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Taking a spouse’s name in marriage
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What does everyone think of this? It seems that it is still very much the done thing in western culture for women to take the surname of their new husband.
Why?
Women - does this make you feel like we’re not making enough progress with gender balance and equality? Does it feel outdated or is it a nice tradition you’d hate to lose?
Is it all too often about making sure you both have the same surname as your children?
Men - would you take her surname on marriage? Would you assume she will take yours or do you discuss it?
I’m curious! Never been married (and never likely to be haha) |
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I’m in the process of getting divorced and lots of people ask if I’m going back to my Maiden name.
I have a female friend who married and kept her maiden name.
A male friend married and took his new wife’s surname.
Many women I know use their maiden name professionally after marriage as their qualifications are in that name but use married name for things relating to the kids and the home. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I took my husbands name when we got married. I like that we’re recognised as a family unit and it makes me feel less like an outsider. It’s also nice to share a surname with our kids  |
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I liked the traditional aspect of taking my husbands name, but I’ve a friend whose husband took her name and other friends have gone double barrelled. I guess it’s nice that women have the choice
E x |
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By *ookie46Woman
over a year ago
Deepest darkest Peru |
I took his surname when we married and have kept it now I’m divorced. It’s important to me to have the same family name as my children much to my ex’s distain as had many abusive calls how it’s not my name to keep |
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"I’m in the process of getting divorced and lots of people ask if I’m going back to my Maiden name.
I have a female friend who married and kept her maiden name.
A male friend married and took his new wife’s surname.
Many women I know use their maiden name professionally after marriage as their qualifications are in that name but use married name for things relating to the kids and the home. "
That’s an interesting point. I’d always imagined that, if you parted on bad terms, the last thing you’d want would be your ex’s name.
I’m not a fan of my last name so I always figured I’d talk to her about me taking her surname. I wonder if some men would find that emasculating. |
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"I never saw why I should change my name. My children have their father's family name, it's never been an issue."
I’ve heard this can be a problem at times like taking children through airports. Border agencies questioning whether they’re actually that person’s kids  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wanted to keep my maiden name when I got married, but my ex husband and his father kicked up such a fuss about it I caved. Now we're divorced I've kept his name as it's also the name of my children. We did think about double-barrelling the children's name when we divorced, but they said it would be embarrassing and to not tell anyone at school! 
One unmarried friend chose a brand new surname for herself and changed it by deed poll, as she decided it was important to her to shake off misogynistic patrilineal traditions.
Nell |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I never saw why I should change my name. My children have their father's family name, it's never been an issue.
I’ve heard this can be a problem at times like taking children through airports. Border agencies questioning whether they’re actually that person’s kids "
Never had that issue, I suppose it depends where you travel to, plus their dad would generally - but not always- have been along too. I think my eldest child had his name in my passport for a while when very young. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I didn’t change my name officially when I got married. I used the name, but something in the back of my mind obviously told me it wasn’t right and I never did it officially, so documents etc still had my maiden name on. I also lost my wedding ring 3 months in and decided to get it tattooed on, but thankfully never did 
When I did change my name, I changed it by deed poll so I would have the same last name as the dog. We still have the same last name as each other now, and even if I get married again I have no intention of ever changing it, he can take my new name
You could always marry the dog "
To be honest, this divorce is so stressful that I doubt I will ever get married again |
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My wife took my name, and reverted back to her maiden name after the divorce.
All depends on the couple I guess, some have double barrelled surnames.
Each to there own, it would never enter my head that a woman taking a man's name was belittling her in any way, just the way its always been. |
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"I wanted to keep my maiden name when I got married, but my ex husband and his father kicked up such a fuss about it I caved. Now we're divorced I've kept his name as it's also the name of my children. We did think about double-barrelling the children's name when we divorced, but they said it would be embarrassing and to not tell anyone at school!
One unmarried friend chose a brand new surname for herself and changed it by deed poll, as she decided it was important to her to shake off misogynistic patrilineal traditions.
Nell "
I knew a couple who chose an entirely new name. I quite like that as an option, but I imagine many families would feel the legacy was being shunned. |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"What does everyone think of this? It seems that it is still very much the done thing in western culture for women to take the surname of their new husband.
Why?
Women - does this make you feel like we’re not making enough progress with gender balance and equality? Does it feel outdated or is it a nice tradition you’d hate to lose?
