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Is this unreasonable?
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
I live with my son and my exes grown up son, the exes son has an absolute vile attitude girlfriend who makes no secret of the fact she thinks we are way beneath her and too good to even talk too (it’s not personal she thinks she is above everyone) on top of that she has complained about how I run my business (exes son works for me) tries to convince the exes son to take time off, takes up a large percentage of his work day replying to her 5000 texts and countless other inconsiderate things, I’ve recently had to completely redo a few small jobs at work that he rushed/bodged as was too distracted by her texting. I despise her being in my house and have made this clear yet he persists bringing her in, is it unreasonable to tell him she can’t come back? I do t want to be selfish but I’m just sick to death of her being here when she thinks she’s too good to even speak to anyone |
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What would be best for your son?
Does she make him happy?
You might not like this girl, but you have to come to terms that your son does.
It's not worth straining your relationship with your son over a girl.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Nope, not unreasonable. What does your son think of her?
I would be saying to her 'it's obvious you don't like being here and it's obvious you feel like you don't fit in with us, maybe you and your boyfriend could look for elsewhere to live'
If that fails then 'fuck off' should suffice.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yeah, that sounds pretty rough. I think to some degree it's something you have to sick up as a parent (not really liking their partners), but if it's effecting your business too you're certainly allowed to to tactfully say your bit.
Regardless, setting boundaries is important in any relationship dynamic - might be worth sitting down with him alone in a non-confrontational and talking about it. Ease into it slowly then start asking asking him questions.
*Disclaimer: I am not a parent or parental figure and probably not the best for advice* |
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Whenever she comes around wait until she’s asleep and loosen the heel on one of her shoes with some pliers so it breaks when she’s left.
It’s the little victories that give solace in these situations. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whenever she comes around wait until she’s asleep and loosen the heel on one of her shoes with some pliers so it breaks when she’s left.
It’s the little victories that give solace in these situations."
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By *viatrixWoman
over a year ago
Redhill |
I was brought up by my parents as “their house, their rules” no matter how old I was. I hold the same thing in my home, however, my kids are still teenagers and they rarely bring friends home.
I’d just tell him she is not welcome and prompt him to do better at work and keep the phone off/away during work hours. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whenever she comes around wait until she’s asleep and loosen the heel on one of her shoes with some pliers so it breaks when she’s left.
It’s the little victories that give solace in these situations."
I was gonna come in with something along the lines of having a stern word and banning phones at work but this idea is much better  |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
Thanks you every single one who took the time to replies and thank you for the funny ones they cheered me up. Enough people have agreed it’s not unreasonable to convince me to proceed with telling him in morning not to fetch her back
Thank you all |
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Just a counter view. I don't disagree that "your house, your rules", but it is his girlfriend. If you tell him she can't come over, do you risk falling out with him? Is it worth that? Is there not a middle ground where you could talk to him, short of effectively banning his girlfriend from the house?
She sounds awful, but I'd be cautious about my relationship with my son. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just a counter view. I don't disagree that "your house, your rules", but it is his girlfriend. If you tell him she can't come over, do you risk falling out with him? Is it worth that? Is there not a middle ground where you could talk to him, short of effectively banning his girlfriend from the house?
She sounds awful, but I'd be cautious about my relationship with my son."
I agree tbh, even if their relationship is ultimately temporary he'll side with his heart (cock), and won't realise until later down the line.
There's a need to approach this very tactfully where you both can see the issues. |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"Just a counter view. I don't disagree that "your house, your rules", but it is his girlfriend. If you tell him she can't come over, do you risk falling out with him? Is it worth that? Is there not a middle ground where you could talk to him, short of effectively banning his girlfriend from the house?
She sounds awful, but I'd be cautious about my relationship with my son.
I agree tbh, even if their relationship is ultimately temporary he'll side with his heart (cock), and won't realise until later down the line.
There's a need to approach this very tactfully where you both can see the issues."
You could always convince him she's the best thing since sliced bread and that he should move in with her.
Tomorrow. Or the day after.
A |
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I would tell him that he has two options. His girlfriend either needs to show more respect when she’s visiting or she’s not welcome to come round at all.
