FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > How to handle bad meets?
How to handle bad meets?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Curious what the process is on Fab for handling a bad meet, or subsequently warning others.
The verification system seems biased towards positive verifications, with people not verifying bad meets and even if they did verify a bad meet with a negative verification it would just be hidden.
How do people handle when a meet is bad? I don’t mean just ‘not enjoyable’ but to the extent that one party effectively sexually assaults the other. This has now happened twice on here, reported to Fab the first time and the profile is still live and active. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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999 Is a fair point, it just feels there should be something here on Fab where the verification/review/feedback system is authentic.
As a whole the feedback system seems to promote position feedback. Someone could have met 100 people, sexually assaulted 97 of them but had great meets with 3 of them and the 3 verifications are the only ones that will show / give indication of a meet happening.
Why is there no platform here to give honest feedback on a meet? |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"Curious what the process is on Fab for handling a bad meet, or subsequently warning others.
The verification system seems biased towards positive verifications, with people not verifying bad meets and even if they did verify a bad meet with a negative verification it would just be hidden.
How do people handle when a meet is bad? I don’t mean just ‘not enjoyable’ but to the extent that one party effectively sexually assaults the other. This has now happened twice on here, reported to Fab the first time and the profile is still live and active. "
The issue there is that it's just one person's word against another.
If an assault took place then that really should be reported to the police before anyone else, site included.
Any online contact site is little more than a means of people interacting with eachother. The site owners can only do so much protect users and aren't responsible for how people choose to meet and what happens when they do. The responsibility for safety lies with us all as individuals.
If you want to help others and also do what's right for yourself then get the police involved.
A |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Sounds more like a police matter
And perhaps evaluate how you go about things "
Both of these meets were with people on here that are heavily verified.
We set up all rules & boundaries before hand and are crystal clear about them. We go in to so much depth about what isn't acceptable that very often we're told "That's too much work", the ones that don't say it's "Too much work" tell us it's the most laid out rules/explanation they've had and they welcome it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"999 Is a fair point, it just feels there should be something here on Fab where the verification/review/feedback system is authentic.
As a whole the feedback system seems to promote position feedback. Someone could have met 100 people, sexually assaulted 97 of them but had great meets with 3 of them and the 3 verifications are the only ones that will show / give indication of a meet happening.
Why is there no platform here to give honest feedback on a meet?"
How would that be policed? I could say that I met you and you did something terrible.
Why do people trust verifications as 100% truth? |
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"999 Is a fair point, it just feels there should be something here on Fab where the verification/review/feedback system is authentic.
As a whole the feedback system seems to promote position feedback. Someone could have met 100 people, sexually assaulted 97 of them but had great meets with 3 of them and the 3 verifications are the only ones that will show / give indication of a meet happening.
Why is there no platform here to give honest feedback on a meet?"
People could give false feedback if they simply didn't like someone if there was a way to give negative meet verifications |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sounds more like a police matter
And perhaps evaluate how you go about things
Both of these meets were with people on here that are heavily verified.
We set up all rules & boundaries before hand and are crystal clear about them. We go in to so much depth about what isn't acceptable that very often we're told "That's too much work", the ones that don't say it's "Too much work" tell us it's the most laid out rules/explanation they've had and they welcome it. "
Contact your local police station to report a sexual assault. They are good with this sort of thing.  |
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I would agree the previous posters that if a meet is that serious then a police report is required. That is obviously a big step and I don’t actually know what barrier the police would require to proceed.
To your main question about how do you verify “bad” meets - I am not actually sure you can do that in a way that goes not mean it could be abused.
One way might be for fab to have some kind of joint meet mechanism where both parties confirm up front they are going to meet and then they could give feedback afterwards. That might help with things like no shows as well but I don’t see how admins could actually police that in a way that was not liable to be abused. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Curious what the process is on Fab for handling a bad meet, or subsequently warning others.
The verification system seems biased towards positive verifications, with people not verifying bad meets and even if they did verify a bad meet with a negative verification it would just be hidden.
How do people handle when a meet is bad? I don’t mean just ‘not enjoyable’ but to the extent that one party effectively sexually assaults the other. This has now happened twice on here, reported to Fab the first time and the profile is still live and active.
