FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Let's pretend we work in the fab office...
Let's pretend we work in the fab office...
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Anyone who comments on the thread is automatically staff.
Write a brief 'email' to a 'colleague' on the thread that's work orientated but has a naughty kinky meaning. |
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Good afternoon petite
Just to raise a concern about the recent spate of hole punch incidents around the office. I’m sick to death of having to search the office for a decent hole punch and just to explain why yours keeps ending up on my desk.
It’s the easiest and most effective hole punch in the office and I just can’t help myself.
Kind regards |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Anyone who comments on the thread is automatically staff.
Write a brief 'email' to a 'colleague' on the thread that's work orientated but has a naughty kinky meaning."
Your needed in my office for some oral dicktation to be taken in hand, full attention needed for satisfactory outcums |
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"
Anyone who comments on the thread is automatically staff.
Write a brief 'email' to a 'colleague' on the thread that's work orientated but has a naughty kinky meaning."
Dear Petite, I wanted to thank you for your work on the big ‘Member’ account. It seems your personal touch was exactly what was needed to get the result they wanted, but your use of a small, dedicated team demonstrates our values of inclusivity and customer servicing.
The head of Member was particularly pleased how accommodating you were to his strategy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Can I be the sexy Secretary?
I'd like to meet in the boardroom..."
Could you help me with something in the stationary cupboard, I need something you sharpen my pencil  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Who you I have to fuck to get a promotion??
Asking for me? "
Dear Woody.
Please be advised that the CEO is currently in a meeting with multiple members of staff and will not be available until later. There is a current state of undress the CEO needs to attend to.
Kind Regards
PetiteWoman |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What did everyone do at the weekend? "
I can tell you who I caught in the stationary cupboard after hours on Friday and he was doing more than taking down her particulars 
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'll be the tea lady...
Who wants to nibble on my buns with their morning coffee. I need numbers ASAP
Kind regards
The tea lady"
Ooh me please. With real cream, I hope?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'll be the tea lady...
Who wants to nibble on my buns with their morning coffee. I need numbers ASAP
Kind regards
The tea lady
Ooh me please. With real cream, I hope? "
For you anything, you can have extra |
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"What did everyone do at the weekend?
I can tell you who I caught in the stationary cupboard after hours on Friday and he was doing more than taking down her particulars
"
I bet he was stealing the sellotape… again  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'll be the tea lady...
Who wants to nibble on my buns with their morning coffee. I need numbers ASAP
Kind regards
The tea lady
Ooh me please. With real cream, I hope?
For you anything, you can have extra "
I do love me some fresh buns, hun |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Notice to all staff.
Please do not set off the fire alarm unless there is a an actual fire.
We have had some complaints of staff not wearing white shirts or blouses on the series of random fire alarms this week.
Kind Regards
PetiteWoman |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What did everyone do at the weekend?
I can tell you who I caught in the stationary cupboard after hours on Friday and he was doing more than taking down her particulars
I bet he was stealing the sellotape… again "
Well, I could tell you who I saw doing what to who with sellotape...in the middle of the day as well |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To the IT department. The Internet is running slow, perhaps you need to check the browser history and clear some memory 
IT dept here. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
J"
@it dept, I've got some ram for you to to take a look at.. |
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"To the IT department. The Internet is running slow, perhaps you need to check the browser history and clear some memory
IT dept here. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
J"
Very easily turned on, seems difficult to turn me, sorry it, off. Might need a hand |
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"What did everyone do at the weekend?
I can tell you who I caught in the stationary cupboard after hours on Friday and he was doing more than taking down her particulars
I bet he was stealing the sellotape… again
Well, I could tell you who I saw doing what to who with sellotape...in the middle of the day as well "
IT have taken all my permissions away. My Internet history is being searched |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What did everyone do at the weekend?
I can tell you who I caught in the stationary cupboard after hours on Friday and he was doing more than taking down her particulars
I bet he was stealing the sellotape… again
Well, I could tell you who I saw doing what to who with sellotape...in the middle of the day as well
IT have taken all my permissions away. My Internet history is being searched "
I'm not surprised you mucky devil |
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"To the IT department. The Internet is running slow, perhaps you need to check the browser history and clear some memory
IT dept here. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
J
@it dept, I've got some ram for you to to take a look at.. "
OK, I'll byte.