I would also tell him that his phone needs to be switched off / left in work van until he’s on his break and if he messes up any jobs again you’ll be docking his wages.
They’re both taking the piss out of you in my opinion. If he’s got a problem with it I’d be telling him to find a new job and a new place to live  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bin her off mate, business fail because of jobs not done properly, it’s your house she should show some fucking respect, if your lad likes her enough then he should try living with her for a bit then he will know, life costs money, which is why people work, if she can do a job and earn enough to contribute half to her and your sons upkeep and put her money where her mouth is then let her, freeriding and gobbing off about it is not accepting adult responsibility, there’s a lot in here but I’d be showing her the door |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I just think you've to be careful (as a parent/guardian) not to forcefully drive a wedge.
I'm guessing by your age he's around 20, but I think I was still pretty immature even in my late twenties. |
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Sort the employment issue, just as you would with any other employee. Do that in business hours only.
You need to speak with him, when there's no ill-feeling, about your home life. He needs to understand your feelings and you'll both ideally reach a plan together. It may take more than 1 good chat, to get a good conclusion. I sense you're at the point of banning her, etc because there's not been enough talking and sharing, to date. I'd avoid kneejerk hard impulse reactions now, because your relationship is important and reaching a balanced outcome that leaves you well and satisfied is important |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sort the employment issue, just as you would with any other employee. Do that in business hours only.
You need to speak with him, when there's no ill-feeling, about your home life. He needs to understand your feelings and you'll both ideally reach a plan together. It may take more than 1 good chat, to get a good conclusion. I sense you're at the point of banning her, etc because there's not been enough talking and sharing, to date. I'd avoid kneejerk hard impulse reactions now, because your relationship is important and reaching a balanced outcome that leaves you well and satisfied is important "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just a counter view. I don't disagree that "your house, your rules", but it is his girlfriend. If you tell him she can't come over, do you risk falling out with him? Is it worth that? Is there not a middle ground where you could talk to him, short of effectively banning his girlfriend from the house?
She sounds awful, but I'd be cautious about my relationship with my son."
Not his son. It's his exes son.
Does ponder the question why her exes son lives with him rather than his mum, but that's not the point here.
I had my exes daughter live with me for 3 years. (Long story).
She moved out last year, but the way she did so was so disrespectful, I ended up bringing it up with her - and she thought I was being unreasonable - after everything I'd done for her.
We no longer speak.
Your house OP, your rules, and ypu deserve more respect - from both of them |
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"Just a counter view. I don't disagree that "your house, your rules", but it is his girlfriend. If you tell him she can't come over, do you risk falling out with him? Is it worth that? Is there not a middle ground where you could talk to him, short of effectively banning his girlfriend from the house?
She sounds awful, but I'd be cautious about my relationship with my son.
Not his son. It's his exes son.
Does ponder the question why her exes son lives with him rather than his mum, but that's not the point here.
I had my exes daughter live with me for 3 years. (Long story).
She moved out last year, but the way she did so was so disrespectful, I ended up bringing it up with her - and she thought I was being unreasonable - after everything I'd done for her.
We no longer speak.
Your house OP, your rules, and ypu deserve more respect - from both of them"
I'd assumed, given that they lived together, he was close to his ex's son that he considered him his son. Maybe unfairly. I don't know his situation, obviously. But I personally know I would be cautious about a relationship with someone I cared about, that's all. |
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By *odevilWoman
over a year ago
exeter |
If its your house, you get to say who's allowed in.
I would exercise caution though - you run the risk of pushing them closer together.
I would also say that the sons job is his own responsibility. If he messes up doing his job, that's on him rather than her.
I think my solution would be to sit them down together and explain what sort of behaviour is/not acceptable and and warn that if she/they cannot be respectful of house rules and work responsibilities, she will not be welcome in the house and he will be disciplined appropriately at work.
