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Best short jokes… go!
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft?
Chewing gum |
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What would you rather be or a wasp ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The Tory Party
Bud-dum-TSS!! 
Only beaten by the Labor concept of SIR Starmer being some sort of better alternative (guffaw)
Perhaps the joke is actually British democracy?   |
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"What would you rather be or a wasp ?"
That reminds me, have you heard that new single by The Flying Insects? The A side is not very good but the Bee side is. |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
2 fish in a tank…. One says to the other
Do you know how to drive this thing! |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
Bill and Ben sharing a bath…..
Bill says “flubalubalub”……
Ben says “if that smells I’m getting out!!!” |
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A lorry load of Viagra was st*len the other day. Police say they're looking for two hardened criminals.... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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These are brilliant 
Keep em coming |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a fly with no wings???? A walk |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes. |
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By *arcosaMan
over a year ago
London |
I took my dog to a flea circus. He totally stole the show. |
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By *inell1Man
over a year ago
Ipswich |
My favourite is....what's Orange and sounds like a parrot?? A carrot |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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what has Brazil and Johnstones Baby Shampoo got in common?
Neymar Tears |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"what has Brazil and Johnstones Baby Shampoo got in common?
Neymar Tears"
Very fresh.. love it |
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By *oo..Woman
over a year ago
Boo's World |
What does a Chav use for protection?
A Bus Shelter |
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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
I dreamt the ocean was filled with orange soda.
It was a 'Fanta sea' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Alabama”
“Anyone else with you?”
“No, I’m Alabama self” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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2 cows in a field.
1st Cow....."mooooo"
2nd Cow....." I was going to say that" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm terrible at telling jokes.
I always punch up the fuck line. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Joe pasquale |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two birds on a perch,one asks Can you smell fish? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Two birds on a perch,one asks Can you smell fish?"
Lol |
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Bill and Ben in the bath, Bill says I'm going to duck you,Ben says don't be daft,you can't even say it right. |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper….
Sold his soul to Santa….. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two snowmen in a field.
One says to the other..."can you smell carrots". |
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Definition of a drawing pin.
Smartie with a hard on.
The mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two monkeys in a bath
1st monkey says ooh ah ha ha ooo ha ha ha ouch
2nd monkey says , we’ll put some cold water in then ???????? |
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Santa has been arrested for sleeping with three ladies of the night.
Ho, Ho, Ho! |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
The OP has packed his bags and set off for a career in stand up. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't get short jokes, they always go over my head. |
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By *lynJMan
over a year ago
Morden |
"The Tory Party
Bud-dum-TSS!!
Only beaten by the Labor concept of SIR Starmer being some sort of better alternative (guffaw)
Perhaps the joke is actually British democracy? "
The democracy is ok, it's the people we get to vote for that's the problem |
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Two elefants fall off a cliff.
BOOM BOOM |
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Two tampons walking down the road what do they say to each other.
Nothing there both stuck up cu ts |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"2 fish in a tank…. One says to the other
Do you know how to drive this thing! "
Or a variation...
I'll drive, you do the gun
"Bill and Ben sharing a bath…..
Bill says “flubalubalub”……
Ben says “if that smells I’m getting out!!!” "
Bill and Ben are in bed
Bill says 'flob alob a lob'
And Ben says 'If you loved me, you'd swallow'
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Then there was the dyslexic agnostic who would lie awake each night wondering if there really was a dog |
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What's black and white but red all over.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"2 fish in a tank…. One says to the other
Do you know how to drive this thing! "
Boom boom, love it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How does a rabbi make his coffee?
Hebrews it |
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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
What do you call a septic cat?
Pus! |
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By *lynJMan
over a year ago
Morden |
A skeleton walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a mop. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic |
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"2 fish in a tank…. One says to the other
Do you know how to drive this thing!
Boom boom, love it"
Did wonder if anyone would get it. |
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"What's black and white but red all over.."
A news paper |
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"Two tampons walking down the road what do they say to each other.
Nothing there both stuck up cu ts"
If you tell this to work mats say the punch line with a posh voice. |
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What’s the difference between a fridge & a fanny?
A fridge doesn’t fart when you take your meat out. |
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How do deaf gynaecologists do their jobs?
They read lips |
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Blunt pencils are really pointless. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bought a paper shop
Wind blew it away |
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By *og-ManMan
over a year ago
somewhere |
I'd had a few pints last night and was walking home through the park, and I saw an old man feeding the birds. Not sure how long he'd been dead for though. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two fish swimming along come to a big concrete wall
First fish turns to the other fish and says
Dam ?????? |
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The Police have confirmed, the person who fell off the pub roof last night wasn’t a bouncer. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Coming out of tesco and a bloke threw cheese and milk all over me
How dairy I thought as I walked to my car |
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Swedish guy walks into a chemist.
"Hellu I would like sum deodorant please"
Assistant
"Aerosol?"
Man
"No underarm" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bloke behind the counter in the chemists told me they'd run out of extra large condoms. "Have you tried Boots?"
"Christ, I want to slide in, not march in!" |
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By *cott73Man
over a year ago
brighton |
Two Spanish fireman...
