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Am I the bad one?
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I just found out that my firstborn son, was in fact fathered by someone else.
That was 8.5 years ago, and a further 3 kids with her.
I had my suspicions, and started to play away after lock downs. I got found out, and she separated from me based on a "lack of trust"
I'm very confused at the moment... Am I the baddie here?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You absolutely both are
Don't get me wrong what she has done is repugnant but your response to the situation was not the best was it.
I get you might feel validated in doing it but you just stooped yourself to that level. You did something similar for revenge so now your argument is moot. |
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"You absolutely both are
Don't get me wrong what she has done is repugnant but your response to the situation was not the best was it.
I get you might feel validated in doing it but you just stooped yourself to that level. You did something similar for revenge so now your argument is moot. "
Its a little deeper than as I've explained. But thanks for your opinion |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Both as bad as each other by the sounds of it. Sorry to hear about the paternity though, that’s never a nice feeling. If you’ve raised him for 8.5 years it shouldn’t make much difference to your relationship with him. Just cos you’re not the father doesn’t mean you’re not the dad! My step daughters are my own, biologically not but in every other sense they are |
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"Sounds like neither of you are happy in your relationship.
So.. you could split up, sort your shit out or both agree to have an open relationship. "
Oh she left me and has already moved in with her new bf |
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By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago
Fabville |
"Sounds like neither of you are happy in your relationship.
So.. you could split up, sort your shit out or both agree to have an open relationship.
Oh she left me and has already moved in with her new bf"
Then get your shit together for your children's sakes. |
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By *nkyCplCouple
over a year ago
Northampton |
"Sounds like neither of you are happy in your relationship.
So.. you could split up, sort your shit out or both agree to have an open relationship.
Oh she left me and has already moved in with her new bf
Then get your shit together for your children's sakes."
This! |
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"Sounds like neither of you are happy in your relationship.
So.. you could split up, sort your shit out or both agree to have an open relationship.
Oh she left me and has already moved in with her new bf
Then get your shit together for your children's sakes."
Exactly its the kids that suffer. |
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"Sounds like neither of you are happy in your relationship.
So.. you could split up, sort your shit out or both agree to have an open relationship.
Oh she left me and has already moved in with her new bf
Then get your shit together for your children's sakes.
This! "
I'm doing my best folks, I've only know a few days.
Thank you all for your comments |
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"I just found out that my firstborn son, was in fact fathered by someone else.
That was 8.5 years ago, and a further 3 kids with her.
I had my suspicions, and started to play away after lock downs. I got found out, and she separated from me based on a "lack of trust"
I'm very confused at the moment... Am I the baddie here?
"
If you had your suspicions when the eldest was born why didnt you question it or ask for a dna test, as now you have 3 more kids with her, and will always be in each others lives, no matter what. |
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"I just found out that my firstborn son, was in fact fathered by someone else.
That was 8.5 years ago, and a further 3 kids with her.
I had my suspicions, and started to play away after lock downs. I got found out, and she separated from me based on a "lack of trust"
I'm very confused at the moment... Am I the baddie here?
If you had your suspicions when the eldest was born why didnt you question it or ask for a dna test, as now you have 3 more kids with her, and will always be in each others lives, no matter what."
I had no clue at the time, I was swept away with becoming a father. Then twins came less than a year later, they were ill all the time, so I suppose I just didn't realise the differences amongst them.
Don't get me wrong I love kid1, truly I do
It's her hypocrisy that has hurt me so much |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sounds like neither of you are happy in your relationship.
So.. you could split up, sort your shit out or both agree to have an open relationship.
Oh she left me and has already moved in with her new bf
Then get your shit together for your children's sakes.
This!
I'm doing my best folks, I've only know a few days.
Thank you all for your comments "
It’s gonna take a while to fully sink in so give yourself a bit of a break. As said above, it’s not the child’s fault and I’m sure you’ll do the right thing and carry on being dad to them all.
As for you cheating, I guess you know now that the better choice would have been to talk to your partner when you had suspicions? It’s a lesson learned.
