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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before sister Mary sticks her arse in it!
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Theres a Norweigan walking a Gorilla through Hyde park....Policeman walks up and says, do you have a license for that Gorilla?....Norweigan replies, I didnt realise I needed a license for it...Policeman replies, I wasnt talking to you!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Mummy mummy! Today in school everyone else only counted to 5 and I counted to 10!
The mum replies, That's great honey!
Katie then asks, Is it because I'm blonde?
Her mum replies.. yes sweetie.
The next day Katie comes home skipping and calling out Mummy mummy! Today after gym class everyone was taking a shower and had flat chests! And I had these!
Katie lifts her T-shirt to reveal a pair of 36C's. Is it because I'm blonde? She asks..
Embarrassed her mum replies.. No honey, it's because you're 24
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Three guys share a room together. One wakes up and says I dreamed I was having a hand job last night.
Second guy wakes up and says he had the same dream.
The third guy in the middle wakes up and says that's weird.. I had this dream and I was skiing. |
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By *glyBettyTV/TS
over a year ago
About 3 feet away from the fence |
I don't know if Englishman Irishman Scotsman jokes would be seen as problematic these days, but after seeing the one about the Catholic priest I'm going to chance it 
There was an Englishman an irishman and a scotsman all sitting in a pub about taking their daughters.
The Englishman says "I found an empty bottle of beer under her bed, and a full bottle of wine in her drawer. I didn't even know she drank"
The scotsman added "I found a broken cigarette in my daughters bed, and a half-full box of fags in her drawer. I didn't even know she smoked."
The Irishman then chimes in "well I found a used condom in my daughters bed, and packet of Durex in her drawer.
I didn't even know she had a penis..." |
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A man goes in to see the Doctor with acute flatulence. He just can't stop breaking wind and it’s very embarrassing. The Doctor tells the man to drop his pants so do an examination. Suddenly, the Doctor gets up, walks over to the corner and reaches for a 6ft pole. The man is horrified and asks, "What the hell are you going to do with that, Doctor?" The Doctor replies, "I'm going to open the fucking window!" |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
A man goes to a bar and meets an esc*rt... after talking to her for a bit, he asks her, "Alright. Enough talk. How much is it gonna be for me for a handjob?"
"$50," She says.
"$50 for a handjob? You've got to be kidding me!" He replies.
"Come over here," She says. "See that car outside?" She points to the window. He looks out, and sees a brand new sports car.
"Wow, that looks pretty expensive." He says.
"I bought that purely off $50 handjobs." She replies.
The man thinks to himself, "Hell, they must be pretty good." So he gives her $50, and sure enough, best one he's ever had.
He goes back the next night and finds her again. After a few drinks he says, "Alright. That handjob last night was pretty good. How much for a blowjob?"
"$500." She says.
"$500? That's fucking ridiculous." The man replies.
"Come here. See that house on the hill?" she says. So the man comes over, and looks out the window. Outside on the hill, he sees an immaculate mansion. Easily more than 20 rooms.
"Wow, that looks extremely expensive." he says.
"I bought that off of $500 blowjobs." she says.
So following suit, the man gives her $500, and sure enough, it's the best blowjob of his entire life.
On the third night, he returns once more. "Alright," He says. "No more playing around. How much is it gonna cost for some pussy?"
She replies, "Hell, if I had a pussy I'd own this town!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A man goes to a bar and meets an esc*rt... after talking to her for a bit, he asks her, "Alright. Enough talk. How much is it gonna be for me for a handjob?"
"$50," She says.
"$50 for a handjob? You've got to be kidding me!" He replies.
"Come over here," She says. "See that car outside?" She points to the window. He looks out, and sees a brand new sports car.
"Wow, that looks pretty expensive." He says.
"I bought that purely off $50 handjobs." She replies.
The man thinks to himself, "Hell, they must be pretty good." So he gives her $50, and sure enough, best one he's ever had.
He goes back the next night and finds her again. After a few drinks he says, "Alright. That handjob last night was pretty good. How much for a blowjob?"
"$500." She says.
"$500? That's fucking ridiculous." The man replies.
"Come here. See that house on the hill?" she says. So the man comes over, and looks out the window. Outside on the hill, he sees an immaculate mansion. Easily more than 20 rooms.
"Wow, that looks extremely expensive." he says.
"I bought that off of $500 blowjobs." she says.
So following suit, the man gives her $500, and sure enough, it's the best blowjob of his entire life.
On the third night, he returns once more. "Alright," He says. "No more playing around. How much is it gonna cost for some pussy?"
She replies, "Hell, if I had a pussy I'd own this town! "
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