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Lonely first time social
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Tried the Newport social yesterday and found it a lonely experience, didn't feel that there was an opportunity to chat to anyone as everyone was already in their circle of friends.
For a social to work for a single person do you already need to know people beforehand? |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
That will depend on the social.
When I'm at one where I know people I try to include anyone new, and so do the people who arrange them, usually.
Was it a big gathering?
I did go to one where there were a few groups of people who obviously knew each other standing in their corners chatting amongst themselves all evening. They could have arranged to do that themselves.
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
Did you make any attempt to join in, or were you waiting for an invite?
Did the hosts introduce you to anyone?
Socials are what you make of them, and if you make an effort to talk to people they will typically engage. |
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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago
yumsville |
I know people that can chat for hours to people they don't know within a few minutes. Personally I'm shit at making small talk unless at least a little familiar with someone. Whilst this was an event for people of a like mind, you still have to be open enough to engage. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sometimes they go like that. I’ve been to parties where I knew no one, just couldn’t find many ‘ins’ and came away feeling pretty hollow. And others where I was life and soul, spoke to everyone. Sometimes I think it’s the luck of the draw, you know? Don’t give up, give it another go. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I know people that can chat for hours to people they don't know within a few minutes. Personally I'm shit at making small talk unless at least a little familiar with someone. Whilst this was an event for people of a like mind, you still have to be open enough to engage. "
I can normally chat to anyone but there just didn't feel that was an opportunity to do so. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Sometimes they go like that. I’ve been to parties where I knew no one, just couldn’t find many ‘ins’ and came away feeling pretty hollow. And others where I was life and soul, spoke to everyone. Sometimes I think it’s the luck of the draw, you know? Don’t give up, give it another go."
Cheers. X |
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I talked to someone who went through those feelings at a munch I attend recently.
He felt excluded, not part of the conversation, like we weren't connecting with him.
When I spoke to him afterwards when he'd mentioned feeling that way I asked him what was upsetting for him.
The way we were all sat right next to each other while he was alone on the opposite side of the round table. I asked if anyone had pulled a closer chair away or indicated that he wasn't welcome to sit right with us. He said no, he just assumed and sat further away. Everyone had said hi to him when he arrived unless they were mid conversation, any of his comments and contributions were responded to when he did join in on conversations I was a part of.
A lot if it boils down to perception. If you believe you're unwanted and ignored, you're going to filter everything through that lens, and that's just not helpful. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I know people that can chat for hours to people they don't know within a few minutes. Personally I'm shit at making small talk unless at least a little familiar with someone. Whilst this was an event for people of a like mind, you still have to be open enough to engage.
I can normally chat to anyone but there just didn't feel that was an opportunity to do so."
I do speed chatting.
About 3 minutes to do the hello how are you stuff.
I then move on to someone else when their eyes glaze over.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I talked to someone who went through those feelings at a munch I attend recently.
He felt excluded, not part of the conversation, like we weren't connecting with him.
When I spoke to him afterwards when he'd mentioned feeling that way I asked him what was upsetting for him.
The way we were all sat right next to each other while he was alone on the opposite side of the round table. I asked if anyone had pulled a closer chair away or indicated that he wasn't welcome to sit right with us. He said no, he just assumed and sat further away. Everyone had said hi to him when he arrived unless they were mid conversation, any of his comments and contributions were responded to when he did join in on conversations I was a part of.
A lot if it boils down to perception. If you believe you're unwanted and ignored, you're going to filter everything through that lens, and that's just not helpful."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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These social gatherings are my worst nightmare and I avoid them like the plague, partly for the reasons you said and partly because I don't do well in crowds. Good for you for going though |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"Did you make any attempt to join in, or were you waiting for an invite?
Did the hosts introduce you to anyone?
Socials are what you make of them, and if you make an effort to talk to people they will typically engage."
It isn't that easy to just walk up to a huddle of people and join the conversation.
They may not want to talk to people they don't know, for a start.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I get that but when everyone is already in their social groups it feels like you are butting in.
No one was being rude but no one even said hello. The biggest exchange was at the door when the host said that she owes me 50p change from the raffle ticket.
I'm not complaining, just won't to one on my own in the future. |
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I've been to socials where people I've never spoken to before have messaged beforehand off the back of a forum comment to say how much they were looking forward to meeting me on the night.