People are being harsh here because on paper it looks like you’re the one who’s split the family so this probably isn’t the place for you to get support which you obviously need. Try asking your gp for counselling, or have a look for a local counselling service so you can get a bit of outside help to get your head straight. And good luck  |
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By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago
Fabville |
"
It's her hypocrisy that has hurt me so much "
You've only known for a few days, yet you've been on Fab for a few months...
It sounds like neither of you have covered yourselves in glory, and that you both need to put the children to the front and foremost. |
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Goodies v baddies are the emotional reactions towards each other for what you've done to each other.
Good v bad, right v wrong are not what matters here.
The children you have are all that matters.
Yes, you may not be the paternal father to one of them, but for 8.5 years you have been. Nothing should change that and after 8.5 years, I doubt it will. I doubt your love for him hasn't changed after that revelation.
Do you love him as equally as your 3 other children?
As far as the children are concerned, nothing changes, you and the mothers love should be unwavering, now and for ever.
Children first. Don't put innocents between you. They're children, not ammunition.
Good luck to both of you. |
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"Sounds like neither of you are happy in your relationship.
So.. you could split up, sort your shit out or both agree to have an open relationship.
Oh she left me and has already moved in with her new bf
Then get your shit together for your children's sakes.
This!
I'm doing my best folks, I've only know a few days.
Thank you all for your comments
It’s gonna take a while to fully sink in so give yourself a bit of a break. As said above, it’s not the child’s fault and I’m sure you’ll do the right thing and carry on being dad to them all.
As for you cheating, I guess you know now that the better choice would have been to talk to your partner when you had suspicions? It’s a lesson learned.
People are being harsh here because on paper it looks like you’re the one who’s split the family so this probably isn’t the place for you to get support which you obviously need. Try asking your gp for counselling, or have a look for a local counselling service so you can get a bit of outside help to get your head straight. And good luck "
Wise words. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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That's some big news to take in. Whether you wanted the relationship to end or not, whether you're also responsible for its demise - you need time to adjust. But your kids have had their world turned upside down through no fault of their own. They need their dad now. |
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You got cheated on and top of that you've been hit that the baby is not yours. That's psychologically devastating to a man. You've decided to retaliate by cheating back which is never the best course of action but sometimes people look for love and attention elsewhere when hurt.
Its best to get counselling and deal with this issue head on. Also you need to sit down with her and see of you're right for each other longterm. No point staying together in a toxic relationship even for kid's sake. Move on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You cheated before you knew, but also you obviously had suspicions (which turned out to be true) and I know what they can do to a relationship.
The best thing you can do is try and move on, don't waste your time hating her or rehashing things. What's done is done.
Concentrate on your kids and on yourself.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You're not the bad guy... But as everyone else has pointed out, what you did was wrong
I will give you credit for being honest, next step is to own up to your mistake, be responsible, be accountable. Hopefully it's a lesson learned for the future
Focus on what's important now, your own life outside of the relationship and your kids |
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Both in the wrong her for hiding she cheated way back, so kinda the trust was broken back then so was always gonna be tough especially on trust, but children involved so it's tough hopefully you can find happiness like your ex partner has. |
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"I just found out that my firstborn son, was in fact fathered by someone else.
That was 8.5 years ago, and a further 3 kids with her.
I had my suspicions, and started to play away after lock downs. I got found out, and she separated from me based on a "lack of trust"
I'm very confused at the moment... Am I the baddie here?
"
Im confused too mate. How did you end up finding out Kid A was not yours when youre the one that got caught playing away |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think you should put your own pity party to one side and ask yourself if you feel any different about your son
He is who matters most here
Not you
Not your ex
He's a kid
He needs the best of his Mum and his Dad, not the worst
And imho, whether he is a product of your sperm or not, you will both shape him and his life experience
Being a Dad isn't all about genetics |
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Should have talked her instead of playing away.
She probably thinks you played away before first child now and will use it against you.
Relationships are built on trust, her lying to you all these years is wrong and to me the reason you played away was because you were angry at what she did.
So you are both just as bad, but main thing is to make sure kids don't know real reason as they will not know how to handle it.
