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hi I hate me
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By *rtyIan OP Man
over a year ago
Gateway to the Beacons |
So tonight I went to the local social event. Got there paid my entrance fee and went to the bar, bought a pint, and stood next to a table, three groups sat at separate tables.
I stood drinking my pint feeling very uncomfortable, one guy spoke to me while I was there, I finished my drink and got another, my anxiety was building inside and I knew that I would not be staying.
20 minutes later I was home.
I see on here a lot about going to socials and clubs etc, I have been in this lifestyle for over 20 yrs and still find people are in their cliques and groups, it is hard to break into them especially if you do not have the self-confidence to engage with people.
I will try again and will go to other socials and clubs. Just today I failed again and left.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I do hope you try again. And again. Until you find the right crowd for you. And I promise you that once it happens, wherever you go and they are around, you'll never feel like this again. Left out or misunderstood.
Good on you for not giving up.
T. |
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Clearly not the right social for you as it didn’t sound very “social” at all.
I’ve always made a point of trying to talk to lots of people at social meets, especially those others that have also come alone.
Don’t despair. Rome wasn’t built in a day… or one social. Hope the pint was decent and chalk it up to a better day tomorrow  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Firstly well done for going, you’ve gone to 1 more than me and for that exact reason. Maybe next time see if there’s anyone else on the forums going on their own and meet up with them for a quick pint beforehand and go in together? A couple of people is always more of an attractive prospect for people to approach others |
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The first time I went to a Munch I didn't know anyone, I awkwardly sat alone drinking my drink and watching everyone in their groups. I felt alone and left out.
I kept going though, and eventually I started talking to people, making friends and enjoying my time there.
Don't lose heart with it all  |
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By *rtyIan OP Man
over a year ago
Gateway to the Beacons |
"The first time I went to a Munch I didn't know anyone, I awkwardly sat alone drinking my drink and watching everyone in their groups. I felt alone and left out.
I kept going though, and eventually I started talking to people, making friends and enjoying my time there.
Don't lose heart with it all "
I have been in the swinging lifestyle in various ways over 20 yrs and always felt this |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The first time I went to a Munch I didn't know anyone, I awkwardly sat alone drinking my drink and watching everyone in their groups. I felt alone and left out.
I kept going though, and eventually I started talking to people, making friends and enjoying my time there.
Don't lose heart with it all
I have been in the swinging lifestyle in various ways over 20 yrs and always felt this"
Would you say much has changed in 20 years? Or could it be how you view things socially as you dont feel part if it mostly. |
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We've been invited to house parties with a small attendance and felt excluded from conversations it can be difficult regardless of the venue.
It's difficult to break into a conversation without seeming rude or nosey.
These events make people naturally nervous and cautious,the very fact that it's related to possibly getting intimate with someone causes people to stick with trusted people who they feel comfortable with and yes this causes "cliques".
A few socials we've been to just seem like an excuse for a few friends to get together to get pissed and they totally ignore newbies or people not in the inner circle.
I think as a society we are becoming more socially awkward due to many spending more and more time chatting online rather than face to face.
Interaction used to be in the first instance catching someone's eye in a pub or club then hopefully getting up the courage to talk.
Now face to face interaction may not take place for many months after lengthy online discussion.
We have met a couple of people over the years who online talked amazingly well and very engaging,then face to face hardly able to string a sentence together.
I wouldn't lose heart OP it takes time and patience and dare I say it luck, being in the right place at the right time.
As Dory said: just keep swimming |
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By *rtyIan OP Man
over a year ago
Gateway to the Beacons |
"We've been invited to house parties with a small attendance and felt excluded from conversations it can be difficult regardless of the venue.
It's difficult to break into a conversation without seeming rude or nosey.
These events make people naturally nervous and cautious,the very fact that it's related to possibly getting intimate with someone causes people to stick with trusted people who they feel comfortable with and yes this causes "cliques".
A few socials we've been to just seem like an excuse for a few friends to get together to get pissed and they totally ignore newbies or people not in the inner circle.
I think as a society we are becoming more socially awkward due to many spending more and more time chatting online rather than face to face.
Interaction used to be in the first instance catching someone's eye in a pub or club then hopefully getting up the courage to talk.
