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Dad jokes
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By *r_PinkMan
over a year ago
london stratford |
I say I say I say.............
whats the difference between the people of Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
Drum roll please **********
the people of Dubai do not like the Flintstone but the people of Abu Dhabi doooooooooooooooooooooo!
I thank qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq |
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By *.T.Man
over a year ago
Glasgow |
A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "got any bread?"
No, he replies.
The duck goes on
"got any bread"
No
"got any bread"
NO
"Got any bread?"
No
this goes on for five minutes then the barman snaps
"If you ask if I have any bread one more time, I swear I'll nail that beak to the bar!"
The duck, somewhat taken aback,quietly supped his pint.
5 minutes past and the duck says:
"can I have a pint of lager and a packet of nails"
"Sorry" said the barman, "I'm fresh out of nails"
GOT ANY BREAD? |
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It's the summer of 1953 and Edmund Hillary is about to set foot on the summit of Everest.....
Just as he's about to take his final step onto the top of the world, he feels he safety rope tighten and pull him back.
So he turns around to the Sherpa Guide who's him and says....
"STOP THAT Tenzing!" |
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Theres a squid lying on the sea bed feeling ill...a whale swims up and says you ok mate?squid says no im feeling poorly could you drag me up to the surface so I can get some oxygen?..whales towing squid up to the surface when he sees his mate Charlie..he yells oi Charlie heres that six quid I owe you... |
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My eldest said to my Dad one time “Where do you find a dead cow?”…”Exactly where you left it”
Poor man is still laughing 
"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where’s my tractor?!
Has me cracking up everytime without fail"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A very regal looking fellow goes into a Pizza Hut in the middle of winter and says
I'll have a Good King Wencheslas Special please.- Deep pan crisp and even
"
Just made me think of another regal chap who visited pizza express and can't sweat |
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The dr said my wife had shown signs of coming out of her coma and that maybe sexual stimulation might trigger her to come out of it - not full sex they said that was risky but maybe oral might work… within minutes there were alarms ringing and machines bleeping - I thought - this sounds like its working… the medical staff rushed in .. the Dr said - you bloody nearly ch@ked her there!!!  |
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Bert an 82 year old goes to his GP for a check up..
Couple of days later the doctor spots him walking down the street happy as larry with really attractive young girl on
His arm...
When the girl goes into a shop the doctor approaches Bert and says you're looking good...
Bert says I'm doing what you said "get a hot mamma and be cheerful"
That's not what I said..I said "you've got a heart murmur be careful"
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A swingers family joke
Young lad talking to his dad, "dad I think I'm in love I've got a girlfriend" "oh who's that that then son" enquires the father "Rachel across the road" " oh I'm sorry son you can't date her" "why not...?"
"Don't tell your ma but she's your sister"
Week or two later "dad I think I'm in love again I've got a new girlfriend" " oh who's that then"
"Claire who lives 5 doors down"
"Sorry son you can't date her, don't tell your ma but she's also your sister.."
Despondent the lad stomps off to seek his ma "mum I'm really peeved off, every time I get a new girlfriend and tell dad he tells me I can't date her as she's my sister"
"Ah don't you worry sweet heart you date whoever you want, he's not your real dad" |
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My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push.
She gave it everything she had, until a fart, that from sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was mortified.
"Don't worry," i said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn't that right nurse?"
"Yes," said the nurse gagging, "But it's usually the mother not the father!" |
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products?"
"A satisfactory" 
***********************
Lady Smyth said to her butler Geeves
"Geeves - Take off my blouse"
"Geeves - Take off my Skirt"
"take off my bra!"
"Take off my knickers!"
"And don't you let me catch you wearing them again  |
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"Let's see if we can raise a few spirits,smiles and share a few laughs with the best and worst dad jokes
"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.""
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What does a 80 year old vagina and a pork pie have in common.
You have to break through the crust, lick out the jelly before you get to the meat.
The mr "
gross but funny |
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Absolutely devastated. 7 years of medical training and hard work resulting in a friend being struck off for a minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients. He is no longer able to continue in the profession he loves. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet! |
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By *ed969Man
over a year ago
leicester |
A man walks up to a blonde in a bar and says I'll give you a million pounds if I can bit your nipple. She thinks about it for a minute and says go on then, after around half an hour of kicking and sucking she asks him why he hasn't bitten them yet, well he says I don't actually have a million pounds. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Bert an 82 year old goes to his GP for a check up..
Couple of days later the doctor spots him walking down the street happy as larry with really attractive young girl on
His arm...
When the girl goes into a shop the doctor approaches Bert and says you're looking good...
Bert says I'm doing what you said "get a hot mamma and be cheerful"
That's not what I said..I said "you've got a heart murmur be careful"
"
Is this the same old fella who went to confession after he'd had a threesome with 21 year old twin sisters?
After he'd told the priest about his wild night the priest told him he needed to follow the usual post confession routines and God would forgive him.
"I don't know what that means. I've never been to a confession before"
"You're 82 years old and never been to confession before?", exclaimed the exasperated priest, "Why not?"
"Well, I'm not a Catholic", he replied.
"If you're not a Catholic why are you sat here telling me this?"
"I'm telling everyone"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Let's see if we can raise a few spirits,smiles and share a few laughs with the best and worst dad jokes
"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.""
This is a clothes thread ..it got too big |
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A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked.
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I wouldn't say the people in my club are stupid, but we went on a mystery tour and there was a sweep for the person who guessed correctly where we were going.
The coach driver won £230. |
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