Jose...
And...
Hose B. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How did my cum cross the road...
I put on thr wrong pair socks |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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6.30 is the best time on the clock. Hands down! |
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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. |
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I ate a tangled piece of rope the other day.
I shit you knot. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Patient: Doctor I can’t stop singing Green Green Grass of Home.
Doctor: Don’t worry, it’s not unusual |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Swedish guy walks into a chemist.
"Hellu I would like sum deodorant please"
Assistant
"Aerosol?"
Man
"No underarm""
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Went to the zoo
There was a baguette in a cage.
Keeper said it was bread in captivity |
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I had sex in a lift it was right on so many levels |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
What goes in dry and comes out wet
A tea bag |
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"Man walks into a bar.
Ouch!"
it was an iron bar  |
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By *obajxMan
over a year ago
Cheshire |
Who's the most unpopular man in German football?
It's the bloke who starts the chants at Borussia Mönchengladbach when he shouts "give us a B" |
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Why does the Swedish military have barcodes on their ships?
So they can Scandinavian |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
boom Boom Tsss |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Our boss has banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 08/01/23 20:46:59] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman with a child got on a bus and as she paid her fare, the driver said "jesus Mrs, thats the ugliest baby I've ever seen".
Well the woman was furious and stormed up the back of the bus and sat down.
A gentleman near the back asked her if she was Ok and she replied "That bloody driver has just insulted me, I've never been so insulted in all my life, I so angry"
the man said "Don't let him get away with that, you go down there and give him a piece of your mind! I'll look after your Monkey" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ariel and Times New Roman walked into a bar and the barman says "we don't server your type in here" |
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By *oanne ETV/TS
over a year ago
Near Warrington |
Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name.
Would you like to be called Ewar Woowar (I'll get me coat) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Literally a "short joke"...
Q. What is E.T. short for?
A. Cos he's got little legs! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
boom Boom Tsss"
Surely the symbols would hit the ground first due to being denser and more aerodynamic? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Knock knock
Who's there?
Doors open... |
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Old Mcdonald was dyslexic A E A E I |
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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
My friend was showing me his shed yesterday & he pointed to a ladder and said “that’s my stepladder, I never knew my real ladder” |
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My wife recently went to the Caribbean
Jamaica??
No, she went on her own accord
Whereabouts is Poole??
In Dorset
Well, it’s a lovely town
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What's pink and wrinkley and hangs out your Grandads trousers.
Your Grandma |
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Why are chickens funny?
Beccause*
In the tone of a chicken clucking |
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A rather pretty young lady asked me the other day if I preferred legs or breasts?
I said actually I have a penchant for a shaven fanny, I’m sorry she said that’s not an option with a KFC bargain bucket. |
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By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
Snow White's dwarves were in a sauna feeling happy.
So happy got up and left. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What goes nee naw nee naw backwards
A police car in reverse |
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By *amsupCouple
over a year ago
Dublin |
I was in a restaurant last night & I had a bowl of insect legs
They were the bees knees |
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A conman, a peadophile and a priest walk into a bar.
He orders a drink. |
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Once met a bloke who told jokes about mushrooms………he was a fungi |
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By *am069Man
over a year ago
London |
[Removed by poster at 14/01/23 01:16:45] |
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By *am069Man
over a year ago
London |
Lol cocked it the first time...
What's better than eating a mandarin... eating Amanda out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If a blackbird has black babies and a bluebird has blue babies what bird has no babies..............
.... a swallow |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why did the broom go to bed?
It was Sweepy! |
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Why did the pie cross the road???
He was meat and potatoe |
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These have made me chuckle. Thanks all of you |
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Minnie is in divorce court and the Judge reads the petition.
"You want a divorce because Mickey has big teeth?"
.
"No, what I said was, he's fucking Goofy" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would say mine, but it would go over your head |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?... |
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By *olmaMan
over a year ago
Kettering |
Did you hear about the woman with 3 vaginas??
She was fucked left, right and centre!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?..."
If life gives you melons you might be dyslexic |
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What goes 99 klonk 99 klonk 99 klonk?
A centipede with a wooden leg |
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I've got amnesia and insomnia.
I can't remember if I slept or not. |
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By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago
Stoke area |
I was really tired last night and I accidently took the cats medicine !
Don't ask meow |
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Statistically 9/10 people enjoy gang fun |
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The Flat Earth Society has thousands of members around the globe . . |
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By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago
Stoke area |
If the earth was flat, cats would have knocked everything off the edge by now! |
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By *ambi4uMan
over a year ago
Saint Helens |
"Why did the pie cross the road???
He was meat and potatoe "
Eh?
Confused  |
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Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. |
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I would tell you a joke about trickle-down economics. But hardly any of you would get it. |
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Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
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While in bed the wife turns to me and said “If I turn the light off I can stick it in her ass!” Moment later in the pitch black she lets out a scream. Moral of the story, next time I’ll let the bulb cool down first  |
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My mood swings are great; I hate them. |
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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago
London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact |
What's red and pink, sits in the kitchen and gets smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a vegetable peeler |
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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago
hiding from cock pics. |
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant. |
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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago
London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact |
"You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant."