Is it all too often about making sure you both have the same surname as your children?
Men - would you take her surname on marriage? Would you assume she will take yours or do you discuss it?
I’m curious! Never been married (and never likely to be haha)"
When Fox and I got married she took my name. Her choice entirely and tbh it wouldn't have bothered me if she'd chosen not to. I wouldn't have taken hers. I like having my dad's surname.
I inherited a child and again, it was his choice to change his surname to mine. Nobody forced him or told him too.
As long as all parties are happy I don't think there's an issue these days as to who does what. I know plenty of married women who have kept their maiden name.
A |
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I took my husbands name when I married back in 1974 and kept it when divorced in 1990 often thought over the years of going back to maiden name but I've had this name for near on 50 years so won't change back x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My wife took my name, and reverted back to her maiden name after the divorce.
All depends on the couple I guess, some have double barrelled surnames.
Each to there own, it would never enter my head that a woman taking a man's name was belittling her in any way, just the way its always been."
The reason it was that way in some cultures was that women were chattels who were passed from their father to their husband. |
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"I took my husbands name when I married back in 1974 and kept it when divorced in 1990 often thought over the years of going back to maiden name but I've had this name for near on 50 years so won't change back x"
Thank Christ his surname was Floss!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have no intention of taking anyone else's name. But then I have no intention of getting married either.
I might change my name eventually though just for the sake of it."
My family name is a very unusual one, of course this makes us "special" but also has it's downsides |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I liked my exs name, my father-in-law was the most lovely guy and loved he had passed down his rare surname down and I was proud of it
When I divorced I didn't want to change back but once my ex moved in with his fiance I just felt it inappropriate to keep my married name.
The dilemma I loved sharing a name with my kids  so I took my daughters middle name, made it my new one and took my sons middle name and made it my new surname, changed it by deed poll 
Sorry , life story ha |
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My wife didn't change her surname when we got married, which presumably has made things for her easier now we're divorced.
I thought this was going to be an incisive comment but everyone has pretty much said the same thing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My wife didn't change her surname when we got married, which presumably has made things for her easier now we're divorced.
I thought this was going to be an incisive comment but everyone has pretty much said the same thing "
In hindsight, not wanting to change my name probably revealed some secret misgivings about the marriage - and it was indeed pretty convenient not to have to change anything back |
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I took my husband's surname. I wanted to have children, and it was important to me to all share a surname.
I went from a very common name to a fairly unusual one, though only changed 2 letters. I didn't even change my signature
It's every person's choice when marrying. |
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I took my (ex) husbands name. I wanted to have the same name as our child even though I wasn't overly thrilled about the actual name. When we got divorced I told him I was keeping it which he was fine with. I kept it for about a year and then decided I actually wanted to go back to my maiden name so that's what I did. Sod changing it ever again though, it's a pain in the arse |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Elfie didn’t take my name as she had inadvertently got a new passport a few weeks before not thinking of the consequences. Doesn’t bother me one bit and can easily change by deed poll later |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've been married twice and both times I have taken my husbands name, it wasn't even a question, you get married you take his name, it wasn't til recently that I realised that some women don't like to do that (I mean I know about double barreled).
I love having my now husband's name, even if it is an absolute nightmare to sign, it just doesn't flow, it makes us one you know?
The only thing that I hate about it, is I don't have the same surname as my children now, they are (or were) teenagers when we got married 5 years ago, so wasn't babies. I could never understand why my ex mother in law kept her name when she divorced my ex father in law and I found out why she didn't revert, she wanted her name to be the same as her children's. |
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"What does everyone think of this? It seems that it is still very much the done thing in western culture for women to take the surname of their new husband.
Why?
Women - does this make you feel like we’re not making enough progress with gender balance and equality? Does it feel outdated or is it a nice tradition you’d hate to lose?
Is it all too often about making sure you both have the same surname as your children?
Men - would you take her surname on marriage? Would you assume she will take yours or do you discuss it?
I’m curious! Never been married (and never likely to be haha)"
Double-barrelled because....I'm a maverick...keeping my maiden name or taken my ex-husband's name felt far to normal. lol! people thinks it's posh but I was really practical about wanting the same or similar name to my professional before-marriage qualifications and my (still) unborn children.
