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Late night musings...
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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Still in bed. Managed to listen to some voicenotes from lovely people. Anyway; a topic came up from my emotional support pug - validating feelings.
It can be in any relationship; this one was parental but it could be friendship, relationship etc.
When you're feeling a particular way, how do you handle being told you're being daft/overreacting/sensitive etc?
Are you prone to telling folk that? Note, I'm not saying it's sometimes not valid - of course it is. Do you actively listen to another, with consideration? Or do you get a general feel and then dispense how they are behaving? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No body should invalidate how another is feeling. We are absolutely entitled to feel how we are feeling, and not be dismissed by someone else because they don’t agree.
Is someone is asking for advice then things can be talked through, but even so, the above still applies. |
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If I tell someone I’m unhappy/feeling unattractive/stupid whatever negative. The WORST thing to hear is “don’t be silly”. But that’s me personally.
I’d prefer a hug & a good chat. Constructive. Honest, but kind. Preferably a feedback sandwich. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
Generally if they are a friend they have permission to speak freely. I don’t expect people to tip-toe around and 2nd guess my mood, just tell it how it is , we’re adults.
With women/ daughters it’s very different. Just accept they will be offended and be ready to apologise
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Slighly off topic but did you see a woman was prevented from boarding a plane today with her 'emotional support snake' (not a euphemism).
Now back to the OP.  |
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I can't imagine it's ever helpful to tell someone they are over-sensitive, over-reacting, etc. Either it's untrue (partly because the full context, including past mental experiences, etc, is so rarely available). Or, if true, and they are not being rational, they won't be able to act rationally on hearing it.
As a father and teacher, I find it far easier to listen without judgement until specifically asked for it. Occasionally I might need to help someone calm down with focus, or breathing, but at no stage will saying 'You are hysterical/over-reacting' be anything other than counter-productive.
Most importantly, though, what is a 'pug', in this context??? |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Still in bed? You ok Meli?
I will listen and tbh if I'm being told I'm acting out then I'll probably already be aware of it, once I've come round.
Doesn't happen often mind  "
Am I okay? No. I've got the actual flu. Not man flu. Not emo flu. Flu flu. Not eaten a meal since Wednesday evening. Lightheaded, feverish. Can't seem to stay awake for more than a couple of hours. Do basic things. Yeah I'm having a pity party. Screw it.
Ha! You kind of know deep down when you're being a bit of a twonk don't you? Give me a few hours and I'll probably apologise. But heaven forbid someone call me out on it when I'm in the midst of the twonk storm. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Still in bed. Managed to listen to some voicenotes from lovely people. Anyway; a topic came up from my emotional support pug - validating feelings.
It can be in any relationship; this one was parental but it could be friendship, relationship etc.
When you're feeling a particular way, how do you handle being told you're being daft/overreacting/sensitive etc?
Are you prone to telling folk that? Note, I'm not saying it's sometimes not valid - of course it is. Do you actively listen to another, with consideration? Or do you get a general feel and then dispense how they are behaving? "
I have a few close ppl who challenge me on things, if I'm being over sensitive, behaving in a certain way, and they think it needs to be highlighted then they do. I accept it if them, as I know there coming from a loving, genuine caring place, I may not like it, but then if I don't like it, it's because I know them to be right.
I trust them with my innermost feelings and emotions, and that they'll protect these for me, and use them against me, which the challenges my beliefs about ppl, and the assumption that there all after something or are going to hurt me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Really depends on the person and situation if it’s not complatceted I just say my true feelsing
If it’s complicated I shower then with suttle gift hopeing they get the message and ask first |
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Imagine a perforated umbrella where 75% of the precipitation is repelled and only 25% gets through, but still enough to cause a minor inconvenience.
I suppose that's how I will react - by repelling someone who won't countenance the way I'm feeling about something or if I'm reacting in an uncharacteristic way, no matter how fortified my emotions might be.
With that said, there is still a part of me that will absorb and mull over the advice and feedback given. I suppose this is my way of trying to be a 'better person'.
Not sure if this answers your posit. |
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"Still in bed? You ok Meli?
I will listen and tbh if I'm being told I'm acting out then I'll probably already be aware of it, once I've come round.
Doesn't happen often mind
Am I okay? No. I've got the actual flu. Not man flu. Not emo flu. Flu flu. Not eaten a meal since Wednesday evening. Lightheaded, feverish. Can't seem to stay awake for more than a couple of hours. Do basic things. Yeah I'm having a pity party. Screw it.
Ha! You kind of know deep down when you're being a bit of a twonk don't you? Give me a few hours and I'll probably apologise. But heaven forbid someone call me out on it when I'm in the midst of the twonk storm. "
Ah Meli ...I've heard just how bad is it and sounds like you've had it bad!
Bless you xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So I've been mulling the same question in my own head recently , I know what advice I'd give to a friend ..
Your feelings are valid if someone whom your trying to communicate your feelings too , because their actions or words have made you feel a certain way ,then says you're being a drama queen or over reacting , then they are trying to deflect back onto you without the need to take responsibility for their actions/words and that my friend is not cool ...
But can I take my own advice ... Can I balls !
"Still in bed. Managed to listen to some voicenotes from lovely people. Anyway; a topic came up from my emotional support pug - validating feelings.