I've turned up at the social and approached them to say hello only to be completely blanked but then received a further message the following day asking why I wasn't at the event?
Other socials are also set up like weddings with large round tables and exceptionally loud music where it's impossible to speak to anyone without shouting which isn't ideal for someone trying to make a good first impression.
Some socials aren't designed to be social. |
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"I get that but when everyone is already in their social groups it feels like you are butting in.
No one was being rude but no one even said hello. The biggest exchange was at the door when the host said that she owes me 50p change from the raffle ticket.
I'm not complaining, just won't to one on my own in the future. "
I don't know how fab socials work compared to munches to be honest. But if there's a thread or forum for it then use that to connect with people ahead of time is always helpful. Showing up completely unknown is a tough game, but if you've chatted to some of them even briefly online ahead of time it's a little easier to feel comfortable approaching them in person, or they may approach you if they recognise you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I find it really hard after the initial 'hi, I'm midnight'
I think you just have to persevere - usually chatting to someone at the bar 1:1 helps to make a connection - and then 'do you mind if i join you/your group, i don't know anyone' can be an icebreaker
My chat is lame, i need to up my game! |
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"Tried the Newport social yesterday and found it a lonely experience, didn't feel that there was an opportunity to chat to anyone as everyone was already in their circle of friends.
For a social to work for a single person do you already need to know people beforehand?"
Give it another go. I was a bit lost at my first social but my second was completely different. All the best for the future |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
Other socials are also set up like weddings with large round tables and exceptionally loud music where it's impossible to speak to anyone without shouting which isn't ideal for someone trying to make a good first impression. "
This is how I found it, so other socials are different then? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I rocked up to a vanilla social yesterday, all women, who had never met, bar the hosts. It was painful at tines, but as we started to break into smaller group it became easier to chat |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"Did you make any attempt to join in, or were you waiting for an invite?
Did the hosts introduce you to anyone?
Socials are what you make of them, and if you make an effort to talk to people they will typically engage.
It isn't that easy to just walk up to a huddle of people and join the conversation.
They may not want to talk to people they don't know, for a start.
"
No its not, but thats where looking for openings helps.
There may be little point trying to get in with a closed bunch, but if you make no attempt to look around to find openings then you will likely walk away feeling dejected.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Nope. I went to the Manchester social and enjoyed myself as a singleton. "
The Manchester 'pre-social' is brilliant as you get to know a smaller group of people first |
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It can be a very lonely experience. My personal opinion is that a social is well...a social and the hosts and other attendees would be aware of people on their own and try to include them. Approaching a group of people who already seem to know each other is extremely difficult for all but the most confident. I couldn't do it.
If you attend another social could you ask the host to introduce you to a few people of team up with another person and approach groups together? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What made it worse was I had offered to give a lift to someone to the social who had asked for a lift, gave me a time to pick them up etc and then when I arrived to pick them up they ghosted me and left me hanging. So I was already not feeling it I guess upon reflection as they were there. |
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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago
yumsville |
"What made it worse was I had offered to give a lift to someone to the social who had asked for a lift, gave me a time to pick them up etc and then when I arrived to pick them up they ghosted me and left me hanging. So I was already not feeling it I guess upon reflection as they were there."
This is probably why you were feeling left out. You see people wanting freebies all the time on updates but that doesn't mean you are in, more someone is using someone to get what they need. It shouldn't stop you from going to another or from giving another a lift, but realise it's a means to an end, there for yourself - to socialise. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
This is probably why you were feeling left out. You see people wanting freebies all the time on updates but that doesn't mean you are in, more someone is using someone to get what they need. "
Yeah, I didn't think that this would have meant that I was in, but I hate letting people down myself and I was genuinely worried something might have happened to them. A simple, "...no thanks, have plans..." would have been appreciated. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went to one
That was enough for me to know that really they aren't for me
I went with another forum member and tbh, save one person, no one spoke to either of us
It was very cliquey
TBH, unless you already know people, are a single female or a couple or a man that very much stands out, chances are they will be lonely
Of course, some would argue you need to out the effort in, but never in a month of Sundays would I consider plonking myself in the middle of an established group and interrupt their circle
I'm sure many single guys would feel the same way |
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This is the problem when people say go to socials and clubs.