J
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By *X2019Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
I'm happy to work in the occ health department. Need to ensure all staff are fit for work, via a thorough examination
Also happy to help out maintenance dept part time, with any repairs, fillings and drillings |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A gently reminder to you all, you all need to remind verifications dept. Of who you met, what date you met. For the graphic veris to be on profiles by the end of the month..
Thankyou...Sushi @veris |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Vacant Position
We are urgently seeking a member to this role. Must be hard working, pay attention to detail and work efficiently in a large group or independently.
Previous experience required but not essential.
Please go to the HR dept for an aptitude test to qualify.
Please note you will be required to do a trial.
Kind Regards
PW
|
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"To the IT department. The Internet is running slow, perhaps you need to check the browser history and clear some memory
IT dept here. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
J
Very easily turned on, seems difficult to turn me, sorry it, off. Might need a hand "
There appears to be a large Trojan disrupting our usual smmoth and efficient service. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To the IT department. The Internet is running slow, perhaps you need to check the browser history and clear some memory
IT dept here. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
J
@it dept, I've got some ram for you to to take a look at..
OK, I'll byte.
J
"
OK I'll download my boxers for proper inspection |
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"What did everyone do at the weekend?
I can tell you who I caught in the stationary cupboard after hours on Friday and he was doing more than taking down her particulars
I bet he was stealing the sellotape… again
Well, I could tell you who I saw doing what to who with sellotape...in the middle of the day as well
IT have taken all my permissions away. My Internet history is being searched "
We have throttled your downstream and will be hand-wiping your system. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Vacant Position
We are urgently seeking a member to this role. Must be hard working, pay attention to detail and work efficiently in a large group or independently.
Previous experience required but not essential.
Please go to the HR dept for an aptitude test to qualify.
Please note you will be required to do a trial.
Kind Regards
PW
"
Pw I'll drop my cv into your private mail box |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Who you I have to fuck to get a promotion??
Asking for me?
Dear Woody.
Please be advised that the CEO is currently in a meeting with multiple members of staff and will not be available until later. There is a current state of undress the CEO needs to attend to.
Kind Regards
PetiteWoman "
Later? do you want me to cum in for overtime? |
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There is a shortage of bulldog clips, will all users please return them to stores, preferably clean please.
As a reminder, bulldog clips should only be used for holding papers together, any other use is forbiden unless santioned by management. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Can I be the penetration tester? 
Only if you can penetrate everyone so that a fair comparison can be made."
I'm always one for half arsing a job so may only be able to get round to the women and couples. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dear office,
We're running dangerously low on petty cash and there's been in influx of sex toy deliveries. Can we please stick to genuine office supplies? |
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Hi Gertrude,
Can you please forward to me the project's Non-Fucktional Requirements (NFRs)? I've asked PeTITeWoman but she appears to be on Anal Leave and hasn't set her out-of-orifice message.
Regards,
N. |
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"Everybody, please insert extra devices right now as we can not cope with such large uploads.
Thanks IT
@it, can u cope with my external hard drive "
We should be able to handle it. If necessary we can bring in extra staff.
J |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Hi Gertrude,
Can you please forward to me the project's Non-Fucktional Requirements (NFRs)? I've asked PeTITeWoman but she appears to be on Anal Leave and hasn't set her out-of-orifice message.
Regards,
N."
Dear Nero
Can you please cum and sort my spell check out I much prefer yours, and my out-of-orifice too when available.
PW |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Everybody, please insert extra devices right now as we can not cope with such large uploads.
Thanks IT
@it, can u cope with my external hard drive
We should be able to handle it. If necessary we can bring in extra staff.
J"
Outside assistance is always needed. The more the merrier |
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Dear all,
The security department regrets to inform you all that the back doors of the bike shed have been smashed in. A number of the village bikes you'd normally ride on have been stølen. For the next week, we advise that you look for an alternative means of transport. Security is happy to assist colleagues if they need to be taken up (to) the Tube 
Best regards,
The FabMin Village Security Team |
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The IT department is becoming very frustrated. Too many staff are still using floppies. Only hard internal equipment is suitable or we can provide something plug'n'play if that fits your requirements better. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'll be working from home for the next few days, if you need me in a meeting, don't expect me to turn my webcam on  "
Please come to the office offive immediately. We need to discuss your availability and webcam settings. Please bring you laptop with you so we can help you with the settings. |
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"I just appear to be cc’d on all of these emails. Nobody knows what I *actually* do…. In fact nor do I
You're definitely in marketing. "
Yes. Yes I am….