Now face to face interaction may not take place for many months after lengthy online discussion.
We have met a couple of people over the years who online talked amazingly well and very engaging,then face to face hardly able to string a sentence together.
I wouldn't lose heart OP it takes time and patience and dare I say it luck, being in the right place at the right time.
As Dory said: just keep swimming "
I get it and thank you both x |
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I get very nervous but if someone does talk to me I can't stop talking to them, I then make myself look like a total idiot. I'm not very good in social situations myself but maybe I've just not found the right person to chat to. |
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We know the social you mean we usually go but were unable to make it.
It’s only natural that people tend to gravitate towards those that they know but that don’t mean your not welcome as they are a great bunch of people.
Hopefully you decide to give socials another go and I know if you message the organisers privately and explain the situation they will go out of their way to introduce you to people and make you feel welcome.Hopefully we will see you at future socials.. |
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I've been to a few socials and some of them have been anything but.
People I've chatted to in presocial groups have completely blanked me on the night.
Others have been laid out like weddings with large tables of single women and virtually no room to mingle which would be daunting even for the most confident.
The music volume at some made communication impossible. It's one thing having to shout at someone you already know, it's another trying to initiate conversation with a stranger.
I've had women I've never spoken to before message a few days before to say they are looking forward to meeting me who then pretended they had no idea who I was when I said hello on the night or completely ignored me.
We don't have clubs over here that you can just turn up at. They are invitation only and only open once a month so I've never been to one and can't confirm if they are any different to the socials.
I accept that people who know each other will gravitate towards their friends at events but there are also a lot of people who aren't very inclusive and have no time for anyone outside their social circle. |
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"I've been to a few socials and some of them have been anything but.
People I've chatted to in presocial groups have completely blanked me on the night.
Others have been laid out like weddings with large tables of single women and virtually no room to mingle which would be daunting even for the most confident.
The music volume at some made communication impossible. It's one thing having to shout at someone you already know, it's another trying to initiate conversation with a stranger.
I've had women I've never spoken to before message a few days before to say they are looking forward to meeting me who then pretended they had no idea who I was when I said hello on the night or completely ignored me.
We don't have clubs over here that you can just turn up at. They are invitation only and only open once a month so I've never been to one and can't confirm if they are any different to the socials.
I accept that people who know each other will gravitate towards their friends at events but there are also a lot of people who aren't very inclusive and have no time for anyone outside their social circle. "
this  I can talk for England so I eventually find somebody but I know exactly what you mean  |
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You have just gotta keep persevering, took me a year before I found my favourite fab social events and we are now a big inclusive group. I often see single men stood in the corner and will approach them but they need to try to mingle after being introduced to people |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve been to really welcoming socials, and others where you’re ignored and even the organisers don’t make an effort to greet you.
It’s about finding the right ones.
I think most of us can feel alone in a big group of people at times, it’s a horrible feeling. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I suspect I would find myself in the exact sae position as the OP. I wonder whether it would be different at a private social? It seems to me that private socials are more, well social. There aren't so many people and chatting to others would, in my opinion, be more suited to my personality. All I need now is an invite... |
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By *humper.Man
over a year ago
northumberland/scotland |
Mate, you went... on your own, into a group of people and tried. That in itself is a win. It might not have played out how you would have liked but fair play for giving it a go. I'm yet to attend a club without my wingman haha. He's coming with me tomorrow night too. The thought of a "social" sets my anxiety off, and I'm lying in my bed!
Don't be hard on yourself. You made it further than I would have.
Have a good day |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve been to really welcoming socials, and others where you’re ignored and even the organisers don’t make an effort to greet you.
It’s about finding the right ones.
I think most of us can feel alone in a big group of people at times, it’s a horrible feeling. "
Ha ha, that's me in everyday life...  |
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"I suspect I would find myself in the exact sae position as the OP. I wonder whether it would be different at a private social? It seems to me that private socials are more, well social. There aren't so many people and chatting to others would, in my opinion, be more suited to my personality. All I need now is an invite..."
I think private socials are much better. The “advice” to go to socials etc sounds good if you are extroverted but if you aren’t then the advice just doesn’t work. I am much better in smaller groups and avoid socials like the plague.