That to me isn't unreasonable. |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
Thank you all again for taking time out to reply
To elaborate on a few things mentioned, he is the exes son but does not like his mother and we have a really good relationship so chose to stay living with me when we parted and had met his mother when he was only 4 he’s now 21
He is also aware her behaviour and attitude cause issues and has parted from her before because it he’s the first to admit she is a horrible snob
He also isn’t allowed at her house as her mother doesent like him so that’s not an option
Thanks again for comments I’m pleased the vast majority agree as it makes me feel better about the decision
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"Maybe she's feeding off your perceived attitude towards her and that's why she doesn't talk to you "
Maybe you missed the part in the original quote what said she’s like that with everyone? I was very welcoming of her at first believing her to be just shy but after getting hospitality thrown in face and snide comments made about my work when I’d been nothing but nice is what formed my perceived attitude towards her. |
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I think this requires care. She sounds like the type of person who is highly manipulative and it's quite possible that, forced to make a choice, your son would chose her over you and your job. Such people will only move on when their current victim has had enough and starts putting in boundaries. This will be far harder for him to do if she has successfully separated him from his support network of friends, family and employment. My best mate got himself in the exact same kind of relationship and within 9 months had lost contact with half his family and pushed away most of his friends. It was an incredibly difficult time being honest with him whilst being careful not to play into her hands and risk losing a brother. Thankfully, he trusted me above her and slowly came to realise who and what she was. It's taken him many years to recover.
It is all to easy to react to the situation with the kind of "my way or the high way" advice you've been given but if you care about your son I'd caution a bit more care. People like her ruin lives and move on without a care in the world. This is a major reason why I speak out against the constant narrative that domestic abuse is something men do to women. This is a really dangerous attitude. If the genders were reversed people would be pointing out that this sounds like an abusive relationship. As it is the assumption is that he's in the wrong for failing to stand up to her.  |
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Not unreasonable. My mom banned my brother's "girlfriend" from our house after she caused drama at the yearly family trip last year that nearly got my brother arrested and ending with us having temporary custody of her daughter until her grandma could pick her up |
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By *ez669Man
over a year ago
East Kilbride |
Personally I think it's a difficult one if you just tell her not to visit the house again as this could esculate to problems with your ex and her son. The way I would approch it is take the piss out of her every time she's there so she will eventually make the dissiaion that she no longer want to come round |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If his relationship is affecting your business like you wrote, speak to him directly about WORK and remind him what he needs to do.
About relationship- mind your business, he’s old enough to make decisions in his life. He’s an adult. You can guide him or give him advice but that’s it.
Mrs |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I get that it could rock the boat with the boy and put a strain on your relationship, but it's your house, you deserve respect in your house. If she cannot be respectful.and keep her opinions to herself then she should not be welcome.
Ban the phone during work hours, a lot of places don't allow phones whilst working apart from when on lunch breaks. |
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"Maybe she's feeding off your perceived attitude towards her and that's why she doesn't talk to you
Maybe you missed the part in the original quote what said she’s like that with everyone? I was very welcoming of her at first believing her to be just shy but after getting hospitality thrown in face and snide comments made about my work when I’d been nothing but nice is what formed my perceived attitude towards her."
You conveniently missed that part out in your opening post |
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I've re read the OP and if I read it correctly it's not your biological son that's dating her but exes son who lives with you correct?
How old are they both?
How long have they been seeing each other?
And big question does she know your ex and still in contact with her? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If someone is making snide comments, that’s toxicity and to what end, of you yourself was in a manipulating relationship you would end it or at least you should, what happens if he gets her pregnant then she has him under her thumb for the next two decades, toxic relationships belong in the bin doesn’t matter what side is what male female gay straight whatever, if one person is making remarks about something that they are not qualified to do ie work (she doesn’t work with you, is she in the trade, knowledgeable?) then to what end is she making the comments, it’s unproductive unsettling so what’s the motive, she has no end goal other to exert power on the situation, you see men do this with women all the time, they exert a level of power they don’t actually need to use, it’s controlling narcissistic behaviour, this has got red flags all over it |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"Maybe she's feeding off your perceived attitude towards her and that's why she doesn't talk to you
Maybe you missed the part in the original quote what said she’s like that with everyone? I was very welcoming of her at first believing her to be just shy but after getting hospitality thrown in face and snide comments made about my work when I’d been nothing but nice is what formed my perceived attitude towards her.
You conveniently missed that part out in your opening post "
No I didn’t it says in the 4th and 5th line how she is like that with everyone |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"I've re read the OP and if I read it correctly it's not your biological son that's dating her but exes son who lives with you correct?