“Head of marketing”. I can market various heads…
Anyway back to “social media networking” (wanking on fab)
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'll be working from home for the next few days, if you need me in a meeting, don't expect me to turn my webcam on
Please come to the office offive immediately. We need to discuss your availability and webcam settings. Please bring you laptop with you so we can help you with the settings. "
Yeah, sure that's completely fine, no worries... *rubs wet wipe over keyboard* |
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Following a time and motion study it has been concluded that nobody in the office fufills any work related function due to lack of available time.
Therefore on the basis that no staff are needed to maintain the current website status the office will close and all staff will be made redundant.
Sorry folks, thank you all for your devotion to promoting every possible sexual activity but please feel free to carry on with your valuable research at home. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
*PW walks across the office in tight pencil skirt, slightly unbuttoned blouse and heels. Points to several staff members and then her office and says you are needed for an urgent staff meeting NOW* |
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"*PW walks across the office in tight pencil skirt, slightly unbuttoned blouse and heels. Points to several staff members and then her office and says you are needed for an urgent staff meeting NOW*"
I hope it's a disciplinary
J |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Following a time and motion study it has been concluded that nobody in the office fufills any work related function due to lack of available time.
Therefore on the basis that no staff are needed to maintain the current website status the office will close and all staff will be made redundant.
Sorry folks, thank you all for your devotion to promoting every possible sexual activity but please feel free to carry on with your valuable research at home."
Flagging this email!
Can IT please ensure unwanted emails and spam are dealt with promptly as per their job description.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"*PW walks across the office in tight pencil skirt, slightly unbuttoned blouse and heels. Points to several staff members and then her office and says you are needed for an urgent staff meeting NOW*"
*Does a u turn with her squeaky wheeled tea trolley to see who's doing what to who and where* |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'll be the hunky office runner who everyone has a guilty crush on and who kinda knows and works for everyone and occassionaly brings the coffee and donuts.
See you in the store cupboard. |
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Dear All
A quick reminder that we have contractors in next week. They will be working in the back office and dispatch area, testing anything with a plug. If you could give your area a little clean and make sure everything is backed up as required.
Thanks B
EH&S |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"*PW walks across the office in tight pencil skirt, slightly unbuttoned blouse and heels. Points to several staff members and then her office and says you are needed for an urgent staff meeting NOW*"
I was on my lunch break wasn’t I? 
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Dear HR,
Further to your request for me to visit your department because I am to be disciplined, I would like to request this is done by Sally and I would like to choose her outfit. "
Please contact the compliance team. They will assist you with your request. |
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"*PW walks across the office in tight pencil skirt, slightly unbuttoned blouse and heels. Points to several staff members and then her office and says you are needed for an urgent staff meeting NOW*"
That *definitely* sounds like a marketing problem…  |
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"*PW walks across the office in tight pencil skirt, slightly unbuttoned blouse and heels. Points to several staff members and then her office and says you are needed for an urgent staff meeting NOW*
*Does a u turn with her squeaky wheeled tea trolley to see who's doing what to who and where* "
Me and the tea lady were in the cupboard talking football. Her panties coming off was just fortunate |
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"*PW walks across the office in tight pencil skirt, slightly unbuttoned blouse and heels. Points to several staff members and then her office and says you are needed for an urgent staff meeting NOW*"
Do we need to bring a pen? |
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"Following a time and motion study it has been concluded that nobody in the office fufills any work related function due to lack of available time.
Therefore on the basis that no staff are needed to maintain the current website status the office will close and all staff will be made redundant.
Sorry folks, thank you all for your devotion to promoting every possible sexual activity but please feel free to carry on with your valuable research at home.
Flagging this email!
Can IT please ensure unwanted emails and spam are dealt with promptly as per their job description.
"
Apologies PW, unfortunately staff members appear to have cliqued on certain off-limit areas leading to an increase in viruses
We will endeavour to offer a clean up service.
J |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"*PW walks across the office in tight pencil skirt, slightly unbuttoned blouse and heels. Points to several staff members and then her office and says you are needed for an urgent staff meeting NOW*
That *definitely* sounds like a marketing problem… "
Also the head of the audio and visual team should to present, so happens I saw this email just in time |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Due to recent incidents. We will be replacing all current desks with clear glass ones. This is a place of business, which you are paid for. Take YOUR business home with you.
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"Hi Gertrude,
Can you please forward to me the project's Non-Fucktional Requirements (NFRs)? I've asked PeTITeWoman but she appears to be on Anal Leave and hasn't set her out-of-orifice message.