Interestingly for me I hate socials, can tolerate clubs and actually love parties - I think that if I have to stand around making faux idle chit chat in a public place then that is not for me but if it is about actual fab stuff then I love it. |
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Sorry it didn't go so great this time, OP.
Next one might go well though, dude! Keep y'head up and I'll buy ya a pint if I see you at a social sometime.
Then you can make a thread about that weird dude who wouldn't shut up for hours, I'd be well into that 
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Large groups are not for everyone and absolutely no need to feel bad about yourself if they're not for you. One to one works better for many. If you do try again perhaps go with someone else so you don't feel isolated at the start |
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Did the organisers not greet you & introduce you to other guests? I find this can make a huge difference.
If you do brave another, message the organisers & let them know you are shy/nervous etc.. and they should help.
I highly recommend the midlands (Lichvegas, UpTheBrum) and Manchester socials - although busy the hosts take time to get you mingling.
Don’t give up x
J x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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IMO you didn't fail.
You went. That was in your control. And you did it.
You stayed for a bit. That was in your control and you did it.
If other people are closed off, then you can ask yourself, what can you do about that. If it's nothing and they are rude, then that's on them. You don't say I failed at flying, because gravity is out of your control.
Now, hard part. Was there anything you could do differently? There been some suggestions about chatting to ppl via fab. Do that. But if you miss them, or they blank you, that's not a fail. Maybe the attraction wasn't there for them (it happens) and that's not a fail. Not everyone is everyone's type.
Could you do something to be more open while you were there ? Wander around ? Start conversations? I found that you can often find the man of the couple waiting for the women to come out the bathroom.
But look, that you didn't do this the last time round isn't a failure. It's an experience to learn from.
Try again (if you want). Experiment with different things. And if you still go home after 29 mins, guess what. Not a failure.
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By *andy2Man
over a year ago
Ealing |
Maybe you are too self conscious
Just chat to everyone, try and make jokes
They probably feel the same so stick with people they know
You did the hardest part just follow through and get some fun |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So tonight I went to the local social event. Got there paid my entrance fee and went to the bar, bought a pint, and stood next to a table, three groups sat at separate tables.
I stood drinking my pint feeling very uncomfortable, one guy spoke to me while I was there, I finished my drink and got another, my anxiety was building inside and I knew that I would not be staying.
20 minutes later I was home.
I see on here a lot about going to socials and clubs etc, I have been in this lifestyle for over 20 yrs and still find people are in their cliques and groups, it is hard to break into them especially if you do not have the self-confidence to engage with people.
I will try again and will go to other socials and clubs. Just today I failed again and left.
"
you didn’t fail !!
Any new social group can be hard to engage with and you can feel like an outsider.
Being there in the first place was a success.
Keep going and keep your head up |
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"I really don't understand why people tell single men to go to socials. Maybe it's so they can sit in their groups and take the piss.
Same as in clubs. "
I’ve got to say, I think this is a little unfair.
I’ve been to the Fleet social, Central North London social, London Bridge social and the Surrey one at AbFabs. The organisers of all of these were lovely and made me feel very welcome as a single male. And they all made introductions to others there to make sure people were mingling. Maybe these are not reflective of others but I’ve only had positive experiences.
And if I see a single on their own looking anxious / lonely I’ll always go over and chat. Keep at it OP! |
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That’s a real shame that the experience wasn’t good for you 
The few that we’ve been to have been inclusive and welcoming. The chat groups away from Fab are usually a great idea to get to know people before the social.
Having said that, we joined a chat group for a smaller social fairly close by and everyone blanked us  we didn’t go to that!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I really don't understand why people tell single men to go to socials. Maybe it's so they can sit in their groups and take the piss.
Same as in clubs.
I’ve got to say, I think this is a little unfair.
I’ve been to the Fleet social, Central North London social, London Bridge social and the Surrey one at AbFabs. The organisers of all of these were lovely and made me feel very welcome as a single male. And they all made introductions to others there to make sure people were mingling. Maybe these are not reflective of others but I’ve only had positive experiences.
And if I see a single on their own looking anxious / lonely I’ll always go over and chat. Keep at it OP! "
Fair point, some socials are inclusive and friendly.
I apologise.  |
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"I really don't understand why people tell single men to go to socials. Maybe it's so they can sit in their groups and take the piss.
