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You can say no at any time
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
Inspired by the thread about getting naked but not wanting to hijack it with a slightly different question.
What do you do if you met somebody for a social and that went ok, you then proceed to meeting them again and have a bite to eat, both thinking initially that this is going somewhere but then, for some reason (something that was said or done) you decide that you no longer want to have sex with them.
Awkward for sure. How do you get out of that situation, not wanting to cause offense, if you do not want to proceed?
Genuine question. |
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We always state just before a meet that if anyone not comfortable with anything then they have the right to say no even if all others want it to go further. At end of day it needs to be good for all and we always respect that decision  |
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"Inspired by the thread about getting naked but not wanting to hijack it with a slightly different question.
What do you do if you met somebody for a social and that went ok, you then proceed to meeting them again and have a bite to eat, both thinking initially that this is going somewhere but then, for some reason (something that was said or done) you decide that you no longer want to have sex with them.
Awkward for sure. How do you get out of that situation, not wanting to cause offense, if you do not want to proceed?
Genuine question."
Be honest and don't go head .rather than having unforfulling sex. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"We always state just before a meet that if anyone not comfortable with anything then they have the right to say no even if all others want it to go further. At end of day it needs to be good for all and we always respect that decision "
Within a party environment absolutely. In a one to one it just feels so difficult though. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Inspired by the thread about getting naked but not wanting to hijack it with a slightly different question.
What do you do if you met somebody for a social and that went ok, you then proceed to meeting them again and have a bite to eat, both thinking initially that this is going somewhere but then, for some reason (something that was said or done) you decide that you no longer want to have sex with them.
Awkward for sure. How do you get out of that situation, not wanting to cause offense, if you do not want to proceed?
Genuine question.
Be honest and don't go head .rather than having unforfulling sex. "
I agree that would be best because if you do proceed you feel awful after for a number of reasons. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Does this happen, most men i meet want it to move past a social there and then, I’ve never heard of having a social then meeting for food. Where do I find these strange creatures that want to treat me like more than just a sex doll?!  |
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Maybe I'm different to most but I've never yet gone to a social with the expectation of sex.
I go to meet new people first and foremost and have met people socially more than once without any discussion about sex or the possibility.
The closest I've come to this scenario is after driving 3½ hrs to meet someone they automatically assumed that I'd done it once so there was nothing to stop me doing it again.
They took offence at my refusal among other things and the ensuing drama meant I left the site for a year. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Does this happen, most men i meet want it to move past a social there and then, I’ve never heard of having a social then meeting for food. Where do I find these strange creatures that want to treat me like more than just a sex doll?! "
Sorry maybe I was not explaining it well. So first meeting completely social and quite pleasant. Second meeting includes some food and a drink before moving on.
I think I cam answering it myself now - it should be at this point where one could say, actually really enjoyed the social and chat but I am not feeling it. Still awkward as hell but better than going ahead.  |
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"Be adult about it and just say it like it is.You know I think I could do that but my concern would be about the response I am getting which would not be so "adult"?"
If you don't get an adult response back then it proves your instincts were right to not take things further x |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
I'll just say sorry but I'm not interested in taking this any farther.
It's quite simple really if the other person can't take a no then they are not someone I want to meet anyhow. And I don't do pity fucks anymore I admit I did it once and I felt like crap after so now I won't be guilted into fucking someone if I don't actually want to.
And I would want someone to be honest with me too than actually just go ahead because they thought it would be too awkward to say no . |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Be honest with them- it’s your body- don’t make excuses- just tell them as it is. "
What would you do if it happened to you? I am curious how a man would respond? Well, some men...
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Does this happen, most men i meet want it to move past a social there and then, I’ve never heard of having a social then meeting for food. Where do I find these strange creatures that want to treat me like more than just a sex doll?! "
Rare as they might be we are here  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Be adult about it and just say it like it is.You know I think I could do that but my concern would be about the response I am getting which would not be so "adult"?
If you don't get an adult response back then it proves your instincts were right to not take things further x"
This |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I'll just say sorry but I'm not interested in taking this any farther.
It's quite simple really if the other person can't take a no then they are not someone I want to meet anyhow. And I don't do pity fucks anymore I admit I did it once and I felt like crap after so now I won't be guilted into fucking someone if I don't actually want to.
And I would want someone to be honest with me too than actually just go ahead because they thought it would be too awkward to say no ."
Good point because it could also be the other way round, couldn't it? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Does this happen, most men i meet want it to move past a social there and then, I’ve never heard of having a social then meeting for food. Where do I find these strange creatures that want to treat me like more than just a sex doll?! Sorry maybe I was not explaining it well. So first meeting completely social and quite pleasant. Second meeting includes some food and a drink before moving on.