The issue there is that it's just one person's word against another.
If an assault took place then that really should be reported to the police before anyone else, site included.
Any online contact site is little more than a means of people interacting with eachother. The site owners can only do so much protect users and aren't responsible for how people choose to meet and what happens when they do. The responsibility for safety lies with us all as individuals.
If you want to help others and also do what's right for yourself then get the police involved.
A"
This.
You can call charity called Ra*pe Crisis for more advice too.
Nobody should go through this and those people should not be left to continue. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Never met or experienced anyone bad from here I’m lucky.
Some have been better in one way than another though for different reasons. Eg, one had been better sensualy, another was more kinky. If that makes sense. But to say one was Best or Worse isn’t fair. Because I’d take any of them again right now.
But I’ve been very very lucky to have anyone want to meet me, and I hope I’ve left them with memories as much as they’ve given me.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Never met or experienced anyone bad from here I’m lucky.
Some have been better in one way than another though for different reasons. Eg, one had been better sensualy, another was more kinky. If that makes sense. But to say one was Best or Worse isn’t fair. Because I’d take any of them again right now.
But I’ve been very very lucky to have anyone want to meet me, and I hope I’ve left them with memories as much as they’ve given me. "
I'm not talking about a 'bad' meet in the sense you didn't enjoy someone, or they didn't get you off how you wanted.
I'm talking about when someone specifically ignores your limits, tells you your safe word can't be used until they say so and then repeatedly does things to you against your consent - while explicitly being told not to do them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ah this is so tricky. You should 100% be able to leave an honest verification and these people should 100% be removed from the website if they've disrespected and assaulted you. But it's not easy to manage. I could turn around and say that about someone I dislike, who I've never even met. I never would, but that's what people are like unfortunately. It's just hearsay to them.
I guess it would be good if they would take your words seriously, and maybe flag the profile and permanently remove if this kind of verification or report popped up often. But I'm not sure exactly what their process is anyway with this kind of stuff.
All I can suggest is going to the police and pushing this as much as you can to try and get some kind of justice. I'm sorry this happened to you.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Never met or experienced anyone bad from here I’m lucky.
Some have been better in one way than another though for different reasons. Eg, one had been better sensualy, another was more kinky. If that makes sense. But to say one was Best or Worse isn’t fair. Because I’d take any of them again right now.
But I’ve been very very lucky to have anyone want to meet me, and I hope I’ve left them with memories as much as they’ve given me.
I'm not talking about a 'bad' meet in the sense you didn't enjoy someone, or they didn't get you off how you wanted.
I'm talking about when someone specifically ignores your limits, tells you your safe word can't be used until they say so and then repeatedly does things to you against your consent - while explicitly being told not to do them. "
Have you contacted the police? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’d phone the police. No means no. Any form of sexual assault isn’t/shouldn’t be tolerated. I do believe police/courts have the right to ban them from platforms such as these (I’m probably wrong, but you’d like to think so)
As for verifications, I agree that I think they should be published without choice (especially in instances such as this)
I hope everyone’s okay
Mrs |
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Totally agreed with others, a meet with sexual assault is just sexual assault.
And that’s something beyond verifications and reviews.
I always preferred to meet just for a coffee in a nice cafe and have a relaxing conversation before going any further. |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"999 Is a fair point, it just feels there should be something here on Fab where the verification/review/feedback system is authentic.
As a whole the feedback system seems to promote position feedback. Someone could have met 100 people, sexually assaulted 97 of them but had great meets with 3 of them and the 3 verifications are the only ones that will show / give indication of a meet happening.
Why is there no platform here to give honest feedback on a meet?"
There is no platform anywhere on the Internet where feedback is guaranteed to be honest.
Look at retail and selling sites. Look at TripAdvisor. Look at hotel and restaurant reviews.
Anyone with an axe to grind against someone can leave fake reviews and dishonest feedback. Any nutter or just someone with too much time on their hands and no morals can leave adverse info about a person or business.
If you seriously think all feedback ever left following a meet on here or any review on any site anywhere online is true, honest and genuine....then I have some magic beans to sell you.
The only thing that can be done to help prevent assaults, harrassment, stalking and any serious issues such as bla*kmail, is the involvement of the police.