Same as in clubs.
I’ve got to say, I think this is a little unfair.
I’ve been to the Fleet social, Central North London social, London Bridge social and the Surrey one at AbFabs. The organisers of all of these were lovely and made me feel very welcome as a single male. And they all made introductions to others there to make sure people were mingling. Maybe these are not reflective of others but I’ve only had positive experiences.
And if I see a single on their own looking anxious / lonely I’ll always go over and chat. Keep at it OP!
Fair point, some socials are inclusive and friendly.
I apologise. "
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All socials here are privately organised at random times of the year in small venues with usually 70-100 people.
I've never been to one where the organisers introduced anyone to other guests.
I've been to a few though where the organisers never left their own table for the entire evening.
I know not all events are like that and my experiences have coloured my views but when people are told to go to socials it's usually those who are heavily involved in the social scene and are instantly recognisable as soon as they walk into the room.
For anyone struggling to build a network of friends through the site it's not really going to be any easier at socials unless they are lucky to have someone to go with or an active host who is willing to help them settle in. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"All socials here are privately organised at random times of the year in small venues with usually 70-100 people.
I've never been to one where the organisers introduced anyone to other guests.
I've been to a few though where the organisers never left their own table for the entire evening.
I know not all events are like that and my experiences have coloured my views but when people are told to go to socials it's usually those who are heavily involved in the social scene and are instantly recognisable as soon as they walk into the room.
For anyone struggling to build a network of friends through the site it's not really going to be any easier at socials unless they are lucky to have someone to go with or an active host who is willing to help them settle in. "
At the Socials Ive been (London, Northampton and Manchester) the Hosts have always made an effort to introduce people. They also have threads on here where people can introduce themselves and make connections prior to the event. If you are very shy or dont mix easily then any social event will be difficult unfortunately, that's nothing to do with Fab. |
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"We're surprised to have never seen anywhere using a speed dating format at social. Just think that it would work."
It’s a good idea in principle but I guess there are too many variables in terms of what partners people want to meet. i.e why would a couple who are looking for other couples want 5 mins with a single male / female |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We're surprised to have never seen anywhere using a speed dating format at social. Just think that it would work."
UptheBrum does and it works a treat for easing us shy types in. |
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"We're surprised to have never seen anywhere using a speed dating format at social. Just think that it would work.
UptheBrum does and it works a treat for easing us shy types in."
This
It really was so much fun |
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By *rtyIan OP Man
over a year ago
Gateway to the Beacons |
Thank you to everyone who has commented
I will go to others
I think last night my anxiety just got the better of me.
I am working on it and my self esteem.
Again thank you for all the kind words x
Have a great weekend |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank you to everyone who has commented
I will go to others
I think last night my anxiety just got the better of me.
I am working on it and my self esteem.
Again thank you for all the kind words x
Have a great weekend "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank you to everyone who has commented
I will go to others
I think last night my anxiety just got the better of me.
I am working on it and my self esteem.
Again thank you for all the kind words x
Have a great weekend "
Yeah damn do not beat yourself up, I'm a super confident guy but even I would be a little unsettled going alone!
Maybe make a post about the next one you're going to and see if any one will talk to you and agree to meet beforehand just to turn up with?
Alternatively I guess you just have to bite the bullet and ask something to a group like 'sorry to intrude, I'm new here and have no idea what I'm doing?' and hopefully they'll laugh and bring you in to their chat and intro you to people.
Absolutely solid effort! Ferraro Roche for you! |
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By *rtyIan OP Man
over a year ago
Gateway to the Beacons |
"Sorry it didn't go so great this time, OP.
Next one might go well though, dude! Keep y'head up and I'll buy ya a pint if I see you at a social sometime.
Then you can make a thread about that weird dude who wouldn't shut up for hours, I'd be well into that
"
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"Thank you to everyone who has commented
I will go to others
I think last night my anxiety just got the better of me.
I am working on it and my self esteem.
Again thank you for all the kind words x
Have a great weekend "
Hopefully we will see you at future socials ..x |
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By *rtyIan OP Man
over a year ago
Gateway to the Beacons |
"Thank you to everyone who has commented
I will go to others
I think last night my anxiety just got the better of me.