I think I cam answering it myself now - it should be at this point where one could say, actually really enjoyed the social and chat but I am not feeling it. Still awkward as hell but better than going ahead. "
Thats what I suggested.
If they are anything other than disappointed, your instincts were bang on |
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In most case for me when I get to a social meet is because we spoke for a long time first eastblished a rap our and the meeting is simply confirming that we are moving in to the next stage .or its been agreed that its just social meet . |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Does this happen, most men i meet want it to move past a social there and then, I’ve never heard of having a social then meeting for food. Where do I find these strange creatures that want to treat me like more than just a sex doll?! Sorry maybe I was not explaining it well. So first meeting completely social and quite pleasant. Second meeting includes some food and a drink before moving on.
I think I cam answering it myself now - it should be at this point where one could say, actually really enjoyed the social and chat but I am not feeling it. Still awkward as hell but better than going ahead.
Thats what I suggested.
If they are anything other than disappointed, your instincts were bang on"
Yeah, think you are right. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"In most case for me when I get to a social meet is because we spoke for a long time first eastblished a rap our and the meeting is simply confirming that we are moving in to the next stage .or its been agreed that its just social meet ."
I know where I went wrong actually - I must have s given the impression it was a foregone conclusion that the second meet would lead to playtime. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Does this happen, most men i meet want it to move past a social there and then, I’ve never heard of having a social then meeting for food. Where do I find these strange creatures that want to treat me like more than just a sex doll?!
Rare as they might be we are here "
Nice to know! |
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By *ornycougaWoman
over a year ago
Wherever I lay my hat |
I have been in this position. Indeed I have gone further than that... Had a second meet with a guy and as soon as we started getting down to it I realised that I wanted it to stop (we had had tipsy hot sex first time we met but he had turned in to an arrogant, selfish wannabe porn star in the intervening period). I asked him to stop as I wasn't feeling it. I won't lie to save their feelings or make it any less awkward. And I certainly wasn't going to continue because I didn't want to have a difficult conversation. I would want the same if the tables were turned. Just be honest. |
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I don't think you can get out of it without causing at least mild offence. The other person will surely feel slightly rejected at best and utterly downcast at worst.
We've had a couple of multiple socials with men that have lead nowhere. In some cases at their behest and in some at ours. The men usually just stop responding to messages and we usually send a polite message saying we aren't able to take things further for some reason |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I have been in this position. Indeed I have gone further than that... Had a second meet with a guy and as soon as we started getting down to it I realised that I wanted it to stop (we had had tipsy hot sex first time we met but he had turned in to an arrogant, selfish wannabe porn star in the intervening period). I asked him to stop as I wasn't feeling it. I won't lie to save their feelings or make it any less awkward. And I certainly wasn't going to continue because I didn't want to have a difficult conversation. I would want the same if the tables were turned. Just be honest. "
That is also really helpful! Thanks |
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"Be adult about it and just say it like it is.You know I think I could do that but my concern would be about the response I am getting which would not be so "adult"?
If you don't get an adult response back then it proves your instincts were right to not take things further x"
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I don't think you can get out of it without causing at least mild offence. The other person will surely feel slightly rejected at best and utterly downcast at worst.
We've had a couple of multiple socials with men that have lead nowhere. In some cases at their behest and in some at ours. The men usually just stop responding to messages and we usually send a polite message saying we aren't able to take things further for some reason "
I think you are spot on with saying no at that stage e.g. 2nd meet, will cause some degree of upset (unless they are feeling it as well) and that is probably what I need to accept, that awkward feeling of having upset somebody. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"If they had changed their mind, how would you like them to let you know? X"
Really good question. I think I would be more grateful for their honesty than upset about the rejection if that makes sense?
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"I don't think you can get out of it without causing at least mild offence. The other person will surely feel slightly rejected at best and utterly downcast at worst.
We've had a couple of multiple socials with men that have lead nowhere. In some cases at their behest and in some at ours. The men usually just stop responding to messages and we usually send a polite message saying we aren't able to take things further for some reason I think you are spot on with saying no at that stage e.g. 2nd meet, will cause some degree of upset (unless they are feeling it as well) and that is probably what I need to accept, that awkward feeling of having upset somebody. "
I think most of us (women especially) like to avoid upsetting other people but it's an unavoidable fact of life. We're taught from early on to be nice, not to 'lead men on', to avoid conflict etc. Possibly if everyone was more open in a tactful way we'd all be able to accept rejection more easily. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I don't think you can get out of it without causing at least mild offence. The other person will surely feel slightly rejected at best and utterly downcast at worst.