Now it's the former husband, I'm too lazy to go through the faff of changing it back. |
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"I took his surname when we married and have kept it now I’m divorced. It’s important to me to have the same family name as my children much to my ex’s distain as had many abusive calls how it’s not my name to keep "
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Cookie, you can make it yours by adding the odd accent to the name. So, for instance if 'his' family name is Warner-Jones, just change yours to Wårner-Jonés. Et voilà! It's no longer 'his' name.  |
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I know it’s irrational, but I was annoyed about my ex-wife keeping my surname. She’s still wearing it a decade later.
It causes me no harm. It doesn’t affect my life. It doesn’t reflect on me at all. Like I said, irrational. But somehow it felt wrong. Still does. I think it comes down to me knowing that she hated her own name. And childishly wanted to get rid of it to annoy her parents. I feel slightly used in that respect.
Again, I know it’s irrational. But there it is. |
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By *ookie46Woman
over a year ago
Deepest darkest Peru |
"I took his surname when we married and have kept it now I’m divorced. It’s important to me to have the same family name as my children much to my ex’s distain as had many abusive calls how it’s not my name to keep
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Cookie, you can make it yours by adding the odd accent to the name. So, for instance if 'his' family name is Warner-Jones, just change yours to Wårner-Jonés. Et voilà! It's no longer 'his' name. "
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Never been married but if I had there is no way I would have changed my name and would not expect him to change his. Nor would I walk down the aisle by someone to be given away or sat at a top table like a stuffed doll whilst the groom, best man and father made a speech. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I like the tradition of taking my husbands name and I like that I have the same surname as my kids. Only time I would change it was if I were to marry again |
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Having travelled internationally with my son who had a different surname, it was more a decision of practicality and being all the same as a family unit. I hated being questioned by Border Force, like I'd kidn@pped my own son. Didn't help that his father was totally AWOL so couldn't seek his "permission".
I traded one unusual surname that no-one could spell, for another unusual surname that no-one can spell |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would have done had I got married, if you believe in marriage I suppose there is the belief in the 'family unit' thing and all being as one. I have always hated having my dads surname and my kids have their dads, and I never married him in the end. Good job as I would have definitely not have kept it. I am in the market for a new surname. |
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"Never been married but if I had there is no way I would have changed my name and would not expect him to change his. Nor would I walk down the aisle by someone to be given away or sat at a top table like a stuffed doll whilst the groom, best man and father made a speech."
Those are all really good points and extend my original question. Weddings are so traditional! Why is still only the men who are invited to speak - “My wife and I…..”
It wasn’t that long ago the church service was changed from ‘man and wife’ and ‘honour and obey’ as if all she brings is her title of servitude.
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"Never been married but if I had there is no way I would have changed my name and would not expect him to change his. Nor would I walk down the aisle by someone to be given away or sat at a top table like a stuffed doll whilst the groom, best man and father made a speech.
Those are all really good points and extend my original question. Weddings are so traditional! Why is still only the men who are invited to speak - “My wife and I…..”
It wasn’t that long ago the church service was changed from ‘man and wife’ and ‘honour and obey’ as if all she brings is her title of servitude.
"
The reception can include speeches from whoever you like. It doesn't have to follow "tradition". The bride and groom decide what goes on. I spoke briefly at our wedding (14yrs ago), as did my Grandad. My Grandparents sat at the top table, as well as my parents and his. None of that is traditional. |
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"I know it’s irrational, but I was annoyed about my ex-wife keeping my surname. She’s still wearing it a decade later.
It causes me no harm. It doesn’t affect my life. It doesn’t reflect on me at all. Like I said, irrational. But somehow it felt wrong. Still does. I think it comes down to me knowing that she hated her own name. And childishly wanted to get rid of it to annoy her parents. I feel slightly used in that respect.
Again, I know it’s irrational. But there it is."
I don’t think that’s irrational at all. Possibly an uncommon perspective but our names are our identity. We grow up with them and it’s how we’re known to everyone. When she was your wife you were happy to share, maybe now you feel she has appropriated something of yours.
I’d probably feel equally irked about it. |
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"Never been married but if I had there is no way I would have changed my name and would not expect him to change his. Nor would I walk down the aisle by someone to be given away or sat at a top table like a stuffed doll whilst the groom, best man and father made a speech.
Those are all really good points and extend my original question. Weddings are so traditional! Why is still only the men who are invited to speak - “My wife and I…..”
It wasn’t that long ago the church service was changed from ‘man and wife’ and ‘honour and obey’ as if all she brings is her title of servitude.