They only work if you are sociable. If you are the type to stand there and wait for interactions then they won’t work.
It’s the same in normal clubs…if you’re the type to just prop the bar up and hope someone talks then you won’t get far at socials and sex clubs.
Fortune favours the brave…
K |
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It purely depends on the social and the mood of the people there. I've been to the same ones and seen completely different atmospheres. As outsider said do a 3 min chat with lots of people and move on, then you are bound to find someone you have stuff in common with. Remember though, it's fine to not have to like everyone. Same as other large groups of people there will be some you just don't gel with and that's ok  |
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We’ve been to a few socials, Bristol,Manchester, Nottingham,Liverpool, Birmingham and Lichvegas. All we’re good and as long as you put some effort in on the group chat beforehand we’ve never struggled. That said from time to time we’ve found ourselves on our own and at that point we’ve just gone and said hello to a group of people chatting. Everyone at every social has been super friendly and we think these events are by far the best way to make new connections and would recommend trying a social to everyone. |
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"Tried the Newport social yesterday and found it a lonely experience, didn't feel that there was an opportunity to chat to anyone as everyone was already in their circle of friends.
For a social to work for a single person do you already need to know people beforehand?"
It's not on for people to say you have to make the first move. In fact it shows they are not really thinking the whole thing through ...
Anyone can say 'we are all meeting at x on such a date.' ..... That DOESN'T make the meet sociable for all.
Good organisers ensure there are ways of breaking the ice and getting people to consider everyone there.
It's not just swinging. I've been to a couple of so called 'socials' ( vanilla ) and it's much the same. It's just friends who sit in a crowd and singles who sit in the same crowd.
Believe me .... I'm sociable. So no one has to say something useless like , 'why don't you speak to people?'
Those in 2's and more are sorted so they don't give a tinkers tit about those that aren't.
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By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Dorchester |
"Tried the Newport social yesterday and found it a lonely experience, didn't feel that there was an opportunity to chat to anyone as everyone was already in their circle of friends.
For a social to work for a single person do you already need to know people beforehand?"
The more isolated you feel the more isolated you become. I'm very out there in the right situation, i go to clubs and i can chat for England but i went to a London social a few years ago and knew two of the women there but they were getting so much attention i couldn't get in so i actually left and went to a bar down the road where i met 3 beautiful women and had a great time, c'est la vie  |
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"Tried the Newport social yesterday and found it a lonely experience, didn't feel that there was an opportunity to chat to anyone as everyone was already in their circle of friends.
For a social to work for a single person do you already need to know people beforehand?"
Hey OP. I feel your pain! I don’t know you at all but you strike me as someone who is not the most confident and outgoing in unfamiliar social situations.
As a child - young adult I was painfully shy and wouldn’t talk to anyone. I never went to social occasions and, when I had to, I would hope someone would draw me in and ask me questions so I could feel included.
It mainly came down to thinking all my conversation had to be sparkling/hilarious/fascinating. The reality is people are likely to just want to chat about normal stuff.
I just decided being a wallflower wouldn’t work for me in life and made myself approach people and talk bollocks. If you are on the guest list for an organised social or other event, you belong. It means you have stuff in common with everyone else there.
Go to another one. Get chatting to people on the social thread beforehand and tell people you’re going on your own and it’s your first one. Hopefully someone will pull you in.
When you get there, steel yourself and just join a group. Edge into the chat with little contributions, ask open questions, laugh etc.
sometimes the easiest thing to is pay a compliment - maybe someone’s outfit. It’s a great thing to do and a handy ‘in’.
Please don’t let one negative experience put you off. That said, the onus is on you to make things happen. Good luck! |
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"Tried the Newport social yesterday and found it a lonely experience, didn't feel that there was an opportunity to chat to anyone as everyone was already in their circle of friends.
For a social to work for a single person do you already need to know people beforehand?
It's not on for people to say you have to make the first move. In fact it shows they are not really thinking the whole thing through ...
Anyone can say 'we are all meeting at x on such a date.' ..... That DOESN'T make the meet sociable for all.
Good organisers ensure there are ways of breaking the ice and getting people to consider everyone there.