A |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
I’m not sure but this is what I’d do-
If you’ve been assaulted contact the police, tell fab & block them .
If they were really pushy and borderline abusive tell fab to look into it and block them
If you just didn’t like them , block them
If it’s happening regularly - Choose more wisely |
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"
I'm not talking about a 'bad' meet in the sense you didn't enjoy someone, or they didn't get you off how you wanted.
I'm talking about when someone specifically ignores your limits, tells you your safe word can't be used until they say so and then repeatedly does things to you against your consent - while explicitly being told not to do them. "
OP I'm really sorry you have had this happen to you. As others have said this is most definitely a police matter. They did things against you will, it's as simple as that. |
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"
I'm talking about when someone specifically ignores your limits, tells you your safe word can't be used until they say so and then repeatedly does things to you against your consent - while explicitly being told not to do them. "
While they probably think you think they're the best experience you've had coz they pushed you further than you wanted or agreed to, like they're some kind of sex god.
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I'm really sorry you've had this experience, OP. It sounds awful. If you have been sexually assaulted, you should tell the police. I know it's a big step, but potential crimes can't be investigated unless they know about them.
I don't think the veri system is the answer - people would simply choose not to display a 'bad' veri, as is their right. In reverse, if you had no choice but to display anything that what was written about you, it would be open to abuse too (which I know is less serious than assault, but probably more likely). |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"
The only thing that can be done to help prevent assaults, harrassment, stalking and any serious issues such as bla*kmail, is the involvement of the police.
"
That’s not entirely true. Identity authentication could be used like on AirBnb , dating sites and most p2p platforms. People can hide here behind anonymity |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"I’d phone the police. No means no. Any form of sexual assault isn’t/shouldn’t be tolerated. I do believe police/courts have the right to ban them from platforms such as these (I’m probably wrong, but you’d like to think so) "
They can.
It's also in the site T's & C's that you can't sign up as a member if you've been convicted of a criminal offence. No idea how admin would know, but its there.
"
As for verifications, I agree that I think they should be published without choice (especially in instances such as this)
"
So what if someone left a fake verification saying something negative about you even if you'd never met them? Would that be OK? You can't force people to either leave or show verifications. Removing choice opens up the possibility for too much abuse of the system.
A |
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My very first meet here 6 years ago went wrong when the woman I met crossed boundaries that were never discussed beforehand and assaulted me in the hope I would retaliate.
I didn't and left her there and left the site a few days later because I assumed all meets would be like that.
I've no doubt if the roles had been reversed she would have called the police and while I didn't feel intimidated or in physical danger at any point the thought of what could have happened was enough to make me leave the site.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I'm not talking about a 'bad' meet in the sense you didn't enjoy someone, or they didn't get you off how you wanted.
I'm talking about when someone specifically ignores your limits, tells you your safe word can't be used until they say so and then repeatedly does things to you against your consent - while explicitly being told not to do them. "
That sounds aweful, and I’m sorry you went through that.
If I felt bad afterwards I’d contact admin possibly. Hopefully the website watch peoples profiles for when enough people report to make it possible to do something about assoles and abusers. (Yes, they’ve abused your trust!)
If I felt I’d been assaulted, (as others said) I’d contact the police. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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That’s very true, I didn’t even think of that tbh, you’d just like to think people wouldn’t be so nasty just because there wasn’t a click, or they didn’t get on.
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"Curious what the process is on Fab for handling a bad meet, or subsequently warning others.
The verification system seems biased towards positive verifications, with people not verifying bad meets and even if they did verify a bad meet with a negative verification it would just be hidden.
How do people handle when a meet is bad? I don’t mean just ‘not enjoyable’ but to the extent that one party effectively sexually assaults the other. This has now happened twice on here, reported to Fab the first time and the profile is still live and active.
The issue there is that it's just one person's word against another.
If an assault took place then that really should be reported to the police before anyone else, site included.
Any online contact site is little more than a means of people interacting with eachother. The site owners can only do so much protect users and aren't responsible for how people choose to meet and what happens when they do. The responsibility for safety lies with us all as individuals.
If you want to help others and also do what's right for yourself then get the police involved.