We've had a couple of multiple socials with men that have lead nowhere. In some cases at their behest and in some at ours. The men usually just stop responding to messages and we usually send a polite message saying we aren't able to take things further for some reason I think you are spot on with saying no at that stage e.g. 2nd meet, will cause some degree of upset (unless they are feeling it as well) and that is probably what I need to accept, that awkward feeling of having upset somebody.
I think most of us (women especially) like to avoid upsetting other people but it's an unavoidable fact of life. We're taught from early on to be nice, not to 'lead men on', to avoid conflict etc. Possibly if everyone was more open in a tactful way we'd all be able to accept rejection more easily. "
So true! |
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"If they had changed their mind, how would you like them to let you know? X"
I would like someone to make it clear in a tactful way. I think we all know that the 'emergency at home' phone call is tactical but if someone receives such a call while they're with me I'm getting the message loud and clear. I'd still feel miffed but I'd also feel that face saving had occured |
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"Inspired by the thread about getting naked but not wanting to hijack it with a slightly different question.
What do you do if you met somebody for a social and that went ok, you then proceed to meeting them again and have a bite to eat, both thinking initially that this is going somewhere but then, for some reason (something that was said or done) you decide that you no longer want to have sex with them.
Awkward for sure. How do you get out of that situation, not wanting to cause offense, if you do not want to proceed?
Genuine question."
you tell them you're going to loo and disappear  |
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"If they had changed their mind, how would you like them to let you know? X
I would like someone to make it clear in a tactful way. I think we all know that the 'emergency at home' phone call is tactical but if someone receives such a call while they're with me I'm getting the message loud and clear. I'd still feel miffed but I'd also feel that face saving had occured "
Yeah I don’t think it would bother me done that way to be honest. It would mortify me if someone went through with it if they didn’t want to! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Tell the Truth. Why sugar coat . "
Being generally honest instead of coming up with excuses leaves the other person with a sense of closure. No what if I did this or that. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Inspired by the thread about getting naked but not wanting to hijack it with a slightly different question.
What do you do if you met somebody for a social and that went ok, you then proceed to meeting them again and have a bite to eat, both thinking initially that this is going somewhere but then, for some reason (something that was said or done) you decide that you no longer want to have sex with them.
Awkward for sure. How do you get out of that situation, not wanting to cause offense, if you do not want to proceed?
Genuine question.you tell them you're going to loo and disappear "
Not so great if you are on the fifth floor |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Tell the Truth. Why sugar coat . Being generally honest instead of coming up with excuses leaves the other person with a sense of closure. No what if I did this or that. "
I think I would prefer that if it were me being rejected. People cannot help whom they fancy and whom they don't |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Tell the Truth. Why sugar coat . Being generally honest instead of coming up with excuses leaves the other person with a sense of closure. No what if I did this or that. I think I would prefer that if it were me being rejected. People cannot help whom they fancy and whom they don't"
Exactly no sense in being offended. |
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If someone feels like they can’t say to no to me then I’m doing something wrong. I will always check before anything happens that they are happy to proceed a couple of times. If they are unsure then it’s a no from me to take the pressure off.
If it’s a no from me then I just don’t push the issue and be honest on reasons why.
Beard |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Be honest with them- it’s your body- don’t make excuses- just tell them as it is. What would you do if it happened to you? I am curious how a man would respond? Well, some men..."
I respect a woman- I’m a human not an animal- I will fully respect your choices and hold your honesty in high regard. I hate lying and appreciate the truth |
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By * F 2018Couple
over a year ago
shropshire |
"Inspired by the thread about getting naked but not wanting to hijack it with a slightly different question.
What do you do if you met somebody for a social and that went ok, you then proceed to meeting them again and have a bite to eat, both thinking initially that this is going somewhere but then, for some reason (something that was said or done) you decide that you no longer want to have sex with them.
Awkward for sure. How do you get out of that situation, not wanting to cause offense, if you do not want to proceed?
Genuine question."
Sorry...its goodnight from us!  |
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Just get through the date and then fizzle out the messages over time, you never know that person reaction if your very truthful and blunt face to face, it's all about safety also remember this person female/male are really strangers to you so don't know if they will react badly. It's tough one, I myself always meet in a bar and say let's just meet like old Friends meeting after years so there is no expectation from either side. |
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"Be adult about it and just say it like it is.You know I think I could do that but my concern would be about the response I am getting which would not be so "adult"?"
Erm hate to say this but if your feeling this way about it now, should you be having a second meet at all... ?
Is it likely to become suddenly ok.....obviousley something's triggering doubts.....instincts tend to be right first time...
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"I always highlight before a meet that there is no expectations for play. "
exactly how it should be and if its one drink and 30mins later you both depart then all good, there's obviously lots of seductive pics vids on here from both sexes but that doesn't mean its on offer on a meet.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If I could have your attention for this sweeping statement…..