It's not just swinging. I've been to a couple of so called 'socials' ( vanilla ) and it's much the same. It's just friends who sit in a crowd and singles who sit in the same crowd.
Believe me .... I'm sociable. So no one has to say something useless like , 'why don't you speak to people?'
Those in 2's and more are sorted so they don't give a tinkers tit about those that aren't.
"
Well someone has to approach someone else, a group of people talking are a lot less likely to do so. If you're there on your own then need to bite the bullet.
I went to Newport one on my own and was the first one, said to organiser I didn't see any I knew and she asked a regular to introduce me to some people.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks, I am actually incredibly confident and usually very versatile in any social situation but just didn't get on yesterday so I've put it down as a learning experience. |
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I've been to a few socials now and they do seem to vary.
Due to my wonky brain, I either do paranoid mute, or verbal assault. So I'll have a drink to calm my nerves and that makes me worse.
First one was on my own. Said hello to loads of people, and then nothing... felt very isolated, so had a drink and tried again... Still nothing. Left.
Second, I went with people I knew online. Found it very cliquy. Had argument with touchy feely guy. Sat in garden on my own drinking and eating chips.
Last one, took a friend. Felt a bit isolated at first, but then someone spoke to me, and I didn't shut up all night. Then got paranoid I went OTT, so now don't want to go to socials.
And you think you have problems OP
Seriously though, it can be difficult as a single person to feel included in things. I'd suggest trying another, and ask the hosts to introduce you. |
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"Thanks, I am actually incredibly confident and usually very versatile in any social situation but just didn't get on yesterday so I've put it down as a learning experience. "
Go again in a few months when next one is on and just approach small groups or couples. |
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By *r_PinkMan
over a year ago
london stratford |
"It purely depends on the social and the mood of the people there. I've been to the same ones and seen completely different atmospheres. As outsider said do a 3 min chat with lots of people and move on, then you are bound to find someone you have stuff in common with. Remember though, it's fine to not have to like everyone. Same as other large groups of people there will be some you just don't gel with and that's ok "
I just turn up looking like I am having a heart attack and then Comtessa WinklePickerFind starts talking to me |
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OP try a different social if you’re willing to travel. The Birmingham ones are interactive. They have speed dating before hand and are really good hosts. Get everyone talking etc.
that’s why I avoid the local ones, I’ve heard it’s just a load of cliques. |
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Oh and also with the Birmingham and Manchester one (I believe) you join a group chat a couple of weeks before. They have a separate introduction one. You make friends leading up to them.
That’s how socials should be in my opinion. |
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Never had an issue at a munch, but socials are another matter.
Munches are generally a broader mix, and I'm not trying to play with anyone (it might happen, but not the plan)
Socials are meat markets, looking for potential playmates. |
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I'm quite shy but at the socials you do have to make some effort to go and speak to people, it's not everyone else's effort to include you however nice and easier that would be.
We've only been to Manchester & Leeds as much as people had their own groups we managed to chat and met some lovely people, you have to put yourself out there a bit.
Mrs |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Tried the Newport social yesterday and found it a lonely experience, didn't feel that there was an opportunity to chat to anyone as everyone was already in their circle of friends.
For a social to work for a single person do you already need to know people beforehand?
It's not on for people to say you have to make the first move. In fact it shows they are not really thinking the whole thing through ...
Anyone can say 'we are all meeting at x on such a date.' ..... That DOESN'T make the meet sociable for all.
Good organisers ensure there are ways of breaking the ice and getting people to consider everyone there.
It's not just swinging. I've been to a couple of so called 'socials' ( vanilla ) and it's much the same. It's just friends who sit in a crowd and singles who sit in the same crowd.
Believe me .... I'm sociable. So no one has to say something useless like , 'why don't you speak to people?'
Those in 2's and more are sorted so they don't give a tinkers tit about those that aren't.
"
I agree with this. We've hosted socials (not fab ones) some knew eachother and us, some didn't. We made a point of including everyone, introducing people and spreading our time so we spoke to everyone and no one was left out. It's hard work but as a host, it's your job to mingle, talk and not leave anyone stood on their own.
Pxx |
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By *viatrixWoman
over a year ago
Redhill |
I’ve been lucky in the sense that the hostesses of the socials I’ve been to always make a point of introducing any newbies to people there. I find it also helps if you arrive early!