A"
Rarely agree with anything you say but in this instance you are spot on. Report it to the police  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hugs this happened
No means no
No matter what
I would say it’s a police matter
And please don’t be ashamed or anything about coming forward as that’s what these people pry on
They counting on people being ashamed to come forward so they can keep doing it to others
Please come forward and stop them from do it to others |
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By *piderBunnyCouple
over a year ago
Back of Nowhere and Beyond |
"Sounds more like a police matter
And perhaps evaluate how you go about things
Both of these meets were with people on here that are heavily verified.
We set up all rules & boundaries before hand and are crystal clear about them. We go in to so much depth about what isn't acceptable that very often we're told "That's too much work", the ones that don't say it's "Too much work" tell us it's the most laid out rules/explanation they've had and they welcome it.
Contact your local police station to report a sexual assault. They are good with this sort of thing. "
They weren't when I reported one in August...
Posh  |
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As soon as the word "no" or "stop" are spoken anything beyond that moment is illegal (won't let me use the proper word) and is an imprisonable offence with a hefty sentence. People who commit such offences deserve nothing less.
Call the police. They will easily find the culprit via his IP number. They can also put you in contact with a number of support agencies.
So sorry to hear you've been through this. |
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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago
Calderdale innit |
So sorry you've had this op
Definitely block and report then to admin on here ,I don't know what the process is ,but at least you've warned them and got a record of it
Like others suggested I'd also report them to the police op ,an assault is a crime and this needs dealing with ,or they may do it again.
I do hope you're ok x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So sorry this happened to you OP
I had an incident happen back when I first joined fab. I had someone stalk me and threaten me so much I had to report to the police.
I reported it to the police and then informed fab about it. Told fab I could provide the police report as evidence and everything that happened. They removed his account. He’s since rejoined fab under a different username a couple of times but each time, I report those accounts and they get removed. At the very least he has to “start over” each time making it harder to get meets.
Some people, mainly men, seem to think because you’re on a sex site they can do what they want and treat you however they want which is not the case.
Hope you get this sorted x |
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Yes. Definitely a police matter. Report it.
When there is a police resolution maybe you could pass that on to fab.
It's difficult for fab to act without that confirmation as people could be making stuff up about each other and getting people removed because they didn't want to meet them, sure you can see how that could be abused by morons. Obviously not in this instance of course. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sounds more like a police matter
And perhaps evaluate how you go about things
Both of these meets were with people on here that are heavily verified.
We set up all rules & boundaries before hand and are crystal clear about them. We go in to so much depth about what isn't acceptable that very often we're told "That's too much work", the ones that don't say it's "Too much work" tell us it's the most laid out rules/explanation they've had and they welcome it.
Contact your local police station to report a sexual assault. They are good with this sort of thing.
They weren't when I reported one in August...
Posh "
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By *erces LetiferMan
over a year ago
Somewhere off the edge of the map... 'ere there be monsters |
"How do people handle when a meet is bad? I don’t mean just ‘not enjoyable’ but to the extent that one party effectively sexually assaults the other. This has now happened twice on here, reported to Fab the first time and the profile is still live and active."
"I'm talking about when someone specifically ignores your limits, tells you your safe word can't be used until they say so and then repeatedly does things to you against your consent - while explicitly being told not to do them."
Oh my god that's awful. Sorry you went through that, OP. I'd definitely report him to the police, and also keep Fab admin in the loop, too. Unfortunately, Fab's hands are a bit tied when it comes to anything that happens outside of the website. But if a crime has taken place (which it most definitely has) then it's upto the police at that point.
The only other thing I can think of is for you to spread the word about him to your friends on here, maybe scan his veris for people you know/like and give them a heads up, etc. With any luck if the police/Fab admin get enough reports about him they can actually do something, and he'll get thrown in prison/placed on the sex offenders register where he belongs. |
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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago
harrow |
Negative feedback is something I am nervous about. I was on the other end of negative feedback, not from the person but a 3rd party. I checked with person and it was all fine. It was a jealous couple (bunny boiler actually but that’s another point).