Regards,
N.
·
Dear Nero
Can you please cum and sort my spell check out I much prefer yours, and my out-of-orifice too when available.
PW "
•
Dear PeTITeWoman,
If your sir-cum-stances are clitical then I am more than willy to supply you with technical support cervixes.
Hoping for a sucksex-full outcome.
Regards,
Nero.
P.S. You can connect with me on LickedIn |
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"
•
Dear PeTITeWoman,
If your sir-cum-stances are clitical then I am more than willy to supply you with technical support cervixes.
Hoping for a sucksex-full outcome.
Regards,
Nero.
P.S. You can connect with me on LickedIn"
Dear Nero
I think you'll find this is the It department's area of sexpertise. No ifs or butts.
Regards
J |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Dear PetiteWoman,
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for giving me the chance to work under you, however, I believe now is the time to hand in my resignation as although my skills have been appreciated by many, it's time for a new challenge.
I'll always remember the great times with fantastic work colleagues, but this new adventure was too good to pass up. I wish you, and everyone else the best in your time at the Fab office
*UNLOS* |
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Memo to all :
Fab offices are filthy.
But not as filthy as your mother.
We have vacancies for naked cleaners.
If you are applying, please be aware that men with less than 6 inch
.
.
.
.
.
.
hands and women with less than 42 d
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
usters need not apply. We are particularly interested in wimps n wusses who can lick behind their own ears and have an aversion to money.
Thank you.
|
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All applicants for prick of the week to be on display naked ready for inspection lunch time today.
The judges will present an award to the biggest prick of all.
Previous winners excluded to give eberyone a chance of being prick of the week. |
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"
•
Dear PeTITeWoman,
If your sir-cum-stances are clitical then I am more than willy to supply you with technical support cervixes.
Hoping for a sucksex-full outcome.
Regards,
Nero.
P.S. You can connect with me on LickedIn
Dear Nero
I think you'll find this is the It department's area of sexpertise. No ifs or butts.
Regards
J"
•
Dear J,
Will our hotel meet be slapped onto the company sexpense account?
Hopefully it's not considered a (friends with) benefit in kind and affect any incum tax issues.
Yours Sin-cerely,
Nero.
|
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"Dear Nero
I think you'll find this is the It department's area of sexpertise. No ifs or butts.
Regards
J
•
Dear J,
Will our hotel meet be slapped onto the company sexpense account?
Hopefully it's not considered a (friends with) benefit in kind and affect any incum tax issues.
Yours Sin-cerely,
Nero.
"
Dear Nero
I must remind you that inappropriate use of company resources will result in a dressing down orally and perhaps even a disciplinary.
So yes, let's go for it!
Yours,
Miss Appropriation |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Building manager
Please stop from leaving clothes in the changing rooms and stop asking for hanky panky in the well-being room as the massages are all over the the clothes |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Dear Kitchen Staff
Please refrain from making Mash Potato Willie's for the female staff in Admin, you are currently making the Male employee's feel inadequate...
Regards
HR |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Note to all:
Sydney University is still searching for the perfect pictures. So feel free to participate and share your privates.
Any copulation however will need to be supervised at all times by a manager or team leader |
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All staff working in the spray area.,
After a number of cases of pink eye in the last few weeks, we have updated the ppe requirements.
Effective immediately, anyone finishing a job by hand must now wear full facial protection.
Thanks
B
EH&S |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Facilities Management,
Where is the best place in the building to find a four-way gang?
Thanks,
IT
The electrical storage cupboard
Shocking! "
Best hurry we are currently low in stock |
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"Dear Facilities Management,
Where is the best place in the building to find a four-way gang?
Thanks,
IT
The electrical storage cupboard
Shocking!
Best hurry we are currently low in stock "
Not surprising, everyone wants a bit of multiway action. I'm on my way. |
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To whom it may concern.
Please refrain from shoving your large packages into the small slot. They keep getting stuck and forcing them out is causing damage to the small slot. ( Yes Nigel, I've tried using WD40)
Please now place all packages in the big box.
All packages must be fully wrapped to prevent cross contamination.
Thank you. Shipping and logistics. |
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MsWyld just popping this email in to your inbox to remind you that the new adaptations to the toilet area is now complete we hope that you find that the men’s and ladies are now situated next to each other with last man’s cubicle is directly next to the last ladies cubicle, with a various sized holes in to each other, we would love to hear your feedback on the new additions and hope you enjoy the new glory holes x |
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