One time I arrived late and the social was in full swing- so I asked the host to introduce me to some of the people around me. It worked really well. |
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By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Dorchester |
"I’ve been lucky in the sense that the hostesses of the socials I’ve been to always make a point of introducing any newbies to people there. I find it also helps if you arrive early!
One time I arrived late and the social was in full swing- so I asked the host to introduce me to some of the people around me. It worked really well. "
Its much different for women though firstly because you would be in the minority as you are here, secondly because all of the focus is on you as it is here and thirdly because you can only chat to one person at a time which is kind of like here  |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
I’m rubbish at socials and clubs unless I go with people and/or have a few friends there , even then I get bored after a while.
Much prefer 1-2-1 meets for this lifestyle and places where I can here what people are saying and don’t need to shout |
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Firstly Sorry you felt that way it can be hard for anyone attending socials on their own .
We usually attend Newport social but we couldn’t make it yesterday.It’s a very large social loud music lots of people and even tho when we attend we know lots of people it’s not the type of social where chatting is going to be easy over the loud noise .
The people that run it are brilliant and also run a few more in wales they do a Bridgend social also which is a lot smaller and no loud music and probably a much easier social to sit down and chat to people at.
Maybe try a few of the smaller ones first and get to know people so if you decide in future to try the Newport one again you will recognise people and not feel so alone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think this is more common than you'd think. I've read a few similar threads and heard stories.
I guess if you're not the most confident it might take a while before you start chatting away to people. Maybe give it a few more shots with no expectations? It's fantastic that you went and tried it. Maybe it will be easier the next few times, and as time goes on you'll find out if it's just a normal newbie thing or if it is infact too cliquey. After that, you can decide whether it's worth continuing with or not.
Have fun.  |
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The OP needs to learn how to integrate with others in this environment. They need to learn about making small talk that gets noticed. Comment on how someone's dress, their hair, their perfume, a tattoo and make them feel flattered, or at least recognise something that shows they are interesting
to you, be sincere too.
It can be an intimidating experience but it's the bread and butter stuff that strangers need to master. Honestly, you can do this anywhere, in a queue, pub or supermarket, just don't be creepy.
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I'm shy but I do push myself to chat to strangers.
I have been to a fairly large social and I thought I was awful. I was on the group chat beforehand and found that very cliques. The hosts were no where to be seen as I walked in. The groups of cliques who glared at new people.
I would not go back to that social but I do go to others and have a good time.
OP, it's not a nice feeling but try going to a different social and see if you get a better experience. |
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I've been to a club, and been involved quickly, then on the next occasion, when a group came in who all knew each other, and felt excluded. Pot luck really, but do try and chat, or at least push your way into a group, as someone will at least acknowledge you, and go from there |
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As the profile name would suggest we host one.
Each social will differ as they will differ slightly to the night the hosts want to put on.
With ours we try to have some entertainment too that if it can will get others mixing.
But we haven’t got it right all the time. We had a guitarist and singer at our second and though he was ace some struggled to hear.
So haven’t done that since.
We had casino tables last time which got people interacting around one another and speed dating.
That can be an ace way to start.
We always do a pre chat too, and we know as our guests do say themselves for people to come and find them or they will keep an eye out for those on their own.
I’ve always said come find me and will make intros.
We do have regulars and obviously they will want to catch up, but they love welcoming new faces.
We find regulars love new faces attending.
It’s not easy when you don’t have a wing man, but get the right social and they are ace.
Upthebrum is a great one too for singles.
Don’t let once put you off |
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Sorry to hear that OP, I’ve been to a few of the London ones and the hosts have been very good at introducing you round to everyone on arrival. And there have been other equally nervous single guys there so didn’t immediately feel like I was on my own.
I can also see how it can be intimidating trying to break into a ‘circle’ of conversation. But as others have said, keep at it - maybe try another one. |
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By *oxy jWoman
over a year ago
taunton somerset |
i think the whole lifestyle is going to be hard if your shy and for some impossible most swingers are out going people ... saying that me n hubs will talk to anyone at socials or clubs if they are shy or not most are fine however there are a tiny few that assume because we spoke we are interested in fun ... and thats a no no |
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