If you’re not comfortable saying “no” when you want to, you probably shouldn’t be there in the first place.
Thank you
Carry on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've never been in that position but I think I would just excuse myself and say that I have to get back for some reason or another.
It is something I'm conscious of when I do meet that even if we've been flirty up until the meet, sex isn't guaranteed so I can almost be too casual and talk myself out it even if they're definitely interested  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"“I’m really sorry but I’ve changed my mind”.
That would be my preferred option but it kind of feels so offensive?"
I wouldn't be offended
I would,however, feel hurt if I thought someone felt they needed to blag their way out of taking things further
Be open
Be honest
Be true to your gut |
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I agree being truthful is right thing to do, but a example a woman meets a guy for the very first time and after a drink or couple the woman says its been lovely meeting but not for me but wish you well now the guys reaction would be???????? That's the million dollar question what would his reaction be? No one knows especially the woman as meeting for first time. Think safety at all times, I'm new here but heard loads stories on forums where people don't turn up etc and where forums get heated if they don't get messages etc etc, now that's just a minority small percentage. It applies on other dating sites too. Just because you see pics talk on phone doesn't mean everything is perfect the meeting is the key, and prob 99% of meets will go perfect even if there is zero connection but always have the safety part of brain tuned in always. This could also apply to men but I'm sure all you women are lovely  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If I could have your attention for this sweeping statement…..
If you’re not comfortable saying “no” when you want to, you probably shouldn’t be there in the first place.
Thank you
Carry on. "
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
Thank you so much for all the contributions, yes, I appreciate every single one!
So just to summarise again, I am not generally uncomfortable saying no. And it was not about a first meet (I always set the expectation that NOTHING is going to happen on the first meet beforehand and first meets always happen n a very public place!)
My question relates to a second or third meet with the person and something just does not feel quite right, maybe the attraction is just not there any more, maybe they said or did something that put you off since first meeting... either way you just don't feel it anymore but the other person has no inkling about you having second thoughts and changed your mind.
I guess as somebody pointed out, I do not particularly like to disappoint anybody (although they actually be more disappointed if I went ahead and had sex with them ... but joke aside, I am getting the message that I need to find a phrase that will be diplomatic in effectively stating a rejection based on my having changed my mind. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank you so much for all the contributions, yes, I appreciate every single one!
So just to summarise again, I am not generally uncomfortable saying no. And it was not about a first meet (I always set the expectation that NOTHING is going to happen on the first meet beforehand and first meets always happen n a very public place!)
My question relates to a second or third meet with the person and something just does not feel quite right, maybe the attraction is just not there any more, maybe they said or did something that put you off since first meeting... either way you just don't feel it anymore but the other person has no inkling about you having second thoughts and changed your mind.
I guess as somebody pointed out, I do not particularly like to disappoint anybody (although they actually be more disappointed if I went ahead and had sex with them ... but joke aside, I am getting the message that I need to find a phrase that will be diplomatic in effectively stating a rejection based on my having changed my mind."
It is difficult for all the reasons that have been discussed. And it's hard because they may have a different view of how things might progress and you're effectively quashing any hopes they might have. But it is important to find a way of putting it that shows it's not up for discussion or debate so that you can close it off there. They may well ask why you've come to your decision but you don't have to come up with a list. Good luck and I hope you can work it out x |
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By *gent CoulsonMan
over a year ago
Secret hideaway in the pennines |
At the end of the day, the experience has to be mutual, both parties are allowed to change their minds.
I have always found the honest approach is the best.
Just say you are not feeling that spark and that it isn't going to go anywhere
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By *oxy jWoman
over a year ago
somerset |
"Inspired by the thread about getting naked but not wanting to hijack it with a slightly different question.
What do you do if you met somebody for a social and that went ok, you then proceed to meeting them again and have a bite to eat, both thinking initially that this is going somewhere but then, for some reason (something that was said or done) you decide that you no longer want to have sex with them.
Awkward for sure. How do you get out of that situation, not wanting to cause offense, if you do not want to proceed?
Genuine question."
this does happen and when it doesim honest and just tell them and either i walk away or they do ... its another reason to make sure your doing everthing safely it can happen both ways all part n parcel of swinging .... no is no no matter what or when ... i would not carry on |
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"Inspired by the thread about getting naked but not wanting to hijack it with a slightly different question.
What do you do if you met somebody for a social and that went ok, you then proceed to meeting them again and have a bite to eat, both thinking initially that this is going somewhere but then, for some reason (something that was said or done) you decide that you no longer want to have sex with them.
Awkward for sure. How do you get out of that situation, not wanting to cause offense, if you do not want to proceed?
Genuine question.you tell them you're going to loo and disappear Not so great if you are on the fifth floor"
yes but the loos in reception  |
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