So main thing is be there for the kids and make sure that they know you both love them. |
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"I just found out that my firstborn son, was in fact fathered by someone else.
That was 8.5 years ago, and a further 3 kids with her.
I had my suspicions, and started to play away after lock downs. I got found out, and she separated from me based on a "lack of trust"
I'm very confused at the moment... Am I the baddie here?
"
My gut reaction is that you are by far the worst. Here is my reasoning.
It would be a shock to find out that your son was fathered by someone else but after the initial shock you have been his dad for 9 years.
As for the boys mother - you don't tell us any circumstances. She may well have thought that he was yours when you both settled and decided to raise the child together and have more children.
You had 'suspicions' you say. Of what ? If you suspected that your son was not your blood why does that make it o.k. to start having sex outside of the relationship ? Even if you were right, your actions say to me that you care for your ego more than your family by pursuing a 'get even' policy.
You are not even owning what you did and you are blame shifting.
It's as if you are saying - I only fucked around because she had sex with another man nine years ago.
It's not ideal for the children. Hopefully the two of you can think and act like adults and things will settle down either together or not.
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"I think you should put your own pity party to one side and ask yourself if you feel any different about your son
He is who matters most here
Not you
Not your ex
He's a kid
He needs the best of his Mum and his Dad, not the worst
And imho, whether he is a product of your sperm or not, you will both shape him and his life experience
Being a Dad isn't all about genetics "
I should have guessed that was you x. I tend to read upwards  |
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This is one of those situations where nobody wins.
I have no idea of the full circumstances and you're clearly hurt and probably a bit shocked. You'll need time to come to terms with everything.
It's really easy for people who aren't going through it to tell you what you should do but very different when it's happening to you.
I hope you can navigat your way through this well and you and your children maintain a good bond. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I just found out that my firstborn son, was in fact fathered by someone else.
That was 8.5 years ago, and a further 3 kids with her.
I had my suspicions, and started to play away after lock downs. I got found out, and she separated from me based on a "lack of trust"
I'm very confused at the moment... Am I the baddie here?
"
Tbh ..it's not really the type of question l'd be asking here but it's each to their own . |
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"Sounds like neither of you are happy in your relationship.
So.. you could split up, sort your shit out or both agree to have an open relationship.
Oh she left me and has already moved in with her new bf"
Ouch. I take back some of what I said. You should have given all the info at the start.
Get your custody sorted NOW.
Did she take all the kids ? Have you got the kids ? How many kids does her new bf have ? What kind of man takes on a woman with four kids ?
Is this a true story ? |
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"Sounds like neither of you are happy in your relationship.
So.. you could split up, sort your shit out or both agree to have an open relationship.
Oh she left me and has already moved in with her new bf
Ouch. I take back some of what I said. You should have given all the info at the start.
Get your custody sorted NOW.
Did she take all the kids ? Have you got the kids ? How many kids does her new bf have ? What kind of man takes on a woman with four kids ?
Is this a true story ? "
so many questions  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sounds like neither of you are happy in your relationship.
So.. you could split up, sort your shit out or both agree to have an open relationship.
Oh she left me and has already moved in with her new bf
Ouch. I take back some of what I said. You should have given all the info at the start.
Get your custody sorted NOW.
Did she take all the kids ? Have you got the kids ? How many kids does her new bf have ? What kind of man takes on a woman with four kids ?
Is this a true story ? "
His profile will give you more info  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I just found out that my firstborn son, was in fact fathered by someone else.
That was 8.5 years ago, and a further 3 kids with her.
I had my suspicions, and started to play away after lock downs. I got found out, and she separated from me based on a "lack of trust"
I'm very confused at the moment... Am I the baddie here?
"
I think it's worth noting here that it is child 1 who has been fathered by another man.
How did you find this out? Is it actually true ( proven by DNA test?) Or is it just a suspicion/rumour or something said to hurt you in spite.
Whatever the answer, you need to cast the information aside and concentrate on your relationship with child 1 of whom you are the only dad they has ever known and they still need you to be that person.