The reception can include speeches from whoever you like. It doesn't have to follow "tradition". The bride and groom decide what goes on. I spoke briefly at our wedding (14yrs ago), as did my Grandad. My Grandparents sat at the top table, as well as my parents and his. None of that is traditional."
Yes you’re absolutely right, KC. That was bad phrasing from me. I suppose what I meant to say is that (in my experience) many people still follow a traditional format. I wonder if they don’t feel they can/should depart from that. |
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"Never been married but if I had there is no way I would have changed my name and would not expect him to change his. Nor would I walk down the aisle by someone to be given away or sat at a top table like a stuffed doll whilst the groom, best man and father made a speech.
Those are all really good points and extend my original question. Weddings are so traditional! Why is still only the men who are invited to speak - “My wife and I…..”
It wasn’t that long ago the church service was changed from ‘man and wife’ and ‘honour and obey’ as if all she brings is her title of servitude.
"
We had a small wedding. No aisle to walk down, no-one gave me away, no speeches made and we chose our vows. I only wore white because I found a nice dress (£15), and only had a ring because of pressure from my mum. I don't wear it. People should do whatever they are comfortable with. If they want something they deem 'traditional' and it makes them happy, then great. |
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Neither of my weddings have been traditional. Because I’m not. And nor are the women I’m attracted to.
I like that in Scotland you can have a humanist ceremony absolutely anywhere you like. The humanist celebrant holds the license to marry - not the venue/location. So they can come to you, wherever you like. (I believe that in England, that’s still not a thing - you need a licensed venue to be legally wed. Unless things have changed.) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There seems to be a bit of a trend now where couples form a doubled barrelled surname, eg if Mr Jones marries Ms Smith then they become Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones.
You also see a lot of footballers etc taking on the surnames of both parents and double barrelling them.
That’s all fine and good, but what if Mr Smith-Jones gets married to Ms Taylor-Wilson. Do they become Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones-Taylor-Wilson….  |
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"There seems to be a bit of a trend now where couples form a doubled barrelled surname, eg if Mr Jones marries Ms Smith then they become Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones.
You also see a lot of footballers etc taking on the surnames of both parents and double barrelling them.
That’s all fine and good, but what if Mr Smith-Jones gets married to Ms Taylor-Wilson. Do they become Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones-Taylor-Wilson…. "
There's definitely a trend of same sex couples going double barrelled. And I have also wondered the same thing about double barrelers marrying other double barrelers. What has the aristocracy done before now? They are often double barreled...... |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
"There seems to be a bit of a trend now where couples form a doubled barrelled surname, eg if Mr Jones marries Ms Smith then they become Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones.
You also see a lot of footballers etc taking on the surnames of both parents and double barrelling them.
That’s all fine and good, but what if Mr Smith-Jones gets married to Ms Taylor-Wilson. Do they become Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones-Taylor-Wilson…. "
Their has been a case I think by a celebrity who took legal action because they were legally no longer married so they could not claim the name |
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Someone I knew took his new wife's surname, it's quite unique and he didn't have a good relationship with his dad, so was glad to be rid of his surname.
I think I'd be double barrelled, not that I'm ever going to get married |
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"There seems to be a bit of a trend now where couples form a doubled barrelled surname, eg if Mr Jones marries Ms Smith then they become Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones.
You also see a lot of footballers etc taking on the surnames of both parents and double barrelling them.
That’s all fine and good, but what if Mr Smith-Jones gets married to Ms Taylor-Wilson. Do they become Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones-Taylor-Wilson…. "
And imagine if she was called Anne-Marie!!! |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
"I think when you've been divorced you don't have any entitlement to the name and should be removed and left either unknown or awaiting
So I’d have to be Felix Pending…."
Or something like this as your marriage certificate becomes like your driving license |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I took his name and didn't really think anything of it . When we got divorced I didn't switch back so I'd be the same as my sons, however now I'd quite like to. Mostly because I'm trying to claim my identity back as me and not just mum
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Never been married but if I had there is no way I would have changed my name and would not expect him to change his. Nor would I walk down the aisle by someone to be given away or sat at a top table like a stuffed doll whilst the groom, best man and father made a speech."
My ex and I walked down the aisle hand in hand. There's no way I'd have accepted being "given away". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Never been married but if I had there is no way I would have changed my name and would not expect him to change his. Nor would I walk down the aisle by someone to be given away or sat at a top table like a stuffed doll whilst the groom, best man and father made a speech.