It can be in any relationship; this one was parental but it could be friendship, relationship etc.
When you're feeling a particular way, how do you handle being told you're being daft/overreacting/sensitive etc?
Are you prone to telling folk that? Note, I'm not saying it's sometimes not valid - of course it is. Do you actively listen to another, with consideration? Or do you get a general feel and then dispense how they are behaving? "
|
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
. |
"No body should invalidate how another is feeling. We are absolutely entitled to feel how we are feeling, and not be dismissed by someone else because they don’t agree.
Is someone is asking for advice then things can be talked through, but even so, the above still applies. "
I'd agree with this to a certain extent; if someone is being recognisably unfair/crappy/preposterous, isn't it good to have a healthy dose of a reality check? I do think that we should hold space for those we care about to feel. Even if we don't agree. |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
. |
"If I tell someone I’m unhappy/feeling unattractive/stupid whatever negative. The WORST thing to hear is “don’t be silly”. But that’s me personally.
I’d prefer a hug & a good chat. Constructive. Honest, but kind. Preferably a feedback sandwich."
Feedback sandwich! I quite like those. If I'm feeling a bit wobbly about something or a bit sad/like I'm not important, sometimes I can hear don't be silly and laugh about it. Other times I think, I'd rather if someone cared, genuinely cared they'd give me the headspace for a few minutes conversation of their time. But then, that's my slightly needy side coming out. Not everyone is going to prioritise me and sometimes maybe I'm being a bit silly. |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Generally if they are a friend they have permission to speak freely. I don’t expect people to tip-toe around and 2nd guess my mood, just tell it how it is , we’re adults.
With women/ daughters it’s very different. Just accept they will be offended and be ready to apologise
"
We are adults, true. But if someone says to you, hey you're being silly/unfair/not great... isn't there a part of you that responds by not responding? You can be an adult and not always behave in the most adult of ways - you're human.
Speaking freely doesn't always mean the other wants to genuinely listen. Or they won't be hurt. Or they won't ignore it. I don't think any of us adults all of the time, we all have little moments of feeling and responding less than maturely. |
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"No body should invalidate how another is feeling. We are absolutely entitled to feel how we are feeling, and not be dismissed by someone else because they don’t agree.
Is someone is asking for advice then things can be talked through, but even so, the above still applies.
I'd agree with this to a certain extent; if someone is being recognisably unfair/crappy/preposterous, isn't it good to have a healthy dose of a reality check? I do think that we should hold space for those we care about to feel. Even if we don't agree."
People have a right to feel their own feelings are we can recognise that fact. However, if they are being extremely unreasonable and deflecting and not taking responsibility for their own actions then it is okay to challenge that, whilst still accepting that's the way they feel |
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I react quite strongly to people saying that to me. If I am being that way there is a bloody good reason for it and I need help.
My friends will chat about it with me and help me, for everyone else I'd walk away for a 10 minute time out, so I can regain enough composure to communicate to them in a way they understand if I need to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I hate that phrase when people tell me I'm overreacting or overthinking something as it's not their decision to make. I might be in the moment but it's up to me to come to that conclusion.
We all react to things differently and how a person feels in any moment is valid. People need to accept that even if you don't understand why they feel a certain way, doesn't mean you should shut that person down.
We all need to listen more and hear people better. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I hate that phrase when people tell me I'm overreacting or overthinking something as it's not their decision to make. I might be in the moment but it's up to me to come to that conclusion.
We all react to things differently and how a person feels in any moment is valid. People need to accept that even if you don't understand why they feel a certain way, doesn't mean you should shut that person down.
We all need to listen more and hear people better. "
Listen to hear, and not to reply. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Still in bed? You ok Meli?
I will listen and tbh if I'm being told I'm acting out then I'll probably already be aware of it, once I've come round.
Doesn't happen often mind
Am I okay? No. I've got the actual flu. Not man flu. Not emo flu. Flu flu. Not eaten a meal since Wednesday evening. Lightheaded, feverish. Can't seem to stay awake for more than a couple of hours. Do basic things. Yeah I'm having a pity party. Screw it.
Ha! You kind of know deep down when you're being a bit of a twonk don't you? Give me a few hours and I'll probably apologise. But heaven forbid someone call me out on it when I'm in the midst of the twonk storm. "
That sounds terrible Meli - hope you're on the other side of it soon.
I might tell someone they're being silly if they're saying something about themselves that's clearly not true and putting themselves down. In fact recently a friend messaged me because they were worried about something that just wasn't a thing - I pointed that out and they said the whole reason they'd told me about it was that they'd known I'd say that and they'd needed to hear somebody say it for reassurance.
Overall though I think it's better to find out why someone thinks something and help them examine it with fresh eyes. Sometimes they will change their mind about it if they see if from a different angle. If they don't then all you can do is support them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I hate that phrase when people tell me I'm overreacting or overthinking something as it's not their decision to make. I might be in the moment but it's up to me to come to that conclusion.
We all react to things differently and how a person feels in any moment is valid. People need to accept that even if you don't understand why they feel a certain way, doesn't mean you should shut that person down.
We all need to listen more and hear people better.
Listen to hear, and not to reply. "
What about the other person's feelings though? If you want or need to share your feelings then you must be willing to reciprocate . Dialogue always involves two voices. |
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