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"Sounds like neither of you are happy in your relationship.
So.. you could split up, sort your shit out or both agree to have an open relationship.
Oh she left me and has already moved in with her new bf
Ouch. I take back some of what I said. You should have given all the info at the start.
Get your custody sorted NOW.
Did she take all the kids ? Have you got the kids ? How many kids does her new bf have ? What kind of man takes on a woman with four kids ?
Is this a true story ?
His profile will give you more info "
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"I just found out that my firstborn son, was in fact fathered by someone else.
That was 8.5 years ago, and a further 3 kids with her.
I had my suspicions, and started to play away after lock downs. I got found out, and she separated from me based on a "lack of trust"
I'm very confused at the moment... Am I the baddie here?
"
OP, I’m curious - how do either of you absolutely know that the 8 year old isn’t yours? Is it possible that she found out about your infidelity and used that ‘fact’ as ammunition to hurt you?
Is it possible he is actually your kiddie? And I mean that genetically because, after 8 years, you are his parent. I don’t have kids and couldn’t begin to understand the internal conflict you’re experiencing, but it’s your influence that shapes what kind of person he will be.
What a mess!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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OP please think about sleeping with people whilst your kids are there - that's a risky thing to do if they wake up and they're already confused enough surely? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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While I have some sympathy for the shock and inner turmoil you must be experiencing, having read your profile - for the love of all that is holy, stop fucking randoms with your kids in the house, regardless of whether they’re asleep or not. |
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O.P.
What ever is happening right now try to put yourself on a path that is going to be best for you and your children.
Don't muck about on sites like this , meeting strangers and letting them into your home.
Get yourself some advice from societies that care about men and their families and join some men's groups where they have similar experiences and can support you.
Your todge is not the priority here.
First the kids
And equal first you cos they need a happy healthy dad.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I just found out that my firstborn son, was in fact fathered by someone else.
That was 8.5 years ago, and a further 3 kids with her.
I had my suspicions, and started to play away after lock downs. I got found out, and she separated from me based on a "lack of trust"
I'm very confused at the moment... Am I the baddie here?
"
There's no "baddie" from what I've read.
Just people making mistakes, and not having the bollocks to admit to it.
How long were you in a relationship before kid1 was conceived? Or Was the pregnancy the catalyst for you both getting into the relationship?
You did something to get your own back, you know it wasn't a good decision, which is why you put up a post.
Also, did you find out who the original dad was? Because you may love that child like it's your own, but the dad and child have a right to know the truth.
If you found out you had a child after 9 years of not knowing they existed, how would you feel?
Finally, don't sit and dwell on the past, don't think about who is right and wrong, it won't change or achieve anything.
Do what you can to support your 4 kids. You'll build yourself back up, get stronger mentally and physically, (they often work hand in hand imo).
You'll find someone out there for you. Use the whole experience as a lesson, don't make the same mistakes, and learn to be more communicative with your new partner when you get one, but find the fine like of becoming more communicative and not using them as an emotional dump.
Take it easy mate |
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"I just found out that my firstborn son, was in fact fathered by someone else.
That was 8.5 years ago, and a further 3 kids with her.
I had my suspicions, and started to play away after lock downs. I got found out, and she separated from me based on a "lack of trust"
I'm very confused at the moment... Am I the baddie here?
Tbh ..it's not really the type of question l'd be asking here but it's each to their own ."
I have literally no one else to talk to about it, unless they're 8 or under. That wouldn't be appropriate |
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"I just found out that my firstborn son, was in fact fathered by someone else.
That was 8.5 years ago, and a further 3 kids with her.
I had my suspicions, and started to play away after lock downs. I got found out, and she separated from me based on a "lack of trust"
I'm very confused at the moment... Am I the baddie here?
Tbh ..it's not really the type of question l'd be asking here but it's each to their own .
I have literally no one else to talk to about it, unless they're 8 or under. That wouldn't be appropriate "
Please find some Dad's groups. I don't mean a bunch of blokes who hang out but a group set up to help single dads...
