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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I have been with my husband for 20 years.
My entire adult life.
Our eldest child is 18 and our youngest is 13. So we have pretty much always been mum and dad.
But as the children get older I cant help but wonder who we are as ourselves and not parents. When we suddenly dont have to always consider them who will we be as individuals?
We are close, but more like best friends than anything else and I cant help wondering if I missed out on something more. Is it just the children still keeping us together, or are we together out of habit and stubborness.
So my question is this, who else here has been in a similar position?
Did you find it hard to just be a couple once the children grew up?
How do I put some much needed "us" back into the relationship now, before we find an empty nest and nothing in common anymore?
Not exactly a fab topic I know, but this is the largest group of people from all walks of life I know lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Both need to do the work so you'd need your other half to engage equally.
I am at the last stage of divorcing mine as he preferred his cushy status quo and wouldn't engage until I served the divorce papers. By then I was done. |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
If you think there is still a small chance that you could (and want to) find a way back together, please go and see somebody at Relate. They will help you identify underlying issues, assist you in breaking up or staying together as they will work with your agendas (which ideally are the same, eg splitting or not splitting rather than one wanting to stay and one wanting to leave). Wishing you best of luck with this - not an easy decision whichever way you go. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If you think there is still a small chance that you could (and want to) find a way back together, please go and see somebody at Relate. They will help you identify underlying issues, assist you in breaking up or staying together as they will work with your agendas (which ideally are the same, eg splitting or not splitting rather than one wanting to stay and one wanting to leave). Wishing you best of luck with this - not an easy decision whichever way you go. "
I think this is solid advice and I thank you for it. Im not sure he would be willing to talk to someone else though. He is old fashioned |
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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"If you think there is still a small chance that you could (and want to) find a way back together, please go and see somebody at Relate. They will help you identify underlying issues, assist you in breaking up or staying together as they will work with your agendas (which ideally are the same, eg splitting or not splitting rather than one wanting to stay and one wanting to leave). Wishing you best of luck with this - not an easy decision whichever way you go.
I think this is solid advice and I thank you for it. Im not sure he would be willing to talk to someone else though. He is old fashioned"
Talk it through, as you've come this far.
Ultimately you have missed out on a lot of singleness, such as feeling crap on Valentine's day and spending Xmas alone. Not knowing if you'll have sex this year or not, is not a nice thought.
To last that long in a relationship is worth celebrating and if you both get some counselling, then give it a go. Stay happy and be honest with yourselves and good luck. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Do you have the time to spend on your own (both of you) without the children? At least a week to just be alone with each other, talk every day or not talk. See what connection is there in isolation. Good conversations do need time and space. |
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This is our 28th year together, it’s had many ups and downs but the one thing we’ve always done is talked openly and honestly about every aspect of our lives together.
We’re approaching a similar time to you in our relationship and we’re gradually getting ‘us’ back from being relied on as parents.
We’re loving the freedom that it’s giving us.
The opportunity to adventure together again.
Seeing places, doing things, eating, drinking, meeting, reconnecting with our younger selves again.
Communication is the only piece of advice worth giving and you both need to listen to each other. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This probably feels like the end of something OP but if you both want the same things then it could be the start of something too, a new life. Good Luck to you both whatever you choose.  |
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We’ve been together 29 years and we had our kids when we were young our youngest has recently turned 21.
Marriage is hard and it takes both people to be on the same page to make it work.Honest and open conversations are extremely important it’s not going to work if only one person puts in the effort.
For us we are loving the freedom and time we are spending together now we missed out on everything when we were younger and it’s like we are dating all over again .
Start out maybe with a date night once a week even if it’s just watching a film together in bed with no phones and no distractions .You don’t want to end up in a loveless marriage and full of resentment. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Communication is key. Does he know you’re on here? I was with my ex 12 years but he was vanilla and wouldn’t even consider anything I wanted so I left. It’s not all fun and games being single but I’m happier now than I was in my marriage. But you need to talk. My ex is my best friend as is his gf and we do stuff together all the time and it’s so much better this way x |
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I was in a horrid relationship for 14 years and just let things muddle along thinking that I could never have a life away from her. When she left I had the best time discovering me again and enjoying doing new things and meeting new people. Even if you stay together you can still do things apart. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Communication is key. Does he know you’re on here? I was with my ex 12 years but he was vanilla and wouldn’t even consider anything I wanted so I left. It’s not all fun and games being single but I’m happier now than I was in my marriage. But you need to talk. My ex is my best friend as is his gf and we do stuff together all the time and it’s so much better this way x"
Yes he knows I am on here, and I am able to attend socials etc but he isnt comfortable with me having meets with men |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Have been with my wife now for a little over 20 years, we were 15 & 16 when we got together, are kids are 14 & 8, and although I love her to bits, we both wonder what we might have missed out on and thats probably the main reason we join Fab and started swinging, we have experienced some great times on here and have learnt a lot about ourselves, we now mainly meet separately and she has now decided to go down the polyamory route and has a second loving relationship with another guy while I continue going to a club but also enjoy building great connections with people, do we get it right all the time, absolutely not but we are working on it together and fully support each other, we both want to keep what we have together and hope we can look back in years to come and say it was the best decision we ever made, hopefully we will remain happy and continue as we are doing. |
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