own kids. I don't want anymore either. After she died, I was ready to date again, first thing I did was get the snip.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Someone has been watching MafsAU,

Lol"

Nope. I’ve done these kinds of threads before, they can be really useful for people.

Sometimes people don’t realise what’s happening to them, they are so stuck in a vicious cycle, whether it’s because their self esteem has been reduced to nothing or the abuse has crept in so insidiously.

Sometimes people can recognise something happening to someone they know etc …

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm still trying to heal from a few of these done more recently.

Upset and anger come in waves. I would love to say my piece to that person, but I know it's completely pointless. Makes me want to scream.

What do you do with that urge to scream when you just can't?

Reconcile with yourself that you did everything that you could. Lay it to bed and for want of a better term, build a bridge and get over it

Sorry but "build a bridge and get over it" is so dismissive

I am genuinely sorry if it comes across as dismissive. Unfortunately it's a massive simplification of what needs to be done.

Shall I simile here? Abseiling off a huge height can be hugely traumatic and for some seem impossible. But the only way of doing it is to lean back and let some rope out.

So if the actions were so simple, why do people struggle so badly with the action.

Because they don't know how to put the action in to change. So there is a saying.

** "If we're always in the jar we never see the label". ** I'll leave that with you."

** I like this.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Someone has been watching MafsAU,

Lol

Nope. I’ve done these kinds of threads before, they can be really useful for people.

Sometimes people can recognise something happening to someone they know etc …"

It's been very useful.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Someone has been watching MafsAU,

Lol

Nope. I’ve done these kinds of threads before, they can be really useful for people.

Sometimes people can recognise something happening to someone they know etc …

It's been very useful.

Thank you

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You described most people on fab

Really? Have you read the thread and the kind of experiences people have had? Gaslighting is emotional abuse. Often over a prolonged period.

It's actually very common on dating sites and especially in fwb relationships. I've been on here 4 years and seen it destroy forum fwb couples time and time again

I wasn't denying it happens here. Of course it does. But suggesting that most people here gaslight is minimising it."

It was a tongue in cheek. But it does seem to happen a lot.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You described most people on fab

Or their ex"

Yes ! But they, themselves, have never done it to someone.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Someone has been watching MafsAU,

Lol

Nope. I’ve done these kinds of threads before, they can be really useful for people.

Sometimes people can recognise something happening to someone they know etc …

It's been very useful.

I'd agree.

It wasn't until I told my friend all about my relationship with my ex that I even thought of it this way. When you love someone it's easy to be blinded by that.

We've been split up 2 years and he still does these things, still slags me off, still insists it was all my fault and he did nothing wrong.

It's draining.

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By *ansexualPandaMan over a year ago

Near You

Part of the reason I found myself not wanting kids is that I don't want to turn out like my old man, who was my OG gaslighter and emotional manipulator. I've tried very hard to ensure that I never end up acting the same as him.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Someone has been watching MafsAU,

Lol

Nope. I’ve done these kinds of threads before, they can be really useful for people.

Sometimes people can recognise something happening to someone they know etc …

It's been very useful.

I'd agree.

It wasn't until I told my friend all about my relationship with my ex that I even thought of it this way. When you love someone it's easy to be blinded by that.

We've been split up 2 years and he still does these things, still slags me off, still insists it was all my fault and he did nothing wrong.

It's draining.

This is why I only communicate with my ex through email via a third party. Grey rock all the way was the only solution or he'd be doing it still!

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By *hrista BellendWoman over a year ago

Delightful Bliss

"Someone has been watching MafsAU,

Lol"

Actually watching him do it has opened many many eyes as to what it actually is. Being groomed by a master manipulator, you don't realise what's going on. But to see it happen to someone is very real and I hope will let people finally realise that they are with a toxic partner

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