How old are they both?
How long have they been seeing each other?
And big question does she know your ex and still in contact with her?"
Yes it’s the exes son but still lives with me
They both are 21 and have been seeing each other a year and a half but with some breaks
She doesent know the ex they started dating while the ex still lived here but the ex already knew of her and didn’t like her from the get go whereas at first I gave benefit of doubt and told the ex give her chance and let him be as long as he happy so won’t be in contact with her the exes son doesent even speak to his mother |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think this requires care. She sounds like the type of person who is highly manipulative and it's quite possible that, forced to make a choice, your son would chose her over you and your job. Such people will only move on when their current victim has had enough and starts putting in boundaries. This will be far harder for him to do if she has successfully separated him from his support network of friends, family and employment. My best mate got himself in the exact same kind of relationship and within 9 months had lost contact with half his family and pushed away most of his friends. It was an incredibly difficult time being honest with him whilst being careful not to play into her hands and risk losing a brother. Thankfully, he trusted me above her and slowly came to realise who and what she was. It's taken him many years to recover.
It is all to easy to react to the situation with the kind of "my way or the high way" advice you've been given but if you care about your son I'd caution a bit more care. People like her ruin lives and move on without a care in the world. This is a major reason why I speak out against the constant narrative that domestic abuse is something men do to women. This is a really dangerous attitude. If the genders were reversed people would be pointing out that this sounds like an abusive relationship. As it is the assumption is that he's in the wrong for failing to stand up to her. "
Very much agree.
OP don't lose the friendship with him. Listen to him. |
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By *929 OP Man
over a year ago
newcastle |
"If someone is making snide comments, that’s toxicity and to what end, of you yourself was in a manipulating relationship you would end it or at least you should, what happens if he gets her pregnant then she has him under her thumb for the next two decades, toxic relationships belong in the bin doesn’t matter what side is what male female gay straight whatever, if one person is making remarks about something that they are not qualified to do ie work (she doesn’t work with you, is she in the trade, knowledgeable?) then to what end is she making the comments, it’s unproductive unsettling so what’s the motive, she has no end goal other to exert power on the situation, you see men do this with women all the time, they exert a level of power they don’t actually need to use, it’s controlling narcissistic behaviour, this has got red flags all over it"
You are correct in thst mate she basically wants his only social contact to be with her friends and family while completely refusing to associate with his I have tried saying the same things you pointed out that if he has a bairn with her only her side will be allowed anything to do with the bairn if they get a house only her lot will be allowed to visit ect, she insists on the code for his phone and regularly goes through it, tells him he can’t be on his phone when together. One day at work his snap chat location showed he was next to another lass who must have lived on the street we work and she went ballistic phoning and texting. Would persuade him to skip training ect he does see all this as it caused them to split but he went back to her but now keeps it a bit backed off |
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
"If someone is making snide comments, that’s toxicity and to what end, of you yourself was in a manipulating relationship you would end it or at least you should, what happens if he gets her pregnant then she has him under her thumb for the next two decades, toxic relationships belong in the bin doesn’t matter what side is what male female gay straight whatever, if one person is making remarks about something that they are not qualified to do ie work (she doesn’t work with you, is she in the trade, knowledgeable?) then to what end is she making the comments, it’s unproductive unsettling so what’s the motive, she has no end goal other to exert power on the situation, you see men do this with women all the time, they exert a level of power they don’t actually need to use, it’s controlling narcissistic behaviour, this has got red flags all over it
You are correct in thst mate she basically wants his only social contact to be with her friends and family while completely refusing to associate with his I have tried saying the same things you pointed out that if he has a bairn with her only her side will be allowed anything to do with the bairn if they get a house only her lot will be allowed to visit ect, she insists on the code for his phone and regularly goes through it, tells him he can’t be on his phone when together. One day at work his snap chat location showed he was next to another lass who must have lived on the street we work and she went ballistic phoning and texting. Would persuade him to skip training ect he does see all this as it caused them to split but he went back to her but now keeps it a bit backed off "
In time he will see that that is not healthy. The sooner the better imo but you can't tell them. Families hey? |
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