It was not nice to find this out. Luckily at the time - pre fab - a lot of friends knew me and said that’s not me. It wasn’t and it made me more cautious now to lay down certain expectations |
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By *erces LetiferMan
over a year ago
Somewhere off the edge of the map... 'ere there be monsters |
"The site owners can only do so much protect users and aren't responsible for how people choose to meet and what happens when they do. The responsibility for safety lies with us all as individuals."
Whoa, now. Careful saying such things... doing so (or even merely alluding to such in the form of a question) may lead to accusations, name-calling, and being blocked!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Never met or experienced anyone bad from here I’m lucky.
Some have been better in one way than another though for different reasons. Eg, one had been better sensualy, another was more kinky. If that makes sense. But to say one was Best or Worse isn’t fair. Because I’d take any of them again right now.
But I’ve been very very lucky to have anyone want to meet me, and I hope I’ve left them with memories as much as they’ve given me.
I'm not talking about a 'bad' meet in the sense you didn't enjoy someone, or they didn't get you off how you wanted.
I'm talking about when someone specifically ignores your limits, tells you your safe word can't be used until they say so and then repeatedly does things to you against your consent - while explicitly being told not to do them. "
Definitely a police matter, put down fab and call the police, if they have done what you wrote then you have a duty 5o yourselves and others to stop this person before things go way way too far |
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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago
Maidstone |
"Totally agreed with others, a meet with sexual assault is just sexual assault.
And that’s something beyond verifications and reviews.
I always preferred to meet just for a coffee in a nice cafe and have a relaxing conversation before going any further."
It's not as simple as this.
A recent experience started with a well written profile that ended with an invite. Lucky for me it wasn't a 121 but at a party.
He turned up d*unk and English was not his first language so pretended to misunderstand when was firmly told to leave.
He turned up at my door the next day demanding entry and to be serviced. I ignored him and he started to kick my door down.
Luckily I still had a male guest who was still with me and he had to tell him to go away (with stronger words!) or we will call the police. And reminded him to have a look at all the CCTV's at the main entrances.
I always take a face pic screen shot when I make contact, but even with that, what leads could the police take? We are desperately short of police officers as it is...?
In retail terms, we may have Trading Standards and retail laws to protect us. But I agree with the OP that retailers (Fab) have a responsibility to remove dangerous stuff if reported? |
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"Never met or experienced anyone bad from here I’m lucky.
Some have been better in one way than another though for different reasons. Eg, one had been better sensualy, another was more kinky. If that makes sense. But to say one was Best or Worse isn’t fair. Because I’d take any of them again right now.
But I’ve been very very lucky to have anyone want to meet me, and I hope I’ve left them with memories as much as they’ve given me.
I'm not talking about a 'bad' meet in the sense you didn't enjoy someone, or they didn't get you off how you wanted.
I'm talking about when someone specifically ignores your limits, tells you your safe word can't be used until they say so and then repeatedly does things to you against your consent - while explicitly being told not to do them. "
Yes i totally get where you're coming from. It seems fab admin can only control what messages they seen written or forum content because it's quite hard evidence. Where meets, unless it was filmed showing the abuse, then it's subjective.
May sound weird to most people, but when men say they're dominant, it sends shivers down my back and I personally avoid them especially if their profile comes across aggressive. Maybe take more time vetting the men you meet. I am really particular who I meet as I can imagine alot of men taking advantage of women just because they're on fab. |
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"I’m not sure but this is what I’d do-
If you’ve been assaulted contact the police, tell fab & block them .
If they were really pushy and borderline abusive tell fab to look into it and block them
If you just didn’t like them , block them
If it’s happening regularly - Choose more wisely "
Thats all well and good, but it won't stop the persin from doing it again, or allow the OP to warn others. |
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"I’m not sure but this is what I’d do-
If you’ve been assaulted contact the police, tell fab & block them .
If they were really pushy and borderline abusive tell fab to look into it and block them
If you just didn’t like them , block them
If it’s happening regularly - Choose more wisely
Thats all well and good, but it won't stop the persin from doing it again, or allow the OP to warn others."
Fab bans us if we name and shame so not sure how we meant to warn others of abusive meets? Wish I knew |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think your best option would be to report him to the police.
All verifications do is say someone turned up. I can imagine if it was any different like a eating system it would probably get abused…
It sounds awful OP. |
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