Don't be alone in this.
and put your cock away for some time.... a fuck isn't going to make you feel whole.... |
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"I just found out that my firstborn son, was in fact fathered by someone else.
That was 8.5 years ago, and a further 3 kids with her.
I had my suspicions, and started to play away after lock downs. I got found out, and she separated from me based on a "lack of trust"
I'm very confused at the moment... Am I the baddie here?
There's no "baddie" from what I've read.
Just people making mistakes, and not having the bollocks to admit to it.
How long were you in a relationship before kid1 was conceived? Or Was the pregnancy the catalyst for you both getting into the relationship?
You did something to get your own back, you know it wasn't a good decision, which is why you put up a post.
Also, did you find out who the original dad was? Because you may love that child like it's your own, but the dad and child have a right to know the truth.
If you found out you had a child after 9 years of not knowing they existed, how would you feel?
Finally, don't sit and dwell on the past, don't think about who is right and wrong, it won't change or achieve anything.
Do what you can to support your 4 kids. You'll build yourself back up, get stronger mentally and physically, (they often work hand in hand imo).
You'll find someone out there for you. Use the whole experience as a lesson, don't make the same mistakes, and learn to be more communicative with your new partner when you get one, but find the fine like of becoming more communicative and not using them as an emotional dump.
Take it easy mate "
Kid1 was conceived in the june/July, we'd gotten together in the February. I worked away, there were 2 possible dates for conception with me..... She lied to all the medicals too |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I understand how hurtful it must of been to find out about your son,and the lies your partner has told you. Being so deceitful about such an important person in your life is the absolute pits. I'm so sorry.
But... cheating isn't the answer. I do understand why you did it though, as it's a reaction that a lot of people do when you've been hurt by a loved one, but that's just a road to self destruction, and destroying your relationship.
Stop the cheating, take a step away from here, and have lots of talking sessions with your partner.
Good luck to you. |
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"I just found out that my firstborn son, was in fact fathered by someone else.
That was 8.5 years ago, and a further 3 kids with her.
I had my suspicions, and started to play away after lock downs. I got found out, and she separated from me based on a "lack of trust"
I'm very confused at the moment... Am I the baddie here?
"
Having read your profile... yes!
You need to stop being so bloody selfish and put the needs of your children above your physical desires.
Nita |
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"
It's her hypocrisy that has hurt me so much
You've only known for a few days, yet you've been on Fab for a few months...
It sounds like neither of you have covered yourselves in glory, and that you both need to put the children to the front and foremost. "
We initially split in October |
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"Sounds like neither of you are happy in your relationship.
So.. you could split up, sort your shit out or both agree to have an open relationship.
Oh she left me and has already moved in with her new bf
Ouch. I take back some of what I said. You should have given all the info at the start.
Get your custody sorted NOW.
Did she take all the kids ? Have you got the kids ? How many kids does her new bf have ? What kind of man takes on a woman with four kids ?
Is this a true story ? "
I am looking after my girl and youngest son in our family home.
He's a nice bloke, amd he doesn't have any kids.
I'm very sorry to say that this is not fictional, I wish it was |
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"While I have some sympathy for the shock and inner turmoil you must be experiencing, having read your profile - for the love of all that is holy, stop fucking randoms with your kids in the house, regardless of whether they’re asleep or not."
I haven't been with anyone other than her in our home |
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You have lowered yourself to her level which is immature, But i can understand why you would be angry too. Kids ain't a weapon and it's always them who seem to suffer! You made a mistake and human so learn from it.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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People can be very good at fucking each other up. Sometimes life is just a bit shit and what happens, happens. We just have to do better going forwards. Good luck getting it all together with however that works for you. |
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By *batMan
over a year ago
Alicante, Spain. (Sometimes in Wales) |
"I'm very confused at the moment..."
I don't think this is the best environment for finding your way through your confusion. Speak to real people rather than anonymous *forumites.
Speak to a marriage counsellor, trusted friends, perhaps a religious leader if that's your thing.
Gbat
*forumites. I KNOW you're real people, but some will give a considered response whilst others won't. The OP will not know which is which! |
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