I am working on it and my self esteem.
Again thank you for all the kind words x
Have a great weekend
Yeah damn do not beat yourself up, I'm a super confident guy but even I would be a little unsettled going alone!
Maybe make a post about the next one you're going to and see if any one will talk to you and agree to meet beforehand just to turn up with?
Alternatively I guess you just have to bite the bullet and ask something to a group like 'sorry to intrude, I'm new here and have no idea what I'm doing?' and hopefully they'll laugh and bring you in to their chat and intro you to people.
Absolutely solid effort! Ferraro Roche for you!"
Hope it’s not the one that was passed around last night |
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Well as has been said you took the hardest step !! and we used to love a social event but your one didn't sound very social at all ??? and we used to do our own socials and found having a good mixture with various interests hepled alot and always got asked "Why" we let people who "We" wouldn't have any interest in having "Fun" with ?? and we always replied because it's bloody social....xxx |
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"Just today I failed again and left.
"
You DID NOT FAIL (sorry for shouting) you took a step forward that wasn't quite right for you. The important lesson is that you took a step forward! Keep trying, it gets easier, your self confidence will grow.
You are not disposable, you are a man with real feelings, emotions and desires.
Keep going, keep trying different things/routes/ideas and never ever give up on yourself! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank you to everyone who has commented
I will go to others
I think last night my anxiety just got the better of me.
I am working on it and my self esteem.
Again thank you for all the kind words x
Have a great weekend
Yeah damn do not beat yourself up, I'm a super confident guy but even I would be a little unsettled going alone!
Maybe make a post about the next one you're going to and see if any one will talk to you and agree to meet beforehand just to turn up with?
Alternatively I guess you just have to bite the bullet and ask something to a group like 'sorry to intrude, I'm new here and have no idea what I'm doing?' and hopefully they'll laugh and bring you in to their chat and intro you to people.
Absolutely solid effort! Ferraro Roche for you!
Hope it’s not the one that was passed around last night"
That had been passed around a lot of orifices it seems... |
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By *gent CoulsonMan
over a year ago
Secret hideaway in the pennines |
I know that feeling well, I have been to a few organised socials and felt like a spare part at times, but you just have to pull those big boy pants up and mingle, it can be difficult when you get groups of people who know each other, but remember you are probably not the only single guy feeling exactly the same.
I recently went to an organised event at a club and the same thing happened, it didn't help that there was no one there that actually tickled my pickle so to speak |
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By *rtyIan OP Man
over a year ago
Gateway to the Beacons |
Thank you to everyone that has commented, messaged me etc
I guess it was just the inner critic and the anxiety that got the better of me. I will go to other socials etc, I have a pint waiting at the next one lol
Tonight its the local pub for a few then off to the coast tomorrow for a dip in the sea 
Hope you all have a fab weekend xx |
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I know how awkward it can be going to socials, I find as a single guy it’s not alway easy to socialise, I think some couples think you just want to jump them or watch, whereas I love being social , I’m just awkward to start with particularly as I’m camp as a row of tents lol |
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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
"So tonight I went to the local social event. Got there paid my entrance fee and went to the bar, bought a pint, and stood next to a table, three groups sat at separate tables.
I stood drinking my pint feeling very uncomfortable, one guy spoke to me while I was there, I finished my drink and got another, my anxiety was building inside and I knew that I would not be staying.
20 minutes later I was home.
I see on here a lot about going to socials and clubs etc, I have been in this lifestyle for over 20 yrs and still find people are in their cliques and groups, it is hard to break into them especially if you do not have the self-confidence to engage with people.
I will try again and will go to other socials and clubs. Just today I failed again and left.
"
Well done for putting yourself out there and trying mate |
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By *oxy jWoman
over a year ago
somerset |
there are cliques everywhere in all walks of life the swinging scene seems to for some reason have more but dont give in there are plenty who do talk and socialize its those you need to be aiming at not the cliques ..
if me and hubs are in a club we will talk to anyone if we fancy or not we all had that first time some forget that deffo dont give in as socials and clubs for men i think is the only way forward ... most of the guys we have met over the years have all started from club nights my regular guys are 100% club guys its very rare nowdays that i / we find meets on fab |
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