It took me a second to understand that. Very good |
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By *mooovMan
over a year ago
Waterford |
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
But him in the microwave until he's
Bill Withers. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Velcro.......rip off |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Never believe atoms. They make up everything. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Stevie Wonders wife bought him a cheese grater for Christmas….it’s the most violent book he’s read. |
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I used to be a huge fan of farm vehicles but not anymore
So I'm an extractor fan!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you make a bear cross?
Nail two, together. |
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What's better than roses on a piano?
Tulips on your organ.
Winston
*taxi for Winston |
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I bought some lovely camouflage undies ,,,, can I find em??? |
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What do you call a man with no body and no nose ?
Nobody knows ! |
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What do you call a woman under a cow?
Pat!! |
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What's got 99 balls and makes old women sweat?
Bingo. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I started writing a book about cowboy builders the other year
,,I just never got round to finishing it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bought 3 t-shirts from IKEA , took them to the till assistant .
First she scanned the red one , then she scanned the green on
Then she Scandinavian
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?...
If life gives you melons you might be dyslexic "
Same as the dyslexic devil worshiper ..sold his soul to santa |
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Two gay cowboys, first one says “yup” second one says “yep!” |
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I didn't have a scraper to get the ice off the windscreen so I had to use my discount card I only got 20% off |
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Went to an orgy with Dick Van Dyke…
It was a pretty shitty gang bang. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why did Princess Di cross the road?
She didn't wear a seat belt |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why did Princess Di cross the road?
She didn't wear a seat belt"
What does Diana stand for
Died
In
A
Nasty
Accident |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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¹ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees…..?
Because they’re really good at hiding.
C |
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Two seagulls standing on a perch... One says to the other... Do you smell fish? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wife told me to embrace my failings, so I gave her a hug |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My dogs got no nose. How does it smell? ….. Awful |
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick. |
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What do you call a cow with 2 legs
Lean beef |
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What do you call a cow with 2 legs
Lean beef |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Midlands police are actively searching for a full lorry load of German Christmas cakes....They believe it may be STOLLEN |
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90% of gay and bisexual men were genetically predisposed to it...the other 10% were just sucked in.
Mr. |
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A crocodile sandwich...and make it snappy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two nuns in a bath, one says "Where's the soap", the other replies "Yes it does" |
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By *estie69Man
over a year ago
cork city |
What is the definition of in love? |
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By *estie69Man
over a year ago
cork city |
Q:What is the definition of in love?....
A:When she taps you on the ass and say "your in Love" ???? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Cheese sandwich walks into a bar , barman says sorry we dont serve food!!! |
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Last night me and the missus watched 2 dvd’s back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly. |
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Horse walks up to the bar..barman says why the long face? |
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By *obajxMan
over a year ago
Cheshire |
"Horse walks up to the bar..barman says why the long face? "
A white horse walked into a pub and the barman says "they named a whisky after you"
The horse, looking surprised, replied "Simon!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?...
If life gives you melons you might be dyslexic "
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Scientists have discovered that some people have a genetic predisposition to Diarrhoea.
Apparently it runs in their genes.
(I had to google how to spell diarrhoea) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's black and white but red all over.."
A sunburnt zebra |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Went to an orgy with Dick Van Dyke…
It was a pretty shitty gang bang. "
"What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association"
Pmsl |
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"Horse walks up to the bar..barman says why the long face?
A white horse walked into a pub and the barman says "they named a whisky after you"
The horse, looking surprised, replied "Simon!""
A War Horse walked into a bar and the barman says, "Why the long play?" |
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[Removed by poster at 19/01/23 01:43:19] |
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A polar bear walks into a bar and asks for a gin and......tonic
Barman asks why the big pause |
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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
Sad to say my fat parrot died yesterday  , but that's a weight off my shoulders |
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You've got to hand it to short people... because they probably can't reach it anyway. |
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By *ED00Woman
over a year ago
South Devon... Torbaydos |
What do you call a dear with no eyes ?
No eye-dear.
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By *ED00Woman
over a year ago
South Devon... Torbaydos |
What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs ??
Still no idea !!! |
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Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ah
Ah who?
Werewolves of London |
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By *obajxMan
over a year ago
Cheshire |
Bill and Ben are in the pub
Bill says "lob a lob a lob a lob"
Ben replied "shut up Bill you're pissed" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other “does this taste funny to you?” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Bill and Ben are in the pub
Bill says "lob a lob a lob a lob"
Ben replied "shut up Bill you're pissed""
Bill n Ben in bath and bill goes " lob a lob a lob a lob".
Ben says " if you do that again I'm getting out " |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You've got to hand it to short people... because they probably can't reach it anyway. "
I feel sorry for them ..they struggle to put food on the table |
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Bought a dog from a blacksmith the other day, when I got him home he made a bolt for the door |
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By *amprioryMan
over a year ago
turn left at the frist roundabout |
Went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it……. It was a Shih Tzu |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Me |
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[Removed by poster at 10/02/23 06:28:43] |
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Met a man in the supermarket today who reminded me of Michael Jackson.
He said "Don't forget Michael Jackson" |
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