My ex and I walked down the aisle hand in hand. There's no way I'd have accepted being "given away". "
I wanted us to walk down the aisle together, but I got married in covid so we just sort of stood in the aisle… while a traffic warden was giving me a parking ticket outside. It was a magical day
I think I could argue we are not legally married as we did not walk down the aisle |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I took Mr T’s name, I like his surname. I wasn’t asked, I wasn’t forced into it, it was purely my choice.
I like the traditional values, but that’s my choice. I know others who have kept their own names, I know people who have double barrelled their names.
It’s each persons choice!
Mrs |
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"There seems to be a bit of a trend now where couples form a doubled barrelled surname, eg if Mr Jones marries Ms Smith then they become Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones.
You also see a lot of footballers etc taking on the surnames of both parents and double barrelling them.
That’s all fine and good, but what if Mr Smith-Jones gets married to Ms Taylor-Wilson. Do they become Mr & Mrs Smith-Jones-Taylor-Wilson….
And imagine if she was called Anne-Marie!!!"
I’ve always thought this- where does it end? What if Mr Smith-Jones-Taylor-Wilson marries Miss Evans-Peters-Stevens-King ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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1st marriage she took my name family and wanted to have the same name as our kids, that proper family type of thing.
In the unlikely event I get married again the choice would be with that unfortunate soul if she wanted to change names or not, I'd never change mine though as being the youngest male in the family, logically the name dies with me atm, so want to keep it going as long as possible |
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By *avinaTVTV/TS
over a year ago
Transsexual Transylvania |
My wife hyphenated her surname with mine (she was Ms Hername-Myname). My name stayed the same.
Since she passed away unexpectedly last year, I've experienced deep regret that I never hyphenated my surname to match her. Stupid male tradition - it just never even occurred to me.
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"My wife hyphenated her surname with mine (she was Ms Hername-Myname). My name stayed the same.
Since she passed away unexpectedly last year, I've experienced deep regret that I never hyphenated my surname to match her. Stupid male tradition - it just never even occurred to me.
"
I don't have the right words but I have a hug for you xx
J |
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By *avinaTVTV/TS
over a year ago
Transsexual Transylvania |
"My wife hyphenated her surname with mine (she was Ms Hername-Myname). My name stayed the same.
Since she passed away unexpectedly last year, I've experienced deep regret that I never hyphenated my surname to match her. Stupid male tradition - it just never even occurred to me.
I don't have the right words but I have a hug for you xx
J"
Thank you. To lose your life traveller is to be drowned in regret. I never realised just how much. |
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"My wife hyphenated her surname with mine (she was Ms Hername-Myname). My name stayed the same.
Since she passed away unexpectedly last year, I've experienced deep regret that I never hyphenated my surname to match her. Stupid male tradition - it just never even occurred to me.
I don't have the right words but I have a hug for you xx
J
Thank you. To lose your life traveller is to be drowned in regret. I never realised just how much."
|
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"My wife hyphenated her surname with mine (she was Ms Hername-Myname). My name stayed the same.
Since she passed away unexpectedly last year, I've experienced deep regret that I never hyphenated my surname to match her. Stupid male tradition - it just never even occurred to me.
"
Wow. That hit me hard. I can only imagine what that feels like. I don't think that would have occurred to anyone ahead of time.
Have you thought about changing your name since?
I'm sorry for your loss and the pain you must be feeling. |
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By *avinaTVTV/TS
over a year ago
Transsexual Transylvania |
"My wife hyphenated her surname with mine (she was Ms Hername-Myname). My name stayed the same.
Since she passed away unexpectedly last year, I've experienced deep regret that I never hyphenated my surname to match her. Stupid male tradition - it just never even occurred to me. I'll continue to think about it, maybe I'll have clearer emotions in time.
Wow. That hit me hard. I can only imagine what that feels like. I don't think that would have occurred to anyone ahead of time.
Have you thought about changing your name since?
I'm sorry for your loss and the pain you must be feeling."
Thank you. I have considered it. But now I have the reverse problem. Our daughter has my surname, and I don't want her to feel somehow cutoff by me changing mine. I've enough regrets without messing up again. The time to have done this was when my wife was still with me. It's confusing, and sad. |
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so for me it was very important that my kids have the same as me 
