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Bisexual Ethical non-monogamy
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Would love to hear from people who have experience in romantic ethical polyamorous relationships. We are a MF married couple and love the idea of a romantic third partner, however, we don’t know how practical this would be in reality, considering all the other things we have to navigate - parenting, work, friends, family etc.
I think our ‘unicorn’ would need to be male and bisexual, who would potentially develop feelings for both of us, and ideally in equal measure. Safe to say that’s asking a lot on a hook-up site but interested in the opinions of anyone with experience. Thanks xx |
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That's just not how feelings work.
Unicorning as a swinger is fun. Unicorning as a poly person is not.
There's the inherent couples privilege, the simple fact that you will like one more than the other, the dirty little secret and invisibility to deal with. It's not a nice situation. |
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"That's just not how feelings work.
Unicorning as a swinger is fun. Unicorning as a poly person is not.
There's the inherent couples privilege, the simple fact that you will like one more than the other, the dirty little secret and invisibility to deal with. It's not a nice situation."
That’s great insight.
Seriously. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"That's just not how feelings work.
Unicorning as a swinger is fun. Unicorning as a poly person is not.
There's the inherent couples privilege, the simple fact that you will like one more than the other, the dirty little secret and invisibility to deal with. It's not a nice situation."
Thank you, that was really helpful. This is also exactly why we think it would not work. Our current scenario with regular fb’s we can both enjoy together seems to be the best way forward for us. |
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"Thank you, that was really helpful. This is also exactly why we think it would not work. Our current scenario with regular fb’s we can both enjoy together seems to be the best way forward for us."
Honestly the best thing to do is aim for casual.
It is possible for feelings to develop. But the chances of it being equal enough for what you want are next to none.
Romantic triads are more like 3 dyads with an added layer of complexity on top. Add in what happens when one dyad falls apart and how to navigate that. It's a lot of stress and a lot to ask of someone, especially when the most common thing is the unicorn gets tossed by both partners. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thank you, that was really helpful. This is also exactly why we think it would not work. Our current scenario with regular fb’s we can both enjoy together seems to be the best way forward for us.
Honestly the best thing to do is aim for casual.
It is possible for feelings to develop. But the chances of it being equal enough for what you want are next to none.
Romantic triads are more like 3 dyads with an added layer of complexity on top. Add in what happens when one dyad falls apart and how to navigate that. It's a lot of stress and a lot to ask of someone, especially when the most common thing is the unicorn gets tossed by both partners."
Again, that’s really helpful and exactly what our instincts are telling us. Thank you x |
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It can happen, its just finding that right person and having the friendship as the core part, then the feelings will flow. But it will require consistent time to nurture the relationship.
Maybe write down all your time commitments and see how much you can devote to a expanded relationship.
Good luck OP  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It can happen, its just finding that right person and having the friendship as the core part, then the feelings will flow. But it will require consistent time to nurture the relationship.
Maybe write down all your time commitments and see how much you can devote to a expanded relationship.
Good luck OP "
Thank you so much. Love the optimism  |
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We had a poly relationship a few years ago and the same thing happened that the poster above mentioned. The relationship was stronger with one partner and the throuple became a double, but we didn't communicate that it wasn't working, so it all got messy.
Sharing attention between three people is very difficult but communication is key. |
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A triad can work but communication is crucial.
It's much easier to set out the boundaries and, in my opinion, keep your current partner as your primary and make it clear to anyone coming in that they are secondaries. That doesn't then stop them finding a primary of their own.
We are a lot more comfortable finding other partners who are already in a ENM relationship rather than singles. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A triad can work but communication is crucial.
It's much easier to set out the boundaries and, in my opinion, keep your current partner as your primary and make it clear to anyone coming in that they are secondaries. That doesn't then stop them finding a primary of their own.
We are a lot more comfortable finding other partners who are already in a ENM relationship rather than singles. "
That makes complete sense. Also, when you have a long history with your current partner and share parental responsibilities, it’s hard to imagine how a third person could ever equal that. |
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"A triad can work but communication is crucial.
It's much easier to set out the boundaries and, in my opinion, keep your current partner as your primary and make it clear to anyone coming in that they are secondaries. That doesn't then stop them finding a primary of their own.
We are a lot more comfortable finding other partners who are already in a ENM relationship rather than singles.
That makes complete sense. Also, when you have a long history with your current partner and share parental responsibilities, it’s hard to imagine how a third person could ever equal that."
The other danger to look out for, is New Relationship Energy (NRE) It is that feeling of new discovery before you find out some of the not so amazing stuff about someone. It can really cloud the judgement. Again it's really important to openly discuss this with your long term partner. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That's just not how feelings work.
*Unicorning as a swinger is fun. Unicorning as a poly person is not.*
There's the inherent couples privilege, the simple fact that you will like one more than the other, the dirty little secret and invisibility to deal with. It's not a nice situation."
What's the difference?
The relationship? |
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"What's the difference?
The relationship?"
With sexual encounters with couples, I love seeing people who have that connection between them and playing as an outsider and addition to their joy.
With relationships, the outsider and not truly being a part of what they've already built is a less enjoyable thing. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's the difference?
The relationship?
With sexual encounters with couples, I love seeing people who have that connection between them and playing as an outsider and addition to their joy.
With relationships, the outsider and not truly being a part of what they've already built is a less enjoyable thing."
Thats makes sense.  |
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